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It was seven am in the middle of nowhere Kansas when it happened. It came out of nowhere, especially since, up to that point, life had been purely routine. Wake up, get the kids ready for school, go to work. The biggest change that day was supposed to be what pastries were going to be in the breakroom today -there were always glazed donuts on Mondays- and whether they would be good -they always were. There were going to be patients, surgeries and perhaps some calls for consults in the pit, if the situation required it. Maybe the kids would come back from school needing help with homework, maybe they’d refused to eat whatever was for dinner. One could argue any number of unlikely events could happen, but not this, nothing like this. Because the first thing Alex Karev saw that morning, just as he was about to walk the kids to the bus stop, was that there was mail, a letter. A letter addressed to him, written in a handwriting he could recognise anywhere. The address he didn’t know, although it sounded vaguely familiar; he knew it was nearby to the hospital he had once worked at. As he held the envelope in his hands, he froze. The kids were looking at him, wondering why he wasn’t moving, wondering what was going on. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t move. The first thing he did see was Izzie coming out of the house, probably to check what was going on. She said something, asked some questions about what it was or who it was from. Alex didn’t bother to reply, he was barely listening. After over a year of waiting, since the day he had sent those letters, he’d gotten a reply from the one person he never expected would talk to him again.
Next thing he knew, he was seated at his dining room table. Izzie had taken the kids to school and gone to work. She had said something about letting the hospital know he’d be in later than usual. It didn’t matter, he was still frozen, unable to get his eyes off the letter, the letter sent by his ex wife, probably the love of his life. It was something he had accepted a long time ago, that Jo was and would always be the great love of his life, that he would forever be completely in love with her. Things with Izzie were fine, you could probably even call it a marriage. Most of everything, they were friends and co parents. It was nothing like his love for Jo, nothing would ever be like him and Jo. Still, he lived in Kansas now, and that wasn’t going to change. And he was in his kids' lives and no one was getting him away from them. He wasn’t his father, he loved his children and would move heaven and earth for them. And he knew he had hurt Jo, all those months ago, when he sent that letter and the divorce papers. But he also knew he had spared her from the hurt she would have experienced otherwise. He couldn’t do that to someone, he couldn’t just abandon them and keep them waiting. He thought about Jo all the time, about how much he loved her and how much he had hurt her, but he also knew he’d spare her from pain. And he could live like that. Away from Jo, constantly trying to avoid General Surgery papers or articles so as to not read about her. He could live with her being happy somewhere else, maybe even with someone else. He could have. But he didn’t get the chance. Because he opened the letter.
He read about Jo having to hear about him leaving from his mom, her living in Link’s couch while having morning sickness and finding the letter and divorce papers just as she found out she was pregnant, pregnant and alone. His heart broke at the notion of her having to go through all of it alone: the pregnancy, the miscarriage, the near death experience. He realized how easily all of it could have been completely different. How she could have not pulled through, how he could have found out about it all not from a letter from Jo but a phone call from Meredith almost a year ago. How he could have learned that his pregnant ex-wife had bleed out and died on the table. That he hadn’t been there. That there wouldn’t be a funeral and that even if there was any sort of ceremony, he wouldn’t be able to go. He wondered what would have happened if a million different things had gone another way. What would his life be? Would Max be alive? Would Jo be?
And Max… There it was, happening again, the life altering news. Only this time, it wasn’t that he had five year old twins, but that there was a newly instated memorial site in some park for the kid he didn’t even know he would have had. He thought back to all the times he imagined a kid with Jo and what it would look like. And now, that potential, imaginary kid had a name: Max Karev. And he would have been perfect. And he should have been there, in Seattle, with his wife. He should have been there holding Jo’s hair back as she was puking every morning. He should have been the one she asked to go on shopping runs for her random pregnancy cravings. He should have been the one living with her, with the both of them, in the loft; not two residents working double shifts in the middle of a pandemic. Most of all, he should have been the one to find her, to get her to the hospital, to fight for her to stay alive and to hold her hand through it all. Jo was right, Owen had lied. She had been alone; he hadn’t been there. Jackson had, though. His brain conjured up an image of how he had found her, in a pool of her own blood at the loft. How he had gotten to the hospital covered in enough of Jo’s blood from trying to keep her alive that he had managed to freak Maggie into a panic.
And now… Now Jackson was living the life he should have had, the life he would have if he wasn’t so much of a coward. Living with Jo, who was now a new mother, a single mother thanks to him. Living with Harriet, even if it was only half the time. He had done what Alex should have done: got to keep his kids and keep the girl. He envied him, he really did. But he was also thankful for him. For having gotten Jo alive out of all that mess. For helping her survive losing Max and the aftermath. He couldn’t possibly say anything bad about the guy, couldn’t feel anything but pure gratitude for him. Jackson had formed a family with Jo, the one she deserved. And she was a mom and it seemed Jo was the happiest she’d ever been. Hell, he’d even helped her set up a memorial for the kid she lost. The kid they lost…
Alex tried to process that, having lost a child he had no idea about. He thought about Jo, the strongest person he knew, who continued to amaze him with her strength. She had lost it all, again. He’d left her and disappeared without so much as a message for over a month. She’d been pregnant and miscarried, even almost died, all because there was no one around. And still, she had found strength within herself to push through it. To keep helping people. To adopt a little girl out of the same life full of struggles she’d had. To learn a new specialty only to make sure others didn’t have to go through what she did. To understand him and forgive him, even if he didn’t deserve it. To write this letter, to tell him about Max, even if she didn’t owe anything to him. To find joy again, after it all. All of that strength, all that made her so special, and she’d left.
He called work, deciding there was no way he’d be able to make it today. Instead, he spend the day going on the internet in a deep dive of ‘what Dr. Josephine Wilson has been working on’. He’s surprise he hadn’t heard until now. She’s written some amazing papers and articles on her research and the surgeries she’d been doing. There were pictures of her and Jenny in the lab in Grey Sloan coats, but also of her and Addison ready for some surgery in LA with a Seaside Health and Wellness sign behind them. She’d sold herself short in her letter, she was doing absolutely amazing for herself. She was being the amazing smart doctor he knew she would become years ago. She had a family, friends and amazing coworkers. Yet, she had still written that letter, for him.
He thought back to the insane last year and a half. Now, moving to a farm in Kansas and finding out he had five year old twins wasn’t even in the top five insanities. Writing those letters didn’t even make the top ten. He thought back to that time, when he’d gone radio silent for over a month. After sending those three letters, to four of the most important people in his life back in Seattle. Bailey had been the first to acknowledge she’d received the letter, by writing the letter of recommendation that landed him his job. He’d texted with Meredith, rarely and briefly. His next conversation with Richard was about the transfer of Meredith’s Power of Attorney. Thinking back, he couldn’t recall any real conversation with Meredith since before moving to Kansas. He had to fix that.
Taking Jo’s advice, Alex Karev sat down in front of his computer to do the one thing he should have done a year and a half ago: he called Meredith. She appeared on his screen quickly after, Alex figured Jo had given him a warning about the letter -something he wasn’t going to bring up, because warning, letter, Jo and himself in a single sentence was a bomb waiting to explode. So he did the next most reasonable thing, he apologized.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry she was all alone and I’m sorry you had to help her alone. I’m sorry, Mer. I screwed up, I know I did.”
To his surprise, her reply was short. She didn’t seem angry or sad, which was both relieving and worrisome.
“You know.”
“Jo…” He hesitated, unsure of how he could possibly end that sentence. ‘She told me about how I left her without as much as a message for a month while she was pregnant with my baby; she told me how she had to find out she was pregnant while signing divorce papers from the father of her child, how she almost died having a miscarriage because I wasn’t there’. All of it, and then some. There were no possible excuses, no possible way of fitting all that hurt he’d caused in a sentence, and no way to fix any of it even with all the apologies in the world.
“She wrote a letter, I know.” She said simply. “We’ve talked about it. She gave me a heads up that I may be getting a call today.” Meredith took a deep breath, then sighed. “You have no idea how relieved I was, all of us were, when she woke up. Mainly because she was alive and her chances at survival had been slim to none. But also… I think a part of me -of everyone, really- was relieved when she said she’d call to let you know. I didn’t know how to call you and tell you, Alex, and I’m sorry for that, too.” There was a pause, but Alex figured she wasn’t done talking. “I know Jo doesn’t want to feel guilty about what happened to her, she really is just amazing like that. And she truly is happy now. The work she’s doing as a fetal surgeon and as a mother… You’d love to see it.” There was a pause, and Alex smiled, he was happy even only imagining it. “How happy she gets helping the tiny babies and how every worry turns into a smile the second she sees her daughter. She talks to Luna and her voice gets all high and she starts making her laugh by making faces and hand gestures; Luna’s the happiest kid in the world, you’d adore her. She’s as amazing as her mother, and people at the hospital have started calling Jo ‘Dr Sunshine’ because Luna’s happiness is severely contagious and Jo smiles a whole lot more now.” Alex tried to imagine how the same hospital that named him Evil Spawn, now nicknamed Jo Dr Sunshine; he’d probably be offended, if he didn’t think it was the perfect name for her. “Jo kept her promise to give Luna everything she never got; Luna could probably ask her for the moon and Jo wouldn’t even hesitate to find a way to get her the stars, too. They have created a wonderful family together and even if it is unconventional, they make it work. I’m probably the last one who could judge, for a long time, it was Maggie, Amelia, myself and the kids. Jackson was there for Jo when she needed him the most and, well you and I know how much of a bond can be formed from that. And Jo had spent so much time with Harriet, helping Jackson out whenever the pandemic meant everything was just too hard; Harriet now loves to have Jo braid her hair. Did you know Jo knows how to do natural hair?” Meredith laughed a little, joyful. “She’s been doing Zola’s hair a lot, too. Both girls love it. Link moved in with them at some point, too. They created a weird but effective system to take care of all three kids, a bit like we did back in the day. They are happy, she’s happy and she’s forgiven you, Alex, truly.”
Meredith paused again, maybe realizing how much she’d ranted on about Jo. It was one of the things that made Alex smile the most, having Jo and Meredith as friends. Those two were the strongest people he’d ever known, forced to survive endless tragedy ever since they were nothing more than kids. Those two becoming friends had been hard, and it had taken years and a lot of effort on his part. Ultimately, though, he knew Meredith had sort of adopted Jo in a similar way to how Bailey had adopted himself years back. He was glad those two still had each other, even with him gone.
“She really is amazing.” Meredith agreed softly, almost as a laugh. “You both are, and I’m glad you had each other. Have each other. And I’m sorry. Before you say that Jo’s forgiven me, I know. It was clear in her letter. It was also clear in her letter that I haven’t been around as much as I should have. I haven’t kept in touch or been a good friend, even from a distance. It’s been clear to me since I wrote those letters a year ago that I can’t -and won’t- apologize for loving my kids. I just can’t, Mer. I love them, they are amazing. I couldn’t possibly bear to leave their side. Still, that doesn’t justify me not calling, or texting, or something. Jo told me not to become a stranger, and she said you and the kids missed me. I’m sorry, Mer. I’m sorry for not being your friend to you through the pandemic, for not being Uncle Alex to your kids when you got sick, for not calling after it all.”
“I forgive you too, Alex. You don’t need to apologize to me. I know love will make us do crazy things. Hell, once upon a time I moved to San Diego for almost a year, after Derek died. And you were the one to bring me back in one piece, to welcome me back into the house. I understand Alex, I really do. Still, I’d love it if we could talk again. Cristina and I have our system, maybe you could join in. I’d love to hear about your life in Kansas, and about Izzie and the kids. You are a dad now! You, Alex Karev, are a dad! Of course I’d love to hear all about it. I’d love to come visit with the kids and I’m sure they’d love it if you came by for a few days sometime.”
Alex smiled, he could always count on Meredith knowing exactly what to say, even when she didn’t realize. He has no idea how it’d taken him so long to call Meredith and he wishes he had done it sooner. They talked for hours, about everything and nothing. Now, it was time for him to get his head out of his ass and do something about it. Apparently, he had to buy some plane tickets.