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Prologue
They’re in their first year of high school and Junta is watching Aoyagi play a Legend of Zelda game. He doesn’t know which one, and he doesn’t ask. Instead, he watches as Aoyagi navigates the world of Hyrule as the protagonist, defeating monsters and saving people. Aoyagi the protagonist. Junta thinks that Aoyagi is the exact kind of person anyone would want as a hero. Quiet, smart, kind. He wonders if Aoyagi ever feels like a hero when he plays games. He wonders if he himself would ever feel like one. If Aoyagi ever sees him as one, or if he ever would.
Junta doesn’t think so.
Aoyagi nudges him suddenly, and he looks over to see an accusation written on his friend’s face. The game isn’t paused, the grass Aoyagi hasn’t cut down yet still blowing in the virtual wind, but that’s probably fine for Link. Aoyagi would have paused if there was a chance of danger.
“I thought you don’t like when I ramble while you’re concentrating on a game,” Junta jokes.
Aoyagi huffs and looks away. Junta can hear the That’s not true in the breath. Aoyagi looks back and Junta understands that it’s too quiet.
“Okay, I get it, you’re a video game master,” he laughs. “This isn’t a game you have to focus on. Do you want to hear about the new cafe I tried?”
His answer is given in the form of a pleased hum and Aoyagi goes back to his game. Junta starts talking. It’s what he knows how to do best.
From that day on, Junta is obsessed with the idea of being Aoyagi’s hero.
First Year
Aoyagi has always been quiet, and Junta loves that about him. He wouldn’t be the same person if he were a chatterbox. There’s a certain beauty in the fact that Aoyagi doesn’t need words to communicate. There’s an even greater beauty in Junta’s ability to understand, a talent that not many people seem to have. It’s Junta’s only talent, he thinks, other than talking. Junta decided long ago that Aoyagi’s silence is a great thing, and he doesn’t see why anyone else thinks otherwise.
Teachers always try to force the words out of Aoyagi. His answers are always clipped short and obviously uncomfortable, but that never stops them from trying. They all think they can be the one to make Aoyagi come out of his shell. Even worse are their classmates. The girls all think Aoyagi is cool and mysterious because of his silence. They’re always too intimidated to talk to him directly, so they all talk to Junta in hopes that it will persuade Aoyagi to join in. It never works.
The biggest problem is the guys, who all try to talk to Aoyagi about sports, cute girls, or even math homework. Aoyagi just isn’t into any of that. The only sport he enjoys is cycling, but it isn’t popular. He always copies Junta’s math homework in the mornings, so he never knows how to answer questions about how he solved it. As for the girls, well. Junta isn’t positive, but he doesn’t think Aoyagi has ever had a crush on one.
One classmate in particular seems hellbent on getting Aoyagi to talk. His name is Satori and he’s one of the most popular guys in their grade. Junta can’t figure out why. He’s annoying to talk to and not enjoyable to look at. He’s on a sports team, but Junta can’t remember which one. He only knows his name because every week, he tries to talk to Aoyagi during lunch.
They talk about it one day while cycling.
“I just don’t understand why they keep trying to get you to talk,” Junta complains.
Aoyagi gives him a look.
“Don’t lie to me,” Junta says. “I can see it. It even isn’t just me this time—everyone can see it—they just ignore it. They just don’t care.”
Aoyagi shrugs and Junta huffs. “Even if you don’t care, I do. They shouldn’t make you so uncomfortable on purpose.”
“It’s okay,” Aoyagi mumbles, and the conversation is over. They ride in silence. As usual, it only lasts a few moments before Junta is opening his mouth again.
“I’m going to tell him something next time,” he decides.
Aoyagi shoots him an annoyed glance.
“He shouldn’t treat you like that,” Junta says. He can feel his irritation mounting. His cadence picks up, and Aoyagi mimics it easily. He also shoots him a harder look.
“Fine,” Junta grumbles. “I won’t make a scene.”
Aoyagi seems content then, and the conversation ends for good as they fall back into formation for the final stretch of the route. Junta can’t focus on cycling. If Aoyagi can tell, he doesn’t mention it.
Junta makes a scene.
He keeps his promise for three days. Those three days were excruciating; listening to Satori talk about a wrestling match and an action movie and his favorite girl in their school could be classified as its own form of torture. Junta can tell Aoyagi feels the same way. Even though he never gets a reply, Satori keeps going, undeterred.
On the fourth day, Junta decides he can’t take it anymore.
“What’s the point of talking to him if he isn’t responding?” Junta asks.
Satori raises an eyebrow. “Does it look like I’m talking to you?”
“It looks like you’re talking to yourself,” Junta says. “Aoyagi isn’t talking to you. He obviously doesn’t want to.”
“He will,” Satori says.
“He won’t,” Junta insists. “Why don’t you just go bother someone else?”
Aoyagi is staring at him. He wants Junta to stop.
“If you were as smart as you think you are, you would be friends with someone who can talk at least half as much as you do,” Satori snaps.
Aoyagi wants Junta to stop. He can feel the daggers that Aoyagi is staring into him.
Junta doesn’t stop.
“And if you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn’t try to cheat off my math tests every week,” Junta snaps back loudly. “So I guess we all have our burdens to bear, don’t we?”
The entire class goes silent, staring at the three in the front of the class. Aoyagi looks like he wants to sink into the floor. Satori is fuming. He opens his mouth to retort, but a figure behind him puts a hand on his shoulder. All eyes move to their teacher, who leads Satori out of the classroom silently before the situation can escalate.
Junta finally looks at Aoyagi.
“I’m not apologizing,” he says decisively.
Aoyagi glares at him. Has Aoyagi ever been mad at him?
“I’ll apologize a little bit,” Junta concedes.
Aoyagi’s glare softens. Junta offers him a rice ball, and the glare drops completely. He’s still annoyed, but Junta isn’t sorry. He could never be sorry for standing up for Aoyagi. A few moments later, the class goes back to their previous conversations. A few minutes after that, the teacher returns. Junta can see Aoyagi tense up in worry, but Junta doesn’t get called out of the classroom, so it’s a win in his book.
On their way to Aoyagi’s house after school, Junta apologizes. A little bit.
“I’m sorry, but I’m only sorry for making you upset. I’m not sorry for getting him in trouble or telling him off.”
Aoyagi rolls his eyes. That’s not the point, his face says.
“I saved you,” Junta tries. “That makes me your knight in shining armor, like those cliché romance movies your mom likes to watch.”
An eyebrow raise.
“Maybe your knight in dull armor,” Junta concedes. “Armor that just needs a little polish.”
“Leather armor,” Aoyagi says.
Junta is affronted. “I saved you! I don’t get at least iron armor? Gold armor?”
Aoyagi shakes his head. “You embarrassed me,” he says with a bit of annoyance still tracing his voice. There’s a smile on his face though, so Junta knows that he secretly enjoyed it. Junta smiles back.
“Okay, leather armor,” he agrees. They fall silent. Junta isn’t Aoyagi’s hero. He knows that. But maybe this proves that he could be. He has the potential to be. Aoyagi was embarrassed in class, but Junta is selfishly pleased with his actions, knowing Satori won’t bother Aoyagi anymore. More than that, he enjoys Aoyagi’s smile, soft and sweet and just for him. He basks in the warmth of it.
“Wooden sword,” Aoyagi says suddenly.
“Hey!”
Second Year
They’re in their second year of high school and they’re sitting on the couch in Junta’s living room. The lights are off and the popcorn is hot while a race plays on the screen. Junta’s notebook is on his lap as he fills it with notes. Aoyagi is on his left. He isn’t taking notes, but he’s watching the race intently and his 3DS is forgotten next to him, the music still playing softly.
Junta takes a moment to stop watching the race and watch Aoyagi instead. He’s already seen this one anyway. He’s watching it again so Aoyagi can see a specific riding technique they discussed during class yesterday, and his note-taking is more for show than anything. A few pages in the notebook are already filled with information from this race. Aoyagi’s brows are furrowed slightly, leaving a crease between them. He’s wearing his favorite shirt—the one with the exclamation point, because it’s soft—and his mouth is full of popcorn. His cheek is puffed out slightly. He’s chewing, but slowly, as if trying to give as much of his concentration to the race as possible.
Junta pokes his cheek.
Aoyagi jerks away for a second, looking surprised, and Junta laughs. Aoyagi throws a piece of popcorn at his head. Junta tackles him and they fall into the couch, Junta on top of Aoyagi. He’s already managed to shove a handful of popcorn against his closed mouth in retaliation before he realizes how close they are. Aoyagi is struggling, but not very much, and he has popcorn crumbs and butter all over his mouth now. It’s not ideal for kissing. It’s actually a little gross. Junta wants to kiss him anyway.
Aoyagi manages to catch Junta off-guard, and suddenly Junta is hitting the ground. He lands on his back. Aoyagi peeks over the side of the couch at him, and Junta thinks that this would be an ideal way to die. Looking up at Aoyagi, the cheap lighting of his house giving him an almost halo of light around his hair. A small, victorious smile on his face while Junta’s heart pounds. It’s moments like these that Junta lives for.
Then Aoyagi’s phone is ringing, and the moment is broken. Aoyagi answers with a quiet “Hi, Mom,” while Junta clambers back onto the couch.
“No,” Aoyagi says into the phone, looking confused. A few moments of silence pass, during which Aoyagi grows increasingly worried, and then Aoyagi’s mom is back on the line.
“He must have gotten out through the front door,” Junta can hear Aoyagi’s mom say. Aoyagi almost looks sick.
“I didn’t mean to,” he says, and Junta can actually feel the fear that Aoyagi is exuding, and it’s suffocating. “I thought I heard the click.”
Suddenly, the situation clicks into place in Junta’s mind. Aoyagi’s mom must have been talking about Basenji. Aoyagi’s dog. Aoyagi’s favorite living creature on the entire planet. Aoyagi must have left the front door open that morning when he was running late to get to school. Junta is putting his hand on Aoyagi’s shoulder before he realizes what he’s doing, and Aoyagi leans into it. Junta would have analyzed that moment if not for the voice of Aoyagi’s mom coming through the phone just then.
“Why not take your bikes and go looking for him?” She suggests. “He couldn’t have gotten far. I’ll double-check to make sure nothing was taken from the house in the meantime.”
Junta and Aoyagi are out the front door before Junta can even tell his own mom that they’re leaving, and his phone remains on the couch.
They can’t find Basenji.
Aoyagi is crushed. They search for hours. They search multiple neighborhoods. They finally have to call it quits when Aoyagi’s mom calls again and tells him to come home and try again tomorrow. Junta isn’t sure, but he thinks Aoyagi is just starting to cry as he walks sullenly into his house.
Junta keeps searching. He wants to be the one to find Basenji. The one who makes Aoyagi smile when he sees him again.
After what has to be several hours later, he decides he has to call it quits too. He’s so tired he’s about to fall asleep while riding, and Basenji is still nowhere to be found. It’s likely that someone found him and picked him up, Junta thinks.
When he turns onto his street, he sees a familiar bike in his driveway. It’s Aoyagi’s. When he actually pulls into the driveway, he sees Aoyagi running out of the house. Suddenly Junta is the one being tackled today, his back hitting the ground with a soft thud as Aoyagi cries and says something unintelligible into the crook of his neck. Junta stares up at the stars in the sky as he awkwardly pats Aoyagi’s back. A few minutes pass, then Aoyagi is sitting up, straddling Junta, and he hits his chest hard.
“Ow,” says Junta.
Aoyagi looks furious. His eyes are wide and his breathing is heavy and Junta thinks that he should really avoid pissing off Aoyagi in the future.
Junta wants to say something, but for the first time, he’s at a loss for words. He lets Aoyagi calm down a little before saying anything.
“Why are you at my house?”
Aoyagi still looks angry, but his breathing is back to normal. He drops his phone onto Junta’s chest. Junta takes the hint and looks at screen. 1 a.m ., it says. Aoyagi keeps looking at him, so he looks at the recent call log and the recent text messages. It looked like Junta’s mom had called Aoyagi, and Aoyagi had tried texting him over twenty times.
“Oh,” Junta says.
Aoyagi gets off of Junta and walks towards his bike. He’s silent as he grabs it, and then stops, like he’s waiting for something. Junta sits up on the ground.
“I was looking for Basenji,” he says weakly.
Junta sees Aoyagi’s jaw clench and then he sees the indecisiveness on his face. Aoyagi is looking toward the street then at Junta then at the street again and it’s giving Junta a headache from trying to read so many different things from Aoyagi at once. It isn’t long before Aoyagi drops his bike unceremoniously and turns and runs and is back in Junta’s arms, angry and worried and sad and relieved all at once.
“I’m sorry,” Junta says as he rubs his hand over Aoyagi’s hair, over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“I was worried about you,” Aoyagi mumbles. “Your mom called.”
Junta sighs. “Yeah, she’s going to kill me.”
Aoyagi laughs a little—weakly, barely there, but accompanied by a small smile—and Junta is just glad he isn’t flipping between wanting to hit him and crying anymore. They stay on the ground outside for a few minutes in silence until Aoyagi is completely calmed down.
“Let’s go inside,” Junta whispers. “You can sleep over.”
They go inside together and Junta’s mom is equally upset and relieved and angry, but mostly relieved. After enduring her worrying and scolding for what feels like forever, Junta feels like he’s about to pass out. He falls asleep as soon as he hits his bed, pulling Aoyagi down with him without thinking.
He wakes up late in the afternoon to a still sleeping Aoyagi holding him tight and a text from Aoyagi’s mom letting them know that someone dropped Basenji off that morning. Even though he wasn’t the one who found him, Junta is relieved. He debates waking up Aoyagi to tell him the news, but he’s still tired and he’s already done more harm than good, so he’s content to fall back asleep, snuggling a little closer to Aoyagi.
When Aoyagi shakes him awake a while later, eyes wide with excitement and pulling him out of bed, Junta laughs. When they get to Aoyagi’s house and Junta sees Aoyagi’s grin as he and Basenji throw themselves at each other, he thinks it’s a better feeling than being Aoyagi’s hero could possibly ever be. The next time they sleep over, Aoyagi doesn’t hold Junta tight like he did that one night. Still, one of Aoyagi’s hands constantly stays on Junta’s arm, and Junta can live with that.
Third Year
They’re in their third year of high school and everything hurts.
Junta is sitting in his favorite cafe and staring at Aoyagi from across the room. Aoyagi is standing at the counter to order next to someone Junta doesn’t recognize. They’re both smiling softly at each other and Junta suddenly doesn’t want his tea anymore. He feels an urge to make his presence known—to shout Aoyagi’s name, or walk over, or anything —but it’s petty, and he knows that Aoyagi wouldn’t want him to intrude on his date.
Because that’s what it is, Junta thinks as the heavy feeling in his chest grows stronger. It’s a date. Aoyagi is on a date, and he didn’t tell Junta. He watches as Aoyagi grabs his drink from the barista and wonders bitterly if the handsome blond has Aoyagi’s typical order memorized like Junta does. If he lectures Aoyagi about the diabetes he’s sure to get from such sugary monstrosities like Junta does.
Aoyagi and the handsome boy sit at a table in the corner and almost immediately forget their drinks’ existence as they each pull out a 3DS. They both have a matching sticker and Junta feels his stomach lurch uncomfortably. It was almost unbearable, seeing Aoyagi on a date with someone else. The table they chose is the table that Aoyagi and Junta always sit at together. The only reason Junta hadn’t chosen it earlier is because somebody else was sitting there when he arrived.
But now that person is gone and the two new occupants look invested in their game, eyebrows furrowing slightly in concentration. Aoyagi kicks his date under the table, probably an attempt to make him fumble his game, and his date doesn’t move except to raise an unimpressed eyebrow and quirk the corners of his lips slightly. Junta doesn’t know how long he stares at them before he decides he’s going to puke if he keeps watching. He shoves his notes and things into his bag and leaves his cup on the table and he goes straight for the door.
Aoyagi never notices him, and Junta feels like he’s never felt this many emotions at once before.
When he gets home, he tries to distract himself by working on training regimens. It doesn’t work. He keeps picturing Aoyagi and the blond playing video games together. Of course Aoyagi would want to date someone who likes video games. It makes sense, and Junta stares woefully at the gaming console he himself owns. It’s covered in a layer of dust from disuse. He only ever played it a handful of times, and most of those times were when he had cousins visiting who asked him to play with them.
Junta texts Aoyagi to ask if he wanted to sleep over that night to study together. It takes three hours for Aoyagi to respond, and the five periods he sends tell Junta all he needs to know. Aoyagi can’t sleep over because he already has plans with someone else. Someone else is sleeping at Aoyagi’s house. The thought fills him with something he can’t describe, some kind of combination of jealousy and hurt and confusion all wrapped up into one Teshima Junta.
Junta doesn’t study that night. Instead, he lays in bed, wondering if Aoyagi’s mom would take the spare futon out for his date. Maybe they would share a bed, the same way Junta and Aoyagi always do.
Maybe they’ll cuddle like that one night last year. Maybe they’ll kiss. Maybe someone else will know what it was like to kiss Aoyagi before Junta does. Maybe Junta will never know.
He texts Aoyagi to ask if he wanted to hang out tomorrow instead. Aoyagi says that he can’t. He’ll still have company tomorrow.
Junta sleeps, but he doesn’t feel any less tired when he wakes up.
He doesn’t see Aoyagi again until Monday, a whole two days after Aoyagi’s date at the cafe. Junta has so many questions, but he doesn’t ask any of them. He’s afraid of what answers he might get. Aoyagi doesn’t act any differently around Junta, so Junta tries his best to act normally, but the pain is still eating away at him. He spends class thinking of blond hair and red jackets. By the time lunch comes around, Junta thinks that maybe he can just distract himself from it after all. He pulls out his bento and Aoyagi pulls out his, along with his 3DS.
Junta sees the sticker and loses his appetite.
He tries to talk about his weekend, but there isn’t much to say about it since he spent the majority of it moping about Aoyagi and the mystery boy. He goes silent and watches Aoyagi play his game. On Aoyagi’s desk, next to his finished bento, is a sketchbook. Junta notices it and feels his heart drop. On the page, staring at him, is the mystery boy. It isn’t a sketch, but it’s a photograph clipped to the page. Junta wonders if that means Aoyagi is going to draw him, or if he just likes keeping the picture. Junta wonders which answer he would prefer.
That’s when he realizes that Aoyagi has never mentioned the mystery boy or the date or anything. Junta didn’t even know that Aoyagi wasn’t straight. Which is strange, because they tell each other everything. It occurs to him that maybe Aoyagi hasn’t brought it up because he doesn’t think Junta will accept him. But that wouldn’t make sense. Junta hasn’t come out to Aoyagi per se, but he’s well aware that Aoyagi knows he’s bisexual after bearing witness to Junta walking face-first into a pole while staring at a cute boy one day, a few months into their first year.
Now the thoughts of Aoyagi and the mystery boy are competing for attention with the thoughts of Aoyagi not trusting him with that information, and Junta is getting a headache.
“Who’s that?” He blurts, pointing to the sketchbook. Aoyagi looks up at Junta, follows his hand towards the photo, and smiles. It’s such a soft smile that Junta wants to take a picture and frame it because it’s beautiful, but then smash it because it isn’t meant for him and it never will be.
“My friend,” Aoyagi says. “From Tokyo.”
That answer makes Junta’s skin crawl. Someone from a big city who likes video games and is objectively attractive? Junta can’t compete with that.
“Does he cycle?” He asks.
Aoyagi shakes his head. “Volleyball,” he says, and Junta wants to scream. An athlete. Sure, Junta is an athlete too, but volleyball? That was impressive.
What Junta wants to ask is, how long have you two been dating? Do you like his hair more than mine? Will you ever smile at me like that?
He doesn’t ask any of those.
“How long have you two been friends?”
Aoyagi actually has to pause and think about it for a moment. He always makes the same face when he does math, and it’s the expression he has now as he works it out in his head.
“Since childhood,” is the answer he settles on, but he doesn’t look satisfied with it. He pulls out his phone and starts typing out a message while Junta despairs. He and Aoyagi are best friends, but it’s hard to compete with a childhood friend. They have history. They probably know all of each other’s secrets.
He probably does have Aoyagi’s drink order memorized.
A few moments later, Aoyagi’s phone buzzes. He looks at it, snorts, and shows Junta the screen.
Since we were seven years old , reads a text. You don’t remember? I’m hurt.
Junta forces himself to ignore the contact name.
“Wow,” he says, trying to be a good friend. “That’s way longer than I’ve known you!”
Aoyagi smiles a bit and nods. He types out another message and then puts his phone away in favor of his 3DS.
“When are you going to see him again?” Junta asks because he can’t seem to stop torturing himself.
Aoyagi immediately brightens up and starts telling Junta about the upcoming release of a new video game that’s apparently extremely popular. Since it’s expected to sell out quickly, Aoyagi is going to travel to Tokyo in a few weeks to spend the weekend at his house so they can wait in line together at the store. Junta Googles it, and the game is a multiplayer game that they’re probably going to want to play together.
From the way Aoyagi is talking about it, Junta gets the feeling that Aoyagi and his friend only see each other once a month or so at the most. He thinks that it should feel like a win—it means that it’s unlikely that they’re dating, at least—but it doesn’t . Not when he knows that it’s still possible, and that even if they aren’t dating, it doesn’t mean that Aoyagi doesn’t want them to be.
Junta also thinks that it should feel like a win when Aoyagi’s plans change a few weeks later. And for half a second, it almost does. But he knows how important the plans were to Aoyagi, and he knows how disappointed he is to not be able to go just because of the flu. And sure, maybe it makes Junta feel uneasy when he thinks about how badly Aoyagi wants to hang out with the blond. But thinking about Aoyagi being unhappy makes him feel worse.
It doesn’t take long for Junta to decide on a plan. If it takes Aoyagi dating someone else for him to be happy, then so be it. As long as Aoyagi is happy, Junta can grin and bear it.
The line outside of the video game store is long. Junta stands in it for two hours, and by the end of it, he’s pretty sure his nose is going to freeze off.
Junta’s face is significantly warmer as he stands in the doorway of Aoyagi’s bedroom holding a shopping bag. Aoyagi’s face is accusatory.
“I promise I won’t get too close,” Junta says. “I’m not going to get sick. I just wanted to drop this off for you.”
He puts the bag on the foot of Aoyagi’s bed and shifts uncomfortably as Aoyagi climbs over to grab it.
“It’s mostly just homework,” Junta says. “I grabbed you some soup, though, and…”
Aoyagi is staring at the two copies of the game in the bag with a blank expression. Junta suddenly gets the feeling that this is a very bad idea. It wasn’t the game that Aoyagi was upset about missing out on, it was the experience of spending time with his friend. Why would Junta think a game could fix it?
“I just—I know you’re disappointed about not being able to visit your friend, and this won’t fix that,” Junta rambles. Aoyagi is staring at him with a runny nose and an expression that Junta can’t quite figure out. “But now at least you can still play together next time you visit him, or I guess you could mail his copy to him and you could play sooner, but—“
Junta’s mind is moving a mile a minute, but it grinds to a halt as soon as Aoyagi launches himself up and presses his lips against Junta’s. Junta freezes and grabs Aoyagi’s shoulders out of pure instinct, just to keep him from falling over, and feels like he’s short-circuiting.
“Junta, thank you, ” Aoyagi says after pulling away. It only lasted a few seconds, but it feels like it lasted hours. Aoyagi’s eyes are shining. Junta is still trying to wrap his mind around what just happened. The pieces slowly fall into place—or, maybe they always were in place, and Junta is only just now able to see the whole picture—and he realizes that he’s been stressing over nothing for the past few weeks.
By the time his mouth catches up to his brain, Junta only has one question.
“Aoyagi…aren’t you contagious?”
Epilogue
They’re in their third year of highschool and Junta is watching Aoyagi play a Pokemon game. He knows which one, because he’s the one who bought it. He watches as Aoyagi navigates the world with his team as the protagonist, capturing monsters and saving people.
Junta sneezes. Aoyagi hands him a tissue with an apologetic glance, but quickly refocuses on the battle at hand. Junta snuggles into Aoyagi’s side, putting his head on his chest, to watch the battle play out. It’s been four days since Junta gave him the game, and after express mailing the other one to his friend, Aoyagi has been glued to it. Junta doesn’t mind. He needs the entertainment if he’s going to be stuck in bed for a few more days.
Realistically, Junta thinks that he should be a little disheartened. He still hasn’t achieved his goal of becoming Aoyagi’s hero.
He sneezes again. This time, when he hands over the tissue, Aoyagi also kisses the top of Junta’s head.
Luckily, it looks like Junta has all the time in the world to become the hero Aoyagi deserves.