Work Text:
Yoongi’s POV.
He watches his tissue fall next to the trash can. Damn it . He can’t even aim anymore. But Yoongi is too lazy to pick it up, too lazy to get up from his chair. It’s his studio anyway, so it’s not like anyone will tell him to clean after himself. He is exhausted. He’s had coffee, decaffeinated coffee, lemon tea, ginger tea, an energy drink… nothing seems to help. His throat hurts and his head is pounding. But the deadlines remain.
“Fuck.”
His watch indicates 19:04 and he ponders whether or not he should go back home. He knows that some of the boys will be down at the dorm tonight, and yet he can’t bring himself to look forward to leaving the company. Yoongi knows that something is wrong with him, but it’s not like he doesn’t know what it is. He just has to push through. He sighs. It’s no use staying any longer, so he closes the tabs and quickly writes down any progress he made. He’s not inspired like he usually was at this point, and although he has composed more than half of the song, he finds that it doesn’t sound like him. The rapper almost hopes that the company rejects it. He’s never not been proud of his work, but right now he feels like he’s writing for the sake of writing. The words are meaningless and he’s just so, so tired. He needs to get up.
It’s another 3 minutes before Yoongi picks up his tissue by the door, and then he’s on his way to the dorm. A silent taxi ride later, he finds himself spacing out in the elevator where Jungkook got stuck a few years ago. He doesn’t know why his mind wanders so far back, but his eyes are unfocused and his head hurts. Maybe he should have let his dongsaengs know that he would be home. Or maybe he shouldn’t have headed to the dorm since he’s definitely coming up with something. He clears his throat a few times before pushing the door open.
“Yoongiiii!” Jungkook is quick to welcome him.
“Yoongi- hyung -”
“You’re alive! We haven’t seen you in forever, hyung!”
“Ah, yeah- Well, I’m here now…” he replies, shy under the maknae’s attention. “Anyone ordered food yet?”
“Hobi-hyung was about to! He should be in the kitchen!”
As Jungkook runs away to Taehyung who’s calling him down the hall, Yoongi takes it as an opportunity to let out a cough he had been holding in. He sighs when he realises that he really caught a cold and that the itch in his throat only seems to be getting worse. Maybe I should wear a mask. But then that would make it obvious . He drags his feet to the kitchen, where he sees Hoseok standing near the window with his Ipad, most likely looking through the menu of a random Korean restaurant offering 2-for-1 dumplings. He doesn’t see Yoongi coming in.
“Jungkook told me you’d be here.”
“Hyung! You’re alive!”
“He said the same thing… Come on Hoba, I haven’t disappeared off the face of the Earth! I’ve just been… I was busy.”
“Hm, sure. Are you hungry?”
“You don’t believe me.” Yoongi states, matter-of-factly.
“When was the last time you answered my texts? Or any of us? Our last call was 12 days ago, hyung!”
“Oh…”
“Yeah- Are you hungry? I’m ordering from-”
“I- yeah, I’ll have what you’re having.”
The younger rapper doesn’t look at him but he gives him a small smile. Good job, Yoongi. The guilt creeps in as he realises that he has been a bad hyung to his members, and a bad friend as well. He also hasn’t been very professional, and the worst part is, he had no idea that it had been that long since he last gave any of the boys a second of his attention. He’s only been going back and forth between his bed and the studio and he felt like a zombie on most days. But he doesn’t say anything. He’s waiting for it to pass. So he asks Hoseok who’s home. His dongsaeng tells him that it’s just them, Jungkook and Taehyung. The others might join them tomorrow, but that’s also far from certain. Everyone is quite busy these days. Yoongi nods.
He makes small talk with his dongsaengs until the food arrives, and then they gather around the table. And Yoongi can’t help but stare at Taehyung. When the youngest calls him out after zoning out for a whole two minutes, he feels the blush spreading on his cheeks and he apologises weakly, hoping that everyone can overlook his silence and the weird stares. Seokjin would tease him and joke about him having a crush on the younger man, despite knowing it isn’t true. But Seokjin isn’t here and instead it’s Hoseok who sits in front of him. He gives him an understanding smile and Yoongi does his best to look away. It makes him frown, how well his dongsaeng can read him. But he doesn’t mention anything. Next to him, Jungkook starts talking about the latest barbecue he’s been to with Jimin and Yoongi focuses really hard on his description of every dish they’ve ever tried- he’ll do anything to avoid the questioning gaze that is thrown his way. But when he coughs right before his last dumpling, he knows that it’s game over for him.
“Hyung, are you sick?” Taehyung is the first to ask.
“You should have told us you were sick!” Jungkook pipes in.
“I just choked on my dumpling… Hyung’s fine.” Yoongi replies, clearing his throat. “What were you saying?”
“Oh, hmm, right- then we went skating!”
Jungkook goes on about his day and Taehyung then tells them about his latest writing session. Hoseok joins them and talks about his own time in the studio. Yoongi pays attention to them, to everything they say. He’s catching up on what happened in the last few days. But he’s also bothered by the itch to cough every two seconds. He doesn’t want them to know that he’s gotten sick. They sound happy and busy and he can’t let his troubles interrupt their daily lives. He’s tired . And he needs to cough. He hums along to whatever his dongsaengs are saying, realising that he’s lost track of the story. His head hurts.
“Thanks for the food, Hobi-hyung! See you in the morning!”
“Ya, Jungkook-ah! Try to be quiet, ok? I know you’re super competitive and you haven't gamed with Taehyungie in a long time, but we’re only two doors down and I’d like to sleep tonight…”
“Okay!”
Yoongi watches the two youngest members walk away with a fond smile. Taehyung looks so excited to play with their maknae. They’ve been apart for a while. With everyone having their own apartments, they couldn’t see each other as often as they used to. And Bangtan had been sharing the same dorm for nearly a decade, to the point where living apart almost felt wrong. Yet the members had grown up and gotten their own places, and while Yoongi was thankful for the privacy, he definitely felt the loneliness creeping in from time to time. Being with the members felt like home, a home he hadn’t realised he was missing.
“Jiminie won’t be home tonight. You can be my roommate if you want.”
As if he read my mind.
“I’m not sure he’d-”
“Come on, hyung!” Hobi interrupts him. “Jimin won’t mind. Let’s go!”
Alright then. He lets himself get dragged to Hoseok’s room, silently thankful for the company. The younger man pulls out his computer, makes him listen to a file he's been working on lately. Yoongi gives him some advice and waits for the dancer to talk some more. But Hoseok doesn’t. Instead, he looks up at him expectantly. And then he frowns.
“You’re sick, aren’t you? You’re too quiet.”
“I’m not- ah… Talking makes me want to cough…” Yoongi admits. “Sorry.”
“You should have said something! Hyung…”
“I’m fine, Hoba. It’s just a cough.”
“Still!” his dongsaeng shakes his head. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding us all week?”
Yoongi nods. It’s partly true. The cough is recent, and it’s not the reason he’s been holed up in his studio all week. Fine, it’s not true. But he didn’t mean to avoid his dongsaengs… The insistent gaze on his right reminds him exactly why he keeps to himself: he hates the attention, the pity. It’ll pass anyway. No really he’ll be fine, so long as he doesn’t think about-
“Do you wanna sleep? It’s late and you can probably use the rest…”
No .
“Ah- sure.” he replies instead. “I mean, we don’t have to go to sleep now -”
Please .
“Hyung, you look ready to pass out.” Hobi argues. “And you keep coughing… please go to sleep! And don’t worry about Jimin’s sheets, we’ll wash everything tomorrow, yeah?”
Jimin . No, don’t think about-
“O-ok. Goodnight, Hoba.”
“Night-night!”
Hoseok’s right. He is ready to pass out. His body has been screaming for rest and yet Yoongi knows that once again, he won’t be able to get any. He knows what will happen, he has come to distrust his brain altogether. Yet Yoongi closes his eyes, hoping that the younger man’s presence might help him catch a little bit of peace. Next to him, he hears Hoseok plug his phone and roll around in bed. He puts his computer away, grabs the blanket and yawns loudly. And then his dongsaeng goes quiet, his breathing evening out. Yoongi lets it lull him to sleep.
It’s cold. When he looks down, a hand is intertwined with his. He grabbed it, Yoongi knows he did. He remembers. The hand in his is limp, cold, bruised. But he won’t let go of it no matter what. Something pulls him away, the hand slips out of his reach. He tries to fight but he can’t move. He blinks. Yoongi is back in the parking lot. He watches Jimin run around the car happily and Taehyung giggles next to him. Yoongi wants to scream but he can’t. He can’t warn them. They were so happy before- He blinks. He is back in the car. Everything is wet. Sejin’s air is wet under the rain. Taehyung’s face is wet with blood. Jimin’s face is wet with tears. And Yoongi screams, but no sound comes out.
He’s in the hospital. It’s so cold. Somewhere to his right, a nurse is talking to him. But whatever she’s saying is not important. Yoongi’s hands are covered with blood. The car is wrecked. The hospital is cold. His hand rests on his lap. No, his hand is wrapped around Jimin’s. There are glass shards all over his skin. And then there aren’t. There’s blood on his hands. Why won’t it go away? He looks to his left. Jimin is screaming at him. He blinks. Another nurse has joined the first. He blinks, Jimin’s lips are turning blue. Yoongi’s hands are painted red, and he feels so cold. He’s not sure where he is. The sight of Jimin and Taehyung won’t leave him. He upset the nurse. They try to restrain him but he fights them.
He scrunches his face, covers his ears. When he tries to reach for Jimin’s hands again, his fingers pass through him. Like a ghost, he can’t feel the skin under him. His voice is silent. When he tries to comfort him, the younger man only cries harder. Yoongi is helpless. He can only watch as his dongsaeng stares into his soul. Next to him, Taehyung still hasn’t moved. Red all over his face, all over his arms. All over his hands. And then Jimin goes limp. The silence is deafening. Yoongi has left the hospital. Gotta save them. But his screams can’t be heard. It’s just Yoongi and the rain. And blood-
“-ng, Hyung? Hyung!”
Yoongi sits up with a gasp, almost headbutting Hoseok as he does. In the dark, he doesn’t quite know where he is and he eyes the room frantically, looking for answers right and left. Yoongi is terrified, once again completely at the mercy of his memories. He chokes on a sob and he is all too familiar with the tears that start trailing down his cheeks. His eyes fall to his dongsaeng’s face, right next to him. Yoongi doesn’t know what Hoseok is saying, he’s breathing too loudly to make out his words.
“Hyung! Yoongi-hyung, you’re ok, you’re ok! It’s ok, you’re home!”
Yoongi’s brain doesn’t register his words, he’s too busy trying to stop his own crying. But his lungs are failing at catching any air and it starts to hurt. And, before he knows it, his cough is back in full force. Yoongi shakes his head, still panting. Through the small crack of light coming from the window, Hoseok can see the horror on his face and the exhaustion creeping in. Before he can see him move, Yoongi is wrapped in his arms, a hand softly combing through his hair and holding him close. His only response is a whimper, and he knows that Hoseok’s shirt will be ruined.
“Try taking deep breaths, hyung. You’re hyperventilating. Hyung? Yoongi?” Hoseok calls him quietly, to no avail. “Come on- breathe in, breathe out. In… out….”
The rapper is pliant in his dongsaeng’s arms, solely focusing on drawing air in his stupid lungs in between coughs. It’s another minute before the heartbeat in his ears quiets down, and another one before he straightens up to look at Hoseok. Carefully, he looks up to meet his eyes and attempts to break the silence. His silence. But the dancer is faster, and maybe he does read him like a book.
“Hyung… How long have you been having nightmares for?”
“A-” his throat is dry and his voice croaks out painfully. “A-about 4 months now.”
“ What ? Ever since the incident?” Hoseok asks, knowing the answer all too well. “Did you… Have you told your therapist?”
“He retired.”
“He what ?
“He retired.” Yoongi repeats, shame all over his face. “I thought I would be ok so I… I’m usually ok o-on my own. I don’t know why- why it doesn’t work…”
“Hyung…”
Hoseok’s arms are around him again. They ground him to Jimin’s bed, to their bedroom in the dorm. Far away from the company’s car and the countryside road that cost their driver his life, Yoongi is safe. He knows he is, yet he can’t stop the tremors that travel through his body. Taehyung is safe. Jimin is safe. They made it.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” his dongsaeng offers. “You don’t have to, if it makes you feel worse…”
He nods.
“It’s… it’s always the same thing. I’m always jumping between flashes of that day … Sometimes I’m stuck in the car, sometimes I’m surrounded by doctors and nurses…S-sometimes I’m still in the parking lot and I try to warn them and avoid the crash b-but I can’t. It never works . There’s also the times when I’m at all three places at once and it’s just so …scary.”
“Fuck… why didn’t you say something! We could have helped you, hyung!” Hoseok complains, but his eyes are mostly filled with regret. “We left you on your own because we thought it was best… We didn’t know…”
“I thought it would work too… it just didn’t. I’ve been in the studio a lot. But it-it’s useless!” Yoongi’s voice cracks. “I’ve just made myself sick. I’m so fucking tired! I’m behind on schedules too… I wrote something I don’t like and that’s all I can submit. That’s not… that’s not me, Hoba.”
-Help me.
“I can help with the song. Namjoon too. Just… How about I help you book an appointment tomorrow morning?”
“An appointment?”
“You need to sleep. And now you’re coughing. I’m surprised you haven’t fainted already, hyung.”
Yoongi gives him a small smile. Hoseok always knows how to take care of him. Ever since their pre-debut days, he’s been someone he could rely on. He brings simple solutions for every complex problem they’ve ever had. Even now, the younger man caresses his back in soft circles, probably having noticed the goosebumps that haven’t left Yoongi’s skin. Hoseok smiles back at him.
“Will you let us take care of you?”
“I guess I could try.”
“It’s ok not to be ok, you know?”
He hums in reply. Hoseok’s right. He knows that he would tell him the same were their positions reversed. So he lets himself get dragged to his dongsaeng’s bed. He lets himself get manhandled into a small spoon and he lets Hoseok hold him tight as they go back to sleep. And he lets go . He knows that he can trust him to take care of him if the nightmares come back. And he knows that he’ll also be there in the morning to help him walk to the clinic. Yoongi is in good hands, and he trusts Hoseok to accompany him during every step of his recovery. The journey won’t be easy and it might not have a proper destination, but through his struggles and his progress, Yoongi knows that the members will walk alongside him. They can take the pain away, as they always have. Maybe all he needs to heal is a shoulder to cry on.
“Sleep well, Hoba.”
And thank you.