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when it came to her, xiao felt absolutely pathetic.
when she asked something of him, he felt the intense urge to fulfill it. though, that was the easy part. he was useful when following orders. serving as a weapon or a tool was the only thing he knew how to do.
however, she never treated him as such, not even for a second. he was used to being snapped at and scolded for his shortcomings, but instead she'd smile or laugh. her exclamations were never patronizing or cruel, they were playful.
she seldom ever even called him to fight for her, much to his annoyance. she typically preferred to seek him out, rather than calling his name. if she did summon him, it was typically for something silly like picking flowers or simply accompanying her.
lumine enjoyed spending time with him, which was a foreign and confusing concept. he could not fathom why anyone in their right mind would want to be around him, especially someone like her.
he grew fond of her quickly, though, he was hesitant. his karma destroyed everything it touched. there was no way he was going to let himself hurt her too. the idea of her suffering even a fraction of what he had made him feel anxious.
so, he ran.
for months he ran from her, but persisted. she followed him with a silly smile and a playful demeanor until he eventually yielded.
physical touch wasn't his strong suit- it never had been. the idea made him sick, but he'd managed to be able to cope with short, brief contacts. he'd learned that others liked to be held or touched, so he'd been teaching himself what to do. his proudest moment so far was he'd managed to hold her hand, of his own volition, and then managed to kiss her on the forehead. she was distraught, and he needed to comfort her. the way her eyes lit up was priceless.
when he couldn't bring himself to touch her, a sick, desperate part of her wished she was like his old master. in his mind, it seemed easier if she'd just order him to do as she pleased, rather than asking him. back then, he didn't have time to worry about if he didn't want to do something, as he was forced to do it anyways.
the first time she kissed him, it was for so long his legs felt weak and he could hardly stand. all his energy had gone into properly kissing her back and keeping himself from collapsing to his knees. he'd never felt so euphoric before. her touch alone made him feel dizzy, but her lips were simply intoxicating.
however, once the buzz faded, he was left with the memories. memories of torture and the pain he'd felt. for years, every movement made him flinch or shrink back. he couldn't read what would anger his master, as it was different everyday. one day, killing a human and devouring its dreams was a good thing, and he was left alone. the next day, he was a disgusting monster who deserved to suffer.
he recalled the burning, beating, and cutting he'd endure. he hated fire as a result of being burned so often. a typical "punishment" resulted in him being so battered, bloody, and burned that his limbs protested when he so much as breathed.
it was through those experiences that he also learned that the sound of his own heavy breathing, of him desperately gasping for air, made him nauseous.
he couldn't stand to be touched. the sensation was excruciating, so he avoided it for centuries. he'd back away and scare off anyone who dared to try.
that was until he met her. lumine was warm and gentle, her smile rivaled the brightness of the sun. she wasn't afraid of him, no matter how hard he tried. she ignored every warning and kept coming back to him.
when she had touched him, he felt warm, and light, and weak. even though he would succumb completely to her will, he couldn't make himself stop. a twisted, lonely, desperate part of himself wanted to fall completely. to tell her that he was hers and only hers, but he didn't.
xiao knew what he was. he was a pathetic, worthless monster. he was barely above the demons he killed every night. all the suffering he endured wasn't nearly enough. he'd ruthlessly slaughtered thousands of innocent humans. then, to allow himself even a sliver of pleasure in his endless abyss of misery, he'd devour their dreams.
he was fully aware of how weak he truly was. though he'd been blessed, or rather cursed, with incredible strength and abilities, he was still weak. every few days, he'd be struck with an intense and indescribable pain that made him wish to die. he'd rip his enemies apart to try and make it stop until he passed out. then, he'd wake up from the violent, painful nightmares and do it all over again.
when she arrived, she'd saved him. she could help him through his episodes, and she could drive them away too. he never cared to admit it, but he was helpless against her.
xiao suppressed a shiver. his chest felt heavy from panic. he felt her hands on his face, which he'd learned to accept. however, he felt incredibly unstable. he was suddenly acutely aware of her body as she sat next to him. he hated feeling this way, it was a direct contradiction to the image he had made for himself.
he was supposed to be the strong, vigilant yakasha, the conqueror of demons. instead, here he was on the verge of a panic attack because the girl he loved wanted to be near him.
the rational part of xiao was quite fed up with the way he was feeling. archons forbid lumine try and treat him like a normal person treated their partner. he wanted so badly to be normal. he wanted to treat her like he’d seen other humans treat their partners, but the emotional, annoying, stupid part of him seemed to refuse. he was sick of dealing with pain that was hesitant to admit was trauma.
whenever he tried to apologize to her, she'd scold him for it. he didn't understand why she wouldn't let him beg for forgiveness, but he'd learned to just swallow the urge. he'd learned not to voice his weaknesses, as it was better if he just said nothing.
she gave him a soft smile and rubbed his cheek with her thumb. he'd never had someone smile at him like that. he forced his breathing to slow. it was a skill of his that he'd learned to help cope. he'd forced himself to keep a blank, solid expression.
if he told lumine how he felt, he knew she wouldn't judge him. she had voiced her concerns to him before, and he listened and tried to help. she had told him he could do the same, and she too would listen. however, he didn't- he just couldn't.
lumine playfully tapped him on the nose, "are you alright?"
"fine." xiao said bluntly.
her gaze softened, "you always are."
he wasn't. most days he was barely holding himself together, but she didn't need to know that. she didn't need to know how anxious he was, or how he was scared of when she'd leave, or how he was afraid that she'd get hurt- and how he was terrified he'd be the one to hurt her.
lumine tilted her head to the side, "hey, xiao?"
"yes?" he replied.
"is something bothering you?" she asked.
"no."
"are you sure? lumine questioned, "you seem slightly off."
xiao sighed, "i'm fine."
she nodded in understanding. she let her hands slip from his face to his arm, and then down to his hands.
"aren't the stars pretty tonight?" she mused.
"indeed." xiao agreed.
she settled next to him. her body was warm, which was a contrast to him. one of the many "perks" of being an adeptus was that he ran cold, meaning he didn't get cold or hot easily. lumine pointed to one of the constellations.
a funny fact about him was that he'd memorized every constellation in the tevyat sky. he'd spent so much time staring into the sky that he knew them by heart. he was no astrologer, but he could easily recognize a star formation.
truthfully, he only knew them because when he was lying on the ground in pain, and on the verge of passing out, he would focus on the stars to stay conscious.
"what’s that one called, xiao?" lumine asked.
"that one is called cassiopeia." xiao explained, "cassiopeia is a standard star formation. unlike the smaller constellations in tevyat, it doesn't correlate to a vision bearer."
she looked up in awe. he adored the fond twinkle in her eyes, as he knew she was a fan of the stars.
"that's amazing.." she murmured softly.
lumine let her head rest on his shoulder. he suppressed a flinch, but quickly found the will to relax. he hadn't been this warm in a while. he typically preferred the cold, but her warmth was soothing.
she asked about another constellation, and another, as she excitedly pointed to the ones visible from where they were sitting. her eyes sparkled and her smile widened as he explained the names and stories behind each.
"say, xiao.." lumine hummed, "what's your constellation called?"
xiao looked up and pointed to a small constellation that had six points and was vaguely shaped like a bird, "my constellation is called atalus nemeseos. my sister, bonanus, showed it to me the day i was created."
she stared at it for a while, her eyes filled with a strange sense of admiration. she tightened its grip on his hand ever so slightly.
"it looks like a bird.. so can you turn into a bird?" lumine questioned.
"what? no." xiao scoffed in the faint suggestion of a laugh. he managed to crack a small smile.
lumine huffed in muted embarrassment, "it's a valid question! the other adepti can turn into animals.. some only stay as animals!"
xiao hummed in thought. he'd lost his ability to transform into an illuminated beast, but he always assumed it was some kind of bird. he had a birthmark/tattoo on his arm in the shape of a bird.
"the correct term is an illuminated beast, but you are right. there were was time where i could've. however, i never did and now its not possible anymore." xiao explained.
lumine looked away from the sky and back to him, "why not?"
"you're already smiling, i would rather save a depressing story for another time." xiao said.
lumine pouted. his gaze softened at her expression. she shifted to look at him completely, probably because she knew he was helpless to her requests. her wide, golden eyes accompanied with her pout willed the words forward.
"tell me, otherwise i'll just end up thinking about it for the next few days!" lumine insisted.
xiao relented with a sigh, "my body endured.. hellish conditions for so long, that i've lost some of my more docile abilities in exchange for strength."
"'hellish conditions' seems like the understatement of the century." lumine replied.
"perhaps." xiao nodded.
lumine kissed him on the cheek, "well.. as fun as bird-xiao would be, i like you best."
his mind froze momentarily, and he blinked in surprise. his cheek tingled from the contact. she laughed at his reaction, as she normally did, and he fought to keep a leveled expression. though, he couldn’t keep a pink tint from rising to his cheeks.
her playful smile was worth the world to him. he'd do anything to keep it, keep her, in his life for as long as he could. all xiao wanted was to make lumine happy.
if staying around him made her happy, he'd let her.
her typical reply to getting a reaction out of him was to repeat the initiating action. after seeing him get flustered, naturally, she kissed him again. xiao felt like his brain was melting out of his body as he leaned into her kiss.
he was oddly aware of her hand on top to his, her fingers interlaced with his.
“you look cute when you’re flustered.” lumine teased as she pulled away.
xiao hummed to hide his embarrassment, as he didn’t trust his words at the moment. touch was what he was the absolute worse at, but words were a close second. he wasn’t a skilled communicator by any means, and he quite literally lost all words when it came to her.
in the end, making her happy was all he wanted. he wasn’t sure he could physically wrap his head around the idea that she liked him, but he had to try. if she was excited by holding his hand, then he'd let her. if kissing him made her happy, though he didn’t understand why, he’d let her.
xiao typically held back anything emotional he wanted to say. he always worried that he wouldn’t phrase what he was thinking correctly, and that he would sound weird.. but this time, he didn’t.
“lumine...” xiao said, breaking his silence.
lumine looked up at him with piqued interest, considering he never used her real name.
“..i really do love you.”