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“Dinner’s ready, Katsuya!”
Serizawa paused his game and the once lively pixelated characters froze in response. He sat up, a little disappointed to leave what was bringing him some joy after a tiresome day, but was quickly motivated by the smell of his ma’s homemade curry. He felt his stomach rumble which reminded him he hadn’t eaten all day.
With newfound motivation, he walked out of his room and into the kitchen. He moved over to the curry still on the cooktop to grab generous, but not greedy portions.
Their dining room was lit by a single light on the ceiling, beckoning him like a moth to a flame to the table. Though it was a little difficult, he waited for his parents to get their food and expressed a thank you to his ma before digging into his meal.
They all ate at the dinner table in silence. Serizawa couldn’t find a reason to care as the hearty beef and rich sauce filled him up and warmed his core. His ma took small, polite bites while seeming to ponder over something. After a few minutes, she spoke what was on her mind.
“So, how was school today sweetheart?”
It was an innocent question enough, but the answer wasn’t something he wanted to think about right now, much less talk about. He subconsciously clenched his fist under the table.
“Um.. it was fine,” he mumbled sheepishly. He twiddled with his fork for a distraction.
Serizawa didn’t look at her in the eyes, both from the usual discomfort eye contact brought him and from a small pang of guilt. He felt her frown on him, clearly unconvinced. He was never good at lying.
She sighed. His father echoed her sigh and stopped eating to fully direct his attention to the atmosphere shift. Her next words were spoken at a careful cadence.
“Katsuya.. we need to discuss something with you.”
He suddenly lost his appetite due to a knot of anxiety forming in his stomach. Any conversation that started with those words meant it must be serious, especially since his dad was also a part of it.
“Your father and I had a parent-teacher conference with your homeroom teacher a few days ago, and we’re.. concerned by a few things that he brought up to us. Your grades have been falling behind, you haven’t been focused in class, you aren’t involved in any social activities, and…”, she continued hesitantly, “…that your classmates might be isolating you because of your special abilities.”
Serizawa desperately didn’t want to talk about this. The guilt from before evolved into ugly shame. A horribly familiar sensation of static crawled under his skin. He silently struggled to keep his powers at bay and tensed his entire body in hopes of caging his inner turmoil.
“M’ sorry.. I’ll try to do better.”
“Trying isn’t good enough. You need to say you will improve your grades and be engaged in class. Being wishy-washy about it won’t help anything.” His father stepped in now.
Serizawa didn’t understand what he meant, the words sounding cryptic to his ears.
“I don’t understand,” he said quizzically.
And this, apparently, was not the right response.
His father started to fume, standing up from his chair. “Are you talking back to me? And stop looking at the floor, it’s disrespectful!”
Then, he pointed accusingly “You need to look me in the eyes when you answer me!”
Serizawa slowly brought his head up in a robotic motion. With herculean effort, he locked eyes with his father. The anxiety in his gut only flared up at seeing the disapproval and irritation in his stare. It made Serizawa flinch as if he’d been burned. He wanted to word another apology, but it felt like hot coals had lodged their way into his throat. All he could let out were miserable, small croaks. He glanced over to look at his ma and gave her a silent plea with his eyes, hoping that maybe she'd understand he couldn’t talk. This had happened many times before, though he didn’t know why. She gave him a look of sympathy and spoke for him.
“Dear, I think this is becoming too much for Katsuya. How about we talk about this la-”
His father slammed his hands on the table, interrupting her sentence. “Don’t let him make you feel guilty when HE’S the one who needs to admit his mistakes and own up to them! Don’t you see?! If we encourage this behavior, he’ll only get WORSE !” his father yelled in exasperation.
His fathers thundering voice was too loud. The light hanging above the table was too bright. The smell of the food in front of him was too nauseating. It was all too much, too much! Serizawa’s breathing became irregular, he felt his powers slipping from him.
No, no, NO! Not again! Not now!
The light above flickered and the dining table rattled. A few utensils started to float into the air, along with cups and plates. He needed to hide, somewhere he felt less raw and in the open. He rapidly scrambled under the table, the sensation of having something shielding him from the terrors of his powers and the world around him was a mild comfort. His father’s anger radiated from beyond the table cloth, his dark silhouette a stain on the cream white fabric. Serizawa protected himself from the looming presence by curling in on himself, hoping that maybe if he was small enough, he could be forgotten and the attention would be in the chaos above.
It didn’t work. Distantly, he could hear his mom calling his name in concern but laced with fear, and his father was still yelling in pure rage. He pressed hard on his ears with his hands to try to block out their voices and started to bang his head on his knees in frustration.
Why can’t I stop this? Why can’t I be normal!? I want to have a normal dinner with my parents but I messed it up. I’m horrible, HORRIBLE!
Serizawa was screaming now, the coals inside him lurching out in hot embers. Boiling tears streamed down his face while he gasped for air in between his wails. He felt his powers now gradually lift the table and chairs, though he and his parents were still grounded, if not barely.
“STOP THIS NOW , KATSUYA!!” his father roared.
Immediately following his yelling, he tried to pull Serizawa out from under the table by yanking his arms. It was so hard that Serizawa felt the bones in his shoulders shift in unnatural ways.
Don’t make me see what’s happening, PLEASE! I need to be alone. Leave. Me. ALONE!
Before Serizawa could process what was happening, his father suddenly flung across the room and slammed into the wall. He cried louder while his mom gasped loudly in terror at the event that just unfolded. She rushed over to his father, but before she could even reach him, he was on his feet again. His expression turned from pure rage to a mix of trepidation and resentment. His heavy footsteps stormed out of the room and into his parent’s shared bedroom. He slammed the door hard enough to make their cupboards rattle.
His ma was frozen in place, unsure if she should follow her husband or keep trying to calm her son. Serizawa felt humiliated seeing how much stress he was giving her. And his father.. he wasn’t sure what to think of his reaction.
“Katsuya, honey… it’s going to be okay.. try to calm down..”, she whispered as if talking to a bewildered animal.
Serizawa didn’t like her words. They weren’t as scary as his father’s just now, but something about his ma’s tone made him feel an odd, ugly emotion.
He tried to look up at her face. To Serizawa’s horror, it had morphed into a blur of overlapping shapes. Her once kind smile was a melted, lopsided puddle trailing down her face and onto the floor. Though it wasn’t just his ma that was distorting. He looked around to find the once grounding and stable dining room a mess of colors like someone had made an impressionist painting of their home and replaced it. All of the shapes dripped down into an empty, pitch black void. Once he realized there wasn’t ground underneath him anymore, he plunged into the darkness. The liquids swallowed him whole, and he felt like he was going to drown.
—
Serizawa woke up in a cold sweat, clenching his chest and gasping for air. He sat up straight as a board in alarm, whipping his head around in a frenzy. To his dismay, he saw many objects hovering in a sickly, suffocating purple aura. His aura. Once this information sunk in, he felt his anxiety spike. In turn, the objects floated even closer to the ceiling.
He thought he was getting better. He had gotten much better control of his powers, but it felt like this past memory-turned-nightmare stripped away all of his progress. Why did he remember it now after so many years? What was worse, he felt just as distressed as he was in his dream. He was shaking violently, even his teeth were chattering. The sweat on his skin felt sticky and gross. Each breath accompanied a sharp ache in his chest making it hard to breathe.
He grasped at the comforting blanket on his bed and tightly pulled it over himself. He hoped that the weight around his body could be an anchor in the storm churning within himself. However, another wave of his powers poured out, and he felt the blanket start to drift away.
His last hope of security was enough to make something in him snap. The floodgates in his eyes finally broke and tears streamed down his face. He sobbed quietly but messily, unable to hold anything back anymore. He hugged his knees in a vice grip against his body and rocked back and forth. It wasn’t enough. He was getting desperate, and saw even more objects getting swept up in his powers. Despairingly, he started to claw and scratch into his legs with his fingernails in a repetitive motion. A small part of him felt shame and self loathing at turning to a bad coping mechanism. Even so, he felt like he didn’t have enough strength to stop. He felt so defeated. Besides, he deserved to punish himself for messing up this badly again. He deserved to hurt until his skin was RAW. He continued the mantra, trying to justify his actions. The words sounded hollow even to his own ears.
Suddenly, he felt something stir on the right side of him. Cautiously, he peered over to see a man in a gray sweatshirt with messy, honey blond hair.
Ah. That’s right, Arataka’s here. He completely forgot his boyfriend was sleeping over tonight.
Oh. Oh no! This is BAD! Arataka shouldn’t be here! How was a non-esper supposed to protect himself from his powers going haywire!? He would never forgive himself if he ended up hurting him. He had to warn him before it was too late!
“Mmmm.. Katsuya, ‘s it morning already?” Reigen mumbled while rubbing his eyes.
“Arataka! Y-you need to leave! Please leave before I.. I end up hurting y-you!” Serizawa cried out, his voice trembling.
—
“..Huh?”
Reigen quickly sat up, his eyes wide with confusion and worry. Now alert and fully attentive, he took in his surroundings and Serizawa. The static, unnatural ozone filled the entire room in an eerie glow. A lamp, gundam figures, books, homework, a small gaming console, some laundry from their bin, their blanket, and a tissue box were all held at zero gravity. Poor Serizawa looked petrified. Even in the dark, Reigen could make out the wetness of his face and his shivering body.
This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. Even though there were times his powers were brought out due to stress, he found they accompanied other strong emotions, too. Reigen had many fond memories of their first romantic interactions accompanying a flutter of psychic energy and moving things off the ground a couple inches. He loved how Serizawa expressed himself so fully, and his powers were a genuine extension of that. Reigen wasn’t afraid of the gentle soul he’s grown to love. He knew that Serizawa needed help despite his pleas that he leave. Whatever had him awake was clearly upsetting him, and Reigen refused not to be there for him when he was going through something so intensely to cause a flux in his powers.
“I’m not leaving you like this,” Reigen spoke softly but stubbornly.
Serizawa gave Reigen a look of pure fear. “B-but you have to! What if I end up throwing y-you at the wa-wall with my p-powers?” He fidgeted with his hands as if holding a phantom object.
His voice cracked while continuing his pleas.“I-it happened w-ith my m-ma and dad—! It’s only a matter of ti-ime before you get hurt t-too!” His eyes glazed over, lost in internal worries.
“I’m s-sorry, I’m-m sorry, I’m sorr-rry…” He continued to mumble apologies into his knees until they were indecipherable.
Reigen interrupted Serizawa’s muttering with a gentle response. “You haven’t done anything wrong, so there’s no need to apologize to me. Katsuya, do you trust me?”
Serizawa stopped his movements for a moment and gave Reigen a slow nod. The glaze in his eyes broke, and now shimmered with devotion.
“Well, then trust that I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I’m here for you, okay? Let’s figure out what’s going on together. I’m sure we can sort this out, we always do.”
He started to reach out a reassuring hand, but Serizawa recoiled away and hugged himself harder. The rejection stung a little at first, but then Reigen had a moment of clarity. He’s not rejecting you personally , he told himself. He probably just doesn’t want to be touched right now because he’s overwhelmed and scared of hurting you.
“Hey.. can you hear me Kats? Can you nod your head again for me if you’re listening?”
Serizawa still stared down at his legs, but nodded an affirmation. That was a good sign.
“I don’t know why this is happening, but you don’t have to explain it to me if you don’t want to. Let’s just focus on breathing exercises together. Does that sound good?”
Another nod.
“Alright. Close your eyes. Now, together, let’s inhale through the nose, hold it for a few moments, then exhale through the mouth. We’ll go slowly, there’s no rush,” Reigen instructed.
For a few minutes, the two breathed together in conjunction. Serizawa had his eyes closed deep in concentration while Reigen paid attention to their surroundings. The objects were slowly moving to the ground.
“Alright, now that we’ve taken some breaths, are you able to talk easier?”
“Actually.. yes,” he said in relief.
“How about we play a word game? I’ll start with a food, and you have to come up with another food using the end letter of mine. No repeats.”
“Okay.. I think I can do that.”
“Takoyaki.”
“….Ika.”
“Ayu.”
“..Udon.”
“Natto.”
“Onigiri.”
“Iwashi.”
“Ikura.”
“Amazake.”
“Ebi.”
“Ika- oh wait, you said that at the beginning… damn.”
Reigen had a competitive streak in him and was a bit of a sore loser, but he decided to let it slide this time. Fortunately, the game had served its real purpose. Though things were slightly askew, everything was safely on the ground.
—
Serizawa opened his eyes and saw Reigen trying to hide a pout at losing. Serizawa smiled, thinking his nose scrunched up and eyebrows furrowed was too adorable. He was so caught up in his expression that he almost didn’t realize his powers had become dormant again. His body had stopped trembling, too.
“Arataka.. you really are amazing, you know that?” Serizawa breathed out while looking admiringly at his partner.
“Eh? I didn’t do much of anything Katsuya. You were the one to get your powers in check. All I did was give you something to focus on,” Reigen said while flapping his hand dismissively.
Serizawa shook his head. “You did a lot for me. You stuck with me even though I didn’t know what would happen. Thank you for being here for me.”
He reached out to hold the hand Reigen was gesturing with and fondly brushed his knuckles. Reigen froze at Serizawa’s sincerity and a small flush bloomed on his face.
“I’ll help you anytime, Katsu.” Reigen gave him a soft smile, completely free of any businessman flair or exaggeration. They were Serizawa’s favorite.
Serizawa couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He swiftly closed the distance between them and buried his head in Reigen’s chest. He wrapped his arms around Reigen in a firm but gentle grip, just enough to remind him that he was really there. He wanted to feel his body warmth, hear his heartbeat, smell the fresh-scented laundry detergent on his sweater. He felt so fortunate to have Reigen, to still love him the same even after tonight.
To both of their surprise, Serizawa started crying again. Reigen returned his hug and moved his hands up and down on his back in consoling motions. Calmer now, Serizawa spoke again.
“I.. I had a bad dream. A really bad dream.. It was a memory of my childhood,” he sighed.
Reigen ran his fingers through Serizawa’s hair as he continued. “I had a lot of moments where I would lose control at home, and my parents didn’t know what to do. I felt like a ticking time bomb, and I had no idea what would set me off..” he paused to grab a tissue.
After clearing his nose, he resumed. “Now, as an adult, I realize a lot of those moments were meltdowns. I got overstimulated, and my powers responded to my distress and discomfort. Even though now I know why it happened, it still hurts .” Reigen nodded in sympathy.
“Also, I started to catch on that it was straining my parent’s relationship. My dad.. he would pack his bag and leave some nights to stay at a hotel after the psychic-amplified meltdowns happened. One day, he didn’t come back. This sounds wrong, but.. things were a little easier when it was just me and my ma, emotionally speaking. I felt guilty for him leaving, but she assured me that he was in the wrong. She helped me get through so much. Even if she didn’t always know what to do, I appreciate how strong she was and how she didn’t give up on me like my dad did.”
“You’re strong too, you know,” Reigen affirmed.
Serizawa hummed in response. He didn’t really believe it himself, but maybe he wasn’t giving himself enough grace. He liked being called strong by Reigen at least. It made him feel warm and loved.
Serizawa hugged Reigen a little harder and rubbed his face into his chest. The fabric felt nice on his cheeks. Reigen chuckled a little at the feeling and ruffled his hair. Serizawa loved giving face rubs. Then, he stayed there, submerged in the gray cloth with a contented sigh.
“Thank you for listening, Taka. I feel a lot better now.”
“Of course, Tsuya. Thank you for telling me.”
Reigen pressed a kiss into his forehead.
“I’m exhausted now.. and we have work in the morning. We should get back to sleep. If I could ask for one more thing, may I hold you?” Serizawa implored with puppy dog eyes.
“Agreed, and gladly,” Reigen enthused with a small laugh.
He knew Reigen had a hard time saying no when he gave him that look, and he took advantage of it for cuddles a number of times. He grinned in silent victory.
Once they laid back down, Serizawa big-spooned the smaller man and put his head in the cranny of Reigen’s clavicle. They both subconsciously matched each other’s breaths as they slowly drifted back to sleep.
Right before Serizawa slipped from consciousness, he murmured “Goodnight, Taka. I love you.” He didn’t get a response, Reigen assumingly asleep. That was fine.
Serizawa felt at home. That was all he needed to fall asleep too.