Archive of Our Own ^beta

NOVEMBER 28TH

Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve written. Not that you care…you’re a book. It’s almost winter break and my exams start soon, so I’ve been really busy getting back into the swing of life. I feel like I’m in a liminal space where too much and not enough is happening at the same time.

I felt like writing today because it’s moving day for Renjun. He’ll be living with his boyfriend now, which is kind of weird because he swore he wouldn’t even get a boyfriend in the first place. But I can’t blame him, Jeno is dreamy. I don’t remember if I said anything about him, but Renjun met him at the convenience store. He’s tall and funny in that dorky way that makes you roll your eyes when you laugh. And he’s a boxer, so he’s really strong. He’s just got the boyish personality and look that everyone knows I like in a guy.

But don’t worry, I’m not jealous. Honestly. I don’t want Renjun’s boyfriend. They’ve been going out for like a year now, and I’ve seen so much that I wish I could bleach from my memory at this point. Jeno’s my type, but he isn’t my type at the same time, you know? I don’t want Renjun’s boyfriend. I’m not that kinda guy.

I’m getting off track. It’s moving day, so I’m going over to his apartment to help him get his shit down the stairs and into his stupid little car. It’ll be my workout for the week. Haha. But honestly, he owes me big time for this one because he knows I hate heavy lifting. I’d better get something good out of this.

Kidding. Kind of. But not really.

***

“Lift the other end.” Renjun grunts, face shiny with sweat as he stops on the landing of his apartment stairs, a chair suspended between him and a very tired, very annoyed Donghyuck.

“I am lifting it.” Donghyuck bites right back, his fingers growing weak from the way the piece of furniture is cradled in them.

Despite the cold air outside, it’s disgustingly hot in the little stairwell of Renjun’s three-story apartment building. The stairs are too narrow and the ceiling is too low, and the heat radiating from Donghyuck’s skin alone is probably enough to fog up the little window on the metal side door. He huffs, adjusting his hold as Renjun glances down the second flight of stairs before staring up at him with a frown.

“Twist it, then.”

“Which way?”

“Right.”

Donghyuck obeys, and Renjun lets out a squeak before jerking it back into place.

“My right!”

“Then that’s my left!” Donghyuck’s eyes roll, head toppling back as he adjusts his hold again, halfway down the first step.

Believe it or not, Donghyuck loves his friends. Renjun is probably the best one he’s got because he puts up with Donghyuck and his bullshit. His pestering, his complaining, his whining. His incessant need to be talking all the time just to fill the silence, the fact he only listens to Taylor Swift in the car, and his obsession with how good his hair looks.

Donghyuck isn’t easy and he knows that, but Renjun still calls him for things like “boys' night out”, and advice when he and Jeno fight, and just to cry when life starts kicking him in the ass.

And apparently for carrying furniture even though Donghyuck works out approximately once a month and most of his exercise comes from running back and forth behind the counter of a Starbucks.

“You are useless.” Renjun jabs his chin at Donghyuck, who mocks offence dramatically.

“I will drop this on you.”

“Don’t you dare, Lee Donghyuck.”

“Hurry up!” Jeno’s voice calls as the door opens just slightly, his head popping in with a confused look on his face. “It’s freezing out here!”

The doors clang shut and Renjun shifts his narrowed eyes up to Donghyuck like he’s trying hard to be menacing. And he must admit, Renjun can get a little scary sometimes—he angers easily and his rage is not to be contained, and Donghyuck has fallen victim to sharp words and even sharper glares countless times.

“Twist it. To your left.”

“Yes sir.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes before tilting the couch to the left and immediately banging his elbow against the stair railing. He lets out a yelp and nearly loses his hold, teeth gritting together as his arm begins to sting up it. “Motherf—”

“Do you guys need some help?” A voice calls from down the hall, and Donghyuck is fully prepared to tell whoever it is to politely fuck off—yeah, he’s at that point right about now.

But as he cranes his head around to get a glimpse of them, his body sort of stops working for a second. Instead of his knees, his fingers go weak, and the other half of the chair goes plummeting to the tiles underneath it and lurches Renjun forward with it.

“Donghyuck! What the hell?”

Donghyuck finds himself staring at the mildly concerned face of a boy he’s never seen in his life. He’s sure of it because he knows he would remember big brown eyes and animated eyebrows that warp with confusion as he stares right back. His beat-up sneakers are crossing the hallway, his gym bag hoisted over his shoulder and an old, wrinkly t-shirt sticking to his chest with half-dried sweat.

“Are you okay?” He asks, and Renjun groans as he drops the other side of the chair to the floor, leaving it perched on the stairs awkwardly.

“I’m fine, Mark. Donghyuck here can’t carry furniture.”

“Well, get Jeno. He and I can carry it out for you.”

Their whole exchange goes without a word from Donghyuck, who stands pressed against the stairway railing and watches as the boy’s bag hits the floor and he pushes his t-shirt sleeves up and over his shoulders. He’s not big by any means, especially not in comparison to Jeno, but the way he can lift his end of the chair and make it look easy is enough proof for Donghyuck that he’s strong.

He watches from the landing as the pair of boys get the chair out of the side door, and as soon as they’re out of sight he asks,

“Who’s that?”

Renjun rolls his eyes up at him, clearly unimpressed by his measly attempt at help. “That’s Mark. He lives upstairs. His mail always gets mixed up with mine because we have the same unit number on different floors.”

“Oh.” Donghyuck nods slowly, his eyes flickering over to the wide open door, blowing cold February air into the little stairwell.

“I should have just called him instead of you,” Renjun mutters as he climbs the stairs again and brushes past Donghyuck to go back into his apartment to retrieve something else.

Donghyuck waits long enough to watch Mark come back inside, damp hair tousled by the wind and cheeks a snow-bitten pink. He takes the stairs two at a time as he makes his way back up and gives Donghyuck a smile with his nose scrunched up as he reaches the landing. Upon closer inspection, he smells a little like sweat, and with his appearance, Donghyuck assumes he just returned from the gym.

“Do you guys need me to stick around?” He asks, picking up his half-zipped bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

Donghyuck shakes his head, mouth suddenly too dry to talk.

“You sure?” Mark’s head tilts and his smile turns teasing. “You seemed to be having some trouble with that chair.”

“It was a little too heavy.” Donghyuck can’t keep looking at him—not when his eyes which are so much like a cat’s are staring right into his. “It’s just some boxes now.”

“Well, luckily Jeno and I have the combined strength of 4 people.”

“Cocky much?”

Mark shrugs and giggles, his lips pulling inwards as if trying to suppress it, before he turns around and heads back down the hall he came from. As he passes Renjun’s door, he calls into the open foyer,

“If you need any more help, just buzz me!”

And just like that, he’s gone.

Donghyuck waits a moment to make sure he really is gone, before racing into Renjun’s unit with only one question on his mind. He sees his friend in the kitchen, scribbling on the side of a box with a sharpie, and steps away from the front door to ask,

“Why didn’t you tell me about him?”

Renjun startles, nearly dropping his marker as he looks up at Donghyuck with what has to be the most bewildered expression he can make. “What are you talking about?”

“That guy.” Donghyuck leans against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt at looking nonchalant when in reality, his heart is still beating way too fast. “You never told me about him.”

“Why would I?” Renjun goes back to the box in front of him, brows furrowing in obvious confusion. “He’s just my neighbour. We speak to each other like, once a week.”

And he’s absolutely right. Why would he mention him? Donghyuck wouldn’t bring up the girl that lives down the hall from him with the vocal dog, or the old man who’s always on his balcony smoking and likes to ask if Donghyuck serves black coffee at his job—every single time he sees him. Why would Renjun mention the boy upstairs who gets his mail sometimes?

“He’s cute.” Donghyuck settles on that like it totally justifies his asking. “You know he’s my type, Jun.”

“Your type is someone who wears the same shirt at least three times a week?” Renjun has moved onto another box, labelling it with his steady artist’s hand as Donghyuck fumbles for a response.

“Well, you know what I mean. He’s cute. He just looks like…a guy.”

Renjun’s eyes roll (fondly, maybe, he’s not quite sure). “That’s what he is, Donghyuck. So you can quit while you’re ahead.”

“Famous last words, Jun.”

***

DECEMBER 1ST

I went back to Renjun’s old apartment today. He had left a few things there the other day because he was tired and probably sick of my complaining, so we went to grab them today. I had to help because Jeno was in class, and I’m like, a really good friend.

And I saw him again.

Him, of course being Mark. The guy I met the other day. If I’m being honest with you here, I haven’t stopped thinking about him since then. I’m usually not a sucker like this, but his eyes are indescribable. They’re like giant moons that pull the tides in, you know? Big, round, dark, totally knee-weakening. It’s sickening, really. And he stared at me when he met me!!! ME!

Although he might have been looking beside me at the chair I had just dropped, but hey, let me feed into my delusions for a bit.

Renjun says he’s just being nice, which he probably is, but that won’t stop me from staring at his broad chest, strong arms, and boyish smile. The kind of smile that screams silent mischief and excitement.

Oh my god, I sound ridiculous. Seriously. Nothing even happened today, I just saw a glimpse of him heading downstairs with his gym bag. He was wearing the same shirt I saw him in the other day, but I am choosing to believe he washed it in between for my sanity.

***

Donghyuck is pretty sure he’s running late. Like, way too late to save his own ass. He blames whoever scheduled his second Monday class precisely 10 minutes after his first one, giving him zero chance to get across the building in time on a good day.

This is not a good day. The whole reason Donghyuck is running late is that he forgot to submit his quiz at midnight. Sure, rookie mistake, but it was midnight and he was exhausted. He wrote it, he just forgot to click the little submit button at the bottom of his computer screen before closing it and climbing into bed for the night. So of course he had to stay behind after class to try and convince his professor that he did just forget and that it was filled out in its entirety. Needless to say, he didn’t get the answer he wanted, and he left his classroom 7 minutes late with the promise of rewriting the quiz and taking a late penalty.

Donghyuck isn’t the Flash—hell, he isn’t a superhero at all, because if he was he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t end up in half of the unfortunate circumstances he does—so he knows he can’t make it to his next class in time. He’ll have to awkwardly slip in after everyone else, and probably hear some crack about it from the professor that he’ll laugh off bitterly.

Despite this, he does try and make an effort, but it’s quickly thwarted when he turns out of the classroom doorway and slams directly into someone else.

It’s not a cute, delicate, accidental bump either. Donghyuck collides with them, his boots stomping onto their dirty sneakers and their heads nearly knocking together, sending a metal water bottle clattering across the tile floor like thunder. The other person stumbles back at the same time Donghyuck lets out a rather unfriendly curse, before emitting a sound of surprise.

Donghyuck looks up, face an embarrassing shade of red, to find Mark standing in front of him with a teasing look on his face like his water bottle isn’t laying dented on the floor behind him.

“Damn, you really are clumsy, huh?”

Forget embarrassed, Donghyuck is mortified.

Here he is, flustered, uncoordinated, and clumsy, just like the first time he ran into the boy. He wonders if Mark has some kind of spider sense that brings him to Donghyuck at his least proud moments.

To be fair, Mark sort of looks like he just rolled out of bed. He has on a wrinkled hoodie with a sports team splashed across the front and baggy sweatpants in the same colour, and half-curly hair is squished down on his forehead by a beanie and covered by the hood. His eyes are half asleep, his smile is lazy, and it looks like he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days. It’s not a state Donghyuck would want to be caught dead in, but Mark looks so casually unbothered by everything that it’s kind of attractive.

“Sorry, I…” Donghyuck fumbles to explain himself—that he’s late and in a rush, and usually pays way more attention—but Mark gives him a crooked smile and bends down to pick up his water bottle.

Donghyuck trails off, watching him examine the sticker-covered metal before he hums and crosses his arms over his chest, tucking the water bottle safely against it like it’s his baby.

“I’ve never seen you down here.” He states matter-of-factly, and Donghyuck subconsciously glances at the clock on the wall at the opposite end of the corridor. He’s definitely screwed and is considering abandoning his second class entirely at this point.

“My class gets out at 20 after. I’m running late today.”

Mark’s lips push out into a pout—a silly, strange-looking pout that gets shadowed by his nose. “What class do you have?”

“Music ed.”

Donghyuck watches as his eyes go wide and his lips turn into a little ‘o’ excitedly like that’s the craziest thing he’s heard all morning.

“No shit! Me too!” His head whips back a little, gesturing towards the next door over. “I’m in that room.”

Donghyuck is admittedly a little taken aback. Mostly because Mark doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to study music at all. Like, not even as an extra credit. He doesn’t know a lot of people like Mark (you know, the loud, cocky, gym bro guys) but he finds that they usually study within their realm of passion. Things like kinesiology, education, and physiotherapy.

The idea of Mark being so goddamn cute and having a passion for music is almost dizzying.

“My professor says your class got stuck with the shittier teacher.” Mark says with a childish grin and Donghyuck shrugs right back.

“Mine says the same thing about you guys.”

“Maybe they’re in love.” Mark jokes, and Donghyuck can’t help but snort out a laugh as he drops his eyes to his shoes, because holy hell does Mark stare, and it makes him kind of nervous. “Hey, where’s your next class?”

Donghyuck doesn’t want to tell him that he’s already a good 7 minutes late to said class, because he kind of doesn’t want this mundane, everyday conversation to end. So he just says exactly where he’s supposed to be.

“Tech department. West wing.”

“No shit!” Mark says again, like the things Donghyuck is telling him are out of this world. “I’m in the east wing!” He has this excited grin on his face like it’s impossible that the fates and the universe have aligned in such a perfect way. “Wanna walk together?”

Yes.

“Yes. Yeah, sure.” Donghyuck trips over his own words like they’re traps set up to fail him, and Mark nods with his nose scrunched up as he starts walking, brushing his elbow against Donghyuck’s arm as he goes.

Donghyuck rushes to match his pace, Mark’s sneakers letting out the occasional squeak as they walk side by side down the bland-coloured corridor. In a way, Donghyuck sort of can’t believe this situation either, because what are the odds of meeting some random guy who lives in your friend’s apartment building, and then finding out that you’re in the same program and never knew?

Donghyuck is positive he’d remember seeing Mark before because he hasn’t stopped thinking about him since the moment he met him.

“So, what do you do in the tech hall?” The boy asks, breaking the silence that’s awkwardly encased them since they started walking.

“Business.” Donghyuck says simply with a shrug, watching the campus pass them by as they glide alongside a wall of windows that look out at a dreary, grey, December day. “You?”

“Music production.”

“Woah.” Donghyuck glances over at Mark, and only then realizes he has to look up ever so slightly to meet his eyes. (As if he couldn’t get any dreamier). “No shit.”

A smile curls onto Mark’s face that almost looks shy, but he plays it off with a scoff. “It’s not a big deal. I’m not good yet.”

They finally reach the hallway that splits off to their respective classrooms, and Mark turns to Donghyuck with his free hand wrapped around one backpack strap. He has this goofy, lopsided smile on his face as he waves his water bottle between them like he’s saying goodbye with it. And it’s so awkwardly endearing that Donghyuck nearly melts into a puddle on the tile floor.

“Well, I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah.” Donghyuck nods promptly, and just as Mark is about to turn, he stops him. “Hey, could I get your number?”

The words tumble out of Donghyuck’s mouth without warning like he’s throwing up, fast and unstoppable, and they leave a bitter taste in his mouth and a sick feeling in his stomach. Because what the hell was he thinking with that one? Mark just blinks at him for a moment, then his eyes light up.

“Hey! Good idea, man! We can help each other with homework. Give me your phone.”

It’s Donghyuck’s turn to blink in silence as he pulls his phone out of his back pocket and hands it to Mark, watching as his fingers fly across the screen to add his number to his contacts. His nails are bitten, but his fingers still look long and pretty as he wraps them around the phone to hand it back to Donghyuck.

“There. Text me later.” This time Mark does turn, and he bounces his backpack higher on his back as he strides down the hall and away from Donghyuck, who just stares down at the new contact in his phone.

Mark :)

Donghyuck glances in the direction of his classroom before walking right past it.

***

DONGHYUCK

i saw your neighbour guy.

he gave me his number!!!!

RENJUN

i’m proud of you for not being a baby

but he’s not really my neighbour anymore

just jeno’s workout buddy

DONGHYUCK

oh my god that’s so hot

why is that so hot????

should i text him or should i wait a bit

RENJUN

my god it’s like you’re 16

embarrassing

***

“Who do you have a crush on now?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and knocks the back of his head against the couch before sending the boy in front of him on the floor the deadliest of glares.

“Renjun, your brother is just asking to be kicked.”

“I’m asking who you’re trying to hook up with.” Chenle rolls his eyes right back before blowing on a mouthful of noodles to cool them down. “There’s always someone new.”

“That’s literally not true.” Donghyuck nudges his head with his socked foot, earning a smack on his shin in retaliation.

At the same moment, Jeno reappears from the kitchen, styrofoam takeout container in hand, and plops himself down on the couch right beside Donghyuck. He spreads his legs out and sets his food in his lap, pushing damp hair back as Donghyuck’s senses are filled with the smell of boy.

“What did I miss? Who do you have a crush on?”

Donghyuck says nothing because talking about boys was all fun and games when Jeno was taking his post-gym shower, but it becomes a lot trickier to talk about Mark when one of his friends is sitting right beside him. He doesn’t think Jeno would say anything to the boy, but he’d rather spare himself yet another embarrassing, Mark-centric moment.

He just shrugs and pokes around his food, like he wasn’t fully prepared to start gushing.

But then, like bad luck, Renjun walks in and says casually, “That guy you go to the gym with. He’s obsessed with him.”

“Renjun!” Donghyuck wails, like a sword has been plunged right through his stomach (or more realistically, his back). “Why would you tell him?”

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Jeno pouts at him, and Donghyuck feels like sinking into the couch out of embarrassment that’s coursing through him hot and heavy because all of his friends are staring at him.

“He’s your friend.” He says meekly, and Jeno’s eyes turn to happy moons again.

“Yeah. Honestly, it’s kinda funny that you like him.”

Donghyuck goes still and halts pushing around the food in his takeout container. Back when Donghyuck was a kid before you could surround yourself with people like you (or at least people who respect you), he remembers hearing comments like that a lot. If he looked at a boy too long, suddenly he had a crush on him, and everyone had to stay away because it was contagious, like lice.

Or how if he ever told a girl she was pretty, she would never say anything back and instead would run over to her friends and they’d giggle amongst each other about some joke Donghyuck was left out of. And the boys in class would find out and tell him it was funny that he liked her because she only liked boys who played soccer, skateboarded, or did anything Donghyuck didn’t do.

“Why?” He asks cautiously, waiting for the teasing to start even though he’s grown now, and beyond playground antics. Because he’s quickly realizing that Mark and Jeno (despite being so nice) are exactly like those boys who used to make fun of him.

“Because he’s gross, dude.”

“Huh?” Donghyuck’s lips curl up as he turns to look at Jeno, who just giggles to himself and takes a bite of food, trying his best to politely speak around it.

“I figured you’d be into guys like yourself. Who dress nice and…smell good.”

Chenle nearly chokes on his food at that, letting out a cackle around a mouthful of noodles as he whips around to look up at Donghyuck. “He’s stinky!?”

“He’s not!” Donghyuck whines, his cheeks going red as Jeno chuckles beside him.

“You don’t hang out with him.”

From that moment, Donghyuck makes it his mission to hang out with Mark.

Which is easier said than done, he must admit, because he doesn’t talk to the boy much other than to exchange answers on their homework or reassure each other that it’s okay that they didn’t finish an assignment on time. It feels a lot like a pathetic, high school crush that isn’t going anywhere despite how many dumb gifs Donghyuck sends just to watch that little typing bubble appear and get replaced by laughing emojis.

He doesn’t even see Mark, because his class still ends before his, and he still has to get across the building in under 10 minutes. So if anything, he only catches him in the form of a bright hoodie or hat strolling down the hall in the opposite direction at the same time Donghyuck is entering his classroom.

He never sees him in the dining hall, the library, or even at the gym on campus. Mark turns from a physical person to words on his phone screen and an ever-present thought in the back of his mind.

It’s annoying, really, not being able to stop thinking about someone you barely know, but Donghyuck can’t help it. There’s something about his ugly fashion choices and boyish smile that are so endearing to him.

So one random Friday night, he does the unthinkable.

DONGHYUCK

hey

are you busy tonight?

Mark :)

Lol I’m going to the gym after school

But after that no

DONGHYUCK

cool cool

you guys have a quiz coming up too, right?

Mark :)

Yeah! I’m not prepared lol

DONGHYUCK

do you maybe want to come over to my place?

to study

lol

Mark :)

That’s a good idea!!!

You’re smart

What time?

DONGHYUCK

just text me when you’re done at the gym?

Mark :)

Sure! Cool :)

Donghyuck thinks he could explode. He’s pretty sure he might as he sits at his friends’ cafeteria table, lunch half eaten in front of him as he stares down at his phone with his lips pressed tight to suppress an embarrassingly giddy smile.

Chenle points his fork at him accusingly. “Why do you look like that?”

“Like what?” Donghyuck snaps his head up, laying his phone down in his lap in a way that’s obvious he’s hiding something.

“Your face is weird.”

“Wow, thanks.” He rolls his eyes, taking a bite of his sandwich in an attempt to seem normal.

His phone vibrates on his legs, and he’s fast to pick it up again.

Mark :)

Does 6 work?

I’ll have to shower and shit before I come over lol

“He’s texting Mark,” Renjun says from beside him, making Donghyuck practically squawk as he turns his phone away from his friend’s prying eyes.

“Don’t read my messages!”

“Why are you texting Mark?” Chenle asks with his eyes narrowed seriously.

“I think he said he’s coming over.”

“Mark is coming over to your place?” Chenle’s eyes blow wider with surprise as he pushes forward in his seat, trying to lean across the table and see Donghyuck’s phone screen.

“Quit it!” Donghyuck turns it off and slams it facedown on the table, his face no doubt a hot, humiliating shade of red. “We’re just going to study.”

“Sure,” Chenle sinks back down in his seat with an evil smile on his face. “Study.”

Donghyuck thinks he could die of embarrassment right now.

“I’m pretty sure Mark is straight.” Renjun says softly, and that’s the final nail in Donghyuck’s coffin.

He slowly turns his head to look at his friend. “You couldn’t tell me that before?”

“I didn’t think you were that into him.” He shrugs, and Donghyuck’s phone buzzes again. “Plus I could be wrong. My gay intuition has led me astray a few times.”

Donghyuck lets out a groan and hits his forehead against the table twice.

Mark :)

I’ve gotta go so just let me know!

I can’t wait!! lol

***

RENJUN

he says lol a lot

embarrassing

DONGHYUCK

stop it

i think it’s cute

RENJUN

of course you do

tell me how it goes

:)

***

When 6 PM rolls around, Donghyuck is filled to the brim with giddy excitement. He knows it’s nothing more than a study session, but he made sure his little apartment was clean, he had snacks in the cupboard, and an easy-smelling candle was burning on the coffee table.

He’s not saying he wants to impress Mark, but he does want him to think that his place is nice. You know, so he’ll want to come over more often. Just for fun.

Donghyuck can’t even get himself to do anything other than sit on the couch and watch the door, waiting for a knock to sound. If Renjun and Chenle could see him right now, he’d never live it down.

At about 6:07, there’s a knock at his door, and Donghyuck practically launches to his feet. He smoothes out his pants and waits just a few seconds before crossing the room. He unlocks the door and opens it to find Mark, head turned to look around at the very uninteresting hallway. His lips are pursed like he’s silently whistling, and his eyes go wide as he turns back to look at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck almost can’t speak, because Mark looks the same but somehow so different. His head isn’t covered by a hat, and his hair is very clearly freshly washed from that aforementioned shower because it looks soft and bouncy, and a few pieces are curling in different spots. His face is clean and shaved and looks so bright compared to the dark grey crewneck sweater he’s sporting.

And jeans. Mark isn’t wearing wrinkled sweatpants or gym shorts. He’s wearing straight-legged blue jeans. He smiles at Donghyuck, and all the boy can get out is,

“Hi.”

“Hey!” Mark chirps, hands still clutching the straps of his backpack. “How’s it going?”

Donghyuck blinks at him. “Good. Yeah, good.” He swallows hard and rushes to step away from the door. “Here, come in.”

Mark steps around him, brushing his arm as he does, and Donghyuck takes a moment to compose himself as he’s closing and relocking the door. Don’t be an idiot, he repeats like a mantra in his head, before turning around to watch Mark untie his sneakers.

“You’ve got a nice place.” He says, setting his shoes next to the door before smiling at him again, and Donghyuck is pretty sure he could melt into the floorboards at this point. “Smells good in here. Are you doing laundry?”

“It’s a candle.” Donghyuck gets out, blinking fast as he looks away because Mark is so handsome tonight that it’s unbearable.

He either doesn’t notice how strange Donghyuck is acting or he just doesn’t care, because he hums and makes his way into the lounge with his bag hanging off one shoulder. Donghyuck watches as he goes, before realizing what the sweater he’s wearing says. It has LEE printed on one arm, and the front has neatly embroidered text belonging to a school sports team.

“You played baseball?”

Mark turns with a confused look on his face, which quickly morphs into that stomach-fluttering grin.

“Yeah! Freshman year.”

“That’s so…cool.” Donghyuck says airily, immediately imagining the sight of the boy on the baseball pitch, bat in hand.

“Thanks.” Mark’s nose scrunches up and Donghyuck swears his cheeks take on a pink tint. “I hurt my ankle last year so I just stopped playing.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s all good. I got kinda bored of it anyway.”

He plops himself down on the couch and sets his bag at his feet, and Donghyuck takes that as his cue to finally relax and follow him. He sits beside him carefully, hyperaware of every creak the couch makes as he leans forward, elbows on his thighs, and watches Mark unzip his backpack to pull out a sticker-covered laptop and what looks like a tattered black glasses case.

He pops it open and does pull out a wire-framed pair of glasses that he slides onto his face, and Donghyuck thinks he could pass out right then and there. Mark doesn’t say anything, just lowers his eyebrows as he opens his laptop and clicks around a bit until a document appears on the screen, reflected in the round lenses.

He looks at Donghyuck with a proud smile and says, “This is what I have done.”

Donghyuck forces his eyes away from the sight of a spectacled Mark, and to the word document that faces them, bright white and empty. Not a single word. Donghyuck can’t help but snort a laugh and immediately covers his mouth as Mark giggles.

“Oh my god, this is going to be hopeless.” Donghyuck can feel Mark smiling at him, but he doesn’t dare to look for fear of his heart escaping his chest with how hard it’s beating.

“I promise I’m smart,” Mark says, a grin obvious in his voice. “I just need motivation.”

And so Donghyuck pulls his own computer forward to open it, so he can show Mark his own notes and at least get him caught up to where he is, to which the boy profusely thanks him with reddened cheeks. Donghyuck decides that spending time with Mark is far easier than he initially thought it would be, because in no time they’re talking back and forth about stupid things, like their teachers, what they had for lunch, and if they should order takeout because Mark might be here a while.

Donghyuck likes talking to him because his jokes always hit and leave Mark laughing so loudly that were it anyone else, he’d be annoyed. And it’s never awkward because Mark doesn’t seem to mind quiet but is also very good at filling it when it starts to last too long. He tells Donghyuck about how he learned to play the guitar, that his mother taught him piano, and how the other kids in middle school used to make fun of him for wanting to make music.

Because Mark was always friends with those cocky yet insecure sports boys, who liked to pick on anyone who was a little different. The look of distaste on his face made Donghyuck feel warm and comfortable.

Mark told him how he played soccer, basketball, and volleyball through school, and tried baseball when he got to university. He even pulled up team pictures on his phone to point himself out in each photo, and Donghyuck got to see how an awkward, gangly little boy with braces grew into someone who looked tall and proud (and handsome).

Soon their notes were forgotten, and Mark suggested they watch a movie or something instead since it’d be hard to do any work while they were eating, and Donghyuck’s stomach started to fill with nervous butterflies because when guys suggested that, it usually meant they wanted an excuse to sit closer to you, and maybe touch you, and sometimes even cuddle.

Donghyuck doesn’t want to get his hopes up, because Renjun’s words are still sitting uncomfortably in the back of his mind, and he has to admit, Mark does seem like the perfect, straight guy.

But he knows it’s not good to make that kind of assumption about anyone just based on how they look or act, so when they’ve settled on the couch with plates of pizza in hand, he crosses his legs and his knee rest on Mark’s leg. Just a little, so the contact is there. Almost like an invitation.

“What’s your favourite kind of movie?” Mark asks, and Donghyuck could cringe at the way he’s talking around a mouthful of food, a slice of pizza pointing at the screen.

“I love romance.”

“Cheesy.” Mark teases, before taking another inhumanly large bite.

“What about you?”

“I like action. And scary shit sometimes.” Mark mumbles, keeping his plate under his chin to catch any stray toppings that tumble from his pizza. “Have you ever seen Spiderman?”

“Yeah?” Donghyuck raises an eyebrow, because who hasn’t seen Spiderman? Tom Holland is another great example of his type—sweet, charming, and boyishly handsome.

“No, like Spiderman.” Mark swallows, looking very serious as he asks, and Donghyuck just blinks at him. “You know, the first one. Tobey Maguire? 2002….”

“I can’t say I have.” Donghyuck shakes his head, and Mark’s eyes go wide behind his glasses.

“Oh my god, I am about to change your life.”

Donghyuck highly doubts that’s true, but he doesn’t say anything because Mark seems so excited as he uses the remote to select the movie on Netflix, a giddy smile on his face, and the sight alone brings back those butterflies that make him feel kind of sick.

He has to admit, the movie isn’t all that great. It’s kind of corny, and he thinks the actors look too old for their characters, but Mark watches with the utmost focus while he works his way through about four pieces of pizza, occasionally looking at Donghyuck with excitement when something important happens, like he’s checking that he’s enjoying it as much as he is.

And after some time, it finally happens. Donghyuck almost doesn’t notice it at first, because he’s honestly gotten a little too engrossed in the movie, but Mark shifts closer on the couch until their arms are brushing, leaning into his just enough to let him feel the heat of another body beside him.

Donghyuck goes still, eyes flickering down to their legs that rest beside each other, before looking up at Mark with his lips parted in silent shock.

Mark turns to him and smiles sheepishly, and Donghyuck's heart starts to hammer.

“Sorry,” Mark whispers, and he’s so close that Donghyuck can count the little moles on his face. “It’s freezing in here. Your heat is kinda shit. No offence.”

Donghyuck just nods and goes back to the movie.

***

DECEMBER 11TH

Mark is not stinky. I just want to put that out there because Jeno and Chenle are both adamant that he’s gross, and he’s really not! He smells like soap and laundry, and I only know this because I sat next to him all Friday night and he smells great. Too great. It’s kind of intoxicating.

And I will admit that he’s kind of a gross eater, and makes a mess, but that’s just how some guys are, right? (Can you tell I’m skirting around the point of this entry? Because I am.)

I like this guy. Like I have a proper, embarrassing crush on him and it’s all his fault. He’s sweet and funny, and super fun to be around. He likes cool things, and he loves to talk about them, and not a single moment with him felt boring. Even when we were watching a movie that I didn’t care about. But here’s the thing—there’s no way he feels the same.

I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was leaning into the possibility a little. He practically snuggled up against me at one point, but then he said he was cold. Come on. COLD? So it sort of made my hope fizzle out pathetically. And the worst part is that I just can’t stop thinking about him, and the way he smiles at me. He’s so pretty it’s unfair.

And he does not STINK. Have I made myself clear?

***

The following Monday, Donghyuck finds himself explaining everything that happened to his friends. Right from the glasses to the almost cuddling, in unnecessary detail, because he’s just that giddy over all of it. Chenle listens with intense focus, not even bothering with his lunch in front of him, but Renjun seems a little more sceptical as he nods along with Donghyuck’s storytelling.

He’s a realist, Donghyuck knows that, but it does hurt a little bit when he tells him, “You’re reading too much into this, Hyuck. I think he’s just being friendly.”

“See? That’s the worst part. He’s just so friendly!” Donghyuck all but wails, slumping forward on the table as he remembers the way it felt to have the boy pressed up beside him. “He’s so nice, Renjun, I can’t tell if he likes me or not.”

“Well, obviously he likes you. He’s texted you since, right?” Chenle asks, offering out one of his cookies to Donghyuck, who takes it with a pout and nods.

“Yeah. Like a lot more, actually.”

“That’s good then!” He beams, and his innocent optimism is convincing enough to make Donghyuck nod again and pick himself back up.

Renjun just laughs a little with a shake of his head, like Donghyuck’s antics are amusing to him, before his eyes shift over somewhere else in the dining hall. Chenle doesn’t notice because he’s returned to his lunch, but Donghyuck can see how his brows scrunch up over his glasses as he’s nibbling at his cookie.

“What?” He asks, and Renjun points his chin behind Donghyuck.

“I think you have a visitor.”

Donghyuck whirls around on the bench just in time to come face to face with Mark, who’s crossing the cafeteria with something wrapped in tin foil in one hand, and a smile on his face. He gets closer and closer and closer until he’s standing right beside their table—in front of an open-mouthed Donghyuck.

“Hey!” He says happily, and Donghyuck swallows hard as he sets his cookie in front of himself and nods quickly.

“Hi. Hey.”

Chenle nearly chokes trying to snort back a laugh, but all Mark does is spare him a glance before looking back at Donghyuck.

“I didn’t know you eat in here. I’ve never noticed you guys.”

“We like to blend in,” Renjun says simply, and Mark lets out a giggle as he tosses his foil-wrapped food back and forth between his hands.

“Well, I found you. Mind if I sit?”

Donghyuck can’t say a single word. He can’t produce anything other than a nod, but that’s enough for Mark to click his tongue and playfully wink before sliding into the seat across from him. He’s back to dressing like Mark today, wearing navy blue sweatpants low on his waist and an old, grey gym shirt underneath a black and white flannel. He has a beanie tugged over his hair, and the way Chenle scrunches up his nose a little lets Donghyuck know that he probably smells like he just came from the gym.

It seems he did because he drops his half-zipped back onto the floor and a bunched up towel is sticking out. Donghyuck sends his friend a silent apology.

“Where do you usually eat lunch?” Renjun asks Mark as the boy is unwrapping what looks like a toasted sub sandwich.

“In my car half the time.” He sinks his teeth into the bread to take a bite. “It’s too cold now.”

Chenle is giving Mark the meanest side eye, blinking harshly as the boy catches some kind of sauce with his hand nonchalantly. He reaches down and wipes his fingers across his towel.

“You got lucky having lunch together.” He says matter of factly, taking another bite. “My friends are all busy when I get out of class.”

“Yeah, that’s why I can’t eat lunch with my boyfriend.” Renjun pouts dramatically, and Chenle rolls his eyes.

“Your boyfriend who you live with.”

“Who’s your boyfriend?” Mark asks, perking up in curiosity.

“Jeno.”

“No shit! You’re Renjun!” Mark says loudly as if this is the biggest surprise he’s had since he found out he and Donghyuck are studying the same thing. “He like, never shuts up about you.”

Renjun goes red in the face and ducks his head down at the same time Chenle groans.

“Do not inflate his ego any bigger.”

Mark snorts out a laugh and takes another bite of his sandwich before locking eyes with Donghyuck, who had definitely not been staring at him the entire time. He smiles politely—with his mouth closed, thank god—and seems to ponder on something for a second while he swallows.

Then, his whole demeanour goes shy as he asks, “Would it like, totally ruin the vibes if I asked to eat lunch here more often? I’m not kidding you, my car is freezing and I don’t want to sit by myself in here.”

Holy shit. Holy shit.

Donghyuck has been waiting for a moment like this—a moment where Mark took the reigns and it didn’t feel like Donghyuck was the only one wanting to spend time with the other. It makes him feel a little less pathetic, and he looks to his friends hopefully before spitting out his obvious answer (yes).

Renjun just shrugs, but Chenle opens his mouth before anyone else can speak.

“Only if you shower after the gym.”

Donghyuck thinks he could launch across the table and strangle his friend right then and there, but Mark scrunches up his nose like he’s about to laugh.

“Do I really smell that bad?” He lifts his shirt to his nose before frowning and finally letting out that laugh. “Dang. My bad, guys.”

***

Mark :)

Hey

What are u doing this weekend?

DONGHYUCK

probably schoolwork or something

exams coming up you know

Mark :)

Boringggg

Wanna do something?

DONGHYUCK

like what?

Mark :)

Idk

I was gonna suggest ice cream but it’s kinda cold lol

What about hot chocolate?

There’s this cool place just off campus

DONGHYUCK

that sounds fun :)

i’m down

Mark :)

Cool!

I can pick you up at 7

DONGHYUCK

cool! :)

***

At 7 PM on Saturday, Donghyuck is waiting in the foyer of his apartment building, bundled in his winter coat and hat waiting for Mark. He doesn’t know if Mark is walking or driving, or what kind of car he has, so he’s sort of just waiting for a text to let him know he’s here.

He was right, it is cold—way too cold to be outside—and the clouds above him in the darkened sky are an angry grey, letting him know that he’ll probably get snowed on before the end of the night.

Despite all of this, Donghyuck has never been more excited to go out in the cold in his entire life. He’s sure Renjun quickly got sick of his questions on whether or not this seemed like a date or not, but he couldn’t help it. Mark is just so confusing—or maybe that’s Donghyuck’s brain because the things he’s doing and saying are things friends do and say all the time. And Donghyuck is probably just blinded by his infatuation with the guy that he’s turning it into something it isn’t.

Whatever it is, it’s confusing as hell.

“Hey!” A familiar, muffled voice calls from outside the glass doors, and Donghyuck looks up to find Mark staring right back at him from the other side, a goofy grin on his face. He waves fast before his hands shove into the pockets of his coat, and Donghyuck can’t help the smile that curls onto his lips.

As he’s reaching down for the zipper on his coat before he ventures outside, he watches Mark as he huffs out a breath against the glass, fogging it up in front of his face. And his hand reappears, finger tracing out a little smiley face.

He peers around the fog, smiling just the same, and Donghyuck’s stomach twists up awfully because he’s pretty sure he’s at the point of no return now.

Once he’s outside Mark walks him to his car just up the block, and the first thing he does is open the passenger side door for him with the excuse that it sticks sometimes, and he’s bashed his own head off it before by accident.

Donghyuck’s stomach stays in knots as he’s climbing in and for the entire drive downtown, during which Mark keeps one hand on the wheel and the other on his own thigh, tapping rhythmically along with the quiet radio.

And Donghyuck does his very best not to stare despite how nice Mark looks, wearing the same blue jeans he wore the last time they hung out alone, and another crewneck sweater underneath his puffy winter coat. His hair isn’t covered like Donghyuck’s and is instead parted on his forehead, revealing rounded eyebrows that don’t seem to come out very often.

“You look cold,” Mark says, giving Donghyuck a quick glance as he reaches for a knob on the dash. “I can turn the heat up.”

Donghyuck just nods, because he doesn’t feel like he can speak. He needs to do some research as to whether the way he’s acting is normal, crush behaviour, or if there’s something seriously wrong with him. He’d believe either at this point.

Soon enough, Mark pulls up outside of what looks like a little cafe, lit by gentle, warm lights behind a big window. He feels kind of guilty for wondering how the hell someone like Mark found a place like this. (He fights the part of his brain that says he probably brought a girl here on a date).

“C’mon. You’re gonna love this.”

He opens the glass door to the cafe, once again letting Donghyuck go through with butterflies alive in his gut. So much so that he’s afraid he won’t be able to stomach anything he orders.

He stands elbow to elbow with Mark as they stare up at the menu, filled with ridiculous sounding drinks that are no doubt sickeningly sweet. Mark rocks on his heels, eyes squinting a little to read, before pointing up at the board.

“I usually get the white chocolate and cinnamon one. It’s nice.” He says as if that will help Donghyuck pick from at least a dozen drink choices in front of him. “I’ve heard the salted caramel one is good too. You get pretzels with it.”

“Can I try the same thing as you?” Donghyuck asks like he needs permission to make his order, and Mark just starts beaming.

“Yes! I promise you won’t be disappointed.”

Donghyuck doesn’t get to say another word before Mark is stepping up to the counter and orders two of the same drink with his debit card in hand. Donghyuck doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but he doesn’t usually pay for other people unless he’s on a date, or they talked about it beforehand.

As soon as Mark turns around, he says, “I could have paid for my own drink.”

Mark just smiles and waves him off with a nonchalant “Don’t worry about it.” And everything feels confusing again.

After a few moments of waiting, Mark retrieves both of their drinks, nestled in cute, winter-printed cups. He hands Donghyuck his, and leads him over to a table next to the window, giving them a perfect view of the street and the pedestrians passing by in coats and scarves, walking fast, holding hands, keeping their heads down.

Mark blows on his drink a little before asking, “How’d you do on that quiz?”

“Well.” Donghyuck mimics him, the scent of cinnamon filling his senses as he gets closer to the cup. “What about you? Did my help pay off?”

Mark’s lips curl up behind the rim of his lid. “I think you might be my good luck charm, Donghyuck.”

And if that doesn’t spark even more adoration in Donghyuck’s heart. He gives Mark a soft smile because he kind of can’t believe that he’s sitting here across from him, drinking hot chocolate and talking as if they’re on the edge of flirting. It’s a moment out of a dream, where Mark’s eyes are sparkling and Donghyuck feels warm from the inside out.

Mark goes on the ask him if he’d want to watch the next Spiderman movie with him because it was a lot of fun watching it together and he thinks Donghyuck will like it even more than the first. And of course, Donghyuck agrees, because why wouldn’t he want an excuse to spend more time with Mark? Even if he didn’t care about what they were watching. Hell, he’d watch the weather network with him if he asked him to.

Mark tells him about how he went as Spiderman for Halloween the year before, and how Donghyuck should totally go to the Halloween parties at school because they’re a blast. He tells him that he probably wouldn’t get along with his friends because even though they’re super nice, they’re just not into the same stuff as the two of them.

Mark does most of the talking for the hour or so that they’re there, and Donghyuck listens like a lovestruck fool. He finishes his hot chocolate before Mark does, and uses his hands to prop his head up instead while Mark talks about this song he made in class the other day, and how he wants to use it for something real. He’s got some lyrics laying around somewhere, he explains, and he thinks it would all fit together really well.

Donghyuck nods along, and he just keeps on smiling because it’s so interesting to see Mark so talkative when they’ve only hung out alone once, and otherwise just spent a few lunches together. He likes to think that it’s because Mark likes him—that he feels the same connection Donghyuck does when they’re together. The pulling that makes him want to do something stupid just to keep his attention on him.

Finally, Mark glances at his phone and he gasps in this dramatic, silly way that’s so amusing to Donghyuck. He giggles a little, leaning in to ask, “What?”

“I totally lost track of time. They close soon.” He glances behind himself at the counter sheepishly, before giving Donghyuck an apologetic smile. “I’ve talked your ear off, too. Sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry. I think you’re interesting.” Donghyuck tests the water, and Mark scoffs with a smile.

“Most people prefer to say weird.” He flickers his eyes over Donghyuck as he’s getting to his feet. “Wanna get out of here? They’re probably sick of us by now.”

Donghyuck nods and goes to stand, but without warning, Mark starts pulling his sweater over his head—right there in the middle of the cafe with no regard for anyone else (including Donghyuck, who gets a tiny peak at warm skin as the t-shirt he’s wearing underneath tugs up a little too. He forces himself to tear his eyes away from toned muscles and instead looks at Mark with the utmost confusion.

“What are you doing?”

“Here.” Mark says simply, shaking out his dishevelled hair and smiling as he passes the sweater across the table to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck just blinks at him, taking the soft, worn-out material in his hands as his throat seems to sinch up and mute his voice. He must look stupid, he thinks, sitting there with his mouth open and his eyes wide, not a single sound coming out of him. He’s getting sick and tired of always making a fool out of himself in front of Mark, but this might have to be an exception because the boy just gave him his sweater, for god’s sake.

Mark smiles, eyes flickering back down to Donghyuck’s torso. “You just spilt a little hot chocolate on your shirt.”

Donghyuck face drops as he looks down at himself, finding a dribble of white staining his chest, stark against the black fabric. His face goes hot and he immediately buries it away in the borrowed sweater he holds.

“Oh my god.”

“It’s fine!” Mark giggles, reaching across the table to pry his hands from his face. “These lids are shit. Trust me.”

Donghyuck, still trying to relish in the scent of laundry and light cologne that clings to Mark’s sweater, nods slowly, a pout playing on his lips because yeah, this whole embarrassing himself thing is getting too repetitive for his liking.

With a meek voice, he gets out, “Thanks, Mark.”

Mark’s eyes disappear with a smile. “Anytime! I’ve got you, man.”

***

DECEMBER 19TH

Well, I have officially hit rock bottom. I’m in love with Mark.

Kidding. Kind of.

He’s just so perfect to me. He took me on a hot chocolate date that was not actually a date, and I had the best time ever. It felt so intimate and warm because we sat at this little table right by the window, and he leaned in every time he talked to me, and because just before we left, he gave me his sweater!!!

Now you know me, and so you know I melted right into a sad, pathetic little puddle on the wood floor right then and there. And you know Mark, so you know he only did it to be nice, because I had spilt hot chocolate all over myself like an IDIOT. With the way I keep embarrassing myself around him, I don’t think he’d like me even if he did like boys.

But still, it felt a lot like a date. A real one, where if things were different, we might have kissed when he walked me to my apartment. And even though I know in the back of my mind that none of this is like that, I still have that little inkling of hope that maybe I’m wrong.

I have a plan. One last ditch attempt to see if he really does like me the way I like him. It’s bold, but it’s the only thing I can think of to get an answer. Wish me luck. Sigh.

***

“Do you want to go out with me?”

The question spills right out of Donghyuck’s mouth without a second thought as he’s walking alongside Mark in the corridor after lunch. It’s a random Wednesday, no reason to be making such big moves, but Donghyuck has been thinking about this for days. It’s straightforward, so there’s practically no way to misinterpret it, and he couldn’t think of a better time to ask than right now.

In reality, there are lots of better times to ask something like that, that don’t include when you’re walking with your friend to his friend’s classroom, and he has the straw to a paper cup of Coke in his mouth.

The second Donghyuck asks it he prepares himself for the worst. For surprise, rejection, and maybe even disgust. He expects Mark to choke on his drink, or spit it out right in front of him and ask if he’s crazy.

But none of that comes.

Mark bites down on the straw between pretty teeth and says, “Yeah! Sure!”

Donghyuck’s head whips around to look at the boy, who just stares at him through wide, fast-blinking eyes, cheeks tight with a smile.

“Really?” Donghyuck breathes out, and Mark shrugs.

“Duh. Tonight?”

Donghyuck almost trips over his own feet, breathless. “Yeah. Sure.”

***

DONGHYUCK

he said yes

LELE

you’re kidding

seriously

DONGHYUCK

i’m SERIOUS

HE SAID YES

WE’RE GOING OUT

RENJUN

what are you guys gonna do?

DONGHYUCK

i was thinking a night out for drinks and dinner maybe

LELE

it’s almost christmas and ur gonna do something BORING????

u suck

***

Donghyuck is outside Mark’s house at 6:30. The boy lives in one of those split levels, where multiple people are in the same house without actually being in the same house, and as he’s waiting in his car with the radio playing too loud, he starts wondering about what it’s like inside the boy’s house.

He probably has a roommate, given all the space, and he probably has a messy room. Donghyuck imagines clothes piled up in the hamper as an explanation as to why they’re constantly wrinkled, and school papers and books scattered across his desk. He pictures an unmade bed, and half opened curtains, and things shoved haphazardly into a closet because he’s too lazy to clean. He gets to wondering what kind of posters he’d have plastered all over his walls at the same time his phone buzzes.

Mark :)

Come inside real quick

Donghyuck starts to panic that Mark might be some kind of psychic as he’s letting himself out of his car and quickly walking up the drive toward the front door. He knocks on the door and it almost immediately swings open, a tall, wide-shouldered boy with a mouse-like face staring back at him.

“Oh. You must be Donghyuck.” He says, voice deep and small eyes wide with curiosity. “Mark’s in the kitchen.”

Donghyuck nods, stepping around the boy and into a surprisingly neat but undoubtedly boy-inhabited living room. There’s an old-looking blue couch in the middle of it, and a flat screen tv on a console table. There are plants here and there, and sports pendants on the wall, and Donghyuck finds himself smiling as he steps into the kitchen.

And there’s Mark, leaning against the cabinets behind a small island, a jar of peanut butter in his hand. He lights up when he sees Donghyuck, but his smile looks wary and apologetic.

“Sorry that I’m running late.” He says sheepishly, and Donghyuck takes in his appearance. Unshaven yet again, and wearing a grey t-shirt that he’s pretty sure has old sweat stains underneath the arms. “Jisung takes forever in the shower, and he misplaced his house key. So I can’t leave until he finds it.”

“That’s fine.” Donghyuck says, keeping himself snuggled tight in his winter coat. “I don’t mind waiting.”

Behind him, he can hear who he guesses is Jisung whizzing past him, and Mark shakes his head with a scoff as he delves a spoon into the plastic jar. And Donghyuck watches in utter confusion as Mark brings the spoon right to his mouth. Donghyuck has seen people eat peanut butter before, but not in whopping spoonfuls that must be unbearably sticky.

“It’s supposed to snow tonight.” Mark mumbles, pulling the spoon from his mouth.

“Yeah?” Donghyuck asks, watching his tongue clean the rest of the spoon.

“Mhmm,” Mark hums, before tossing it in the sink behind him. “Maybe we’ll see it. Wouldn’t that be pretty?”

“Yeah…” Donghyuck breathes out at the same time Jisung appears beside him, dangling a lanyard from his fingers.

“Found them. You’re free.”

Mark turns around with a grin. “Sweet.” Then his attention turns to Donghyuck. “Let me brush my teeth real quick and then we can go.”

And Donghyuck watches as he heads for the hall, revealing baggy grey sweatpants. He figures he’ll change too while he’s gone, maybe bring out those jeans he likes to wear, or some cargo pants, or something. Because sweatpants are his school clothes, and he only ever seems to wear jeans when he’s with Donghyuck. It’s kind of an honour, he thinks, and the thought brings a smile to his face.

Maybe, just maybe, Mark is trying to impress him.

“Okay, let’s go.” Mark’s voice calls, and he emerges from the hallway with a hoodie on, still wearing the same pants.

Donghyuck can feel his whole plan start to crumble around him as his face falls, and Mark immediately takes note. His eyebrows furrow up, giving Donghyuck a once over before he seems to notice what he’s wearing. A pair of tight, black jeans and leather boots, and a printed, short-sleeved button up shirt that hugs his torso in just the right ways.

“Wow. You look…really nice.” He says softly, and Donghyuck begins to feel stupid for the umpteenth time. “I thought you just meant we’d grab like, takeout. Or catch a movie or something.”

Donghyuck can feel his throat get tighter as the back of his nose starts to burn. It’s stupid and embarrassing, and he’s trying way too hard for a boy who can’t even seem to get a hint. Who sees “wanna go out with me?” as nothing but another hangout With sweatpants and hoodies and no effort whatsoever. And it’s selfish of Donghyuck to think this way because Mark owes him nothing. Mark has done nothing to lead him on. Donghyuck just gets way too stuck in his own head, His own wants.

Selfish.

“No, I—” Donghyuck has to swallow hard to steady his wavering voice, and he feels like the biggest fool in the world as he lies through his teeth. “I did mean that. I just…had something to do with Renjun beforehand. I didn’t have time to change.”

Mark blinks at him like he’s not convinced, but Donghyuck smiles at him.

He smiles like his heart isn’t breaking into little pieces in his chest because all he wants is for Mark to notice him. To see right through his pathetic lie and realize that Donghyuck likes him so much that it hurts. That he can watch him eat peanut butter off a spoon and still feel the need to kiss him right then and there.

To realize that Donghyuck just wants him.

Mark just smiles right back and giggles. “It’s fine! You’ll just be the coolest looking person there.”

Donghyuck laughs weekly and lets Mark hit his shoulder with his hand as he walks him to the front door.

***

DECEMBER 23RD

I’m an idiot. I’m the biggest, stupidest idiot on the entire planet, I think.

He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t see me as anything other than his friend and I just feel so stupid for thinking otherwise. I asked him out, and he came wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. And I dressed up so nicely and did my makeup and everything just to start crying the second I got home.

I hate when I do this. I hate when I fall for guys who don’t feel the same way about me. I don’t even know why I fell for Mark in the first place. He’s practically wearing a giant flashing sign above his head that says I’M FRIENDZONING YOU. I could have seen this coming from a mile away.

And that’s the worst part of it all, I think. We’re friends. He’s one of my closest friends right now and so I see him all the time. I mean, with winter break and everything at least I can get some space.

But I don’t want that. I just want him.

Sigh.

***

“Donghyuck, you are not allowed to be sad on Christmas.” Renjun says, walking past the couch and smacking Donghyuck upside the head.

It’s a little funny, because Renjun is wearing this goofy sweater with bobbles and bells on it, and a pair of antlers on his head, so it’s incredibly hard to take him seriously. But Donghyuck doesn’t laugh, and it’s an equally silly sight to see him sulking on the couch in a stupid sweater of his own and matching antlers.

“I’m not sad.” He says, glaring up at his friend from under his eyebrows as he’s setting a mug of hot chocolate on the coffee table.

“You are.” Chenle kicks him from the other end of the couch where he lies, eyes on his phone instead of the Christmas movie on the tv. “You look like you could burst into tears at any moment.”

“I’m fine.” Donghyuck groans, flopping back on the couch.

He is certainly, not fine. He feels like he’s been punched in the gut a hundred times, and in his opinion, the holidays just make rejection and loneliness even worse. Every movie is about joy, love, and coming together, and Donghyuck feels like all of that was taken away from him. And it’s his own fault because he built up Mark to be this perfect, dream guy who would fall in love with him as the snow falls outside when in reality he’s just some guy who likes to hang out with him.

Pathetic. It’s the only word he can come up with the describe his predicament.

“Why would he be sad?” Jeno asks, emerging from the kitchen with a couple more mugs in hand. Poor, innocent Jeno who’s been spared most of Donghyuck’s rambling. He has no idea that his friend has ruined the holidays for him.

“I’m not sad.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes, and Jeno settles into the armchair with a frown, as if even he can see through his bullshit.

“Well, you seem miserable if anything.” He says and beckons Renjun over to join him. Which he does, sitting across his legs and snuggling right up next to him with a hum.

And Donghyuck feels sick because he just keeps picturing having something like that with Mark. He can see it, the way Mark would tug his arm so he’d fall right into him, and giggle in that bubbly way that sounds uncontrollable. And Donghyuck would cuddle close, nuzzling his nose to Mark’s cheek and would complain that Mark needed to shave. But it wouldn’t really matter, because he’d kiss him anyway.

“Yeah. We need to cheer him up.” Chenle grumbles, like Donghyuck’s unhappiness is burdening him. “And I don’t think my gift is good enough to do that.”

“I’ll like your gift no matter what.” Donghyuck pouts, and Renjun starts laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of all of this.

“You’ll be fine, Donghyuck. Seriously.”

Donghyuck knows he’s right. An unrequited crush is not the end of the world, but in the moment it sure as hell feels like it. He’ll get over it, and he’ll find someone new to throw all of his attention to, and he’ll repeat this cycle like he never learns from his mistakes.

“Hey! I have an idea.” Jeno announces suddenly, and Donghyuck barely reacts because Jeno has no clue what’s going on, and probably has no clue how to fix it. “Let’s go to a New Year’s party next week. I’m sure there’s gonna be a few on campus. That should get your mind off things for a little while at least.”

Donghyuck likes that idea. He really likes that idea, because he can drown his sorrows in cheap liquor and strangers’ mouths if he so pleases. It might not be the best way to deal with his feelings, but it’s something. A temporary bandaid for his sorry heart.

“I’m in.”

***

DECEMBER 31ST

I hate this. I’m miserable. I don’t want to go.

I just want to wallow in self pity, alone.

Wish me luck. I could use it. I don’t think I have any right now.

***

Donghyuck is being the worst party-goer in the entire world, he thinks. To start, he’s miserable. He’s not having any kind of fun because Renjun is all wrapped up in Jeno beside him, and Chenle is nowhere to be found because he knows everyone, and had to get dragged off by a group of boys Donghyuck has never even seen.

Donghyuck honestly hasn’t been to a party in a long time, so maybe he just forgets what to do. It’s the first party he’s been to as the third wheel to Renjun and Jeno, and so the person he usually occupies himself with is taken by someone else.

They’re both encouraging him to go find someone to talk to or dance with, but Donghyuck figures they just want him out of their hair so they make out or something. He can’t blame them either, because who wants a miserable guy sulking next to you at a party?

“There was a really cute guy standing in the front foyer when we got here.” Renjun says absentmindedly like he isn’t intentionally trying to get rid of Donghyuck and his permanent frown. “You should go find him.”

“I didn’t see him.” Donghyuck mumbles, watching the little bubbles in his drink float up to the surface and pop one by one. “And I don’t really care.”

“It’s New Year’s Eve, and you aren’t even going to try and hook up with someone?”

“Not even a kiss?” Jeno tacks on, and Donghyuck shrugs dismally.

“Oh my god, who are you?” Renjun groans, chucking a piece of candy at Donghyuck, who just lets it hit his hair and clatter to the kitchen floor.

“Fine.” He whines back, swallowing back a mouthful of sweet liquor as Renjun pelts him with another piece of candy. “If you’ll leave me alone, I’ll go out there and look. Look.” Donghyuck emphasizes the fact that he is not actively searching for some random guy to play with for the night.

But he leaves out the fact that it’s Mark's fault.

It’s Mark’s fault because he’s eating away at Donghyuck’s mind like a parasite. He can’t get him off it, no matter how many drinks he has, or how many other guys he looks at. Renjun just makes it worse, he thinks, because Jeno loves him like he created the world. He looks at him with so much admiration that it aches—even when he’s doing something as simple as struggling to unwrap taffy.

His big hands pry it from Renjun, and he giggles lightly as he does it for him before placing it on the boy’s tongue. And Donghyuck can’t watch any longer. He climbs to his feet and abandons them without a word, ducking out of the kitchen and into a living room that’s alive with conversations over loud music.

He’s never been bad at talking to people, but he’s never been great either. If a guy is attractive enough, he’ll get all clammy and stumble over his words until he falls flat on his face, and the guy usually laughs and steps over him and leaves him behind to find someone better. And the worst part is, as Donghyuck is looking around, there’s not a single person in the living room worth that kind of embarrassment.

It’s just filled with guys talking way too loud to make themselves the center of attention, wearing ugly acid-wash jeans, too-tight track pants, or shirts with nothing but brand names splashed across the front. And Donghyuck feels selfish for not looking past the surface level, but he has to admit that it plays a big part in first impressions. He’s not going to talk to someone who makes him roll his eyes when he looks at them.

He sweeps his eyes over the room again, like he’s subconsciously looking for someone in particular.

And there he is.

Across the living room, Donghyuck can see Mark, standing with a group of guys with a beer in his hand. He has a blue flannel shirt over top a white tee, and those damned blue jeans that fit him so well, and Donghyuck can’t even stand to look at him.

He catches his roommate’s eye, and the boy leans in to say something to Mark. Mark looks over with a smile on his face but Donghyuck drops his eyes as soon as they meet him. He doesn’t wait to see if Mark’s smile has dropped, or if he’s coming over, he just clutches his drink a little tighter in his hand and speed walks out of the room. He’s back in the kitchen, and Renjun is still sitting at the table feeding candy to his boyfriend in such a sweet way that Donghyuck can feel it rotting his teeth.

He hates it. He hates it so much because all of this stupidity with his crush is making him resent his best friend for being able to find what he’s been looking for. For having exactly what Donghyuck wants in life. It’s just so unfair, he thinks. He deserves it just as much, and he thought he was so close to getting it.

He slumps onto a stool at the island, next to Jeno, and announces, “He’s here.”

“Who’s here?” Jeno tucks a Jolly Rancher into his cheek and frowns, spinning in his seat to watch Donghyuck swish his drink around in the can.

“Mark?” Renjun answers for him, and Donghyuck doesn’t even care. He just stares down at the cup in his hands with disdain.

“Of course, Mark is here.” Jeno sounds just as confused as he looks, glancing between both boys. “He’d never pass up a party. Why is that…bad?”

Donghyuck falls forward and rests his face on the cool countertop, nose pressed to granite with a sigh. Jeno reaches over and pats the back of his head delicately as Renjun says,

“He friend-zoned him. Like, a lot.”

“Oh…”

Donghyuck heaves himself back up again and swallows back the rest of his drink, letting Jeno’s hand slide down his back slowly. He doesn’t want to leave the kitchen for fear of running into Mark again, but he also doesn’t want to sit here and wallow in self-pity while his best friend is all over his boyfriend right beside him.

“It’s fine. Do you know where Chenle went? I could use another drink.” Donghyuck crushes his cup and pushes his shoulders back, glancing at his friends as he waits for an answer.

Neither boy looks convinced that it’s fine (probably because it isn’t), so Donghyuck just gets to his feet and decides he’ll go find Chenle on his own. He leaves the kitchen again and remembers just how loud and full it is in the house and cringes a little as he squeezes his way between sweaty, compressed bodies to try and get to the back door.

He can feel the bass thumping through his whole body as he shuffles around clusters of people, and when the screen door is in sight he makes a beeline for it. He can see Chenle and a few other kids leaning against the fence, laughing at something, and he sees it as his escape.

He’s nearly there when he hears his voice being called from across the room.

“Donghyuck!”

He freezes in his step, head turning to find Mark darting around people to get to him, a wide smile on his face and his drink still in hand.

“Hey!” He calls again, and Donghyuck fully turns around with an awkward smile. “I didn’t know you were coming! Why didn’t you tell me?”

He comes to a stop in front of Donghyuck, catching his breath as his free hand runs through his hair and his smile never falters. And Donghyuck feels impossibly guilty because he has no reason to be avoiding Mark other than his hurt feelings. It’s not fair to the boy, because as far as he knows, nothing is wrong.

“Last minute decision.” Donghyuck lies and shifts his eyes anywhere but Mark’s own. They’re too wide—too soft and hazy with tipsiness—and he can’t bear to look. He knows he’ll fall right back in and somehow embarrass himself yet again. He’s probably at the point where if he drank enough, he’d confess right to Mark’s face.

“Well, it’s cool that you’re here.” Mark switches his beer into his other hand. “Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.” He brings the bottle to his lips and takes a swig, and Donghyuck hates the way his eyes travel to his throat, watching it bob with a swallow.

It feels sinful, gross, forbidden even.

“Wanna come hang out with me and my friends?” Mark motions over his shoulder to the crowd, and Donghyuck honestly couldn’t make a single person in it. “I promise, they’re cool.”

Donghyuck blinks at him, before glancing over his shoulder at the back door.

“I’d love to, but I, uh…have to use the washroom. And find my friend to ask him something.” He can see the way Mark’s expression falters just slightly. If he wasn’t attuned to every little part of his face, he wouldn’t have even noticed. “Maybe I’ll catch you later, though?”

Mark nods fast, planting that smile back on his face. “Yeah. Sure.”

Without another word, Donghyuck turns and opens the back door. He doesn’t look behind him to see if Mark watched him go, and he doesn’t even go over to Chenle and his friends. In fact, he rounds the house the opposite way and heads for the street. He doesn’t want to be at this party anymore. He doesn’t want to see his in-love best friend, or his perfect boyfriend, or Mark and his pretty face. He doesn’t want to drink anymore, wait for midnight, or sit there and wonder which stranger would be willing to kiss him to distract him from Mark for just a little while.

Donghyuck wants to go home. He wants to throw himself in bed like a dramatic teenager, scream into his pillow, and furiously write all of his overflowing feelings into the pages of his journal. He wants to embrace his hurt, to really feel it for all that it’s worth so maybe it will leave him alone.

Donghyuck wants Mark, but not like this.

He doesn’t know how long it takes him to walk home from the party, but by the time he’s entering his apartment his hands are cold and his feet are sore, and his eyes are stinging with tears. It’s dark inside, and he doesn’t even bother turning on any lights as he crosses the hall to get to his room, wedging off his shoes on the way.

He shuts his door and pulls out his phone, and he finds a few texts from his friends because he forgot to tell them that he was leaving.

RENJUN

hey, where are you?

CHENLE

i can’t find you, dude

i wanted to give you the rest of your drinks

i’m too lazy to keep carrying them around LOL

RENJUN

seriously hyuck where are you?

i’m kinda worried

Donghyuck sends them all a message explaining that he’s home, and he can’t help but wonder if Mark noticed that he disappeared. He wants to punch himself for that one because that’s such a stupid thing to think.

He flops onto his bed and stares at the ceiling, and wills his brain to stop. To just give this whole obsession thing a rest because it’s not doing him any good. And he isn’t sure if the alcohol or his sadness is eating away at his perception of time, because he loses himself in the reflections of streetlights and headlights that splash over his ceiling for god knows how long before his phone rings.

It starts buzzing in his back pocket, and he almost doesn’t bother fishing it out. But curiosity gets the better of him, and he sits up so he can answer it. His eyes catch his clock first, and he’s baffled by the fact that it’s nearing 12:30 in the morning, and a whole new year began while he was sinking into his mattress like it was his own grave.

Then, he drops his eyes to his phone and sees the name staring back at him.

Mark :)

Donghyuck does not answer. He stares at the screen until it goes away and he feels like he can breathe again. His screen goes dark for a few seconds before a voicemail notification pops up. He doesn’t even get a chance to listen to it before his phone is ringing again and Mark’s name is back.

Donghyuck’s finger trembles as he slides it across the screen to answer this time, and he quickly brings the phone to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Hyuck. Happy new year.” Mark’s voice sounds through the speaker, quiet, slow, and slurred, but Donghyuck can’t pay any mind to that because Mark just called him Hyuck. He’s never called him any kind of nickname, and Donghyuck almost starts crying again because this hurts so goddamn much.

“Hi, Mark.”

“Did you leave? I haven’t seen you. I was looking for you when everyone was doing the countdown but I couldn’t find you.”

He was looking for him.

Donghyuck swallows hard and nods, even though the boy can’t see him. “Yeah. I left.”

“Where’d you go?” Mark asks, and Donghyuck is pretty sure he can hear the pout in his voice.

“Home. I wasn’t feeling great, so I—”

“Why are you avoiding me?”

These are nightmarish circumstances, Donghyuck thinks. Because not only has Mark caught on to everything, but his voice is so low and deep over the phone that it’s making his heart beat like crazy, and he definitely sounds like he’s lying as he squeaks out,

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.” Mark whines, and he sounds so unlike himself at this moment that Donghyuck takes a second to wonder if he’s being pranked. If one of Mark’s friends somehow found out about Donghyuck’s crush and got ahold of his phone. “You kept trying to get away from me. And you’ve barely answered my texts for a while now.”

Donghyuck swallows hard because a prank would be easier to handle than this. And he knows this isn’t some kind of joke.

“It’s not fair, Donghyuck.” Mark’s voice stays whiny like he’s a child throwing a tantrum. “I saw you come in tonight and I just wanted to talk to you for a while. Hang out, like we usually do. Did I do something wrong?”

“No, Mark. You—“

“I just want you to like me.”

“What?”

There’s a bit of shuffling on the other end of the line before Mark lets out a pathetic little sniffle.

“Are you crying?”

“No, I just…” Mark trails off, and Donghyuck can hear the faint thumping of music in the background, giving away that Mark is still at that party. So maybe he’s not crying—maybe he’s just a whiny drunk. “I saw you, and you looked so good. You always look so good, and it’s not fair because I feel like I can’t keep up with you and it’s embarrassing.”

Donghyuck avoids the stammering of his heart to ask quietly, “What are you talking about?”

What else would you ask the guy you like when he drunkenly says you look good all the time? Something normal, like thank you might suffice, but Donghyuck has strayed miles away from normal at this point.

“You looked so sad tonight, but you still looked so pretty.” Mark practically whispers, in a dreamy, airy way like he’s lost in his thoughts. “I get so nervous whenever I see you, and when we hang out I just want to kiss you so damn badly. You have no idea, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck doesn’t say a word. Unbeknownst to Mark, he knows that feeling all too well, and he can’t fully believe that he’s hearing something like that from him. From Mark, who has treated everything they’ve done like they’re nothing more than friends. Who’s left Donghyuck a yearning, emotional, dramatic mess who can’t tell his heart and brain apart.

“I figured you just wanted to be friends because what guy like you would want a guy like me?”

Donghyuck doesn’t even breathe before blurting, “Me, you idiot!”

He covers his mouth with his hand like he’s admitted it to an audience full of people instead of his bedroom walls. And there’s silence on both ends of the phone—a tightrope over open water that neither dares to take the treacherous first step on. Donghyuck is used to letting his impulses win at night, because the water is dark and reflects the moon, and he can’t see how deep the bottom is.

He just sees himself, staring back with so much blind hope.

Finally, after what feels like enough time for rust to grow, Mark lets out a giggle. A simple, soft giggle that sounds like relief.

“You know, you could have told me that before I started crying in this bathroom.”

And Donghyuck lets out a laugh that’s mostly air because for the first time in forever he feels like he can breathe. He falls back on his bed, letting his head bounce against the mattress as a smile curls onto his face because Mark is still giggling like he just can’t help it. Like he’s filled with the same innocent giddiness that’s overtaken Donghyuck for weeks now.

Like everything is falling right into place.

“So,” Donghyuck bites his lip, trying so hard to suppress a grin. “You think I’m pretty?”

“Oh my god, I’m hanging up now.”

“You said it, not me.”

“Goodnight Donghyuck.”

“Goodnight Mark.”

***

JANUARY 5TH

Well, I did it. I don’t know how, but I did it. He likes me. He called me on the phone and he told me he likes me. And I know it wasn’t just an impulsive, drunken moment, because he texted me in the morning and told me he meant it. This is the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me.

I listened to that voicemail he left me, and I almost started crying. He was talking in this stupid voice and just kept saying my name. Like, “Donghyuck. Donghyuck. Hyuck. Hey. Please pick up. I wanna talk to you. Pleeeeease.” Seriously, it was the goofiest, but cutest thing ever.

I haven’t actually seen him since that party, because he went home to stay with his parents for a while, and they live out of town, but school starts back up again soon so I’m hoping to catch him in the hall or something. Unless he wants to see me beforehand. I don’t really know what happens after a confession. I’ve never actually gotten that far.

It feels like a weird limbo, where we know we like each other but nothing is happening. It’s suspended in the air, waiting for someone to grab it and take charge. I hope it’s him because honestly, I still can’t believe this is all real.

***

Donghyuck is definitely going to be late for his next class.

Waiting in the hall doesn’t help, he thinks, because the clock just keeps ticking closer and closer to when he should be sitting down in his seat across the building, but he doesn’t really care today. Any second now, the door down the hall should be opening, and he’s waiting for a boy wearing bright red track pants to emerge from it.

He knows what he’s wearing because he saw it on his Instagram story in the morning; a picture of his track pants and shoes with a tired emoji on the screen and some song Donghyuck would never listen to playing over it. Like magic, Donghyuck hears the doorknob click.

There’s a rumbling of voices as students start to leave the classroom, and Donghyuck waits patiently with his head down like he’s on his phone. He has to admit, he’s nervous to see Mark because he doesn’t know how different everything will feel. If it’ll be awkward now, or if Mark will even want to talk about what happened over the break. For some reason, Donghyuck still can’t quite believe it wasn’t all a joke.

“See you later, man!” A voice calls and Donghyuck glances up in time to catch Mark’s eye.

He’s adjusting his backpack as he leaves the room, but he stops moving the second he sees him, leaving a few people to almost bump into him from behind. It brings a sick feeling to Donghyuck’s stomach, because he can’t quite tell what the look on Mark’s face means, and he isn’t sure if catching him off guard like this was a bad idea.

But then, a familiar smile starts to grow on Mark’s face, and he breaks eye contact to quickly fix his toque as he walks over to Donghyuck. And he doesn’t think he’s imagining the blush that appears on his cheeks. His smile is giddy, sweet and shy, and he’s clearly trying to hide it as he stops in front of Donghyuck and keeps shifting his eyes around like he just can’t bear to look at him.

But Donghyuck is staring, head tilted to watch Mark as he slides his hand across his jaw, tongue pushing against his cheek.

“Hey.” Donghyuck greets him softly, feeling like his shoulders are digging into the wall because Mark is unusually close to him.

And Donghyuck can’t take it anymore. He can’t even bother to hide the way his eyes continuously flicker to Mark’s mouth, wanting so desperately to find out if it’s soft, if it’s gentle, what it tastes like.

Mark must notice, because his smile slowly disappears, and he gets this cloudy-eyed look on his face as he tilts his head a little lower, like he’s inviting Donghyuck to finally take the plunge with him.

“Hi,” He breathes out, filling the space between them with the scent of toothpaste, and his eyebrows jump like he’s asking for permission.

“Hi.” Donghyuck whispers back and he dares to let his fingers wander out to touch Mark’s arm, grazing over the fabric of his oversized hoodie. And that’s all it takes.

Mark lays a hand on Donghyuck’s jaw, guiding him into a kiss that feels so overdue it nearly hurts. He slots their lips together like he’s had years of practice to make them fit perfectly, and sure, the hallway of the music wing probably isn’t the most romantic place to have your first kiss with someone, especially when there are still students filtering by (and staring). But Donghyuck can’t bring himself to care—not when Mark pulls himself closer so their bodies touch, and he lets out a gentle hum into Donghyuck’s mouth.

When he pulls away, and Donghyuck opens his eyes, he’s almost positive he was dreaming. That he’ll see nothing but an empty hallway ahead of him, or that Mark will be staring at him in confusion because all he did was say hello. But Mark is in front of him, his hand still warm on his skin, and his lips are parted with innocent pleasure.

“Sorry,” He whispers, blinking fast as if he can’t see straight before he lets out an airy giggle. “That was kind of weird.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes and slumps back against the wall, keeping his fingers wrapped around Mark’s arm like he still needs confirmation that he’s there.

“You just looked really pretty. And I’d been thinking about you all break, and I just couldn’t—”

“You talk a lot,” Donghyuck says with a teasing smile, and Mark leans back in with his lip between his teeth.

“Sorry,” He mumbles. “Is this better?”

He kisses him again, and Donghyuck has a whole new reason to be obsessed with him. (And his journal will definitely be hearing about this later).

“Much better.”

Mark pulls back with his hand still on Donghyuck’s jaw, and he gives it a gentle stroke—almost like he can’t believe he’s real. And it’s kind of funny to Donghyuck because he’s still not fully convinced that he didn’t make Mark up. Or that this isn’t some horrible scheme someone came up with just to hurt his feelings. He didn’t think Mark would ever be in disbelief at how Donghyuck feels.

He’s been walking around with a sign that says “I HAVE A GIANT, EMBARRASSING CRUSH ON YOU” since the moment he met him.

Mark’s hand falls from his skin, and he licks his lips as he finally tears his eyes away, nose scrunching up in that way it does when he feels awkward.

“So, wanna grab lunch?” He asks, one hand clinging to his backpack strap while the other dangles between them, ever so slightly brushing his fingers with Donghyuck’s.

“It’s like 10:30.” Donghyuck scoffs because it seems like Mark has picked up on how not to have a conversation with the guy you like. He’s seen it enough from Donghyuck to be an expert by now.

“Brunch?” Mark smiles hopefully, and with a fond roll of his eyes, Donghyuck nods.

“Sure.”

Mark smiles at him so softly, before seeming to think for a moment. His lips pout and his eyes flicker down before he cautiously links their hands together. Like underneath his nonchalant confidence, he’s just as nervous as Donghyuck. Donghyuck gives his a squeeze and feels Mark relax beside him.

“Wait.” He stops, his hand still in Donghyuck’s, and turns to look at him with his eyes narrowed. “Don’t you have class?”

Donghyuck raises his brows right back. “Don’t you?”

They stare at each other for a moment, and it’s silly because this is what makes all those weeks of pining feel worth it. A shared stare in the hallway while Mark is pursing his lips to try not to laugh, and Donghyuck’s heart is trying to escape his ribs. It’s so simple but so rewarding.

“I forgot my laptop anyway.” Mark shrugs, and Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

“I thought I was your good luck charm?”

“You are. If I hadn’t forgotten it, I wouldn’t have an excuse to skip.” Mark swings their arms and grins, in a cunningly handsome way.

“You’re a dork.”

“I think you like it.”

***

Donghyuck has never been to the campus gym before. He’s never really needed to because he doesn’t think working out is all that fun. He likes to go on walks when the weather is nice, and sometimes he follows Renjun to the studio to dance for fun. But he’s not a deadlift, benchpress kind of guy.

If he’s being honest, he didn’t even know where it was and he had to text Renjun to ask. Which was pretty embarrassing because Renjun knew exactly why he was asking and proceeded to tease him about it until Donghyuck threatened to block him.

Even though he was right, and Donghyuck was only daring to venture to the building to meet Mark, who was supposed to go out with him for dinner that evening (as in a real date, this time). But hey, can you blame him for wanting to see him post-workout, in his loose tank top with his hair all messy and damp?

When Donghyuck enters the gym, he has no idea where to look for Mark. There are dim lights, and machines everywhere, and students scattered across foam carpet, headphones on, water bottles in hand. His eyes scan the room, and they finally land on a pair of boys who are sharing what looks like a handshake.

He recognizes Jeno first, his broad shoulders and stark black hair that’s shoved back off his forehead with a headband. He steps around a shorter boy and disappears to another room, giving Donghyuck a perfect view of Mark.

He adjusts his bag and crosses the room, watching the boy fountain water into his mouth from a big, sticker-covered metal bottle with a dent on one side. His shirt is stuck to his chest, and his hair has started to curl on his forehead. Donghyuck picks up the pace.

“Hey!” Mark calls, taking notice of him with wide, surprised eyes that hold so much joy that it makes Donghyuck’s heart swell. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to pick you up.” Donghyuck drops his bag onto the floor the second he’s in front of Mark so he can slide his arms around his neck instead, drawing himself closer for a kiss.

“Don’t,” Mark mumbles against his lips, hands cradling his waist gently. “I’m gross right now.”

“But you look so good.” Donghyuck whines, pushing forward despite the dampness on Mark’s t-shirt and the clamminess on the back of his neck. Because Mark looks so good like this, with his hair a mess and every bump and curve on his body visible.

Donghyuck is still trying to learn all of him, but he knows that a simple push on the back of his neck is enough for him to give in. And he’s quickly come to learn that Mark kisses like a boy. Hard and desperate and sometimes with a little too much enthusiasm that makes their teeth knock together.

But Donghyuck doesn’t really care, because by some miracle Mark is kissing him.

“You know you’re in public, right?” Jeno’s voice is teasing as he reappears, towel around his neck and a look of mock disgust on his face.

Donghyuck sticks his tongue out at him over Mark’s shoulder, considering this payback for the number of times he’s had to watch him and Renjun all over each other like there was no one else in the world.

Donghyuck can’t really blame him for that, because every time Mark looks at him he feels like he’s floating, up in space where no one can reach him. Time stops, and his heart flutters like crazy, and he sometimes he still has to pinch himself to make sure he isn’t dreaming.

“I’ve waited a while for this, give me a break, Jen.” Mark rolls his eyes, letting his arms slide away from Donghyuck’s body (much to his dismay). (But the look of them crossing over his chest makes it worth it).

“You should have just told him right away.” Jeno says simply, bending down to pick up his water bottle, wet hair toppling into his eyes. “He was whining about you forever, dude.”

“What?”

“Jeno!” Donghyuck hisses, like Mark didn’t already hear him. “I trusted you.”

“What? You’re practically together now. What does it matter?”

What matters, is the fact that Mark is looking at Donghyuck with this ridiculously cocky look on his face, his brows raised high on his face and his tongue in his cheek. Like one of those boys who make relentless teasing a flirting tactic. Donghyuck could melt, but he won’t give Mark that satisfaction.

“You were obsessed with me?” Mark asks, and before Donghyuck can say anything to defend himself (even though his friends and the pages of his journal would come to testify against him), Jeno butts back in.

“Don’t act like you weren’t head over heels the moment you saw him.”

“He was what?”

Donghyuck whirls around to face his friend at the same time Mark is punching him in the arm, but Jeno barely flinches.

“Dude, c’mon.” Mark whines, throwing his head back as Donghyuck grins, a familiar fluttering growing in his stomach.

Mark had a crush on him.

Mark was just as pathetic as he was.

“I can’t believe you didn’t notice.” Jeno giggles, tossing his towel at Mark. “The man bought jeans, for God’s sake.”

“Jeno—”

“He messaged the group chat freaking out because you wanted to hang out with him and you ‘dressed really cool. Like super nice. Everything fits him so well, and—’”

“Jeno!”

“He kept trying all of these embarrassing ways to get your attention but you were so oblivious. Watching his favourite movie, giving you his sweater…eventually he just kind of gave up.”

Mark chucks the towel back at Jeno, and Donghyuck is amused to see him red in the face as he shoves a cap backward on his head. Sure, it’s equally as embarrassing that Donghyuck couldn’t pick up a single hint, and instead jumped ship every time Mark was flirting with him because he simply couldn’t believe it. But something about knowing Mark was trying so hard for him is heartwarming.

And worth teasing.

“That’s so cute.” He coos, taking Mark’s sharp, unshaven jaw in his hand and wiggling his head back and forth. The boy just pouts at him, unamused. “You really liked me.”

Mark rolls his eyes as Jeno snickers, and Donghyuck freezes for a moment. His head turns to look at Jeno, and he narrows his eyes as he realizes something.

“Wait a minute…” Jeno’s eyes go puppy dog wide as Donghyuck points his chin at him. “You knew the entire time, and you didn’t tell me?”

He watches as Jeno’s whole face falls, and he’s positive that he knows he’s in deep shit. He just hurries to grab his gym bag and gives the two of them an awkward laugh as he nods to his phone.

“I’ve gotta go, I’m meeting Renjun for dinner. Bye!”

Like a flash of lightning, he’s gone. Donghyuck groans, dragging his hand down Mark’s chin before he lets go because he can’t believe no one told him that Mark was into him. It’s a crime really, he thinks, to let your friend go on in such a hopeless way, yearning into the pages of their diary like a teenage girl with a hallway crush.

He could kill his friends, he thinks.

“So, we were both kind of idiots, huh,” Mark says, pulling his hoodie over his head, and he pops out of it with a sheepish smile. “Sorry. For not saying anything.”

“Hey, you confessed. If you hadn’t, I never would have.”

“Why not?” Mark hoists his gym bag over his shoulder and offers out his hand to Donghyuck, who takes it even though it’s still hot and clammy with sweat.

“Honestly, I was kind of convinced you were straight.”

Mark scoffs at that, squeezing Donghyuck’s hand as he leads him through the gym. And the moment is so tender because they’re surrounded by people who seem just like Mark—strong, confident, cocky, unattainable—the list goes on. So many things lead Donghyuck to believe that Mark is special because he’s the only one willing to hold his hand in a crowded gym.

To swing it back and forth, and smile at him like he can’t believe he’s real. To take him on pizza dates, help him study, and distract him from studying because he can’t keep his hands off of him now that he has him.

And Donghyuck has Mark.

Mark is tall, and Mark is loud, and his hair is either a little too long or a little too short. Mark seems like he hasn’t bought new shoes in years, and he leaves his laundry unwashed until he’s out of underwear. Mark sweats through his shirts, shoves too much food in his mouth, and always smells like soap. Mark eats peanut butter off a spoon, forgets to shave, and leaves stupid voicemails if you don’t answer your phone when he calls.

Mark is exactly Donghyuck’s type.

“I promise you, I’m far from straight.” Mark says matter-of-factly, his brows jumping in the silly way that they do when he’s about to say something he thinks is hilarious. “I love guys—hell, I love dick. Tried it once, never went back. I’m telling you, man, guys are—”

“Okay, Mark. I get it.”

“Guys are great.” He continues like he’s trying to convince Donghyuck of this fact. “Why do you think I started going to the gym? There are so many here. Wasn’t worth it, really, considering I met you in a stairwell. But hanging out in one of those is just creepy, so…”

“You’re so weird.” Donghyuck laughs, screwing up his nose as Mark elbows open the door, leading him out into the cool February air.

“I thought I was interesting?” Mark whines, and his hand slips out of Donghyuck’s so he can tug him against his side, a strong arm wrapping around him to nestle him there. And he fits perfectly.

“I’ve changed my mind. You’re weird.”

Mark presses a quick kiss to the side of his head.

“You like it.”