Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

 The first living thing outside the castle walls I saw were the crows. I believed them to be a myth. A legend. A hopeful lie. Is that not what all legends strive to be? They seemed to be appearing in the forest more and more as I run deeper into the wood. My dress does not snag, thankfully. I suppose I should thank the wind for that. I whisper to the moonlight, asking her to guide my path but hide my pursuers in the dark.

She obliges. I thank her as the path is lit with moonbeams. She leads me through the wood, the wind gently nudging me away from the paths that would cause me harm. The crows seem to increase in number, or maybe I am only just now noticing them. I cry out as I see the wood set aflame. 

No. The wood is sacred. Special. It is cruel, heartless, to destroy the spirits living here. I shudder softly, the wind suddenly chilling me to the bone. 

Do not go back. It whispers in my ear. They will not stop. He will not stop.

But I can not leave the woods to die. I can not leave them to burn. The spirit of fire is apathetic. It takes from everyone and everything. It does not differentiate between the worthy and cruel. It simply takes. 

I have to go. I know this. If I stay he will use me as an heir again. I can not become a symbol of cruelty as he is. I can not stay. 

But how can I go? Abandon my people? For they are my people, even if I can not rule them. Or even help them. 

The moon darkens that path, the wind pushes me forward, and the earth seems to rumble beneath my feet. My eyes catch on a crow, a necklace on their neck. They tilt their head at me, gently, and they seem to smile…

Go. 

The message is clear. I must leave. I shall return, one day, I know it. But for now I must leave the Uncle to destroy the wood I love. The wood that I have protected until now. The wood that now protects me as I turn on my heel and flee the ever encroaching flames. 

I climb and climb, reaching the top of the tree, skirts swishing in the air as I beam down at my wood. The wind ruffles the leaves, singing their song to welcome me back. It lifts my hair in the sky and I can’t stop my laughter as I reach for the leaves now floating in the sky. I am young. Seven or Eight. Before the worst of it all began. I do not debate leaving the castle, much less the kingdom. Why would I? This is where I am meant to be. 

I am nine. I am hiding in the dungeons, for it is safer there, and there are bandages to be found. I simply can not go by the loud sobbing noises of the monster and the yelling of the guard who keeps her there. He is said to protect us from the beast. But the monster does not sound so bad, not nearly as cruel as the ranting of the guard and the sound of a whip. I hide from Uncle, for he is searching. I do not want to be hurt again. He has hurt me enough today. The ground rises up, the earth lifting the stone tile up up up until I am hidden and there is a new wall. I tilt my head at them, and feel the wall shift slightly to the left. Away from Uncle. I follow the earth into hidden places and caves and into an opening in the forest. They urge me to go. To leave my Uncle who has left scars in my flesh and fractures in my bones. I turn away, and head back into the castle. I am not meant to leave. 

I am 11. I am exploring-hiding but I can not say that without feeling the terror return-the castle. I have found every nook and cranny. I avoid the dungeons. I avoid the gardens. I avoid the windows. The Moon calls for me to join her. The wind calls for me to play one more game with it, to be free with it once more. The earth tries to keep me safe, makes walls and boundaries against my uncle that I can not manage on my own. But they are always forced to let me go. I hide in the steel armor halls, full of knight statues and swords. I take one down, hearing Uncle’s words screaming through my mind. Useless. Monster. I should’ve been left with my parents to die in the flames. I take the sword and head into the dungeons for the first time in months. Stone does not speak to me, it is not living. But the earth, the dirt, the base of all living things does. It leads me to the monster. I intend to slay it. I do not. I am not meant to leave her.

I am 11. It is a week later. We have been found. The Monster-they have no name, though they want one-is forced to watch as Uncle kills me. She does not know I can come back. Neither do I. Neither did Uncle. When I awoke in a coffin, entire body aching, I whimpered. Cried. I called for the earth to save me, the wind to hear me, the moon to shine on me again. I had abandoned them, in favor of pretending I was safe. I was never safe. They forgive me. I am freed from the ground. I manage to claw my way through the wood and once I do I am on the surface. I was lifted six feet above the ground. Given a helping hand. But I had to free myself. My Uncle murdered me, there was no doubt anymore of his love. I tried to run. I was punished for living when he said to die. I was punished for running when I was meant to stay down. I am punished for helping the Monster deep deep in the ground where there is no sunlight and no warmth. Where there is only stone, smothering any living thing. I am not meant to be alive. 

I am 13. It is hard to move. I am always hurting, aching. I have not seen the Moon in ever so long, felt the wind against my skin, heard the rumblings of the earth. I am simply kept in this tower, unless I am a showpiece. The Princess. The Heir to this cursed kingdom. No, I remind myself. It is not my kingdom that is cursed. Just the ruler. I make plans. I make promises to myself. I will not die here. I begin to learn. I learn of Tim Drake. I learn of the crows, and the girl I remember from ever so long ago however faintly. A general’s daughter. Her father was killed when he opposed Uncle. She sent the crows after us all. She wreaked destruction and havoc in moments and disappeared in hours. Dozens were left dead, hundreds maimed, all in close contact with Uncle. He lost an eye to her crows. I can not leave. Not yet. But I am meant to leave.

I am 14. I am tired. I am hurt. I do not know what it means to sleep. I do not know what safety is. I have not since I was a child. I simply know of fear, and cold, and regret. Deep regret for the people I have failed to save. The Monster is dead. I miss them. I miss the safety we had now and then, hidden in the inky blackness and the horrific cold. But it was safe. And now I read by the window in the room I stay locked up in, the moon lighting my forbidden texts and scrolls. It takes ever so long, but I find a map of our world, not just our kingdom. I know where I must go. I must free myself, then the Moon and the Wind and the Earth shall help me. I am not meant to be hurt, to be killed again and again. I am meant to be free.

I am meant to free my kingdom. My world. 

I wake up softly, and I am lucky that I am on such good terms with the wind otherwise I would be cold to my core. The crows are in a cloud above my head. Guarding me…in a sense. No. They are watching. They believe that I am something. Perhaps good. Perhaps not. I bear the mark of the King. I have the stench of the rich. I am…unwelcome. Or I should be. But I have been claimed by the Moon and the wind and the earth. They do not know why. Neither do I. I do not care. I am simply meant to find The Dark Lord. Tim Drake. 

I stand, hunger gnawing in my stomach. I feel the skirts swish around my ankles and miss the days where I was allowed pants. Those days were wonderful. I start walking down the path again. The Moon is gone. The sun does not particularly care for me one way or another. The ground is quieter, though the wind is ever persistent as I walk. I feel the encouragements it whispers in my ear, the way it cleans leaves from my path. It whistles songs for me, to keep me occupied and not thinking of how I shall be punished and hurt whenever I am caught.
I won’t be caught. Uncle shall never get to beat me to death again. He will never get to own me. I will die out here, true. But I shall die as a symbol. Like the Crow Child. Like the Dark Lord. They live and shall free our world, but in death-cremation I suppose-I shall join their ranks in the forbidden texts of the uprisings. 

I continue walking away from the kingdom of the Emerald King. I continue on my way towards the kingdom of the Dark Lord. I do not plan to stay, of course. It is simply a nice way to walk while I debate how I shall finally be killed. Well how I shall be tortured before burned publicly in front of my kingdom. Before I am found. For no one in their right mind will protect me. I shall probably left in the dark again. Uncle was always a fan of using cold against me. I remember being little. I smile softly, hearing the crunch of leaves under my feet as I walk forward down the autumnal paths. I remember being a small child, before Ra’s became quite so cruel. I had blankets then. Oh I miss blankets. Warmth. Having places to hide, and I hide not out of fear but out of fun. I enjoyed it then.

Now I’m in the middle of nowhere, hiding in the hopes that I inspire hope in my death. I will not be mourned, obviously. But I will be remembered. In a strange way. But I will be remembered. 

I am not my Uncle’s, never again.

I am meant to be free, even if in death.

Many hours later, the sun high in the sky and the wind dying down, I am trapped alone with my thoughts and memories. They are cruel, petty things. I ignore them the best I can, heading up yet another hill. Leaves litter the ground, brown and orange and yellows setting the ground aflame. I feel another ache of sadness as I think of my wood, the wood being burned as Uncle looks for me. It is a message. First the wood. Then me.

I reach the top and gasp softly. Oh . Oh how beautiful. I had forgotten how other kingdoms look. How they have tapestries and murals and color . It’s wondrous. I can scarcely breathe at the awe-striking effect the place leaves on the land.

It is not a show of power, simply people existing. It is beautiful. It has been ever so long since I saw others simply existing. 

I am suddenly aware of the stilling of the wind, the earth calmly beneath me. The crows land next to me, one after another. There are dozens. I can not move, not that I would dare to. Something sacred is happening, I believe. I am proved right when a mammoth crow appears, a child on it’s back. I am surprised they are able to stay upright, with how large the corvid is. 

To think, I had never seen one before, was not sure they existed, but a day ago. And now I am surrounded by these omens, these symbols of freedom. 

Uncle has said they mean death. 

They do in a sense. The end of his power. But for the rest of our world? They symbolize safety. Freedom. Rebellion.

The girl lands next to me, and leaps over, twin brains bouncing on her back. 

“Hi! My name’s Eevee. What is your name and crow-nouns?” 

Eevee. The infamous Crow Child. 

I might stand a chance at survival after all. 

Chapter Text

“Hi! I’m Eevee, what is your name and crow-nouns?” I ask, bouncing up and down slightly. They’re super skinny, and tiny, and they have a ton of bruises and scars and stuff. Tracy said that they should meet Dad, but it took the crows a long time to decide on whether or not to trust them. They seem…stiff.

“Eve Al Ghul, rightful ruler of the Emerald kingdom. She/Her.” Hmmmm…that sounded like a lie. Well, that’s not my business. “What of you?”
“Oh I’m Eevee, duh, and I use she/her! Why are you all tired?”
“...I left my home.”

“Yeah Ra’s is a piece of work.” I shrug. “Well, Tracy said that you’re interesting. So, you wanna come with us?” She seems super confused. “You don’t have to but it’s fun! And we got a ton of food!”
“What is the purpose of the meeting?”
“So you can meet Dad!”
“...you have a father.” She doesn’t seem very good at talking. That’s fine, I can talk enough for both of us.

“Yep! They’re the best. And they have dinosaur shaped food.”

“What are dinosaurs?” She doesn’t know about dinosaurs!?! That’s a very important thing! Almost as important as talking to crows!

“I’ll tell you on the way. This is Mr. Giant Crow! They are very nice, promise.” Eve seems kinda scared. I pat Mr. Giant Crows giant head. I giggle, cause giant crow and giant head. “You can pet them if you want. They use they/them pronouns. Most crows do.”
“That…is quite intriguing.” Eve admits quietly. She seemed excited when we showed up but now she seems worried. And scared. Makes sense. Ra’s is the worst. I can’t wait to kill him. 

“Ready to get on? Have you ever ridden a dragon?”
“Oh, I had one a long time ago. She wasn’t mine though. I was hers.”
“I’m the flocks! We all protect each other.” She smiles.

“Everyone says you tricked the crows. I knew that was nonsense.” I beam back and climb up onto Mr. Giant Crow. I offer her a hand to pull her up but she’s up on her own in seconds. 

“You’re strong.” I say approvingly. She nods, wary again now that she sees how high we are. “We’re only a little away. Now I can explain dinosaurs!” I debate how the best way to start my story is whenever I notice that Eve is just staring at the forest. Oh yeah, I forgot that the Emerald kingdom is just kinda dead. She seems more focused on the town though, and the shadows of the setting sun. I also forgot that the Emerald kingdom is pretty human-washed. Only humans there, no one cool. Even I’m not allowed because legally I’m a crow citizen, not human. 

I mean, I did also take one of Ra’s Al Ghul’s eyes and scarred up his face. 

But mainly the crow thing.

I can wait to tell Eve about dinosaurs and other stories! We finally get to the castle. Eve seems to come back all at once when we fly in.

“DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD-” I see her panicking silently and stop yelling for Dad. “Is it loud with Ra’s?” She pauses a lot before she speaks. Like she’s being super extra careful not to say the wrong thing. 

“Sometimes. I’m not meant to be loud, unless he is particularly angry.” Why would he want her to be loud when he’s angry?
I would ask but I don’t think she wants to talk about it. That’s fine! Dad is very good at helping people learn how to talk. 

“Come on!”
“Your father is the Dark Lord?”
“Yep!”
“...that makes a lot of sense.” We dismount and I grab her hand. She shivers, but it’s not bad I don’t think. I see it happen a lot, with kids. I purse my lips and decide that since our names are similar and Eve likes crows that Dad is gonna adopt Eve. That seems fair. I can share Dad and we can hang out in the evil blanket fort of solitude! And we can eat dinosaur chicken nuggets!

“I did not think I would find any of you.” Eve admits quietly. “I assumed I would be dead before the night sky arose.” She talks weird. That’s okay, I’m weird too. Dad is the weirdest.

“You’ll like it here, cause we got food and you’re hungry. And we have crows! And dinosaur stories!”
“...what do you mean I will-”
“I found Dad! Come on Eve!” I pull her forward and she blinks again. Tracy followed us, but the others stayed in the part of the castle that I call the crowstle. Cause it’s for the crows.

“I know that crow.” She whispers. “You smiled at me.” Tracy says some rather rude things about how I didn’t introduce them yet. I squawk back about how I will later, I promise, but Eve’s gotta meet Dad first.

“Dad Dad Dad, I met Eve, can I keep her?” Eve is deeply confused but that’s fine. I’ll figure out how to make her happy.

“Is Eve a crow?”
“Yeah, she’s part of the flock so pretty much.” Eve is staring at Dad. They only look 17 so I guess he’s not as scary as she was thinking. Dad’s working on another spooky evil plan, so they haven’t looked up.

“Alright my little secretary.” Dad looks up and double takes at Eve. “...”
“Hey, you both pause the same!” I note loudly. Too loudly, cause Eve winces and takes her hand back. “Sorry Eve.” I stand on my tip toes to pat the top of her head. She looks even more confused. Maybe she’s hungry.

“It’s nice to meet you, Eve. I’m Tim. He/They.”

“She/her.” She whispers, looking down. She straightens, curtsies, and look right above Dad’s shoulder so it looks like she’s looking at his eyes but she isn’t. “I wish to assure you that I have left my kingdom in the hopes of somehow stopping the wrongs of my Uncle. I in no way stand with Ra’s Al Ghul, nor do I support his actions. I believe they’re deeply wrong. I…I know that he was cruel. To you. I apologize for it.” 

Dad definitely doesn’t want her to feel bad about stuff she didn’t do. They’re clearly thinking super duper fast, and probably about how little she is. I mean, yeah we’re in a war so all the kids are little but she’s extra little. And she has a lot of scars. I don’t think there’s a solid inch of her that doesn’t have a bunch of scars on it. 

“I am not here in an attempt to make an alliance, because I have no power in the Emerald kingdom. I assumed that I would be brought back to my Uncle by the end of the day. I did not expect to make it to your kingdom, much less to your castle sir. I apologize for any intrusion.”

It takes Dad a moment to answer.

“Are you thirsty? Or hungry?”
“Dad gives people water to make them feel better.” I explain, pulling Eve forward and waiting in the doorway of the black hallway for Dad. He leads the way down the long winding halls, quiet and thinking. I ramble about how the crows followed Eve around all night and day, and then Tracy got me and now she’s ours. Dad doesn’t argue, or maybe he doesn’t hear. Eve is trying to look calm, but I think she’s never been more confused in her life.

“This is our kitchen.” Dad says awkwardly. Eve nods, awkwardly. I have to do all the work getting people adopted around here. 

 “Dad get Eve water.” Dad already was, and he hands Eve water while rooting around for food. Eve is clearly very confused by the cup. It’s a very pretty color with crows on it!

“You just drink it.” I whisper. “Don’t worry.”
“I was not worried.”
“Yeah you were, silly.”
“I am not silly.” I think when she’s scared she gets a little snappy. Now Eve is looking at Dad’s back and shaking a little. “Sorry.” I think that sorry means please don’t let me get hurt. So I pat her head again and shove her so she sits at the table. She drinks her water, quietly watching. 

“You left your Uncle?” Dad asks gently.

“Yes sir.”
“You can call me Tim, Eve.” She clearly does not want to do that. “If you want.” She brightens a little. Why would you want to call someone Sir? That’s boring. Dad sees my thoughts-he always does, it’s annoying-so I don't say anything after they give me a look.

“Can you tell me why you left him?”
“He’s hurting people. He’s going to kill everyone to get what he wants.”
“What does he want?”
“He wants control. Power. He wants all the land on our continent. Then he’ll try to find more.” Eve shrugs quietly. “And something else. I just…don’t know what.” Dad nods softly and sets food down in front of us both. I glare at him until he also gets food. Eve is unsure what she’s meant to do, so I start eating. She mimics me, but she’s a lot neater with her doom chicken noodle soup of eternal darkness. Dad calls all our stuff really evil names because it’s fun!

“Where are you going to go?” Dad asks.
“She’s gonna stay with us!” I answer, aghast that they would suggest anything else. “You have to adopt her.” They both look uncomfortable.

“I do not have a plan, beyond ensuring that my Uncle has no immediate bloodline connection for the throne.” Eve answers, clearly attempting to hide how hungry she is. Dad wordlessly takes her bowl and fills it up again. There is no room for argument in his dead eyes. Vampire Dads are the best. 

“You left, knowing you would be killed, to make a point?” There’s no judgment.

“To…ensure that when I was finally killed for good there was a point to it all.”
“A point to what Eve?”
“My life. However pathetic it may be. There needed to be a point. If I could not help my people as a ruler, then I could perhaps encourage them in death.”

“That’s dumb.” I answer, legs swinging. “Not dumb, but that was before the crows found you. Now you’re in the Flock, and you can stop Ra’s with Dad!”

“You should stay.” Dad agrees. “Better. Safer.” He shrugs. “You won’t last long outside the castle.” Eve looks like she would like to argue, but she’s distracted by the food. She looks super duper hungry. 

“And then whenever I kill your uncle,”
“Or I do.”
“Or Eevee does.” Dad amends. “You take over your kingdom. But you stay here until then.”
“...” Eve has a lot of little pauses when she talks. She’s scared, I think, of saying the wrong thing. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why not just kill me yourself? Or hold me ransom? Or keep me upstairs instead of in the dungeon? There’s not a point being nice. I’m used to people hurting me, it’s really fine. You don’t need to pretend to be kind for me to stay.” Yeah Dad will totally keep her now.

“Dad’s not pretending, he’s very nice. Dad, can I show Eve the blanket fort?” Dad let’s it drop, for now.
“We’ll all go look.” I think Dad wants to be sure Eve doesn’t do anything, and that I don’t do anything to scare Eve. Eve’s eyes get mammoth whenever she sees the blanket fort and she shakes softly. She’s super cold, but I kinda forgot.

“This is the evil blanket fort of solitude!”
“...okay.”
“We sit in here and talk and play games and take naps!”
“You have a lot of blankets.” Eve whispers, sounding awe struck.

“Yeah, Dad gets a lotta blankets. Being cold is bad.” Eve nods, dazed. We enter and Eve sits as straight as she can, but it’s pretty clear she wants to touch everything.

“I’m going to get a room ready.” Dad says, standing awkwardly. “If you need anything, tell Eevee.” And he’s gone. 

“Blankets!” I cheer, throwing them on Eve. When she doesn’t move to put them on right I lean over and make sure she’s warm. 

“You get blankets here?”
“Yep!” I pause in horror and whisper, “Ra’s didn’t let you have blankies?” She looks embarrassed.

“He did.”
“I dunno know.” I answer, giving her my best look I stole from Dad. The ‘I know what you’re up to’ look. 

“He did . It’s just been awhile.”
“How longs awhile?” I ask, stacking pillows.
“I think,” She counts quietly for a minute. “4 years. And a half.” I look at her in horror and slowly give her another weighted blanket. She shrugs away the words and asks, “You sent the crows to attack Ra’s?”
“Yeah. I only took his eye, not his heart, so he’s alive.” Eve nods.
“I’m glad you did. Why did Master Tim say that you’re a secretary?”
“I’m the Evil Secretary of Doom!” Eve does not understand. “I told Dad I wanted to be their evil secretary and they said yes.”
“...so…you get blankets, and food, and…you can keep your crows…” I patiently wait for her to sort it out. “...don’t get in trouble, and all you have to do is help them?”
“I mean, we don’t have to help Dad. But it’s fun!”
“Huh. That’s weird.”
“It’s a good typa weird!” She shrugs.

“Weird is weird. Weird is interesting. Interesting can be good or bad.”

“This is good interesting-weird.” I assure her. “Why didn’t you just kill Ra’s?”
“If I failed I would have served as a reminder that if you defy him head on you die…and it is not an achievable goal. For others.” I wait. “...you have to train…work…fight to beat him. Escaping is easier. More attainable.”
“It’s not about what you could do, but how you could remind others of their choices?”
“Yes. Exactly. I did not think I would survive.”
“Well now you’re definitely gonna be a cool symbol person.” She shrugs.

“The point was to bring hope. I would not be grieved. I did not wish to be known for my own sake, simply for others to be seen.” I’m glad that she left. Now she’s safe, and we can blow up things together!

“Blankets are good.” She offers quietly. I nod.

“Dad has so many .”
“Your mother?”
“She’s dead. I don’t think I met her. You didn’t meet your mother or father did you?”
“No…I did not.” Eve doesn’t seem to particularly care. “They were murdered by my Uncle. I believe so anyway. Either way they are both dead.”

“Dads a good dad. Especially cause he’s a vampire.” Eve smiles.

“ I knew it .”
“Do you have a bag?”
“Why?” 

“For all your stuff? Like clothes and books and glitter and pictures.”
“I don’t have those things.”
“Why not?” I ask, eyes wide. “No books ?”
“...I kept finding the stores of confiscated books. I… was punished. I was not meant to see anything but propaganda.”
“What about clothes and stuff?” She shrugs.
“I took the things best for running.” She’s in a weird floofy green dress with muted shades of gold. It looks annoying. “And I had no need of pictures. No one in particular to remember.” Well that’s sad.

“But no glitter ?”
“...what is…glitter?” Oh we have to fix that, glitter is quite important to the Dark Lord’s plans of conquest. I sigh.

“You really don’t know about dinosaurs?” She shrugs noncommittally. “You don’t know a lot of things. That’s fine, I can show you!”

“I know some things.”
“Yeah you do, I know! But you know cool princess murderous things. I know about fun things like pie, and murder things!”

“...what’s pie?” I look at her in shock. This has to be a joke. It is not a joke. 

“That is very very bad Eve.” I whisper. “You need cuddles.” When she just looks confused I get angry. “You don’t even know what cuggles are?”
“Yes I do.” Eve snaps back, looking down, face red. “They’re-They’re…like hugs. But longer. I think.”
“When did somebody last give you cuddles?” I ask, arms crossed.

“I get hugs!”
“When did you last get a hugs?”
“...” She pauses again, but this time it’s a ‘trying to remember’ pause. Not a ‘I have to be perfect’ pause.

“I think three years.” She admits. “Kinda.”
“We have a secret code for hugs.” I assure her. “Because it’s hard to ask sometimes. And you can always say no, that’s why the code is secret.” I try to explain the three taps. “If you poke someone, it doesn’t matter where, three times then that’s asking for a hug. And you can say yes or no.”
“...okay.”
“You don’t understand do you?”
“...not really.”

“Let’s go find Dad.”
“You’re going to bother them? While they’re working ?”
“Uh, yeah.” I answer, shrugging. “We already did, when he was in the testing room.”
“That was different.” She whispers.

“Why?” I ask, not really getting why she’s afraid but fine talking about it.

“Because they’ll be mad if we bother them when he said to stay here.”
“Nah, Dad says when they’re actually busy. You can take your blankets.” I assure her as I stand.

“This is a bad idea.”
“It’ll be fine! Worst case you just come back to life!” Dad isn’t gonna do anything, but that might help Eve feel better? I don’t know, I don’t really get it.

“How do you know that I can come back to life?” She sounds scared, blanket over her shoulders like a cape. I do the same, so she isn’t lonely. 

“The Crows! I know everyone’s secrets.”
“Oh…Will you tell your parental figure?”
“Dad?” She nods as we walk forward, dragging her feet. “Nah, I won’t tell him.” She nods again, looking relieved. “He said he was gonna make you a room but I dunno know where .” So I give Eve a tour while we wander around. “This is Dad’s room, and this is the big window place, and yeah.”
“I like your castle.” Eve whispers. “...are you allowed to wander freely?”
“Yep! There’s a few rooms that Dad says not to go to, but everywhere else is fine! There are signs on the doors we can’t go in, because sometimes I forget.” I admit, skipping forward. “But it’s okay, Dad never gets mad.” She does not believe me. That’s fine, it’s hard to learn. Especially when people are constantly mean to you. We finally find Dad in the library.

“Hi Dad!”
“Hello little crow.” I beam, bouncing on my heels next to him. “Why are you in the ‘brary?” They look to Eve.

“I…thought this might work well.” Dad pulls a book out and the bookshelf makes a clicking noise. They pull the shelf forward and there’s a room . Eve’s eyes are huge, and her hands are vibrating a bit. It’s a little room, but it’s a hidden room meaning it’s a perfect room.

“If you want you could stay here.” She answers immediately.

“Wherever is easiest for you.”
“You’ll stay here.” Dad rewords, clearly deciding something or other.

“HIDDEN ROOM!” I cheer. “And you’re right in the library! You can read all the books in the world!”
“Maybe not all the books in the world.” Dad corrects. “But many.” He turns to look at Eve again, whose eyes are wide and mouth slightly open. “They are not controlled by Ra’s. His influence does not appear here.” Dad is talking all weird, but that’s cause he’s kinda awkward with new people.

Really awkward.

They do their best. 

“You gotta explain the three taps.” I tell Dad. “Cause I tried and I don’t think it helped.”
“If you’re occupied I can leave, until you are no longer busy.” Eve immediately offers, hands clasped behind her back. Dad just ignores that, and explains. 

“The Three Taps are our code for when someone wants a hug. Or sit with someone else. They simply check that the other person is fine with contact in that moment. We do not always say yes. That does not mean it is a personal attack.” Eve nods slowly.

“...why am I being told of this?”
“Eve hasn’t had a hug in three years .” I explain, patting Eve on the head again. She looks deeply confused, as always. “You are not very good at hugs.”
“...I am 14.”
“Yeah I’m 12!”
“Why do you insist on hitting my head?”
“Cause that’s what I do with the Flock!” Obviously. Dad sighs softly.

“There’s no stopping her.” Eve tilts her head a little.

“Eevee is…strange.”
“Yeah I am! I’m a murderous crow child!”
“We cut back on your murder.”
“Yeah yeah.” I answer, dragging Eve into the room. “Look how cool it is!” Dad disappears, probably to get more blankets and stuff.

Or go read parenting books or something.

“DAD DAD DADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.” I yell, sliding down the halls in my socks. “YOU’RE GONNA MISS A MEETING!” Eve, who has been reading for hours pokes her head out of the library.

“Where is he?”
“I dunno know. Castles are fun but you lose people way too easy.”
“I…find that to be part of their appeal.”
“What meeting do I have, little secretary?” There Dad is! They look very scary and all with their black eyeliner and whatnot.

“You have to read me a story.” I say, very seriously. It’s almost dawn, and I’m tired . “And Eve has to listen. She’s never heard about dinosaurs.”
“Dinosaurs are pretend.” Dad explains. “They are not of immediate importance.” Eve exhales.
“But they are important, cause you need to hear bedtime stories.” I argue. Her face doesn’t change which means- “You have to listen to Dad now, cause they tell the best stories.”
“Eve does not have to do anything, though she is welcome to join us.” Dad answers.

“Yeah you don’t gotta but it’s fun.” Eve stays sort of frozen, probably waiting for more direct instructions. Dad sits down in one of the giant arm chairs and I sit down on the ground by them as they read out of a book. 

Eve slowly puts down her own book on grown up stuff to stare at Dad in awed silence. Dinosaurs are crazy pretend things. They’re like dragons, but without wings and they’re a lot meaner to one another. They’re even crazier than the stories about giraffes. Giraffes are way too crazy to be real. Dad doesn’t change anything from normal, it’s just like if Eve hadn’t been there. But she is.

“Five more minutes?”

“We’ve had 3 ‘five more minutes’ already.” Dad quietly argues, helping me up. “Say night to Eve?” I sleepily do the three taps on Eve’s arm. She nods, unsure. I give her a tired hug, but I make sure it’s a good hug cause it’s been so long since she had one.

“Night Eve.”
“Good night Eevee. Sleep well. Do not let the swords stab.”
“...what?” I ask, confused. 

“Like don’t let the bed bugs bite.” Eve explains.

“That’s weird.” Eve shrugs. “Night Eve.” I go to wait in the hall for Dad to come so I can make sure they at least pretend to go to bed.

“Eevee showed you where our rooms are?” Eve must nod. “Get us. If needs be. You are welcome to eat, read, simply do not enter the rooms marked off limits.”
“I understand Master Tim,” I know Dad winced at that. “...that was wrong. I apologize.” Dad better give her hugs.

“I would rather you avoid that term. But you are by no means required to call me father. Or anything beyond Tim.” Eve must nod again. That was not a hug Dad.
“I don’t…use she/her.” Eve admits, trying to keep her voice calm. “I use she/they/it.” Dad doesn’t ask why it didn’t say so before. Ra’s is bad in a lot of ways. People can be bad in a lot of ways.  It’s not our business why. Only to make sure they feel safe.

“I will remember. Thank you for trusting me with that.”
“Good night…Tim.”

“Good night Eve. Sleep well.” They must smile a little as they get closer to me, leaving the library. “Perhaps I should say enjoy your reading.” Eve totally smiles the second Dad is gone.

“Next time,” I say very seriously, dragging Dad towards their room. “You gotta give hugs.”

Chapter Text

“Good morning Eve!” I look at Eevee and wave. “Why are you doing,” She wrinkles her nose. “ Dishes ?” I continue scrubbing at the plates and things in the tub of hot water.
“So M-So Tim doesn’t have to do them.” I explain.

“But Frederick will be back tonight. And he does dishes. So you don’t have to.” I tilt my head in confusion. “He’s the cook. He went on vacation!” I don’t think any of Uncle’s servants went on vacation. “Dad is not very good at making food, but they can make some stuff! Frederick made us a bunch of stuff before he left. You’ll like him, he always gives me desserts even before dinner.” Strange. I am glad that Eevee is well liked, her loudness and tendency to smile would have only brought her harm in the Emerald Kingdom. She is safe here. I am glad.

“Want help with the dishes?” She asks, bouncing up and down a bit. “I’ve only ever dropped 5 plates!” …Eevee helping doesn’t sound like a very good idea. I shake my head no.

“I can do it.” I assure her. You’re Tim’s secretary, and that’s why he likes you. I’ll do everything I can until they tell me what to do! I can keep my blankets and room and book if I’m perfect. I am great at being perfect.

“Morning Dad!” Eevee does the three taps, and they both hug.

“Morning little crow.” Tim pauses looking at what I’m doing for a moment and lets me. So this is allowed. I file that away for later, finishing and sitting where I sat before so I’m not in the way. Eevee is eating something I don’t know the name of-there wasn’t much food with Ra’s, and rarely any variety. Tim puts something in front of me and I just take it.

“Dad, you’re gonna die if you keep drinking coffee with weird magic stuff in it.”
“I’m already dead.” Eevee gives a long suffering sigh.

“Dad makes a lot of vampire jokes. They’re not as funny as he thinks he is.” That seems like a really dumb thing to say. But Tim just smiles and ruffles Eevee’s hair as they sit down to Eevee’s right. I don’t respond to Eevee’s comment. Eevee may be loved but agreeing that Tim isn’t funny would be bad. Uncle never handled that well. I only tried once. 

Never again.

“What’s the plan for today?” Tim asks Eevee, holding coffee.

“I’m gonna follow Eve around and show it the castle. If you want to Eve.” Eevee says, with a shrug, eating stuff.
“I do not mind what we do.” I answer, feeling slightly disappointed I can’t keep reading…Or working to make sure Tim doesn’t send me back to Ra’s. Now that there’s a chance of surviving away from him I want it. I want to be free. I want to climb a tree again. I just need to be perfect, and never let Tim know I can come back to life.

I can handle the lesser torture, but if they learn they can do whatever they want and leave no consequences…I will not be able to take it. I know of the Dark Lord’s methods. I can not take that…well I could.

But I do not wish to. 

“Could you search for more of the crystals? We need more glitter.” Tim suggests, calmly, though they are aware of what they’re doing. Eevee sighs, getting the message. I get to choose what I do today…or at least I should be alone.

I will probably not be alone, if Tim gets angry about something or other. We eat, Eevee flies off…literally with her crows. I disappear moments later, as a coward. I would simply like to finish my reading before I get hurt. I go back to the library, sitting at a desk with a pretty candle thing right by me. I like how there’s light here. Or the availability of light, even in the darkest rooms.

I’m attempting to get a running timeline of what has happened in the most recent decades. I need to know what Ra’s did, how Tim got their power, and how the rebellion has been fighting back. If they have managed much at all. If they haven’t I would not blame them. There is only so much you can do under such a tyrant. 

I like the word. Well, I loathe it, but it is good for it to exist. I silently move to the window and move back the heavy thick curtains. No doubt to ensure that Tim doesn’t accidentally get burned. I exhale, feeling the Moon’s closeness. I press my forehead against the glass and feel the wind freeze the window pane in greeting. I smile softly.

“Nice to see you too.” I whisper. I sit on the narrow ledge, leaning against the window, and talk softly. About what happened once I met Eevee. About how apparently I’ll stay here. Even if it is just so Tim can use me against Ra’s, or as an ally whenever I take over the Emerald kingdom. But that’s fine, more than acceptable. I have books here. I can wander without fear of being punished-yet at least.

“I must figure out the rules.” I explain softly, taking notes on a journal Tim left for me. I do not think I can say no to the things they give. Once I am sure of my place I will attempt it.

It is best to owe nothing. Harder to use against you then. “And then it’ll be better than Ra’s. I hope so at least. Eevee’s here, so I won’t be alone if Tim does get mad.” I didn’t sleep at all last night..well day. I was too busy working on ciphers and applying them to every possible code in every book I could find that could be part of the rebellion. I’ve found the middle of a message. I don’t know it all…not yet. Something about Ra’s. It’ll take many more hours of going through pseudonyms and texts before I can find what I need. I have only met a few members of the resistance and even then they loathed me.

I suppose it is fair. I am his niece. But I do provide-well I did provide-large amounts of funds. I shudder softly, remembering how I would be punished for my actions as I flip through pages and take notes. The wind whistles outside and the moon seems to dim softly.

Left in a room for weeks and weeks on end, dying of starvation and dehydration only to come back, then die the same way. Days where I wouldn’t be able to move, feeling my body feed off itself, energy gone. I remember being so achingly tired that even the act of breathing brought tears to my eyes. Laying on the ground, curled into a ball on my side, staring at the wall with half shut eyes before I disappeared into death again. And I would be back. I always come back. 

Locked in an air proof box, suffocating to death. Coming back. Suffocating again, faster and faster. Sometimes it would only be for a few hours. Sometimes it was days. There were times I truly believe I would be left there for decades, forgotten and alone. I do not know if I die of old age. I simply hoped I would. I would wake up in my room (my cell) Never knowing if the hours of agony were real or imagined. The smothering feeling of being unable to breathe fast enough, get enough air in no matter what I did. The first few times it happened I cried. Fought. Tried to get away. Eventually I breathed slowly, calmed my beating heart, and tried to sleep. Rest. Enjoy the peace before the clawing of my lungs began. I would be back. I always come back.

Lurking, Uncle’s assassins lurking and waiting for me to be distracted even for a moment. Trying to stay awake, sword shakily grasped in my hand. I have been standing here for hours. Maybe a day by now. I keep falling asleep for a moment and jolting awake whenever one of my hidden attackers moves to attack. They slink back into the shadows. I can feel whenever they switch shifts. They get to sleep. Eat. Talk. Exist, outside of this cavernous pitch black room. I know windows are just to my left, I can hear the wind softly whistling to me. I can’t make out the meaning but it is there. I suppose that is enough. I would die, though it would take many days for them to manage to lay a hand on me. But once they get through my defenses I am done for. Exhaustion overtakes me. I am left there, bleeding and broken, until Uncle decides otherwise. I would be back. I always come back. And he was betting on it.

I hear the door to the library open and blink awake as if nothing is wrong. I am quite used to the nightmares clawing through my mind. Not nightmares. Memories. I prefer nightmares, for they did not truly happen. There is safety in lies, comfort in them. They can be pulled around you like a soft blanket, you can hide underneath them. Pretend the world is not true, that your lies are your reality. Lies can be soft, pliant, gentle. Lies can be cruel, sharp as glass, and horrific. Lies are simply projections of the self, of what we wish and fear.

Their existence is not their fault. People judge the lies and not the liars far too often.

I know what Eevee’s heartbeat sounds like, and this is not Eevee. Based on the silence it is Tim. I can only guess where they are based on the slight creaking of the dark wood floors. They get a book-I think so based on how the bookshelf shifts. If I concentrate I can hear far too much, far too many noises. I’m good at blocking them out, but in silences like this it’s rather useful. He leaves again, quiet, clearly trying to avoid where I am. I…appreciate it. I assumed that he would be attempting to find me. Make sure I’m aware of my place. 

I assumed they would want to show that I am not truly safe. Not for long.

Instead he just…left. Strange.

I move away from the window, letting the curtains flutter back down. I gather my supplies and sit at a desk again. I look at the blanket fort for a moment but shake my head. No. No blankets. I already feel asleep, I can’t afford to do so again.

I rub at my eyes, giving up as the letters move around so much I can’t even begin to sort through it. Eevee is in the evil blanket fort of solitude, talking to a crow.

“Have you met Tracy?” Eevee asks, seeing that I set down my work. I shake my head no, resisting the urge to massage my forehead. She joins me, Tracy does as well. I’m assuming Tracy is the crow.

“This is Tracy.” Yep. “Tracy uses they/them. Tracy is the one who decided you got to come meet me! Tracy is Mr. Giant Crow’s general.” I nod at Tracy, the tradition crow customary greeting. It is a sign of respect, like bowing for us humans. 

“Wanna learn how to talk to crows?” I gasp softly, not meaning to.

“I-It can be learned? Their language? Your language?” Eevee beams.

“Yep! Come on, it’s easier in moonlight. The night always likes having more followers for his birds.” I nod, joining Eevee as we go to the cliffside close to the edge of the castle. We got a ride from Mr. Giant Crow, who seemed happy to fuss over Eevee and even gently swatted at me in an attempt to pat my head.

I shall assume it is a cultural norm for crows to pat one anothers heads and take it as a compliment. I sit with Eevee for awhile, feeling the wind against our skin as she teaches me the basics. Tracy gives examples and I barely notice how I am utterly swarmed by crows, all excitedly watching the Crow Child teach another their language. Nor am I aware we are being watched from nearby trees…

“You are very smart.” Eevee says, writing things in the dirt. I don’t understand as I wait for the insult. “The next part-”
“What do you mean?” I ask, cutting her off.

“I said you’re smart. Cause you figured it out fast.” She answers. I see her get annoyed again and I deflate inwardly. Oh. I thought maybe Eevee wouldn’t get mad at me. I should’ve known better. She’s Tim’s child. The Dark Lords child. I should’ve known better than to talk back. I thought maybe she wouldn’t punish me or tell others to punish me…it’s okay though. Eevee’s mostly nice-

“Ra’s didn’t even say you were smart?”
“I’m not.” I answer immediately. That was always the right answer with Ra’s. I don’t think it’s the right answer here based on how Eevee’s eyes flash silver.

“Yes. You. Are.” She answers. She huffs, remembering something and stopping her next words. “You’re smart. Wanna take a break?” I nod, not really wanting to say any words quite yet. Quiet is better.

“How long does it take you to come back to life?” I shrug.

“Dunno know.”
“Do you think it depends on how dead you are? How you died?” Eevee pauses. “Wanna talk about something else?”
“It’s fine.” I say, and mean it. “We can see. I can jump off the cliff and see how long it takes to come back to life.”
“...does it hurt?”
“Only a little. And falling off a cliff definitely won’t.” I don’t think about normal people’s standards. I feel the pain in full. I’ve simply endured ever so much worse than falling from great heights and dashed upon rocks.

“Are you sure?”
“Yes, why would I not? Just…do not tell Tim.”
“I promised I wouldn’t.” She very seriously looks me in the eyes. “I don’t break promises.” I nod, and stretch a little as I stand. I walk next to the cliff and step off. I hear Eevee yelp and blink, easily manipulating myself so I can turn to see what’s wrong. In seconds someone has grabbed onto me, and are trying to stop us both from falling. What are they thinking, they’re going to die!   The wind slows us down a bit, and the earth is softer than it would’ve been otherwise. It’s jarring, leaves bruises, but whoever flew after me made sure that I was on top of them and not hurt so bad. 

“Kid what are you THINKING?” Tim. Tim? 

“Why aren’t you dead-oh right.” I mutter, jarred from the fall. “Vampire.”
“YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY DEAD.” They answer, and oh I have messed up. I couldn’t even last a full two days without Tim finding out. Now not only will I get punished for being able to revive, I’ll be punished for lying. I move off of them, trying to fight back the waves of quiet which want to cover my mind.

“I wasn’t going to be hurt.” I explain, managing to hold off the silence for a bit longer. “Not for long.”
“You walked off a cliff Eve. That tends to have lasting effects on your ability to breathe.”

“I don’t die. For long.” I mumble, trying to make my words work. “I always come back.” Tim exhales slowly, seeming to deflate against the ground for a moment. I’m expecting questions on how it’s possible, how I avoid death again and again. I have no answers, though I wish I did. 

I could stop it. Then I could be loved again. 

“I don’t want you to…do that. Again.” Now I’m just confused.

“But I don’t stay dead. It doesn’t matter.” I answer, shrugging. It’s far better to be beat to death than be tricked into thinking that it is wrong to die and be killed anyway. Tim is either kinder than Ra’s or ever so much more twisted. I…I can’t tell which.

“Yes it does Eve.” Oh, he simply doesn’t understand.

“It’s fine, truly. Uncle killed me often, I have grown used to it.” I ramble, standing and brushing leaves and dirt off the skirt of my dress. “There was one time where I disobeyed greatly, so he put me on a ship and we sailed deep into the sea. I was left in the ocean and had to make my own way back.” I shrug, fixing my hair quickly pulling it back into a braid. I loathe my hair. Far too long and easy to pull on or grab. “It took a couple of weeks. I kept drowning, returning, and swimming just to drown again. The tides do not take kindly to those who chose their own fate in the ocean. I was killed by the waves and water, meaning it was a greatly disrespectful act to revive and try to escape. Especially seeing as I came back so many times.” I finish righting my appearance, looking up for the first time. “I don’t mind dying, and falling off a cliff would’ve barely hurt.” I pause. I don’t think my explanation worked, for Tim just seems more upset than before.

“That is NOT okay.” I tilt my head a little, not noticing that I do. Nor do I know how childish I look. How young.

“But I come back. It doesn’t affect anything.” He just looks at me for a moment, and then changes slightly, comes up with a plan, I’m assuming. I also assume that I’m going to be punished for my insolence which is my own fault. I spoke back. That was foolish, offensive to the highest degree.

“You don’t believe the lies told to your kingdom, and yet you’re so quick to explain away your abuse? Can’t you see they are told by the same man, contain the same falsehoods?” I blink. Pause. There aren’t…words. Simply blank. The quiet is pushing through my mind and smothering any approach that could save me from immediate pain.

“They’re different.” I mutter, words slurring slightly. “They just are.”

“Can you tell me how they’re different then?” He sounds patient. I don’t know how to react to patient. I can react to angry. Yelling. Hitting. Screaming. Guilting. Shaming. Hatred.

I can react to Hatred.

Not Kindness.

It’s not kindness. I immediately start mentally correcting that thought. It’s manipulation. Ra’s did this. Remember? Don’t you remember the times he was ‘kind’? The times you believed that you were safe? The times you were that pathetic , worthless enough to believe that you could be liked ? You once debated being loved ? You would’ve begged for any crumb of attention and he knew it. And you’re doing it again.

You Always do it again.
So shut up, keep your head down, and remember there are no allies, only enemies those who wish to hurt you because there are no true consequences to their actions. 

“Eve, we’re going to start heading back up to the castle okay?” Tim says quietly. “Can I touch your arm?” I deflate inwardly, but not much. The words shut up, head down, remember repeat in my mind as they carefully move me forward a little, pulling on my arm gently. I move on autopilot, hands clasped behind my back, spine straight as a rod, footsteps even and silent, face pleasantly blank with hints of a smile.

I do not see how sick it makes Tim look. Or how angry.
I think that Eevee could’ve gotten us up faster with Mr. Giant Crow but instead we walk. I realize that Tim is probably walking slower so that I can keep up and instantly feel ashamed. 

Shut up, head down, remember

I speed up slightly. Tim’s pace alters with mine.

We get back to the castle.

“You need to know that you deserve to be treated like a human. I’ll give you some time to deal with that. I…know it is a new type of thought.” I take a breath, trying to get myself to speak but- “You can be quiet Eve.” It’s almost nonexistent, these sacred words. “You don’t…you don’t owe anyone your words.” 

Silence wasn’t an option. Uncle hated it. There was supposed to be noise. Talking, pretending everything was fine. Begging not to be hurt. I always heard people have a problem with begging, but to me it doesn’t matter. It can be faked easily enough. Screaming, whenever he finally lost it.

Silence, in Uncle’s presence, was not tolerated.

“Can I give you a hug Eve?” It’s very calm. Cautious. A smidge awkward.

Very awkward. I don’t know if I want to say yes. I think no is an option. That’s weird. Rather weird. Very weird.

“Mhm.” I think the last thing resembling a hug I received was right before Uncle crushed my ribs. That was not a good hug. This is a good hug though, because Tim is gentle. Careful. Almost like I matter. I don’t dare move into the hug or grab onto them like I want to.

I want to hide in between his neck and shoulder, and hold onto their shirt because hugs. The feeling of human contact is strange and electric and should be awful but it’s perfect.  

“Eevee’s waiting in the evil blanket fort of solitude.” Tim says quietly. I realize they’re waiting for me to move away-I never leaned in, or hugged back and I am proud of my restraint-so I do. “You can go there, or your room.” Cell. I want to correct Tim. Say cell.

Cell is safer than room. I know what type of pain happens in a cell. Rooms are an entire other matter.

I plan to avoid them all together, but remember that the blanket fort has blankets…so I go. Eevee covers my lap in blankets again and pats the top of my head solemnly. I have accepted it. She does the three taps and I sort of nod, more occupied with the soft blankets. She curls up into my side, sketching Tracy who’s comfortably sitting against one of my legs. I wait for Eevee to move away, and for the blissful feeling of her heartbeat against me to disappear. She stays.

I shudder slightly, out of pure joy, when I realize she is going to stay . Eevee won’t hurt me, not personally at least. That’s more than enough.

The sound of her pen scritching against the thick yellowing paper is comforting and quiet. I sleepily end up watching her, remembering when I was allowed to draw. It was so fun, so freeing. To be able to create, and not just destroy. But Uncle never let me enjoy things for long.

I am forced to stand there in silence, watching as each and every thing I have made is added to the pile. The night is cold. Uncomfortably so. The heat of the blaze helps, I suppose.

Though not worth it, never worth the warmth, as I watch the paper curl and burn.

My hands are clasped behind my back

My spine is straight as a rod

My face is pleasantly blank with hints of a smile

Tears track down my face as I simply watch the woman forced into the flames. A servant. Uncle had broken all of my pencils and taken my paper, ripping it to shreds. She slipped me a stub of a coal and piece of paper.

I watch her burn, not daring to move.

“ What did we learn from this?” 

“You will always know if I disobey.”
“And”
“And I will never ask for help again.”
“Good girl. ”

I hear the door to the library open again and based on the no-sound heartbeat it’s Tim. They join us in the blanket fort. Eevee doesn’t say anything about my weakness of falling asleep.

“This is pie.” Eevee says importantly, handing me a plate with something weird on it. To Tim she explains, “Eve doesn’t know what pie is because Ra’s is a bad person.” I shrug, not arguing that point. I eat the pie, because she wants me to. Not because it is very good and I like it. Tim brought a lot of food. And more blankets.

And I still don’t have to talk.

I don’t understand it. Tim starts reading, Eevee draws and I listen. I try not to fall asleep but Tim keeps reading quieter and softer, and Eevee is warm. Tracy is comfortingly curled against my leg, and as Eevee curls deeper into my side, I give up, slipping into the quiet and peace of nothingness.

Chapter Text

I wake up slowly, listening to the rise and fall of Eevee’s heartbeat and breathing as she sleeps. It takes me a moment to remember where I am, but Tracy is curled up happily against us both and for a moment I thought they were-

I deflate a little as I reach out to pet them only to realize they aren’t Ge- That they’re Tracy. I won’t think about him. I sigh softly, shifting so I have more blankets. Eevee burrows into my side, one arm and one leg thrown over me pinning me down. I smile a little, and move her hair away from her face. She headbutts my hand and I snort softly. I hum gently, throat scratchy, so she falls back asleep. It doesn’t take much. Eventually she rolls away, to go hug a crow that made a noise in their sleep. I sneak away, blanket over my shoulders like a cape to the kitchen. I pause and turn around. I forgot I have a room. I sit on my bed and smile. I like having a bed. I swing my legs, forgetting to be in control for a moment. I mess with my hair, braiding it messily. Or attempting to. I’m not very good at it.

I remember being little, someone showing me how. Carefully, with large calloused hands. I remember feeling proud of the pathetic attempts I was able to create. I remember and I regret.

“Eve I wanted more cuddles.” Eevee whines groggily, standing in the doorway. “Can I come in?”
“Uh huh.” I answer, looking at the books I have piled around the room. I meant to put them back but it’s been busy…Eevee taps my arm three times and I just pick her up and hold her in my lap while I look around and think. She hums happily and falls asleep almost instantly. I yawn softly, leaning back against the wall. 

When I wake up again we’re both curled up on our sides and I can hear the door to the library-not my room-fall shut with the softest click. I feel hot for once-not warm, even more than warm and it is wonderful-but I’m hungry and not sleepy anymore. Can I just…go? Eevee found me last time, but if we can say no to the three taps we can say no to cuddles right?

But I want people by me.

What if I say no right now and that means no forever? What if I never ever get to have hugs again all because I was hungry? What if saying no to hugs means yes to other things that are awful -

“Shhh” Eevee mumbles, kicking me a bit. “Your heart is loud.” Oh. I…I think if I’m keeping Eevee awake then it would be best, would be kindest to simply leave. So I am doing the correct thing by leaving. That should be allowed.

Yes. That should be safe. I quietly move away and Tracy flies up to land on my shoulder. I pause and they calmly rub their head against my cheek before going to watch over Eevee. I am not used to so much contact. It is good but I feel sick. It’s too much, all at once. I can’t breathe quite right, as if something is crushing me. It’s hot and prickly and all wrong. 

I exhale, pushing it all to the back of my mind.

All of it.

Every last bit.

From there I enter the kitchen, hungry . It’s a few hours past the last time we ate breakfast but I don’t see Tim anywhere. I don’t really know what food to get. Eevee said Frederick or someone would be back soon, but I think they’re somewhere else…I don’t know.

I don’t fully understand how the Dark Lord’s palace functions. 

I pull my blanket cape tighter around my neck, hunching my shoulders a little. I’m hungry and I don’t know what to do. If I root through cabinets I could be in trouble. I think about yesterday… how Tim said that what Ra’s did was wrong.

I still don’t get it.

It leaves no lasting effect. Scars don’t truly matter. I stand in the kitchen, blanket a shield from the outside. But nothing can shield me from my mind.

It doesn’t matter…does it? It can’t matter. Because if it matters then I matter and…and I can’t matter. That’s not my role . My job. I don’t like thinking about what my role is. I don’t like thinking about how I’m not my kingdom’s princess, not really. I just exist to be hurt. I’m the perfect victim. I protect so many others.

That’s what I’ve convinced myself for years.

If I get hurt, if I satisfy the anger in Uncle’s eyes, then I’m saving others. I made myself believe it was a choice. To live through what I did. Because if I was helping then it was fine. Acceptable. There was no need to cry or break if it was simply my job. If I was simply protecting others. It’s fine if I broke for a reason. If I was simply fulfilling my duties as the heir. 

If I don’t have that

If I was hurt for no reason, if it was simply because I was powerless and Uncle preys on the weak…then I do not know what I will do.

There is nothing to be done.

And I think that’s worst of all.

“Good morning.” Tim offers quietly, entering from the hallway. “Eve.” He finishes, seeing that it’s me rather than Eevee.

“Sleep.” I mumble, the words sticking in my throat and clinging to my lungs. I had meant to say Eevee is still asleep but I already failed. I already failed, I already messed up-

“Ah." There's a pause. "Are you hungry?” They feel out of place. So do I.

I should go. But…But I don't know what food I can have. And I’m hungry. I’ve been hungry for a lot longer in the past but eating three whole meals for an entire day has reminded my mind of what it means to be full. My body is quite annoyed that I have not eaten.

“What do you want to eat?” Oh. I guess I don’t have to answer then. I shrug. I don’t get choices. Choices are bad. Scary. Which is absurd, but if I ruin things then Tim will realize that hurting me is fine.

If this isn’t some strange twisted plan.

I’m too tired to figure out what Tim is planning.

“Go sit down?” I do, hiding in my blanket. Hiding is safer, and it has not been outlawed. Yet. I will hide until Tim says it is not allowed. I’ll shall figure out the rules. It will take…time.

And longer to discover what angers Tim.

It is not a good process. It will be harsh. But I handled with Ra’s. I can handle this.

I always find a way to survive, though I suppose I can’t take credit for it.

“If you’re hungry just tell me.” Tim says, leaving a plate of…something? in front of me. I don’t answer. I have no intelligent answer to that…offer. Command? Order? I do not like having to test the boundaries of their patience, and learn their cues. What their words truly mean. It is not safe.

But since when am I allowed safety?

“I need to talk to you. Can you listen right now?” I do not understand. Obviously I can. If I couldn’t I would manage anyway. I simply nod.

“Yes sir.” I continue to forget that Sir and Master are not necessary or wanted here.

“Ra’s-” I do not flinch. I don’t like the name. “He sent a warning while you were asleep.” Tim fishes something out of his pocket and hands it to me. I have to fight back the wave of quiet that tries to overtake my mind as I look at the awful stupid cruel cursive.

Uncle thought it was funny. That it was so hard to figure out. He made it worse , even harder to read. He’d give me instructions in cursive and punish me if I read the letters wrong… I just hand it back to Tim, not wanting to struggle through it in front of him.
“Want me to sum it up?” Out of place. We always seem out of place.

I think I have ruined that sense of peace, of knowing where you belong. I can not manage to help anyone. The only thing I’m good at is hurting for others. It’s what I have to do. It’s what I’m best at. If I can just figure out what Tim needs here, then I can fit. Eevee is their kid. And secretary. Which is kinda weird but he likes her. Loves her, I think. Which is strange.

I just need to learn how to ensure they tolerate me. 

“He said that if I don’t bring you back then he’s going to come after you and I. Which is nothing new. He also said that he’ll send someone named Jason after you.” Oh . “But nothing is going to happen.” Tim immediately fills in. “Ra’s can’t get to me. Or you.” Yes he can. I thought Uncle wouldn’t use Jason… but why? Why wouldn’t he? It’s smart, a wise tactical decision. It’s not like Jason cares anymore. He loathes me.

I deserve it.

The Monster didn’t. We didn’t…have any good names. I promised one day I’d take it upstairs to the library and find a new name. We never did. I had definite proof of it’s death. An assassin missing fingers would be useless to Uncle. He wouldn’t waste time retraining it either. It was dead, and that didn’t matter, particularly. That it died. As awful as it is, there was no effect on anyone other than myself and Jason. No one else had ever spoken to it, as far as I knew. And Uncle. But he does not count. Perhaps Jason should not either.

It’s not a monster! It’s younger than I am!

You’re leaving. If you tell anyone what you saw you’ll be lucky if Ra’s locks you down here for the rest of your short pathetic life

“Eve, can you hear me?”

I’m not leaving it! You’re the Monster ! You and Uncle! 

Well now that certainly wasn’t a wise choice of words, was it child

I would’ve stayed silent had I known Uncle was present. I knew better then. I know better now. I was killed, then and there. It was forced to watch. It cried. I tried not to. Uncle refused to let me die until I did, so I did what he wanted. I suppose that is wrong, in some sense. It gave him a sense of control for I to do what he wanted. But that never bothered me. He wasn’t in control. Not of my mind. I did not care what he did to my body, that always was fixed. The only things that haunt me are the memories. The traces, the poison, of my learned behaviors, the words pushed into my soul before I could fix my mind and fight them off. That’s what hurts me now, trying to remain apathetic towards Jason. I was taught to like him. Care about him. He was…kind. Sort of. He pretended to care, and when I was young it was enough. More than enough. It was so much more than anyone else had ever bothered with.

It was a lie, and even at seven I knew that. Jason was simply another thing for Uncle to use against me. But I was a weak child. Pathetic. Clung to anyone who would stand me. If Jason is coming after me…if I have to hurt him…

I can kill him. I know this. I’m strong, stronger than I want to know. I was to be Uncle’s Heir. He did not allow weakness. Of course he didn’t, that would’ve been foolish. Uncle was anything but foolish.

But I don’t want to hurt Jason. I don’t want to see the life drain from his eyes. I don’t want Tim to see me kill.

I’m more of a monster than the girl in the dungeons ever was. I deserved to be locked away.

And Tim will know.

I’m sure they have a dungeon. It’s almost standard in castles. And he’ll lock me away for the rest of my life-which could be forever.

“ Eve can you hear me?” I blink slowly. “I should’ve waited. I’m sorry.” I shake my head. They’re too close . I don’t want them that close . They’re kneeling in front of me, backed away a bit but they could still reach out and grab my arm. I silence the thoughts pounding in my mind, beating them back with the reminder that I am here to do what is needed. My longing for peace means nothing in this war.

“It’s fine.” I mumble, trying to appear alright. As if I have everything in control. “What’s the date?”
“What Eve?”
“When is Jason coming?”

“He’s not.” I grit my teeth, and I don’t mean to grab at my hair and curl into myself but I do. I do. I shudder as Tim moves slightly, panicking. I already messed up, they’re going to hurt me, I’m going to be left to kill Jason with my bare hands. I wanted to ask for a weapon. Now there’s no way I’ll get one. I didn’t want to have to kill him with my bare hands. “Neither Ra’s or Jason can get to you.” I exhale through my nose slowly, trying to calm myself. 

“Uncle always has dates. Was there a day m-mentioned?”
“No Eve.” I purse my lips together, eyes squeezed shut as I try to handle all the new problems and threats sewing into a hood of shadows over my mind. “Bug, you’re hurting yourself.”
“What” I mutter, fingernails digging into my scalp.
“Can I touch your hands Eve?”
“Yeah.” I mutter, and don’t understand, too lost in memories and plans and thoughts and wants. I never wanted to fight Jason again. I never wanted him to try and hurt me again. I never wanted to survive past another week and now I’m here and Uncle wants to hurt me and I don’t know what to do. They’re holding onto my hands gently, keeping them away from my skin. I have scars from the time I dug my nails deep into my arms. They’re not noticeable surrounded by so many others. 

“Can I give you a hug?”

“Why?” The word is slurred, panicked, wrong even to my own ears.
“Because you’re scared. That’s okay. You’re allowed to be scared. But I don’t want you to feel that for long if you don’t have to.” Would…Tim giving me a hug make them feel better? Or happy? Because I can do that, that’s far easier than being hurt so that Uncle would feel better.

“okay.”

“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” Tim hugs me carefully just like before. I don’t understand why but it’s better than being hurt. It feels good, even.

“We’re going to go to the blanket fort.” It sounds like an order. I can handle orders. I shudder softly, my entire body rebels against the movement. I command it to cope, and it does. I get to the fort and I am grateful Eevee is still asleep even if she did take over my room. But I…I don’t mind. I know that if I asked her to leave she would.

Tim is another story.

Tim hands me one of the blankets that are heavy and I take it, hiding under as many blankets as I can. I won’t be able to run no matter what, I might as well be warm.

“Do you know what a weighed blanket is?” Tim asks, slowly. Calmly. It pulls me away from the rambling of my thoughts, stops them from knotting up anymore. I shake my head no. “It’s a blanket filled with sand to make it heavier.”
“Like this one?” I ask, before remembering I need to be quiet.

“Exactly.” They sound…not proud-obviously-but glad. Fond perhaps. I do not understand it. I don’t understand them. “Do you have any ideas why it might be heavier?” I shake my head, not daring to risk saying something wrong. “One reason is because it helps ground you. To this moment.”
“Because then you can feel the weight?” I ask quietly, not sure I’m right. “And you have to remember your body is real.”
“That’s right Eve, good job.” I squint my eyes, waiting for the sarcasm or lies or laughter. There’s nothing mean…yet. “Do you have any other ideas?”

“It’s soft.” I offer, voice small.
“Yes it is. Why do you think that helps people feel better?” I pause, trying to answer.
“Because it means they’re safe?” Tim nods.

“Soft or warm things generally help people calm down. And sometimes when it’s too loud or bright, going somewhere dark and quiet can help.”

“O-other people do that?” I ask, afraid of the answer. The trap.
“Yes. I do it, and so does Eevee. It helps whenever the world is a bit too much in that moment.” I nod shakily.

“You don’t get in trouble here?”
“No. Do you want to talk about that?” I kind of do. Just so Tim knows what I’m saying. I don’t want him to think it’s worse than it was, it wasn’t so bad. “You don’t have to.”
“If I said it was too bright or loud, Uncle would lock me in the dark.” I admit quietly. “Or outside all day. That hurt my eyes. He only made me go to parties sometimes, when I was bad. The noise hurt . I’d rather get killed than the noise.”
“I promise that you can go somewhere that doesn’t hurt and you won’t be in trouble.” I don’t believe them. But that’s okay. At least he didn’t say Uncle was right to do what he did. I know Uncle was, but I don’t like to hear it.

Jason said Uncle was.

Jason yelled at me.

I don’t like Jason. But I don’t want to kill him.

“Do you think we can talk again, or not right now?” I…I think I’m okay.

“We can talk.”
“Are you all the way sure?” For a moment I can see the Eevee in him. It makes me smile. I nod.

“I am convinced of my sureness.” Tim tries not to smile.

“Okay. Are you worried about Ras or Jason more?”
“Jason.” I admit softly.

“Can you tell me why?”
“Jason was nice sometimes.” He nods, and looks sad for a moment. “When I was little. Before I messed everything up.”
“What could you have done to ‘mess’ things up?”
“I…” I don’t want to talk about The Monster. “I didn’t save someone. I tried. And I failed.”
“That’s not your fault Eve. How old were you?”
“11.”
“That’s young Eve.”
“It’s not.” I answer, like it’s obvious. “And it wouldn’t matter if I was little. I failed. Failure determines tolerance.” I have said that line many many times.

“Eve…” they find the right words. “Would you be angry with Eevee if she failed to save someone?”
“No. Eevee is small.”
“Eevee’s 12.”
“That’s not the same.” I answer like it’s obvious. Because it is .
“Why was Jason mad you didn’t save someone?”
“He was glad they got killed. He was mad I found them.”
“Who did you find?” I shake my head. “Okay. You found someone, and they died.”
“Uncle killed it. He killed me first, and made it watch.” I shrug, looking down, hugging a pillow. I don’t know when I started doing that. “Jason was mad because he was working with it. Training it.”
“That’s your Uncle’s fault. Not yours.”
“I wasn’t supposed to talk to it.”
“Did you kill it because you wanted to?”
“No.”
“Then you didn’t do anything wrong. You had wrongs done to you. And I’m sorry Jason helped hurt you.” I huff and shrug.

“That doesn’t make sense.”
“That’s okay. It doesn’t have to make sense yet. I just want it to make sense one day.” That is dumb. “Can I ask something else?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want me to kill Jason?” I…don’t understand.

“I kill Jason.”
“Do you want to hurt Jason?”
“No.”
“Then can I kill Jason?”
“...no. I don’t want Jason to die.” I admit softly. “He did used to be nice…”
“I believe that…he used to be. But if he blames you for something that wasn’t your fault he’s not being nice anymore.”
“I know.” I shrug. “I just don’t want him to die. He was my Almost-Dad.” Tim looks…something as they nod.

“Okay. Eve, one more thing?”
“You have a lot of one more things.”
“Yeah. I guess I do.”
“You can say it anyway.” I assure them, waiting.

“Ra’s can’t get to you. Jason can’t get to you. I will never let them hurt you again. I will never let anyone hurt you again.” That does not make sense. I nod, to appease him. “Eve, I do not take promises lightly. And I swear that I will do everything in my power-and I happen to have a lot of it-to keep you safe.”
“Why?”
“There are a lot of reasons. Because you’re a child. Because you deserve to feel safe, and be quiet when you want to be quiet, and have blankets. Because you were an even younger child when you had any semblance of structure or safety ripped away. Because you’re strong. You never should’ve had to be so strong but you are. You should be proud.” Why? Of what? Failing the girl in the dungeons? The servants whose names I could never remember because I had to kill so many? Or watch Uncle kill them? What could possibly exist for me to be proud of? Eve Al Ghul is a monster. I want no claim to them. “And because you’re kind. I don’t know how , I will never understand how you managed that but you are. Eve, I want you to hear when I say I care.” But why

“Eve I want you to know that I won’t let anyone touch you again.”

Why why why

“Bug, You need to Understand that you could never have done anything to earn what happened to you. That it wasn’t okay just because your body healed.” I know better than to be honest. I know better. So I don’t say that Tim is wrong. I don’t list my failures. I simply say, “It was my job. Keep Uncle calm.”
“That is wrong on so many levels Eve.” I don’t want to argue yet. It’s not worth arguing. Tim simply doesn’t understand.

“Okay.”
“Want to be done talking?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s okay. Are you still hungry?” Are we really done talking? I look up, feeling a little hopeful. He smiles a bit.
“No.”
“I’m going to get food anyway. Eevee will find out if I don’t eat.” Tim jokes. “And coffee. I need coffee.” They mumble, standing and leaving. I sneak out, grab my latest book-one on dragons , and burrow under blankets again. Tim comes back with lots of food and once I’m sure it’s safe I take some. They do work on stuff-I don’t really know what-and I read. 

It’s not so awkward anymore, though still kinda.

I won’t have to fight Jason at least. That makes things easier. And I know Uncle can’t kill Tim, he doesn’t even want to. He wants to do…other stuff. I don’t know what, but other stuff. Uncle would never say.

“If Jason comes, I can hide?” I ask eventually. “I don’t have to watch you kill him.”
“I want you to hide if Jason comes.” Their voice is sure, but still tilted almost. As if they’re worried that a single sentence will break something or other. “You don’t need to see anymore death than you already have.”

“The Dark Lord will never let her leave.”
“You think I’m not aware of that?”
“I apologize, my king.”
“Continue with your foolish questions Todd.”
“Then why bother at all?”
“Eve will return. This…rebellious phase is only that. A phase. She will remember her place.”
“Will…”
“Out with it.”
“Will she be able to return on her own?”
“Of course not. The so-called Dark Lord is far superior to that useless child. But when she arrives, Eve will go willingly.”
“You plan to send her out? After the planning it took to convince both girls that the other was killed?”
“You dare to imply that you can understand my plans? Or see faults in them?”
“Of course not, you know my loyalty is-”
“You will remember your place Todd or you will be punished in the same way you punish her now.”
Silence.

Ra’s Al Ghul picks up where he left off.

“You will send the girl after Eve. And Jason?” Ra’s smiles, standing to disappear once more. “Ensure that our allies are aware of her departure.”

“It will be done.”
“Get out of my sight before I decide you are as worthless as when I found you.”

Chapter Text

I slowly mouth the word, petting him gentle. Cat. He purrs back, headbutting my shoulder gently from his spot curled up in my lap. I pat the top of his head as gently as I can. My knees are close to my chest, hiding him in case someone goes by. No one ever does, but I don’t want him to get hurt.

He’s warm. I like it when he comes to visit me, he does it almost every single night. And sometimes, when Jason goes upstairs and doesn’t come back, he stays whenever I go to sleep and keeps the nightmares away. He is a very good cat. He purrs softly and I try to imitate him. It doesn’t work. That’s okay, he’d be better at it anyway. Cause he’s a cat. I don’t know what his real name is, so I just call him Cat.

I don’t have a name either, but that’s okay. It’s sad that Cat doesn’t though. If I knew any good names for cats I would give him two whole names so that Cat knows he’s extra-loved. If I could go upstairs I would get Cat so much food he’d never be hungry again.

I hear the footsteps in the hall and hug Cat, gentle, one more time before he has to go. I wave, and he leaves.

I’m already cold . 

Jason appears-please please have food, I didn’t get any yesterday because I was bad. I didn’t do anything wrong all night so I can get food now I think-Jason doesn’t have any food. Or water.

When he raises an eyebrow, I immediately move away from my corner of the cell, and towards the bars. The walls are stone, except for the one that connects to the hallway. That one’s just a buncha metal lines and a door of metal lines. I trail right behind Jason, head down, hands clasped behind my back. I walk just fast enough that he doesn’t have to wait for me, but I’m not too close. Jason doesn’t like it when I accidentally touch him. But that makes sense, cause I’m a monster and nobody wants to be around a monster. It might wear off on you, and then you’d be as awful as I am.

Well, close.

No one could possibly be as revolting as me.

I brighten a little as I tune back into where we're going. Today has to be a fight day, because we went past the hallway that goes to the bad room. Which is good, I like fight days a lot more. I’m good at fighting. I even beat Jason one time. We enter the big giant stone room-with no windows, I miss windows-and I wait to know which weapon to take. Jason will hand me one, or point to the weapons which means I get to choose.

Jason never even has to talk to me I’m so good at listening!

Jason doesn’t move, so I gotta fight without weapons. Oh. I straighten, reminding myself that it’s okay! I must’ve been bad last night and not known it, and that’s why I don’t get weapons. Or food. It’s my own fault, so it’s doesn’t really matter that much. I’m only a monster, so if I’m sad or hurt it doesn’t matter. It’s probably good, even, because I’m bad so I deserve to get hurt.

I wait for the people I gotta fight to show up. I’m sleepy and remind myself not to rub at my eyes. That makes Jason mad. He muttered something about, “Pretending to be a real kid.” awhile ago, so I gotta make sure I don’t do it again. I don’t really know what he meant…but it was bad, so I just need to be perfect.

I’m very tired though…

I’ve waited a lot longer to fight people, I can do it. I’m just sleepy. I swing my hand in the air and smile, swinging it farther and farther. Up and down, and up and down, and-

“Stop that.” Jason hisses at me. I mouth the word sorry , holding my hands together tight in front of me.
Bad.

Stupid.

That was so so stupid, I know better. I know better and I still did it, no wonder I don’t get hugs or blankets I’m so stupid . I’m worthless, I can’t even stand still for a whole hour. I bet I won’t get any food all day and I’ll deserve it. I was bad, I deserve to have Jason yell at me or hit me. I should ask him too, that way maybe I won’t be bad again. Maybe I’ll finally learn. Maybe I’ll finally be fixed, or finally worth something. And if I’m not bad, then I’ll get a blanket again. Whenever I was little, I wasn’t bad. I had two whole blankets. Now I don’t have any, but that’s my fault. I was stupid. 

I am stupid. And worthless. And garbage. And I don’t know why anyone is ever nice to me. I don't deserve it.

Jason lumbers off to sit on the ground, back against the wall. I know I’m meant to stand here for however long I need to. Once Jason stands up and goes back downstairs I can go. I’m already so tired of standing for so long. I feel my eyes close and rip them open again. I have to stay awake, or else Jason is going to yell.

…I really don’t like when he yells. 

Why Ra’s hasn’t killed you yet I’ll never understand

Just stay awake. Then no one will get mad.

Utterly worthless. You couldn’t even stop your opponent from hitting you, what do you plan to do when you fight more than 10 people? Die? Then all our time will be a waste. Do you want to waste my time Monster?

Just stay awake. And no one will yell. And even if you get hurt it won’t be so bad. I hug my arms around myself, trying to give myself a hug. It…it doesn’t really work. That’s not how hugs work… I wish it was though. Maybe, if I’m perfect, Jason will give me a hug. He gave me a hug three years ago, and that’s not so long in the past. Maybe I’ll get one again. Maybe I’ll get a hug for 5 whole seconds. That would be a long time. Maybe, after a hug, I can get a blankie. Then, whenever Jason goes away, I can still be warm! Maybe if I’m so so perfect, I can go upstairs . I could see where the food comes from, and the clothes, and see the trees. I love trees. I miss trees.

I bet, if I’m the most perfectest perfect person in the whole entire world, Jason will say I did a good job. 

My entire body shudders slightly at thought. Not “You failed” not “I hope Ra’s finally loses his patience and kills you” and not even “It was alright. But nowhere near good enough.” Jason might look at me, and smile, and say that I did a good job. Or I was smart .

I’m not smart. I know that. But maybe he could be wrong just one time and say that I’m good? That I’m not a monster? Just that I’m good? Then even if Ra’s hurt me a lot, or if Jason hit me again, I would be okay. Because, for one minute, I was good. 

That would be wonderful.

It wouldn’t even matter if Ra’s took anymore of my fingers or made it hurt to breathe, because I would’ve been good just one time.

“Monster,” I whip my head around, excited. Here’s my chance to be perfect and get a hug, and a blanket, and maybe even- “Don’t move. If you move I will find out.” I nod-perfect perfect perfect-and he leaves. I don’t move. I barely even breathe. If I don’t move, then I’ll be perfect. I just need to not move.

Three of the people I normally fight walk in, talking.

“Ay, I know he said half an hour ago but we had other-”
“Kid’s already here.”
“Where’s Jay? He makes sure she stays in line.”
“Dunno know about you, but I’m not fighting the kid without him around.”
“Scared Alaric?”
“Are you kidding? Have you seen the Monster actually fight anyone?”
“She’s just there like moss on a log. We have our orders-same as always.”
“I’m sitting this one out.” The man who must be Alaric says, leaving his sword against the wall and leaning against it. The other two move in front of me in a fighting stance.

Just don’t move, you’ll be perfect, you’ll get a hug.

“...Isn’t she supposed to do something?”
“Let’s just fight her. Maybe she’ll start up again.” I’m angry they’re joking around. Don’t they understand what’s at stake. What if I do the wrong thing and Jason says he hates me again. What if I cry like I did last time, and…and Jason…

And Jason does what he did last time. Moving is a very bad idea.

Just don’t move, you’ll be perfect, you’ll get a hug.

“I mean, it’s up to you.”
“Yeah, you hit her first though.” I don’t move, not a single bit, as the hit lands on my shoulder. I’m strong enough that even though it hurts I don’t move a little.

“Like hitting a damn brick wall-You do it.”
“Shouldn’t she be doing something?”
“You two started now.” Alaric calls from against the far wall. “Gotta finish the job.” Hit to my stomach. Shoulder. Black eye.

Just don’t move, you’ll be perfect, you’ll get a hug.

“Starting to think we did the wrong thing.”
“Grab a knife. That’ll get her to fight us.” I shut my eyes and pretend I’m with Cat downstairs, and I’m in the quiet dark and no one is hurting me. 

“Dude, I don’t think she’s gonna fight us.”
“Keep going.” Jason’s voice rings out from the doorway. I almost turn my head, almost beg him to say “Good job” and give me a hug and, and-No. 

Just don’t move, you’ll be perfect, you’ll get a hug.

They keep going. I don’t move. I don’t block. Don’t defend myself. I just stand there, fighting back grunts of pain, and wait. When I finally lift my arm to defend my face I grab the sword with my hand-the blade cuts deep into my flesh but I barely notice-and I sweep the legs of my attacker. He crashes to the ground, and I swing the sword to dig into his neck. There are gashes over my legs, arms, everywhere but my face it feels like. Ra’s said that if I dared to allow my face to scar he would kill me.

That is why I moved.

That is the only reason.

“Weak.” Jason offers casually, hands in his pockets as he moves forward and plucks the sword from my hands. “You barely lasted half an hour.”

It hurt. I wasn’t even doing anything bad, I was doing what Ra’s said. I, I did the right thing. I did what the rules said. I don’t understand .

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” The man snickers and my face flushes in shame. I…I can’t… “ What do you have to say for yourself? ” I lift my hand to sign and in moments I am on the ground. I flew almost five feet before slamming into the stone. My shoulder aches-it came out wrong.
Just don’t move, you’ll be perfect, you’ll get a hug. I moved. I wasn’t perfect. So I get hurt.

I just wanted a hug. Or-or Jason to ruffle my hair. Or just look at me without hatred. Or food. I’m hungry. I just want food. I sit up, eyes blank.

“You know better.” Jason says, calm again. “Get up Monster.” I do, fluid as always. “Go back to your cell.” I am nothing and no one as I walk away. I am not Monster, who everyone hates and wants dead. I’m not the girl who just wants to pet cats and see trees. I’m not a child longing for any crumb of affection. I’m no one and nothing but agony and pain.

I sit down in the corner, and wait. I’m hungry. I sniff softly, and wipe the blood from my nose off on my sleeve.

It’s my own fault I can’t talk. It was a punishment for being bad. I got in trouble, and Ra’s took away my voice. It’s my own fault.

But it still hurts. And I still can’t talk. And I still get yelled at for not being able to talk. Signing is bad. I don’t know why Jason showed me how if I’m not allowed to use it. I want Cat back. I want him to come sit with me so I’m not all alone. I whimper in the dark, chest tight, air choking in my lungs. I just needed to stay still, be perfect, then I’d get a hug. I just needed to stay still. Why couldn’t I stay still? I’m so broken. And useless. And in the way.

No wonder Jason hates me.

“Stop crying and get over here before you bleed out.” I scrub my tears off my face, flushing. I was weak. Pathetic.

Only humans get to cry. And I’m a monster. I sit there, wanting to learn into the touch as Jason roughly cleans the cuts and stitches them. It hurts, the feeling of the needle pulling my skin together. I don’t mean to whimper at one point but Jason growls softly.

“What was that?” I shake my head, nothing nothing I didn’t do anything. “It better have been nothing or you’re going to Ra’s.” I shudder and I see him smirk and roll his eyes. “You’re way too easy to shut up.” He sounds like he likes me, right now. I don’t know what the words mean, but I deflate a little bit.

He doesn’t sound mad.

I’m tired. I wanna go to bed. I wanna blanket. It’s been so so long since I have a blanket. Jason doesn’t seem so mad…

As he stands to leave I turn around and stand. I stand there awkwardly, trying to figure out how to ask without using my signs.

“What do you want now?” I mime hugging a blanket around myself. He squats down to look me in the eye, smiling. I feel hope hammering in my chest. “You want a blanket?” I squeak softly as he cups my cheek in his hand. I lean into it-I can’t help it, I just can’t-and he lets me for two whole seconds. Then his voice changes. And his other arm grabs onto my shoulder, digging into the stitches. I whimper, trapped.

“Use your words.” He hisses at me. I shake, trying to pull back. I can’t move, I can’t move, he’s not letting me go. I want to get away. I can’t use my words. They BROKE my words. “Now Monster.”
I try. The action sends pain ravaging through my throat, and the only thing that comes out is a creaky croaking noise.

“Knew you were useless.” He stands, letting go and rolling his eyes. “Can’t even manage a sentence.”

I stand there, broken, as Jason walks away. I sob, silently, my throat having no words left. I sob, and it aches and I wanted a hug. I just wanted a hug. Or Jason to look at me and not hate me. I silently scream as I kick a wall again and again because HE PRETENDED. He pretended to like me. He pretended he was gonna give me a hug.

I sob, slamming my fist into the wall.

He pretended I was gonna get a blanket.

I sink into the ground, forehead pressed into the stone. My hand and foot ache as I sob.

He pretended I wasn’t a monster for two whole seconds. Only to hurt me more.

I just had to move. I just had to ruin everything. I just had to lose my hug. I’m so useless. Jason’s right. Jason’s right, I’m garbage. Useless. I’m a Monster. I’m worthless. I can’t even manage a sentence.

Cat finds me eventually and headbutts me until I go to my corner and curl up. He sits with me and licks my faced gently, and he purrs. I whimper, hiding my face behind him, so that if Jason walks by-if anyone walks by-they won’t see me cry.

Chapter Text

“Hungry.” I whisper, reaching up to tug on Jason’s sleeve.

“You’re what?” I don’t understand his anger and repeat my words cautiously. 

“Hungry…”
“Are you asking for food?”
“Uh huh.” Is that bad?
“ Why? ” He asks, teeth gritting as he glares at me. I want to go back to my corner and pretend I never said anything. But Jason won’t let me, I know that.
“...cause I’m so ‘ungry it hurts.”

“We’re going to Ra's. Now. ” I squeak, drawing my hand back, eyes widening in terror. “Are you going to argue with me Monster?” I shake my head, lips trembling as I try to figure out what to do. “Good.” We exit the cell-Jason was sharpening a sword before we started training-and head towards the bad room. I bite my lip, tears in my eyes. I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was in the rules that I can’t ask for food. I just didn’t know. Jason angrily walks forward muttering about how he had wanted to spend his time today. 

“A…am i in trouble?” I whisper, trying to look like a big kid and not scared. Jason says I’m worthless when I’m scared.

“What do you think?” I dunno know. Tha..that’s why I asked. I think, because Jason is so so mad, Ra’s is going to hurt me again. I deflate softly, walking slower, head down. I look at the deep green rug over the gray polished stone and for a moment I wonder why the rest of the castle is so pretty and warm but my cell is so cold. And dark. I don’t like dark. I think it’s because I’m a monster, but I don’t really understand why I can’t still have light. Even monsters can be afraid of the dark. Of worse monsters.
“Why have you decided to disturb me?”
“The girl complained of hunger.” I see Ra’s grit his teeth, his hands clench. He glares down from his throne, and I know that look. I deflate softly, head down, tired. I was just, just hungry. Now he’ll hurt me again.
Maybe Jason will be nice after. Sometimes he is, and he gives me an extra blanket when I’m hurt so bad I can’t move. Ra’s looks as if he’s going to lunge at me, cross the few feet between us and tear me limb from limb. 

I leap in the air, scrambling backward at the sound of canons or perhaps dragons I do not know- I hear Jason mutter about how, “It’s only thunder” and “You deserve what you get for that”

Ra’s smirks and stands. He grabs my wrist, and I struggle to keep pace. He’s going fast and I can’t keep up. I almost trip but he just keeps walking and it hurts my arm. I yelp softly, as the sound comes back. I look to Jason, asking for answers. Why is the sky angry, what is that noise outside, what is that? He gives me no answer, face bored. The door from the kitchen opens and my entire body shudders. This is terrifying. I don’t understand why the rain is coming down so hard, or why it’s so loud-

Ra’s steps forward dragging me with him. I shake and tense as each drop hits my skin. I whimper, looking bad at Jason to save me. To get me.

He’s gone.

I whimper, pulling away from Ra’s the smallest bit. I barely realize I dodged a blow, ducking down, when I straighten again and see the unbridled fury in his face. I…didn’t mean to.

“I’m ‘orry.” I whisper, and I yelp as there is light in the sky . My eyes are giant as I back away, towards the door. “I won’t ask again. I’m sorry .” I beg, breath hitching in my chest. I am ignored. As Ra’s pulls me over to where the horses are sometimes left a servant appears. They give Ra’s chains to tie me down with. I can’t be outside. It’s loud, and it’s dark, and- 

and-

My hands are cuffed, the other end firmly secured to an iron ring strong enough to hold a full grown horse. I whimper again, flinching at the water landing on my head and shoulders. I want to go inside-

I almost scream at the thunder. Ra’s smirks, face calming, almost relaxing at my terror.

“Next time, you will think before you dare to complain of the luxuries you have already been given.” His grip tightens on my shoulder and I stop a whimper. I struggle to hide as deep in my own mind as I can while he leans forward and hisses in my face. “You will know your place.” I nod, eyes glazed over.

“Yes sir.”
“Yes what ?” I hate this. I don’t want to say it. He waits. I give in.

“Yes Master.” He’s standing. He means it, he’s going to leave me in the rain and the water and the noise. “C-Can I go inside now?” I ask, desperate. “I wanna go inside, I’m not being bad anymore I listened-” He walks away, not seeming to hear me. “PLEASE, don’t wanna be in the rain, don’t want to be cold,” I’m cold I’m so cold. “I wasn’t so bad.” I whisper, watching the door close. 

I

I wasn’t so bad.

The light appears again and I whimper, curling up as small as I can and bringing my knees to my chest. I try not to cry before realizing I’m so soaked no one will know that I cried at all. My wrists hurt, my everything hurts.

I was only hungry.

I wait for one hour. Two. at the end of the third I can’t move. Speak. I don’t outwardly react to the flashes of lightning or the thunder anymore. I only shiver a little, curled up as much as I can. My mind keeps repeating how I failed, how I deserve to be locked outside. 

I was only hungry.  

But that’s bad. Being hungry is bad. I got locked outside because I was hungry. So I can’t be hungry anymore…or say I’m hungry. I guess. I don’t think I can stop being hungry. Fire streaks across the sky. I sob. I want Jason to come get me, for anyone to take pity on me and bring me inside.

I am soaked to the bone, my entire body shaking. My head is pounding and I can feel each individual raindrop plink and platter against my skin. I’m so exhausted I can’t move my head, can’t move at all. I barely have the energy to shiver in the torrent of rain. My hair sticks to my back, the thin shirt and pants just making it all the worse, and the wind- I groan softly, feeling the wind blow into my side and I make a small cracking noise of pain.

“Ja…Jay'' I mumble, tongue thick and words choking in my lungs. I wail begging in my own mind for someone to come get me. To care about me. Give me a blanket and hugs and put me by that pretty warm thing-I think it’s called a fire-and say I’m good. Or say they’re sorry I’m a monster. Or maybe just say I can be fixed one day.

If I can be fixed I’ll never get locked outside again. Then there’s a chance. I don’t know the word hope, but I long for it. It does finally stop raining, changing to only a drizzle. I don’t stop shaking like a leaf in the wind, whimpering softly. I’m there for three hours after it stops raining. I can’t fall asleep, can’t escape, because I’m terrified. There’s no reprieve, only fear. I slip in and out of awareness, sometimes only aware of the freezing wet clothes against my back, and sometimes able to see the waterlogged yard and cloudy sky. I don’t believe it when I see Jason, not until he’s right in front of me.

“Are you done throwing a fit?” I wanna go inside. I nod, though I didn’t hear him. Not really. “Let’s go.” He waits. I tiredly look down at the cuffs and back up at Jason. “You know how to get out of those. We went over it last week.” But Ra’s said no. So I had to wait. “Let’s go .” I slowly slowly look down. Jason huffs and shifts his weight impatiently. I try to remember how to pick the lock and I can’t….I don’t…

“You want to stay out here all night?” I shake my head, breath catching. “Then hurry up.” In 10 minutes I’ve made no progress. I’m crying softly, trying to remember. I can barely feel my hands, much less remember what I need to do to free them. Jason rolls his eyes and huffs, kneeling in front of me.

“You’re eight. You are more than old enough to get out of these.”

“trying.” I whisper back.

“And it’s not enough. You are not enough.” I look down, the last maybe dying out in my heart. I’m going to be here all night. It’s going to rain again, and I’ll be all alone. “But I’m tired of standing out here. So you can get out yourself in the next five minutes, or you can give up food for today and tomorrow.” I’m hungry . And I’m cold.

“3,” Three seconds is not long enough to decide. My eyes go wide, trying trying to think.

“2.” I squeak, trying to answer past the crushing weight in my head.

“One-”
“Help.” I answer, light dying in my eyes. I’m hungry . Jason takes the cuffs off and stands. He waits. I shakily stand and almost fall. Jason starts towards the door and huffs as he realizes I’m going to slow. My legs are shaky and it feels like they’re on fire from not moving for so long. He rolls his eyes, waiting at the door. I make it eventually, seeing black spots. I make it downstairs and Jason leaves. I whimper softly, crawling to my corner. I hide under my blanket, but it doesn’t make a difference in the cold of the cell. Everything slowly fades into black and I know something is wrong. Something is always wrong with me.

I wake up mid silent scream, back against a different wall, panting. Cat is gone, and I thought I heard thunder and I-

I-

It was a scary dream. Oh. Oh. I whimper softly, longing for the blanket I had in my dream. I’d go in the rain again for a blanket. No I wouldn’t…maybe I would. I move back to my corner once my body starts working again, shaking from cold that isn’t there. That day was bad . Ra’s didn’t leave me outside anymore after that…which was good.

I don’t like rain. Rain is scary.

I wait for Jason, for food, rubbing my eyes slightly. It’s not so dark…only a little. There’s flickering light from the hall. I wish I could sit by the door and look at it. The candles are pretty. But Jason gets mad when I sit up there. I think it’s cause that little girl saw me one time. I dunno know though. Cat is gone and I dunno know where. I miss Cat. Scary dreams go away whenever I have Cat.

I finally hear footsteps in the hall and try to smother any excitement about food . Jason shows up, looking frustrated. Oh. Okay, I can manage it. I’ll figure out how to make him not mad. I wait for him to tell me what to do.

“You’re going after the princess.” I…do not understand. “It takes three weeks to get there. Three to get back.” Okay… “You’ll be going alone.” I don’t get it. “Come on.” I stand, and follow him silently ignoring the spots spinning at the corner of my vision. I’m good at ignoring them! “You will be back in seven weeks. Max. Or else we don’t want you back.” Oh. But Jason always said I’m too awful for anyone else in the entire world to look at me, much less take care of me. We’re in the armory room and he hands me a bag. “This has essentials for the first three weeks. Your priority is Eve.” Okey-dokey. “And you’re on your own getting back. Find your own food then.” The bag has food in it? 

“It also has a map. You follow the roads, they’re marked.” Jason’s staring at the weapons and he seems…angry. I don’t know what I did wrong. “If you screw this up Ra’s will find out and we will both be punished.” He mutters under his breath about not getting sent back somewhere. I don’t ask. Not that I could, but I don’t ask.

“Questions?” I pause. I have…a lot of questions. He sighs. “There’s a picture of the girl you need to take-she’ll come willingly, she's been kidnapped-and you have to fight the Dark Lord. Under no circumstances do you kill him.” I am almost never allowed to kill, unless Ra’s is watching. But even then, he only allows certain deaths. “People hate you. They will try to kill you. You don’t interact with anyone if you can help it. Don’t let anyone know you exist if you can.” I’m good at that. “You send a letter once you’ve got the girl.” I nod. 

“If you mess this up,” Jason says coldly. “I’ll gladly kill you myself.” oh. I’ve been on a few missions before. I went with someone though…I don’t know how maps work. I don’t think I’m supposed to ask anymore questions.

“You apparently are going out without armor for some idiotic reason ,” Jason hisses. “But you’re taking 4 knives. A sword.” I’m very good at swords. I beat a lot of people with swords. And knives are good. “You’re leaving. Now.”

What about Cat? I wanna say goodbye to Cat. He won’t know I had to leave! He’ll think I left him all alone! I’d never do that!

“Why would you possibly want to stay?” I know I can’t tell him about Cat. I sniff quietly, trying to scrub away my tears. Jason grits his teeth and awkwardly gets on my eye level. “Alright listen. This is important. If you mess it up we will both probably die.” I look up, waiting for him to hurt me like last time. “But you’ll figure it out.” Jason mutters, attempting to be comforting. I don’t understand that’s his goal and just sort of stand there. He groans. “You have to go see Ra’s and if you’re crying we get killed a lot faster.” I’m not crying anymore. Only a little bit. “Listen Monster, you’ll do better out there anyway. No one hitting you or taking away your food.” But you’re the one who does all that stuff…well a lotta people hit me, but Jason’s the one who takes away my food. He groans. “Look, if I give you a hug will you stop crying?” I beam at him.

Hug

“Fine.” He mutters, eyes rolling. I get a hug for three whole seconds, and when Jason pulls away almost immediately it’s okay, it’s okay because I gotta hug. I was good.

I bet, if I get the princess back, if I can get more hugs. I bet, if I come back with the princess Jason will give me a hug for 10 seconds.

“No. More. Crying.” I nod, trying to be perfect perfect perfect. I got a hug. Jason gave me a hug. “Let’s go.” He mutters, eyes rolling. Hug. I was good enough for a hug. I can’t stop smiling as I follow Jason, eyes bright. 

I gotta a hug

I don’t really hear Ra’s threats, how I’ll be brutally killed if I fail. I got a hug . I only come back to reality when I’m following Jason to the servants door. To outside. I haven’t been outside in forever.

I blink at the life everywhere. The trees, and the grass, and the clouds and birds. They’re so pretty.

“Make camp at sunset. Never ever go deeper down a path at night unless you want to risk drawing…unwanted attention.” I nod at Jason’s words. “Don’t die.” And I’m outside. Alone. It’s morning apparently, the sun is rising. I haven’t seen the sun in forever. I stand in the grass, feeling the air against my skin. It’s kinda chilly, but I have longsleeve shirt and pants and boots. And weird hands things that are funny. I think they’re called mittens. I like them, they’re green! I like my pretty green fuzzy hands. I start walking, and remember the map. I sit down in the grass and open up my bag. There

Is

A 

Blanket.

I get a blanket. I get a blanket and a hug today. I kick the ground happily, opening up everything in my bag. I have a tonna food, and extra clothes, AND a map and a lantern. I don’t know howta use a lantern but it looks pretty. I open the map and tilt my head at it. Uh…

Hm…

I think it starts here…so I gotta go that way. I think. I bite my lip. I don’t understand maps. I tilt my head. Then the map. And somehow I end up on my back staring up at the map held up to the sky. Hmmmmmm…Imma just start walking and hope I go the right way! There can’t be that many roads right? I stand up and head off, white and black hair annoyingly swishing in front of my face as I wander around. I find the road and walk to the side, scaling a tree. I squeak happily, standing up SO SO HIGH. I run and l e a p to the next tree. I beam, landing like a squirrel. This is going to be fun!

Chapter Text

“What are you drawing, little secretary?”
“Crows.”
“Oh that’s a very good choice.”
“Why thank you.” Dad ruffles my hair from their spot in the chair behind me. Eve is still in her room, I think they’re awake though. Sure enough soon it comes out-ha comes out-of the secret bookshelf room and starts pacing down one aisle of books.

Dad watches, and goes back to reading but I know they’re still paying attention to Eve. Eve ends up staring ahead before tiredly rubbing her eyes and sitting down, seemingly giving up on…whatever it was doing. Dad waits one minute, two and then stands and walks over to sit down next to Eve.

“Wanna talk about it?”
“Can’t sleep.”
“Is there anything we can do to help you sleep?” Eve hesitates, then shakes their head. “Are you sure?”
“It’s really really stupid.”

“I highly doubt that Eve.” It shrugs, looking down.

“I had to leave my cat.” She whispers. Oh that’s not stupid. I would be so sad if someone took Tracy away, or if I had to leave them. “I miss Gerard.”
“That is not stupid at all Eve.” It shrugs. “Is there anything else you’re missing?”
“Not really.” Eve admits. “I didn’t get to have stuff. I had a blanket but I know Uncle already burned it.”
“I’m sorry about that Eve. No one should ever take things that matter to you,” Dad looks at Eve seriously. “Much less destroy them.” When it shrugs I’m a 100% sure Dad is gonna make sure no one takes Eve’s stuff EVER.

“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter that much.”
“It does.” Dad says simply. “Is there anything else?” Eve leans against his shoulder and pauses to do the three taps.

“I forgot.” She admits quietly.

“You’re more than fine.” Dad answers, putting one arm around it. Eve is half asleep, which I think is why they let him. “What else bug?”
“I had a book. Well I had a lotta books but Uncle found them all and burned them right before I left. You have all of them though.” So anti-Ra’s books. “But I had a story book. It was about dragons.”
“Do you like dragons?”
“I had a dragon. Uncle made me get rid of her.” Dad hugs them a little tighter.

“I’m going to read to Eevee, if you want to join us?” Eve loves when Dad reads. We didn’t always read before bed but now we do cause Eve gets so excited. It pretends to not be excited but they are.

“Okay.” I don’t think Eve knows Dad is gonna try to get her stuff back, and Dad isn’t good at talking to people…I smile. Well I’m not gonna explain it!

Dad reads another fairy tale and then talks about why consent is important and all the other stuff that isn’t okay in the story. Dad does that even more now that Eve is here, and I think it’s cause Eve doesn’t know what bound-a-ries are. Dad is very good at listening to boundaries. Ra’s isn’t.

Dad sent a letter via Tracy right before starting to read and I hope that means Selina is gonna come. I don’t think Eve has even MET Selina!

“Bed time little crow.”
“Noooooooo.” I whine.

“Yessssssssss.”
“You’re a vampire not a snake.” I argue, arms crossed. “You should get Eve to go to bed, they haven’t slept in forever.”
“Eve is asleep Eevee.” I look over and Eve is very asleep curled up on the ground with a book she stopped reading forever ago. “So your turn.”
“Hey Eevee.”
“Daytime Dad!” I cheer quietly, and run over. I stop to tap Kon three times and when he laughs I tackle him in a hug. “YOU’VE BEEN GONE FOREVER.”
“Just two days.”
“THAT’S FOREVER.” 

“Well I’m very sorry, and I’m back.”
“Good.” I answer, arms crossed. “Guess what? I MADE COOKIES!”
“You love cookies!”
“Yeah!”

“Hey Tim…why are you holding a child?”
“Hi Kon. Cause it fell asleep.” Dad says, like it’s obvious.
“...Tim why do you have another kid?”
“That’s Eve!” I answer while Tim goes to put Eve in her room. Eve is very asleep and I’m pretty sure they’re threatening arson. “Ra’s tortured it like A Lot, and they ran away! Then she met Tracy and me and Dad, and Dad adopted her though he won’t say it yet. Eve likes crows, and it has a cat, AND they like stories.” Tim comes back from the secret cool room and waves awkwardly to Kon.

“How did you even find another child traumatized by Ra’s?”
“I don’t really find them…they find me…” I beam.

“Eve is really gonna like you Daytime Dad, cause Eve likes anyone who doesn’t kill her!”

“Eve doesn’t die. Well she does but it comes back.”
“Can I have the full story?” I beam and skip off.

“Have fun talking Dads!” One day I’ll trick them into getting married. For now, I’m just gonna go to bed. I run back. “I FORGOT HUGS.” They both fight back a laugh. I give Daytime Dad another giant hug and since Dad said it was okay I give them a giant hug too.
“Night little secretary.”
“Good night Eevee.”

“Good night! I promise not to set anything on fire!” I assure them as I skip down the hallway. Dad is totally gonna get Eve’s cat back.
“Please save the arson for tomorrow!” Daytime Dad agrees while Tim smiles.

Chapter Text

I wake up to Eevee staring right in my face. It is only by sheer luck that I don’t accidentally hit her.

“FINALLY.” Eevee complains. “You were asleep forever.”

“Why are you staring at me?”
“Because whenever you’re asleep you’re boring but whenever you’re awake you’re really fun! And I wanna hang out with you!” 8t takes me a moment to gather my words to explain why she can never ever do that again.

“Can you wait outside next time?”
“Yep!” Eevee pokes my forehead after a minute. I open my eyes again. I just woke up and I'm already tired. “Eve, you’re awake now. So you gotta eat.”
“You want to show me something in the kitchen.”
“...maybe.” I smile. “No, definitely not. Nothing’s in the kitchen. Nope.”

“Is there food in the kitchen?”
“Well yeah there’s food-Just hurry up Eve you’re taking forever!” I let her drag me out, not bothering to look even semi-alive. “Dad dad dad, Eve’s awake!”
“Did you wake up Eve?”
“Nope!”
“Did you stare at Eve until they woke up?”
“Yep!” Tim sighs softly.
“Eevee.”
“Yeah?”
“Remember how we said you can’t do that?”
“Yes, because it’s ‘a little creepy’ and ‘rather terrifying.’ Oh.” She looks at me. “Oops.” I shrug.

“It’s okay.” And it is okay, because now she’ll stop. These people and their bound-a-ries are weird.

“NOW NOW NOW CAN EVE-” Eevee seems to remember that she’s meant to be surprising me. “Can Eve go eat breakfast?” Eevee asks innocently. 

“Yes Eve can eat if they’re ready.” I nod, smiling a little at how excited Eevee is. She drags me in and-

Gerard.

Gerard oh my gosh it’s Gerard. I kneel down, fully focused on him. Gerard . I beam at him while he excitedly sits in my lap. I spend a full two minutes petting and hugging him, quietly whispering in the Al Ghul dialect, face buried in his fur. 

I thought he was gone . That Uncle was going to-

I hug Gerard tighter. 

“I won’t leave again.” I whisper quietly. “I promise.”

“I knew she would be excited!” Eevee says clearly trying to be quiet. I forgot that other people were here, I forgot that others would hurt me if I showed weakness- Tim hands me a book and I try not to beam. It’s my book. I love this book. It’s where I got the name for Luna! From one of the dragon species in the book, it’s the most complete volume I could find-

“We couldn’t find anything else.” Tim admits. “I’m sorry.”
“We? I’m pretty sure I’m the one who broke in.” Someone-I don’t know who she is-jokes. “Selina.” She offers.
“My mom.” Tim answers with a small smile. “She needed to scout the castle anyway…and I figured…” They get control of their awkwardness and finish firmly. “You deserve to have your stuff Eve.”
“You have good taste in cats.” Selina says calmly, moving the subject along. She sits down a bit away, and pets Gerard. “He seemed more than happy to come.” I nod quietly.

“Gerard is a good cat.” I whisper cautiously.

“Yes he is.”
“Thank you.”
“I was more than happy to get him.”
“What do you want for breakfast Eve?” Tim asks, drinking coffee. I haven’t had coffee but Tim drinks it a lot.
“Whatever you want to make.” I answer immediately. I shrug, looking down to pet Gerard some more. Eevee sits next to me, clearly wanting to pet Gerard but trying not to. “You can hold him, if he lets you.” Gerard does not let her, but he does let her pet him. 

“Here ya go Eve.” Tim says, handing me a plate. “Can I go talk to Mom for a minute?” I look up, confused as to why he’s asking.

“Uh huh.”
“Thanks bug.” They ruffle my hair, clearly mentally preoccupied. I wrinkle my nose at the name trying to figure out what it means, as the two of them walk away. Maybe he meant he can kill me like a bug? I eat food with Gerard comfortably curled up in my lap. As soon as I’m done Eevee takes my plate and puts it away.
“Can we show Gerard the library?” She asks excitedly. I nod, still holding onto Gerard as I stand. Everything in me is saying mine because I lost him and he’s back and he is mine. We go to the library and Eevee colors while Gerard moves between the two of us. I half believe he speaks with Tracy but I do not know. Gerard is beyond our understanding as simple mortals, but such is the nature of cats.

“Tim?” I whisper quietly, holding Gerard. They look up.

“Yeah Eve?”
“I…Uh…” I shrug. “Thank you.”
“No problem Eve.” We wait in awkward silence.

“What does abuse mean?” I whisper. “You…you said that Ra’s abused me. I don’t know what that means.” Tim carefully thinks over their next words. I sit down on the ground, Gerard wandering around, staying within sight, footsteps thudding gently on the library floor.

“It means…to treat someone with cruelty. Or violently. In this case both. For a long time.”
“Oh. Does…does it count if you deserve it?”
“You didn’t deserve what happened to you, Eve.”
“You don’t know what happened to me.”
“I don’t. But I know how Ra’s thinks. Acts.” I almost ask what Uncle did to Tim then. I almost ask if they understand because he sounds like he does. “I know how he treats kids.”
“W-What if I tell you?” I whisper, looking down at my lap. “Just some of what he did. Then you’ll know what I did was wrong. I deserved it.”
“There’s nothing you could’ve done to deserve being killed Eve. But yes, if that helps you believe it you can tell me. And I’ll tell you exactly how wrong it was.”

“Does it matter what story I tell you?”
“No.” I debate for a minute or two. I almost tell him about the girl in the dungeons, but she never deserved what happened to her. “One day I fell asleep in the library. I wasn’t meant to be in there, Uncle banned it from me. I was found. Uncle did not bother to hear my case- though I did not have a strong one anyway- and simply locked me in an empty room. I was there for 3 months. I had no food, nor water. The room was entirely empty.” I shrug, petting Gerard’s head. “I kept starving and coming back. For a long, long time. I just woke up in my cell one day and that was that.”
“How in the world is that your fault Eve?” I look up at him like they’re clueless. 

“I fell asleep in the library. If I hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”
“Falling asleep could never earn that. Nothing could’ve made starving you for months on end acceptable.” They whisper the next part. “Eve did you even see anymore for three months?”

“I…I had Gerard.” I whisper, voice cracking. “I was fine.” I finish, voice calm. “It was fine, I got food and stuff after.”
“Eve…that’s horrific. No one, much less a child , should go through that. That’s wrong. There is nothing you could’ve done to deserve that.”

“But I fell asleep.” I answer, confusion leaking into my voice.
“What if Eevee broke a rule? Would it be okay for me to hurt her?”
“No, but she’s a kid.”
“ You’re a kid .”
“No, I’m 14.” I answer, eyebrows scrunching together. “You stop being a kid when you’re 11.” Tim sort of looks at me for a second.
“Did Ra’s say that?”
“...yeah.”
“You’re an adult whenever you turn 18, bug. You’re a kid. 18 is pretty much a kid anyway, but you’re definitely a kid.” But…but Uncle didn’t hurt me until I was 11. Not much. He didn’t kill me until I was an adult, and that was why it was fine. Because if I was an adult it was my own job to manage my actions and I got punished just like any other adult. Just like everyone else.

If I was a kid…

Then my reasons are gone. Sure, I did mess up by falling asleep but my main reason was always that I was old enough to be hurt. That I had used all my time to learn and grow, and that by failing I was pathetic and deserved my pain.

“I still messed up.” I mumble back, looking down. Gerard walks over to Tim- come back please -and headbutts them, meowing. “I still…it was still my fault.” I look up at Tim whenever they tap my arm three times.

“Eve can I give you a hug? It’s okay if not.” I nod. I don’t move at the hug, simply sitting straight and rigidly. “I’m gonna say it one more time-that was not your fault. But it’s a lot to think about, right?” I nod. “And I know you’re pretty tired.”
“Uh huh.”
“So we’re gonna stop talking if that’s okay.”
“I wanna be done.”
“You have Gerard. Can you hear Gerard right next to you?”
“Uh huh.”
“Can you feel Gerard’s fur?” I nod, petting Gerard feeling as if I barely have control over my hand. “That’s good. Can you see him? He looks pretty happy to be with you.”
“I missed him.” The words sound slightly slurred as I lean into Tim’s chest the smallest bit. “You won’t let Uncle take him?”
“No one will take you or Gerard. Especially Ra’s. Deep breath Eve.” I do, and I notice that I started mimicking Tim’s deep and even breathing awhile ago. “You okay?”
“Was I doing bad?”
“You were a little scared. Not bad.” Tim rewords. “And that’s okay. You’re not going to get in trouble for that.”
“Okay.”
“You ready to go to bed?”
“Uh huh.”

“Night Eve.” I go to my room that’s only a little bit away and Gerard follows. I like being able to keep my (secret) door closed and have a lock on the inside. I curl up on the bed and Gerard follows but doesn’t stop meowing until I get under blankets. He meows contentedly and sets up to guard me, sitting right in front of my face. I put one arm over him and he meows in a clear ‘go to sleep’ voice. Instead I grab my book and ignore his indignation. I smile a little though.

"Alright alright I'll go to bed." Gerard huffs softly. "Night 'rard."

Chapter Text

There are two roads in front of me. I don't know which is the right one and the map doesn't show me either. I don't think so…

Well it must. 

I don't know how it does though. I sit in the tree, leaning backwards as I tilt the map again. 

Ribbit

Oohhhh what type of animal is that? I look around, entirely forgetting the map and my current problems. 

Ribbit

It's a little green thing! I love him. When he hops I squeak out happily, chasing after him. He pauses and I pause too. 

Ribbit

Awwww I love him so so much. I have have have to hold him. But gentle! I don't wanna hurt him. I carefully hold out my hand and he happily jumps on it. I tap the top of his head and he licks my finger. I sit on the ground happily bopping his head again and again. I squeak every time he ribbits, beaming at him. 

It is very important to name things when you love them. I named my cat Cat because he's a cat. But I dunno know what type of animal he is…

I don't know a lotta names either.

Hmmmm. 

Ribbit!

Arnold. Yeah Arnold is a good name. I pat Arnold on the head gently again and he licks my finger. I let out a mostly silent squeak happily. Good Arnold. I look up as the trees rustle seeming to remind me of the passing time and the sun high in the sky. I already ate a whole buncha food so I'm not hungry at all! I don't know what Arnold can eat though… I hope he's not hungry. I realize I got to keep going and I probably shouldn’t take Arnold away from his home. Oh. I set him down, tears pricking my eyes.

He ribbits again, moving towards me gently. I shake my head. I gotta go. This is Arnold’s home, he’s gotta stay. I set my bag down, going to find the map that I left…somewhere. I finally find it flying far away and leap up from branch to branch finally grabbing it. It’s only a little torn in the corner. 

I go back to my bag and Arnold is gone. Oh. I thought I could wave goodbye. I sigh softly, standing, bag on my back, and go back to the crossroads. If the Dark Lord is where I need to go, then less people probably go that way. Because they’re evil and all. So if I go the road less traveled I should get somewhere good. I stretch out softly, and head down that way, feet thudding on the ground softly. I like the noises the woods make. The birds talking to one another, the rustling of leaves as they guide the smaller creatures through their maze, the ever growing thunder of plants and trees roaring to life and growing. I missed the sound of life, of the grass listening and breathing beneath my feet. The sound of strength in the roots of the trees and plants.

The sounding of the world breathing, of life ebbing and flowing, of beings great and small just existing .

It is a unique kind of presence to hold in a forest.
I continue down the roads less traveled again and again, finally noticing as the sun sets. I remember what Jason said-about how not to travel at night-so I climb up and up and u p a tree. I love the feeling of my weight pulling the branch down ever so slightly, and the reach for the next limb. I get to the tippy tippy top and look all around. I beam up at the moon and wave at her, excited to be out of the dark once again. I don’t see her darken. I go down a few more branches to be totally totally sure that I won’t fall. It’s kinda prickly and pokey but that’s okay! I have a blanket. I carefully take it out, wrapping it over my shoulders. I kick excitedly, beaming at the warmth. The wind is freezing and the tree shakes slightly, but I have my blanket and I will be alright. I open up my bag again, putting the map in-it’s useless but it has pretty pictures!-and look for food. 

Ribbit.

ARNOLD? I hold him, worried worried worried about him. He was in my bag ALL DAY! What was he doing in there! He was going to get hurt! He seems dry…and he was kinda wet before…I immediately put water on him and he looks a bit better. I dump all of my water on him and he looks okay again. I give Arnold a stern look. He licks my finger. I try not to smile. I give him another look, climb down the tree one handed-even though my shoulder hurts from yesterday-and set him down. I go back up and wait for him to disappear. He doesn’t instead ribbiting now and then to remind me he’s there. I smile, kicking my legs a little before remembering I want him to go away. I pull my blanket tight around me again, and go to sleep for a few hours. The next day Arnold is still there and this time I gently carry him around, in my hand or in a water container filled with water I found in a pond thingy. I listen to his ribbits join in the wonderful mess of noise and life as I continue to take turns down the roads less used again and again, entirely ignoring my map.

Chapter Text

There’s so many people . I stare at the mini-castles, they might be called houses, and all the people everywhere. There’s way more than 50! I can’t count higher than 50…but I know there’s a whole lot more. Maybe 3 sets of 50, maybe more. I lean forward slightly in my tree branch, looking at the sun that’s been up in the sky for an hour or two. I have time. I have time to look at all the people a little longer. They’re all talking, and being loud as if they don’t need to fear their own voices. I don’t understand it, but I love it.

“What are you doin’ up in a tree?” I look down at the…child? There are other…children here? “Oohhhh your hair is pretty!” I don’t know that word. My hair is half black-half whiteish silver, split right down the middle. I’m bad at making it stay away from my face though. I wave a little, hiding back against the tree. They are young…and unscarred. Why are they speaking to me? Do they not know I’m a monster? I could hurt them. They tilt their head to look at me.

“My names Alex! I’m nine whole years old!” They are very small. I smile a little, leaning forward to look at them a bit easier. “You have a frog!” I tilt my head, not understanding. 

Ribbit!

Alex bursts out laughing, the sound happy and twinkling in the air. I am very very glad no one has ever hurt Alex.
“That’s a frog!” Arnold is a frog? I like that word. I mouth it, legs swinging off the branch. Fr-o-g. I make my happy squeaking noise again, the one that cuts off halfway. “Can you talk?” I flush in shame. “That’s okay! I’m bad at some stuff too. Like reading. Reading is the worst.” I can’t read either…Jason said I was unfathomably stupid for not knowing how to read…Jason said a lot of things because I couldn’t read. I like stories though. I’ve only heard five stories but I love them.

“Can I hold your frog?” I come down in seconds and carefully give Arnold to the little kid. Alex is careful with him, and we sit down on the ground. Arnold hops between us and Alex tells me all about frogs. I listen, ruffling their hair now and then as they talk.

“And there’s so many types of frogs! Different types are called species! I know the names of a bajillion species, I have a whole book on them.” I smile encouragingly as they cautiously say, “Could I tell you some?” They beam and stand saying a lot of words I do not understand.

But I understand Alex’s smile.

I love to make people smile.

“Alex what are you doing?” I blink up at the yelling woman and retreat into myself a bit. Alex looks confused.

“Mum, this is Frog Girl! She has a pet frog-”
“Oh I’m aware of who it is. Monster .” She spits at me, grabbing Alex. I growl softly at how tightly she has grabbed his arm. She instinctively loosens her grip on their arm.

“Mum she isn’t-”
“You touch a single kid in this or any other village and we’ll happily burn you alive.” She hurls the words at me, like steaming coals onto my skin. I do not think she understands that I have grown callous to simple words. I gently pick up Arnold and stand, checking that I have everything.

“MUM SHE DIDN’T HURT ME!”
“Hush Alex.” I wave goodbye, pulling my hood up and glaring at the woman when her grip tightens on Alex again. I wait for her to let them go. She doesn’t. I narrow my eyes, breathing slowly. The very air seems to still, every little noise silencing in the woods around us. The village-that is what she called it I believe-is loud as ever. The woman-Mum I think her name might be-backs up with Alex in fear. I am a monster.

But I do not harm children.

“Don’t come back here.” She spits out, all but running with Alex trailing behind sadly. They wave goodbye. I smile and wave back, then turn to hide in the woods once again. I like children…adults not as much. The woods are better. Safer.

Quieter.

Ribbit!
But very full of life. I smile at Arnold, who is a frog, and start down the lonely path once again.

Chapter Text

I hop after Arnold, up and down up and down, doing my best to imitate his noises. It’s fun and I don’t go too much slower! I won’t be late and then Jason won’t need to hate me! I may not understand the map but I am very very fast. I notice the footsteps and horse steps growing in numbers and get worried…I’m meant to be going the quiet way, not the loud way. But it was quiet before and it got loud and full of ghosts of people all of a sudden. I know the castle is right behind me because I can see the towers very far away, but I know this is the right way. I keep hopping after Arnold, trying not to notice all the wrongness.

The trees that are coated in ash.

The silence even though it is dawn

The absence of little noises from the bugs.

I finally get to the beginning of where they set the trees aflame and feel my eyes well up in tears. They leak out of my eyes, leaving angry lines down my face matching the ones in the earth. Ra’s did this. Of course he did.

But why ? Who was he hunting?

The girl I’m after most likely. The princess. So this is her fault. I stop moving shaking my head violently trying to get bad thoughts out out out. No. No, it isn’t her fault, not if she didn’t ask for all this to happen. Ra’s did. Ra’s wanted the forest to burn beneath his feet, to send a message. The message was to her kidnappers. Not her. Because she didn’t leave on her own. I ignore that Ra’s is obviously lying, that she could’ve fought off whoever tried to take her. She didn’t want to stay. No one really does, not in the castle. 

But I still have to find her. Bring her back.

It’s safer in the castle, safer than the rest of the world. I try to ignore the creeping wrongness making its way from my back to my neck. I scoop Arnold up, hiding him again. He doesn’t need to see the death. The nothingness.

No one should have to see such things. For it is not the nothingness that is horrific, it is the absence of life. Life was meant to be here, but was ripped away on the whim of a man who knows not the consequences of his actions. Maybe Ra’s does know. Maybe he does know what he’s done. But he does not care.

I had just managed to stop the tears streaming down my face when I see a fresh horror. I knew it was coming.

I did not want it to. I stare at the charred corpse of the deer and exhale softly. I kneel next to the body. Sit down. Knees to my chest. Arms around them. I stare at the poor lifeless thing. I wish I could make them better. I wish I could make this all better. I am not aware of the grass rising up softly around what is left of the deer. I am not aware of the silent healing happening around me. The trees, their roots growing deeper, and their leaves beginning to bud. The flowers standing up again bit by bit. The mushroom’s outer skin which had been charred and broken away healing. The change will not be immediate.

The change will take years. But the healing will happen.

But I am unaware of the growth happening around me, instead focused on the decay and the loss. I grieve for all the spirits and all the kindness and all the chaos and all the life that has been taken from this forest.

It will only grow worse.

I softly sign my goodbyes, not aware of the poppies spreading around the deer’s head where only bloodied earth was left before. I continue forward, eyes quiet and dark, ignorant to the growth behind me and only seeing the death ahead. 

We’re outside. We never go outside! I chase after Jason, trying not to get distracted by the mushrooms and bushes and the leaves.

I LOVE LEAVES!

“Keep up Monster.” Jason walks too fast, he’s taller than me. Most people are taller than me.
“Yes sir!” I finally reach him, and half skip-half run to keep my place at his side. There are so many little alive things everywhere.

I loves them all.

“Jason?”
“What?”
“What’s that one called?”
“You know better than to ask questions.” I flinch waiting for him to reach forward. Or worse, reach for the whip on his hip. “But it’s a tree.” I beam.

“I know itsa tree. But what type of tree?”
“Who told you there were different type of trees?”
“Nobody. It’s just kinda ‘bvious.”
“How is it obvious?” Jason asks, pulling a branch out of the way so he can get through easier. I smile even bigger when he holds it for an extra second so I can go through too. I have been hit in the face with a lot of branches today.

“Because the whispers.” I answer, shrugging. “And the bark is different. The leaves. The length of the branches.”
“Since when do you know all the words?” I shrug, reaching up up up to grab a weird circle red thing.

“I always have.”
“So what’s this?” Jason asks, grabbing the thing from the branch and offering it to me. I shrug.

“Dunno know.” I admit softly, looking down.
“It’s an apple. You gonna take it or no?” I take it, turning it over in my hand again and again.
“This part is the stem.” I say, pointing to the brown stick. “And there are leaves coming off it. And seeds inside, right?”
“Yes that’s all correct.”
“So it’s like a pinecone? A seed carrier to make a new tree?” Jason just stops and looks at me for awhile.

“Yeah. But you can’t eat pinecones.” We keep walking in silence. I like this apple thing. It’s firm on the outside with only a few bumps and some dirt. I polish it on my shirt, smiling at it. I know I should leave it on the ground to be a new tree but…but I love the apple. There were a lot of other apples on the tree and on the trees around me.

I think it’ll be okay, just this once, to take it back to my cell.
“Get down.” In less than a second I’m on the ground. Jason is a few feet to my side. “You see that?” His voice is barely above a whisper. I see a big pretty brown and white thing wandering around eating the grass. “That’s a deer. Your job,” Jason says, pointing at me. “Is to bring it to me.” I nod. I move forward, not making a single noise as I slink toward the deer. It doesn’t notice me, head down. I wait in the tall grass stuff, a foot away from the deer. 

I like that word, deer. D-ee-r. It’s a very good word.

It looks at me, frozen. I smile.

“Hello.” It doesn’t move. I stand up so slow . I offer the apple in my hand. Jason said that you can’t eat pinecones but that implied - I learned that word last week and I love it- that apples can be eaten. The deer moves forward and bites it softly. I guide it over to Jason and beam at him.

“There ya go sir!” Jason nods, leaning against a tree. I can see the annoyance though.
“Finish the job.” I tilt my head. I bring the deer a little closer, petting it now that the apple is gone. The core remains, but I left it on the ground a few paces back. The deer puts it’s head by Jason’s hand, wanting to be pet. Jason rolls his eyes at me.

“That’s not what I meant.” Jason takes a knife out of his belt. He offers it to me. I wish he was offering me an apple instead. I like those more than knives. “Kill it.” 

“But the deer didn’t do anything wrong-”
“What are you?”
“A monster.”
“What do monsters do?”
“They get killed. They get hurt. They fail.”
“And what happens when a monster fails?”
“They die.”
“Or?”
“Or they get hurt.” I look down at the ground. “I’m lucky you only hurt me.”
“For now.”
“For now.” I finish, quietly.
“If you don’t want to fail, then you do what Ra’s says. What I say. And what did I say to do?”
“Kill the deer.”
“So what are you going to do?” I look at the beautiful big deer, which has never done anything bad that I know about. That trusteded me. That was nice. That ate the apple and asked Jason to pet it.

I don’t want to scare it, much less hurt..or…or kill the deer.

“ So what are you going to do?” I look up at Jason.

The deer’s blood stains the white flowers around us. The deer's corpse is left on the ground. The deer’s scared loud grunts of fear ring through the air. Jason walks away, his whip dripping in blood.

“You’ll make your own way home. If you aren’t back in an hour I’ll double the normal punishment.”
He never said he’d kill the deer if I didn’t. I stand there, eyes vacant, staring at a corpse. I don’t like corpses. They’re dangerous. They’re full in the worst sense of the word They are filled with absence. My arm hurts. My blood mixes with the deer’s. I wait until I can no longer hear Jason, and numbly start back towards my cell. I turn to look at the clearing one final time, at the poor poor deer, at the silence of the other animals, at the moon rising up slowly but surely in the sky. I look at the long discarded apple core. I turn, leaving a trail of blood through the woods as I return to my cell.

I am not back within an hour.

Chapter Text

The stars are pretty. I like stars.

It had been a long time since I saw stars. I am not used to them yet. Arnold is very asleep and it is very adorable. I sit in the tree, looking up through the leaves that clear above me so I can see up and up and up for as long as I want. I want to count the stars but I’m not good at that. I count to 50, as high as I can go, 8 times ‘fore I get tired of counting. 

I can not sleep, but this is the time I am meant to sleep. If I can not sleep I am meant to pretend. Jason did not like it when I didn’t follow the rules.

When I lefted Jason said that I needed to ‘make camp’ at sunset. Don’t know what that means, but I think it means go to bed. And he said no walking at night. But I’m not sleepy, and I wanna move and walk and listen listen listen to the trees. I can’t though. That thought makes me sad. Jason said no. Jason would get mad.

…Jason is not here.

That is a bad thought. A thought I am not meant to have. But now that I’ve thought it I don’t know how to stop thinking it.

Jason is not here.

He will not know if I am awake or asleep, alive or dead, bad or good. He was always watching before, always close by. But now he is not. At least…I don’t think so. I shut my eyes, going still at that thought. Maybe he’s watching, just waiting for me to get up out of the tree, to break the rules.
Then I’ll get hurt again.

But what if he isn’t? He shouldn’t be. I’m on a mission, all alones. So…maybe I can go back to walking, back down the road. What if I can choose when to sleeps?

I debate moving for a long long time. I do not think Jason is here. He would’ve yelled at me by now. Or…Or taken Arnold away.

Monsters don’t get to have pets. And you’re a Monster. You can’t be trusted with anything living when all you know how to do is kill.

I tap Arnold’s head gently, a reminder he hasn’t gone away. Not all the way alone. I hope Cat is okay. I miss Cat. I hope that he has enough foods and enough hugs. 

My brain wanders back to the bad thoughts. The thoughts about moving. About breaking the rules. But I think…I think I can move. I think I should try. 

I think I’m brave enough to try. I sit up slowly. My heart hurts, moving fast fast fast. I can’t help but think of all the hearts I’ve made stop moving…maybe I should go back to ‘retending. 

Pretending I’m asleep. Pretending I’m not hurt. Pretending I’m not so scared. 

I got a blanket. I got Arnold. I got stars. I already got so much stuffs, I shouldn’t try to take anything else. 

But what if Jason isn’t here? What if I really can move, really can walk around?

I land on the ground, not making a noise, grass muffling my feet steps. I stand there, frozen, waiting for the hurt to come. 

I am there for a long time.

It does not come. I try not to smile, try not to let my hands shake in excitement. 

Can’t get in trouble, can’t get in trouble, Jason isn’t here to hurt.

I get my stuffs, and sleepin’ Arnold and start walking walking walking down the path again. I like walking at night, it feels safer than the day. Just me and the trees. Oh, and the bushes! And the grasses and the everythings. I like that I can’t get hurted. I will be good, and ‘ring the princess back. But maybe I can break a little bit of the rules till I gets her. Jason won’t know. He won’t take my food, or my blanket, and when I get back I’ll get a hug for 10 whole seconds. That’s a lotta seconds. 

I have been walking for a long long times. It’s still night though, still dark all ‘round. The stars are muffled a bit.

I think there are other things in the woods with me.

I don’t think they’re good things. I have my knife in my hand, ready to fight the things.

I don’t want to, but sometimes gotta. Jason said no killing the Dark Lord, and the princess needs to be safe, but I think I’m meant to kill things if they try to kill me.

Can’t get the princess if I’m dead. 

I should climb a tree. Out the way. Safe. No more things following me.

But I don’t want to. Jason got to trap me, tell me what to do. And Ra’s. But Ra’s told everyone what to do, and Jason is in charge of making me useful.

No one else gets to make me do stuff unless Jason says so. And Jason never said anything about bein’ scared of things in the woods, so I’m not gonna be. When I see a flickering of light catching on something I glare at it. It is frozen as it looks at me, a weird face like it’s wearing another face that don’t fit right.

I think it’s a person. ‘aybe. It’s a weirdo person.

I do not like them.

I narrow my eyes even more at the maybe-person. They tilt their head a bit. The face looks like it was sewed together by a buncha different pieces of stuff. Where the eyes are meant to be there’s some sorta glass or something. So they can see, but no one can get their eyes.

That’s smart. People need their eyes.

The face doesn’t have a mouth. That is weird. People need mouths. I think that there’s a nose under the second face…but it’s weird.

I don’t like this Thing.

They tilt their head, looking at me in a bad way. In a Ra’s way. In a Jason way. In a ‘what are you? ’ way. In a ‘ how can I use you? ’ way. I bare my teeth. They step back. I debate stepping forward.
I think they want me to leave the path.

I look at the trees, who have stopped rustling, falling silent along with the rest of the woods. Silence is bad. I would know. If this…thing makes even the trees shush then I don’t want to touch it.

I think if I leave the path…I lose.

I turn away from them and walk forward. I walk, ignoring ignoring ignoring the noises from the Thing. They want me to look at them, so I don’t. They can’t go on the path, or they’d have already. So I don’t cares what they can do or want. Eventually, they leave along with the moon and stars. I think they’re gonna be back though. 

Well, I don’t care. I’ll ignore ignore ignore them and they’ll go away again. Can’t hurt me long as I’m on the path. I stretch, liking the feeling of sun on my face. Like stars more, but sun is good too. Noises start comin’ back now that Thing is gone. Birds make noise, little squeaky things run ‘round, snakes go hissssss on the ground. I like snakes they’re silly. The little water running by the path makes splishy-splashy noises, and they make me do my half-silent squeak of happy. 

For now I am safe in the noises, on the path, in the sun.

I won’t always be safe.

For now I am. For now the Thing stays where it’s meant to, and all is right. For now I can wait out the monsters for they still disappear with the sun.

Soon they won’t.

For now they do.