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Ash had kissed many people before, and he had been kissed by many before, too. But never had he wanted it. Never wanted it in an innocent, pure manner at least. He always did it for some ulterior motive. Always either to gain something, or to please someone, because those were the only things he was good at. He was a good whore, and a good killer.
His hands were covered in the blood of all those people he had killed without so much as blinking an eye. And the gross, sticky cum of Golzine and his men, the coach, both of which itched on his skin and made him want to throw himself into a pot of boiling water, to boil away both his skin and his sins.
Ash had never really enjoyed a kiss. To some degree, he craved it. Needed it, even. Needed to feel useful to some degree, because even if his only worth was as some old man's cock warmer, at least he had a use. At least he wasn't useless, unable to do anything. Unable to do anything other than take and take and take from those he loved most.
He regretted almost all the ways he had been touched. He regretted, loathed himself for all the kisses. But there was not a single touch he hated as much as when he had kissed Eiji. It was the one thing he would change, if he so could. It wasn't because Ash didn't want to kiss Eiji. Not at all! In fact, Ash in all his disgusting, tainted self, had spent too long longing to kiss Eiji. He didn't want to kiss him in the way he was used to, though. Rather, he wanted soft, gentle kisses that wouldn't lead to anything else. Didn't want to kiss Eiji in a manner that would always lead to something more. Because kisses had always lead to something more for Ash.
He knew that Eiji wouldn't mind. Eiji probably wanted to kiss him, because for some reason Ash couldn't really fanthom, Eiji truly and whole-heartedly loved him. But they hadn't kissed yet, the only time they had was when he was in prison, and then it had only been to deliver a message. They hadn't kissed because Eiji knew everything about him, and Eiji would never take more than Ash was willing to give, because Eiji was good in every way, and Eiji wouldn't make the first move because he didn't want Ash to feel pressured for anything. Because Eiji, the only person he would do anything for, did not want, nor expect anything from him.
And Ash hadn't initiated anything because every time he thought he was ready to kiss Eiji, he would think back to the kiss they shared in the prison. He would think back to the way Eiji's lips felt on his own, slightly chapped lips covered in chapstick, the way Eiji's eyes had fluttered, unsure if he should close his eyes or not. He would think back to the way that had been Eiji's first kiss. Back to the way Ash hadn't asked for permission, back to the way he had essentially forced himself onto Eiji.
Back to the way he had tainted Eiji with the mix of blood and cum that would never get off no matter how much Ash scrubbed and scrubbed his skin in boiling water. Back to the way he had become what he hated. Back to how he hurt Eiji, the only person in this world who was undoubtedly good, in the way so many had hurt him. The only difference was that Ash deserved the pain. Eiji.. Eiji did not. Eiji would never deserve pain. And while Ash had fucked up before, he would do anything to keep Eiji as far from harm as he could.
Well, not anything. After all, he was still here, in a shared home between the two of them in Eiji's home town, Izumo, still being a goddamm burden, a fuck up who kept taking and taking and taking and never gave Eiji anything back. He knew Eiji would disagree. He also knew he was right, despite what Eiji would say.
"What are you thinking about?"
Ash could feel himself jump, a bit, at the sound of Eiji's voice, and he internally cursed himself out. He hadn't noticed Eiji open the door at all, joining him in the garden of their home. How had he let his guard down? To not even notice? If he couldn't notice Eiji, then how would he ever notice someone like Blanca? If he couldn't notice, someone could sneak up on him. Someone could take him away, rape him. Or worse, they would hurt Eiji. They would kill him, or–
"Aslan."
Ash could feel his breath hitching as his mind skidded to a stop, and he turned to meet Eiji's concerned, dark eyes. Even though Ash could clearly see the concern, Eiji still smiled at him in that soft, gentle manner that didn't hide any ulterior motive, or any lust. In a manner so few had looked at him before. In the manner that Ash couldn't stand, but also couldn't stand to be without.
And despite everything in his life. Every way he was cursed, every way he was a burden, he must have been a great person in his past life to have met someone like Eiji. To have met someone who would utter his name, his real name, in a voice so gentle and full of nothing but unconditional love.
"Focus on me. Not whatever your mind is telling you, just me. I am right here. You are safe. I will not let them hurt you. They can not hurt you here. I am on your side."
I am on your side.
At one point, Eiji had told Ash that even if the whole world was against him, Eiji would always be on his side. And Eiji hadn't lied to him, about that. No matter how cursed Ash was, or how much be sinned, no matter how much this world cursed Ash to a life of ashes, Eiji had been on his side since the moment their eyes first met under the dim lights of a bar.
But Ash was not afraid that he would get hurt. Ash had been hurt a lot in his life, and he still spent a lot of time wishing for people to hurt him. Wanting Eiji to hurt him, to love him in the only way Ash deserved to be loved. Ash was not afraid of that. Ash was afraid of himself. He was afraid of hurting Eiji. He was afraid of all the ways he already had hurt Eiji.
"Can I touch you?"
Ash nodded, and his heart both melted and shattered a little at the careful way Eiji moved closer. Slow, always keeping his hands in Ash's line of sight, making sure he didn't make any sudden movements. Ash appreciated the slowness, the gentle manner of it all, and when Eiji gently wrapped his arms around Ash's shoulders, he slumped into him, pressing his face into the junction of Eiji's shoulder and neck.
Ash felt bad. Here Eiji was, rocking him back and forth, holding him in the manner no one really did when he was child, humming some random tune softly. How could Eiji be happy with this? How could he be happy walking on eggshells, constantly at a loss, never getting anything in return? Surely, Eiji had to want more. And Ash could give it to him, if Eiji just said he wanted it. Ash was good in bed, it was one of the few things he was good at.
"Don't you want more?" He mumbled into the junction between Eiji's neck and shoulder. He let his hand trail down to toy with Eiji's waistband. He distanced himself from Eiji a little, when he felt the older tense up, so that he could look into those beautiful brown eyes that always seemed like home to Ash. He leaned closer, and if either of them moved closer they would be kissing. Ash did not move closer. He did not go further with his hand. He didn't want Eiji to hate him for kissing him without permission again.
"I can make you feel good." He whispered. He did not necessarily want to have sex with Eiji. But if Eiji wanted it, he would do it. He'd do whatever Eiji wanted. He could be whatever Eiji wanted.
Eiji leaned back, gently taking ahold of Ash's wrist and gently moving it away from where Ash had placed it. Ash wanted to cry at the fact that Eiji had moved his hand away, instead of forcing his hand down on his crotch like the coach, golzine, like so many had wanted, had done–
"I want whatever you want, whatever you are ready for. Do you want to have sex with me?" Eiji's cheeks were a little darker, a little redder in color, from the casual talk of sex or the proximity, Ash wasn't sure. But Eiji was staring at him with those wide, Bambi like eyes of his. His gaze didn't hold impatience or lust, like he was used to, but instead it was filled with love and patience. And Ash could not find the strenght to lie to him, not when Eiji always placed his whole faith in anything Ash said.
Ash shook his head, uttering quietly, "No. I don't."
Ash had never been allowed to say no in his life. The option of yes or no was foreign. He could say whatever the fuck he wanted, but people would always take whatever they wanted of him regardless. Words were useless when your life was spent in the company of people like Golzine.
Ash really wanted to cry when Eiji smiled at him, nodding in a perfectly content manner. "That is okay." He uttered, in that soothing, comforting tone that made Ash wish the ground would open up and swallow him whole. Because when had it ever been okay? When had his opinion or feelings ever mattered?
A quiet voice in his head, the one that barely spoke loud enough to be heard, broke through Ash's thoughts.
They've mattered ever since Eiji.
Eiji brought his hand up to Ash's cheek, brushing away what Ash was suddenly hyper aware as tears. Was he crying? Of course he was. Ash hated it. He hated this. Ash hated Golzine, and he hated his men, and he hated the fucking coach, and most of all, Ash hated himself. But Ash didn't hate Eiji. How could anyone ever hate someone like Eiji?
It only made it hurt more when a look of hurt flashed across Eiji's face when Ash slapped his hand away, glaring at him. But Eiji didn't try to move his hand again. Like the lovable, gentle person he was, Eiji only fixated Ash with a loving, concerned look.
"I don't want to have sex with you, Eiji. I'll never want to have sex with you." He shot at Eiji, his tone was bitter. And really, he was lying. Ash wanted to be intimate with Eiji. He just didn't know if he could, without Eiji making him do it.
Ash wasn't sure what he was expecting when he said that. Maybe be expected Eiji to get upset, yell, make him do it anyway. Maybe he thought Eiji would shake his head and tell Ash that he couldn't be sure, that he would want to later. He knew Eiji better than that, knew Eiji would never do something like that, but Ash still couldn't help but be in shock, and a bit of awe, when Eiji smiled at him. Smiled at him like Ash had hung every star in the sky just for him. Smiled like he was proud of Ash. He smiled at Ash, and Ash wasn't sure what to do with the lack of disappointment, anger, lack of anything negative.
"That is okay! I am proud of you for telling me that. I am happy you trust me enough to tell me." Eiji seemed so genuine, so honest, and Ash couldn't stop the way his shoulders shook, the way his vision blurred. He did his best to bite back the sobs, but he wasn't having much luck. What would his father say, if he saw Ash like this?
Eiji looked like he wanted to hug Ash, to comfort him any way possible. But Ash had moved him away, and Eiji was good, he didn't touch him without his permission.
"Please hold me."
With his permission, Eiji didn't hesitate to wrap Ash up in a hug. Only with his permission, though. He never inched towards him before Ash asked. It only made Ash cry harder. How could someone like Eiji even exist? How could someone so warm, so loving, so undoubtedly good exist? How could Eiji ever love him? Someone so tainted, so everything Eiji was not.
How could Ash ever have dragged Eiji into his cruel, unforgiving, cold world?
"I'm– I'm so sorry."
Ash wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. The way he never gave Eiji anything back? The way he kissed him without permission? The way Eiji always got hurt because of him? For dragging Eiji into his horrible world? For not letting Eiji go when he had the chance? For being a burden? For crying?
For saying no?
"It is okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. You are okay here, with me. You can say no as much as you like."
Of course he could. Of course Eiji would always accept Ash's no with a smile, not upset, just happy that Ash trusted him enough to say no in the first place? Eiji was everything Ash's world was not. Ash's world had never cared about a no, so of course Eiji would.
Eiji loved him. People who loved him were not people like Golzine, or the coach. Love was the way Griffin had saved up a whole year to get Ash a birthday gift. Love was the way Max and Jessica invited him to visit for the Holidays. Love was the way Micheal would run up to him when he visited for the first time in months at Thanksgiving with a huge smile and excited chattering.
Love was the way Eiji would look at him, the way Eiji would do his best to make sure Ash ate, the way Eiji would always accept a no regardless of what the no was for.
Ash wanted to love Eiji like that, too.
"Eiji." Again, Ash moved away from Eiji when he said his name. But now, Ash was feeling much more comfortable with himself. Eiji loved him, and Ash loved him too. Ash wanted to learn to be gentle the way Eiji was. And as amazing as he always was, Eiji turned to him with a smile and patient eyes, a quiet way of telling Ash to take his time.
Ash took a deep breath. "I.. I'm sorry for kissing you, back in the prison. I.. I needed a way to get my message to you, and it was the only way I could think of, but I still.. I still did it without your permission. It was your first kiss, too, right? You should have.. You should have gotten to have your first kiss in some sweet, romantic way, not because I was desperate."
Eiji shook his head. "I am not upset. I never was upset. You did not have much of a choice. You did what you had to do. I could never be angry at you for that." Of course Eiji wasn't mad. Ash knew Eiji wasn't some saint who never got angry, in fact, Ash had seen him angry, annoyed, and all other emotions multiple times. But he knew Eiji would never be upset about that.
"I know. But.. I spend a lot of time wishing I got.. to have a proper first kiss, instead of.." Ash trailed off. He didn't want to say it. Eiji sent him an understanding look. Eiji knew Ash better than anyone else, so of course he understood. Ash would always be grateful for Eiji. "So, I am sorry. I took it from you. You may not be upset. But I am sorry."
"I forgive you." Ash looked at Eiji in surprise. He hadn't expected that as Eiji's reply. Eiji continued, "I am not upset. I never was upset. But I still forgive you. So you can forgive yourself now, too."
Ash's heart hurt, with how much he loved this boy. His heart hurt with how much Eiji clearly loved him.
Ash could stare at Eiji all day, with the way his soft, warm brown eyes turned into a slightly more honey color under the warm light of the setting sun. Under the warm embrace of what Eiji called the golden hour. Maybe Eiji would be a bit plain, to other people, but he would always be the most beautiful person to Ash. The most beautiful person to Aslan. Because he didn't need to be Ash Lynx with Eiji. He didn't have to be a person stuck in a world that was simply just ash.
And with Eiji, he wasn't a Lynx. He wasn't a wild cat, he was a person. He wanted to believe he was someone who could both love and be loved, he wanted to believe that as firmly as Eiji believed it.
"I know I've kissed you before, but I didn't do it right." Ash couldn't believe he was doing this, and he couldn't believe the amount of confidence his voice held, either. Ash gulped, suddenly feeling more and more nervous. But he wanted to do this, and he.. He was ready.
"Can I try again?"
Ash could see the way Eiji's eyes widened, the way he flushed as the blood traveled to his face, and Ash felt nothing but adoration.
"Are you sure? Do you.. Do you want this?" Eiji's voice was both nervous and excited. And he was sure that despite Eiji's eagerness, that if he decided to shake his head and say no, that Eiji would accept that answer with a smile. Maybe it was the safety net that he could say no, if he wanted, and Eiji would happily agree to that no. That Eiji would only go as far as he wanted, as far as he was ready.
With that, he nodded his head, sending Eiji one of his real, genuine smiles that was only really meant for Eiji.
Eiji nodded, and if Ash couldn't read Eiji like a book, he would think Eiji was lying when the way he froze up, looking more and more unsure by the second. But Ash didn't really mind taking the lead, so he leaned closer to Eiji, excitement buzzing through his entire body.
When Eiji followed his lead, unsure as he leaned closer to Ash, he let his eyes flutter closed. He pressed his lips to Eiji's, much softer than how it had been the first time, and they were so close in such an innocent manner that Ash wanted to weep out of both sorrow and love.
He lead the kiss, gently moving his lips against Eiji's, as the older boy tried to clumsily copy his actions. He could taste the strawberry flavour of Eiji's chapstick, and the way Eiji's lips were slightly chapped. For his own sake, Ash opened his eyes, looking at the boy he loved more than anything kissing him back with a concentrated expression, eyes closed and cheeks flushed, bathed in golden light with pink clouds framing him.
Had Ash been a photographer like Eiji, he would have loved to take a picture of Eiji like this, to encase the softness of it all in the closest he could to eternity.
As if he sensed his gaze on him, Eiji opened his own eyes and met Ash's stare, and they separated just barely, still close enough that just one of them barely moving forward would bring them into another kiss.
Ash had almost expected to feel scared. He half expected that be would freak out and panic, either freaking out over memories of everyone who had hurt him, or panic because he was surely tainting Eiji by kissing him like this.
And he was in awe at the lack of it all. The lack of anything but love for Eiji simmering in his chest, the heat in his own cheeks from the way Eiji fixated him with a look that could only be described as pure, unfiltered love.
"Aslan.." Eiji breathed out, and they were close enough that Ash could feel Eiji's breath meet his own, nearly feel the way Eiji's lips moved when he uttered his name.
And Ash– Aslan wanted this feeling to last forever. He never wanted it to end. He never wanted to be apart from Eiji, ever again. He loved Eiji, more than he thought he could ever love anyone. He smiled at Eiji, and he was sure Eiji could feel the movement, and while Aslan would be more than happy to stare into Eiji's eyes for eternity, he allowed himself to be selfish, to want.
"Can I try again?" His voice was barely above a whisper, an echo of his earlier question, though this time it was more confident, much more secure.
When Eiji smiled so brightly, giving a small nod, Aslan didn't waste a second to bring his lips back on Eiji's, relishing at the way Eiji returned the action.
I love you, I love you, I love you.