Chapter Text
The sound of blow after blow echoes through the whole room. In the distance, Jeongguk can hear the bustling Seoul street through the windows. The room smells like sweat, but Jeongguk never minds it. He continues to throw into his punchbag, hard and fast, panting and grunting with every punch. He can taste his own sweat in his mouth, and no matter how his body aches, or his muscles soring and his joints hurting, he’s relentless. He doesn’t care, grinning in the midst of his sweat. It’s a good ache after all.
It’s gotta be past 8 – he isn’t sure, he isn’t keeping track of time. He had just finished coaching one of his students who aspires to be the "greatest fighter out there," as the lad puts it. He can see so much of his old self in the youngster. Naive and impatient, but fervently passionate about boxing.
Jeongguk is still full of passion for boxing, though he’s more patient now. Maybe a little bit naive, still, but definitely more patient. Being a coach taught him more than he thought he would, and being trusted by his own coach to lead and start coaching when he’s not in the ring is something he won’t ever take for granted. He loves boxing. He is nothing if he’s not full-on fire when doing so. Some find it strange that Jeongguk would rather teach than claim victories and boast of sporadic successes here and there in tournaments. Oh, don’t get him wrong, he is a well-known and talented boxer. Everybody knows him. But everybody finds it odd that he’d rather teach.
Jeongguk has never disclosed this publicly, but he’d rather teach because talent and skills like what he has could be misused if not processed properly. Jeongguk can name names that he’s known throughout his journey in boxing. Jeongguk can list the names of the people he has met along the way of his boxing career. Names of those who use violence to push their beliefs on others or, worse yet, those who did it for funsies.
To Jeongguk, boxing is a means. Means to vent the roar of emotions and feelings that exist. Truly a perfect tool if channeled properly. Boxing brings him peace, it gives him a sense of control over his life. Every punch is like breathing more freely than before. To Jeongguk, boxing is a beautiful sport that teaches him a lot of positives. Self-discipline is among them. You miss a workout, it will show in the ring. You drink too much alcohol, it will show in the ring. It is a sport that will fail you the second you cut corners. And Jeongguk isn’t corners cutters, and – he strongly believes – athletes shouldn’t be too. It teaches Jeongguk determination, discipline, power, and humility that no other sport can. But boxing should not be abused to emphasize power to others, or to put others down.
Jeongguk keeps punching and punching, and pretty soon he begins to feel his muscles tingling, his shoulders feel like they’re going to dismantle from their joints but Jeongguk is nothing if not a pusher for his own limits. A smirk escapes his lips as the adrenaline keeps building and building. His whole body aches but it's a good ache. He can do this all night, that is, until he hears his phone ring.
He lands one final blow to the bag before backing off, bringing his gloved hands to his mouth as he rips the velcro of his gloves with his teeth. He reaches for his phone from his duffle bag, pressing ‘answer’ all the while opening his water bottle. He drinks as he puts the call on speaker.
“Come here! Dinner’s almost ready.”
The owner of the voice at the other end of the line is none other than Park Jimin, his best friend of seven years. It’s not half his life, but looking back in retrospect, Jeongguk can’t seem to imagine his life if Jimin isn’t around, if Jimin isn’t his best friend, or if Park Jimin simply doesn’t exist.
They were in the same study group all those years ago in college. Jeongguk still cannot wrap his head around how different the people in the study group were, but somehow, they became as thick as thieves. Even now they still hang around each other like college days were just yesterday and they’re still young despite two people pushing into their thirties. Jeongguk and Taehyung were the only business students. Jimin and Seokjin were both medical students, though Seokjin was aiming to be a pediatrician and Jimin was pursuing a career in nursing. Namjoon and Yoongi were the only law students, and Hoseok, who was the only one in Psychology, was ‘the psyche of the group’ , Jeongguk quotes from Taehyung back in those good old days.
The seven of them were the best of friends, and still are even to this day. Somehow within those years, some of them have found love with each other, like Namjoon and Yoongi, for instance, who recently just threw a blissful engagement party. They've been dating for years, but before that, it was all pining and slow burning. They used to back down from a relationship before because they were afraid to ruin the friendship, and honestly, Jeongguk cannot argue with that. So many things can go wrong, especially when you date someone within your group of friends. So many things to consider, to think through. One bad breakup could ruin the whole group. But he knows he can count on Namjoon and Yoongi.
Reminiscing about the past always brings a soothing feeling to his heart, and he holds it dear. Sometimes he thinks of his first day of college and his heart still smiles when he remembers a boy with pretty eyes and a sweet smile claiming to be a medical transfer student asking for directions to the library. Jeongguk had given him directions but he ended up walking with the boy to the library anyway. That was his first meeting with Park Jimin and the rest of it was history. They began to be friends pretty quickly despite being in different majors, hence studying in different buildings too. Back then when Jeongguk was still dating his girlfriend, she didn't like Jimin very much, and Jeongguk had never known why. Because Park Jimin was (and still is) nothing but a ball of sunshine and his hyungs dote on him so much.
Jimin was the one that introduced Jeongguk to the study group. Jimin already knew Seokjin from high school, and Seokjin happened to be friends with Hoseok—, who was already friends with Namjoon and Yoongi. Not too long after that, Jeongguk brought Taehyung into the study group and the rest is history.
Looking back, Jimin was the reason Jeongguk could have that many (six is many, Jeongguk will fight anyone who tells him otherwise) friends to begin with. And something always pulls Jeongguk toward Jimin and Jeongguk never had the time to think about it. They spend the majority of time together outside the study group, mainly because Jeongguk would go home, his body all sore from the tournaments, with a bruise here and there sometimes, and Jimin would offer to tend his wounds. Jeongguk never minded. Jeongguk always enjoyed Jimin’s company whenever he got the chance. They always had the best time together, sometimes drinking together when Jimin’s schedule as a medical student wasn’t killing him.
Jimin was the first person he ran to when his girlfriend broke up with him. Jimin had comforted Jeongguk with a warm hug and soothing whispers of it’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay, i’m here for you , Jeongguk might have imagined it, but he remembered there was a pause before we are all here for you . And Jeongguk thought it was impossible for him to grow any fonder of Jimin than he already had, but he was proven wrong. Because he couldn’t even remember when or how, but pretty much soon enough, he realized that Jimin had always been more than a best friend to him. Pretty much soon enough he realized that when push comes to shove, Jimin was always going to be the first one he fell into. He figured that was why it never worked with his ex; Jeongguk didn't feel the intensity of feelings he should be feeling with her, instead finding it with Jimin, his best friend. And soon enough he realized he probably would never feel this way about anyone else.
“Alright. I’ll be there in 15.”
Jeongguk used to imagine what would happen if he confessed, if he had decided that he should tell Jimin how he felt. But he never got the chance to because Jimin was constantly hopping from one date to another even before Jeongguk had broken up with his girlfriend.
Jimin wasn’t a player, no, he was way too good to be a player. He was (and still is) just too kind, too trusting. He doesn’t have a single mean bone in his soul. He always had (and still has) so much love to share with other people. It’s like he’s a little bit in love with everyone else and about anything that comes his way. It’s as if he had unlimited hearts to give to the world. He tended to fall easily albeit deeply. That was why people took advantage of him too easily, because Jimin let them. And through every bit of Jimin’s romance flings, Jeongguk had (and still has) his back. He was (and still is) always there to catch Jimin every time he falls.
Sometimes Jeongguk wishes that Jimin would fall into his arms instead.
Years have already passed by and now Jimin is a brilliant nurse at Asan Medical Center, one of the most well-known and prestigious hospitals in Seoul. And recently he’s been seeing a surgeon from the same hospital, Lee Junho. Jeongguk has seen the man a few times. The very first time he met him was at Jimin’s birthday party last year, and Jeongguk had decided then and there that he didn’t like him. Then a few months ago Junho started dropping Jimin off at his home. Jeongguk isn’t always at Jimin’s place but when he does, it’s because Jimin has a morning shift, hence him getting home around 7, and Jeongguk happens to always finish coaching at 18:30 every time Jimin has a morning shift. That’s one of the very few times when their schedules align. They make the most of it by spending time with each other at Jimin’s home, sometimes with the other guys— the good old study group gang, too.
The man is handsome, probably a little bit over 6 feet. His hair is short and neatly cut, and whenever Jeongguk sees him, he always wears clothes that are too tight for him, as if he wants to put on a show of his perfectly chiseled body. Jeongguk can see that he takes good care of himself, probably going to the gym a few times a week. And he’s a surgeon, after all. Everything about that man seems perfect, a surgeon with a reputation, probably rich and stable. The nurses might be lining up to be the ones who can date him, but yet for some reason (an obvious one, Park Jimin is perfect) he only has his eyes for Jimin. Jeongguk should be thrilled that Jimin has someone who appears great wanting him like that. Except that Jeongguk has this gut feeling that Junho isn't what people think he is. There is this something about Junho that Jeongguk seems to cannot put a finger on. Everything about the man infuriates Jeongguk.
Maybe it’s jealousy, Jeongguk had thought. He’s been secretly in love with Jimin all this time, after all. But he believes that whether he is in love with Jimin or not, he will still feel the same way about Junho. There is just something evil about that man.
“I don't know, I just have a bad feeling about that guy, y’know.” Jeongguk had said in one of their many dinners together one night. He had seen Junho a handful of times by that time, more than to his liking.
Jimin just laughed in response, a few rice grains escaped his mouth and he brought a hand to cover the embarrassing moment. Jeongguk didn’t find it disgusting or dirty. If anything, Jimin looked disarmingly cute. Always had been. “Jeongguk, you have a bad feeling towards most people.”
Most people you dated were assholes , Jeongguk had thought.
“And now especially him!”
But of course, Jimin didn’t listen, and it wasn’t like Jeongguk could do anything about it either. Jimin keeps seeing Junho, and one thing leads to another, they seem to be dating right now. Jeongguk isn’t sure because Jimin never really talks about Junho anymore. It’s weird to Jeongguk because Jimin used to talk about Junho…. a lot. Junho this and Junho that, and Jeongguk had to hold back the gag every time Jimin said something nice about Junho. But now, it’s like…. nothing. You’re supposed to talk about the person you’re dating, right? You should be acting all giddy like a little kid, telling your best friend about all the romantic things and whatnot that you’re experiencing with the person. Jimin used to be like that, and as much as Jeongguk doesn’t want a constant reminder that Jimin is taken and not his, he cannot help but wonder if something is wrong. Now Junho’s name only comes up once in a while. Now it’s either I assisted Junho in a surgery today or I ate lunch with Junho today or hey you don’t have to pick me up, I’m going out with Junho , which were… alright. Jeongguk might not have to get to know the man to be sure that he is somewhat a prick, Jeongguk loves to be right (that Junho is an asshole) but as much as he believes that’s the case, he also wants Jimin to be happy and safe.
The ride to Jimin’s place isn’t that far. On good days it will take Jeongguk just less than fifteen minutes. On the days when traffic reigns high, it will take half an hour to get there.
As always, the dinner is very nice. They talk about each other’s days and laugh together just like they always do. It’s all happy and full of laughter and warmth and Jeongguk wonders if he could freeze moments like this in a frame. Just spending time with Jimin and being happy with him. Everything seems just so perfect.
Except that it isn’t.
It isn’t because Park Jimin is announcing that he’s thinking of moving in with Junho.
“He thinks it’s a good idea since we have similar shifts these days,” Jimin says without glancing at Jeongguk. His lips are tucked into a small smile as he munches on his food, but something is off, oddly. As if – Jeongguk thinks – Jimin isn’t really sure about moving in with Junho.
“And you've been dating him for how long now?”
“Err, six months? Anyway, it’s not gonna be every day. I’m only gonna stay at his place three to four days a week. Other than that I’m gonna be here, so yeah.”
It’s been a while since Jeongguk has been with someone now and he doesn't know how the whole moving-in thing should work. Like how early or later in the relationship you should decide to move in together, or to a certain of what scale you should consider that this is the person you would want to move in with.
Jeongguk knows and is sure Jimin is a wonderful person but he cannot say the same thing about Junho.
“You’re okay with that?” Jeongguk decides to ask, and he doesn’t even realize he has stopped munching his own food. “Moving in with him,” Jeongguk explains further, and Jimin seems to ponder the question, and there is this look in his eyes but only fleeting and before Jeongguk can even wonder further, Jimin nods. “Yeah.”
Jeongguk can feel the same old sinking feeling, and he thought he would have gotten used to it by now considering Jimin has been seeing Junho for six months now. In his defense, he thought they wouldn’t last anyway. But here Jimin is, saying he’s moving in with Junho.
He really doesn’t know what to feel, but to be completely honest, he feels like a fucking clown.
Jeongguk goes to see Hoseok much later that night (after telling Jimin that he has something to do, a classic and implausible lie, but that’s about all that he could come up with anyway). Jeongguk then tells Hoseok about everything that Jimin told him, resulting in something Jeongguk isn’t exactly fond of hearing. Because Hoseok is suggesting that Jeongguk should try to move on.
“I don't even know if I can do that. I mean, I’ve been stupidly in love with him for like six years now, how am I supposed to believe that one day I’ll be able to not be in love with him anymore?” Jeongguk argues.
“ You never know if you never try~ ” Hoseok sings to Adele’s One and Only , and Jeongguk rolls his eyes. Hoseok huffs a laugh and punches Jeongguk’s shoulder lightly. “I’m serious. I love Jimin, we all do, that boy is a sunshine, but he’s dating now and I guess it’s pretty serious since they're moving in, right?”
“It’s only three to four days a week.” Jeongguk quotes what Jimin had said.
“Whatever. My point is, you should try getting over him. I hate to see you like this.” Hoseok sips his beer and Jeongguk shoots him a look.
“Like what?”
“Heartbroken. You're ugly when you're heartbroken. And it’s been years!” Hoseok jokes, but it really isn’t a joke. It has indeed been years.
“Yeah alright.” Jeongguk laughs, but only momentarily because then his mind is a thousand miles away. Is he really going to do this? Is he really going to bring himself to try getting over Jimin? Can he even do that? And is the clock right? It’s almost 11 and he gotta get some rest and leave Hoseok be. “I gotta go.”
“Okay.” Hoseok watches Jeongguk taking his things and getting ready. “I'm serious, Jeongguk.”
“I know, hyung.” Jeongguk knows, really. He knows he has to move on, one way or another.
But can he really do that?
⚡︎
Jeongguk has been trying to get it off his mind for a few weeks, but to no avail. He still thinks about it, and if he’s being honest, he hasn’t even been trying that hard. He still hangs out with Jimin most of the time just because he enjoys being with him and he loves seeing him smile. He knows he’s just dreading everything, but he can’t help it.
Though, day by day, he feels like a fool.
One Thursday night, Jeongguk is picking Jimin up at the hospital, and he sees Jimin waiting by the hospital lobby with Junho. Junho doesn't look entirely fond of Jeongguk. His piercing glare at Jeongguk tells that a lot. They almost never utter a word at each other, but it’s a clear mutual understanding that they dislike each other to some extent.
“Bye!” Jimin waves to Junho, quickly stepping off the stairs to walk toward Jeongguk. Somehow Jimin looks like he wants to escape, but Jeongguk has too much on his mind to think of it further.
As Jimin’s arms are wrapped tightly– way too tight around his waist, Jeongguk can feel his chest tightens. He doesn't know what he’s doing all these years, holding onto his feelings like a kid holding his favorite toy. He would be lying if he said he didn’t need to be reciprocated, because there is nothing else in this world he wants more than to be able to hold Jimin’s hand and kiss him. But Hoseok’s words are echoing in his mind, and they echo loudly, and the traffic sounds are all background noise to him now.
“You should try getting over him. He’s dating now and I guess it’s pretty serious since they're moving in, right?”
Junho looked like he was ready to kick Jeongguk right in his face earlier, and he probably has every right to, since he’s Jimin’s boyfriend when Jeongguk is just a friend. Somehow it has become clearer to him that perhaps, unfortunately, he does really need to move on.
“Dinner?” Jimin asks as hops off Jeongguk’s motorbike and takes off his helmet, holding onto it and not giving it to Jeongguk right away. “And movie night?” Jimin’s looking at him with puppy-kitty eyes and it takes everything in Jeongguk not to give in. He’d love to come over for dinner, just like he always does, but he can’t, right? He shouldn't. He gotta start somewhere. So Jeongguk just smiles. “Maybe next time?”
“Why, you have something to do?” Jimin pries, but Jeongguk doesn’t give in. It’s hard, it’s so fucking hard. He wants to come inside, have dinner with Jimin, watch movies and cuddle just like they always do.
“Next time, hyung.”
“Okay.” Jimin’s lips make a small pout and he looks unsure, but he huffs a defeated breath through his nose. “Promise?”
Jeongguk gives him a smile, and perhaps a look that shouldn’t last a second too long. “I’ll see you around!”
This, Jeongguk decides, is the part where he needs to move on, whether he likes it or not. He never got the chance to think of his feelings and now he has to.
He has to move on.
And in doing so, he needs to stay away from Jimin.