Chapter Text
“Spock, don’t you remember Earth?”
“Earth...ah, yes. The class-M planet from the sol system, the third closest to the Sun. Is that correct, Jim?”
“That’s right! Now, do you remember your time at Starfleet there? On its Earth headquarters?”
“...I do not seem to understand what you are wishing for me to recall, Admiral.”
“Let him rest, James Kirk. You have helped my son enough today.”
“Sarek...but I’m not done yet-”
“Please.”
“B-But I’m getting somewhere, please let me stay for just another hour!”
“It has been one earth month since you arrived to Vulcan and given Spock back his honour, for which I am indebted to you. You can continue with your endeavours tomorrow, for my son requires rest.”
“But-”
“-Please.-”
“Well, Jim, two months is here, and it’s amazing how much Spock has recovered his former self. I need to learn more about Vulcan physiology someday!”
“That’s something I suppose, Bones.”
“Why do you sound so down? Spock, dare I say it for everything I hate about him, is returning back to normal! Isn’t that a good thing for you!?”
“A lot has been on my mind lately. Our trial, our self-exile on Vulcan...Spock.”
“...Let me guess, he still hasn’t remembered the true extent of your relationship with him, has he?”
“...No.”
“Surely you can give him more time to remember -that- part of his life, right? Amnesia isn’t something that can be treated just like -that-, even in our times of medical progress.”
“That’s the thing, bones, I don’t have the time to wait any longer! What if he never remembers it after relearning everything? What if all of my efforts for him to remember is gone to waste!? I...I-I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I would do with myself without...him.”
“There there, buddy. You better start telling me all about it, and weep your sorrows to your old pal Bones.”
“I...”
“I know you’ve been stressed out about Spock during our time back on the Enterprise, Jim. I’m here to do my job as your friend and recent-therapist, and right now you need me to the man with a shoulder to cry on. I know what it’s like to lose someone I loved, and I’ve been taking note of your emotional behaviour while we’ve been stranded here. Just let it go, it’s not healthy to do your usual routine of bottling it up until it explodes in your face.”
“Erm...”
“Don’t argue with me this time. You don’t even have to say anything to me, I just need you to cry it out because I know you’re in desperate need of it. I want you to be alright despite everything that you’re going through, do you hear me?”
“...Fine, you can stay with me if you wish to do so.”
“Hell yeah I’ll stay with you! you’re not just my commanding admiral, but you’re also my friend, and I’m not leaving until you’re no longer upset, okay?”
“...T-thank you, Bones. I appreciate your kindness.”
“No problem, Jim. Now, tell me all about it when you’re ready.”
“Eleven days before I have to return to Earth to face trial for my actions...and yet, Spock -still- can’t remember how much he means to me, even years after we broke up and remained friends instead. My available options to help him in that regard are becoming limited, and I’m scared that it’ll -still- not be enough.”
“James, give him time. I have no doubt that the human part of him will come back sooner or later.”
“How do you know that, Mrs Grayson?”
“Please, like I’ve asked of you before, call me Amanda.”
“Right...I mean, he’s your son, yes, but I’m...I’m losing faith that he’ll be in touch with that part of him without fear ever again. It’s been over two months, and he -still- can't remember. I’m running out of time here.”
“I understand your impatience and fears, but even -I- know that Vulcans aren’t as simple and comprehensible than we humans like to believe. Believe me, I have been trying to have Spock answer how he feels for a couple of weeks now, with no progress so far.”
“Wait, really?”
“You’re not the only one attempting to reach for Spock’s human side, James. No matter how much he represses this part of him to retain his Vulcan identity, no matter how much he conceals his true feelings...I know he will allow the humanity within him to show itself soon. You just need faith.”
“Faith is what I've been desperately holding onto for the entirety of my time here, Amanda. It is becoming harder to keep grasp of it with every day that passes.”
“Then tell me this. How do you know if Spock hasn’t -already- remembered his past relationship with you? How do you know that he isn’t just hiding it away from you, because of the Vulcan custom to be away with emotion and be one with Logic?”
“You...you believe that he actually remembers? No... I’ve known Spock for so long now. I would have been aware already if he remembered me properly. I have to dismiss your theory, no matter how much I want to believe it to be true.”
“And I’ve known Spock since he was born, James. My son has always continued to surprise me, and he’ll surprise you again too. Have patience, my dear.”
“Perhaps...perhaps you’re right. But I just...hm.”
“Rest now, James. Your mind will appreciate it by tomorrow, and maybe you’ll even believe my words as well.”
Seven days before the return back to Earth.
And another seven days left with trying to prompt Spock’s memory.
Even if the Spock that he knew was almost back in full, Kirk was struggling with his despair over failing to bring back their intimate bond into the Vulcan’s mind. Not even Spock finally recalling that Kirk was his friend and not just his captain, was enough to lift Kirk’s spirits up one bit.
Despite their ongoing sympathies, the crew and even Spock’s parents were growing more concerned over the captain’s obsessive drive to get Spock to remember him completely. No talk of letting their past relationship go would shake Kirk out of his continuous efforts, and no talk of just accepting Spock as a friend would force the Admiral to reflect and halt his goals so far.
Today, however, was a day that everyone, who was involved with trying to persuade Kirk to pause his endeavours, gave up trying to do that, realising that mentally bracing for their trial back on Earth was more important than bringing the Admiral back to normality. Upon some thought on the situation, they all accepted that if a loved one suffered memory loss regarding their life, they would do anything to get them back as well.
With the crew in a meeting to discuss their eventual return to Earth, it had ended on a tense conclusion. The very idea of being demoted and losing their careers in Starfleet had only just hit them in recent weeks, and the feeling of dread was hitting them all in that moment. No amount of open agreement that what they did was the right choice, could falter the itching arguments in their minds that yelled at them over violating Starfleet regulation for one person alone.
It was inevitable that with their moods low, everyone would depart to their respective given rooms by Spock’s parents for the long Vulcan evening. Their residence was on the outskirts of a major city and within walking distance of their Klingon starship, and Kirk couldn’t help but be grateful for the current circumstances of this as he walked back ‘home’.
Falling onto the coach before rearranging himself into lying on his side, Kirk looked at the scenery in front of him and the clear windows that granted him the mesmerising sight. The pitch-black yet starry sky was therapeutic, and the low noise of wind that mixed into the sound of distant hover cars was soothing to him. In his mind, Kirk reckoned that if the atmosphere wasn’t intolerable to him on occasion, he could peacefully live on the planet during retirement.
The very idea of his then changed back to Spock rather quickly. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he wished to avoid it, Kirk’s temporary exile on Vulcan and taking in its environment always brought him back to what could have been for the two men.
A tranquil existence on Vulcan, all with the man he loved of whom would remain with him until his final days, and of whom Kirk’s vision would be of him first thing in the morning.
But that reality wasn’t what was happening, Kirk thought. But that dream fell apart so many years ago, Kirk argued. But the Spock who loved me hasn’t returned , Kirk recalled.
The returning inner pain, that came with his racing thoughts, was leaving Kirk an emotional wreck yet again. The weight laden within his chest grew heavier by the minute, and his throat constricted as the Admiral fought back against the tears that threatened to spill once more. Kirk still couldn’t understand how the last three months have been more distressing than his first reluctant breakup with Spock, but it was a pain that the Admiral always hated visiting during his lows regardless.
To Kirk, losing Spock to his own insecurities about his half-humanity, was more bearable than losing Spock to death in front of him. To the Admiral, knowing that Spock could return to him and be recognisable despite his demise, was more tolerable than having Spock come back alive but not remember him to the fullest extent.
Kirk couldn’t help but especially hate himself for feeling that way. He knew he should be appreciative of being able to get Spock back alive and safe, but sometimes he asked himself if it was worth having Spock alive but not remember him, or having the Vulcan dead but having his memories of Kirk intact.
With his multiple thoughts attacking him with so many questions and traumatic memories, with his self-hatred for thinking such things intensifying, Kirk couldn’t fight it anymore. A whimper spilled first, before a sob was pushed out of him. Ever since Spock died, his ability to suppress his upset had diminished into nothing by the time he arrived on Vulcan, yet his frequent outbursts of crying still made him feel embarrassed instead of free.
“I lost him.” Kirk wept. “I-I lost Spock, I’ve lost everything. It’s my fault...all my fault-”
The next thought that then entered into his head, just made the captain sob harder. “It should’ve been me...i-it should’ve been me who died back there! I should’ve stopped him...I-I should’ve known he would-”
Everything became too much for Kirk, and his words of remorse and dejection were muted by his continuous bawls of grief. He was thankful that no one was there to witness him at his lowest, but he didn’t appreciate how weak he was at present or ever since Spock first died. No reasoning into the Vulcan’s actions, no understanding of the significance of his sacrifice, could ever erase the internal sorrow and hopelessness that Kirk’s soul had been tainted with since that day.
A knock was what made Kirk then snap out of his hysteria and sit upright on the sofa, before quickly panicking over someone being nearby. Did they hear his weeps? Did they hear his desire to swap places with Spock? Did they just witness the Admiral James T Kirk at his most vulnerable?
Another knock came along after prolonged moments of Kirk straightening his appearance up and repressing his upset, and another knock came when the captain got to the door at last. His hand trembling and taking some deep breaths, Kirk hesitantly opened the door, expecting either Amanda or McCoy to be there, but was left frozen by what he saw instead.
Spock, in his traditional clothing, looking at him in silence. That, however, wasn’t what caused Kirk to fight against breaking down again right there and then.
Despite his composure, Spock’s face had tears falling down upon its surface, where even sadness appeared in its current shape. “May I come in, Admiral? My mother has suggested that talking to you would solve a current predicament of mine.”
Just the use of ‘Admiral’ alone in the Vulcan’s baritone nonchalant voice, felt like a stab to Kirk’s already-broken heart. “...Of course, Spock.”
Anything for you to be with me, my dear Spock. Even if it’s just a minute to solve a problem.
With a hand gesture inviting Spock in, it was immediate that the Vulcan joined Kirk inside the sitting room of his designated quarters. While Spock looked around the tidy medium-sized room, the tense Kirk was unable to take his stare away from the Vulcan.
He just couldn’t understand what caused, or why , Spock had come to him at this time of the Vulcan day, especially during his one of his low-mood moments. Never in his exiled stay has the Vulcan ever willingly come to his quarters unannounced, nor in silent tears. Maybe Sarek had been harsh to him, Kirk assumed, but even with that in mind, the captain thought it’d have been in Spock’s nature to not go to him in time of uncontrolled emotion.
Even during their time together, it was rare for Spock to openly cry in front of anyone, even his own bonded partner. When he did cry, however, it was just like what Kirk was seeing right now: An unmoving face that portrayed little, but moving tears that betrayed so much.
And now, Kirk was going to see much more, once Spock turned around to speak with him again. “Jim.”
His lowered voice, like the Vulcan was actively suppressing his urge to cry even more, took an additional hit on Kirk’s abilities to control himself. “Yes, Spock?”
With Kirk only able to just look at the other man, where his puffed-up reddened face was breaking into his previous anguish again, it was enough for Spock himself to walk up to the captain and close any open space between them. Looking back at Kirk in every detail, also seeing the evidence of the Admiral having cried just recently, Spock was feeling an ache in his heart that was further unsettling his already-swirling and unwanted emotions.
“You...” Spock said confidently despite his present internalised state. “You are not only my friend. You are my chosen mate.”
Kirk’s heart rushed upon hearing such comments, but he bit his tongue on what he truly wanted to say in that moment. “...That’s right.”
Once Kirk said that, he suddenly felt the familiar cold fingertips of Spock’s lightly press against the right side of his face. “Jim...may I? I must confirm what my own recent memory has implied...about us. It is why I am here with you tonight”
The captain, trying everything he could to not sob in front of the Vulcan, then impulsively place his own hand on top of Spock’s, and push it more firmly on his face. “If it would help you remember who I am... who I really am... p-please proceed with the mindmeld. Tell your mother that I thank her for bringing you here.”
“As you wish, and that I shall.” Spock replied, going ahead with the ritual that he had yet to try out since his rebirth, but knew he could perform without issue.
For a brief moment at the beginning, the two men stared into each other’s eyes without a word uttered or a flinch in their bodies. As Spock then closed his eyes, it took some time for him to get deeper into Kirk’s mind, but once he penetrated into the memories of many, his body then began to tremble lightly.
“I have been, and always shall be, your friend.” Spock’s pitch was slightly higher when repeating that significant sentence of recent past, almost like he was especially emotional over it.
“Spock...” Kirk responded with strain, his own body now shaking.
“Live long, and prosper...” Spock’s voice properly breaking this time.
“N-No...”
Kirk’s voice was quieter and more lifeless with its stammer that time, yet it was what forced Spock to abort the mindmeld with a rather vicious wrest. The Vulcan was so overwhelmed by the several memories and emotions that now clashed in his head, revealing themselves in his shocked facial expression, that as he walked back slowly, his legs gave out unintentionally.
As Kirk immediately ran to Spock’s side, making him merely sit upright while the Admiral kneeled and held him, Kirk still felt the other man quiver against him. The Admiral wasn’t certain into what was going on, but he was too nervous to take any risks with someone who was in clear need of help.
“Are you alright, Spock?” Concern painting Kirk’s face, doing his usual attempt at pushing out his stronger emotions to be there for the Vulcan.
“Friend, partner...” Spock mumbled before he turned his now-stoic face to stare at Kirk, and took one of the captain’s hands in his two own. “...ashayam, t’hy’la.”
Now Kirk was left in shock by what was playing out before his very eyes. “Y-Yes...” Kirk quietly said, his heart palpitating while not sure on whether to be happy at being called that at last, or to cry yet again.
“We are...bonded, and have been for several cycles.” Spock recalling the memories of which he touched inside’s Kirk’s mind.
“That’s right, Spock. We carried out our ritual here on Vulcan.” The Admiral finding his body shaking against his wishes again.
“We are soulmates, Jim.”
“Yes...y-yes, we are.”
Suddenly Spock removed his hands from Kirk’s and looked away from him, not realising that this action was now internally crushing the Admiral from experiencing.
“How unusual then. The bond I felt was strong, so filled with the desire to protect and remain with one another until the very end...” The more that Spock spoke, the more that his neutral face showed his returning grief. “...So why did I choose the Vulcan ritual of Kolinahr over you, James Tiberius Kirk? I now remember the pain, my farewells to you...if we were bonded, and I had chosen you out of free will, then why would I choose such contrary commitments? With my understanding of the situation, it defies all logic.”
The Admiral's remnant façade of stability promptly shattered when Spock brought up that time in their lives. The one memory that Kirk had done everything to suppress, the one memory that he had wished Spock wouldn’t lay his hands on, and it was the very thing that reverted Kirk back to his previous state of complete heartbreak.
As the Vulcan stared at him in confusion upon hearing a whimper, vocally wishing for Kirk to explain, the Admiral just averted his gaze and turned his back on him. Right in front of Spock, was Kirk attempting to conceal the choked sobs that then came out of him. During this moment, however, the Vulcan was not sure on what provoked a strong reaction from the man he just discovered was his partner in previous times.
“Did I mention something that has upset you, Admiral?”
Straightening himself up while sitting on the floor, but refusing to turn around again to face Spock, Kirk realised he was in no state to properly answer the Vulcan once he removed his hands from his face. “N-No, Spock.”
The voice breaking and his whimpers spilling out didn’t do anything to convince Spock that everything was okay. “You are experiencing the human emotion of distress. I need to understand why there is a prolonged pain inside of your soul. What did I speak of, to inflict this upon you?”
All that Kirk could do was sigh, even if it was shaky. “Do you...do you really want the truth?”
“Why would I want anything else but the truth, Jim? There is much for me to learn still.”
Kirk dreaded that answer, even if it was logical of Spock to say that. “Fine. You...you were conflicted with yourself. Your human side and your emotions. Don’t you remember that?”
Spock raised his eyebrow in intrigue. “My human side? My emotions? I...do acknowledge that I possess such features, but how important are they to this situation, Jim?”
“Doctor McCoy told me that you were considering Kolinfahr after our five-year mission, a-and then you told me that you sensed your human side overtaking your Vulcan side, Spock. Y-you told me that you...were absolutely terrified of losing your connection to Vulcan because of it.” Kirk reluctantly explained, attempting deep breaths to continue speaking normally but being aware that he was failing. “...A year after we completed the five-year mission, you resigned from Starfleet. You cut off our relationship. Y-you were so distraught, that not even your father could comprehend your choices of both logical and emotional.”
“My father...? And what was my mother’s observation on the matter?”
“...She told me that she loved you still, b-but couldn’t fully understand your choice either. To her, you seemed so happy with what you had, and you rejected it out of-” Kirk choking on a sob as he shook his head, before he returned to his previous state of dolour and bawled instead of spoke.
During this harrowing ordeal, Spock began to register new memories of his own. The confliction, the love...the depression, and then nothing, until one certain day of rising emotion coming out of nowhere. Human emotions were something that the Vulcan did to not adhere to out of custom, despite recalling that he did feel and show them throughout his life, but even the very remembrance of that period of his life was putting a further strain on Spock’s fragile well-being.
With quick decision, Spock just hugged the weeping Kirk from behind, and clung his hands to the other man’s upper body as he placed his head onto the admiral’s shoulder. The Vulcan thought it was the only logical choice to commit to, despite his doubts now itching the back of his mind that displayed hints of it on his still-saddened face.
Spock’s doubts were erased the very moment that Kirk immediately held his hands, and proceeded to sob away from the Vulcan’s face. Spock was left speechless, but the emotional side of him that flowed through his blood refused to allow logic to pull him away from the Admiral’s firm touches.
Maybe because he too was crying again alongside Kirk.
“This feeling...this feeling of absolute pain that burns in me as I think of this certain event between us.” Spock spoke as normally as he could, despite his voice being quieter than usual. “This pain has always lived within me since the day I was born, and my rebirth had simmered it until now, it seems. Yet, I do not understand this immeasurable sensation that tears through my body even as we speak of the past. No matter where it starts, no matter the time it occurs...the pain always follows me to the end. I have yet to wonder why this occurs.”
Kirk realised what was going on, his crying now to occasional whimpers. “Anger, sadness, fear. W-what you are likely experiencing are one of many similar emotions, Spock. You’re feeling human emotions.”
“...I see.” All that Spock could utter, his mind flooded with too much to fully accept his current behaviour that he knew wasn’t normal for him.
“It’s okay, Spock.” Kirk tightening their intertwined hands. “Y-you don’t have to understand or accept them. What you’re doing right now, i-is enough to make me feel something that I hadn’t felt in some time.”
“...I do not comprehend your comments, Jim.”
“I’m talking of hope, my dear friend.” Kirk smiling lightly even as he was still tearful. “Hope for you, hope for the future...h-hope for us.”