Work Text:
Jimin has known that he’s gay practically forever. Even as a small child, he always knew there was something about himself that made him different. It was just a feeling. He wasn’t like the other kids. It made him shy, and he didn’t have many friends.
As he got older, he understood why. He was only 8 when he realized that he didn’t have crushes on girls like the other boys had. He only got those warm, vulnerable feelings when he would spot the same 4th year boy every day on the playground. He looked for him every recess. But even then he knew to keep it hidden, something he just knew . It was a secret, just between him and himself.
His parents were always so supportive of him, even when he started dancing. They gave him warm smiles and paid his fees without hesitation. Bought him the clothes and shoes he would need. Drove him to practices, and eventually let him move to Seoul to pursue dance at a fine arts high school. Their smiles were knowing, and without saying anything, Jimin was thankful for them.
Dance was the perfect escape. When he was dancing, he could be himself - vulnerable, strong, honest, beautiful - and people would praise him. They would tell him how wonderful, unique, and graceful he was, how powerful he was on the stage. And Jimin could feel so many things. He could be sad and small onstage, he could be big and fiery. He could be perfect and meek and scared and angry and passionate and explosive. Dance allowed him to know all of his emotions and they didn’t have to be secret. All parts of Jimin were welcome on the stage, and for that he loved to dance.
Things changed when he joined BTS. He still got to dance, but it was different. They had an image . An image that Jimin didn’t really know how to portray. An image that didn’t have space for every version of Jimin, but just one. Jimin wasn’t sure. It didn’t quite make sense to him, but he wanted it more than anything. And so he kept the other parts of himself secret, though sometimes they would bubble so closely to the surface that he’d scare himself. When that would happen he’d throw himself into the things he was sure the company wanted - dieting, exercise, a tough exterior to match what was supposedly on the inside.
But inside Jimin was soft, beautiful, playful, fiery, passionate. He cared and he wanted and he craved. On the outside he was one thing. On the inside he was everything.
He knew to keep it a secret. He was living with six other boys, and all his training from elementary school onward told him - this is a secret between you and yourself. After so many years of practice, it was comfortable. He knew that he was different, and he knew that his position as a trainee was so tenuous that any small thing could have had him packing his bags and moving out of the tiny two room apartment. So he let his secret sit deep in his chest, and always felt its radiating warmth, its heavy presence.
Until one day.
“Yah, Joon-ah, not everyone likes girls, ok?” Yoongi-hyung scolds. “You don’t have to talk like that.”
“What do you mean not everyone likes girls? Everyone here likes girls.” Namjoon scoffs.
“Namjoon-ah! Not everyone likes girls. Don’t be so closed minded!” Yoongi bickers back, slapping Namjoon on the arm.
“Hyung, you like girls, I know you like girls. Didn’t you date-”
“ Namjoon-ah. I do like girls. I like girls and boys. So don’t talk about me like I only like girls. That’s not me.”
Jimin’s mouth falls open in shock, though he quickly catches himself, closing it slowly as he keeps his eyes trained on the tv.
After so many years, he had never thought-
He had never thought that there would be others. Other boys who felt like him. He had been so sure that he was alone.
The images on the tv flash by, people are speaking but he can’t hear them. The words don’t register.
What now?