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Toya had never felt this emotion before. He didn't think he would ever be feeling something like this ever before.
But the little flame that had lit up in his stomach wasn't just his imagination, and he had tried to extinguish it, ashamed of its very existence within him.
And just like that, he went on with his life, hoping that it wouldn't cause any problem.
---***---
He had met Akito some years ago in junior high. The two boys made a strange pair, one of them in the school orchestra, the other on the soccer team. The orange haired one could be considered popular amongst his pairs, while the dual-toned boy was more of an outcast, eating his lunch alone on the rooftop of the school.
They met by absolute chance, Akito bursting through the door in a fit of anger after an argument with his team. Toya was startled, hiding in a shadowed spot and trying to make himself as small as possible. It was working well– mostly because Akito was too busy being angry to even notice him. He however decided to declare his presence after noticing a strange detail about the boy screaming and waving his arms around.
Was he crying?
It was Akito's turn to be startled, promptly wiping his eyes and nose with his forearms, now looking embarrassed on top of his anger and sadness. Toya had swallowed with difficulty, a weight forming at the bottom of his stomach, regretting having said anything, but still meekly asked the other boy what was going on.
It wouldn’t hurt to try and help someone else, would it?
It wouldn’t lead to anything big or serious, right?
How clueless he had been.
Akito eyed Toya with suspicious eyes, sniffling again. He had never seen this blue haired boy before, even though he thought he knew everyone his age in the school. Odd.
He went to sit next to the boy who was still hugging his lunchbox, unsure how to feel nor react. He even shifted away from him once he was settled. He was one shy kid, not very social, Akito remarked internally. That was probably the reason why he had never met him before. Hell, he hadn’t even noticed him the moment he stepped on the roof. It was like he had no presence at all whatsoever.
Why are you sitting here alone anyway?
Toya didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t expect to be the one talking. He had been the one to ask what was wrong with the redhead boy, no? He was afraid to answer, the words stuck in his throat, feeling like needles scraping at his insides. He was going to sound pathetic in front of one of the most popular boys his age.
“I… don’t really have any friends.”
He was expecting laughter, mockery, anything, eyes glued to his now cold lunch, but nothing of the sort happened. Feeling heavy, Toya dared raise his gaze to gauge the other’s reaction. It surprised him: the boy had a curious expression, lips pinched, and a veil of sadness and empathy in his eyes.
“Heh, me neither.”
Toya must’ve had a very surprised look on his face because Akito laughed sadly, extending his legs in front of him and staring at his feet while leaning back on his hands behind his back.
“People are only nice with me because I’m known to pick fights easily.”
“Is… is that what happened when you came here…?”
The question made Akito’s brows raise, looking at Toya from the corner of his eyes. A long sigh escaped his lips.
“We had a very important match and we got crushed.” Another dry laugh. “Maybe I’m just not cut out for soccer…”
“I don’t think that’s true!”
The words came out of Toya’s mouth without his conscious input, surprising both boys. Toya was mortified. How could he say this when he couldn’t even practice his instrument seriously, let alone win competitions? That his hands would shake every single time he sat in front of the black and white keys, reminding him of the inhuman practice sessions his father put him through every single time he went home?
“I-I mean, if you really love it, hurdles like these shouldn’t be enough to make you lose your passion, right?”
Was he saying this for the other boy, or for himself?
The conversation continued flowing rather smoothly, which was exceptional for Toya. The weight in his stomach was slowly melting away, replaced by a warm comfort brought by the radiant smile of the ginger boy next to him once his good mood was back.
“I’m Akito Shinonome, by the way. What’s your name?”
"Toya… Toya Aoyagi."
Another radiant smile that warmed Toya's heart even more, like a ray of sunshine after days of rain.
"Well, Toya, I know that playing piano might be hard for you right now, but promise me you'll never quit, okay?"
"Only if you don't stop playing soccer."
Akito's laugh sounded like music to Toya's ears. He promised himself he would do everything to hear it again, and never let Akito be sad again.
The redhead raised a fist, and Toya raised his as well, bumping them together.
"Deal."
Toya didn't think he could be happier at that moment. He had finally made a friend despite his crippling fear of social situations.
But happiness never lasts forever now, does it?
---***---
Ever since they met on the rooftop, the two boys were inseparable. Even though they were in different classes, they would always meet up in between, and Akito had started joining Toya in his ritual of eating lunch on the roof. He wasn’t alone anymore.
For once in their lives, they were both content.
They had even started mixing both of their hobbies together, with Toya attending Akito's soccer practice, and Akito sitting in the same room as Toya while the latter practiced his current piece. Playing the piano always felt easier with him and not his father watching over his shoulder, ready to criticize him for even the tiniest mistake. He could play at his heart’s content, improvising, express his emotions, and Akito wouldn’t get mad. He’d compliment him, even.
One day, while Toya was already eating lunch on the rooftop, Akito had walked in with a sour expression on his face. He had gotten a bad grade in math and geography. Toya was surprised, because school always felt easy to him. People would often call him gifted when it came to school, a prodigy when it came to music. If he had to be honest, he despised it. He felt like people didn’t realize how much it had to practice, how hard it was to meet his father’s standards, and being called gifted would ostracize him from others, either from being put on a pedestal or from others being consumed by envy.
He realized that Akito had never once said anything about either, accepting him as he was, as an equal. It felt refreshing to not have a certain image to keep, to just be himself, with all his strengths and flaws.
And so Toya offered to help Akito with schoolwork a few days a week after classes, meeting up at Akito’s place.
Not at my place, Toya had said. I wouldn’t want my father annoying us in the middle of studying.
In reality, Toya just wanted an excuse to spend as little time home as possible.
The first time he set foot in Akito’s room, Toya was shocked at how messy it was, but again, he was the one who grew up in a very strict household. Everything had to be in its place, ordered, neat. Now standing in his friend’s room, the first he had visited other than his own, he suddenly felt a warmth enveloping his entire being. Thinking back to his room, Toya felt like he was wrapped in a figurative blanket compared to the frigidity of his house. It just felt so convivial, like he was already part of the family.
What Toya could see the most were soccer related things, either photos of him, manuals for strategies, posters of famous players, and so on. He could occasionally see some scribbles and a few art supplies, as well as some street music performers’ posters. It made him curious, and so he asked Akito about them.
Akito had explained that his father was a rather famous artist, and that obviously, he’d try to pursue the same thing, but ending up giving up in the end. He also mentioned that he has an older sister who was still trying to make a name for herself, and that their dad was extremely harsh on her, which was part of the reason why he decided to quit arts. He didn’t know how she was doing it, and said he admired her for her strength of character. Toya smiled to himself. He had to love his sister very much to say something like this.
As for the street music posters…
If you hadn’t told me to not quit soccer, I think I would’ve pursued music. I don’t know, I’ve always liked singing.
With their study routine, Toya managed to raise Akito’s grades and morale. Toya’s morale was also better ever since meeting him.
---***---
The move to high school didn’t change anything to their relationship. They’d still meet up at lunchtime to eat together, they’d still study together. Hell, they were together so much that people would find it weird to see one without the other outside of class.
Their extracurricular activities didn’t change either: Toya joined the orchestra club and Akito, the soccer club. However, it was a fresh start for the redhead, who had been stripped of his bad reputation from junior high. His talents in sports wouldn’t go unnoticed, and even though he was new to the team, he quickly ended up team captain thanks to his sense of leadership. People would always revolve around him, praising him for his feats in soccer, wanting to be his friend.
But Toya was fine with it, because in the end, Akito would always spend his free time with him.
One could argue that the two boys grew even closer. Their study sessions had become such a regular habit that he could practically be considered part of the Shinonome family. The redhead's parents would call him by his first name, and he would always have food ready for him on the nights they spent together. Toya would grow to know Akito's sister a little more, more often than ever seeing her with paint all over her clothes and face. The two siblings would often bicker, but Toya knew, deep down, that they loved each other unconditionally.
He finally felt comfortable, like he finally belonged somewhere in a house.
For his 16th birthday, he wished that nothing would change, and that they'd stay together forever.
His wish stayed the same at the beginning of their second year, thinking nothing of a new girl who joined the soccer club. Akito still spent most of his time with him, after all. He had welcomed many members throughout his first year, and she wasn't any different.
They still met up several evenings a week to study, Akito still kept Toya company while he played piano, commenting on his play and suggesting variations to his phrasing.
But as days and weeks went by, Akito would talk about her more and more during lunch. He would comment on her quick improvement, her ability to learn so fast, so efficiently. He was genuinely impressed, praising her, being glad that she had joined the soccer club. It made Toya feel a bit weird, but he brushed it off fairly quickly. Of course Akito would praise someone who got better this fast as the team captain, who wouldn't? A captain would always be proud of their players, right?
But the more Toya would attend soccer practice, the less he wanted to watch, to stay there. He couldn't take the image of Akito always talking to her, them smiling and laughing together. He knew it was probably nothing, just two friends hanging out together, sharing the same club activity. Except he would spend most of practice with her in particular and not anyone else.
All this time, Toya was oblivious to the smallest flame that had lit up in his chest. He didn't know it was there, but he could feel it. The dull aching at the bottom of his stomach, every single time he thought of Akito with this girl. He felt terrible about it.
Luckily for him, the flame was still small enough to push down and ignore. And so that's exactly what he did.
He thought it would be just a one time thing, something exceptional because he was feeling especially down on that day. However, the pain came back when Akito started excusing himself from one study evening here and there. Toya didn't think too much of it, contingencies could happen, but when he even started dropping lunch times, Toya grew intrigued.
He regretted asking.
Akito had said that she wanted him to help her with both soccer theory and practical training on the field. Due to his good nature — that people often seemed to overlook at first glance, yet it was a part of Akito that Toya found very endearing, — he had obviously accepted. Or so that was what Toya was trying to convince himself of.
The ache in Toya's stomach grew stronger, and he finally acknowledged the presence of the flame that seemed to feed on his doubts. The more he tried to ignore it, the more it burned him from the inside, eating at him. He tried to tell himself that its existence was unjustified, that the moments he would still get to spend with Akito still made him happy, and most importantly, Akito also seemed happy, and it was all that mattered to him. They were still fine.
So then, why did it hurt so much even after telling himself that? Why did it also seem to make it worse, like adding fuel to a flame?
He didn’t talk about it, he refused to mention it, afraid that it would make it even more real. Even more afraid that Akito would see him differently afterwards, afraid to feel like a bad friend to him. Refused to mention the word “jealous” at all. He wasn’t jealous, he was just… not used to spending less time with him, right?
It was lunch time, the two boys were sitting on the rooftop as usual. Toya was quiet, but it wasn’t any different from usual, he’d never been much of a talker, letting Akito guide the conversation most of the time. The latter was mumbling under his breath about some class stuff, things that he had some troubles with in particular.
If you’d come to our study sessions lately, maybe you wouldn’t be complaining about it as much right now.
A sting teasing at the back of Toya’s throat at the thought.
Akito had already changed the subject, now talking about upcoming practices that were becoming more and more numerous at the approach of an important match, but Toya had already stopped listening. He couldn’t ignore the small flame that used to be the size of a candlelight growing in his stomach, trying so desperately to contain it, to keep it under control.
But he could never seem to do so.
“Are we… are we going to be friends forever?”
Akito stopped dead in his tracks, eyeing Toya with a surprised expression on his face, confused at the sudden question.
“Of course, why are you asking?”
Toya’s eyes were glued to the ground in front of him. He couldn’t look his friend in the eye with the blaze in his chest, taunting him, mocking him for being so despicable, unable to let Akito have fun with the people he wanted. He had to let go, somehow.
But he couldn’t.
And so he just whispered “nothing”, forcing himself to raise the corners of his lips so as to not make Akito concerned or suspicious. Toya wasn’t happy about the answer, even though he knew he should be. He felt ungrateful.
The flame teased him some more inside of him.
---***---
The day of the match was finally there. As much as Toya was reluctant to go — he knew he would end up feeling miserable — he couldn’t let Akito down. He kept telling himself that he was a bad friend, so might as well do something a good friend would do to compensate, right?
So here he was, watching distractedly while he tried so hard not to look at that girl, to only focus on Akito’s performance, to ignore the fire that had turned to a blaze consuming him entirely from the inside. But it had grown so big, so uncontrollable, it was whispering to him, ordering him to look at her, to watch how good she had become through Akito’s teaching. Akito was a good teacher at what he really loved, after all. He learned that himself when Akito would talk about art or music, and even when listening to him rambling about soccer. Of course she would become this talented by having him help her.
He saw so much of Akito in her: some footwork, some strategies that Akito would talk about during breaks and that Toya would see in action during practice sessions. She’d wave at him to pass her the ball whenever the occasion was right, and he would do the same. They seemed so much in sync, so fucking perfect together that it made his guts churn. He shut his lids close but was still blinded by the painful flame shining so brightly, spreading to every corner of his mind like wildfire, burning every speck of hope he had left in him. He felt like a monster.
It hurt. It hurt so bad. Was there any way for him to extinguish it?
The match was close. Both sides had 2 goals each, but couldn’t seem to overpower the other. Extra time was called, everyone was on the edge of their seats. All players and spectators had their eyes glued on the ball. Everyone from Akito’s team seemed to move as one. A pass was made to the redhead who masterfully handled the ball to the opponent’s side. He faked a shot to the goal before swiftly passing to her, the ball going so fast that the opposing team had no chance to react. But she was ready, as if she had been in Akito’s head all along, hitting the ball at the perfect moment to shoot directly into the open goal.
The crowd exploded in screams and cheers, and Toya would be doing the same if it wasn’t for the nagging feeling seemingly wrapping itself around his throat, ready to choke him alive for what he’d see next.
Everyone was running towards her, ready to tap her back, to congratulate her. She was today’s hero to them, and yet with all the attention she was garnering, her first reflex was to run up to Akito and jump in his arms with a radiating smile on her face.
The smile was warm, yet Toya felt his heart freeze.
He wanted to close his eyes, but a twisted part of his mind forced him to keep watching as Akito, shaking off his surprise, burst out in laughter and hugged her back, talking in her ear, rubbing her back affectionately.
The blaze exploded inside of him. He felt like he was going to be sick, the entire world spun in front of his eyes. He could barely stand on his feet, almost collapsing under every step he took. He had to get out of there, he had to leave and run away, far away from the source of his pain, of his problems, of the reason why he hated himself and the way he was feeling and reacting.
The more distance he put between him and them, the more the fire inside of him felt like he was mocking him, hurting him down to his fingertips, overwhelming him with waves of nausea. His head hurt, his soul hurt. He just wanted it to stop, he just wanted to be a good friend, someone normal who wouldn’t get this distressed over their friend spending time with someone else.
He felt like he was losing himself in the devastating fire that wasn’t letting up inside of him.
---***---
The final exams were almost over. Akito and Toya barely saw each other outside of school anymore. Granted, with the important match behind him, Akito started spending more of his lunch times with Toya, but their after school study sessions that used to be several times each week, went down to once every two weeks or so. Food wasn’t prepared for him anymore because Akito’s parents never knew when he’d be home or not. The room he once loved to be in started feeling bittersweet, the soccer merch displayed everywhere on the walls and on his shelves reminding him of the girl he kept spending more and more time with.
Toya didn’t even know why they still studied together. Akito’s grades were better regardless of their sessions, since he would often spend time studying with her. Of course she had to be good at school as well and take the only position Toya could fulfill with him anymore.
What use was he for him now?
The orchestra room felt lonely without him, even when other students were practicing their own instruments as well. He missed his presence over his shoulder, his suggestions, his kind words. His smile that would chase away all the bad things happening in his life. For his final recital with the rest of the group, he spotted Akito in the crowd.
She was sitting next to him.
He was glad to have such good control of his emotions when playing thanks to his father. He managed to play his piece perfectly regardless of his entire body wanting to sink into the ground and disappear.
On their last lunchtime together before summer, Akito walked in with a glowing smile. This smile that would usually make Toya feel at ease, suddenly made his chest tighten.
Aya and I are dating!
The wind was knocked out of Toya’s lungs, but he tried his best not to let it show. He desperately gasped for air while faking the most painful of smiles.
That’s nice.
Toya had to keep his eyes shut to prevent tears from building up. He swore he could feel the fire he grew accustomed to after all these months laughing at him. Could a flame laugh? Well, his most definitely was. “You’re pathetic,” it was telling him. “Unhappy about your friend getting a partner. What kind of friend is that?”
He was glad his silence didn’t come off as unusual, because Toya didn’t feel like talking. Akito’s voice felt like white noise to him, and anyway, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what he was saying. Something about summer plans, more stuff about her, praising her, being happy about her.
The flame swayed in his chest, amused.
---***---
Summer vacations had already begun for a while. Toya used to spend most of it with Akito, but this year was different. Akito barely texted him anymore. It was like he didn’t exist anymore.
He was probably busy hanging out with his new girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Toya felt as if he had gotten stabbed to his stomach. Before he could even realize it, tears were streaming down his cheeks, curled up on his chest with his phone in hand, idling on Akito’s conversation just to torture himself even more. He couldn’t take it anymore. The smallest flame had turned into an uncontrollable fire, and it had consumed everything in its wake. He felt miserable, hopeless. Nothing made sense in his life anymore. He was tired of imagining them having fun together, without him, without thinking nor caring about him. Why couldn’t it be him?
It was too much. He had let himself be controlled by the destructive force that was his jealousy, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. He had to cut the issue at the root, lest he be entirely consumed to the point of no return.
Toya would be changing schools for next year. He couldn’t bear to make his friend carry the burden of knowing that he couldn’t stand seeing him in love with someone else. He couldn’t let him know that he’s been letting himself get eaten away, drifting away from him because of his own jealousy.
Most of all, he couldn’t let him know that after all this time, he had fallen in love with him and was the root cause of all his problems.
It was all his fault.
But Akito didn’t have to know.