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HiMERU has hacked into Tatsumi Kazehaya's webcam.
He doesn't regret it — yet. He thinks it's a fantastic opportunity, to be able to watch him and be so close, yet so far. He'll abuse this opportunity with all the power he has, and will make sure Tatsumi will repent and beg.
Embarrassingly, he's not so sure how to as of now. It was all impulsive, learning how to do this and all, plus actually doing it. Perhaps if Tatsumi was alone, he would get something noteworthy, something Tatsumi would have to atone for. But what was something sacrilegious Tatsumi could do all alone?
He watches as ALKALOID roamed around Tatsumi's dorm room. Why are they there? HiMERU sat up as he looked intently at Tatsumi, who had his signature smile plastered on his face. If HiMERU could slap that look off of his face, he would. It appeared that Tatsumi's roommate Oogami was away, which made this almost perfect. If the younger Amagi, Shiratori and Ayase left, then maybe he'd catch something good.
"Mhm," he mutters to himself reassuringly.
He definitely won't regret this.
"Wahh! Tattsun-senpai, you're the best!" Aira squeals loudly, startling HiMERU. Aira brings Tatsumi into an embrace while HiMERU doesn't hesitate to lower the volume of his laptop.
"But are you sure this won't bother you? Or Oogami-senpai?"
"Haha, of course it won't! He's said he'd be busy for the whole day, with UNDEAD having some talk shows to go to, so it'll be fine." Tatsumi replies to Aira with such a gentle voice, HiMERU almost wanted to cry. But Tatsumi Kazehaya was Tatsumi Kazehaya, the ultimate sinner, the bane of his existence, and so he shall shed no tears for him, no matter what.
"Wow, talk shows! Those are fun, I hope they enjoy themselves!" Hiiro exclaims.
HiMERU likened Hiiro Amagi to a luminous ball of light, one he found himself slightly interested in. His older brother was lucky to have him. To still have him. "Thanks so much, Tatsumi-senpai!” The redhead says. He looked so genuinely appreciative, too. “It's good to save money this way, but I hope we won't end up being loud and disturbing the others in their dorms."
How conservative, but the walls in the Seisoukan Apartments aren't that thin anyway.
HiMERU takes a sip of water as he continues watching the screen. He was lucky Narukami and Nagumo were out, too. He wouldn't know how to explain this.
"Ah, Aira-san, you said something about practising for our livestream tomorrow…?" Mayoi points out. HiMERU notices how Aira's face lights up almost instantly. "Yes! I was thinking we could use Tatsumi's laptop for practice, so we can see ourselves!"
Oh, the livestream. If HiMERU remembered correctly, it would be at about 6 pm tomorrow…not that he was planning to watch it or anything.
"Heheh, Aira-san really loves live streaming. Once, I caught him practising, and he seemed so happy. ♪" Tatsumi laughs, almost like a cheeky father exposing their child on purpose. "T-Tattsun-senpai!" Aira quickly says, and he goes on trying to defend himself. Everyone else just giggled as Aira pouted in defeat. HiMERU stops paying attention.
HiMERU didn't want to watch anymore. He couldn't tell if the distaste in his mouth was from seeing Tatsumi so happy and free, or from seeing how close-knit they were.
They were almost like a family.
HiMERU was a little jealous. His heart ached.
He still kept on watching, though.
The group in front of HiMERU went on and on, joyously talking to their "fans" from behind the screen. Little did they know that someone was actually watching them.
HiMERU had to admit, he was a little impressed at how natural they all were, especially the blond. As he sat in his seat comfortably, he felt like an admirer of ALKALOID. It was as if he was one of their many fans being entertained by them. But if he was a fan, it appeared that he was special, because he had a show all to himself. It was so special that even ALKALOID themself didn't know they were entertaining him.
To be an idol, to us, is to bring a smile to others' faces, HiMERU recalls the words ALKALOID had said once, and it rang in his head. It was such a sweet reminder of why they were saying such loving words to the screen. They wanted to be able to make their fans happy, to save them from distress and to bring some relief to their anxieties, even if it was only for a little while. He admired that ideal of theirs.
But their voices eventually started to blend in with each other as they went on and on. Their words became background music to HiMERU's ears.
HiMERU brings his focus back to Tatsumi. He starts to examine Tatsumi's face, taking in every breathtaking feature. Tatsumi Kazehaya was almost flawless. He seemed to be missing something. Hm, he had two beauty marks under his purple eyes that shined brighter than amethysts. He had mint-coloured hair, styled so nicely to fit the frame of his face. The colour reminded him of Kaname and how he loved mints. Correction, how he loves mints.
As long as HiMERU is here, as long as 'I' am here, Kaname is still thriving. And so will his dreams.
But first, he'll need Tatsumi to get out of his way.
The corners of Tatsumi's mouth instantaneously perked up in a way HiMERU suddenly found endearing. It looked like he had done that on cue, just to scare him after he thought of getting rid of him. He convinced himself that he was just getting distracted. That the timing was just a coincidence. Plus, being attracted to his smile, to this saint bastard's smile, meant absolutely nothing.
HiMERU finally knows what's missing in Tatsumi's look.
HiMERU's hands around Tatsumi's neck, and Tatsumi pleading for him to stop, with the look of ultimate suffering on his face. Tears cascading down his cheeks and him gasping for air as he begs for his life to be spared would be the cherry on top. He'd look absolutely flawless that way; when the hands of HiMERU are his personal and exclusive necklace.
Repent for your transgressions, HiMERU threatened Tatsumi internally. After all, the reason why he was watching this in the first place was to retrieve something that could be used against the priest.
He started concentrating on their voices again, listening to their conversation. They appeared to be talking about their favourite dishes or snacks, and how it cheered them up on their downcast days. But as he listened, his gaze was on Tatsumi and Tatsumi only.
Love and hate come intertwined. Who knows, maybe if "HiMERU" wasn't in this situation now, he could be Tatsumi Kazehaya's greatest fan. Tatsumi would be the apple of his eye, the one he loves so dearly. He would watch the livestream tomorrow, with the widest smile he’ll have in his life.
But it appeared that he didn’t need to have that life to grin from ear to ear by looking at Tatsumi. He realises his mouth is sore, and his smile drops.
HiMERU reprimands himself for such embarrassing thoughts, but wonders why he feels so fluttery inside upon imagining a life like that. Him, being a fan of Tatsumi? It should be the other way around. He would never forgive himself if the line between love and hate began to blur, so he dismisses the thoughts in a flash.
As Mayoi talked about grapes, HiMERU observed Tatsumi, who discreetly took out his phone. What he checked must have gotten him excited, for he broke out into a wide smile uncontrollably. He quickly tried to hide it, but to no avail. The others noticed it right away, and so did HiMERU.
"Umu, Tatsumi-senpai, what did you see on your phone?" Hiiro inquired as he and Mayoi and Aira looked over at the elephant in the room. Tatsumi is instantly flustered. He turned off his phone before putting it down, screen first. "Nothing, sorry. Uh, I need to settle something first. Is it okay if you meet me at the garden later? You know, the one near the fountain? We can continue there."
HiMERU doesn't miss the looks of concern and bewilderment by the other ALKALOID members. They agreed to Tatsumi's proposal, though rather reluctantly, and left as they said their farewells to Tatsumi. Echoes of, "Take care!" and "Call us if you need help!" followed as they shut the door. It is now only Tatsumi. Well, technically Tatsumi and HiMERU. But Tatsumi doesn't know that.
Tatsumi stares straight into the webcam, grinning like a Cheshire cat, and HiMERU swears that the room was getting hotter. Frankly, HiMERU was getting intimidated. He gulps.
This is what HiMERU has been waiting for. What did Tatsumi see on his phone, and why did he need to be alone? Why was he so…happy?
This better be good.
Tatsumi is looking down again. The light from his phone is illuminating his face, making him look more ethereal and saint-like than he already is. What is he doing?
HiMERU jumps up in his seat when his phone starts to ring.
He catches himself from voicing out his sudden shock as he tries to regain his composure. He swore that his heart almost leaped out of his throat. Who the fuck was it now? His hand is on his chest, feeling his elevated heart rate. He breathed in and out slowly but surely to calm himself, but nothing could prepare him for what he saw on his phone.
Tatsumi Kazehaya, the person who he has been watching, or should he say, stalking, is now calling him.
HiMERU steadily turns his head from his phone to his laptop screen, stunned. Tatsumi's eyes bore into HiMERU's own eyes so scarily, despite the fact that the screen separated them. Tatsumi was sitting ramrod straight. His glare was hard, but he was still smiling so brightly. His phone was next to his ear, and he was unnaturally stiff. HiMERU was getting mixed signals. He picks up and puts Tatsumi on speaker as he lowered the volume of his laptop.
"...Hello?" HiMERU manages to sound out in his distress. Tatsumi relaxes back into his chair, and is no longer glaring. Instead, he looks pretty thrilled to hear HiMERU's voice. He continues to look into the webcam, but he's gazing into it rather softly this time. He's all smiles. HiMERU is frightened by the sudden shift. Despite HiMERU's fear, Tatsumi's smile still causes his heart to flutter.
"Ah, HiMERU-san!~" he cheers joyously. His voice echoed majestically in both HiMERU's phone and laptop. Surprisingly, there was almost no delay. HiMERU takes a deep breath to calm his nerves.
HiMERU will not oppose the idea of him being terrified in this situation, because he is. He fiddles with his fingers.
"Why are you calling HiMERU?" he exclaims. He's trying to sound mad at Tatsumi, like how he would always be, but he was unsure if Tatsumi was convinced. Did he vociferate well enough? Did he choke up?
Tatsumi laughs tenderly as a response.
"No reason," he breathes out, voice gratified like it was laced with sweet, sweet honey. His sugary voice goes even softer. "I just missed you."
HiMERU doesn't know how to respond. His brain seemed to have short-circuited at his implications and sweet delivery. He shakes his head, clearing his mess of a mind, but he still can't piece the words together for a reply.
"You know, HiMERU-san," Tatsumi breaks the silence. HiMERU looks into his eyes intensely, and Tatsumi seems to look back at him. HiMERU gives no mind to the lump in his throat.
HiMERU has been affrighted by the one and only Tatsumi Kazehaya, the holy one everyone deemed a saint. HiMERU knew Tatsumi didn't deserve to be called one, but he still behaved like one. Although right now, he didn't seem to be acting like one.
He was acting strange today, and he didn't like that.
HiMERU braces himself, his finger above the red button to hang up.
Tatsumi's mouth opens, and so he speaks.
"Why don't you come to my dorm instead of watching me through my webcam?"
HiMERU immediately hangs up.
Tatsumi does not react, he simply puts down his phone and continues looking forward into HiMERU's eyes, as if he could see the dismay written all over HiMERU's face.
Could he see him?
"You shouldn't do this, HiMERU-san. It's an invasion of privacy, haha! ♪"
HiMERU considers closing everything, slamming his laptop shut, ignoring this all and just leaving. But HiMERU is shamefully horror-stricken. What good, or bad, would leaving this situation bring?
"...Do you miss me too?" Tatsumi asks. His grin was so enchanting; so indisputably charming.
"Why should 'I'?" HiMERU replies, as if Tatsumi could still hear him. Maybe he could. And maybe, this was all a mistake.
Even when divided by a screen, purple still clashed with yellow as HiMERU stared hard. He couldn't see his reflection in Tatsumi's eyes. He was scared to blink, afraid that if he took his eyes off of him for one second, he'd disappear —
— and appear right behind him.
...Shit, this definitely was a mistake.
"You do miss me, don't you? If not, why would you be so desperate to watch me now?" Tatsumi giggles so elegantly HiMERU wonders if that giggle was him casting a spell. (If it was, maybe he should be in Switch instead of ALKALOID.)
HiMERU, though swooned, knows better than to linger any longer.
HiMERU slams his laptop shut so hard he's worried the screen broke. But that doesn't matter now.
…Firstly, what the fuck?
HiMERU's legs move faster than his mind can process anything. He almost collapses onto the floor. He shoots up, almost stumbling as he dashes out of his dorm room. His legs are all wobbly like jelly, but his mind was in shambles like the situation in Reimei Academy three years ago.
Chaotic, disorderly.
He tries not to pass by Tatsumi's dorm as he bolts towards the canteen.
What was he going to do there? He didn't know, he was panicking. He hoped Shiina would be there, cooking as per usual, but was greeted with nothing but disappointment when the chef wasn't anywhere in sight.
He should have stayed in his dorm room. Why did he run out?
Thunder rumbled and lightning flashed, drowning out the sounds of his footsteps. HiMERU realises how cold and dark it was. He licks his dry lips.
"Oh, HiMERU-chan!" a familiar voice called out to him. At that moment, HiMERU flinched so hard that the individuals calling him had a fright too. He doesn’t hide the relief he has when he takes sight of Arashi and Tetora. They both looked so calm and untroubled that when relief washed over him, he almost tripped as he took a seat with the duo. The concern was visible on their faces.
“HiMERU-chan? Are you alright?” Just Arashi’s voice itself was enough to calm HiMERU further. “You look troubled,” she takes ahold of HiMERU’s hand to reassure him. “...Are you running from someone?”
Tetora shot up when Arashi said that. Technically HiMERU was, but…
“HiMERU-senpai! If someone is troubling you, please tell us! Narukami-senpai can help, she’s really strong! And as a member of RYUSEITAI, I will not hesitate to help someone in need!” Tetora's voice was loud, but the flames of passion to help ignited in him seemed to crackle louder. What did HiMERU do to deserve such roommates?
"Ah, HiMERU is fine. Thank you for worrying for him," he regains his composure, trying to laugh as calmly as possible in response. "Would you two mind if HiMERU stayed here for a while?"
"No, it's fine, HiMERU-chan! It's rare for you to want to spend time with us during this time," Arashi mentions. "You're usually not free at this time, right?"
As she takes a bite of her chicken karaage, HiMERU tries to hide his surprise. He thought it was nice for someone to realise that. He nods silently. Tetora offers to get something for HiMERU, but he politely declines.
Usually, HiMERU would be doing…things at this time, but it appeared that he got distracted with Tatsumi.
Right, Tatsumi.
HiMERU was still in a daze after what happened, but he was no longer afraid. Rather, he had questions.
Did Tatsumi know that HiMERU was watching him? Did he find out by checking some mysterious thing on his phone? It seemed feasibly best to try and avoid Tatsumi after that. Or maybe, they could just pretend that never happened.
Even better, HiMERU could dispose of him there and now and cease to be HiMERU, starting from today. He wouldn't have to hear Tatsumi's voice anymore, the voice loathed with all his being.
"HiMERU-san, there you are!"
Speak of the devil.
He contemplated abducting him in inspiration of Knights, but decided that choking the owner of that voice to death would be better. He turns, and sees just who he had expected.
The Revolutionary of Reimei Academy, Tatsumi Kazehaya.
"Tatsumi Kazehaya," he scowled, voice laced with venom. He spit the name out of his mouth as if it was bitter. May God bless the pitiful on Tatsumi's behalf, for he will no longer be with them to do so.
"I've been looking for you! Thank you God for bringing me to you so quickly, Amen…♪" he took a moment to catch his breath as he leaned on a table near where the three were seated. HiMERU takes notice of Tatsumi's injured leg. He stands, fixing his jacket.
"Thank you for your hospitality, Narukami, Nagumo." HiMERU beamed amiably. "HiMERU shall be with Tatsumi. He will see you later tonight." He doesn't waste a second grabbing Tatsumi by the wrist as the two bid farewell.
HiMERU could start with smashing Tatsumi's injured leg, until his bones were shattered and his flesh clinged on to the rest of his body for dear life. That would give him a harsh reminder of what happened 3 years ago. He'll suffer remembering it all. But before he lets his fantasies overtake him, he'll allow negotiation. Tatsumi may be willing to act disingenuous, but that was only if Tatsumi makes it from HiMERU's hands alive.
He knew this was a mistake. He was already regretting it so badly. If only his hands weren't itching to watch him so desperately, to get something so desperately. He wouldn't be having the urge to commit an act against the law then. Or against the bible.
"Anyone who takes the life of a human being is to be put to death."
Would Tatsumi tell that to him if he did try? He suddenly felt like a petty child, he didn't want to hear those words from his dirty mouth. He was in shambles, he didn't know what he wanted anymore. He didn't bother looking back as he dragged the purple-eyed idol.
"Ah?! Uh, HiMERU-san, where are we going? I wanted to bring you to the garden with ALKALOID, but-"
"Shut your damn mouth."
Tatsumi is silent, and no further words were exchanged between the two, not even a whisper.
Muscle memory leads HiMERU back to his dorm, where he doesn't stop to think about pushing Tatsumi to the ground. The man in question yelps as he lands, and HiMERU fulfils his fantasy of the day. His hands slip around Tatsumi's neck like a sly snake with evil intent, and HiMERU is instantly pleased. He tightens his grip as Tatsumi gasps in a way HiMERU likes.
"Nothing happened." HiMERU says under his breath brusquely as he sits on top of the holy bastard. Tatsumi's hands find their way to HiMERU's wrists. He holds on to them roughly, desperate to rip them off.
HiMERU enjoys the raw emotions on Tatsumi's face: his furrowed eyebrows, his little sounds as he struggles for air, the way his head is tilted up slightly, his half-lidded eyes. Tatsumi Kazehaya was now perfect, and it was HiMERU's work of art. He imprints the image of Tatsumi's look into his mind, something he'll keep to himself forever. HiMERU's eyes were closed as he drew all his attention to Tatsumi's soft panting. He leans forward.
"HiMERU wasn't watching you. You weren't watching HiMERU. Nothing happened. They both don't say anything. Clear?" HiMERU whispers into Tatsumi's ear. Tatsumi shudders under him as he lets go of HiMERU's wrists.
"Crystal," Tatsumi manages to voice out, his voice sounding strained and choked up. HiMERU loved it. Tatsumi gags one last time before HiMERU lets go. Even in the dark room, the light from the lightning was cast upon Tatsumi's figure, enabling HiMERU to see his red neck that he was now stroking to relieve. It was now raining, but despite the heavy downpour, he could still hear Tatsumi's heavy breaths so perfectly.
ALKALOID must have gone back in. They were waiting for Tatsumi. He'll do this swiftly. But for now, he will enjoy himself. He readjusts his position on top of Tatsumi as Tatsumi cleared his throat.
HiMERU disregards their close proximity as Tatsumi coughs. "Good." HiMERU simply states.
For a while, there was nothing. Just the two of them, looking into each other's eyes silently as the sound of raindrops pattered against the room's window. HiMERU's gaze, though briefly, drifts over to Tatsumi's lips and Tatsumi starts laughing.
"I'm sorry. By any chance would you want me to give you my body as an apology? Or maybe, you would like to kill me instead?" Tatsumi's voice is raspy. He's smirking. HiMERU pushes him away.
"If you think killing me will help you, I won't mind. If it makes you happier, I can die on a cross for you." Tatsumi is chuckling. HiMERU knows those words all too well. "Ugh. Don't say things like that again."
"So, do you want my body instead?" Tatsumi tilts his head like a puppy.
"If this is out of your odd form of kindness, then no." HiMERU rolls his eyes as he looks away, and Tatsumi's grin falters.
"What if it was for a selfish reason instead?"
HiMERU's head instantly turns back to Tatsumi, and he is greeted with a smile he struggled to comprehend. Tatsumi's hands slip smoothly against HiMERU's skin, his right hand on HiMERU's cheek and his other resting on his neck. "You didn't answer me earlier. Do you miss me?"
HiMERU is flabbergasted. Was Tatsumi not held in his chokehold just now? If anything, this was just telling HiMERU that Tatsumi enjoyed being in his grasp. He gives thought to Tatsumi's words.
Maybe. Just maybe, he did miss Tatsumi Kazehaya. Maybe he did like being around him. But he would never admit to it.
If Tatsumi were to love him, which part of him would he love? Which HiMERU was he willing to be with? Which HiMERU did he miss?
HiMERU trembles as he leans into Tatsumi's hand. He holds onto his smooth hands as he closes his eyes. Tatsumi is quiet, and the rain distracts HiMERU from everything.
"...You don't actually miss 'me', do you?" HiMERU doesn't say anything else. Tatsumi breathes in deeply before he replies. "...I don't just miss HiMERU. Of course, I miss Kaname."
"..."
"But out of both the HiMERUs, the one I find myself longing for the most is you."
HiMERU almost cries. He bites his lip. "You better apologise well," he pouts. "Because 'I'm' still mad."
They look into each other's eyes deeply. HiMERU swears he'd drown in Tatsumi's eyes willingly, anytime, anyday. The sound of the downpour outside is nothing to HiMERU anymore as he listens to Tatsumi's breathing.
HiMERU feels incredibly guilty, but if Tatsumi Kazehaya deserved to commit sins, shouldn't he?
They were only human and impure, after all.
HiMERU stays frozen in place as Tatsumi leans in.
HiMERU has never kissed anyone, nor has he been kissed by anyone before. He didn't expect it to be something magical or blissful, as described in the books he had read. Honestly, he didn't have any expectations for his first kiss either. He didn't think it would be something he would long for. But when Tatsumi's lips met his, he instantly wanted more.
A sweet, passionate kiss. He never thought it would be like that. But here he was.
Tatsumi didn't stop, and HiMERU didn't want him to. He clings onto him as their lips pressed together.
HiMERU no longer has questions. ALKALOID can wait.
He grabs Tatsumi's hair helplessly as Tatsumi nibbles on his bottom lip. Their clammy hands were intertwined as the kiss became deeper. It was rough. HiMERU wanted to explode. Every part of HiMERU that was in contact with Tatsumi's body felt like it was on flames.
He doesn't see himself regretting this anytime soon. This was no longer a mistake. He'll end Tatsumi Kazehaya one day, but today was not the day. HiMERU stops to gasp for air, but goes back in for more. Tatsumi complies, his tongue slipping through HiMERU's lips.
HiMERU will hack into Tatsumi Kazehaya's webcam again.