Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Fuck. I think my water just broke.”

Yoongi’s coffee mug hovers an inch off his lips. He’s had a slow morning; he woke up a little late, struggled to get dressed and feed Keys at the same time, and realized he was out of coffee. When he got to work, everything was fine. Things were swell, and normal. Yoongi’s days are always like this.

Well, until now.

When Yoongi looks over at Jiyeon, there indeed is a dark patch forming on the inside of her pant leg. Yoongi sets down his coffee, a little aggressively as his groggy brain struggles to process the situation.

“Min Yoongi, I swear on the life of my unborn child, if you don’t call my husband—”

“Noona, I got it,” Namjoon interjects from the table, scrambling to take out his phone and dial Seokjin’s phone number. Yoongi is still a little lost on what’s happening. He hardly remembers what happened when Jiyeon had her first baby. “Yoongi-hyung, grab the baby bag?”

Yoongi scratches his nose. “It’s early,” he blurts, feeling dumbfounded as Jiyeon leans over, crying out in pain. That seems to kick him into motion. “Holy shit, Jiyeon-ah.”

“Yoongi,” Jiyeon practically growls, “get the baby bag.”

“Right.” Yoongi spins on his heel, rushing out to Jiyeon’s office, eyes darting around the room. He grabs the black duffel that has lived in the corner for the last couple of weeks, returning to the break room. “What do you need?”

Jiyeon flaps one hand in the air silently. Yoongi doesn’t really know what that means, digging through the duffel for any hints. When his hand shoves aside a towel, Jiyeon shouts incoherently, and Yoongi is smart enough to know that’s what she wants. He spreads it onto one of the break room chairs, helping her sit afterwards.

“Jin-hyung is on his way,” Namjoon announces, fumbling while opening a bottle of water. Yoongi steadies Jiyeon with his hands on her shoulders. “Noona, can you hold out for as long as it takes for him to get here?”

“If he’s not here in fifteen minutes, then Yoongi is taking me to the hospital.”

“What?” Yoongi takes his hands back suddenly. He didn’t sign-up for that. He doesn’t know the first thing about pregnancy. “No I’m not.”

Jiyeon twists Yoongi’s arm, gritting between her clenched teeth: “Listen to me, you are the only person here in this room who has a car and I don’t trust anyone else to drive me all the way to my hospital.”

“Okay. Okay,” Yoongi says, and decides to let her hold onto his arm. If it makes her feel better in this presumably painful moment, then he can totally deal with it. Even if it feels like she’s going to rip his arm off. “Uh—shouldn’t you call your doctor too?”

“Yes,” Jiyeon snaps, muttering under her breath. She shoves her phone towards Namjoon, who is frantically speaking to Seokjin again. Yoongi can feel sweat trickling down the back of his neck. It isn’t even his baby and he’s getting worked up. “Yoongi-yah, water.”

Yoongi wrenches his arm free from the unrelenting grip and tilts Jiyeon’s chin up to pour water into her mouth. She gulps it down, goes back to mumbling numbers under her breath, a painful sounding groan falling from her mouth. Yoongi hovers, worried, still unfamiliar with this. He’s spent a fair amount of time around their first son, but that was after the kid was born.

“Shit. Right before the special starts too,” Jiyeon says, eyes fixated on Namjoon talking on the phone. He’s speaking so fast that Yoongi can’t understand him. Honestly, he can’t understand much of what’s going on here without coffee in his system. “Namjoon-ah. I can’t host the Jungkook special.”

Fuck.

“That’s understandable, noona. Seokjin-hyung is on his way now,” Namjoon says, rummaging through the duffel bag, taking out a straw. He slides it into the water bottle—Yoongi kicks himself for not thinking of it first—and guides it to Jiyeon’s mouth. “He should be here in five minutes. Your doctor said as long as your contractions are far apart, then you won’t go into labor yet.”

Yoongi doesn’t know what most of that means. He just hopes this baby comes out healthy, even if it’s three weeks early.

“I can find someone to cover the special,” Namjoon rambles, massaging Jiyeon’s shoulders, while she still holds onto Yoongi with her death grip. But all his mind is clouding with is the thought of doing the Jungkook special. “Don’t worry about it, it’s fine, we’ll find someone.”

As the panic rises in Namjoon’s voice, Yoongi wonders how they could possibly find someone else on such short notice. Every other host has their own show at their own time slots—of course, each show has a crew of designated staff, but no one would be able to take on something this huge without any prior knowledge.

Namjoon himself surely won’t be able to take this on. He’s already co-hosting The Sunshine Show alongside Yoongi and organizing this whole special as a promotion test. If he succeeds with the special, then he gets his own morning show since the last host retired. Yoongi knows how much this means to Namjoon.

“Okay, just—shut up Namjoon-ah,” Yoongi snaps, once he’s heard enough of Namjoon spewing self-assurances, and Jiyeon is gripping his forearm so tight that he thinks her nails might pierce his skin. “I’ll do the special.”

“Hyung,” Namjoon says, a bewildered look on his face. Something in the air briefly settles at Yoongi’s words, and he’s not surprised. Everyone he knows must think he’s been dreading this special, and he has, but hearing Namjoon rambling is making him stressed. “I could never ask that of you.”

“I’ll be fine. No one else can do it better than me, you know that,” Yoongi replies, his other hand curling into a fist when Jiyeon digs her nails in deeper. She cries out her husband’s name, and the stillness in the air is gone as fast as it came. “Look, I’ll do the fucking special. I can be professional with him.”

Namjoon looks like he wants to protest, but the expression fades the moment Yoongi gives him a stern eyebrow raise. If Namjoon wants to test him, he can try all he wants; Yoongi won’t change his mind. He’s hosting the Jungkook special and that’s final.

Once Seokjin arrives, things become blurry until Jiyeon is in the passenger seat of her husband’s car. Yoongi gives Seokjin a quick hug, wishing them good luck before they drive away. As quiet finds Yoongi’s heart, he realizes the kind of decision he made in the heat of the moment.

Fuck. I’m hosting the Jungkook special.

The whole day, Yoongi is even more on edge. He’s a bit jumpy when people pop their heads into his and Namjoon’s office, and he doesn’t chat as much on air. All he can think of is the way he felt five years ago, and how he refuses to feel that way again. When Namjoon emails him the questions Jiyeon prepared for the three-day show, Yoongi immediately prints them out to look over.

The words swirl around Yoongi’s brain as he analyzes them. They’re excellent questions; Yoongi already knows the answers to some. That information is stored in his brain completely against his will, but there isn’t much he can do to reverse committing to this. He’s doing the special, even if it means revisiting feelings he has left behind years ago.

When Yoongi gets home that evening, he pages through the questions again after eating dinner, jotting notes in the margins, marking questions he knows Jungkook would appreciate being asked. Yoongi strokes Keys’ head when she crawls into his lap, tilting the papers down to her eye level. She paws at them, then nibbles on the corner of the page.

“Yah, what did I tell you about eating paper,” Yoongi grumbles, forcing her jaw open to pick the paper out of her mouth. He can tell that Keys probably doesn’t support him doing this. “I know he’s a terrible person, baby, but Jiyeonie and Namjoonie need me to do this.”

Keys rubs her head against Yoongi’s palm and wiggles her ears.

“Yeah, yeah. I can be professional. You don’t have to worry about me.”

As if she can understand him, Keys twists her neck and narrows her little eyes.

Yoongi flicks her wet nose with the side of his index finger, cracking a grin. “You can’t scratch him, no.”

Keys decides she’s finished with their one-sided conversation and hops off his lap to curl up on the window sill. Yoongi glances back at the papers spread in front of him. Night Town with Kang Jiyeon: Jungkook’s Special Comeback Radio Show spelled at the top of the first page makes Yoongi feel so physically ill that he considers running to the bathroom to throw up.

The door opens and shuts while Yoongi continues working, still scribbling notes, but also contemplating whether or not he should throw himself out the window for making such a brash decision. He rotates between feeling confident enough to face Jungkook again, and wondering how he’s going to face Jungkook again for three days straight.

“Hey hyung,” Hoseok calls from the entrance, pulling off his jacket as he treks into the kitchen. Yoongi just nods a greeting, twirling his pen. Maybe if he prays hard enough, his car will break before he has to go to work tomorrow. Or he’ll wake up with a cold. Or he can say that Keys got sick. “What’re you working on? Segment for the show?”

“Uh…” Yoongi scratches the back of his neck with his pen. It seems the news of his takeover hasn’t reached Hoseok quite yet. “Jiyeon and Seokjin-hyung had their baby.”

Hoseok arches his eyebrows, a smile spreading across his face. “Oh shit, that’s amazing. Early, but amazing,” he says, getting a glass and pouring himself water. He looks tired, but excited. “Have you met the little one yet?”

Yoongi shakes his head and bites his lip, unsure of how to say it. Of course he’s excited about the newborn—he got a picture of the family at lunch—but the rest of the day has been a little preoccupied.

“I’m taking over for Jiyeon’s special this week,” Yoongi says, looking back at the questions, his pen tracing a line under Jungkook’s name. “I’m hosting it instead.”

“Isn’t that great for you?” Hoseok asks, looking in the refrigerator, just glancing at Yoongi for a second. He takes out two cans of beer and sets them both on the kitchen table. “You sound, like, worked up about it.”

Yoongi laughs awkwardly and pops a can open, slurping up a few mouthfuls, then asks, “Do you not remember who the special is for, Hoseok-ah?”

It takes a few moments. An angry, dark expression falls over Hoseok’s face. He looks like he might commit a crime or something. Yoongi doesn’t really blame him, not after everything he went through.

“No way,” Hoseok says, sitting down across from Yoongi. “You’re not fucking doing that.”

“I have to,” Yoongi defends, as if he didn’t volunteer to do it. But if he tells Hoseok that, then he’ll think Yoongi is doing it for an ulterior reason, when it’s really just to reduce stress for Jiyeon and Namjoon. “Tell me who the fuck else is going to. No one would be able to.”

Hoseok shakes his head. “Hyung, are you being for real right now?” he asks, picking up Yoongi’s stack of papers, paging through the notes. Yoongi shifts, uncomfortable—he may or may not have said some not very nice things there in a short fit of rage. “Can you handle this?”

“It’s been five years,” Yoongi replies, hugging Keys to his stomach when she climbs into his lap again. She purrs quietly, keeping his thighs warm with the heat in her tiny body. “I can handle seeing him for three days. It’s only three days. You’re worrying about nothing.”

“Hyung.”

“I am not having this conversation, Hoba.”

“Yoongi-hyung.”

Yoongi looks up at Hoseok’s deliberating eyes. His face is more relaxed now, but Yoongi knows there’s stacks upon stacks of pent up anger for Jungkook and what he did. Yoongi knows; he has that anger too, but he’ll be damned if it topples during the show. It’s career-risking, and he has spent seven years building his career. He won’t let one slip-up ruin that.

“Listen, Hoseok, I can do this,” Yoongi says, lifting Keys to face Hoseok. He puts on his best smile, shaking his cat from side to side. “Don’t you believe in me? Keys does.”

“She looks like she wants to murder you.”

“She loves me,” Yoongi says, kissing all over her face, until she yowls and squirms free. She skitters onto the floor when she breaks free, then disappears into Yoongi’s bedroom. Yoongi watches solemnly. “Okay, maybe she doesn’t love when I do that, but she does love me.” Hoseok is smiling now. “Point is, I got this. I promise.”

Hoseok sighs, pushing the papers back across the table. “Fine,” he says, tongue poking past his lips. He taps his index finger on the page where Yoongi’s angry message sits. “But if you genuinely feel things like this? Then I’m telling Namjoon to take you off this project.”

“It was a moment of weakness,” Yoongi says, although his you’re so evil and cruel how could u do this i never want to speak to u ever again written in the corner of the page doesn’t do much to support his claim. He didn’t mean it. Well, not entirely. And certainly not five years later. “I’ll do amazing. I’ll fucking—I don’t know. But I’m not fucking this up.”

“You better not,” Hoseok says with a soft snort of laughter, tipping back his can of beer. “His fans will eat you alive if you do. And since it’s happening tomorrow and I can’t stop you without making Namjoon freak out, then I guess you have to do it.” Yoongi nods; exactly what he was saying. “But, again, I’ll tell Namjoon to take you off if I have to.”

Yoongi blows it off, despite the impending cloud of doom forming in his stomach. He has no idea what the next three days are about to bring him.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

++

When Yoongi opens his eyes the next morning, it’s way too bright outside his window.

Which means he’s late. And he can’t be late, not today, because today he is going to see Jungkook for the first time in five years.

So Yoongi scrambles out of his bed with Keys padding after him into the bathroom, deciding to simultaneously brush his teeth and choose an outfit. His alarm clock is flashing at him when he checks the time; Keys must have accidentally unplugged it overnight. Yoongi grabs his phone as he heads back to the bathroom.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” Yoongi says after spitting out his toothpaste, checking the time. He has twenty minutes to leave—twenty minutes that he usually spends drinking coffee and having breakfast. Twenty minutes that he will now spend showering and getting dressed and making himself camera-ready.

When Yoongi gets to work, Jungkook is already there. He’s surrounded by staff, both his own and the station’s, and Namjoon is there. Namjoon is smiling and talking, and Yoongi can’t really see Jungkook that well considering the crowd around him. Yoongi beelines for the breakroom. Coffee first.

He makes coffee in his cat-shaped mug, taking out his annotated questions, flipping through them as he eats a donut from the box that someone left. Yoongi checks his watch when he finishes his coffee, relieved to find there’s a huge amount of time before the show actually starts. He forgot he’s doing evening and not midday.

“Hyung,” Namjoon says, leaning into their shared office. It’s only been about twenty minutes since Yoongi left the breakroom, and he narrowly missed running into Jungkook before he actually had to. Yoongi looks up from his phone, texting Jiyeon about his panic. “You good?”

“I ate a donut,” Yoongi says. If he deflects, maybe Namjoon won’t notice how nervous he is. “It was chocolate and had rainbow sprinkles on it.”

Namjoon smiles, kind and understanding. “Thought you’d like them,” he says, and it dawns on Yoongi that of course Namjoon was the one to bring donuts on a day like today. “I know we’re not on-air until later tonight, but there’s still a ton of things we need to get done. Plus, I can’t do The Sunshine Show by myself.”

“You still want me to do that and do the special?” Yoongi could throw something. Maybe his phone. Namjoon eyes him apologetically. He must have told Yoongi yesterday, and Yoongi forgot in the whirl of stress. “Fine. Uh, we need to do a meeting or something?”

“Five minutes out. I sent you an email an hour ago.”

“I really hate you for not telling me sooner. Or like, reminding me last night. You know I don’t check my email in the morning,” Yoongi grumbles, turning off his computer, using his phone to find the email that Namjoon sent. He scrolls through the agenda as he trails after Namjoon to the meeting room.

They stop outside of the meeting room. Finally, Yoongi can see Jungkook’s face through the window.

He hasn’t changed drastically in the last five years. Of course he’s gotten older; his jawline is more defined, there are tattoos trailing up his left arm. His hair is dyed purple—that’s certainly different. But as Yoongi looks at him, he realizes that Jungkook’s smile is exactly the same.

And his eyes. God, Yoongi loved his eyes the most. They always held so much enthusiasm and ambition. Yoongi loved to stare at them, to just get lost in them, but when he sees them now, he feels like throwing something again. He doesn’t know why.

Yoongi enters the meeting room; there’s soft morning chatter between some of Yoongi’s coworkers, and Jungkook is talking to who Yoongi assumes is his manager. Until, he’s not talking, and instead looking at Yoongi with his enormous, innocent eyes.

But Yoongi knows that Jungkook is not as innocent as he looks. He is mean, and he is cruel, and he broke Yoongi’s heart without even batting his pretty eyes. Yoongi has learned that looks can be deceiving. Jungkook played him so easily, and everything about their relationship—or rather, the end of it—comes rushing back.

Jungkook stands after their eyes linger on each other for a couple of seconds. He folds into a bow towards Yoongi, saying, “I’m Jungkook. It’s nice to meet you.”

Ah, Yoongi thinks, we’re pretending.

In that case, Yoongi returns the bow and replies, “Min Yoongi. My radio personality is called DJ Suga. I’ll be hosting the next three days.”

Jungkook smiles when he looks at Yoongi again. Maybe he forgot. Maybe their relationship didn’t mean the same things to him, even though Yoongi was sure it did.

“I’m excited to work with you, Yoongi-ssi,” Jungkook says, and excitement is definitely present in his attitude, energy practically vibrating off him. Yoongi nods curtly and doesn’t return the statement, because he’s far from excited. What he feels is more like dread. Or horror. Either works.

Yoongi tacks on his professional smile throughout the meeting. He’s had very minimal interactions with idols and celebrities while working here, granted he often remains in the background with the other sound engineers, even if he co-hosts The Sunshine Show with Namjoon now. Even that was a lucky draw.

Jungkook’s staff seems to like him. Yoongi is personable when he wants to be, even if outside of work he prefers to be left unbothered. The meeting ends about fifty minutes later, with approval for Yoongi’s questions about the comeback and title track concepts, and a loose script of how tonight’s program is going to look.

Yoongi, like yesterday, doesn’t speak much during The Sunshine Show. He lets Namjoon talk, occasionally pitches in with funny remarks, because he’s too distracted by the fact that he’s going to interview Jungkook for an hour today. By himself.

“Lunch,” Namjoon says during a commercial break, sliding a sandwich across the table. Yoongi catches it, sending a grateful nod. “Look, I know this sucks and it’s hard for you to see him, but there’s going to be cameras around you and I need you to look more lively than you do right now. Because you look like I just killed Keys.”

“I think Keys would make everything better,” Yoongi says with a dramatic sigh, unwrapping his sandwich. He takes a bite, scowling down at his soundboard. “Also how could you say that? Keys is my lifeline. You can’t talk about killing her like it’s nothing.”

“Hey. I like Keys.”

“She literally hates you, Namjoon-ah.”

“No she—”

Yoongi raises his eyebrows, cutting Namjoon off with, “Last time you came over, she tried to claw your socks off. She hates you.” He takes another bite of his sandwich. “Apologize for insinuating about her death. On the air because you deserve it.”

With a heavy sigh, Namjoon pulls his mic towards his mouth. Yoongi puts his headphones on, keeping them over one ear only.

“We have a few more songs coming up for you, but Suga-hyung has called me out for insulting his cat,” Namjoon says, sending Yoongi an eye roll from across the room.

Yoongi gestures for him to continue. “Go on,” he says into his mic, nudging Namjoon in the right direction. “Apologize to Keys.”

“Sorry to Keys, Suga-hyung’s cat,” Namjoon says, followed by a sigh, and a subtle middle finger. Yoongi grins and shrugs, loving when he gets his way with controlling Namjoon. “To make it even better, I’ll admit that she hates me. Whenever I go to hyung’s apartment, she wants me dead.” Yoongi smiles wider. “Anyway, here is some new TWICE.”

Yoongi laughs out loud when they’re off the air again. He feels much more relaxed after that, even if the reality of having to interview Jungkook is still looming over him. There’s less tension in his muscles. Maybe he really can do this. It doesn’t have to all be a lie for Hoseok’s conscience.

That sliver of faith pretty much dies immediately when Yoongi is faced one-on-one with Jungkook for the first time.

It’s about ten minutes before the show begins, and Yoongi went to the restroom to calm down a sudden small flurry of nerves. He’s talking to himself in the mirror, as one does, when Jungkook steps out of a stall. Yoongi’s voice falters. How embarrassing. Jungkook just heard him try to calm himself down.

Jungkook washes his hands, looking at Yoongi through the mirror for a moment. He smiles when they make eye contact, and Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“Yoongi-hyung,” Jungkook says, wiping his hands with paper napkins, still gazing at Yoongi with this soft, welcoming look. Yoongi has to avert his eyes elsewhere, unable to look at him without feeling something inside him. “I, uh, I’m really—It’s really cool that you’re able to do this. I know it’s what you wanted.”

Yoongi doesn’t say anything at first. He takes a deep breath, then another, just to control himself from saying something he shouldn’t. Something along the lines of being two-faced and fake.

“Don’t call me that,” Yoongi says calmly, looking in the mirror just for a moment to fix his hair. He looks back at Jungkook, gaze falling to the purse of Jungkook’s lips instead of his eyes. For a second, he remembers what it felt like to kiss them, but he looks away before those thoughts can snowball. “Especially not on the air. Stick to Suga.”

“Suga,” Jungkook repeats, nodding enthusiastically.

Yoongi steps forward, then just walks past Jungkook, towards the door. He doesn’t wait around to find out if Jungkook has something more he wants to say. Whatever it may be, Yoongi wouldn’t want to hear it anyway.

He settles in his chair in front of the monitor, sliding on his headphones, briefly reviewing his notes and script. Yoongi doesn’t like the feeling he gets when Jungkook steps into the room, politely bowing at the station staff members, then sitting diagonally from Yoongi. He doesn’t like how Jungkook smiles so easily.

“Good evening everyone,” Yoongi says into his mic, shooting Namjoon a look with raised eyebrows. Namjoon returns a reassuring thumbs up. “I am your host, Suga, in case you’re new here. For the next three days, to celebrate his debut anniversary and comeback, Night Town presents exclusive interviews and special performances with Jungkook.”

For a moment, Yoongi hesitates. He’s reading off his script, but Jungkook keeps staring at him and he hates it.

Yoongi flicks his eyes to Jungkook and forces a smile. “Welcome to the studio, Jungkook-ssi,” he tells Jungkook, shoving as much warmth into his voice as possible, without sounding fake.

“It’s good to be here again,” Jungkook says, and Yoongi nearly rips off his headphones when his voice filters through it.

“Congrats on the new album and your upcoming anniversary,” Yoongi says, hoping it doesn't sound like he’s dying inside. “We played the title track, Yours, during the earlier segment. It’s catchy, I liked it. I heard you were heavily involved with the production.”

Jungkook’s eyes are still soft, too wondrous. “Yes, I worked on every song on the album. It was—a new experience,” he says, and smiles at Yoongi, laughing quietly. Yoongi’s toes curl in his shoes.

“What can you tell us about the process?” Yoongi asks, not even looking at the script anymore. He may or may not have memorized the questions in a fit of panic.

“Ah, well. The songs, lyrically, have been written over the course of the last five or six years. I think maybe that’s why it’s such a significant album,” Jungkook says, twirling his finger around the cord of his headphones. Yoongi wishes he could look anywhere but at Jungkook. “My producer came to me and asked what I wanted this comeback to sound like. And when I said, ‘everything,’ we just rolled with it.”

Yoongi nods a couple of times, glancing at Namjoon again, then back at Jungkook. “And when you say, ‘everything,’ what does that mean? Broadly and specifically to you.”

“I think we hear a lot of songs which maybe feel like they don't apply to us. At least I do,” Jungkook laughs again, “so I wanted to take ‘everything’ and just open up a world where it’s more—ah, how do you say it—”

“Encapsulating?” Yoongi offers, forcing his mouth into another smile. Jungkook nods fervently, grinning back at Yoongi. Something flips in his stomach. “And what about specifically to you?”

Jungkook rubs the back of his neck, donning a shyer smile. “It was like sitting in my memories,” he says, sighing into the mic, leaning his arms on the table. Yoongi nods along like he’s supposed to. “Do you ever do that, Suga-ssi? Like, you revisit something from the past and then try to capture that feeling somewhere.”

“Sure,” Yoongi says, shrugging like he doesn’t know what Jungkook is talking about. When in reality, he spent so many hours doing just that with their relationship. He always asked himself why he wasn’t good enough, then channeled that into his work, his now-abandoned music. “Is there a particular memory or feeling you were drawing from?”

“Not really,” Jungkook says, shaking his head. He runs his hands through the back of his hair, and Yoongi watches with misery simmering in his stomach. Why did he ever think he could do this? Sit in front of his ex and talk for an hour? “I think the point was to take generic feelings. And that’s kind of the point of the album. It’s going through a list of different emotions.”

Yoongi nods again. “What about Yours? Which emotion did that come from?”

“Love, I think.” Jungkook averts his eyes from Yoongi, and Yoongi remembers that there’s a camera trained on him, and that he’s live on the air so he doesn’t call Jungkook out on it. “Not necessarily romantic love. But that feeling of belonging. Of going, ‘okay, I love you and I like being yours.’ That kind of thing. Like, loyalty.”

Ironic.

“Do you have that somewhere?”

“With the fans, of course. When I’m up on stage and they’re singing my song back at me, it’s just like—” Jungkook stops to make this wide hand gesture, and Yoongi remembers thinking he was cute for that, but now everything associated with their history is just sour and rotten. Like curdled milk. “—like nothing else I’ve ever felt. They make it feel worth it.”

The rest of the interview flows like that. Jungkook talks more about each song on the album; anger, love, sadness, happiness, fear, heartbreak, loneliness. He talks about his experiences with anxiety and times he’s felt so low that he thought things were hopeless. When he talks, he tries to look Yoongi directly in the eye, but Yoongi doesn’t let him.

The interview ends with a casual goodnight. Jungkook is a little flushed, smiling wide when they go off the air and the cameras are turned off. Yoongi can’t breathe, not while he’s sitting in the same room as Jungkook, so he returns to his desk as fast as possible to get his belongings.

On the way to the elevator, he hears Jungkook calling his name. His real name. The same way he used to call him back then, and Yoongi never thought that would still hurt.

“Yoongi-hyung!” Jungkook shouted, so bright and happy, running from the bus stop, towards Yoongi a few feet away. He didn’t hesitate to press their lips together in a brief, warm peck. “I’m so excited, and hungry, let’s go! Let’s go, hyung, come on!”

“I’m coming, Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi said, laughing as he followed Jungkook down the street, feeling in love.

“Yoongi-hyung.”

His name is softer in Jungkook’s mouth, now spoken with caution and fear. Jungkook doesn’t approach Yoongi at all, standing several feet away, hovering as if getting too close is dangerous. Yoongi wants to run away; he didn’t like seeing Jungkook today—so content without him. So unaffected.

“What?” Yoongi asks, and maybe the words come out harsher than he means, but he doesn’t know why he should care. Not when he knows Jungkook’s true nature, behind this mask of fake niceties.

“I, um, wanted to say—um—” He’s still so shy, Yoongi thinks, then scolds himself for thinking that. Because no, Jungkook broke him and he wouldn’t do that if he was shy. “Just. You did great on interviewing. They told me you’re filling in for someone.”

Yoongi presses his lips together and nods. “Yeah,” he says, gripping the strap of his bag. He doesn’t want Jungkook to get any ideas that they should be friendly outside of this. “Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you,” Jungkook calls out, as Yoongi turns his back and walks away.

Alone in his car, Yoongi leans his forehead on the steering wheel, trying to breathe again. He doesn’t know when he started crying, but his face is wet when he lifts it, and he drives himself to the convenience store to stuff his face with ramen.

Except, Yoongi can’t stop thinking about Jungkook. He never thought that he would feel this way again; feel like Jungkook is everywhere that he goes, boxing him in, suffocating him.

When he checks out at the convenience store, Jungkook’s smiling face is on his ramen packet. Yoongi rips the package open, sniffling as he cooks it, trying to eat without crying into the noodles. He uses a pen in his bag to draw over Jungkook’s face, crumpling it up afterward, and drives home with anger pressing the gas pedal.

“Welcome home,” Hoseok calls from the couch after Yoongi walks in, Keys sitting curled up beside his thigh. “You look…”

“Fuck off, Hoseok,” Yoongi grumbles, throwing down his bag, taking off his shoes. At least he’s safe from Jungkook here. He doesn’t have to think about how badly Jungkook hurt him. “Do you think if I say something on the air to ruin Jungkook’s career, I could get away with it?”

“Hyung.”

“You know, I could tell everyone that he’s into men,” Yoongi continues, pulling out a bottle of soju out of the fridge. “That’d really do a number on his public image, right? Because he had the fucking audacity to be nice.”

“Yoongi-hyung.”

Yoongi pretends he can’t hear, continuing as he pours a drink. “I still have our pictures backed up on my cloud drive, like, I could leak them? But then that would fuck things up for me, since I’m like an F-list celebrity or whatever.” He takes the shot, blinking at Hoseok from across the island counter. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Hoseok sighs. “This is what I meant,” he says, gesturing to the fact that Yoongi is drinking on a Wednesday night. “I knew you were going to react like this.”

For a moment, Yoongi doesn’t speak. He’s still gripping the bottle of soju in his right hand, and his brain is swarming with his anger towards Jungkook, but he also really wants to fucking sleep.

“I can’t go back now,” Yoongi says, swallowing a second shot. Hoseok grimaces, eyeing the bottle with disgust. “I told Namjoon that I would do this.”

“Alright. Fair. Tell me how it went.”

Yoongi sighs, trying to recall the way his day went. Looking back, it’s all a bit fuzzy, but there weren’t any bad moments. Nothing Jungkook did or said was mean or rude, only that he had the nerve to act so friendly after leaving Yoongi broken-hearted.

“It was fine. Normal,” Yoongi says, taking a deep, calming breath. He already has so much to tell his therapist this weekend. “But. We were alone together, twice. And both times he was talking nervously like—I don’t know what he was thinking. It was like he forgot what he did to me.”

“Need a hug?”

“If you touch me, I’ll break you.” Yoongi glances down at his feet when Keys walks between his ankles. “Did you feed her?”

Hoseok nods. “Maybe she can sense your distress?” he asks, and Yoongi just flips him off. “I’m gonna go to my room. Tell me if you feel impulsive. This includes throwing things.”

“I’m not going to break anything.”

“Okay, tell that to our last TV.”

Yoongi winces. That was mostly an accident. He just has bad aim. He never wanted to shatter their TV screen, but sometimes it happens. There’s a reason he has a therapist, anyway. His impulse control isn’t the best.

“Keys and I are going to watch something,” Yoongi announces when Hoseok is halfway to his bedroom door, probably not bothered by them doing anything. “Let’s go,” he says to Keys, still circling his ankles.

He takes Keys back to his bedroom and gets dressed in pajamas, flopping into bed with Keys curled in front of his chest. At first, Yoongi sticks to watching paint mixing videos, but he eventually gets derailed when Jungkook’s new music video is recommended. He should probably watch it, considering the interviews and all.

“Keys,” Yoongi mumbles, pressing his nose into her head, kissing her neck for a second. “Let’s hate on Jungkook, okay? He sucks.”

Keys licks his finger. It seems like she agrees.

Yoongi starts the video. He cuddles up to Keys, commenting on the lighting and camera work, Jungkook’s outfit. His stupid, stupid face. Keys seems to dislike Jungkook too, judging by the fact that she hisses every time he comes on screen. She must really not like him.

Soon enough, Yoongi falls asleep like that; with Keys tucked close, and his laptop auto-playing Jungkook’s music.

++

Namjoon ambushes Yoongi as soon as he steps off the elevator.

“You’re late,” Namjoon says, following Yoongi down to the break room. He still hasn’t gotten a coffee refill for his house. “And you look like shit.”

“Thank you, that’s very insightful, Namjoon-ah,” Yoongi grumbles, leaving his bag on top of one of the tables, turning on the coffee machine to brew himself a cup. There’s another box of donuts, but when he flips the lid, all the chocolate sprinkled ones are gone. “Who took them? Was it Minhyuk from sound?”

Namjoon rolls his eyes, holding up the box that Yoongi didn’t notice he was holding in the first place. This is what happens when he runs out of coffee to make at home. He’s way too lazy to actually go to a shop and order and pick one up. And that costs money.

“I saved them for you when I realized you were going to be late,” Namjoon says, passing Yoongi the box. Yoongi hugs it close to his stomach, taking out one of the donuts to have a bite. “Hyung, what happened?”

“Slept in. Been doing that a lot,” Yoongi says, shoving another bite into his mouth. He actually just woke up feeling so awful about yesterday, and dreading the fact that he still has two more days to complete, that he didn’t get up until he realized how late he would be. “These are really good, by the way. Are these from the place near your house?”

“Yeah, I get my—you’re trying to distract me.” Namjoon narrows his eyes, and if he weren’t blocking the door, Yoongi would be trying to make his escape right about now. “You’re lucky, you know? Since Jungkook is only doing performances and phone calls today, he won’t be here until after The Sunshine Show is over.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes. He really doesn’t want to be co-hosting with Namjoon while experiencing this inner turmoil about being around Jungkook. But he’d rather die than actually say that—much to his therapist’s dismay—so he turns towards the coffee machine to pour it into his mug.

“I can’t believe you’re making me do The Sunshine Show while I’m covering for Jiyeon,” Yoongi murmurs, not really meaning it. Because as much as he hates Jungkook for treating him so poorly, he loves his friends, and wanted to save Namjoon from the stress and anxiety of finding someone as good as Jiyeon.

“I know. I know it’s a lot, but you know that if I get the morning show slot, that The Sunshine Show is yours.”

“If it’s mine, I’m fucking renaming it. Whose idea was it to call it The Sunshine Show?”

“Hyung… that was my idea.”

Yoongi purses his lips. “Oh,” he mumbles, taking a sip of his coffee. He glances at Namjoon. “It suits you. You should take the name with you when you get the morning slot.”

“If I get the morning slot.” Namjoon falls into one of the chairs, rolling out his neck. “Fuck. Pour me a cup too, I think I need it.”

Yoongi sets his mug on the table, filling Namjoon’s koala-shaped mug with coffee. They may or may not be matching mugs, and it may or may not have been Yoongi’s idea, but you definitely didn’t hear that from him.

“Thanks hyung,” Namjoon says, accepting it with both hands. Yoongi mumbles to be careful because it’s hot as he sits down to finish eating his donut. “I wanted to talk to you yesterday after you finished, but you left so quickly.”

“I felt sick,” Yoongi lies, taking a gulp of coffee. Namjoon meets his gaze with an eyebrow raised, so Yoongi looks down at the donuts. “Okay, I went home and hate-watched Jungkook’s music videos with Keys.”

Namjoon snorts and asks, “Hate-watched?”

“I want to break his face,” Yoongi says, one hand clenched into a fist, the other tight around his mug handle. He would never admit this aloud, but the music videos were actually good, his opinions aside. Jungkook was always talented, practically made to be a star. Yoongi hates that deep down, he’s glad that Jungkook is where he wanted to be. “God, Namjoon-ah, I hate him so much.”

“I know,” Namjoon says, lowering his chin. “Two more days, hyung. Then you don’t have to meet him ever again.”

Yoongi hopes that Namjoon is right.

For the remainder of the morning, Yoongi mostly lazes around at his desk, watching more paint guessing videos to keep his anxiety in check. He rants about his lack of coffee at his apartment on the air with Namjoon, settling in the relaxed bickering with him, forgetting all about Jungkook.

But then Night Town is about to start, and Jungkook is sitting on a stool in the studio, looking perfect and handsome. A mic stand is positioned in front of him, a sparkly purple microphone attached, practically the same color as his hair. He’s turned away from Yoongi hiding in the sound booth, talking to his manager or something.

Yoongi remembers to count his breaths. It takes everything in him not to burst through the studio doors and confront Jungkook with all his unresolved feelings. But he knows Jungkook doesn’t care about him, and may as well never have. Jungkook leaving him to be with some girl was obvious enough.

He still remembers the times Jungkook lied to him about it. He still remembers the way he felt.

“Jungkook-ah!”

A girl’s voice pricked at Yoongi’s ears. He wasn’t supposed to be there, and yet he was, standing close to Jungkook, telling him softly about how his apprenticeship at a radio station was going. Jungkook usually listened with the utmost interest, but his attention wavered immediately.

“Hey, sunbae,” Jungkook said, waving to the girl who skipped up to them and threw her arms around Yoongi’s boyfriend like he was single. But it wasn’t like their relationship was public in any sense. Yoongi had to keep that in mind. “Are you here to practice?”

“Oh yeah, of course, I wanted to use the room—are you done with it?” she asked, twirling her hair, giving Jungkook the most seductive stare. Yoongi just rolled his eyes, because she had done this before, and always when Yoongi was around. “I mean, even if you’re not, I could watch and wait.”

“Yeah, it’s all yours,” Jungkook replied, smiling. He ran his fingers through his shaggy hair, sweaty and hot, and Yoongi really just wanted to leave before he got pissed at this girl for flirting with Jungkook so blatantly. “No need to wait. We finished up a while ago.”

“Great!” the girl said, squeezing Jungkook’s bicep, touch lingering. “I’ll see you later.” She smiled again and disappeared through the practice room doors, long hair flipping behind her.

Yoongi shook it off for a moment, almost not wanting to say anything again, but he noticed how Jungkook’s gaze paused on the door before he looked back at Yoongi. He was still leaning against the wall, fiddling with his water bottle. He tilted his head and poked Yoongi in the ribs, evidently trying to get him to smile again.

“I don’t like her,” Yoongi said, deciding to be honest once more, hoping that maybe Jungkook will listen this time. Jungkook sighed, and just by that, Yoongi knew he sounded like a broken record. “She just put her hands all over you.”

“It’s really not like that,” Jungkook said, shaking his head, tugging on Yoongi’s fingers. It was the most they could do when Yoongi snuck into the building just to see Jungkook. “You’re worried about nothing. There’s nothing like that, hyung. I’ll ask her to stop since you don’t like it.”

“I don’t,” Yoongi said, shaking his head. “So, yeah, ask her to stop. Because it’s weird and makes me uncomfortable.”

Jungkook leaned his head against the wall, grinning mischievously, almost a smirk. “You know I love you, right?” he asked, and Yoongi smiled, despite the fact that he was a little upset right now. He wanted to kiss Jungkook right then and there, but knew better. “I love you a lot.”

“I know,” Yoongi said, and let Jungkook kiss him, just once.

Yoongi hates knowing that Jungkook lied. Each time he expressed being uncomfortable, Jungkook only deflected and defended, but it wasn’t honest. His constant worry was put to rest when his fears were confirmed, and he never heard from Jungkook again. It was the end, and he never got a real goodbye, or answers, and Yoongi hates him.

Watching Jungkook perform is strange. In the beginning, when they started dating, Yoongi liked to watch Jungkook in the practice room. He was always talented, but after over four years of being a trainee, he knew Jungkook was doubting if he could debut. Every group they put him with ended up falling apart.

Yoongi loved that passion for music, actually. He may have fallen for Jungkook’s eyes first, but his voice came second, and those very feelings stir up inside him, as Jungkook sings an acoustic rendition of his debut song.

Jungkook’s voice reminds Yoongi of porcelain, maybe, in the way it is smooth, but a little fragile, close to breaking. And when it breaks, it is into a million unattainable pieces, and sometimes it feels like that’s what Jungkook did to him.

That Jungkook broke Yoongi’s heart, and Yoongi was left to try piecing it back together.

Nonetheless, Yoongi finds that he still loves Jungkook’s voice. It reminds him of when things between them were good, and happy. When their relationship wasn’t fractured in any way. When Yoongi could look at Jungkook and not feel hurt and betrayal.

After performing two songs, Jungkook takes a break to answer a call from a fan. Jungkook’s management said that he wanted to make this experience more personal, since he couldn’t have an in-person audience in the studio. He wanted to connect with his fans.

Yoongi hates it.

The girl is already crying when Yoongi switches the controls for a call to be answered.

“Hi,” Jungkook says, voice airy and kind. He’s smiling at his lap, a smaller one, more refined and sweet.

“Ah, Jungkook-oppa, we miss you,” the girl says after saying her name, still crying, and Yoongi watches Jungkook closely for his answer.

Jungkook seems touched. “I miss you too,” he says, then laughs. He seems a bit awkward, maybe unused to this mode of communication. Every now and then, they take calls on The Sunshine Show, so Yoongi is kind of used to it. “I’ll come see you soon, okay? Sooner than you think.”

“Are you teasing a tour?” Yoongi asks, because he knows what those words imply, and as a host, he should always ask. “Hm, it kind of sounds like you are Jungkook-ssi.”

The last thing Yoongi expects is for Jungkook to duck his head and blush, all the way from his ears to his neck. “Ah—well, I can’t say anything Yo—Suga-ssi.” Jungkook’s gaze is still averted at his lap. Yoongi pretends he didn’t notice the slip up; that Jungkook nearly called him the wrong name. “Manager-hyung, please don’t be upset for saying something.”

Jungkook’s manager only lifts his eyebrow, smiles, and shakes his head.

The girl in the line squeals, and she tells Jungkook how much she loves his music, and him. It would be endearing to anyone else, how Jungkook giggles and laughs with his fans, using a sweet voice with some of them, but Yoongi only has disbelief simmering in his gut. How does a person fake his way through everything so overtly?

Yoongi is quiet for the rest of the show, mostly. Jungkook performs more of his music, both old and new, and has more phone calls. At the end of the hour, Yoongi closes out and says goodnight, eyes naturally turning towards Jungkook.

As soon as they go off the air, Jungkook’s shoulders are sagging. His manager is by his side, saying something quietly, but Jungkook just brushes him off and leaves the studio. His manager follows; Yoongi looks away before anyone could catch him watching. Jungkook looked tired.

Yoongi tries to ignore how that makes him feel. He hates Jungkook, yes, but he wouldn’t actively wish for him to have a bad life. That’s just how Yoongi is. Everyone says he’s too kind; that beneath his hard shell, there’s just unadulterated softness, which is dangerous for his heart.

So, he’s not sure what possesses him to follow them, but he does it anyway.

They’re at the end of the hallway, a few paces down from Yoongi and Namjoon’s office, when Yoongi finds them. He ducks past the doorway of his office, hovering just inside the doorframe, close enough to hear the conversation.

“Jungkook-ah, what’s going on?” the manager asks. “Come on, talk to me, kid.”

“It’s—fine, I’m fine,” Jungkook is saying, clearly trying to brush off whatever might be bothering him. Yoongi wants to say he noticed something off about him too, but that wouldn’t be fair, because he doesn’t really know Jungkook anymore. “Just got hard to breathe.”

There’s a moment of silence, some shuffling, then Jungkook giving his thanks. Yoongi peeks past the door frame to see Jungkook downing a bottle of water, handing it back to his manager after.

“I’ll come back in a bit. I think I just need to be alone for a few minutes,” Jungkook says, leaning against the wall, brushing his hair out of his face. And it feels like that moment that Yoongi recalled earlier, with that girl, but it’s not. Because it’s been over five years since that happened. “Five minutes.”

“Five minutes,” the manager repeats, squeezing Jungkook’s shoulder. “I’ll come check on you if you’re not back after that, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks hyung,” Jungkook replies, moving to sit on the floor, his back resting against the wall.

Yoongi hides behind the door when Jungkook’s manager turns around to leave, holding his breath, waiting for him to pass. He checks on Jungkook again, a wave of guilt hitting him as he stares at the way Jungkook curls into himself, knees to his chest, forehead on top. Jungkook just seems so exhausted, and Yoongi can’t figure out why that fact makes him feel shitty.

But, Jungkook wants to be alone, so Yoongi just quietly shuts his door and sits at his desk for a while. Eventually, he realizes no one would come looking for him, so he just gathers his things to go home. Jungkook is long gone by the time Yoongi steps out of his office.

Hoseok is not home when Yoongi gets in, which is fine, to be expected, sometimes Hoseok works late hours or runs himself into the ground at the studio. Yoongi can be the same when it comes to work, so he tries not to tell Hoseok off for it often. He just settles on the couch with Keys after ordering some take-out.

“Did you have a nice day without me, baby?” Yoongi asks Keys, petting her head, lying on his side. “I come home so late now, right? Sucks.”

Keys settles in front of his chest, tucking her tail beneath her body.

“I saw Jungkook again today,” Yoongi continues, propping his head up on one hand, still using the other to rub through Keys’ fur. Something about unwinding with his cat and just talking to her is so relaxing. She doesn’t give him any unsolicited advice like his friends do. “He seemed different from yesterday. I think he had a long day.”

Keys closes her eyes and places her chin on her folded paws, which means nap time is soon.

“I liked his songs,” Yoongi admits, quiet as though someone could overhear him in the stillness of his empty apartment. “His songs are good. And his voice is pretty. But he sucks. Isn’t that sad, Keys? Isn’t it sad that Jungkook sucks as a person, but makes really good music?”

He waits for any response, but judging by the low vibrations in Keys’ body, she’s asleep now. Yoongi sighs.

“I moved on,” Yoongi tells himself, lying on his back to stare at the ceiling. He still has one hand cupped around Keys, keeping her close. “I moved on, didn’t I?”

Yoongi spent a lot of time healing himself. He almost threw away his career in fear of crossing paths with Jungkook again. The first year, hearing anything about Jungkook would make him react viscerally. Sometimes he would cry, sometimes he would get angry, sometimes he would just shut down completely.

And then seeing Jungkook on advertisements and stages, winning awards. Smiling, singing, dancing. Happier than he could ever be with Yoongi. There were pictures with that Soobin idol girl from Jungkook’s trainee days, they circled around the internet for months. And Yoongi was just left behind, like dirty dishes in a sink.

But Yoongi did not want to keep feeling like dirty dishes in a sink. He was waiting for someone to clean him up, dry him off, put him to good use again; but he realized he had to do those things himself, and he worked endlessly towards it. He achieved it, even. He cleaned his own dirty dishes.

So why does it feel like he’s still not over Jungkook?

Yoongi had thrown himself into therapy. He read self-help books to improve his daily functioning, watched videos made by other people who got cheated on. He moved forward and grew, and became a better person. Sometimes he had moments where he got impulsive and ended up causing a mess, but he cleaned those up too.

He wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without his friends as a support system. Jiyeon and Seokjin and Hoseok and Namjoon all held him up when his knees got weak. They willingly gave their help nonstop, extending their hands whenever Yoongi needed, and he returned the favor as best as he could over the years.

Because they saw how Jungkook ruined Yoongi. They saw everything, and had even met Jungkook a couple of times while they were dating. No one else had seen such a thing coming and Yoongi never voiced his worry for that girl to anyone but Jungkook, so how could they? But they saw how the rumors wrecked Yoongi’s faith and trust; they saw how everything fell apart for him.

It feels like seeing Jungkook again, actually seeing him—talking to him, getting to know the twenty-four-year-old he’s become after meeting him at young nineteen—it feels like reversing all the work Yoongi put into himself. It feels like Jungkook crashed into his life to ruin it again.

Yoongi reminds himself that it’s only one more day. One more day, one more interview, one more short performance, and he can move on again. He can just forget about Jungkook, never see him again. That’ll be it.

Just one more day.

++

Yoongi starts off his day with a large to-go cup of iced coffee. He was lazy the last three days, but the desperate urge for a pick-me-up has become irresistible. He just had to get something when he rolled out of bed.

Uncommon for a Friday, the station is kind of quiet when Yoongi gets to work. The interim host for the morning slot is there, working with her team, but no one else is really around. Well, everyone’s there, but working diligently and mostly alone.

He feels off-kilter with the mood, walking through the hallway to get to his office. His eyes linger on the spot Jungkook and his manager were yesterday, then shakes it off. Until evening, Yoongi is going to try to not think about Jungkook at all.

“You’re on time today,” Namjoon says, sitting at his desk on the other side of the room. Yoongi just lifts his coffee, then takes a sip. “Wow, and you got coffee. Who are you and what have you done to Yoongi-hyung?”

“Hilarious,” Yoongi grumbles, smiling faintly when he notices the bakery box sitting on the corner of his desk. He sends a glare to Namjoon after. “Namjoon-ah, you really need to stop buying these. I’m going to become addicted.” Regardless, he sets down his coffee to remove a donut from the box. “But thanks, too.”

Namjoon raises his eyebrows, leaning back in his chair. “I didn’t know you liked them that much.”

“They’re addictive,” Yoongi repeats, taking a first bite. He sighs in content, then sits in his desk chair, facing Namjoon. “I really hope you get this promotion. Morning slot is like gold.”

“I know,” Namjoon replies, massaging his wrist, head falling into his palm. Yoongi knows that Namjoon hasn’t been working here as long, but he’s much better with people, and honestly deserves that morning slot more than anyone they work with. “Thank you for doing this. I know it must be hard.”

Yoongi pretends that it’s nothing. Namjoon didn’t ask him to do this, so anything negative Yoongi feels from hosting the special is solely on him. Namjoon is kind enough to try and take accountability, when it really isn’t his fault that Yoongi volunteered to fill in for Jiyeon.

“Yeah, well, the only thing I’m pissed about is the fact that you make me do The Sunshine Show too,” Yoongi says, taking a sip of his coffee, casting another glance at Namjoon. “If midday is mine, what should I name it?”

“The Asshole Hour,” Namjoon replies, without skipping a beat. Yoongi throws a ballpoint pen at him, watching it clatter on the floor near Namjoon’s feet. “It suits you, doesn’t it?”

“Fuck you.”

Namjoon doesn’t say anything for a second, then mumbles, “Hard pass, hyung, sorry.”

Yoongi flings another pen at him. Working with one of your best friends is both a curse and a blessing.

Ironically, Yoongi was with Jungkook the first time he met Namjoon.

Sundays were the best days to see Jungkook. It was simply easier; Yoongi just had an emptier schedule, no school work to worry about. All he had was his apprenticeship, which took place in the morning on weekdays, and a part-time job as a server in a Chinese-Korean food restaurant. Classes during the week. Sundays were completely free for Jungkook.

Yoongi was walking around campus at night with his boyfriend in tow—Jungkook snuck out to see him—and their hands were clasped together in the heat of the summer night.

“They’re going to debut me solo in two months,” Jungkook whispered, when they found a tree to lay under. Jungkook was tucked close to Yoongi’s chest, speaking in low voices, surrounded by shadows and grass. “I think this is it. Finally.”

“I’m proud of you,” Yoongi said, pressing his lips to Jungkook’s forehead, trying not to expose his love to yet another fear, choosing to be hopeful. “You’re gonna be a star, Jungkook-ah.”

Jungkook laughed, like what Yoongi was telling him was impossible. Yoongi believed in him, though, he truly believed that Jungkook would transform the industry. Make it his own, create an entire universe to live in. Because he was born to be a star; to be on stage, and to perform.

“You always say that, hyung,” Jungkook said, kissing Yoongi on the lips, smiling after. Yoongi felt himself falling deep, deep, deeper in love as he looked into Jungkook’s eyes. “Do you really think so?”

“Yeah, I mean you—” Yoongi pulled Jungkook closer, kissed him again, just to feel him after being apart for a couple of weeks. “You’re amazing, and so talented. And they must have realized that you’d have outshone everyone in the other groups, so you get your own spotlight now.”

“I’m scared,” Jungkook replied, speaking against the skin of Yoongi’s neck.

It’s often how they would share secrets, whispered into each other’s skin, marked there for eternity. It’s how Yoongi told Jungkook that sometimes he had impulses he couldn’t control. It’s how Jungkook confessed that he was an idol trainee, not a university student. It’s how they said, “I love you,” the first time.

“Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi said, cupping Jungkook’s face. Looked at him earnestly, opening his heart for Jungkook to find a home in. “I believe in you, okay?”

And, normally, Jungkook would have replied with something. Only, a man shouted for them to move, a light flashing in front of their eyes. Yoongi—struck by the sight of a bicycle heading in their direction—sat up and hugged Jungkook close to him, shielding him in time for the bicyclist to crash into a nearby tree root.

“Are you okay? You’re not hurt, right?” Yoongi asks, breathing heavily, checking every inch of Jungkook’s pretty face, looking at his bare arms, until Jungkook shakes him off with reassurances.

“Sorry about that,” the man riding the bicycle said, removing his helmet. Jungkook gasped when he saw the blood on the man’s knee, trickling down his shin. The man followed Jungkook’s gaze down to his leg and cursed. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

“What happened?” Yoongi asked, pulling himself to his feet, dragging Jungkook with him. Naturally, he fell a step ahead of Jungkook.

“I guess the brakes stopped working,” the man said, lifting the bicycle upright, checking for damage. Sure enough, the brakes are jammed. “I’m really sorry. You didn’t get injured, right?”

Yoongi shook his head, and so did Jungkook.

“I know a place that fixes bikes,” Yoongi said, taking out his phone, glancing at the bicycle again. Jungkook was standing closer to his left, ghosting his hand over Yoongi’s. He searched up the shop and showed the screen to the stranger. “Here, that’s what it’s called. It’s nearby.”

“Cool. Do you go to school here?” the man asked, retrieving his own cell phone to take down the name of the bike repair shop.

“Yeah, I’m in my final year,” Yoongi replied, taking his phone back. “Min Yoongi.”

The man practically lit up. “You’re my sunbae!” he said, too excited for Yoongi. Jungkook started leaning on Yoongi’s shoulder, and he knew that meant they needed to get back to Jungkook’s dorms. “I’ve heard a lot about you, wow. I applied to work at the campus station. Kim Namjoon.”

“Ah,” Yoongi said, nodding his head once, since he didn’t remember looking at this kid’s application while hiring. “Nice to meet you. I’ll see you around. Keep your eye out for information on hiring, I guess. We could still use some more help.”

“I’ll see you around, sunbae.”

So Yoongi could say that Namjoon quite literally crashed into his life. They’ve had a rocky friendship; sometimes they disagree and get aggressive, but Jiyeon always sets them straight. Sometimes Yoongi finds himself drunk, crying hysterically about the undying, platonic affection he has for Namjoon.

Compared to the last two days, Yoongi doesn’t feel as pent-up. He’s still nervous, but the fact that he knows what to expect eases the pressure. He knows exactly what he has to ask, what to say, how to act. When to smile, when to nod, when to ask Jungkook for more information, and when to move on.

Yoongi lets loose during The Sunshine Show, mostly bickering back and forth with Namjoon about nonsensical things, social media trends and a little about political bastardy. It’s the normal way they conduct their show, full of laughter and music, and Yoongi might even say sunshine, too.

Then the dread hits, again, and Yoongi reminds himself that this is the last time. He doesn’t need to face Jungkook after today, but he takes a steady inhale as he settles down for the final interview.

“Jungkook-ssi, your debut anniversary is coming up in just a few weeks.” Yoongi starts the show with this sentence, mostly because those are the words written on his script, but also because he doesn’t want Jungkook to think he forgot. “In the past, you’ve done concerts and special fansigns. What’s the plan for a milestone like five years?”

Jungkook rubs his chin, thinking, humming, evidently trying to decide what to say next. “I have special content coming out on that date,” he says, then turns his neck towards his manager for a moment. They have a silent conversation before he adds, “Unfortunately, I can’t tell you more than that, Suga-ssi.”

Yoongi smiles like this avoidance bothers him. “A hint?” he suggests, paging at the corner of his script, twitching with anxiety. The camera trained on him is a nuisance. Yoongi wonders what they’re saying about him online, as an interviewer. “How about one word?”

“Okay, one word.” Jungkook ruffles his faded purple hair and grins. “Maybe, bonus?”

“Bonus,” Yoongi repeats, nodding as he flips the page in his question packet. He clenches his jaw when his eyes land on the ugly message he scribbled three days ago. “I know you’ve talked at length about life after debuting, but was there anything significant that shaped your experience as a trainee?”

Jungkook has a good poker face. He pretends as if Yoongi was not part of his life as a trainee.

“Um, I had a lot of doubts that I would debut,” he starts, and Yoongi knows that. He remembers listening to Jungkook tell him over the phone some nights, whispering like a secret into skin, inked on Yoongi for eternity. “I was a trainee for nearly five years, so I’ve really been working in this industry for ten. So I think that itself was something so significant that shaped everything I do now.”

“Would you say anything to your predebut-self, that you didn’t know back then?” Yoongi asks, licking his lips, forcing himself to look at Jungkook. He can see Namjoon’s stern, watchful gaze through the sound booth window. “Maybe a piece of advice. Something you wish you would have kept in mind.”

“I took a lot of things for granted. Like spending time with my family, it’s so hard to do that now. I worked hard to get here, but I always wish that I called home more often.” Jungkook laughs, touching the back of his neck. He’s uncomfortable, Yoongi thinks, and decides to move on.

Yoongi drops to the next question, although it pertains to a similar topic. For a second, his vision blurs, and he wipes his eyes, then asks, “Did you have something you had to—had to cut out, when you debuted?”

That wasn’t the question. Yoongi looks at the script. The question was: what were any personal sacrifices you made to become the artist you are today? That’s a completely different question to the one Yoongi actually asked. How did he mess that up?

“I—I, um, sorry,” Jungkook says, leaning away to clear his throat. His face is dazed, a little shocked. He’s looking at Yoongi in this way that transports Yoongi to five years ago, just a passionate boy he met and fell in love with. “Sorry. Yes. There were some people and things that I loved that I had to leave behind to pursue my dreams. But those people, and those things, understood why I gave them up.”

Jungkook looks directly at Yoongi, and Yoongi almost snaps that he’s wrong. Jungkook is wrong, because Yoongi didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense that Jungkook let him go, not until those rumors surfaced, exposing Jungkook for who he truly is. Yoongi knows better than to believe that bullshit.

Yoongi nods, breathing deep through his nose, trembling hand clutching his pen as he follows down the page to the next question. He’s grateful that there are no more questions about Jungkook’s trainee days.

“Was there a song or album that you felt connected to the most?” Yoongi asks, maintaining composure in his voice, even though his entire body is shaking after his slip-up. “Lyrically or, um, through the production, something like that. I feel like what makes you so unique from other groups and soloists is your contribution to your artistry. What’s your favorite?”

“Is it biased if I say Yours?”

Yoongi laughs, forced and quiet. “No, not at all. Why do you feel that way?”

“I guess it’s because I worked on it the most. Other projects had a smaller involvement, but this time they just—slammed a blank canvas in front of me and said, ‘have fun,’ so I did.” Jungkook smiles, closer to the genuine one that Yoongi used to see. He’s looking at Yoongi again, this time with less confusion in his eyes. “I think maybe switching agencies had to do with it.”

Yoongi pretends he had any idea that Jungkook switched agencies since debuting. He doesn’t question what happened, because that would only broadcast his cluelessness.

“Do you think your current agency gives you more creative liberty?” Yoongi asks instead, veering the conversation back to what they were originally talking about. He’s not trying to get involved in music industry politics, anyway.

“Yeah, completely.” Jungkook nods his head. “I didn’t have much free will under my old contract. Under Brass Entertainment, I’m given more of an option to choose the kind of music I’m making. And I find a lot more beauty in what I’m outputting now, versus five years ago. I’m happier with it.”

Yoongi never knew a well-spoken Jungkook, but he finds it’s doing something very bad to his very fragile heart.

“Moving forward, do you think you’ll spend more time working on albums like Yours?”

“Yes,” Jungkook answers, “absolutely.”

Yoongi sniffs and asks, “Do you have a favorite song from the album? The one that speaks to you the most, or you feel like you put the most heart into.”

Jungkook looks so alarmed that Yoongi almost tries to take back the question.

“Yeah.” Jungkook’s expression morphs. It becomes sad, a tiny smile forming on his face. Yoongi feels the air in the studio become very, very still. “It’s called Floods in English, but in Korean, the correct title should be The one I lost. I wrote it about loss, like in the title.

“Actually, I wrote it a long time ago. Maybe four years ago now, I was grappling with this feeling of emptiness and loss. I think the song shows a layer of vulnerability that I haven’t shown before.” Jungkook finds Yoongi’s eyes, a distance in his gaze that Yoongi can’t discern. “So it’s definitely a favorite because of that. I like being honest.”

Yoongi finds that so ironic, considering everything. All this nonsense about loyalty and honesty. Yoongi can’t believe his ears. How insolent is Jungkook going to behave until he pushes Yoongi to his limit?

Despite his frustrations, Yoongi carries on with the interview gracefully. His voice is steadier, focusing on reciting the questions accurately, rather than the anxiety of processing Jungkook’s answers. It’s not very considerate as an interviewer, but Yoongi is just trying to get through this.

Jungkook settles for his final performance, the song The one I lost he talked about earlier. Yoongi hasn’t heard it yet, so when the first melancholic piano chords ring through the speakers, he doesn’t know what to expect.

Jungkook’s voice follows, clear and heart-wrenching, and Yoongi’s breath starts coming out short. He focuses on the lyrics, maybe because of what Jungkook said about loss, wanting to understand where there’s a sense of honesty in this song.

It ignites some flame in Yoongi’s chest. He thinks maybe it’s anger as he listens, this realization hitting him like a slap in the face. And he almost wishes it was a recording to rewind and listen again, but the song is over almost as fast as it began.

Jungkook sang about the confessions whispered into skin, about quiet Sunday nights spent in secrecy. About laughter and loss of love, and heartbreak, the very things Yoongi still remembers about them together. That’s the thing he’s trying to come to terms with.

This song is about me.

Yoongi hasn’t processed the thought as he says goodnight, wishing their listeners and Jungkook’s fans well, thanking them for their time. He leaves the sound booth, re-entering the studio.

Sometimes his impulses take control. Sometimes Yoongi truly can’t stop himself.

He approaches Jungkook, standing with a staff member, removing his recording equipment. Yoongi waits, just long enough for all the wires to be untangled and removed, then snags Jungkook’s wrist to pull him away. Jungkook follows willingly.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Yoongi asks, as soon as they’re alone together, confined into the tiny space of his office. He doesn’t typically shut the door because it gets stuffy in the room, but he will not risk anyone overhearing what will come of this.

“What?” Jungkook asks, unguarded, hands hovering in front of him. He looks at Yoongi as though he did not just sing a heartbreak song written about him. “There—there’s nothing wrong with me?”

Yoongi laughs. “Bullshit,” he snaps, wetness forming at the brim of his eyes, too ashamed to allow himself to shed any tears in Jungkook’s presence. “Why did you write that song?”

“Because? I was sad and missed you, so I wrote about it. It was four years ago.” Jungkook steps closer, and Yoongi presses his back against the door, trembling. He made a stupid decision, pulling Jungkook in here. “Why else?”

“Your conscience, maybe? Wanting to cover up for what you did to me.”

“What I did—what are you going on about?”

Yoongi balls his hands into fists. “Don’t lie to me,” he says, teeth clenched. “Don’t fucking play dumb like that Jungkook. You know what you did.”

Jungkook looks hopeless. He’s a damn good fucking actor, and it’s pissing Yoongi off even more. How could someone be so cruel?

“How could you?” Yoongi cries, because he can’t take it anymore. His chest hurts more than he ever imagined it would. The weight of his broken heart is the same as it’s always been. “You did horrible things and left and just—I was in love with you and you knew that, and you still did those things? Who does that?”

“Horrible things?” Jungkook repeats, now mirroring the tone of Yoongi’s voice, falling back a step like Yoongi’s words have somehow forced him to. “I don’t—I don’t understand?”

“You sent that godforsaken text message and the next thing I know you’re out with some fucking girl,” Yoongi spits, words so vile in his mouth, unfamiliar, ugly. He doesn’t like speaking this way, but with anger pumping his blood, there’s no other way to get his point across. “How do you go around and talk about loyalty and honesty when you—you—cheated? And then fucking lied about it?”

Fat tears are rolling down Jungkook’s face. “Cheated?”

“And then you write songs like that, as if my feelings never mattered, ignoring all the damage you left.” Yoongi wipes his face with the back of his hand. “You fucking broke me, Jungkook! It’s taken years to fix myself!”

“I didn’t cheat on you!”

There’s this thing about Jungkook. He doesn’t usually raise his voice, especially not when he’s angry, so Yoongi falls quiet. His brain is a mess, thoughts overlapping, and he’s trying to figure out what Jungkook’s words mean.

“I didn’t cheat on you,” Jungkook repeats, slower and calmer, although Yoongi knows he is far from that by the twitch of his mouth, the shake of his fists. “I never cheated on you, hyung. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“How could you still lie?” Yoongi asks, his voice quiet now too. The hostility has fizzled into disappointment. “How could you even—I don’t understand. I never did.”

Jungkook wipes his cheeks and stays close to the front of Namjoon’s desk, something almost fearful fueling his voice. Yoongi doesn’t get that. How Jungkook can act like this while still treating Yoongi like dirty dishes in the fucking sink.

“Why would I ever cheat on you?” Jungkook asks, shaking his head. His nose is pink from crying, pieces of purple hair falling into his face, shielding his eyes from Yoongi. “I loved you more than anyone.”

Incredulous, Yoongi wipes his face with his sleeve, trying to understand the words coming out of Jungkook’s mouth. “Hyung,” Jungkook says, but Yoongi refuses to face him properly. He won’t face a man who won’t acknowledge how much hurt he caused. “I… I was just scared.”

Scared?

“Scared of what, Jungkook-ah?”

“They told me—that—that I couldn’t debut,” Jungkook says, head lowered, hiccuping. A small something in Yoongi wants to reach out to him, hold him again. “I had a dating ban, I never told you, and—you’re a man, to make everything worse.”

Yoongi covers his face with both hands, breathing deeply through his nose for a second. What is Jungkook trying to tell him?

“But,” Yoongi says, lowering his hands, hugging himself, fisting his shirt. His head is pounding. This doesn’t make sense. “The—girl. The idol girl, your sunbae.”

“Soobin-sunbae?” Jungkook runs his hands through his hair, laughing in a way Yoongi has never seen. And it strikes Yoongi, once again, how much Jungkook has changed in the last five years. “I didn’t know they would do that. The company started those rumors.”

“I don’t understand,” Yoongi says again, sniffling, trying to be brave and look Jungkook in the eye. But the best he can do is stare at Jungkook’s lips, stuck between his teeth, and remembers again what it was like to kiss him. “How—how can I trust you?”

Jungkook’s shoulders fall. “I don’t know,” he says, hopelessness bleeding into his voice. Yoongi takes a deep breath, feeling hot and boxed in and suddenly the space between him and Jungkook is too cramped. “But hyung, I swear I would never do that. Never.”

“I don’t—just—still.” Yoongi feels his body thump against the corner of the room, trying to make himself smaller. “Even—even if what you’re saying is true. You still broke up with me over text.”

“I know. I don’t—there’s no excuse for that.” Jungkook sighs, touching the back of his head. He seems so out of place, standing in the middle of Yoongi’s office. His eyes are honest, but Yoongi is still struggling to believe anything he says. “But I don’t think they would have let me go see you, anyway.”

“This is—a lot.” Yoongi forces himself to laugh, trying to ease the tension in the room. He counts his breaths, releasing his grip on his shirt, smoothing out the front, but none of it intercepts the rising panic. “I don’t know. I can’t think. Can’t—can’t breathe.”

And it’s true, Yoongi doesn’t remember when he stopped inhaling normally, hyperventilating, and he thinks maybe he’s having a panic attack for the first time in a long time. He wants to process Jungkook’s words, the denial of what Yoongi thought he did for so long, but nothing makes sense in this tiny room, stifled by the heater and how Jungkook inches closer.

Someone knocks on the door and tries to open it. Yoongi jumps to hold it shut, struggling against the weight of whoever is on the other side. Yoongi really wishes he hadn’t acted on impulse. He’s gotten much better over the years, but this was one time he should have found an ounce of control.

“Yoongi-hyung,” Namjoon warns, “I know you’re holding the door shut.”

“Fuck off,” Yoongi bites out, then apologizes immediately after. He hates when he gets like this. “I’m dealing with something right now.”

“Hyung, they’re looking for Jungkook and I know he’s in there.”

Yoongi releases the door after that. There’s no point in pretending if it’s true.

Namjoon opens the door slowly, peering in through the small gap he makes. Yoongi can’t imagine how he looks; his head is heavy, eyes burning, unsure of whether he looks as red in the face as he feels. Namjoon looks Yoongi up and down, then past his shoulder, then back.

“Look, I don’t want to know what’s going on,” Namjoon says, staring down at Yoongi. He’s giving Yoongi this disappointed look, the one he uses when Yoongi is intentionally late to work, or when Yoongi shows off his latest impulsive purchase. “But, Jungkook needs to return to his staff.”

“Okay. I’ll go,” Jungkook says, almost crestfallen, and steps forward.

Yoongi makes room for him to leave, watching him walk away without even saying goodbye.

++

Yoongi spends approximately the entire weekend thinking about Jungkook. He spells everything out for his therapist during his session on Saturday afternoon, but they run out of time before they can actually talk about the effects of seeing his ex-boyfriend again.

Yoongi expected that he would just forget about him. Push everything to the sidelines, burn it to ash, let everything flutter away with the wind. But it hasn’t been that easy; Jungkook sticks to his mind, refusing to leave no matter how much Yoongi tugs at it.

He spends a lot of his time holed up in his bedroom, only getting up to feed himself and Keys, leaving the apartment once for therapy. He watches Jungkook’s old videos, from when he debuted. Yoongi never allowed himself to before, because it would only cause more suffering, and he would rather protect himself from that pain.

But Yoongi wants to, now. He feels like there is truth in Jugnkook’s claim that he never cheated on Yoongi, even if there is no proof. Because if Yoongi is being honest with himself, he knows there is no concrete proof that Jungkook did cheat on him.

Watching all these old videos makes Yoongi nostalgic. Sends him spinning down memory lane, especially those nights he spent lying on the practice room floor, watching Jungkook pour his heart and soul into his performance. He remembers that their relationship was good. It was always good.

He ends up scrolling through his old pictures with Jungkook. They were so young, back then. Yoongi feels strange knowing that even though his interests have remained the same, he is a completely different person. That lovesick boy who hopelessly fell for Jungkook is gone, and he realizes that maybe it’s because Jungkook took him away.

“Hyung,” Hoseok says, poking his head into Yoongi’s bedroom on Sunday morning. “You… look terrible. Have you slept?”

“Nope,” Yoongi replies, hunched over his laptop with a performance of one of Jungkook’s songs playing, earphones in. He doesn’t look back at Hoseok, watching the fluidity of Jungkook’s body as he dances; how he hits every note perfectly, how he shines like the star Yoongi always knew he would be. “Can’t sleep.”

Hoseok enters the room, pulling the laptop slowly from Yoongi’s grasp. He pulls the earbuds out, winding them up, looking Yoongi in the eye for a moment. Yoongi knows he might have an issue with overthinking, but he feels like this is justified. Jungkook telling the truth about this could change everything between them.

“When was the last time you took your meds?” Hoseok asks, lifting Keys’ body to place her in Yoongi’s lap, guiding Yoongi’s hands into her fur. His fingers glide through it slowly, grounding him.

“Like…” Yoongi trails off. He hasn’t taken his meds in a while, not for any reason other than forgetfulness. “I don’t think I’ve had them refilled since last month.”

“Hyung,” Hoseok sighs, drawing Yoongi into his arms. Yoongi settles against him, knowing that he’ll have to go to the pharmacy to refill them once he actually gets some sleep. “What happened? You’ve been here for way too long, like, I barely saw you yesterday.”

Yoongi looks down at Keys in his lap, rubbing between her ears, trying to find a starting point. Hoseok is the type of best friend to be upset when Yoongi is, and naturally, that was the reaction when Yoongi told him that Jungkook cheated. Hoseok was furious, so Yoongi doesn’t know how he’ll take this news.

“Jungkook said something to me,” Yoongi says, thumbing Keys’ left ear, then running his hand all the way down her back. “And I can’t stop thinking about it. It fucked me up so bad that I had a panic attack afterward.”

“Jesus, hyung, you should tell people when shit like this happens.”

“I know. I know I should, but I was still freaked out when I came home, and just fell into this rabbit hole.” Yoongi rubs Keys’ stomach when she rolls over to stretch, forcing a smile at her. “I told my therapist, but I literally talked the entire session. Then I came back and continued this mess I’ve gotten myself into.”

Hoseok wraps his arm around Yoongi’s shoulders, holding him tighter. “What did he say?” he asks, starting to run his fingers up and down Yoongi’s arm, the way Yoongi is to Keys. “Was it about your relationship?”

“Yeah, I mean—” Yoongi feels his face get hot at the memory of what he did. “I made a… decision.”

“You did something on impulse, okay.”

“He sang this song. It’s on the album,” Yoongi continues, squeezing his eyes shut as the lyrics float around in his head. During his descent through the rabbit hole, he listened to that song so many times he could probably sing it at karaoke. “It’s about me, Hoseok-ah. It’s about us.”

Hoseok doesn’t say anything.

“After we wrapped up, I took Jungkook into another room and confronted him about it. Because that’s fucked up, writing and singing about missing your ex when you cheated on him,” Yoongi continues, rubbing his eyes, opening them again. The bewilderment on Jungkook’s face is seared into Yoongi’s mind. “But then he said he didn’t.”

“Didn’t?”

“Didn’t cheat on me, Hoseok. And I don’t know why that fucked me up so bad. I can’t just—I never knew for sure that he did. It was always speculation. An assumption.” Yoongi looks up to find Hoseok frowning, bothered like he expected. “I started watching all this old content and fan-made videos, and I just…”

“Just?”

“I think I want to hear him out.”

Hoseok’s silence speaks for him. Of course, Yoongi isn’t going to make any rash decisions, not when it comes to Jungkook, but he wants to at least understand whether there’s truth to what Jungkook is claiming. It feels wrong to let him say that, and then not let him explain.

After all that he’s watched and consumed in the last thirty-six hours, Yoongi knows that Jungkook is an honest man. He can see the transparency of Jungkook’s actions, his kindness with disrespectful interviewers, his openness about dealing with anxiety when he’s on stage or in large crowds. Yoongi thinks Jungkook was always honest, so why would he have done that?

“You should sleep,” Hoseok says gently, extracting himself from Yoongi’s side, guiding him to lie down. Keys hops off the bed, stretching, trotting out of Yoongi’s room with her tail in the air. “I’ll write you a note and set a reminder so you get your meds refilled, okay? It’s not okay to let yourself spiral.”

“I know,” Yoongi responds, squishing his cheek into his pillow, struck by his lack of sleep. He’s surprised he hasn’t started hallucinating yet. “I’ll do it. Thanks.”

Hoseok presses his hand to the side of Yoongi’s head, then just sighs quietly. “Sleep well, hyung,” he says, then leaves the room, shutting the door behind him, and Yoongi falls asleep soon after, with The one I lost playing in his mind.

He wakes up again when it’s dark outside. He rolls around for a minute, then finds his phone, squinting at the time. It’s just past sunset, meaning he slept for approximately six hours, which is solid considering how long he spent without sleep.

He checks all his messages, scrolling through his socials and the news for a couple of minutes, then finds himself slowly pulling up Jungkook’s Kakao profile.

Yoongi’s brain is still groggy from sleep, but he knows that profile picture is exactly the same as it was five years ago. So typical of Jungkook to not switch it. Yoongi smiles at his phone, amused by how sentimental Jungkook is for keeping this particular photo; one of Yoongi’s hands is squishing his cheeks. Yoongi took that picture.

After staring at the picture for a while, getting consumed by the cuteness of Jungkook’s pouting lips and scrunched eyebrows, Yoongi opens their messages. The last thing that was sent is Yoongi’s reaction to the text Jungkook sent to end their relationship. It still makes Yoongi’s stomach hurt, rereading it.

Thursday, September 14th, 2017

hyung, I’m sorry I couldn’t come to eat with you on monday like I said I would. things with debut prep got busy. I’m really sorry, I can’t continue this anymore. please forgive me
22:34

Huh?
What are you talking about?
22:45

Jungkook-ah. I’m not mad about dinner. I know you’re busy, but can you just tell me what you mean?
23:23

Two days later, Yoongi saw those pictures of Jungkook and Soo-something, whatever her name is, smiling and talking, and he just assumed the worst. He didn’t need Jungkook to tell him what that meant. He figured it out himself.

But now, Yoongi isn’t so sure that he was right.

Sunday, October 16th, 2022

I think we should talk. Tell me when you’re free and we can sort this out because I need to know what actually happened. I think I deserve that clarity.
This is Yoongi-hyung, btw. In case you deleted my number.
18:07

Yoongi shuts off his phone and places it face down on his chest. He feels proud that he was unafraid enough to send that message. He deserves this from Jungkook.

A handful of minutes later, Yoongi’s phone vibrates with a new message. He opens it, holding his breath, thumb shaking as he clicks Jungkook’s chat.

hyung
hi
meeting is ok, I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable like on friday
18:15

As long as we’re somewhere spacious and between public and private, then I’ll be fine.
You can choose where. I’m sure you have access to much better places than I do. Just tell me when and where. I work from midday to nighttime since I’m filling in for my coworker. I’ll tell you if that doesn’t work for me.
18:17

ok
how about a park sometime in the morning?
18:20

What park?
18:21

whatever park you want
if there’s one in your neighborhood that you like, then we can go there. I would rather go somewhere you’re comfortable, then force you to come here, where you may not feel comfortable
it’s also less likely for me to get recognized if you live in a less populated neighborhood
18:24

I guess there’s one by my place that I like. I don’t go there often, but if we go on a school day in the morning, then there shouldn’t be any children there. When are you free?
18:23

I’m really busy recently, actually
the only reason I can text back rn is because I’m going between shoots lol, but I have three hours free on tuesday morning?
from 7-10 am, I know that’s early, but that’s all I have for the next week or so
next free slot would be next sunday in the night
if that time doesn’t work, I can come to your work when you’re off tomorrow and we can go to that park
whatever you want, hyung
18:25

Yoongi sighs. Seven o’clock does sound early, and he has no idea if he’ll have the mental capacity in the morning to have a conversation with Jungkook of all people, but the idea of meeting Jungkook while predictably grumpy and sleep-deprived, is far from ideal. So he’ll have to force himself to get up that early, and probably drink twice the amount of coffee just to get through the work day.

7:30 a.m. on Tuesday.
18:28

Jungkook doesn’t respond after that, so Yoongi exits their chat and wonders if he made the right choice as he climbs out of bed for the evening. Is it too optimistic to believe that actually talking to Jungkook will clear up his mind? Or is he getting way ahead of himself?

Well, Yoongi thinks, I guess I’ll find out.

He gets his meds refilled at the pharmacy and picks up groceries for the week while he’s out, distracting himself by cooking dinner and feeding small pieces of meat to Keys when she comes near him. Hoseok is around, too, complaining about some of the dancers on his team. It’s a good way to get out of his head.

Work on Monday is quiet. It’s like the calm after the storm; Yoongi got so used to the hustle and bustle of Jungkook’s staff and his own boss’ excitement. Without the rush, he spends his morning watching videos and updating The Sunshine Show’s blog page, not allowing himself even a centimeter of brain space to be taken up by Jungkook.

On Monday night, Yoongi spends it running Night Town solo, which is a lot more relaxing than he anticipated. He and the producers and sound engineers are already close, since he started off alongside them, so they quickly pick up a banter whenever they’re off-air. Yoongi would never say this to Namjoon, because he loves The Sunshine Show, but he has more fun with Jiyeon’s show, even if it runs late.

And then it’s 5:45 a.m. on Tuesday morning, awoken by the alarm on his phone and Keys gently pawing at his face. Yoongi forces himself out of bed at this ungodly hour, the sun barely out, and gets dressed in a casual hoodie and jeans. It still feels lazy, so he adds a necklace and a beanie, because it feels like the thing to do when you go see your ex.

“Hungry, baby?” Yoongi asks, scooping a serving of wet cat food into Keys’ bowl, watching her dig into it immediately. He strokes her head to calm his nerves, smiling at the sight of his kitty eating so well. “I’m too nervous to eat, Keys, so you gotta have some for me.”

Keys is busy licking the food residue off her mouth. Yoongi snaps a picture, then just laughs to himself because she looks so silly with her tongue sticking out mid-photo.

“Come on, be photogenic,” Yoongi says, still crouched in the floor, angling his phone camera to capture Keys’ essence. When he clicks the shutter, it’s right when she lifts her leg to clean herself. “Okay, maybe it’s too early for you too.”

After giving Keys more love and playing around with her, Yoongi leaves around 6:40 a.m. to pick up coffee and sit in the park. He shivers as he perches himself on the barren swing set, sipping his iced coffee, glancing around every once in a while for Jungkook. He doesn’t mean to, but he ends up dozing off with his head against the chain.

“Hyung.” Yoongi feels a light shake to his shoulder. His hands feel numb. “Yoongi-hyung, hey. Wake up.”

“Hm?” Yoongi opens his eyes slowly, jerking back when he finds Jungkook’s face a mere few inches to his own. He nearly slips off the swing, but in one swift movement, Jungkook’s hands are on his waist, steadying him.

Jungkook looks at him with wide eyes. “Careful, hyung,” he says, quiet as ever, pulling Yoongi back upright. “How long have you been here?”

“What time is it?” Yoongi asks, setting down his coffee cup to wipe his hands on his jeans, looking up at Jungkook. It feels really, really weird to see him like this. “Probably not long. I got here around seven o’clock.”

“Ah, okay,” Jungkook says, picking something up from the ground. It seems he made the wise decision to get a hot drink rather than iced. “Would you like to talk here?”

Yoongi blinks, taking a second to process Jungkook’s outfit. He looks very cozy, wrapped up in a coat that must be more expensive than anything Yoongi owns, glasses sitting on his pink nose. Unlike at the station, he’s barefaced today, his moles and that one cheek scar out for Yoongi to see.

“Here’s fine,” Yoongi says, nodding, watching Jungkook sit on the second swing. His legs are even longer than Yoongi’s, so he stretches them out completely, showing off his legs and shoes. Yoongi looks away, berating himself for staring. Who cares that Jungkook has nice thighs and expensive shoes?

“Is there,” Jungkook clears his throat, “is there something you want to talk about in particular?”

Yoongi shoves his coffee straw into his mouth. “You put me through a lot of pain, Jungkook-ah,” he says, sipping his coffee after. His heart clenches inside his chest; this feeling of pain comes crawling back. “I couldn’t say this last week, not on the air, but I never understood why you left me behind.”

“But on Friday, I told you,” Jungkook replies, speaking slowly. He rubs his nose, then sips his drink, thumb running over the opening. Yoongi watches, too fascinated by him. “My old company told me I would get kicked out if I stayed with you. I had to. I thought you understood.”

“Did you see your text?” Yoongi scoffs, shaking his head. He doesn’t like unpacking this, it feels so demeaning. It feels like he’s asking for Jungkook’s pity and going, “poor me,” when he’s moved on since five years ago. “You never told me what you meant. It was so vague. You can’t blame me for thinking you cheated with that girl.”

“I didn’t control—”

“You should have told me everything yourself,” Yoongi interrupts, tears in his eyes as he remembers the moment he saw those rumors, lying in his bed, still living in a tiny apartment with Hoseok. He remembers feeling everything crumble immediately. “You should have just told me that you cheated on me, or that you didn’t or whatever happened, your fucking self.”

Jungkook puts his hands on the chains, slowly beginning to swing himself front and back. His big eyes are shifty and avoidant, focused on the ground below. Yoongi awaits Jungkook’s answer, curious to know if he can defend himself against these claims.

“Look, I don’t know how to prove to you that I didn’t do what you’re saying,” Jungkook says, and Yoongi almost laughs because it’s so obvious that he’s just finding a nicer way to say, “I can’t say I didn’t cheat on you.”

“So, what? You’re here to confirm that you really did cheat on me? Because that’s a huge asshole move.”

“No!” Jungkook stops swinging, head snapping towards Yoongi. There’s so much panic and urgency in his voice. “Hyung, I didn’t. I swear on my life.”

“Huh.” Yoongi looks away, a smile pulling at his mouth, even though everything about this is far from amusing. “I’m not sure if I know whether to believe that, Jungkook-ah.”

Jungkook squeezes his coffee cup in his right hand. “Hyung,” he says, voice trembling, and Yoongi almost feels bad, but doesn’t when he remembers who Jungkook is, what he’s done. “They were just rumors. I never touched another person while I was with you.”

“So?” Yoongi asks, that painful feeling of betrayal festering in his chest. “I trusted you. And whether you did those things or not, you broke that trust when you didn’t tell me what was happening.”

“Hyung—”

“You know what? Fuck the company for doing whatever they did, but it doesn’t excuse what you chose to do with that information. All I ever did was take care of you as a boyfriend, and you threw it all away, because of what, huh?”

“Because I was scared, hyung! I did it because I was scared, not because I stopped loving you!”

Yoongi falls quiet. He doesn’t know what to make of that. He doesn’t know what that implies. Is Jungkook trying to say he still loves Yoongi?

“I know what I did was shitty,” Jungkook says, not giving Yoongi enough time to digest the last ten minutes of back and forth. Yoongi can’t follow that easily, but he pushes through for the sake of having this conversation. “But can you understand where I was coming from? That I broke up with you because I was scared that I was going to lose the five years I spent working towards debuting?”

“Still,” Yoongi says, weak. He looks at Jungkook like he’s a stranger. He is far from the boy who he fell in love with. They both are. “I gave you the benefit of the doubt when you first told me. I was confused, and I was right to be. And when those rumors hit, I know they did worse for her than you, but it just broke me, Jungkook-ah. I don’t think you understand when I say that.”

Jungkook doesn’t respond, this time.

They swing in silence for a couple of minutes. Yoongi is gathering his thoughts, piecing together Jungkook’s story in his head. It makes sense, it does, but he shouldn’t jump headfirst into trusting Jungkook just like that. He needs more clarity. Otherwise Jungkook is going to become a dark spot on his path of life, and Yoongi will be forced to move on completely.

He doesn’t want to. Yoongi doesn’t want to move on, not when he still feels something, and there’s still a chance that Jungkook isn’t the man Yoongi thought he was.

“How did they find out?” Yoongi asks, finishing his coffee, shaking the ice just to hear something other than their voices.

“My old manager caught wind of a picture of you and I together circling around the dorm,” Jungkook huffs, then laughs, more in-pain than anything else. Yoongi looks up at him again, but he’s staring off into the early morning sun. “I guess another trainee took it with the intent of throwing off my debut date. I was so scared, hyung. Everyone was against me.”

Yoongi sniffs and wipes his cheek. “How could they have known that you actually cut me off?” he asks, looking back at the ground. He lets himself swing a little. “Like, were they watching you or something?”

Jungkook nods. “Yeah. They were. Nonstop,” he says, finishing the last of his drink, tilting his chin even higher to look up at the clouds forming in the sky. Which puts Yoongi on edge. Is it going to rain? “My old manager watched me send the text and forced me to block your number. I wasn’t allowed to use my phone.”

“How did you get my message on Sunday?”

“I unblocked you when I switched companies. That’s when I got free use of my phone back.”

Yoongi frowns. “They had you under surveillance for that long?” he asks, finding it unsettling. He can’t imagine what kind of scrutiny Jungkook was under at his old company. “How did you get out of that, anyway?”

“We went bankrupt. They basically said, ‘hey, your career is doing shit but this other company wants to invest in you since we can’t’ and I switched over because Brass managed to bring another failing group to success.” Jungkook shrugs after, seeming more relaxed now. “And thank god I did. I would be nobody without them.”

“It’s been so long,” Yoongi says, “and it feels like I barely know you now.”

“Likewise.” Jungkook turns his head towards Yoongi, and smiles. Actually smiles, with a warm look in his eyes, and a cute little nose scrunch. “Funny that Kim Namjoon-ssi is your coworker now. I remember when he almost ran me over with his bicycle.”

“I’m still roommates with Hoseok too.” Yoongi smiles a little too, just knowing how angry Hoseok is going to be when he finds out about this. “He was very against me hosting last week.”

“You did great, hyung. You’re a good interviewer slash ex-boyfriend.”

Yoongi laughs and nods once. “Thanks,” he murmurs, tucking a piece of hair back under his beanie. “Do you, um, do you still have the picture?”

Jungkook digs his phone out of his pocket, mumbling, “I might.”

After a few minutes, Jungkook passes Yoongi his phone. The picture is way more scandalous than Yoongi thought it would be.

It’s strange to look at this younger version of them, hiding in the shadow of Jungkook’s dorm building. Yoongi, not quite kissing Jungkook, but his hands were resting on Jungkook’s hips, leaning close. And Jungkook, in a more incriminating position, was pressing a kiss to Yoongi’s jaw mid-laugh. Yoongi shudders at the thought of strangers putting this picture under a microscope, dissecting it and making Jungkook feel guilty for it.

“That’s fucked up,” Yoongi says, handing Jungkook his phone again. Jungkook quietly nods in agreement, looking down at the photo too, then putting his phone away. Yoongi has no idea what to do with everything they just talked about. He might be even more confused now. “You… really kept that picture?”

“I have all our old pictures,” Jungkook says, frowning, looking at Yoongi. “Why?”

“No reason,” Yoongi says quickly, blushing in the cold, wondering what it means when they both keep all their old pictures.

They sit in silence again, Yoongi doesn’t know for how long. He’s trying to soak in all the information and form a plausible course of action. The more time he sits here with Jungkook, the more he wants to ask if a second chance is an option for them. Because, if Jungkook didn’t cheat on him, Yoongi wants to trust him again.

At some point, Jungkook starts humming while he swings, his head propped against the chain, a small smile on his lips. It takes Yoongi a few seconds for him to realize that Jungkook is humming Yours, and finds himself smiling too.

“You mean it?” Yoongi asks, turning his head towards Jungkook again. “All of this was just… a misunderstanding.”

“Yeah,” Jungkook agrees. “It was. And I’m sorry.”

Yoongi wants that second chance.

++

Yoongi didn’t know what to expect out of reconnecting with Jungkook, but the last thing was for him to show up at the station on Friday night.

They’ve been sort of texting back and forth, mostly Jungkook sending and Yoongi giving short, vague replies. He forwards Yoongi their old, old pictures, from when they started dating over six years ago now. He asks how Yoongi’s work day is, and Yoongi says it’s good. He makes small talk and Yoongi sort of hates it, because he wants more.

He’s not one to text often in the first place, which Jungkook should already know, but he especially feels uncomfortable with the fact that Jungkook is trying to reconcile with him again. He’s trying, and it’s weird, and Yoongi isn’t sure where he wants this to go.

So Yoongi doesn’t know what to think when he leaves work, exhausted from doing late nights the whole week, and finds Jungkook leaning against the trunk of his car.

“What’re you doing here?” Yoongi asks, still standing several feet away from his car. Jungkook lifts his head; there’s a mask on his face, a cap on, but Yoongi can tell it’s him just by his posture and figure. He watched too many videos last weekend.

“Have you had dinner?” Jungkook asks, straightening his back, pushing his shoulders out. Yoongi’s fingers twitch at the sight of his broad shoulders, the outline of his chest through his sweater. “An ad shoot for tomorrow morning got canceled. I thought we could get something to eat.”

“People usually ask first, you know,” Yoongi says, striding forward, past Jungkook. He dumps his bag in the backseat of his car.

Jungkook shuffles on his feet. “I know, hyung,” he mumbles, then pulls down his mask, eyes downcast. He has make-up on today, eyelids shimmering in the flickering fluorescent light above. “Anyway, dinner? I’m really hungry.”

Yoongi looks around the empty parking garage, then returns his gaze to Jungkook in front of him. “How did you even get here?”

“My manager dropped me off, like, ten minutes ago.” Jungkook raises his eyebrows. “Again, food?”

“Fine,” Yoongi relents, despite the fact that he knows he shouldn’t when he’s this tired. He gestures to the passenger side of his car. “Get in.”

Jungkook, clearly unworried, skips around the back of Yoongi’s car and sits in the passenger seat. Yoongi takes a deep breath, reminds himself to count if it gets too overwhelming, then climbs into the driver’s seat. Jungkook is pulling up an address on his phone. He passes it to Yoongi with a hesitant smile.

“This place?” Yoongi asks, lifting his eyebrows. He hasn’t been to this restaurant in years. He’s surprised that it’s still around because it was so tiny. “Are you sure you want to go here?”

“Mhm,” Jungkook confirms, smile growing a little when Yoongi takes out his own phone to input the address.

The drive over is rather quiet. Yoongi’s head hurts from his long day, and he hasn’t had the chance to completely catch up on sleep since staying up for thirty-six hours straight. And he may or may not have skipped lunch, so he’s hungry too.

It’s strange having Jungkook in his passenger seat again. Yoongi’s car was his dad’s before his parents gave it to him, and he has memories with Jungkook in this garbage chunk of metal; driving through late nights, kissing in the backseat. Yoongi never thought he would be making more memories with Jungkook.

The restaurant is oddly the same. It’s a slightly elevated building in the corner of a street near Yoongi’s old apartment. The waft of barbecue hits Yoongi’s nose when he steps inside, and his eyes fall to one of the metal tables in the center. He shouldn’t have let Jungkook pick this place. It’s so overrun with memories; memories he hasn’t revisited in years.

“Will you grill for me?” Jungkook asks, once they’re sitting at a different table than their old one, eyes wrinkled up as he looks at Yoongi. “You always cook the meat evenly.”

“I wonder how much raw meat you’ve eaten in the last five years,” Yoongi says, pulling off his coat, placing it on the empty chair beside him. He already knows what he wants. He still remembers everything they used to order. “Like, the food isn’t going anywhere? You can wait for it to cook through.”

“But what if I’m hungry?”

“I’ll grill the damn meat.”

Jungkook giggles softly, pushing his mask down to his chin, folding his arms on the table. Yoongi looks up when the owner comes over to their table, and he pauses for a moment, before he smiles.

The owner smiles back. “You thought I would forget you two?” she asks, and Yoongi flushes, shaking his head. He wasn’t sure, honestly.

“No, ahjumma, never,” Jungkook says, grinning brightly, cheeks scrunched above his mask. It’s unfairly cute. “How could you forget us anyway, we came here all the time!”

Yoongi laughs, breathless, and murmurs, “It has been five years.”

The owner ruffles Yoongi’s hair without much hesitation. “I’ll never forget how well you two eat,” she says, and Yoongi beams up at her. That’s a compliment he’ll take any day. “Especially you, Yoongi-yah.”

“Hyung doesn’t eat better than me,” Jungkook whines, then pouts with his puppy eyes, pushing up the visor of his cap for the owner to see. “Ahjumma, how could you say that?”

“Aish, don’t make me choose,” she responds, whacking Jungkook upside the head. Jungkook rubs the spot, and Yoongi snickers, knowing it was well-deserved. “Besides, I get to hear both your lovely voices on the radio. There’s been no shortage of you two in this restaurant.”

Heat fills Yoongi’s face. Oh, that’s a first. Someone saying they listen to his show for his voice.

“You eat for free tonight,” the owner says, touching Jungkok’s shoulder, smiling warmly at them. “But Jungkook-ah, you have to sign something before you go! I’ve been bragging with no proof that you used to come here!”

“Ah, of course,” Jungkook says, his smile more half-hearted this time. Yoongi wonders what that could mean. “I’ll sign something for you. Thank you.”

The owner gives them another crescent-mooned smile, then takes down their initial orders. Yoongi bows a little before she walks away, then turns back to Jungkook. He doesn’t know what to make of this; this location, this setting, this person.

Is this a date?

Because even though Yoongi kind of wants it to be, he can’t be careless in calling it that, not when he still doesn’t fully know how to address their relationship. So he guesses it’s just a meal between exes, right now. He guesses their rebudding relationship will continue like that. Two exes.

“Do you remember when we first came here?” Jungkook asks, leaning his elbow on the table, cheek resting in his palm. Yoongi only nods in response. How could he forget? They had their first kiss just outside. “You got so mad at me.”

“I didn’t think you’d order that much food,” Yoongi says, letting his shoulders sag when he yawns. He should be in bed right now. He hopes Hoseok has fed Keys.

“I was a growing boy,” Jungkook scoffs. “I needed to eat that much.”

“Jungkook-ah, I literally had to ask my manager for an advance on my next paycheck. You wiped me out clean.”

Jungkook shrugs, like it’s no big deal. “Hey, the cute guy I met wanted to buy me food. What was I supposed to do?” he asks, batting his eyelashes, however not so innocently this time.

You can’t say stuff like that, Yoongi wants to tell him. You shouldn’t say things that will confuse my heart and make me yearn for you again.

He doesn’t say anything.

“Anyway, I’m doing this brand deal,” Jungkook continues, seeming unbothered by Yoongi’s lack of a response, “and it’s kind of a shitty one? I mean, I chose it, but the brand is super rude. But I feel bad! I already agreed to be their ambassador, so I don’t know what to do.”

“Can’t you back out of the deal?” Yoongi asks, then shrugs. He never thought that idols had much to worry about in their lives, aside from the excessive media and fan attention. “You’re insanely rich, aren’t you?”

Jungkook adjusts his arms on the table, then says, “I wouldn’t say that.”

“I know how much the station paid you for the special,” Yoongi says, raising his eyebrows. He only knows because Jiyeon gossiped about the special to him over the course of several weeks prior to it. “You realize they paid you more than my annual salary for three days, right?”

“That’s not—”

“Not to mention the money you probably make from album sales and touring. Other brand deals you have, probably millions of won—”

“Okay, why are we talking about my income?” Jungkook’s eyes are wide, facing Yoongi with traces of discomfort in his eyes. Yoongi’s unsure if he’s ever seen that look on his face. “That’s not cool, hyung. Not something I like to talk about.”

Yoongi glances up when an employee gives them two shot glasses and a bottle of soju. He reaches for it, pouring out the drink into Jungkook’s cup, letting Jungkook take it to pour the other. He downs his glass with Jungkook.

“I’m sorry,” Yoongi says, pouring Jungkook another glass. “I won’t mention it again.”

Their meal is actually very quiet between them. Yoongi expected more teasing from Jungkook, maybe more small talk, but he just takes his meat and side dishes and noodles with silence and soju. Yoongi isn’t sure how much they drink, pouring each other shots, almost a silent battle on who can drink more.

Until they’re completely wasted and hanging off each other’s arm, bidding the owner goodbye, leaving behind a piece of paper with Jungkook’s signature.

Yoongi clings to Jungkook’s elbow, almost tripping on his way back down to the street. Jungkook’s strong arms keep him upright.

“Mm. Can’t drive,” Yoongi says, laying his body against the side of his car, resting his head on top. “Jungkook-ah. You got—any hands?”

“Have two of ‘em.” Jungkook turns Yoongi around by his shoulders, bodies pressing together, hands coming to hold Yoongi’s face. And his touch is so soft, soothing and calm, undoubtedly Yoongi’s favorite. He’s so, so weak. The warm alcohol in his stomach isn’t helping.

“You look silly,” Yoongi mutters, using his index finger to press Jungkook’s rudolph nose like a button, trying to make it do something. “You’re pretty, Jungkookie. Like a sweet angel. Did you—know that?”

He shouldn’t be saying these things. But the blush that colors Jungkook’s cheeks might make it worth it.

“Am I silly, hyung?”

“You’re pretty,” Yoongi repeats, gaze fluttering to Jungkook’s lips. One is larger than the other, Yoongi remembers, because it fit perfectly between his own and he realizes how close they are, pushing Jungkook back by his shoulders. He touches his mouth like he actually kissed Jungkook just now. “We’ll wait until I’m sober.”

Jungkook doesn’t mention the reaction, plopping onto the ground to wait. Yoongi continues leaning against his car and turns his head to the sky. It’s mostly cloudy; he wonders if it is going to rain tonight. It never did on Tuesday.

“Hyung,” Jungkook calls, lying back on the ground, staring up at the sky too. Yoongi kicks the gravel beneath his feet and grunts in answer. “I didn’t cheat on you.”

“I know, Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi replies.

He feels conflicted when he looks at Jungkook, his fluttering eyes, flushed cheeks. He wonders what all has gone through Jungkook’s head these five years. He feels unsteady being with Jungkook right now. Like someone is going to pop out with a camera to ask if he saw this joke coming.

But, still. Yoongi’s skepticism hasn’t dominated his thoughts as much. He does believe Jungkook, just not fully. It’s still enough to start letting Jungkook in. To stop questioning whether or not he’s been right about Jungkook all along.

That’s the most confusing part about this. Wondering if Jungkook is trustworthy, is faithful. He displays those traits in other aspects of his life, but when it comes to dating, Yoongi isn’t completely convinced. He trusted Jungkook, back then, before they broke up, because he believed they were in love.

Even now, seeing how Jungkook isn’t pushing Yoongi, prying at his walls, trying to get him to cave—seeing the way Jungkook treats Yoongi carefully after five years, like maybe he knows the impact he left. It seems impossible, and confusing, to the point that Yoongi’s vision gets blurry just trying to think about it.

“I think I’m gonna throw up,” Yoongi announces, looking down at Jungkook still sprawled on the ground, then hunches over to hold his upset stomach. An unpleasant, burning feeling is climbing up his throat. “Yep, definitely about to throw up.”

“Hyung.” Jungkook is on his feet, touching Yoongi’s shoulders, guiding him towards the gutter on the side of the road. Yoongi vomits into the street, grimacing. He feels sweaty and gross, and his head hurts even more now, and he just kind of wants to go home and cuddle Keys. “Shh. Breathe.”

Yoongi sniffles and dry heaves for a second, coughing and spitting excess out of his mouth. He leans into Jungkook’s sturdy chest, whimpering. Everything hurts. He shouldn’t have had so much to drink. Especially because of how close he is to Jungkook right now. Damn their competitive natures.

“I’m way more sober than you, should I drive you home?” Jungkook asks, holding Yoongi upright when he almost falls over. “Hyung, where do you live? It’s near that park we went to, right?”

“Mhm.” Yoongi’s feet feel like stones. He doesn’t want to move, his head feels full of cotton. “Sleepy.”

“Oh no. Don’t fall asleep,” Jungkook says, using his other arm to support Yoongi’s body, and Yoongi staggers with him back to his car. “God, okay. Um, I need your keys and phone.”

Yoongi feels through his pockets, taking out his phone, handing it over after unlocking it. He does the same with his car keys, willingly slumping into the passenger seat of his car. He props his head against the window once Jungkook shuts the door, and his eyelids are heavy, and he caves into the urge to drift off.

++

It’s morning when Yoongi wakes up. His head is pounding with a hangover, Keys curled up at his side. He’s on the couch, still wearing the same clothes from last night. Everything in his memory is sort of blurry, and his dream was super weird so that doesn’t help.

There’s noise in the kitchen, the sound of Hoseok brewing himself a cup of iced coffee. Yoongi groans and tries to remember what happened last night. He went out with Jungkook, he remembers that much, but everything from finishing the meal to getting home is fuzzy. What if he did something stupid?

“Good, you’re awake.”

Yoongi meets Hoseok’s eyes and asks, “What time is it?”

God, he sounds awful. It pairs well with the horrid taste in his mouth. He feels like something died inside of him.

“Just past noon. Wanna explain why you showed up here, piss drunk with your ex-boyfriend?” Hoseok asks, sipping his coffee through a straw. Yoongi drapes his arm over his forehead. He did not do that. He couldn’t have. “Should I wait until after you’ve made yourself a living person again?”

“I’ll kill you,” Yoongi says, without really meaning it. He lies on the couch for a minute or so, and gets up only when he can’t bear his own breath. On his way to the bathroom, he makes sure to flip Hoseok off.

As Yoongi takes a shower, he returns to recollecting his strewn memories. The fog has cleared, just slightly, enough for him to recall that he nearly kissed Jungkook last night. He’s never accepting Jungkook’s invite to get a meal together again. Well, if Jungkook asked, he might go again.

Yoongi remembers getting home, but not what happened before or after that. Hoseok was awake, probably startled by the fact that Yoongi was returning so late. He doesn’t know how Hoseok reacted to seeing Jungkook, but can’t imagine it was anything good. He wouldn’t be surprised if Hoseok punched him or something.

Alas, Yoongi accepts that he blacked out last night and makes a promise to himself to drink less next time, then joins Hoseok in the kitchen after getting dressed. He feeds Keys first, then makes himself coffee and takes painkillers for his hangover. Hoseok is sitting at the table, watching Yoongi’s every move.

“Okay, cuss me out, I know you want to,” Yoongi says with a sigh, sipping the coffee in his glass. Hoseok just shrugs like he doesn’t know what Yoongi is talking about. “Don’t do that bullshit with me, Hoba, you don’t have to pretend to not be mad.”

“You make it sound like I’m mad at you,” Hoseok says, then crosses his arms. Yoongi doesn’t know what that means. Is he mad at Jungkook, then? That would make sense, given the fact that Hoseok already dislikes Jungkook. “You do realize he’s manipulating you again, right? He just wants to use you.”

Those are definitely not the words Yoongi expected him to say.

It can’t be true, right? Jungkook wouldn’t do that to him. He didn’t manipulate Yoongi before. Or did he? Has Yoongi been impervious to the truth behind Jungkook’s actions? He did just show up to the station yesterday unannounced—maybe there was some kind of hidden agenda.

“He’s not,” Yoongi says, slow, uncertain. Now he’s confused again. “I’m not that stupid, right?”

“You’re not stupid, hyung.” Hoseok brushes his hair out of his face, then sighs. “Just maybe a little too trusting?”

Yoongi shakes his head in denial. No way. None of this means he suddenly trusts Jungkook again. It just means he has some amount of faith and belief that Jungkook isn’t a bad person.

“I’m not,” he insists, sipping more of his coffee. He glances down when Keys rubs her body against his ankles, then looks back at Hoseok, lost. “I’m not too trusting.”

“Hyung, he drove your car. You let him into our home,” Hoseok says, but that’s not fair. Yoongi was drunk, he didn’t have control of his actions. Jungkook was just making sure he got home safe, anyway, which just means he’s thoughtful, right?

Yoongi shrugs off the concern and says, “He was being considerate. Showing basic, human decency.”

“Why were you out with him in the first place?”

“He just kind of… showed up, from what I remember.”

Hoseok’s eyebrows lift. “And you decided to go out with him, why?”

“I was hungry,” Yoongi defends, frustrated by this conversation. The notion that he can’t be civil with his ex-boyfriend is infuriating. He’s never gone and dictated how Hoseok should act around the men who broke his heart. “He showed up and wanted to get food, so we went to get food. I had too much to drink and he took me home. It’s not as outrageous as you’re making it seem.”

“I’m just looking out for you,” Hoseok says, sounding offended. Yoongi isn’t even trying to deny or seem ungrateful for that. He knows Hoseok looks out for him more than anyone. “Can you blame me for not wanting to see you get hurt again?” He seems so upset that Yoongi’s chest aches.

“I’m not blaming you, Hoba.” Yoongi distracts himself with the condensation on his glass. “I just want you to trust that I know what I’m doing. That I can handle this. Can’t you do that?”

With the silence, Yoongi doesn’t know what Hoseok thinks. He doesn’t pry or ask questions when Hoseok just gets up and walks away. The slam of his bedroom door echoes the kitchen and living room. Yoongi looks down at Keys still near his feet and pouts. Keys just meows and paws at his leg.

Once he finishes breakfast and plays with Keys for a bit, Yoongi checks his phone for messages. He’s unsurprised to find ones of concern from Jungkook, and he really hates that he smiles at the sight of them. He shouldn’t be getting this excited that Jungkook texted him.

Saturday, October 22nd, 2022

hi lol Hoseok-ssi definitely hates me now
just woke up T_T I got 3 hrs sleep only
I wanted to know how you’re doing after last night? you had a lot to drink and were pretty out of it
04:55

I’m fine now, thanks.
Appreciate that you took me home. I didn’t mean to drink so much.
I’m not doing that again.
12:51

hyung! glad you’re fine :)
and okay, we’ll do something else next time
12:53

You always make everything a competition.
Like why were we battling out who could handle more soju?
12:55

no one made you do that hyung
it’s okay, we won’t do anything with as much alcohol
maybe I can make you dinner?
12:57

Oh, that definitely sounds like a date. But Yoongi isn’t… opposed to it. He’s actually quite interested in what Jungkook could cook for him. As a trainee, Jungkook hardly ever had time to eat, let alone cook for himself, so Yoongi wonders what he’s picked up over the last five years.

I like dinner.
13:00

I’d hope so
13:01

Very funny.
When?
13:01

This time, Jungkook reads the message and doesn’t immediately respond, so Yoongi checks his other messages. Some from the Night Town production staff, some from Namjoon regarding work. Jiyeon sent him more pictures of the newborn, and Seokjin is crying about his lack of sleep in the group chat without her.

Jungkook responds a few minutes later.

let’s do tomorrow night at 7 ?
I’ll send you my address later
don’t be late :)
13:10

++

“Do I look okay?” Yoongi asks Hoseok, forty minutes till he has to be at Jungkook’s place for dinner. He got showered and dressed, but he doesn’t know if what he’s wearing is too fancy or not fancy enough. He’s just going to Jungkook’s apartment, so it shouldn’t be that upscale, right?

“Going somewhere?” Hoseok asks, lying on the couch with his phone, looking Yoongi up and down. “I didn’t even know you owned a sweater like that.”

Yoongi rubs the back of his neck, and mumbles, “Just dinner,” because if he tells Hoseok who it’s with, then he’s just going to start another argument. Hopefully he doesn’t ask again, but knowing him, Yoongi probably won’t get so lucky. “So? Okay?”

Hoseok gestures for Yoongi to turn, so he sighs and does a slow three-sixty turn, picking Keys up when he stops. There’s a contemplative look on Hoseok’s face, and he gets up to mess with Yoongi’s hair a little. Yoongi just lets him, because Hoseok can be finicky about the way he dresses. But he put a decent amount of effort into this outfit, so he’s not surprised when Hoseok doesn’t do much else.

“You look great. Who’s the dinner with?” Hoseok asks, leaning against the couch armrest, while Yoongi refills Keys’ food bowl. He knew Hoseok would ask again, so maybe if he just doesn’t say anything, he can get away with it. “Don’t tell me…”

Well, there goes that hope.

“It’s just dinner—”

“Hyung.”

Yoongi stands again, crossing his arms. “Hoseok, he’s not your ex to be this upset over,” he says, and Hoseok rolls his eyes, then crosses his arms too. Here they are, getting into an argument when Yoongi didn’t want to. “It’s not my place to tell you his reasoning because it’s personal to him, but he didn’t cheat on me. And I believe that.”

“Isn’t that what he wants you to think?” Hoseok asks, and Yoongi shakes his head, really not wanting to get into this. He walks to the closet in hopes of avoiding it, but Hoseok trails after him. “Think about it, most cheaters and abusers will—”

“Hyung isn’t really willing to talk about this,” Yoongi cuts off as he takes out a pair of shoes. He knows that this will get Hoseok on a tangent where he analyzes the situation, when it doesn’t even concern him. So it’s better to stop him now than when Yoongi is ten minutes late. “I know you care, I do. But you don’t know the full story. Therefore, any opinion you have about Jungkook is meaningless to me.”

Hoseok sort of steps back at that. “Meaningless?” he repeats, both eyebrows raised. Yoongi leans against the wall to pull on his shoes, pocketing his keys and wallet. “You’re saying you don’t care what I think?”

“I care what you think on most things, Hoseok-ah,” Yoongi says, pulling a coat over his sweater, checking his hair in the mirror. Whatever Hoseok did to it is really suiting his face. “But when it comes to my ex and my relationship, then what you think doesn’t matter. You’re not even in the equation.”

“That’s a really shitty thing to say, hyung.”

“Well, you’re doing a shitty thing by prying into my life when you know I don’t like that.” Yoongi kneels to give Keys some final head rubs and kisses. He’s been leaving her alone a lot; he hopes that isn’t negatively affecting her. “You don’t have to agree with this. But as my best friend, I could just hope for quiet support.”

Hoseok pinches the bridge of his nose and doesn’t respond, breathing deep through his nose. He looks like he has more to say, but Yoongi should go now.

Instead of perpetuating the anger, Yoongi rubs Hoseok’s shoulder and forces a small smile, hoping to soothe him. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Do something nice for yourself in the meantime,” he says, and leaves it at that.

Yoongi feels awkward about one thing, unrelated to Hoseok’s opinions on Jungkook. He doesn’t usually go over to his friends’ houses for meals. Most times, they’ll invite him out to a restaurant or a bar to get drinks. No one’s ever really cooked for him either, with the exception of Seokjin because he’s a chef. He’s actually only gone to Seokjin and Jiyeon’s house the most. Occasionally Namjoon’s if he’s having a particularly shitty day.

So he doesn’t know what to expect out of the night. It’s more one-on-one alone time with Jungkook. At least on Friday, they were surrounded by a couple of restaurant patrons, but now Yoongi is going in alone. He didn’t think that through when he accepted the invite.

Nonetheless, Yoongi drives to Jungkook’s apartment. Traffic isn’t as horrendous as it is on a weeknight, but he is somewhat awestruck by the massive building that Jungkook lives in. The numbers in the elevator go all the way up to thirty-five. And it’s crazy that that’s the number Yoongi has to press to get to Jungkook’s apartment.

It takes a bit of pacing and deep breathing to gather the confidence to ring the doorbell. Yoongi comes to a stand still, pretending to observe the doormat, hands behind his back. In a few moments, Jungkook opens the door, and Yoongi looks up again.

“Hi,” Jungkook says, cheeks flushed, sounding breathless. He swallows and opens the door wider, flashing a smile. “Come in.”

“It smells good,” Yoongi says, closing the door behind him, taking off his shoes. He puts on the slippers that Jungkook offers him, following him into his spacious kitchen.

There’s a steaming pot on the stove, a pan with sizzling vegetables beside it, but that isn’t what captures Yoongi’s attention. His eyes are drawn to the windows on the far end of the apartment, floor to ceiling, city lights sparkling. The apartment itself is completely furnished, each piece having a tinge of Jungkook’s personality; huge black sofa, fluffy rug, wide-screen TV. Everything makes sense.

“Here, hyung, sit,” Jungkook says, pulling a chair out of his kitchen table, smiling again. It’s a little quiet and reserved, but Yoongi accepts it with his own smile, sliding into the seat.

As Jungkook returns to the kitchen, Yoongi takes the moment to admire him. The t-shirt he’s wearing falls over his body, flowing, so simple, yet so attractive. There’s jewelry hanging from his neck, some on his wrists and in his ears. His pants are tight around his thighs and hips, but open up as they descend towards his feet.

In simple terms, Jungkook looks charming. Yoongi will probably spend the entire night staring at him.

“I’m glad you came on time,” Jungkook says, setting the dishes on the table. Yoongi starts getting up to help, but with a brief touch of Jungkook’s hand on his arm, he sits down again. “I would have been sad if the food was cold by the time you got here. But I was already about to turn off the stove when you came, so. And I’m sorry if it’s so simple, ugh, I can’t make anything fancy, so—”

He’s rambling. Cute.

“Jungkook-ah, it looks great,” Yoongi says softly, saving Jungkook from his spiraling thoughts. Jungkook exhales, gives a shaky smile, then returns to the counter to bring back a couple more things.

Yoongi pulls off his coat and places it on the chair beside him, pulling forward the bowl of rice Jungkook gives him and picking up his chopsticks. He watches, frowning, as Jungkook picks up a piece of beef and tucks it into Yoongi’s bowl. The same way Yoongi used to for him.

“Thanks,” Yoongi says, amused by the redness that immediately colors Jungkook’s ears. Such a small action—one reminiscent of their time together. “Did you have a busy day?”

Jungkook’s eyes scan over the table for a moment, clicking his chopsticks in deliberation. “Not so bad today. I had a couple shoots in the morning, some special stuff for my debut anniversary. Had lunch with my friends. Went to the gym in the afternoon.” He shrugs, stuffing mixture rice and meat into his mouth. Strangely adorable. “Came home a couple hours ago to make dinner.”

“This is a solid spread for a couple hours,” Yoongi says, smiling a little again. Jungkook’s face can’t get any redder. Some things really don’t change. “When did you take up cooking? I would think you’re even busier as an idol than you were as a trainee.”

“Eh… yeah, but I’d miss having a home cooked meal every now and again, so I forced myself on off nights. Eventually I started liking it,” Jungkook explains, leaning his elbow on the table, hand under his chin. Yoongi doesn’t know why, but all he can do is stare at the tattoos on his arm. It’s such a contrast from the boy he was five years ago. “Is it good?”

“It’s good,” Yoongi confirms, taking another bite. Jungkook smiles again; it seems to brighten up the room.

Like on Friday, the rest of the meal is continued without conversation, but Yoongi indulges in watching Jungkook eat. It’s interesting, seeing how this little, little detail hasn’t changed at all. How he still creases his eyebrows, breathes deep, shakes his head like the meal is just too good to be true. Yoongi never realized he missed that about Jungkook until now.

“Tell me about the radio stuff,” Jungkook says, after dinner, starting to clear away the empty dishes. Yoongi helps carry everything back to the kitchen sink and rolls up his sleeves to wash. “I know you were an intern or something while we were together, so I’m curious to know where that went. Because last time I checked, you were not in the business to host.”

“Yeah, it’s funny, actually,” Yoongi says, turning on the tap, rinsing a bowl and cleaning it out with a sponge. Jungkook takes it to wipe down with a towel. He still remembers how shocked he was that his boss wanted him on a show. “A couple years ago, I was helping Namjoon out with The Sunshine Show, which is what I actually host. Well, co-host. Anyway, he was a rookie and once, just once, I jumped in to help him with a show. And then our boss was like, so ready to give me the slot too. So I got promoted, I guess. Hence me taking over for Jiyeon.”

“What happened there?”

“With Jiyeon? She was pregnant. The day before the special began, she went into labor.”

“Oh shit, really?” Jungkook’s eyes are wide when Yoongi glances at him. That was pretty much Yoongi’s reaction when everything nearly went up in flames. “So, wait, how did you end up hosting instead? I’m sure, uh, you hadn’t thought positively of me then.”

Yoongi shrugs. “I didn’t,” he admits, because he still held more than a sliver of resentment for Jungkook and what he supposedly did. “But, I was thinking about who could do the job. Namjoon couldn’t because he’s up for this huge thing, he’s trying to get the morning slot. Not the point, but none of the other hosts could do it better than me. And even though we had history, I stepped in and I think I did pretty good, right?”

“I felt very comfortable, hyung,” Jungkook says, nudging Yoongi with his elbow. Yoongi’s sure that Jungkook is just exaggerating to make him feel better. Neither of them seemed completely comfortable when Yoongi rewatched some clips. “It was fun. I’m glad I picked that to promote the album.”

“It’s good,” Yoongi mumbles, embarrassed. Because he’s kind of been listening to Yours nonstop, and The one I lost too because it helps him remember that Jungkook had been going through heartbreak, too. “The album, I mean. I like it.”

“You do?” Jungkook sounds so surprised. “It’s not really your taste, though?”

“Idiot. I like it because it’s you.”

Jungkook doesn’t say anything for a second, then mumbles, “Oh. Thanks.”

Yoongi shakes his head as he finishes up the dishes, continuing to hand them off to Jungkook. He leans against the counter as he watches Jungkook carefully put everything away, scrubbing down the counter, frowning in determination. Yoongi remembers him being this cleaning monster, and that definitely hasn’t changed.

“Uh, wine?” Jungkook offers, giving Yoongi a half smile as he shifts his feet nervously. Yoongi didn’t come with the intention of drinking, but one glass couldn’t hurt. “You can sit on the couch, if you want.”

Yoongi nods again, squeezing Jungkook’s forearm for a second, then trailing towards the windows. It has a nice outlook over Seoul and the Han River; it gives Yoongi a sense of serenity and calm, washing over him like a gentle lapping wave. He expected to be a little more nervous around Jungkook, but it’s all been relaxed.

He turns his back to the windows and sits on the couch, glancing around the room again. A thick spined black book catches his eye, sitting on the lower rack of the glass coffee table. Yoongi reaches for it, pulling it into his lap.

It’s more of a photo book than anything. There’s a slot in the middle of the cover that says Jungkook’s Book of Memories, written in handwriting that definitely isn’t Jungkook’s. Yoongi wonders if someone gifted this to him.

Too curious, Yoongi flips open the cover. The first picture is Jungkook as an infant. Yoongi grins; he’s seen this one before, once when he and Jungkook shared their baby photos. He’s seen most of the ones on the next handful of pages. Each represents a year in Jungkook’s life. It’s a sweet, sentimental type of book.

“Oh my god,” Yoongi whispers, when he reaches thirteen-year-old Jungkook. A picture of him with long hair and an excessive fringe, standing with his parents in front of his old company’s building. The starting point of Jungkook’s career. He was so young.

Yoongi continues flipping. More photos from trainee days. And then…

He stops again. Nineteen-year-old Jungkook, with twenty-three-year-old Yoongi. It was a cheesy photo, one that makes Yoongi cringe now. A mirror picture in some bathroom somewhere, taken by Yoongi’s old, cracked cell phone, Jungkook kissing his cheek. Yoongi wants to cry just looking at it.

“Ah, you found that,” Jungkook says softly as he sits down again, holding two glasses of wine. As Yoongi takes one, he has to stop himself from downing everything at once. “My friends gave it to me for my birthday this year. They want me to add things every year after my birthday.”

“Why this picture?” Yoongi asks, finger pressing the corner of the page.

“It’s sweet. Simple. That’s how we were,” Jungkook says, taking a sip of his wine. There’s a frown on his face now, looking down at the picture book in Yoongi’s lap. “It was good, hyung. We were good.”

Yoongi feels his eyes get misty, but he won’t crack. Not here, with Jungkook. Not yet.

“We were,” Yoongi agrees, moving his fingertip over the photo sleeve, then turning the page.

The first picture is a still shot from Jungkook’s debut stage. Another one with back-up dancers and staff. A picture from a fansign.

He keeps going. Jungkook at an award show. Jungkook on stage again. Jungkook being interviewed. Jungkook with his parents backstage.

Next page. Jungkook and his new company. Jungkook and his third album together. Jungkook and two others, who Yoongi vaguely recognizes as members of a popular idol group. Jungkook with his first daesang.

“You became a star,” Yoongi says, then sniffs and takes a sip of his wine. So much time has passed. So much has changed between them, and Yoongi wishes it hadn’t. “I knew you would, and you did.”

“I guess I did,” Jungkook replies, looking at the daesang photo with this unhappy, solemn gaze. He doesn’t seem proud of himself. “This book doesn’t show any of my suffering, though.”

Yoongi doesn’t think that’s true.

“Maybe,” he says, because it is true that it doesn’t explicitly have any photos of Jungkook suffering, “but it shows that over the years, you grew and persevered. You worked hard to earn everything you have now.”

“Hyung…”

“It’s true.” Yoongi frowns, turning to the next page. Jungkook standing alone on a huge stadium stage, seats empty; then Jungkook taking in the seats filled to the brim with fans during the show. “You did it. Don’t you see that? You did this.”

Jungkook places his wine glass on the glass table, rubbing his eyes. “I’m… not sure that I did,” he says, laying his hand palm-up in the space between them. Yoongi glances down at it, wondering if it’s an offering. Does Jungkook want him to hold it? “What was the cost, hyung? I’ve spent half my life working. I lost so much. My childhood. My teenage years. Everything with you.”

I’m still here, Yoongi wants to say, but it isn’t true. He couldn’t be here for Jungkook these last five years because he was shut out of his life. For so long, Yoongi just thought Jungkook cheated on him and that was it. Now he just wishes Jungkook never lied to him, but it seems a little too late for that wish to come true.

“I’m here now,” Yoongi says, closing the photo book, turning his body towards Jungkook. “And I want to keep supporting you, if you’ll let me.”

“Hyung, it’s not—” Jungkook sighs, nose scrunching up. Even though he’s frustrated, he looks so cute. “It’s not easy.”

“I know it’s not.” Yoongi fiddles with his fingers. Nothing is easy, Yoongi knows that. But he wants to try again. He wants to re-explore his feelings for Jungkook. “But can’t we—I don’t know—just try? There’s no way to sugarcoat it, but you really—you really broke my heart.”

“And I’m so sorry for that, hyung.” Jungkook’s hand twitches between them, as if he wants to reach for Yoongi’s. And Yoongi wants to, but something is stopping him; this worrisome feeling expanding in his chest, suffocating his lungs. “I was—so stupid for doing that, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted that.”

Yoongi finishes his wine, touching the stem of his glass, tracing the rim. “I know that now,” he says gently, placing the glass beside Jungkook’s. “I don’t blame you for it. It wasn’t up to you. And you made the right decision to choose your career over me.”

“Hyung, that’s not—”

“You can’t blame yourself, either,” Yoongi insists, clutching Jungkook’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “They forced you to cut me off. That’s their fault. That’s not on you.”

Jungkook puts his free hand over Yoongi’s, sighing. He still looks so sad, so broken. And Yoongi doesn’t understand why because he doesn’t know Jungkook anymore.

Yoongi shuffles closer, moving slowly until his head rests on Jungkook’s shoulder, nose pressed into his neck. “I want to do this,” he whispers, like they used to. Secrets pressed into skin, marking him. Jungkook moves his arm around Yoongi and pulls him closer. “Don’t you know?”

“Know what?”

“That you mean so much to me.” Yoongi presses his face deeper. “You always did, Jungkook-ah.”

Jungkook’s other arm comes around Yoongi, tightening his grip. Yoongi thinks that maybe Jungkook is crying, but he doesn’t want to say anything; doesn’t want to accidentally hurt him. He’ll stay here, give Jungkook comfort for as long as he needs. The comfort he deserves. Yoongi can’t imagine how alone he’s felt all this time.

“I missed you so much,” Jungkook whimpers, shaking palm sliding up Yoongi’s back, cradling his head. “So much. So, so much.”

“I know,” Yoongi says, pulling his body to press against Jungkook’s chest. It feels safe here; feels warm, feels complete. “I know, angel, I know.”

Jungkook’s crying steadily grows louder and louder. It hurts Yoongi’s heart, to hear him sob and wail, and say, “hyung,” in such a ruined way. Yoongi hates that he couldn’t have been there to hold him before. All he can do is hold Jungkook now and hope that’s good enough.

++

Yoongi is checking his phone for the third time during an ad-break when he hears Namjoon ask, “Who the fuck are you waiting to text you?”

“No one,” Yoongi lies, monotone, turning his phone face down to minimize the risk of someone seeing Jungkook’s message. Well, he hasn’t heard from Jungkook since two in the morning, when he texted that he would be traveling for some overseas promo. And now he’s waiting, impatiently, for the text that Jungkook has landed safely. “Mind your business.”

“I would if you weren’t looking at your phone every two seconds,” Namjoon replies, folding his hands, placing his chin on top. He raises an eyebrow. “Hyungnim, you’re not usually like this.”

Yoongi plays with the sound controls, then fixes them, because they didn’t need to be changed anyway. “I’m not different,” he says, then shrugs. If starting fresh with Jungkook is doing this to him, then he wonders what will happen if they start dating again. Is he going to turn into some disgustingly mushy guy who never shuts up about his partner? “Maybe you’re different, Namjoon-ah.”

“What are you even saying?” Namjoon gives him a weird look, then adds, “Hobi told me you’re up to some shit.”

“I don’t do any shit,” Yoongi says, biting the inside of his cheek. It sucks that Hoseok won’t talk to Yoongi about their problems. And if Hoseok is telling Namjoon, there’s a chance that Namjoon knows about everything going on with Jungkook. “Can you leave it alone? I’m completely normal.”

Yoongi’s phone vibrates on the table. He grabs it to check the message, and is disappointed to find that it is not Jungkook, but another picture of Jiyeon and Seokjin’s baby.

“Normal, huh?” Namjoon asks, clearly not believing a word Yoongi is saying. “You’ve been acting weird since Jungkook was around.”

“You’re making that up in your head.”

“Uh, I really don’t think I am.” Namjoon sits back and crosses his arms. Yoongi sets down his phone and mirrors the position, challenging him. If Namjoon wants to question it, he can—that won’t make Yoongi break. “Did you forget what happened?”

Yoongi shrugs. “It’s actually a bit fuzzy because I was in so much distress,” he says, then spins in his chair. His emotions and reactions have been much more tame since he started taking his meds again. At least Hoseok was right about something. “But it’s all good now. Nothing to worry about.”

“Uh-huh,” Namjoon murmurs, then shuffles around his papers, leaning back in his chair. Yoongi takes a sip of his water. “Well, anyway, I have something to tell you?”

“Hm?”

“I, uh, I got the promotion. I’m hosting the morning slot.”

Yoongi nearly chokes on his water.

“Namjoon-ah, what the fuck,” Yoongi coughs, breathing deeply, hand on his chest. Namjoon winces, like he’s sorry. Why would he say that while Yoongi is mid-sip? What kind of maniac does that? “That—congrats, seriously. That’s amazing.”

A bashful smile crawls up Namjoon’s face. The one that makes his dimples pop out, and Yoongi couldn’t be more proud of him. Namjoon and Jiyeon were always the better suited individuals for hosting, and knowing him since he nearly ran Jungkook over in the courtyard, has really made Yoongi grow to love him as a friend.

“I’m proud of you,” Yoongi finally adds, offering his words with a small smile. “I hope you know that.”

“Ah, hyung,” Namjoon says, narrowing his eyes, even as his smile grows wider. “Don’t say those things. It makes you seem soft.’

“I can take it back if you want,” Yoongi suggests, tilting his head with a slight eyebrow raise, continuing in monotone, “I’m not proud of you at all, Namjoon-ah. I’m actually super bitter that you got the morning slot over me.”

Namjoon blinks. “You could at least pretend to be serious?”

“What do you mean?” Yoongi gestures to his face. “I’m totally serious.”

“Yeah, right—”

Yoongi’s phone vibrates, and his attention to Namjoon flies out the window. He spins his chair away from Namjoon and brings his phone near his face, ashamed of the way his heart races at the sight of Jungkook’s text message. It’s been so easy to fall back into their old ways.

Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

landed :)
it’s so cold in New York
wish you could be here, hyung
14:22

Yah, you can’t go around saying that sappy shit.
Wish I was there too, though.
14:23

that was the fastest you’ve ever replied
hyung wasn’t waiting for it, right?
14:25

Damn, Jungkook is good. How did he figure that out?

I did no such thing.
I don’t wait for cute boys to text me.
14:26

I’m a cute boy?
hyuuuung~ you’re so sweet
14:27

I’ve never been to New York.
Tell me what it’s like.
14:28

it’s pretty
it makes me miss you
I always miss you in pretty places
14:30

How does Jungkook just say these things? Yoongi is seriously going to have to talk to him about how cheesy some of the shit he says is. Because it never fails to make Yoongi sweat and blush, so it’s becoming a problem. Especially because Namjoon and Hoseok will notice those reactions.

Hey, you survived five years. What’s a few more days?
14:31

that’s true
but now that we’re on like, good terms
I want to be with you :(
14:32

Cute.
Stay warm, angel.
14:33

you too hyumg!
14:35

Yoongi gets back to work after that, but Jungkook doesn’t leave his mind. He finds himself spinning Jungkook’s songs during Night Town, mostly because he wants to familiarize himself with Jungkook’s music, but he also kind of misses Jungkook. Yoongi spent so much time with him these last couple weeks, that him being on the other side of the world is strange.

So, the next few days are like that: Yoongi thinking about Jungkook nonstop, listening to his music, watching his content, texting him. It’s just Jungkook Jungkook Jungkook all around him, and Yoongi is overwhelmed by it.

Suddenly, Yoongi notices Jungkook popping up pretty much everywhere in his life. He’s on the bottled coffee Yoongi buys from the convenience stores when he’s too lazy to make it at home. His face is plastered on the side of a bus when Yoongi is stuck in traffic on the way to work. His music filters through the speakers at the station at every hour.

When Jungkook returns from New York that weekend, Yoongi finds himself on Twitter, scrolling through fanposts about his arrival back to Korea. Pictures of Jungkook at the airport, smiling and making hearts. There’s a video of him just walking, and Yoongi realizes how deep he’s sinking into Jungkook again when he realizes he’s smiling the entire time watching it.

Keys climbs onto Yoongi’s chest and pushes his phone out of his hands.

“Hey,” Yoongi mumbles, when his phone falls onto his mattress. Keys has her claws out, attaching herself to his sleep shirt. “You’re not being very nice, baby.”

Of course, Keys is a cat and doesn’t know how to speak, but the amount of attitude in the look she gives Yoongi makes him wonder if she can understand him.

“You, of everyone, need to learn to like Jungkook,” he says, lifting her off his chest, turning onto his side. Keys settles down again, flicking her tail for a moment, then curving it around her body. “Hoseok already doesn’t like him. And I don’t know if anyone else would be supportive or understand this.”

Keys begins licking between her claws.

“What if he doesn’t like you, Keys?” Yoongi closes his eyes, resting his hand on her body. “I’ll seriously be so conflicted. I mean, he’s always liked animals, but mostly dogs. He’s such a dog person.” He envisions Keys and Jungkook sitting together and his heart feels funny at the though. “I don’t even think he knows I have a cat.”

Yoongi rolls over to pick up his phone. This is so important. How could he forget to give Jungkook this life-changing piece of information?

Saturday, October 29th, 2022

Hey, I forgot to tell you something.
Also, welcome back. I saw you landed in Korea.
08:24

hyuuuung~ I was going to text you when I got home
what do you need to tell me?
wait, is it important?
08:27

Um yes.
Life altering.
I have a cat. Her name is Keys.
08:28

Yoongi does not expect Jungkook to video call immediately. He barely just woke up, god, and now Jungkook wants to see him on video?

In a flurry of panic, Yoongi fixes his hair and shirt, then slides to answer. Jungkook’s face shows up on his screen. He’s sitting in a moving car, reclined in his seat—it’s strange to see him so directly after perusing through his airport pictures a few minutes ago. Yoongi wonders if those types of things bother him.

“Show me,” Jungkook says, without even saying hello. Yoongi simply flips the camera to face Keys, still resting peacefully on his bed. “Oh my god. She’s beautiful.”

“I know, right?” Yoongi scratches the top of her head with his free hand, grinning when he feels the vibration of her purrs. She always loves head and chin scratches the most. Sometimes belly rubs if she’s in the mood.

“How long have you had her, hyung?” Jungkook asks, and Yoongi keeps the camera on Keys because he doesn’t want Jungkook to see how horrendous he looks right now. Next time Yoongi sees him, it’s absolutely going to be when he’s awake enough to have his hair combed.

Yoongi plays with the fold of Keys’ ear and says, “A couple of years. My mental health was really bad and… my friends suggested that if I got a pet, then I could have something to support and look forward to. Dogs are even more high maintenance, even though they’re cute,” Jungkook scoffs at that, “so I settled for a cat. And well, now I have Keys.”

“Keys,” Jungkook repeats, and it makes her head lift a little. She knows her own name. It’s so adorable that Yoongi’s heart hurts. “What a funny name, hyung. How’d you choose that?”

“She’s black and white.” Yoongi strokes her back gently and she settles again. She’s mostly white, actually, but the black patches of fur around her body reminded him of a piano as soon as they met. “She’s like piano keys.”

“Ah, of course,” Jungkook says, laughing, head tilted against the seat. Yoongi makes the mistake of looking at his phone again; Jungkook’s smile and laugh are shining through the screen. He looks directly into the camera and runs his hand through his hair. “You’re so cute, hyung. I can’t wait to meet her. Soon, I hope.”

Yoongi’s brain can’t process the idea of Jungkook in his apartment. That night when he was drunk beyond function, he couldn’t remember the details of Jungkook leaving him on the couch. If he hadn’t seen Keys that night, she must have been hiding away in Yoongi’s bedroom. Sometimes she’s shy around new people, so he’s not too surprised.

“Sure,” Yoongi says quietly, brushing his hand under Keys’ chin. Jungkook is now pouting at the screen, and Yoongi thinks he knows why. “By the way, I woke up like forty minutes ago, so I still look like shit. Which is why you are looking at my cat and not me.”

“But I miss your face.”

“Cute. But that’s not going to work.” Yoongi squishes Keys’ face between his thumb and the rest of his fingers. “We’ll try to plan something. Um, I’m not… really sure if you can meet her soon since Hoseok is here more than I am, but I’ll try to figure something out.”

Jungkook sighs. “You know, I don’t understand why he’s so, like, hostile with me. The few times I met him back then, he was so nice,” he says, sounding troubled.

Yoongi feels guilty for that. The reason Hoseok doesn’t like Jungkook is because everyone thought he was a dirty cheater for the longest time. Yoongi didn’t exactly explain why Jungkook isn’t, because he’s selfish, and wants Jungkook all to himself right now.

They spent five years apart. Is it truly selfish to not want his friends to ruin this?

“I’ll try to fix it soon,” Yoongi says, even if he dreads the idea of sitting down with each of his four best friends and telling them that he’s kind of seeing his ex-boyfriend again. Jungkook smiles, bright, and Yoongi knows he has to make good on this promise. “You should go. Get some rest. I’ll text you, okay?”

“Mkay, hyung, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye, Jungkook-ah.”

Yoongi hangs up and falls face first into his pillows. How is he going to tell everyone about Jungkook?

++

He starts off easy with Namjoon.

They’re sitting in their office on a quiet morning, when Yoongi gets the idea to tell him. It’s risky because Namjoon and Hoseok are just as close to each other, as Yoongi is with the both of them, but if he explains this right, then Namjoon will respect that Yoongi wants to share this information on his own.

Namjoon has always been a trustworthy friend like that. He and Yoongi have spilled dozens of secrets in their years of friendship, especially after drinking so much alcohol together. You’re truly bonded when you see each other the worse for wear.

They even lived together for a short period of time, when Namjoon couldn’t find a place to live after he graduated university. He slept on Yoongi and Hoseok’s couch for a couple months, and the three of them became closer than ever. Yoongi couldn’t ask for a more concrete friendship.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” Yoongi asks, shutting the door after returning from the break room. It might not be smart, given how Yoongi reacted last time the door was closed, but he’s feeling more relaxed today. Namjoon is scrolling through his phone at his desk, which just means he’s not busy. “It’s something serious.”

“Uh, okay,” Namjoon says, placing his phone face down, rotating his chair towards Yoongi, as he sits at his own desk. He smiles, small and encouraging. “What’s up?”

Unsure of how to actually say it, Yoongi fiddles with his fingers and stays silent. He could just be straightforward, or he could ease Namjoon into the idea. Either option is fine, Namjoon would be willing to hear him out regardless. Only with Hoseok, does Yoongi need to be gentle about it.

“I’m, uh, I’m kind of seeing Jungkook again. I was totally bullshitting you the other day. And don’t tell anyone, even Hoseok. I want to tell him myself,” Yoongi says, nodding, hoping that’s good enough. He turns back to his monitor, feeling mostly indifferent. “Yeah, that’s all. Good talk.”

“Okay, what do you mean you’re seeing Jungkook again?” Namjoon asks, waving his hands in the air, reeling Yoongi back. “You can’t just drop a bomb like that and not explain how it happened. Didn’t he, like, cheat on you? I was only being nice to him because this was a work thing.”

Yoongi sighs. That’s definitely like Namjoon; prying into each detail so he can analyze the entire situation. So critical.

“Remember when I dragged Jungkook in here on the last day of his special,” Yoongi starts, still facing towards his desk. If he can’t see Namjoon’s face, then he doesn’t have to deal with that aspect of his reaction. “I confronted him about it. He fucking—wrote a song about me, and I thought that was so fucked up because I thought he cheated on me.”

“Yeah… wait, what? You ‘thought’ he cheated on you?” Namjoon sounds confused now, which is fair, Yoongi hasn’t shared the whole story yet. “Past tense?”

Yoongi cracks his knuckles. “Past tense,” he confirms, glancing at Namjoon to see his eyebrows raised. Yoongi looks back at his desktop. “He didn’t, Namjoon-ah. There was this whole thing that happened. He had proof of it and everything. He didn’t cheat on me, Namjoon, and I don’t want to waste how good our relationship was.”

At first, Namjoon doesn’t say anything. Yoongi counts his breaths, yet again wishing he didn’t close the door. It feels like a furnace.

“And what do you mean you’re seeing him?” Namjoon asks after a minute or so, sounding less confused now. Yoong is grateful he’s understanding this. “Like, are you… sleeping with him? I mean, not that doing that is bad, I’m just trying to understand.”

“No, no. Just… I don’t really know,” Yoongi realizes, stumped. He and Jungkook have just been talking, kind of like when they first started dating. It’s obvious that Jungkook missed him the same way Yoongi had, so it feels like they’re on the same page about that. Jungkook wouldn’t have written The one I lost if he didn’t. “I think… it’s like a talking stage?”

“You’re just talking?” Namjoon asks, having gone from confused to disbelieving in a matter of a couple of minutes. Yoongi smiles a little, trying not to laugh. “Like, you haven’t even kissed him?”

“No?” Yoongi looks up at Namjoon, giving into the urge to laugh. “Why’s that so shocking?”

Namjoon shakes his head. “Hyung, you’re so much stronger than me. I can’t objectively deny that Jungkook hasn’t gotten really hot over the last five years,” he says, and Yoongi raises his eyebrows. That’s interesting. “But if I were you, and Jungkook was my ex, I would have definitely slept with him by now.”

“I don’t… really want to?” Yoongi shrugs, scratching the back of his head. He hasn’t thought much about sleeping with Jungkook. Kissing, yeah, Yoongi really liked kissing Jungkook, but he’s working himself up to that. He doesn’t want to rush. “We never really… focused on sex.”

“But you always, you know,” Namjoon gestures to his neck, “had hickeys and stuff.”

“Do hickeys automatically mean sex to you?”

“Never mind. Clearly I’m wrong. I’m happy for you hyung.”

Yoongi’s satisfied with that response. But now he has to tell Jiyeon and Seokjin. And Seokjin does everything that Jiyeon says, since they’re married and practically share the same brain, so he’s skeptical on how that will go down.

On the following night, Yoongi heads to their house after finishing the Night Show. He hasn’t actually seen Jiyeon since that morning she went into labor, so he’s excited to meet the baby girl. He even bought her an outfit, courtesy of his mother’s choices.

“She’s so cute,” Yoongi coos when Jiyeon lays her in his arms, unable to resist smiling. He looks down at baby Kim Haeun, her little hands reaching up to touch him. She’s already grown a bit in the last few weeks. “Jiyeon-ah, I can’t believe you have two now.”

“I know,” Jiyeon replies, reaching over to pinch Haeun’s cheek. “And to think we want more in the future. Working Night Town is gonna suck now.”

Yoongi strokes the wisps of hair on Haeun’s head. “Does Haeil like her, or is he kinda annoyed that your attention is elsewhere?”

“Yoongi-yah, Haeil loves her,” Seokjin says, joining Jiyeon on the couch, sitting behind her, arm immediately sliding around her hips. He looks exhausted, the same as when they had Haeil, but happy, too. “He’s obsessed with her, it’s adorable.”

“I get why,” Yoongi says, scrunching up his nose and pressing his lips to little Haeun’s forehead. He hands her back to Jiyeon, watching the smile spread across her face. “She reminds me of how little Keys was when I first got her.”

“Right? That’s how I feel too,” Jiyeon says, making faces at Haeun to see her tiny smile. “I can’t wait to bring Haeun over when she’s older, oh my god. I think Keys will love her.”

Yoongi nods in agreement, watching Jiyeon get up to put Haeun to sleep. Seokjin falls back against the couch, draping his arm across his forehead. “How’s the restaurant?” Yoongi asks, leaning back against the arm of the couch too, making himself comfortable. “You must be busy.”

“We’re good. My guys are supportive of how little I’m actually there, but I still feel like I’m doing a shit ton here,” Seokjin replies, using his hand to gesture vaguely to the corner of the room. Yoongi follows the movement to the laptop and papers on the desk. “I’m loving this, though. I feel like I’m actually helping Jiyeon this time.”

“Your guys’ parents are still coming down?”

“Every weekend, yeah. Jiyeon had to kick both of them out because there just wasn’t any space. She was really irritable the last couple of weeks.”

Yoongi raises an eyebrow, looking up when Jiyeon returns from the nursery, curling up against Seokjin again. “I’m not mad at him for saying that because it’s true,” she says, which clears things up for Yoongi. He was wondering why she hadn’t jabbed back at him for it. “It’s so weird, Yoongi-yah. Being parents of one, and now two children?”

“I just know that those two are going to be bragging about how cool their parents are when they’re older,” Yoongi says, shaking his head. Jiyeon hits Seokjin’s shoulder, giggling about the compliment. “I want to tell you guys something, though. There’s a lot you’ve missed out on.”

“Oh?” Jiyeon raises her eyebrows, looking up at Seokjin, who looks back with equal confusion. Yoongi takes a deep breath to prepare himself. “Do tell. We’re intrigued.”

With another steady inhale, Yoongi says, “Well, it all kind of starts with the special. With… Jungkook.” He glances at his friends to gauge their response, but there isn’t much to work with on their faces. He decides to just keep going. “Obviously I was resentful when I saw him. And I was just, like, appalled that he had the balls to be nice to me.

“And then, on the final day, he sang this song and I realized it was about me. Which I then confronted him about.” He pauses, then adds, “alone, obviously,” when Seokjin opens his mouth to question.

Neither of them say anything. Jiyeon gestures for him to continue.

“So… I basically asked why he would write a song when he cheated on me. And then he said he didn’t, and I didn’t believe him at first. But… he cleared it up with me,” Yoongi continues, losing himself in this rambling flow. He honestly doubts he’ll stop until someone interrupts him. “Like, he explained what happened and it all made sense, and now I’m kind of talking to him again. So yeah.”

The silence is deafening. Yoongi waits two minutes before he says something.

“If you don’t say something now, I’m literally just going to leave.”

“I’m just… stunned?” Seokjin finally says, glancing at Jiyeon, then back at Yoongi. Yoongi wasn’t expecting a reaction like this. “I mean, everyone just assumed you were done with Jungkook. What did he even say to win you back?”

Yoongi scrunches his nose at the phrasing. He’s not a prize to win. “It’s complicated, but just know that I believe him. And don’t try changing my mind.”

“Has… someone tried changing your mind? Because we support you,” Jiyeon says, reaching over to rub Yoongi’s knee sympathetically. Yoongi frowns down at her hand; he’s not sure if he really wants to be comforted about this.

“Hoseok,” Yoongi says. Jiyeon and Seokjin look at each other like, of course, then back to Yoongi. “I get he’s trying to protect me, but… there isn’t anything to protect me from anymore? Jungkook is a good person. He always was, there was just a misunderstanding.”

Jiyeon retracts her hand, clearly contemplating everything Yoongi just blurted out at them. Now that he’s considering it, he didn’t explain all this to Hoseok, but Hoseok also wasn’t willing to hear him out. The tension hasn’t improved in any capacity the last week or so, either, so Yoongi doesn’t even feel like telling him.

“Be patient with him,” Seokjin says. “You know how stubborn Hoseok can be sometimes. Wait it out.”

Yoongi isn’t so sure about that, but he’ll take it.

“And you guys are okay with this?” Yoongi double checks, just to be completely sure. The last thing he wants is for them to not support him either, and he has to deal with more issues with his friendships.

“Of course, Yoongi-yah, I trust your judgment,” Jiyeon says, as Seokjin nods along. Yoongi lets his shoulders fall. Ah, what a relief. “You’re smart. I know that you’re not going into this blind. And if you, who actually dated Jungkook, trust him, then I do too by default. I wish I had met him.”

“I’m sure there’ll be another chance to,” Yoongi says softly, running his hand through his hair. “But thank you guys. I’ve just been… so wound up about this. I’m actually telling you for such a dumb reason, but Jungkook wants to meet Keys, and I can’t have him over if Hoseok is there.”

Seokjin’s eyes light up. “He owes Haeun a visit. He hasn’t come over to meet her yet,” he says, nudging Jiyeon’s ribs, while she’s nodding off on his shoulder. “I can call him over and keep him here for a couple hours, at best. How’s that sound?”

It’s actually a solid idea. As long as Hoseok isn’t there, then Yoongi can invite Jungkook over for a little bit. If their schedules line up, then it could work.

“I’ll have to check with Jungkook,” Yoongi says, fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt. He smiles a little when Seokjin yawns, eyes fluttering as he rests his head on top of Jiyeon’s. They both look ready to knock out. “Go to bed, guys. I’ll let you rest.”

“Mkay. Bye, Yoongi-yah,” Jiyeon murmurs. “Come back soon.”

Yoongi leaves after helping them both to their bedroom and quickly cleaning in the kitchen. He returns to his own quiet apartment, greeted by Keys rubbing his ankles, sitting by her bowl to feed her. Hoseok comes out of his room to get something, but doesn’t say anything, and Yoongi feels hopeless and awful as he watches.

Being this distant from Hoseok sucks. They’ve fought times before; they’re roommates, it’s bound to happen, but it’s never been as bad as this. Seokjin was right about Hoseok being stubborn, but it was justified before. Now, Yoongi just thinks he’s being uselessly petty. He’s not helping anyone with his attitude.

“Hoseok-ah,” Yoongi calls, still sitting on the floor with Keys trying to climb him. Hoseok stops from where he’s filling up his water bottle; he seems exhausted. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I know how much Jungkook hurt you,” Hoseok says, screwing the lid of his water bottle. He huffs, then laughs, and it makes Yoongi feel inexplicably small. He hates this. He can’t reach Hoseok like this. “And if he hurts you again, then I warned you.”

“That’s very pessimistic of you,” Yoongi replies, sniffling, the burn of tears against his eyes. Keys meows and paws at his chest, probably sensing that something is wrong. “And like I said before, I just want you to support me. I’m doing this because I want to, not because he manipulated me.”

Hoseok scoffs and walks away, the conversation left unfinished. Yoongi cries because he loves Hoseok, and wants to relearn how to be happy with Jungkook, but the two are clashing so much that right now, it all seems impossible.

++

It’s a Thursday when Jungkook shows up at work again. He did warn Yoongi this time, but only gave him ten minutes to prepare. Night Town is still running when Jungkook shows up and slides into the sound booth, mischievous eyes finding Yoongi’s alarmed ones.

Yoongi manages a smile. He’s forcing himself to become more accustomed to Jungkook’s presence. It isn’t easy, by any means. Sometimes when Jungkook sends him a message, Yoongi will fail to remember that Jungkook explained himself, and think why is he texting me?

That’s why Yoongi is thrown for a loop when he sees Jungkook. He has ten minutes until he can go home, and it’s late, and Yoongi is tired. But Jungkook smiles at him, and it’s okay. Yoongi knows he’ll be happier to have seen Jungkook, even for a short amount of time. Maybe they can eat something at a convenience store before they part ways.

“You’re lucky no one’s around,” Yoongi says, packing up his belongings from his desk, Jungkook lingering in the doorway. He looks comfortable, wearing a matching set sweatsuit, hood pulled on, hair fluffed up. Yoongi kind of wants to kiss him. “You, uh, came on your own?”

“Got dropped again,” Jungkook replies, moving out of the doorway when Yoongi exits the office, shutting the door behind them. He pauses to look at Jungkook’s sunkissed skin. It looks so soft. “Sorry about the late notice, by the way. It was a last minute decision.”

“Mm. Figured, but it’s fine. Are you hungry?”

Jungkook huffs out a laugh, bumping into Yoongi’s shoulder from behind, then falling into step with him. Yoongi glances up, matches Jungkook’s smile, then looks down again. Did Jungkook always look at him like that? So—so forward and almost lovingly. Yoongi feels a shiver run down his spine.

“I’m always hungry,” Jungkook says when they reach the elevator, grinning cheekily. Yoongi presses the button and shoves his hands into his pockets. “What’re you craving?”

Yoongi shrugs. “I was honestly just going to go to 7/11 for some ramen.”

“Oh!” Jungkook’s face lights up. “I love that idea.”

Instead of a restaurant, Yoongi drives them to the 7/11 near his apartment. Jungkook is quiet when they’re inside the store, browsing the selection, a mask shielding half his face again. Yoongi goes ahead and purchases his own food, sitting at a table to watch Jungkook struggle through this apparently very difficult decision.

“Hyung, which brand?” Jungkook asks, holding up three different boxes of ramen. Yoongi just raises his eyebrows and points to the largest one. Whatever will fill Jungkook’s stomach the most is obviously the better option.

Yoongi is nearly done with his food when Jungkook sits down across from him, stirring his noodles, a carton of banana milk with a straw sitting across from him. Yoongi smiles and picks it up, shaking it from side-to-side, then asks, “You seriously still like these?”

“I’m very serious about banana milk, thank you very much,” Jungkook says, taking back the carton protectively, pouting around the straw. If they weren’t in public, Yoongi would probably try to kiss him right now. “I bet you’re still obsessed with lamb skewers, aren’t you?”

“Yah, that was two sided,” Yoongi whines, because he clearly remembers the times where Jungkook insisted they eat lamb together. They would go at least once a month, if not more. “You’re telling me if I put lamb skewers in front of you right now, then you wouldn’t eat them?”

“Uh—of course not.” Jungkook laughs nervously, then shoves his noodles into his mouth, slurping them up. Yoongi eyes him suspiciously; Jungkook has never been a great liar. “Don’t look at me like that! I wouldn’t.”

Yoongi shrugs. “I’m not looking at you a certain way,” he says, taking a sip of Jungkook’s milk. In all honesty, he was looking at Jungkook and thinking about kissing him (again). He’s spiraling a lot faster than he expected; he thought he’d have a couple more weeks before he would start thinking like this. “Anyway, what’s—uh—what was your week like?”

“Busy. Lots more interviews, variety shows. Magazine shoots, commercial stuff. Dance practices. Um…” Jungkook trails off, pushing aside his empty bowl of ramen. Yoongi stacks it on his own, placing his chin in his hand, watching attentively. He notices that Jungkook still touches his ears when he’s nervous. “Oh! Obviously preparing for my debut anniversary.”

“Right. It’s in a couple weeks, right?” Yoongi asks—he thinks the date is the ninth of November, but he could be wrong. “By the way, I’m asking as a… non-interviewer this time, but are you touring for this album?”

Jungkook pulls his mask back over his mouth, but Yoongi catches a glimpse of his smile before it’s hidden. “I am, but it starts next year. I’m… really excited. I’ve planned a lot of cool stuff for the performances,” he says, voice buzzing with eagerness. Yoongi smiles, just hearing that. He likes that after working so hard, Jungkook is happy with where he is. “Hyung! I can totally get you a ticket to the Seoul show.”

“Ah, you don’t—”

“No, hyung, really.” Jungkook reaches over the table to pull on Yoongi’s sleeve, a pleading, innocent look in his eyes. Yoongi imagines he’s pouting and scrunching his nose under his mask—and he’s very weak for Jungkook, so he’s already tempted to give in. “I think you would really enjoy it.”

Yoongi smiles again, more hesitant this time. He settles on saying, “I’ll see,” because he doesn’t want to get Jungkook’s hopes up. The show is probably a few months away, and Yoongi still isn’t one-hundred percent positive that he’s going to keep Jungkook a constant in his life. Of course, he’s beginning to feel something for Jungkook again, but the line between just being lonely and actually wanting to date him again is very blurry.

“Should we go outside?” Jungkook suggests, and picks up their trash to dispose of it. “That park we went to the other day is around here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I could use a walk,” Yoongi says—even though he never walks—and pushes the door open to let Jungkook leave first.

They walk in silence.

Yoongi’s elbow and shoulder bumps against Jungkook’s side every-so-often, a sense of calm falling between them. The park isn’t that large, so once they do a lap around the perimeter, Jungkook falls to sit on the grassy area. Yoongi lingers at first, unsure if he should join him, but figures that’s no harm.

“Do you remember when we first met?” Jungkook asks, leaning his weight on Yoongi’s arm for a second. There’s a small smile on his face that warms Yoongi’s chest. “It was so long ago.”

“You were such a little brat,” Yoongi replies, recalling the moment. Jungkook came into the part-time serving job Yoongi had, using a very poorly executed flirtation method to get a discount on his food, claiming he was a “broke first-year university student.” Yoongi was half-amused, half-unamused, then took pity on him and split the bill. “The fact that you came back and paid me back was what really got me, though.”

Jungkook shrugs. “I was a pretty good fake-university student, right?”

Yoongi tilts his head back and laughs. He had his doubts from the beginning, but Jungkook only confessed the truth after they shared their first kiss. “You didn’t even carry around a bag,” he says, meeting Jungkook’s bright eyes in the darkness. Yet again, Yoongi’s gaze falls to Jungkook’s mouth. “You weren’t fooling me that well.”

“You know, I only went in there because I thought you were cute,” Jungkook says, giggling—Yoongi remembers thinking that Jungkook was cute, too. He had a wide-eyed, innocent face, a sweet smile. Yoongi was gone for him just within a couple months. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“Somehow.”

“Hey.”

“What made you stick around?”

Jungkook seems stumped at that question, so he falls quiet. Yoongi already knows his own answer.

He thinks it was definitely Jungkook’s eyes, and his voice. Even before Yoongi knew he was a trainee, he would still hum and sing often enough that it caught Yoongi’s attention. But then he got to know who was underneath that; the kind boy, relentlessly in-love with music, aching to make his debut. That was the person Yoongi fell for.

“You had a nice smile,” Jungkook says, letting out a sigh. He lifts his chin to look at the sky, leaning back on his palms. Yoongi does the same, eyebrows furrowed at the clouds. It might finally rain tonight. “You were caring, too. There I was, trying to convince you to give me food for free and you just—paid half, for whatever reason.

“And then it was like, whenever I came back, you always smiled at me. Then you left your number on that receipt, and I was like, ‘wow, this guy seems to like me,’ and… I don’t know. I had been living here for four years, but you were the first person to make me feel less lonely.”

Yoongi’s hands are curled into fists around the blades of grass. He can’t fathom that; he was barely afloat when they met, struggling through university, hanging on by a thread. And when Jungkook came in, it felt like something else he could hold onto to stay above water. It was Jungkook who made Yoongi feel less lonely.

“It’s funny how there’s so much we don’t know about each other. Who we are now, and even who we were before,” Yoongi says, sitting with his knees close to his chest. He puts his arms around them, feeling small.

“It is,” Jungkook says, sighing loudly again. “But, hyung. I want to get to know each other again.”

And Yoongi does too, but he’s terrified of what admitting that could bring for them, so all he does is put his head on Jungkook’s shoulder and hope that speaks for him.

The silence shrouds them momentarily, until raindrops begin falling on top of their heads. Jungkook swears under his breath when they both realize and gets to his feet, pulling Yoongi up too. The rain quickens, pounding against the concrete. Jungkook snags Yoongi’s hand, cold and wet, pulling him away. Yoongi tugs his hood over his hair, following Jungkook back towards his car.

Once they’re safely inside, Yoongi cranks up the heater and stares out the windshield. Rain seems funny to him, in a time like this. How it arrived while talking about the trifles of the past, as if to wash away their history. As if mother nature herself is telling them, yes, please, start anew.

“I’ll take you home,” Yoongi says, shifting out of park to drive away. As he goes, the rain lessens, and he ignores the heat on his cheeks caused by the way Jungkook won’t stop watching him.

When Yoongi drops Jungkook off, he leaves with a gentle smile and a promise to give more warning next time he wants to come visit. Yoongi drives home, blissed out by the feeling he gets when he’s around Jungkook. It could last forever.

But it doesn’t.

The feeling fades when he gets home, greeted by Hoseok in the living room, paying Yoongi no mind. They’ve been at this for a couple of weeks now, and Yoongi is tired. He wants his best friend back. He wants the guy who’ll support him wholeheartedly. Not this stone-cold Hoseok, who won’t even say hello to him.

“Hi Keys,” Yoongi coos once he’s out of his wet clothes, sitting on his knees beside the window sill. She’s perched on top, staring longingly out the window with her favorite toy plush between her paws. He thinks it’s the rain. “I missed you baby, did you miss me too?”

For a moment, Yoongi wonders if Hoseok will say anything to him.

Instead, he hears Hoseok shut his laptop, and he waits for a minute, then Hoseok simply returns to his bedroom. Yoongi sighs, disappointed. How much longer will this go on?

“I think since Hoseokie and I are still arguing I might take you to Jungkook’s apartment,” Yoongi goes on to say, bringing her from the window sill and into his lap, letting her curl up against his stomach. Her claws are digging into her toy, holding it tight. “Don’t you think he’s being a little mean about this?” He pets Keys’ head. “Jungkook is a good person.”

Keys, obviously, doesn’t respond. Yoongi wonders how he would react if one day she did.

“You probably wouldn’t want to be in the carrier, though, huh?” Yoongi asks, remembering that the last time he took her to the vet, she clawed his arms until he bled. She hates moving cars; she has since he adopted her as a few-week-old kitten. “Might take Seokjin-hyung and Jiyeon’s offer to invite Hoseok over when I bring Jungkook to meet you.

“Also, I kind of want to date Jungkook again,” Yoongi confesses, quiet, unsure if Hoseok is listening. He doesn’t want to face the response, and the negativity. As much as he wishes he had Hoseok’s approval, he doesn’t need it. “He’s so wonderful, Keys. He makes me feel so warm. He makes me feel like I’m twenty-three again, every single time.”

“He really makes you feel that way?”

At the sound of Hoseok’s voice, Yoongi’s blood runs cold. He knew it was risky, talking aloud in the middle of the living room, but he hoped that Hoseok was in his bedroom.

Yet, still, Yoongi says, “He does,” because he desperately wants Hoseok to understand that Jungkook isn’t the bad person they alway thought he was. “Hoseok-ah, he was forced to do those things, okay? He didn’t mean to hurt me. He was hurt too. I want you to understand that.”

“Your history aside,” Hoseok says, voice getting louder as he draws nearer. Yoongi sucks in a sharp breath while Hoseok sits on his knees beside him, running his hand through Keys’ fur. He looks drained, up close—Yoongi can’t imagine this rift is good for either of them. “I still think it’s a bad idea to get involved with him.”

“Why?”

“He is an idol, hyung. Idols have certain images to upkeep. He will say things, publically, that might hurt you in the end.”

That’s a terrible excuse, in Yoongi’s opinion. He knew the risks of dating an idol when he was dating a trainee five years ago. He understands that Jungkook may have to say he’s single, or that he’s straight, and that doesn’t bother Yoongi as much as it used to. He just hopes Jungkook won’t abuse his trust again.

Yoongi leans back on his palms, watching Hoseok continue to pet Keys. “I just—want a chance to feel happy again,” he says softly, pressing his lips together, afraid to be admitting that out loud. “I loved him once, Hoba. Don’t you think that everyone deserves to be loved by someone?”

“The entire country loves him,” Hoseok responds, glancing up to meet Yoongi’s eyes, but they both know that isn’t what Yoongi is talking about. How could the love of millions of adoring fans compare to the love given by a partner, a lover? “What about you, huh? Don’t you deserve to be loved?”

“I think… that Jungkook can love me again, too,” Yoongi whispers, watching as Keys stretches in his lap, then pads over to her water bowl. “I deserve it, Hoseok-ah. That’s why I’m doing this. You of all people should know that I wouldn’t do something unless I absolutely wanted to. I get that you’re worried. I appreciate that, but—please. Trust me here.”

Hoseok sighs and leans over, until his body weight is perched against Yoongi’s shoulder. Yoongi gently pats the side of Hoseok’s head, trying to soothe him, to reassure him that he’ll be okay regardless of what might end up happening. He missed feeling close to Hoseok, so much that his heart hurts.

“Okay,” Hoseok whispers. “I want to trust you. But you’ll have to give me some time, okay?”

“Of course.” Yoongi’s hands find one of Hoseok’s, cradling it, rubbing the inside of his palm with his thumb. “I just want your support. That’s all I’m asking for.”

After a brief moment of silence, Hoseok says, “I’ll tell you when I’m ready to give it unconditionally.”

++

Sunday afternoon, on Jungkook’s only few hours free that day, Hoseok agrees to leave for the time being, and heads off to Seokjin’s to meet Haeun for the first time. Yoongi spends the morning running around the apartment, tidying everything up for when Jungkook comes over. He even gives Keys a bath—she loves the warm water—so she’s nice and clean for him to meet.

Yoongi takes a shower, too. He’s nervous about having Jungkook in his space again. It’s something he’s always felt protective over, too hesitant of allowing someone in when he doesn’t trust them enough. When he met Hoseok in university, he probably seemed a little weird by how stingy he was about his side of their dorm.

With Jungkook, it’s a bit different. He’s someone that Yoongi has had in his environment before, so it’s easier to know what to expect. Plus, he’s been to Jungkook’s place already, and knows that he’s trustworthy in keeping his area clean. Jungkook should also know how Yoongi is about these kinds of things, which is a bonus he doesn’t always get with new people.

After his shower, Yoongi nearly cries out of frustration when he’s getting dressed. All his clothes feel too uncomfortable and wrong, leaving very little breathing room. Eventually, after pacing the length of his bedroom with Keys at his heels, he decides on a worn-out hoodie and loose, faded jeans.

“Okay. I look good, right?” Yoongi asks Keys, staring at himself in the mirror, playing with pieces of his hair, trying to style it. Keys is standing on the bathroom counter, nose practically glued to the mirror. “Please, give me a sign that this is,” the buzzer echoes the kitchen, “fuck, nevermind.”

Yoongi leaves the bathroom, breathing deeply. He knows what to expect, but there’s still anxiety sitting in his chest as he lets Jungkook come up. He double checks that he has food, in case Jungkook is hungry, and drinks, in case he’s thirsty instead—and he has a list of Jungkook-worthy movies in case things go horribly wrong.

Then he’s there, knocking on Yoongi’s door. “You got this,” he tells himself in the mirror, before opening the door.

Of course—of fucking course—Jungkook has to look stunning on a Sunday afternoon. His make-up is impeccable, sparkles on his eyelids and purple hair styled out of his face. He’s wearing sweatpants and a jacket with the hood up, and it shouldn’t look as good as it does. It should be fucking illegal to look that good.

“Um,” Yoongi mumbles, still dazed. “You are… wow.”

“Can I come inside?” Jungkook asks, reaching for the mask tucked under his chin, glancing around the hallway. “Or… am I supposed to just stand here, hyung?”

Yoongi clears his throat. “Come in, yeah,” he says, sounding breathless as he lets Jungkook into his apartment. He kicks himself for it. It’s only been a couple of days since they saw each other, he shouldn’t sound so affected. “Um… Keys should be around here somewhere…”

Jungkook leans against the wall, pushing off his shoes, glancing around the foyer and kitchen. “It’s nice, hyung,” he says, jutting his chin out to gesture to the place as a whole. “I’m excited to meet your cat.”

“Oh, here she comes,” Yoongi says, immediately squatting down to pet her body. She walks past him, and eyes Jungkook warily. He holds his breath, nervous to see what she’ll do as she sniffs Jungkook’s outstretched hand.

Instead of letting him pet her, she jumps on his forearm with her claws out, latching onto his jacket sleeve. Jungkook makes this weird yelp-shout noise in the back of his throat, then says, “Ow,” while Yoongi lifts Keys off of him. This is the first time she’s ever done this. At least when meeting someone for the first time.

“I’m so sorry—what the fuck is wrong with you,” he says, holding her away from Jungkook while she hisses at him. He pushes Keys back towards the living room, where she struts back to her bed as if she didn’t just attack someone. “God. I don’t know why she did that. I’m sorry, Jungkook-ah.”

“It’s okay…” Jungkook says, but he sounds so disappointed. His pout is so cute, Yoongi can’t help but smile as he reaches to check his arm. “Oh wow, that looks a lot worse than it feels.”

There are a handful of claw marks on his forearm—the one without tattoos—with the deeper ones dripping with blood. Yoongi winces at the sight of them. As someone who has gotten scratched and bitten by Keys dozens of times, he knows how much that probably will hurt.

“Come on. We can clean and bandage it,” Yoongi says, helping Jungkook up, not letting go while leading him into the bathroom. It’s Jungkook who pulls away first, to sit on the counter and push his jacket off his shoulders. There’s a tank-top underneath, and that is not fair.

Yoongi resolutely ignores the sight of Jungkook’s sleeve of tattoos and takes out rubbing alcohol and cotton pads, grasping Jungkook’s wrist in one hand. “It’ll sting,” he mumbles, not daring to see Jungkook’s reaction as he swipes over the scratches.

Jungkook goes tense at first, then relaxes as Yoongi disinfects it completely. He’s actually calm about the whole thing. Hoseok screamed the first time Keys accidentally scratched him, so compared to that, Jungkook is taking this surprisingly well.

“Sorry again,” Yoongi says, still embarrassed that Keys jumped on Jungkook like that. Clearly there’s something about him that she doesn’t like, but he’s determined to fix that. “She’s normally very chill.”

“I’ve never been good with cats,” Jungkook sighs, using his tattooed hand to tuck some hair behind Yoongi’s ear. Which kind of makes Yoongi fumble with the bandage wrapper, pressing half of it against his own palm. His damn nerves. “Even though you’re kinda like a cat, and I’m great with you.”

Yoongi pretends like he hasn’t heard that before and replies, “Are you now?” as he peels off the bandage, fixing it onto Jungkook’s forearm.

“Mhm. I’m a master in Min Yoongi.”

“Sure you are.” Yoongi straightens, and realizes he’s kind of standing between Jungkook’s knees. Jungkook is sitting on the sink countertop, half-smiling at Yoongi, eyes challenging. “Go on, then. I’d like to see what you know.”

Jungkook hums, pretending to think, then touches Yoongi’s waist to pull him slightly closer. “Min Yoongi likes this, right?” he asks, referring to the hand now resting on Yoongi’s back, and Yoongi just nods—because what the fuck is happening. “And he likes… oh, I recall him liking to listen.”

“Listen?”

“To music. To people.” Jungkook smiles wider, eyes still twinkling with mischief. Yoongi has no idea what he’s rambling on about. “To me, right?”

Yoongi clears his throat and mumbles, “Yeah.” How could he ever deny liking to listen to Jungkook?

“Min Yoongi likes hot coffee only on rainy days,” he says, and—that’s true, mostly, although sometimes he drinks hot coffee in the office now. “He likes to write songs, yeah?”

“Sometimes. Not as much.” Yoongi fiddles with a thread hanging loose on Jungkook’s tank top. “I wish I did more, but I’m busy.”

“He likes grilling meat.”

“Only because you—”

“He likes,” Jungkook pulls him even closer, “me.”

Jungkook’s nose knocks right into the space between Yoongi’s eyebrows. That’s not something Yoongi can deny either.

“Am I right?” Jungkook whispers. He smells like oranges and flowers and maybe home, too. “Hyung.”

“Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi says, matching Jungkook’s whisper, his hands shaking. He doesn’t know how to answer that. “I—I’m so—”

Jungkook shushes him, drawing him into a hug, bringing Yoongi’s face into his shoulder. Yoongi presses himself there, sliding his arms to hold Jungkook back, too overwhelmed. It was too much all at once, and he doesn’t know how, but Jungkook can see that now.

“Sorry,” Jungkook whispers. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Not scared,” Yoongi says, but his voice is muffled by the cloth of Jungkook’s tank top. He pulls back, slowly, trying to regain his confidence. This isn’t what he expected out of this afternoon. “I just didn’t expect it. You—you caught me off guard, is all.”

With the softness of his thumb, Jungkook wipes Yoongi’s face. Yoongi hadn’t even realized he was crying in any way. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, and Yoongi isn’t sure what he’s apologizing for this time. “I feel like I’ll always hurt you, and I’m sorry.”

Oh.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Jungkook says, still holding Yoongi’s face in his ever gentle hands, fear settling into his eyes. Yoongi hates it. He doesn’t want Jungkook to be scared of loving him. “I always—always thought you were gone, for good. That when I lost you, I could never have you again.”

“Jungkook…”

“And then—and then I see you again, five years later, and I realize how badly I’ve hurt you in the past.” There’s so much pain in his voice. It’s tearing Yoongi from the inside-out. “I messed up so much, Yoongi-hyung. And I know you said it’s not my fault, but I feel like it is, and I don’t—I don’t want to lose you again.”

Yoongi lets go of Jungkook completely, hiding his face, feeling his mouth trembling as he tries to say something coherent. As always, Keys is at his feet, rubbing against his feet and ankles, meowing for his attention. She never fails to sense when something is wrong with him, and Yoongi doesn’t know how.

He moves to sit on the floor outside the bathroom, so Keys can crawl into his lap. He leans against the wall, breathing deep and slow through his nose, counting his breaths as usual. Jungkook joins him on the floor, knees to his chest, arms hugging them.

Yoongi rakes his fingers through Keys’ fur as he reigns in his thoughts.

The truth is, he does like Jungkook again. He likes Jungkook so much, as someone he wants to date and be close to. But Yoongi, despite knowing the truths of dating someone like Jungkook, doesn’t feel entirely ready for that reality. It hasn’t sunk in yet. He hasn’t fully grasped that concept.

Something about Jungkook being so afraid hurts so bad. He left a jagged mark on Yoongi’s heart, and he wants to fix it instead of loving Yoongi with it. That’s the difference between them, right now. Maybe he can make Jungkook see that he’s worth loving, in spite of all the hurt he caused.

“I forgive you,” Yoongi says, and Jungkook looks up with his pretty, wide eyes. “That’s what you’re looking for, isn’t it? Forgiveness for what you did.”

Jungkook seems confused for a moment, but as the words sink in, he nods his head.

“Then I forgive you, Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi repeats, letting Keys go over to Jungkook. This time, she doesn’t launch herself at him. She climbs onto his lap and sniffs his hands, then settles against him. “It looks like Keys does too.”

“I’m honestly not sure what I want to give attention to right now,” Jungkook says, staring down at Keys with his hands hovering midair. Laughing, Yoongi reaches over and guides Jungkook’s right hand to rub her head. It’s cute seeing them together. He needs to take a picture of this. “Oh my god, I think my heart is gonna explode. She’s purring—hyung!”

Yoongi takes out his phone while Jungkook freaks out over Keys, taking a couple of pictures, then switching it to a video. Jungkook seems physically pained by how cute Keys is, and honestly, he gets it. He understands completely.

“I love her so much,” Jungkook whines, and Yoongi laughs—because it’s adorable to see the two cutest beings in the world interact with each other. “I don’t even care that she attacked me.”

“Mm. I think she held a grudge against you,” Yoongi says as he switches off the video, scooting closer to only capture pictures of Keys to send to his parents. “We hate-watched your music videos. You know, back when I didn’t like you.”

“You… hate-watched my music videos?” Jungkook asks, mouth agape when Yoongi glances up at him. “That’s a first.”

Yoongi leans down and presses a kiss to the top of Keys’ head and replies, “To be fair, I did think you were a lying, dirty cheater.”

“Jeez, hyung. You don’t need to say it like that, especially when it isn’t true.”

“Just being honest.” Yoongi sits back on his feet, looking up at Jungkook again. They’re both calmer now, more relaxed. He silently thanks Keys for being such a grounding tool. “To answer your question, though, I do. I do like you. More than… more than I thought I could again.”

Jungkook smiles wider and seems satisfied with this answer.

“Did you know I never dated anyone after you?” Yoongi asks, a couple minutes later, still stroking Keys’ head and back. She’s purring louder than she ever has. She’s probably thriving off all this attention. “I didn’t date anyone before you, either. I was always so embarrassed to admit that, so I tried to pretend I knew what I was doing.”

“You were my first boyfriend, too, hyung.” Jungkook repeats the same action from earlier, tucking a piece of Yoongi’s hair behind his ear. “I… tried it a couple of times after. I dated another idol for a while, and that ended up so bad. And then I tried the hook-up thing, which was even worse.”

Yoongi shudders at the idea of hooking-up with someone. He could never do that. But… Jungkook dating another idol? Now that’s interesting.

“Who was it?” Yoongi asks, curious. He’s not upset by it. It’s more because he’s curious to know more about the Jungkook he hasn’t seen. “Is it… someone I know?”

“Uh, just this idol girl. Someone my age. She… was nice and all, but I found out a few months in that she only wanted to date me for my reputation.” Jungkook screws up his nose. Yoongi can’t imagine someone doing that to Jungkook, who is so kind and open-hearted. “I got over it pretty fast since I wasn’t super into her, but it sucked.”

“I’m sorry it sucked,” Yoongi says, because he knows how shitty it can feel when you think someone only wanted you for one thing, or never wanted you at all. “I’d say something like, ‘me too,’ but I think I would hurt your feelings, since my one and only break-up was you.”

Jungkook pouts and frowns, then pokes Yoongi in the ribs. “Let’s not talk about that,” he says, and Yoongi agrees, completely, but he couldn’t miss the opportunity to lighten the mood with a joke. “I’m glad that you forgive me for what I did, though.”

“You’re not a bad guy, Jungkook-ah.” Yoongi sighs, moving his hands away when Keys decides to get up and leave. Instead, he grasps Jungkook’s hands and hopes he can truly, finally get this point across. “You’ve just had bad things happen to you.”

“Can we try this again, hyung?” Jungkook asks, as hope spreads through every inch of Yoongi’s body. “Please, I—I really want to do this properly. I want to make it worth it.”

“I’ll think about it,” Yoongi says, meaning it more than he did with the concert tickets the other day. As Yoongi keeps spending time with Jungkook, he doesn’t think Jungkook is going anywhere anytime soon.

He thinks maybe he was always meant to find Jungkook again. In this life, and maybe the next, too.

++

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2022

Yoongi-hyung
are you still hosting Night Town?
15:36

Hey Jungkook-ah.
No, I’m not. I stopped this week because we got a fill-in.
But there’s rumors that there’s going to be a lot of hosts shuffling around.
Not sure how it’ll work though. Plus there’s a lot of time before Jiyeon comes back.
15:59

I have a couple hours of free time before I have dance practice
since your evenings are open now…. do you want to come see the company building?
you don’t have to! I talked to my manager about you after we found out you were hosting the special and I’m pretty close with him. but he said you can come by since I have this opening in my schedule and honestly they might make you sign some legal stuff but I also just want to see you
16:22

no pressure
16:24

Even if Jungkook is saying, “no pressure,” that does not mean Yoongi’s chest isn’t seizing up at the thought of visiting Jungkook at work. It was one thing for him to come to Yoongi, but for it to become vice-versa, means this is becoming more real. He’s not sure if he can handle it, but he’s been missing Jungkook the last couple of days, too.

No pressure, huh?
Are you sure it’s okay for me to do that? I thought you were supposed to keep personal life and work separate. I don’t want to impede in a space like that.
16:30

well, yeah, but my manager said it was fine and I trust him, so
and like I said, legal stuff
16:31

Legal stuff as in confidentiality or is there something else?
16:32

I mean my manager said that since you work in media, it’s extra risky for me to be seen with you, even if we could play it off as just being friends
it’s more to protect me? a safety precaution, you know? not that I think you’d go around talking about me, but the company doesn’t know that
and I want to show you around the building because it’s super cool and you’re my favorite hyung and you saw the old building I was training in, and this one is so much nicer
16:34

The “you’re my favorite hyung” was very subtle.
Do you even have other hyungs for me to be your favorite? Not that I’m complaining.
16:34

What Jungkook doesn’t need to know is how those words make his blood rush and skin tingle.

yahhh, yoongi-hyung -_- of course you’re my favorite
I have friends! my closest friends are both ‘95 line
you’re definitely better than them
16:36

Okay, okay. Let’s see.
How much time do I have?
16:39

two hours if you make it here by 4
try not to speed because I want you in one piece, but also, hurry up?
please ^-^
16:40

I’m leaving work now.
I’ll text you again when I’m near. :)
16:41

“Hey, I’m leaving,” Yoongi says, getting up while tugging his coat off the back of his chair.

Namjoon swivels to face him, narrowing his eyes. There’s something suspicious in the way he looks at Yoongi. “An hour early?” he asks, and Yoongi shrugs off the question. It’s none of Namjoon's business, even if they’re friends. “This is new.”

Yoongi shuts off his computer, pulling his bag over his shoulder. “That was before Jungkook,” he says, glancing at Namjoon again. This time, his eyes are more skeptical, eyebrows raised. The curiosity of this guy. “Just going to see him for a couple hours. No big deal.”

“Uh-huh,” Namjoon says, leaning his arms on his desk. Yoongi double checks that he has everything, mapping out the directions to Jungkook’s work building from his phone. “Have fun hyung.”

With a final wave of goodbye, Yoongi leaves in a rush, hoping that the ten minutes his phone says it’ll take for him to drive over isn’t a complete lie.

In a little over ten minutes—apparently not much of a lie—Yoongi finds himself standing at the entrance, holding his phone, trying to avoid the suspicious stares employees are giving him. He didn’t have a chance to text Jungkook at any stop lights, so now he’s here and Jungkook doesn’t know it.

Before anyone can come up to him, Yoongi calls Jungkook.

“Hey,” Yoongi says once Jungkook answers, flitting his eyes across the lobby, taking a seat in a chair. “I’m already here.”

“Oh, um, okay. I’ll come get you,” Jungkook replies, and ends the call immediately after.

Yoongi waits with his knee bouncing. The fact that he actually braved his apprehension and came here is something to be proud of, but now that he is here, his nerves are creeping up on him. He doesn’t like new environments.

“Hyung,” Jungkook says, his soft touch greeting Yoongi’s shoulder. Something jolts through his body, heart rate quickening. Jungkook’s smiling when he looks up. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Yoongi breathes, standing with Jungkook’s help, slipping his hands into his pockets. Jungkook seems uncomfortable, shifting on his feet, checking over his shoulders. “Doing okay, Jungkook-ah?”

Jungkook nods, gesturing to the elevators. “Yeah, come,” he says, clearly forcing a smile onto his pink lips. His face is shadowy, like exhaustion is sitting in his bloodstream. Yoongi can’t imagine how grueling it must be to do his job. “Have you eaten? Do you want to have something?”

“Maybe later,” Yoongi says, stepping into the elevator alongside Jungkook. Once the doors have shut, he shuffles closer and allows a less-nervous smile to form. He doesn’t miss the way Jungkook’s shoulders drop, mirroring the look, the slight crease between his brows vanishing. “I’m curious to see this whole place. Where the Jungkook works.”

“Ah, you make me sound so special—”

“Well, you are.”

Jungkook’s face goes red, chin tucked into his chest. Yoongi reaches up and ruffles his hair, letting his hand linger to stroke a strand of hair, finding him endearing. The simplest words and actions can so easily make Jungkook’s resolve crumble. He’s just as shy and sensitive as he was five years ago.

“Here,” Jungkook mumbles, still acting timid, gesturing to the hallway. Yoongi steps off, taking in the quiet atmosphere, the minimalist design style. It feels cold, almost. He’s not a huge fan, but he follows Jungkook down the hall regardless.

“I don’t have slippers you can use,” Jungkook says when they reach a door, his body shielding the pin pad as he enters the code. Yoongi pushes his shoes off, placing them near the entrance, letting the door fall shut behind him. “Ta-da. Welcome to the studio.”

The studio isn’t too small, or too large. It’s cozy, more than anything else, dim yellow light shining over the room, couch piled with pillows and blankets. Jungkook’s desk is neat, only one empty coffee cup near the keyboard. Yoongi stares at it all in awe—he never knew Jungkook to have his own space like this, but now he does. And it makes so much sense. It always does.

“This is… pretty cool,” Yoongi says, attempting to sound nonchalant, but when Jungkook smiles, he knows he’s failed. You can’t blame him for being excited about something like this. Compared to the tiny dance studio and dorms, this is luxurious. “You make your stuff here?”

“When I’m experimenting, yeah,” Jungkook says, falling into the cushioned desk chair, pulling himself close to the desk. Yoongi hovers over his shoulder, gaping over the equipment. His younger self could only dream of having this set up. “I’m not a producer or anything, but… it’s fun to mess around, you know? Nothing like you.”

“I don’t really produce anymore,” Yoongi says, leaning his weight on the back of Jungkook’s chair, eyes sliding over the screen as Jungkook opens an audio file called Sundays.

“It nearly made the album,” Jungkook says, speaking so softly that Yoongi almost doesn’t hear him over the heater’s vibration. His toes curl. Is Jungkook going to show him an unreleased song? “But… It was almost too sad.” He laughs, weak, then clicks play. “Even sadder than The one I lost. Maybe because I was more honest.”

The music that filters through the speakers immediately tugs on Yoongi’s heart strings. He rests his hips back on the desk, hands gripping the edge, letting the soft piano and guitar wash over him. Jungkook’s voice is mellow, heartbroken, almost like he was crying when he recorded it.

And it is more honest than The one I lost, because Jungkook is calling out to someone, to a hyung—to Yoongi, maybe. All he knows is that Jungkook is singing about longing for someone on Sundays, about his heart being lost and broken, about being trapped between two worlds within himself. Something Yoongi became familiar with five years ago.

It hurts. Yoongi’s heart reaches out for him even more than before. You don’t just show someone a song like this out of the blue. This was intentional.

“Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi says, and finds himself outstretching his hands, holding Jungkook’s delicate face between his palms. Jungkook’s tired eyes flutter, then settle on Yoongi before he smiles. And despite how tired he looks, there’s so much affection in it. “I don’t want to leave you again.”

“I don’t want to leave you again, either,” Jungkook replies, cupping his hands over Yoongi’s, caressing his knuckles. “I just want to be with you happily. Without worrying so much.” He takes one of Yoongi’s hands, kissing the inside of his palm. It sort of tickles, and Yoongi squirms. “Am I… allowed to want that?”

“Of course you are.” Yoongi wants to kiss him. “You’re allowed to want anything with me.”

“Are you sure?”

“You’re blaming yourself again.” Yoongi tucks Jungkook’s hair behind his ear, smiling down at him. He wants Jungkook to understand that he’s really dedicated to trying again. “I mean it, okay? You know… how bad I am with words, but believe me when I say that I want to be with you too.”

For a moment, Yoongi thinks Jungkook doesn’t believe him. His eyebrows twitch and his mouth frowns, hands pulling Yoongi’s wrists downward. Yoongi worries at his bottom lip, rethinking his words. Is this not what Jungkook meant when he said he wants to be together happily? Was he looking for some sort of sexual relationship instead?

Because that’s something Yoongi can’t give him. It’s the one thing he can’t be sure about. He’s always had a complicated relationship with sex, and wanting it, and he had his first time with Jungkook all those years ago, but it’s different now. He doesn’t think he wants something like that. Not with Jungkook, or anyone for that matter.

“Hey, but, I need to tell you something,” Yoongi says, breaking the weird tension forming between them. Jungkook’s hands are clenched together, twisting and pulling his own fingers. “It’s important, uh, and might help you understand some stuff?”

“Oh,” Jungkook breathes, like he’s surprised by this. He just nods and rotates his chair towards Yoongi, but doesn’t quite look him in the eye. Yoongi avoids it too. “Sure.”

Yoongi takes a deep breath. This is Jungkook. There’s nothing to be worried about.

“I know I said you can want anything,” Yoongi starts, choosing his next words carefully. He isn’t sure if Jungkook even knows what asexuality is. Not that he thinks Jungkook is naive, but it’s widely untalked about. Yoongi had to search up what it meant when he first heard about it. “And you can. I just—some things I might not be able to fully give to you?”

When Yoongi pauses, Jungkook stares back blankly. Clearly nothing Yoongi is saying is reaching Jungkook. It could have something to do with the vague wording, so Yoongi doesn’t blame him. It isn’t exactly easy admitting this to someone you want to date. Especially if you already dated them and have had sex with them.

“I’m ace,” Yoongi says quickly, trying not to feel embarrassed by it. His cheeks set aflame anyway. “Asexual. I’m indifferent about sex. With you. And in general.”

Jungkook’s eyebrows shoot up. “That’s it?” he asks, and Yoongi raises his eyebrows, too, because that wasn’t the response he was expecting. “I seriously thought you were going to take back what you just said about wanting to be with me.”

“No, no—I mean—unless you mind that I can’t—”

“Hyung, I really don’t mind at all. It doesn’t change the fact that I want to be with you.”

Yoongi sighs, relieved. He hugs himself, letting his head fall forward. He was beginning to doubt that Jungkook would accept this part of him, but he should have known. Jungkook is kindhearted, like that. He’s the most nonjudgmental person Yoongi knows.

“I’m glad,” Yoongi says, putting his hand over his heart. It’s thumping against his chest at a rate he can’t bear, overwhelmed by warmth tingling his skin. Jungkook smiles in a way that Yoongi hasn’t seen in a long time.

They spend the next few minutes together quietly, with Yoongi still leaning against the desk, and Jungkook spinning in his chair, but still grinning like a madman. Yoongi can’t look much more sane, with the way his own lips are pulled into a small smile.

Eventually, Jungkook takes him on a short tour of a couple more floors. Yoongi gets to see the company cafeteria—which is much better than Yoongi’s—and the gym. Everything is up to the highest standards, and even though the broadcasting company is rich, the company amenities aren’t as well-funded as Jungkook’s.

They stop in a meeting room. Yoongi meets Jungkook’s manager again, talking over the legal papers Jungkook told him about before signing them. He trusts that the company has Jungkook’s best interest at hand. They seem to be more trustworthy and open-minded than the one he was originally signed with. If Jungkook trusts them after everything he went through, then Yoongi does too.

“Someone’s in here,” Jungkook says as they approach the practice room afterward, bass rattling the floor-to-ceiling windows. He first peeks in the windows, a couple guys inside, then opens the doors. Yoongi wonders if Jungkook knows them as he steps through the doorway.

The music is shrill in Yoongi’s ear, but he loves it. He vaguely recognizes the song as one they’ve played on the radio a couple of times, an idol group he’s not super familiar with. He watches the two guys through the mirror, intrigued by their complementary movement. Even if their techniques are different, they somehow go together.

He doesn’t expect for Jungkook to drop his jacket on the floor and jump in behind them.

The two guys laugh and shake up their movement when they notice, but soon fall into sync like they’ve practiced this a million times before. It’s mesmerizing, watching their synchronization. Yoongi doesn’t think he could ever do anything like this.

“Hyung, these are my friends,” Jungkook says when the song cuts off, taking Yoongi’s hands to bring him closer to the two guys. They’re both objectively handsome in their own ways, but Yoongi can’t process that because he’s focusing on Jungkook so much. “Jimin-hyung and Taehyung-hyung—this is Min Yoongi.”

Immediately, the taller one’s face lights up. “A face to the name, finally,” he says, waving energetically. Yoongi waves back, shuffling closer to Jungkook. “Kim Taehyung of LXVE. Jungkookie has been talking about you all the time.”

“Okay, not all the—”

“Don’t be shy, Jungkook-ah, you know it’s true,” the other one, Jimin, says, pushing back his sweaty hair. Yoongi turns his head to look at Jungkook. As expected, he’s blushing from the shell of his ears to his exposed collarbones, arms crossed defensively. Cute. “But yeah, it is nice to finally put a face to the name.”

Yoongi forces a smile on his face, elbowing Jungkook in the ribs. “Yeah, well, he hasn’t talked much about either of you,” he says teasingly, watching Jungkook’s skin grow a darker shade of red. “But it’s nice to meet you too. I… hope you’ve taken care of Jungkook well.”

Taehyung smiles; Yoongi likes the way it looks. He seems like the type of person that won’t ever let you feel down. He hopes that Jungkook has felt that way too.

“We have,” Taehyung says, pinching Jungkook’s cheek until Jungkook pushes him away, grumbling about personal space. Which is ironic, considering how he cowers into Yoongi’s space instead—not that he minds. “This kid is really lucky we found him.”

“That’s not how it works,” Jungkook squeaks, pouting. It’s criminally cute, Yoongi could turn into a puddle right now. “I came here! By choice, too. You didn’t find me.”

“Hyung—wait, can I call you hyung, too?” Taehyung asks, speaking faster than Yoongi can keep up with. It takes a moment to process the question, before he nods. He likes how keen Jungkook’s friends are on being polite. “Well, hyung, you’ll be interested to know that on Jungkook’s first day here, we found him holed up in this very room—”

“And we dragged him out for a meal,” Jimin cuts in, grinning up at Jungkook, who’s still trying to shrink into himself. This is all very endearing to Yoongi. They bicker in a way that reminds him of his own friends. “It was like, one in the morning. We scolded him for practicing so late and took him home. We did find him. He’s like one of our members to us.”

“Oh my god,” Jungkook groans.

Yoongi laughs, his chest warm knowing Jungkook has still found a place in this world of loneliness. He and Jungkook haven’t had the chance to talk more—to connect more emotionally as their older selves—but just from the surface-level conversations, he knows it’s been a tough journey. These two supporting him means more to Yoongi than they probably expect.

So, he masks it, pretending it’s more funny than anything else as he teases Jungkook alongside his friends. The more time Yoongi spends with him, and existing in his space, the more he finds that he wants Jungkook in his life more than ever before. Maybe even more than the first time around.

++

When Jungkook’s debut anniversary hits, Yoongi is wrapped up in his bed sheets. He’s been scrolling through Twitter, taking in the array of fanart and kind, praising words that Jungkook’s fans have written for him. It truly warms Yoongi’s heart to know that even if Jungkook has felt lonely all these years, he still has his endlessly supportive fans.

Yoongi rolls over, showing off a drawing to Keys curled up beside him. “Look,” he whispers, positioning his phone in front of her face. The drawing depicts Jungkook with floppy bunny ears, grinning brightly and holding a carton of banana milk. It’s so absurdly like Jungkook, but Yoongi can’t exactly send this to him—so showing Keys is the answer.

Unexpectedly, just as Yoongi thinks that, Jungkook’s name is sitting at the top of his phone screen. Something in Yoongi’s jumps; what if something’s wrong? Why would Jungkook be calling him so late at night?

“Hello?” Yoongi asks in a rush, panic suddenly pressing against his chest. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jungkook says with a soft laugh, sounding tired, but otherwise fine, just as he said. Yoongi exhales in relief, relaxing against his bed. He was starting to get worked up for no reason. “Hm. I was just missing you, that’s all. Were you sleeping?”

“No.” Yoongi curls his toes at the thought of Jungkook finding out what he was actually doing. Looking over the art made by his ex-boyfriend-slash-new-boyfriend’s fans is not something anyone needs to know. “Uh… just hanging out with Keys. What about you? Aren’t you busy today since it’s, you know, debut anniversary?”

Jungkook hums. “I am,” he says, but sounds unconcerned by it. Maybe Yoongi is misjudging? He thought idols spent hours working day in and day out. It could just be a special case. As far as Yoongi can tell, Jungkook hasn’t been as busy lately, in comparison to when he was a trainee. “I have to be out of the house in a couple of hours. But I couldn’t sleep.”

“Why’s that?”

“Got nervous.” Jungkook’s voice is much quieter now, a hint of hesitancy bleeding through. Yoongi sighs, heart beating with sympathy. He wishes he could wrap Jungkook up in a nice, solid hug and tell him that it’ll be okay. “I have this, like, concert tonight. And I’m so nervous about it, hyung. Plus the bonus songs came out, and I’m scared they’ll hate it.”

Yoongi pauses. “Bonus songs?” he asks, because he doesn’t remember anything about bonus songs. Or maybe he forgot.

“Oh. Fuck.”

“Yah, you’re an idol. You shouldn’t curse.”

“Shut up, hyung.” Jungkook laughs again, just a soft giggle. Yoongi is so weak. He shouldn’t be smiling just by the sound of his laugh. “It’s—ah, remember when I said there’s special content coming out for my anniversary?”

“Uh… vaguely.” Yoongi doesn’t remember much from the interviews. Even though it was barely over a month ago, he spent most of it in distress that he blocked it out of his memory. Whenever he stumbles across the clips of them online, he can’t believe that it happened.

Jungkook clears his throat. “I released a special version of my album,” he says, and Yoongi is already climbing out of his bed to find his laptop, shuffling around in the darkness. “There’s three bonus songs on it. Bunch of other special shit you can buy, but it’s the songs that are more important. All three of them were written around my debut.”

In his hunt for his laptop, Yoongi doesn’t have a chance to answer, stumbling out of his room to find his computer on the kitchen table. He’s too eager to hear these songs. And if Jungkook is right here, then, he may as well live-react to them.

“Oh,” Yoongi mumbles when he finds the first song’s music video. He hasn’t started playing it yet, because the title stops him. Sundays. The same song Jungkook showed him just a few days ago. “Jungkook-ah…”

“Watch it,” Jungkook says, like he knows the music video is sitting on Yoongi’s screen. Yoongi wants to, but something makes him hesitate. Sure, he heard the song already, but what will the music video hold? Is this Jungkook’s way of coming out? “Please, I think you’ll love it. I want to see.”

“Should I video call you?”

“You… can.”

With a deep breath, Yoongi switches their call to video, placing his phone against the kitchen table centerpiece. Jungkook’s face pops up on his screen, head against his pillow, phone midair. It doesn’t help that he looks warm and comfortable—Yoongi is tempted to just abandon this music video, just to drive to Jungkook’s place and cuddle him.

“You’re staring,” Jungkook whispers, teasing eyebrow raise, smirking. Yoongi looks away, huffing through his mouth. So distracting. “Are you watching?”

“Mhm,” Yoongi mumbles, putting the video on full screen before clicking play. He settles against the back of the chair, hugging Keys close when she hops into his lap. “How do you know I’m going to love it?”

On Yoongi’s laptop, the video is focused on Jungkook—lying on a large bed, similar to the one he’s in right now.

“You just will,” Jungkook says, hiding half his face with a blanket. Yoongi forces himself to stay focused on the music video.

The scenes play out slowly, telling a story. Jungkook goes through the motions; sitting in a restaurant, a park, a bus stop. Yoongi already knows that it’s supposed to symbolize them. It’s a reflection of their relationship in a sequence of places they spent time together. Time spent always on Sundays.

The lyrics haven’t been altered in any way. He’s still calling out for a hyung, for someone to mend his broken heart. Asking someone to stay with him on Sundays again. And Yoongi knows—he just knows—that it’s him that Jungkook wants.

“Why are your songs so sad?” Yoongi asks, when the video is over. He looks at Jungkook, still covering his face with a blanket, and crosses his arms. “Even the ones that sound happy are sad.”

“I’m a sad person,” Jungkook replies, lowering the fabric to his chin. His mouth is pressed into a pout, that makes Yoongi really wish he was there to kiss him. “You gonna criticize me for my artistic expression, hyung?”

“Shut up.” Yoongi scrunches his nose up, scrolling through the video description and comments. “It’s beautiful, though. You directed this?”

Jungkook hums in answer. He’s doing a terrible job of acting indifferent about it.

“I like the visuals. It kind of—reminds me of the album concept as a whole. The fact that you take the listener on a journey through emotions. With this video, it’s through seasons,” Yoongi explains, still scrolling. He reads comments of praise—they say that Jungkook is brave for this, that they feel seen. “My favorite part is the bridge.”

“It’s so hard to sing live,” Jungkook whines. “It’s such a high key!”

“But you’re talented, so you can do it.” Yoongi folds his hands together, placing his chin on top, smiling. Of course, Jungkook tries to deny it, but Yoongi says, “No one is more talented than you, Jungkook-ah. No one has a voice like you do.”

Jungkook’s face is turning red. “Hyung,” he says, sounding helpless. Yoongi’s eyes are still focused on the movement of his lips, the urge to kiss him growing with each second. This sudden barrier is excruciating. “I really miss you.”

“I know.” Yoongi looks away, closing his laptop screen. If he continues looking at Jungkook, then he might just grab his keys and drive over there. But he can’t do that—he needs to have some self-control, even though the fighting against the impulse is nearly impossible to resist. “I miss you too.”

“Hyung, I—”

“You should try to sleep,” Yoongi says quickly, water stinging his eyes. He forces a smile, because he refuses to cry in front of Jungkook again, especially not over the phone. “You have a long day tomorrow.”

Jungkook opens his mouth, but doesn’t say anything. Yoongi clenches his teeth together and adds, “I’ll talk to you later, okay?” He moves his thumb to end the call, waiting a moment, then two, before forcing another smile and pressing the button.

Jungkook’s face vanishes from Yoongi’s screen, and he’s left alone again. Keys is purring in his lap, but for once, it doesn’t soothe him. Yoongi lays his forehead on the table, replaying the last minute in his head. It almost seemed like—with the urgency in Jungkook’s voice and the slight fear in his eyes—he was going to confess.

Like he was going to tell Yoongi that he’s in love again.

Even though they’ve started to become closer, Yoongi isn’t ready for that. Saying that he’s in love with Jungkook again would be a stretch, but denying that he’s started to fall would be a lie.

“Yoongi-hyung?”

Yoongi buries his face into his arm, sucking in a breath to mask the small sob he lets out. Figuring out the way he feels about Jungkook feels like mountainous pressure, weighing on him. If he doesn’t decide soon, then what if Jungkook leaves? What if Jungkook doesn’t want to stay with him?

“Hyung,” Hoseok says again, placing a light hand between Yoongi’s shoulder blades. His voice sounds so far away, like Yoongi is thousands of feet in the ocean, and Hoseok is somewhere above water. He shakes Yoongi’s shoulder, and asks, “Hey, hyung, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” Yoongi cries quietly, lifting his heavy head from his arms. He squints into the light, watching Hoseok’s worried shifting expression. Yoongi’s chest hurts, just above his heart. It’s telling him to go to Jungkook. “I don’t know if I’m sad, or just being emotional.”

Hoseok sits on the chair beside him, pulling Yoongi into his arms. Keys jumps off Yoongi’s lap, leaving his thighs cold and bare, as he pushes his face into Hoseok’s neck. After listening to that song and watching the music video, his heart feels so much pain, so much want for Jungkook. Yet, he’s sitting here, crying into Hoseok’s shirt, because he’s afraid of being with Jungkook.

“Is it stupid that I’m scared?” Yoongi asks, wiping his own cheeks, finding Hoseok’s eyes.

With his slender fingers, Hoseok pushes Yoongi’s hair back, moving slowly. “Hm. No,” he says, continuing the movement. Yoongi settles down with a sigh, catching his breath with his head perched on Hoseok’s shoulder. “You loved him once. It’s reasonable to be scared of loving him again.”

“I’m just—” Yoongi sucks in another breath. What is this feeling? “It isn’t the same as before. This isn’t what I thought love felt like.”

“Do you think it’s different because you got hurt last time?” Hoseok asks, moving his hand down Yoongi’s arm in a soothing massage. With each press, Yoongi’s muscles relax, slacken against Hoseok’s body. “You’re both different people, too. Does it feel like you’re falling in love with a completely different person?”

Yoongi sniffles. “Not really,” he replies. He appreciates the fact that Jungkook’s personality hasn’t changed drastically. They’ve both become more mature in countless ways, and of course, they’re different people. But Yoongi still looks at Jungkook and sees pieces of the boy he fell for five years ago. “He’s different, but he’s still Jungkook. Anything new I learn doesn’t surprise me.”

“Hyung, I know—” Hoseok stops, sighs, still rubbing Yoongi’s back. Yoongi wonders if Hoseok has finally come around to the idea of him dating Jungkook again. “I know that you said that Jungkook is a good person, and he makes you feel all these ways. And I just—I believe that, now.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I went back and watched the interviews.” Yoongi jerks his head up. He has no idea what those interviews could say about Jungkook. “He’s… He acted so kindly with you, hyung, and he had no obligation to. I’ve seen idols be absolute assholes to their interviewers. And even though you said some not-so-nice things, he handled it so well. Not only does that show how good of a professional he is, but the strength in his heart.”

Yoongi smiles, hearing this. “I told you,” he says, pushing Hoseok lightly by the shoulders. All he does is smile back and roll his eyes, all with affection. “He released another song about me and it’s just—I don’t know. It makes me want to be there for him even more.”

“Then follow that feeling.” Hoseok shrugs, looking down when Keys comes back around, hopping from the floor to the chair to sit on the table. She settles on top of Yoongi’s laptop, blinking at them innocently. “If you think you can be happy with Jungkook, then do it. Be happy. Let yourself have that.”

++

Over the next few days, Hoseok’s words linger in Yoongi’s mind.

Be happy. Let yourself have that.

Everything in Yoongi is screaming at him to listen; to follow his heart reaching out for Jungkook. He doesn’t know why he’s struggling so hard to give in. He knows the answer lies in talking to Jungkook about this, but they haven’t even gotten a chance to text, let alone meet up or call.

Not to mention the fact that everyone’s schedule at work is getting shuffled around, and Yoongi’s position as the host of The Sunshine Show is up in the air. Rumors are saying that by doing so well with Jungkook’s special, they’re going to put him on Night Town instead. Which is fine, honestly, but the ambiguity of it all makes him inexplicably anxious.

Yoongi texted Jungkook a couple of times, and both were read, but he didn’t reply. He’s not upset by it. He can see all the content that Jungkook’s company is pumping out to promote the album and upcoming tour. But it doesn’t really remedy how much he misses Jungkook and his actual, physical presence.

He writes music to fill the void.

He can’t remember the last time he produced and wrote a track, but the music and words pour out of him like hot tea spilling from a cup.

The words are everywhere. Yoongi spends his free time at work writing nonstop about Jungkook. His smile, his laugh, his voice. The yearning for his lips, the brush of his hand on Yoongi’s waist, the deep, aching trench in his heart that widens the longer they spend apart.

Even when they broke up, it wasn’t like this. Maybe he knew something deep down, back then, that he couldn’t reach Jungkook. That it would be pointless to try contacting him. But Yoongi knows that Jungkook is there, thinking of him too, and somehow that’s a million times worse.

Apparently, there is something worse than a shattered heart—a heart that is instead gaping with the absence of its love.

Yoongi wishes he was just being dramatic, but there is some kind of anguish caused by this. Maybe it’s the confusion in where they stand that makes the situation worse. It didn’t feel like this a mere couple weeks ago when Jungkook went to New York for promotions. Something is different.

Hoseok is the first to pick up on the shift in mood. He pushes Yoongi to just keep texting Jungkook, but most of the time, he’s there to listen to the numerous tracks that Yoongi is producing.

Of course, Namjoon notices the change too, but he’s less vocal about it. He leaves those addictive donuts on Yoongi’s desk every morning, pretending it wasn’t him whenever Yoongi asks. Yoongi is grateful. He doubts that he could get through the workday without the occasional sugar rush.

A time comes, a lonesome Saturday night, where Yoongi is just exhausted. The music he’s making has been working for a while, but now it can’t compare to Jungkook. Keys has done her best to comfort him too, and he feels guilty and selfish for feeling like nothing is enough.

Hoseok is out for the weekend to visit his parents, and Yoongi is curled up on his couch with the lights off, and the saddest music he could come up with playing in his headphones. His therapist told him that maybe if he cried, then the burden would ease.

So far the sad songs haven’t made him cry, but Yoongi queued them in order of how badly they hurt him, so he’s counting on the last ten kicking the tears into action.

At least, he really thought he would get the peace and quiet to do this, but Keys is meowing at him to feed her, climbing on his stomach. She walks up his chest and rubs her head against Yoongi’s jaw, meowing so loud that Yoongi can hear it through his headphones.

“I just fed you, baby,” Yoongi mutters, removing his headphones, picking Keys up. She immediately stops making a fuss as he shuffles over to her food bowl and grabs the cat treats from inside the cabinet. “Yah, just wait, I’m giving them.”

Keys circles his feet until he kneels, and she sits obediently until Yoongi lays out a couple of treats in the bowl. She paws at them suspiciously, then scarfs them both in one bite.

“You’re like Jungkook,” Yoongi mutters, scratching her head. “No patience about food whatsoever.”

Keys is trying to climb onto his arm when there’s a soft knock at the door. Yoongi checks the time on his phone—it’s past midnight already. Why would someone be knocking so late?

Yoongi waits, wondering if he could just ignore it. But whoever it is just knocks again, louder, and Yoongi figures he has to answer it. Maybe it’s a neighbor or something? He has no idea why anyone would come to his door so late.

But, when he checks who it is, he doesn’t hesitate to open the door.

Jungkook standing there, with his shoulders hunched and hood on, mask hiding his mouth. Glasses are sitting on his face, but it doesn’t hide the evident weariness in his expression. Yoongi’s eyes grow wet immediately. Finally seeing Jungkook is a damn good reason to cry again.

“Hi,” Jungkook whispers, pushing the door open wider, slipping into the apartment. Yoongi lets the door fall shut, tilting his head higher to see Jungkook’s face in the shadows. “It’s… very dark in here.”

“I was wallowing,” Yoongi whispers back, his hand bumping into Jungkook’s, then finding his waist to pull him closer. Oranges—he still smells like oranges, Yoongi realizes as he presses his face into Jungkook’s shoulder.

Jungkook’s grip is tight and solid around him, unwavering. “I missed you so much,” he says into Yoongi’s shirt, breathing deeply. Yoongi sniffles; he knows. He knows. “Wait, fuck, are you crying? Hyung.”

“I’m fine,” Yoongi insists, pulling away to cover his face, wiping his cheeks. He doesn’t want to turn on the lights and have Jungkook see just how not-fine he is. “Nothing to worry about.”

The street lamp outside the window is lighting up Jungkook’s face. His lips are rolled into his mouth now that his mask is under his chin, eyes scanning Yoongi’s face with concern. “You are lying,” he says, stepping even closer.

Yoongi’s face fills with heat. Now that Jungkook’s in his space again, he can’t help how he gets so easily flustered. He lightly pushes against Jungkook’s chest, but he doesn’t budge.

Instead, Jungkook takes his wrists in both hands, bringing his arms around his own body. “Why?” he asks, letting go to hold Yoongi’s face. Yoongi adjusts his arms to hug Jungkook again, keeping his head lifted to look at Jungkook’s curious and worried eyes.

“I just missed you that much,” Yoongi says, leaning into Jungkook’s soft palm, the slow stroke of his thumb. He catches a whiff of Jungkook’s cologne again. “You smell nice.”

“Thanks,” Jungkook laughs, “because I haven’t had a chance to shower in a couple of days and I feel really gross.”

Yoongi smiles, even though he’s pressed against Jungkook’s body. “How long are you here for?” he asks, shifting his hands up to rest on Jungkook’s shoulders, indulging in running his fingers through his gel-stiff hair. “You can shower here if you have the time.”

“I… absolutely will take you up on that,” Jungkook says with a grimace, pulling out of their hug. Yoongi pouts, because he wanted to stay in it for a little longer. “Can I turn on the lights? It’s so gloomy here.”

“Yeah, I’ll just…” Yoongi trails off as he feels around for the light switch, bracing his eyes as light floods the kitchen and living room. “Ow. My eyes.”

“You’re literally closing them.” Jungkook’s arms appear around Yoongi from behind, his weight propelling him a couple steps forward. Funny how much Jungkook has grown in five years. Yoongi flutters his eyes open, turning his head when he feels Jungkook’s chin over his shoulder. “Hi there, hyung.”

Yoongi grunts as he tries pushing Jungkook off, but his grip is endlessly tight. Not that he truly minds, but he has no idea where Jungkook has been the last two days.

“Get off,” Yoongi says, finally wiggling out of Jungkook’s hold, nearly tripping over Keys before she scurries off into his bedroom. He turns around to find Jungkook smiling sheepishly with his hands behind his back. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Hm?”

“How long are you here for?”

Jungkook shrugs. “However long I have,” he says, which isn’t the straightforward answer Yoongi was looking for, but he’ll take it. If it’s at least an hour, then that’s good enough for him.

Yoongi gets Jungkook a towel and clean clothes, leaving him in the bathroom. While he waits, he collects his headphones from the couch, returning to his bedroom. He wonders if Jungkook will come in here. As he looks around the room, he realizes how much he does not want Jungkook to see his bedroom like this.

Yoongi clears up his cluttered desk first, tossing coffee cups and water bottles, organizing the notepads overflowing with lyrics and melodies into a pile in the corner. He tidies his dresser, collapsing any empty packages he has, moving the bottle with his meds to his bedside table instead. At least he managed to make his bed this morning.

“Hyung, do you have a hair dryer? I can’t find one in the bathroom,” Jungkook says from behind Yoongi, while he folds the clothes piled on the edge of his bedframe.

“Mm. One sec,” Yoongi replies, tossing a shirt into a pile on the floor, turning around to find Jungkook is not wearing the shirt he left for him. “You have… a lot of muscles.”

Jungkook lifts his eyebrows. “Thanks,” he says, and points to his long, faded hair dripping water onto the floor. “Hair dryer?”

“Right.”

Yoongi moves past Jungkook in the doorway, checking Hoseok’s bedroom, bringing it back to Jungkook. He watches through the mirror, kind of fascinated by the way his prominent muscles shift with every movement.

“How much do you work out, exactly?” Yoongi asks once Jungkook is done, and winding up the hair dryer cord.

“Like, an hour, six days a week,” Jungkook replies, shrugging. Yoongi takes it to store under the sink, where it actually belongs. He stands up again to see Jungkook checking his body in the mirror, flexing his arms. “Haven’t gone in a few days because I got busy, but tour rehearsals will hopefully keep me in shape.”

Curious, Yoongi pokes Jungkook’s stomach. It’s surprisingly softer than it looks. “Abs,” he mutters, poking them again. It’s not attractive, just kind of funny. Jungkook is objectively hot and everything, and Yoongi is sure most people would want to have sex with him but—all Yoongi wants to do is poke his muscles. “They’re squishy.”

“You know what’s squishy—”

“Don’t you dare—”

Jungkook smooshes Yoongi’s face between his fingers, Yoongi’s protest dying in his throat. “You’re so cuuute,” Jungkook says, moving Yoongi’s chin back and forth. And Yoongi just lets him, because he loves Jungkook and the smile on his face and the soft giggle he lets out. “Hyung, how are you so cute?”

Yoongi shrugs in lieu of answering. Not like he can move his mouth much when his cheeks are stuck between Jungkook’s fingers.

“Anyway, yeah. It’s squishy because I haven’t kept up with my workouts,” Jungkook says, letting go of Yoongi’s face and reaching for the t-shirt Yoongi gave him. When he puts it on, he somehow looks like he’s shrunken in size. The oversized t-shirt engulfs his upper body completely. “Do you work out at all?”

“Sometimes.” Yoongi runs his hands through his hair, checking himself out in the mirror too. Compared to Jungkook, his body is less defined, but at least he isn’t built like a stick anymore. “Couple times a week when I remember. My therapist always says I seem in a better mood when I work out.”

Jungkook knits his eyebrows together. “You know, you’re the one person I never imagined to talk about working out with,” he says, giving Yoongi a back hug again. This time, Yoongi places his hands over Jungkook’s, soaking in the warmth of their bodies touching. “You were very tiny when we met, so.”

“Like a stick.”

“I didn’t wanna say that, but…” Jungkook’s nose buries into Yoongi’s neck. Instead of oranges, he smells like Hoseok’s shampoo and Yoongi’s body wash.

Yoongi trails his fingers over Jungkook’s veins and knuckles, his hand tattoos. “Do you want to stay the night?” he asks, finding Jungkook’s eyes through the mirror. Yoongi can’t figure out what exactly the look Jungkook is giving means, but he thinks it’s somewhere along the lines of fond.

“I’d love to, hyung,” Jungkook says, squeezing Yoongi once before letting go, stretching his arms into the air. “Do you have any snacks?”

“What do you want?” Yoongi asks as he leaves the bathroom, scooping Keys into his arms on the way into the kitchen. He gives her one more treat, then looks for something Jungkook can eat. “Ah, I have leftovers. I only cooked for myself yesterday, so I don’t have much.”

“That’s fine. You know I’ll eat anything,” Jungkook replies, sitting beside Keys. She’s crawling all over him, leaving a trail of cat fur on his clean clothes. Yoongi sneaks a picture of them before heating up the leftovers.

While Jungkook eats, Yoongi busies himself with household chores, cleaning the kitchen and living room, emptying Keys’ litter box. Jungkook finishes every last bite of the leftovers, and even cleans up the dishes while Yoongi is using the bathroom. Because he’s a sweetheart like that.

“Are you tired?” Yoongi asks, watching Jungkook dry his hands on a towel, admiring the domesticity of it all. “You can lie down on my bed, if you want. You’ve been so busy.”

“I am tired, but I came here to, like, spend time with you.”

“It’s okay if you want to sleep instead…” Yoongi doesn’t know why he’s saying this when he’s been fucking agonizing over the fact that he hasn’t seen Jungkook in so long. “You must want to rest, it’s important that you do. You said before that this stuff is overwhelming, too…”

Jungkook smiles, this soft, kind thing. “I appreciate that you’re concerned, hyung, but my priority right now is maximizing my waking time with you,” he says, and Yoongi scrunches up his nose, trying not to feel so affected by him saying that. “You’re acting like I don’t know my own boundaries.”

“I’m just—”

“Trust me on this,” Jungkook whispers, coming close enough to loop his arms around Yoongi’s waist, pulling them close together. “I know you care about me, and I appreciate that. I do. A lot. But I mean it when I say I just want to be with you.”

Yoongi breathes out slowly. He trusts Jungkook. He does.

“Okay,” Yoongi finally relents, matching Jungkook’s tiny victory smile, “but, you have to lie down. And if you start falling asleep, I will not stop you.”

“Fine.” Jungkook shrugs. “As long as I’m with you.”

Yoongi brings Jungkook into his bedroom by hand, heart pounding as he watches Jungkook roll onto his bed without a care, stretching his limbs. Yoongi sits with his legs crossed on the other side, welcoming Keys into his lap. She settles on his calves and immediately begins to purr.

“So what all have you been up to?” Yoongi asks, as Jungkook makes himself comfortable. “In a nutshell, at least.”

“Just promotions and stuff. Prepping for tour is always insane. It’s all boring without context.” Jungkook rolls into his side, curling up, placing his hand over Keys’ back. Her purrs grow louder as he strokes her. “I mean, obviously I love what I do. But in the heat of it all, I get lonely. It’s so emotionally draining.”

“Can’t imagine.” Yoongi leans back against the headboard, lifting Keys’ head to stretch one leg out. “Is there something you do that’s like, healing for you?”

Jungkook’s hand brushes Yoongi’s fingers for a second. “I try to just remember that this is a side effect of making music. It’s not all bad, it just gets… crazy. When you’re going from place to place, running on one meal and two hours or sleep, it’s just too chaotic. But this period doesn’t last long.”

“I’m glad. You deserve to rest.”

“But what about you?”

Yoongi shrugs, rubbing his eyes tiredly. It must be somewhere between 1 a.m and 2 a.m. at this point. “Just working,” he says, moving Keys closer to Jungkook so he can cover his lap with the comforter. “I’ve been… um, I kind of got inspired to write stuff again. So I’ve been producing a lot.”

It’s comical, the way Jungkook’s eyes light up. “Really?” he asks, propping his head in his hand, elbowing digging into one of the pillows. In the low light of Yoongi’s bedroom, he seems to glow. Like an angel of some sort. “That’s cool, hyung. I always thought that part of you was cool.”

“Are you trying to flatter me?”

“Hm… maybe. Is it working?”

Yoongi flicks the center of Jungkook’s forehead. “Other than that, not much. Just… living my life,” he says, leaving out the unglamorous parts, where he just missed Jungkook so fucking much that it was all he could think about. “I’m a really boring person.” He laughs weakly. “I’m not sure why you like me.”

“Because you make me feel unafraid.” Jungkook scoots closer, looking up at Yoongi with his big eyes, his near-loving smile. “Maybe it’s difficult for you to see it, but I’ve always felt a sense of… safety with you. Like nothing can hurt me. I’m protected.”

For a second, no one speaks. Yoongi never knew he made Jungkook feel that way.

“For… a while, I thought that—that maybe if I had seen you before… Before I was forced to break up with you,” Jungkook suddenly adds, with his voice trembling. There’s a tear trailing over the bridge of his nose. “I thought maybe you could have convinced me not to. To just get out sooner, find somewhere else better before they could ruin me.”

“Jungkook-ah.” Yoongi sighs. He’s thought long and hard about this too—about the fact that Jungkook didn’t tell him what was going on. He used to think that he could have fixed it. “It was just meant to happen. That’s just the way your industry is built, as fucked up as it is. They exploited you and just… you couldn’t help it. It’s not something you can change overnight.”

“I know.” Jungkook falls onto his back. Yoongi uses his sleeve to wipe his tears. “I just… wish I didn’t lose so much time with you. Even now, it feels like so much work just to be allowed to see you. Freedom wise, I have a lot of my own will, but schedules are strict. Is it so bad to want to be—to be with someone?”

Yoongi leaves his hand to rest on Jungkook’s cheek. He wants to kiss all these worries away, but what if that isn’t what Jungkook wants from this? What if he’s asking for advice and not reassurance? All Yoongi wants to do is kiss him. He’s been wanting to for ages, it seems.

“It’s not bad,” is what Yoongi settles on saying, brushing aside another tear from Jungkook’s eye. Habitually, his eyes glance down to his lips, but this time, Jungkook definitely notices. “You deserve to be with someone as much as you want to.”

Jungkook licks his lips. “Hyung,” he says, suddenly serious. Jungkook’s jaw clenches under Yoongi’s hand, gaze fixating on his mouth.

“Yeah?” Yoongi is breathless just from that look. He’s so, so close. Just a couple of feet between them to bridge.

“Is there something you would like to do?”

Yoongi takes a deep breath and nods. “Can I?” he asks, still holding onto Jungkook’s face. He feels almost dizzy from how long he’s been staring at the soft, pinkness of Jungkook’s mouth.

Jungkook nods once.

Slowly, Yoongi leans closer and presses his mouth against Jungkook’s. It’s brief and hesitant. He doesn’t quite remember what it’s like to kiss someone, and he’s sure Jungkook has had more experience in the last five years, but none of that matters.

None of that matters because Jungkook pulls Yoongi in a second time, firmly kissing Yoongi’s lips. This one is still brief, but more chaste, and Yoongi wants more. He just wants to have Jungkook’s lips on his for a long time.

“Jungkook-ah,” Yoongi says, and it kind of comes out more desperate as he leans in to kiss Jungkook again.

Third time’s the charm, it seems, because this time Yoongi sinks right into it. His lips are moving against Jungkook, slowly, but in sync. It’s warm, and soft, and more familiar than anything else. Yoongi may have forgotten how to kiss Jungkook, but his lips certainly didn’t. They kiss Jungkook’s lips like they always have, as if they never stopped, as if that was their destined role.

And Jungkook kisses him more passionately, with all their missed time pouring out of him, his hands pulling Yoongi closer and closer until they’re pressed together. All that’s running through Yoongi’s mind is how much he craved this for so long. This intimacy with Jungkook is what he knew he needed.

“I missed you,” Jungkook says, kissing Yoongi again, “so much.”

“Me too.” Yoongi kisses Jungkook’s forehead and continues to cradle his face. “I really missed you too, Jungkook-ah.”

Jungkook kisses him again. He smiles after, and Yoongi can’t help it when he pulls Jungkook in for another one, longer, pressing all the endless pining he did into the kiss. That’s the least he could give. After so long apart, the least he could do is let Jungkook carry around this piece of him, and hope it’s enough.

“Hyung,” Jungkook breathes, finally touching Yoongi too. His hand rests comfortably on Yoongi’s back, guiding him even closer, until he’s practically lying down too. “You make me so happy. Did you know that?”

“I didn’t,” Yoongi admits, but it feels damn good to hear. “But I’m happy that you’re happy. Because you’re my boy. My angel. And as much as I want to be happy with you, it only matters if you are happy with me, too.”

Jungkook rests his forehead on Yoongi’s. “I am,” he says, kissing Yoongi again. Yoongi gets the feeling that as long as they’re alone together, Jungkook won’t stop kissing him. “Even compared to back then, I’ve never been happier than I am now. Is that—true for you too?”

Yoongi has to think to search for his answer.

When they first started dating, he was in a terrible place. He was struggling through school, barely getting by while working to pay his bills and tuition, not to mention his suffering mental health. When Jungkook came around, things got better, knowing he had a supportive boyfriend, but the aftermath always seems to cancel out their time together.

And even now, there are pieces of his life that haven’t quite clicked into place, like his job positioning being undetermined, and how he was panicking over not being able to reach Jungkook.

But, despite those, as he lies here with Jungkook, he does feel happy. It feels stupid to cling to this feeling when he knows it will inevitably fade. That happiness can sometimes be so fleeting that it’s gone in a blink of an eye. Yoongi latches onto it anyway because he deserves it. After years of suffering, he deserves this, like Hoseok said.

When Yoongi looks over to answer Jungkook’s question, he’s fast asleep. His head is tilted back, and breathing soft, but his arm is hooked tight around Yoongi’s body, and it doesn’t feel like he plans on letting go of him anytime soon. Yoongi kisses his cheek, pressing himself close to Jungkook’s chest, wishing he could live in this moment forever.

“I’m happier than I’ve ever been,” Yoongi says against Jungkook’s skin, another precious secret for him to keep safe. He laughs when he realizes something else. Something so silly, but so perfectly them. “It’s Sunday, Jungkook-ah. I’ll always spend my Sundays with you.”