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“Setsuna, you’ve talked with the student council president pretty often for this upcoming event, right?”
A chill ran down Setsuna’s spine, no matter how many times she pretended she was entirely unrelated to Nana Nakagawa, it was impossible to escape the ice cold grip of fear that came with being found out. The thudding of her heart became increasingly deafening in her ears as she straightened up to respond.
“Ah, well yes! If this event is a success it’ll be a huge help to boosting our popularity, right? So I’ve wanted to be extra sure that everything is going smoothly,” Setsuna prayed her voice hadn’t wavered, telling such a boldfaced lie. Feelings of guilt would always gnaw at her, coming up with excuses and explanations on a whim for the other members. Yet lying to Shizuku always seemed to hurt more.
If lying to the club members about her identity felt like getting stabbed, lying to Shizuku about it would be like twisting the knife afterwards.
Shizuku hummed thoughtfully, “Well, sorry if this is a weird question then… But what is she like? I haven’t been able to talk to her much myself since I’ve been busy with other arrangements…” Setsuna thought she could see the beginnings of a pout on her face, but brushed it off.
“That’s not a weird question at all! What is she like, huh…?” she tapped her chin, feigning to recall interactions that didn’t happen, couldn’t happen, “I don’t know her personally, but based on our interactions she seems kind of stiff? Definitely too formal for my liking…she’s just so serious that I can’t tell what she’s thinking at all!”
Noticing Shizuku’s gaze, Setsuna quickly waved her hands in front of her, “I-I mean, I’m glad she approved of the event in the first place but I just can’t shake this feeling of unease I suppose…” she trailed off with an awkward laugh, hoping Shizuku would change the topic to something, anything —
“Is that really what you think?” Shizuku’s voice made Setsuna freeze, feeling her own eyes widen as Shizuku continued, “I think she’s quite admirable really, the way she works so hard. I’ve heard that she’s even memorized the names of every student attending our school! She’s so refined and thoughtful that I just really admire her…” she sighed, almost dreamily to Setsuna’s alarm.
She hadn’t expected this kind of response at all, or maybe she had a feeling when Shizuku asked about Nana in the first place but didn’t want to accept it. The panic she had hastily stuffed away began to creep its way around her neck, closing its grip around her throat to stifle her from responding. It couldn’t be that Shizuku truly liked Nana Nakagawa, right? The shell of herself she wanted to leave behind while seeking a better life as an idol, as Setsuna Yuki, who was far superior in her eyes.
As Setsuna, she could soar to heights that Nana never could, freed from the shackles that bound her to a life of monotony. As Setsuna, she could express herself without the worries that burdened Nana as an honor student, as the student council president. As Setsuna, she had steadily found herself growing more attached to Shizuku, an admiration that bloomed into something more than Setsuna could handle.
Time and time again, she found that whenever Shizuku was nearby, the emotions nestled in her heart threatened to rise up to her throat and escape as words at the slightest inconvenience.
Yet, it was Nana who Shizuku was asking about. It was Nana who Shizuku admired. What value did Setsuna hold for Shizuku then?
Setsuna was everything Nana couldn’t be, yet Nana had captured the attention of the person Setsuna cared about the most. How did Shizuku manage to fall for someone like Nana, let alone notice her? Someone so timid, so thoughtless, so…pathetic. It was unfathomable to Setsuna, how someone like Shizuku who shined so brightly would look up to Nana Nakagawa, the measly shadow of Setsuna Yuki. It was so unfathomable, in fact, Setsuna found it laughable how she could lose to the part of herself she hated over a battle for Shizuku’s attention.
Her heart felt like it would practically burst from how much it ached in that moment.
“I-I see…” Setsuna eventually managed to choke out, doing her best to feign a polite smile, “And that’s how you really feel about her?”
Shizuku beamed, her ribbon bouncing on her head as she responded with a nod, “Of course! I know there are plenty of students who think the same as you, but I have to disagree. People might say she’s stiff but I think it’s kind of…cute?” Setsuna flinched ever so slightly at the comment as Shizuku continued, “Honestly, I just think she’s misunderstood. She always has the school’s best interests in mind after all!”
“Even when she was opposed to letting the idol club reform at first…?” Setsuna asked meekly, fully aware she had only acted that way because she wanted to escape the responsibility of dealing with the situation as Setsuna.
It was a rare moment in which she was grateful Nana had existed, though it was a fleeting feeling when she eventually built up the courage as Setsuna to own up to her actions and reconcile with the other members. Of course, having to come up with excuses and inventing consistent stories as to why Setsuna had gone missing, and how the student council president allowed them to reform so easily after being so stubborn about the subject was difficult. She recalled having to keep it up for a week or so until it was entirely forgotten as there were other, more important matters relating to increasing the club’s popularity and having the members realize their visions as idols.
Shizuku seemed to falter at Setsuna’s question, perhaps slightly bothered at the sudden reminder of past events, “W-Well…I’m sure she had her reasons. In her defense, we were quite fragmented then so it wasn’t possible to properly reform the club… I’m sure there wasn’t much she could do to help, especially without knowing the entirety of our situation then.”
“But what if she did know?” Setsuna’s voice was tense, the hold around her throat growing tighter.
That caught Shizuku’s attention, her wide-eyed gaze of surprise snapping up to look at Setsuna, who was on the brink of completely destroying everything she’d built up as Setsuna Yuki, this persona of passion and strength built around a boring, fragile girl named Nana Nakagawa.
At that given moment, she felt as if she were looking through a two sided mirror: Nana Nakagawa watching Setsuna Yuki, her idealized self, talking to Shizuku in the Nijigasaki school idol clubroom. And suddenly, she didn’t care about that distinction anymore. What became of the line that separated them? Where did “Setsuna'' begin? Where did “Nana” end? She couldn’t tell anymore. Maybe it was impulsive, maybe she would come to regret it later when everything came crashing down, but if Setsuna could be dragged down into this much grief, then what was the point of all Nana had worked for to create what Setsuna had in the first place?
Shizuku’s words were slow, cautious, a tinge of unsteadiness to them, “Setsuna…what do you mean? How would she know?”
Without acknowledging Shizuku’s question, Setsuna could feel the words tumble out of her mouth before she could stop herself, “What if Nana Nakagawa seems so diligent in your eyes because she’s actually just some timid girl who is afraid of disobeying her parents, and would only work so hard on her studies because it was all she ever knew, so she felt like she didn’t have any other choice? And when she finally found a way into a world beyond her life that allowed expressing herself properly, she came to hate who she was because that life was so…claustrophobic, but she didn’t even realize it until she could think for herself for once in her life. What if she wanted to leave that part of herself behind, but couldn’t because she had to keep this new part of her life a secret from everyone? From her parents to even her closest friends who she was too afraid to confide in because she was worried everything she had built up in this new life would fall apart if they knew the truth?”
She wanted to stop talking, to shut up and let Shizuku call her rude for saying these unfounded, outlandish things about a girl she supposedly didn’t know personally. Yet the choked up words fell out as freely as the hot tears that trickled down her cheeks.
“Setsuna…”
There was a heavy silence carrying a shame that burned hotly all throughout Setsuna’s back, she hadn’t realized she had stood up in her seat during what was essentially a confession of her real identity. Before the dread could fully settle in, Setsuna’s legs had begun to move on their own as she rushed for the door.
It took Shizuku a moment to register what had just happened before coming to and noticing Setsuna was on her way out, “Wait—!”
But Setsuna was already out the door, full on sprinting, unsure of where she was going.