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He sees her in glimpses.
He sees her in glimpses in the train when he comes home from work. When the sunset turns to twilight, her big dark yellow eyes still shine like two enormous solar orbs, the red ribbon in her hair makes prisoners out of his eyes and his heart skips a bit. She is but a stranger, then why does his heart ache?
It’s a beautiful autumn day, when he takes Kazui to the park, and the high school girls walk under the falling leaves.
Suddenly he feels dread, he feels like he’s in a fight, he feels like a giant golden arrow should stir the leaves in a deadly beautiful display.
He walks, he turns, he thinks he heard a laugh. What just the wind whispering his name? He suddenly and acutely feels the need for Rukia’s comforting hand on his shoulder.
“What’s happening with me Rukia?’’ He is frightened just like when he was a child. But it doesn’t matter, Rukia is here, the one that always know what to say, the one always on his side, the one he believes blindly, the one he’ll fallow anywhere, the one he can’t forget. She puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes, but they are past the time when she had all the answers. His face contorts in a grimace when she says that maybe he should consult Urahara.
He feels like he has love and lost, he feels like he should mourn a dead, like he failed to protect.
He sees Rukia beautiful mane of black hair, lovely big eyes and larger than life attitude and just for a moment he thinks that she is someone else. But who? He struggles to remember, but he doesn’t know what he has forgotten.
He is startled by Orihime’s laugh, as it over imposes on another in his mind. Why did he expected right now her beautiful laugh to be different? Why does the pitch of every woman’s laugh feels wrong this days?
He sees glimpses of a high-school girl on a ferriswheel, and he wonders how perverted he has to be to notice her. But why does she look perfect in every way, why does he feel like he knows her? In another time, in another place he is sure that he would love her. If he was a high-school student…
He mentally kicks himself.
She comes closer, passing him and Orihime by, sheltered between two obviously adoring parents.
This close she looks suspiciously as an older Ichika might. Is that it? Is he really just a pervert? Is he actually in love with Rukia AND Renji, is this the thing that his subconscious mind refuses to bring to the light?
He wants to laugh. He knows that he has met this girl long before Ichika was even borne.
He leaves Orihime behind with a kiss.
He wonders the city.
His feet carry him to Kisuke. Why does Rukia always have to be right?
“ Don’t ask for answers you don’t really want, Kurosaki.’’
But he relents.
His first love, his first lover, sacrificed herself to save him, and the world he inhabits. How could he have forgotten her?
He remembers now. He had such a short time to mourn her, his only friend his only solace in the sea of despair.
Then he forgot her. How could he? There is no excuse.
He walks . He wonders, he finds himself in front of Rukia’s office.
“Don’t blame yourself Ichigo. You literally have nothing to blame yourself for. It was the fault of the laws of being, you are the man less deserving of blame that I know. Rukia’s hand is set comfortingly on his shoulder, just like it was the first time he mourned Senna. She was here then, she is here now, and he knows it in his bones that she will be here whenever he needs her.
But something breaks in him, he’s ashamed of being ashamed of talking to the all forgiving Orihime, he hates himself for making Rukia sad with his sadness, his weakness. Weakness, he was then to weak to save Senna.
He gets mad, he came here for a punch, a roundhouse-kick to the face ,at least for some shouting.
Rukia feels the change in him. His teeth rattle.
“ Did I stutter you moron? I said that you’re not to blame.’’
Another kick and he’s down.
With surprising strength she picks him up by his clothes, she breaths in his face with righteous furry.
“It’s not your fault.’’ She backhands him so hard that his lip is bleeding.
“Don’t make me beat the guilt out of you. ‘’ She drops him in apparent disgust.
“Go home, maybe now you will be finally able to process this as an adult and not a sniveling brat.”
But at night, even while he puts to rest the restored memory of Senna, even as he understands that it wasn’t his fault, other questions start to rise screaming for answers.
Two big purple eyes float in his face. ‘Alright Rukia, it wasn’t my fault that she died, it wasn’t my fault even that I forgot about her.
BUT, why didn’t I forget about you? Why even when all the worlds forgot you, when your brother and future husband believed you’re a stranger, I remembered you? Why are you the one that I believe blindly, the one that I fallow anywhere?’
He turns his head to the peacefully sleeping Orihime, and wonders if the destiny will separate them, he will remember or he will forget about her. He hugs her closer, and hopes he’ll never have the answer to the question. The purple eyes fallow him into sleep.