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“sirius darling wake up, it’s time for morning meeting”
sirius sat up from his bed, adorned with those scratchy sheets, and glared at the nurse hovering at his door.
she was a skinny women, looking fragile enough to blow over in a gust of wind, her name was darcy or somthing. sirius didn’t particularly care to learn her name.
she smiled in that overtly sweet way of hers and sirius hated her for it.
he hated the way everyone was trying way too fucking hard to be nice.
either way, he got up begrudgingly, sliding on his socks that he had kicked off during his sleep, and pulled himself into a stand.
he didn’t bother changing from his pyjamas or looking in a mirror, he simply didn’t care enough.
the young boy pushed open his door and started making his way down the corridor. he was only 14 steps from the nurses station, and 18 from the communal area.
they always kept him close by to the nurses station, not that he was surprised.
the psych ward he was in had 12 beds. the average stay being about a week, as the ward was a crisis one.
sirius was usually here for longer but he supposed he really didn’t help himself by refusing most of his treatment.
but being a brief stay ward meant there were new people rotating through often.
14 steps later he found himself at the nurses station, peering at the large board with patients names and their assigned nurse for that shift.
sirius looked towards his name to find he had poppy, an older stricter nurse that most patients called nurse pomfrey.
Sirius didn’t care for the formalities and simply called her poppy.
she was his favourite around here.
maybe it was the way she reminded him of mrs potter, or maybe it was because she was the only one that seemed to tell the truth here.
Sirius hated how much people lied to him here, and boy would he make it known.
he sighed though when he saw there were four new admissions that night.
it wasn’t that he believed these people didn’t deserve help, it was just that, that meant he would have to hear the whole rules of the ward speech for the millionth time, and he was right sick of it.
either way, he strolled over to the lounge area and plopped himself down on a seat, next to a girl named milly, who was a little nuts sometimes, but sirius liked that about her
“oi” sirius grabbed her attention
she turned her head towards him, eye brow raised in question
“was that you bloody screaming last night? had to sleep with a pillow over my fucking head” he asked unimpressed
she let out a loud laugh, getting the attention of a nurse who sent her a glare and raised eye brow,
milly raised her hands in apology before turning back to sirius and speaking
“nope was daisy i think” she shrugged
“think they upped her feed or somthing and she tried to rip her tube out” she rolled her eyes
“oi don’t be a cunt” sirius defended the younger girl, who sat across the room pale as usual.
“HA sorry sorry, i’m just a moody bitch i didn’t mean anything bad” she punched his shoulder.
sirius grinned at her, opening his mouth to speak as the head nurse started her incessant droning.
“good morning everyone! to start off this meeting we’re going to be going around the circle and sharing our names and why we are here!”
sirius thought it was actually quite intrusive and had been outraged the first time and questioned why.
apparently it was about making others feel safe in the ward, sirius didn’t really understand why, and refused at first, until his nurse started introducing him and his reason for being here, and he figured he would rather be doing it than those lying dickheads.
he zoned out, looking out the window at the trees and birds, giggling to himself quietly when he remembered the time a kid threw a chair at the window and it bounced right back and hit him.
he was shook from his thoughts at the sound of his name.
“SIRIUS” the nurse urged.
he turned his head towards her, letting out a sigh and turning towards the rest of the group and speaking,
“ok bethany chill the fuck out. hi im sirius and im here because i tried to kill myself.” he looks around at that, seeing the slightly mortified faces of the new kids, he doesn’t really know why, most people here are some kind of suicidal, but he doesn’t really mind
“we could do without the swearing but thankyou sirius.” the nurse announces.
sirius grins at her before zoning out again for the rest of the meeting.
he wonders who’s visiting him today, mrs potter had promised him someone would visit every day, and in the past nine days he had infact seen someone everyday.
well, it was usually two people, considering remus came every day, whether it was his day or not.
sirius hears the meeting come to an end and he jumps up out of his seat, a spring in his step as he goes off to find his nurse.
“poppyyyyy” he whines at the window to the nurses station, banging his forehead a couple times against it as to gain someone’s attention
a doctor in an outrageous amount of pink, (it’s so bright he can feel it giving him a migraine) that he had never seen before moves to stand in front of him, sending him a look that makes him feel immediately uneasy.
“mr black” sirius jolts at that.
nobody has called him that in months.
everyone knows what happend last time someone slipped up.
he was told they removed it from his charts after that.
stupid fucking liars, he was going to scream his head off about this later. maybe once it didn’t make him feel like a bowl of jelly
“nurse pomfrey is too busy for your attention seeking right now” she scolded
oh.
“s-sorry i just was um w-wondering if um she knew w-when my visitors were coming” he stuttered out, suddenly unable to make eye contact.
“well you see mr black,”
sirius shrunk into himself further.
“i read a report from an incident yesterday, and i am unsure if it is suitable for you to have visitors right now” she paused with a smug smile,
“infact, i have already called and they seemed to agree it was best they stay away for a few days” the doctor finished
sirius’ head was spinning.
he searched his mind for whatever incident happend yesterday but all that he could think of was the fact that no one wanted to see him. she promised they would be here, and now they had agreed not to come for a few days?
maybe they had realised how much work he was. he hates himself for being the way he is, so much he wants to scream and shout and sometimes it makes him want to die. but the potters had always told him that it wasn’t his fault. that they would never give up on him.
and remus
oh remus
did he not want him anymore?
maybe he thought he was too much work as well. he had seemed happy to see sirius yesterday but maybe it was all an act.
oh no oh no oh no
“mr black is that all you need?” the doctor asks, seemingly innocently, which snaps him out of his head
he nods numbly, hands going up to scratch at his arms as he walks back to his room
sirius thinks he may hear someone call out his name but ignores it in favour of counting his steps again
eleven
twelve
thirteen
fourteen.
he pulls his door open once again, to be met with his mattress laying on the floor with his one hospital blanket, his bed taken.
he thinks it’s because of the incident the doctor had mentioned, but he doesn’t think too long about it.
his hands find his arms as he resumes his scratching, they’re itchy, so, so itchy and he just needs to scratch them and scratch them until he feels like he can breath again
remus often makes faces when he catches him scratching, telling him not to irritate his scars and holding his hands in his.
but remus doesn’t want him anymore, he reminds himself.
nobody does.
not even his little brother
maybe he should just kill himself.
sirius thinks that maybe they could never really get over the whole ‘being a black’ thing
but maybe that was only a stepping stone that lead to them abandoning him, that he’s just too fucked up in the head. because they still loved regulus, and he was a black.
that doctor had confirmed that people still thought of him as one, no matter what they told him
at this point he realises his hands feel wet. confused, he looks down towards his arms to see them drowned in deep, deep, red blood.
he stares at the way it drips down his arms onto the mattress, entranced by how human it is
sometimes he doesn’t feel human.
sometimes he feels as though everything human about him left the night he stood up to his parents.
the night the potters took him to the hospital when he had managed to escape to a near by park and call james.
it was the first time they had brought him into the hospital, but it certainly wasn’t the last.
maybe they would never do that again, he realises
maybe they will send him back there
oh no oh no oh no
that panic takes over his mind quickly, taking every last piece of him. consuming him like a wave of grief and fear and pain.
he feels the way his breath leaves him with every inhale, getting harder and harder to take a breath, his throat closing as he fights the flashbacks of his mothers long fingernails and the sound of his fathers belt.
the sound of his brother screaming at his parents to stop.
they’re going to send him back and he needs to leave now.
sirius stands quickly, his arms dripping blood steadily, and breathing becoming near non existent.
he falls back down with a loud bang.
it must have been loud enough to alert a nurse, he belatedly realises as he feels a hand grip his shoulder.
“NO” he screams at the contact
“NO DONT TOUCH ME DONT TAKE ME BACK THERE” he continues screaming as pushes himself into the furthest corner of his room, praying that he could shove himself far enough away to stop their incessant attacks.
through the swirling storm of thoughts in his head he hears the sound of alarms going off and instinctively knows that means security is coming
“NO NO NO YOU CANT LET THEM TAKE ME PLEASE DONT MAKE ME GO BACK PLEASE DONT LET ME” he’s barely breathing enough to get his words out at this point, looking towards the blurry figure infront of him and letting out a scream when they try to hold something to his arm.
he holds his hand over his mouth, biting down hard in an effort not to keep screaming. he knows the more he yells the longer his parents will punish him, and if they’re sending him back there he is sure they will hear about this.
sirius’ brain is too loud. loud loud loud. and he’s sobbing so hard he hasn’t noticed more people entering the room until he hears a clear yet firm voice infront of him.
“sirius, this is poppy. you are safe here and you are not going back there. i need you to listen to me”
sirius hears his nurses name and knows he can trust her. she’s the only one he can trust in this god forsaken place.
she’s never lied to him and he needs to know the truth
“poppy, poppy, poppy” he echo’s, reaching out a hand, gradually getting louder each time.
“POPPY PLEASE DO THEY REALLY HATE ME?? DO THEY HATE ME ??THEY CANT HATE ME PLEASE” he’s almost screaming again, searching with his hands through the tears in his eyes for his nurse.
“who sirius? who hates you?” she questions firmly, gripping sirius’ hands in hers and taking deep breaths, hoping sirius subconsciously might follow it
“t-the potters AND REG AND REMUS HE HATES ME” he sobs to her
nurse pomfrey mouths to another nurse to get some bandages before she turns back to sirius to speak firmly,
“sirius they do not hate you. i was just on the phone with mr potter. they are all coming for a visit in fifteen minutes. they love you sirius.” she tries, wondering why he thought the family that loves him more than anything,could hate him, until she sadly remembers that it’s just the way his thoughts work.
meanwhile, sirius’ brain was short circuiting at all this different information.
“no no no the doctor !?! the doctor lady said they didn’t want to come”
he said through cries
“sirius, you know i would never lie to you, i don’t know why she told you that because it is not true. they are on their way now.” she reasoned firmly
sirius’ crying pauses for a moment, still hyperventilating, he looks towards her once more
“they’re coming?” he murmurs hopefully through scattered breathing.
pomfrey let’s out a sigh of relief at the fact that’s she’s getting through to him
“yeah kid, they’re coming now, all of them.” she tells him,
the door opens behind her and a nurse walks in, placing several items on the bed next to her, before turning and leaving again.
she realises gratefully that it was just her and sirius in the room, and that everyone else had given the traumatised teenager space.
“all of them?” he whispers, looking towards her with hope filled eyes
she smiles softly,
“mhm, the potters, including regulus, AND remus” she’s known him long enough to know his family, and it’s dynamics.
sirius relaxes almost completely, his breathing getting slightly better
“so how about we take some of those deep breaths together, then we can get you cleaned up and ready for them to be here” poppy murmurs softly
sirius nods at that, looking towards her for help in his breathing, once he realised his throat was still tight, and his heart was still hammering
they sat together for another five minutes, sirius trying to match his breathing to his nurses and her encouraging him.
once sirius gained his colour back, they stood and moved slowly to his sink, with poppy supporting most of his weight, so they could wash the blood off.
sirius tried not to smile at the comforting pain that the water spilling over his woulds gave him.
once the blood had cleared from his arms and the sink, pomfrey nudged him away from the sink, and guided him towards his mattress to sit.
“i’m going to trust you with these bandages on your arms, but if you do anything dangerous with them i’ll have to take them off you and use bandaids, and i know you hate them, alright?” she raised an eye brow in question.
sirius just nodded along, his brain still not quite with him.
after these kind of episodes he often felt like a bit of a ghost. his mind wondering around looking for something nice to focus on, something that wasn’t the crying induced headache.
“sirius” poppy got his attention, worry in her eyes as he looked up, not really seeing her
“how about we go on a walk to the meds room, the only way i could get them not to sedate you is by promising you will take your meds after, and i know you would prefer that.” she continues once she had his attention
sirius considers this for a moment before he decides arguing would be to much energy that he didn’t have, so he nodded his head numbly, standing and wrapping his arms around himself.
the pair made their way out of sirius’ room and took fourteen steps too the nurses station, then another eleven to the meds room, poppy using the keys attached to her pants to open the door.
(she started keeping them attached to her the day sirius had grabbed them from her pocket and escaped the ward for three hours, before his boyfriend brought him back.)
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
he sits down onto the chair in the corner of the room, pulling his legs up and resting his head on top of his knees.
he listens as poppy jiggles her keys around in the lock of the medication draw and pulls it open
sirius sees the pills she extends to him and hates himself for agreeing
“poppy i feel nothing right now anyways” he sighs, glaring at the pills in her gloved hands.
she lets out a sigh and sirius feels guilty for saying anything
“i know sirius, but you’ve just got to take it for me ok? they could still sedate you if you refuse and i know you want to see your family” she tells him
sirius raises an eyebrow at the blackmail but quickly swallows the pill dry.
poppy opens her mouth to speak when the door opens to the room
the same fragile looking nurse that woke sirius up that morning poked her head in.
“sirius’ family is here” she spoke
his mood immediately brightened at that.
he looked towards pomfrey with a grin on his face who smiled back at him
“thanks rachel, tell them i’ll be out in a sec for a chat” she responds
sirius sits there for a moment pondering amusingly how he was so far off of her name.
“ok sirius, why don’t you go sit in the common room while i have a quick talk with them, and then they can go find you?” she proposes
he jumps up from his chair, with considerably more energy than when he had entered the room, and opens the door to move quickly into the common room
poppy shakes her head fondly in amusement at his change in mood and goes to find the boys family.
meanwhile, sirius has made it to the common room to see milly rocking back and fourth on the floor, humming quietly to herself before she turns at the sound of his steps
“oi” she speaks once he sits down
“you good now mate?” she asks him
sirius blushes for a moment at the thought of everyone hearing his breakdown.
“yeah i’m good” he sheepishly huffs out a laugh
“dont worry about the yelling, just means i get to scream about somthing later to keep us even” she shrugs
he barks out a laugh at that before grinning at her
“thanks mills” he says earnestly
she smirks at him before going back to her rocking
sirius smiles to himself before going back to his staring at the door.
exactly three minutes and forty seven seconds later the doors spring open
sirius stood up straight away, praying to every god he didn’t believe in, that it was his family.
and as soon as remus lupin stepped through that door sirius ran as fast as he could, flinging himself into his boyfriend arms as soon as he was within reach.
remus held him up in his arms, squeezing him tightly as he whispered in his ear
“hi sweetheart”
sirius pulled back to look him in the eyes, smiling as widely as possible before going back in for another hug
“i missed you moony” he whispered
remus laughed and it was such a beautiful sound that Sirius thought he may be drunk from it
“i missed you too pads” he whispered back, searching sirius’ face and frowning slightly at how puffy and red his eyes were
the doors swung opened again and sirius peered over his boyfriends shoulder to see james and regulus walk into the ward
“MY LOVE” james shouts, earning several glares from the nurses station.
he didn’t care though, this was his padfoot and he has missed him so he will greet him as he pleases.
“MY HUSBAND” sirius yells back, the pair embracing as if they had been separated for years.
regulus just sighs and rolls his eyes before turning to remus,
“i’d just like to go to one place where my boyfriend and brother aren’t pronouncing their love for eachother.” he says unamused
remus just nods fiercely at that
“love you too reggie” sirius smiles at his younger brother
he says it sarcastically but everyone knows that he means it.
it’s just the way they work.
and when regulus sends his brother a look no one but him can figure out, and sirius responds with a half shrug and a soft smile, they pretend not to notice.
finally, the two older potters walk through the doors, james letting go of sirius so his parents can greet him.
“hey kid, we’ve missed you so much” mr potter says as he opens his arms for a hug, which sirius great fully acceptes,
whispering a quiet “missed you too” into his chest.
and when mr potter let’s him go, he sees a slightly tearful but smiling mrs potter gesture for him to come closer for her turn.
sirius moves so quick into the hug that they almost fall backwards.
“sirius love” mrs potter murmurs to him
“i meant what i said that day. i will never ever give up on you. you are my kid and i love you.” she finishes, hugging him tighter when she feels him start to sob.
“she-she kept calling me mr-mr black” he hiccuped
“and i’m not him” he cries
“who did honey?” mrs potter urges, trying to contain her rage.
“the doctor lady.” he wipes his face with his hand, ridding himself of his tears, but more seem to replace them anyways.
effie tries not to show her anger visibly, calming herself down with deep breaths and sending at look towards her equally mad husband and children.
“i’m gonna sort this out okay love? can you look at me for a second?”
sirius nods against her, lifting his head to look her in the eyes
“you are a potter. you are our kid and you and regulus will never go back there again. i’m not sure why they used that name for you, considering that on your file it says sirius potter. maybe because it’s not legal yet, but that’s because you boys would rather not have a court case, and that is perfectly fine. You are our kid, you always will be, no matter what.”
sirius is sobbing again at this point, but he’s smiling.
he’s happy that he has them and that with them, maybe one day he will feel okay again.
he hugs his mother until his own sobs die down,then he sends her a soft smile and whispers a quiet “thankyou”
before he pulls away and steps towards remus, grabbing his hand and standing close again.
“can we go sit down in my room? i’m getting a bit tired i’m sorry” sirius speaks sheepishly,
“course love” remus says from next to him
the four younger boys move to walk towards the room at that, not noticing at first the way the older potters hesitated.
regulus is the first to turn around and spot them not having moved. he tilts his head in question as he sees mrs potter mouth something to him,
“keep him calm”
he stands there, confused, for a moment before she speaks up, loud enough for the boys a few paces ahead to turn around.
“boys” she speaks
“you guys go for a lay down and we will be there soon” she states, gesturing towards herself and her husband.
sirius falters in his steps, bringing a hand up to rub anxiously at his chest
“are you going to talk to them about, u-um the thing they said” he stuttered out, not making eye contact with anyone.
regulus had realised what mrs potter had meant now
“yes dear, i just want to make sure no one slips up again, your alright.” she explains.
sirius wonders why that only makes him more anxious, but nods his head and pulls remus along the six more steps to his room.
he knows that the three must notice his bed got taken off of him again, but he’s thankful they don’t say anything.
in a moment, sirius is pulling remus down into the mattress with him, wrapping the scratchy blanket around him and curling into his boyfriend
when he looks up he notices james and regulus just hovering around the room and opens his mouth to tell them to grab a chair when he realises that his chairs are gone aswell.
typical.
he shuts his mouth, turning his head into his boyfriends shoulder ashamed, when he hears the two simply sit down on the floor.
they sit in silence for a moment before james and regulus start bickering about something or other, and remus begins to rub sirius’ back, rocking him slightly at the same time.
sirius hates himself for not being happy right now.
he doesn’t know why he feels so anxious, maybe it’s the medication or maybe it’s the fact that the potters are probably talking to that doctor and she’s going to call him a liar and sirius knows he’s a lot of different things but he is not a liar.
he cant live a lie anymore, he just cant.
he lied to everyone for so long and he can’t anymore. he just wants the lies to stop.
sirius thinks he hears yelling and his heart starts to thump faster and fast and faster, he squeezes his eyes shut as the hears the heaving steps moving towards his door.
he keeps his eyes squeezed shut as he hears the door creeks open, his heart is pounding in his ears and his hands have gone numb.
hands come up to cover his ears and there’s muffled voices all around him, he thinks he’s crying again and he hates himself even more.
he just wants to go home.
home where there’s no screaming and lying, where there’s no fake smiles and a room where he has a bed and can see his family whenever he wants.
away from the security who tackle you when you’re just trying to get away from the prying hands and away from the nurses who come at you with needles and sedatives the moment you get too much.
he wants to go home and it hurts.
his brain is spiralling so hard sirius feels dizzy.
there’s yelling and he thinks he hears his brother and he’s just so tired of everything.
he’s pleading to whoever will listen to make it all stop when he feels another set of hands pull him up, and strangely he doesn’t feel like he has to push them away,
maybe it’s because the soft hands aren’t pulling and shoving and sticking him with needles.
he feels himself being lifted and being moved, only a few more steps until he’s being pulled into someone’s lap and being rocked.
sirius thinks through his brain spiral that he can hear a door shut, and then there’s no more yelling and he sobs in relief
“hey pads, it’s just james, regulus and remus with you right now. you’re safe here, we are in your bathroom and everything is ok” james soothes
sirius takes a moment to register what he has been told before he opens his eyes slowly, light blinding him for a moment, before he makes out a figure kneeling infront of him.
one that reminds him that he is safe and he is loved.
james is smiling softly at him and repeating soothing words over and over until sirius has stopped crying enough to realise that it’s remus who is behind him, hands over his ears and rocking back and fourth in an attempt to calm him down
and that regulus is standing at the door, looking slightly pale and spooked but glaring at whoever is outside, daring them to even take a step towards him.
apparently someone tests him, because regulus is moving to hold his hand on the door nob, and raising an eye brow to the person on the other side of the small window that is on the door.
through remus’ hands on his ears he hears some quiet murmuring between regulus and whoever is on the other side of the door before he gestures for them to wait a moment and he walks towards sirius and crouches down, signalling for remus to move his hands for a second.
“nurse pomfrey wants to know if she can come in for a second to check on you?” regulus asks,
sirius blinks slowly at him as the question soaks in, before nodding his head softly in response.
regulus stands again and opens the door with a nod towards his brothers nurse, as she rushes into the room and crouches next to james infront of his brother.
“how are you feeling sirius?” the older women asks softly,
sirius only shrugs in return, his head feeling foggy again.
“you know i’ve got to ask kid, any injuries i should know about?” she questions as softly as possible, given the weight of the question,
sirius blushes, embarrassed that the others in the room are hearing this as well, despite the fact that they have all seen him at much lower points in his life.
but, he shakes his head at her anyways.
“that’s really good sirius, a step closer to going home” she praises
sirius looks up confused, after all he did just have his second breakdown of the day and it not even ten o’clock.
she must see this on his face as she opens her beings to explain again,
“sirius you managed to calm down without feeling like you had to hurt yourself, that’s what we are working towards here kid, so that we can get you home.” she smiles at him kindly and chuckles a little before speaking again,
“gosh, i’ll come back to check in on you soon, my knees are not built for me to be crouching like this” she stands, waiting for some sort of reaction from sirius,
which she gets when his lips quirk and he nods his head slightly, and she moves out of the room, speaking to the potters, standing in the other room
sirius sighs once she’s gone, looking around the room at his brothers and his boyfriend before croaking out a soft “thankyou” and leaning further into his boyfriend, who kisses him on the head.
“don’t worry about it sirius, i enjoy putting those dickhead doctors in their place” regulus started, moving to sit on one side of his brother
james huffed out a laugh and did the same
“and don’t worry about rem and i, we will always be here when you need us” james finished for them.
sirius felt himself drifting off from pure exhaustion, yawning loudly before closing his eyes again, nodding as he did this
“sleep love,” remus started
“we will be here when you wake up” he whispered
sirius drifted to sleep quickly, lulled by the thought of how safe and loved he really was.