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At least I have company when he's by my side.
He was doing it again. Running away, incapable of taking it anymore. Seeking comfort in someone he knew he shouldn't get used to getting it from.
Just to avoid loneliness…
He knew he shouldn't, but here he was again, knocking on Jaehyun's door.
He'd asked earlier; are you going to be home tonight?
Yes.
Even if Jaehyun might've had plans, he would've still said yes. Jungwoo was unaware of that. He chose to be clueless since he was used to that kind of pain. It couldn't hurt that much being rejected if he downgraded his feelings.
It was alright.
"Door's unlocked, come in!"
He smiled despite himself when he smelled something being cooked before seeing Jaehyun at the stove with his back to him, stirring the food.
"Hi," Jungwoo took his shoes and jacket off, leaving them at the door.
Jaehyun hummed, feeling the other walking closer and hugging him from behind. "It's almost ready," I'm so grateful I won't be eating alone tonight. Again. He thought.
"Smells good, as usual," Jungwoo inhaled, so close to his neck that Jaehyun couldn't be sure if he was talking about the food or smelling his new cherry blossom lotion.
"Mm, you can sit, I'll bring the food in a minute."
What wouldn't Jungwoo do to have this without feeling guilty. To have Jaehyun to himself in every sense of the word. It sounded selfish. Jaehyun was already someone he could rely on, he almost couldn't understand why he wanted more. He'd beat himself up for it every time he'd think about it because it's not okay. I can't do that. I should get a grip and never cross the line. Jaehyun deserves better than that. He's too busy to deal with me in that way.
Why would I be such a fool…
"Thank you for the food, you didn't tell me you're cooking,"
Jaehyun took their empty plates, washing them quickly because he'd promised himself not to leave dishes in the sink anymore.
"Yeah, I was actually preparing it while we talked on the phone,"
"It tasted really good, I'm going to need dessert soon,"
Jaehyun chuckled and shook his head, more at the way Jungwoo said it with a serious and determined look like absolutely nothing would stop him from getting what he wanted.
"You can have it." You can have anything you want.
Naturally, Jungwoo did.
Being with Jaehyun was better than anything he had in his life.
jungwoo
i'm sorry
jaehyun
What are you sorry for?
I'm just an empty night that lost its moon.
jungwoo
jaehyun…
jaehyun
Did something happen?
jungwoo
no, no, nothing like that
don't worry
jaehyun
Okay…
jungwoo
is it okay
if i come over tonight?
jaehyun
I'll be waiting for you.
Jaehyun found himself even more lost than he already felt. Can you just let me hear what you want? Why wouldn't Jungwoo just talk to him properly… Why was Jaehyun such a coward and wouldn't start the conversation himself… He couldn't.
The wound was getting deeper but he couldn't resist causing himself yet another one. He couldn't stop. It almost felt like an addiction, like nothing else possibly could come out of it than pain. And he was ready for it, expected it, anticipated it.
He wanted happiness too. It sounded unattainable.
You do what you do with what you have.
When Jungwoo knocked on his door, he got up to open it this time.
The other's eyes were almost watery, a little too sad than what he was used to seeing.
"Jae…"
His heart immediately cracked, he didn't even know the reason.
Jaehyun didn't speak, just caught Jungwoo's arm and pulled him inside enough to close the door behind him.
"Yes, baby?"
"I'm sorry,"
There it was again.
Jungwoo wanted to hug Jaehyun, badly, but he also needed to look at him while he was talking.
"I'm sorry for… for using you," He sniffled. "For not considering you enough every time I asked for something… I'm sorry for hiding things from you,"
Jaehyun was visibly confused, afraid to go closer. "How did you use me? It was my decision every time too,"
"I just…"
"You don't have to apologize for that, you know,"
Jungwoo couldn't stop himself anymore, he closed the little distance there was, grasping Jaehyun tight as if he'd run otherwise, disappear from between his fingers.
"You mean so much to me, I'm sorry… I had to tell you, I just couldn't… I really… really care about you so much, I want to show you that I do, I can't keep doing this… I want to take care of you too. When you need it… Please,"
"Woo, it's okay-"
"No, no, you don't understand," He pulled away enough to hold eye contact that isn't blurry to them both. "You're… You're the only one to me, alright? I want you to be mine. I can't do this anymore, Jae… I feel like I'm going to explode every time I keep the truth from you… Every time I wonder if you want the same thing or not at all… I like you, I like you more than what we're doing sums up,"
Jaehyun had no idea what to say besides holding Jungwoo tighter, bunching up his shirt with his fists so he wouldn't just finally cry even though he didn't do it often.
"I do understand…" He looked down. "I do…" The pain was different now.
"... You do?"
"Yes…"
"Are you okay?"
It was a losing game as soon as he'd started it. That's it. Jaehyun thought as the first tear fell on the carpet.
"Yeah,"
"Are you-"
"Hold me, please."
And Jungwoo did. Tighter than any other time, gathering all of their pieces back together, hoping they could fit them in the right places. He didn't want to leave this time. He didn't want to leave at all.
He wanted to promise he'd love Jaehyun forever. He knew he'd try his best. Before he could say it, he had to act like it. Jaehyun's cries were like little stabs to his heart, penetrating deeper every time.
If I'm ever the reason for this again, I'd simply have to stop existing.
He rubbed the other's back and kissed behind his ear. "You deserve the world, Jae,"
"I was okay with what I was getting…"
Jungwoo pulled away a bit, they were still touching. "I was okay too, until I wasn't. Do you want to be with me? Truly. No running away, no leaving after,"
"I'd love to, yes. I want to,"
"Okay," Jungwoo smiled, taking Jaehyun's face between his palms and pulling him in until their noses touched. He closed his eyes, letting his lips search for themselves until they collided softly with Jaehyun's.