Work Text:
Namjoon finds that, whenever they’re in between comebacks, he calls her parents more often. He figures it’s because he manages his own time very poorly, and since when he’s not between schedules he has nobody telling him what to do, he finds himself going after that familiarity of her mother nagging him about this or the other.
It’s great most times, even if his parents scold him over the phone, because it fills him with something other than the anxiety over not doing something else, whatever that may be in the context.
It’s not great, however, when that other thing he should be doing involves his parents, because then he has no relief elsewhere. He’s just as anxious when his mother tells him about how the women at the market have started to sell this kind of fish pricier “because, apparently, there was a shortcoming involving fishing nets” as when he’s at the studio trying to come up with an interesting enough beat. Any method he’s tried to get the feeling of uneasiness out of his chest has failed, so he resorts to getting used to it being there. Simply as that.
Of course, it sucks, but what else can he do?
The thing is, this other thing is rather big. For him, at least, feels like prying from his calloused hands the last straw at being a somewhat normal son. Because being an idol is not the norm at all. Namjoon has never felt particularly bad about doing what he likes, but his mother often makes small but biting remarks about how she’s not allowed to brag about certain things because they’re confidential or because she doesn’t know when she’s allowed to talk about them. It’s not the end of the world, but he’s certain that being the holder of so many secrets is not a future she envisioned for herself when she decided to have another kid.
So, it’s big. This other thing that he should be doing. And it hits him just as he’s about to finish another of his calls with his mother, that it’s somewhat of a pressing matter. Or, rather than hit him, it manifests itself in the form of words.
“So, when are you going to get yourself a girlfriend?” Inquires his mother, before Namjoon can utter a fake well, mom, I’ve gotta go, I have some songs that I need to finish. “Or at least make it official, I can’t trust that you’re not doing who knows what with who knows who, with how many people you meet these days. I can just hope she’s korean.”
The words are in no way said as a jab, not a single negative undertone except the soft joke underneath the questions.
And yet, it makes Namjoon’s stomach feel upside down. Because this other thing he should be doing, the burden he has had to carry since he unveiled it, is that he’s gay. A homosexual man. Attracted to men exclusively. (He likes the metaphorical roll of the tongue in these words when he thinks about them. He likes making them clear and loud in his head first in case he needs to speak them out loud. Because it’s a thing to be gay to yourself, but to be gay in the eyes of the others you need to carry yourself a certain way, make your presence a little steadier, or you’ll get crushed in the process of just being.)
He clears his throat, because just because he should be telling her that, doesn’t mean that he will. And he certainly is in no way prepared for that conversation. Besides, it feels disingenuous to talk about it just to his mother, on the phone. This is a conversation he should be having with both of them, so that they can ask questions if there are any and clear the confusion or misconceptions they might have. He also doesn’t want to make either of his parents feel insecure about who he told first and why, because he has no idea how either of them would (or rather, will) take it.
It’s too much work, work he has no energy to be doing now, so he just laughs and tells her, “don’t worry, if I date you’ll know.” And that’s the end of that.
Or it would, if it could stop haunting Namjoon please, I beg of you, stop.
Namjoon tries really hard to go on about his life without giving his mother’s words more importance than they have, because she was just trying to connect with her son and trying to know more about his well-being. Namjoon reasons with himself that she could have as well asked about how he’s doing with his therapist! But no matter what he tells his brain, the feeling doesn’t go away.
Taehyung snaps him out of his thoughts with a sharp slap in the butt as he’s going to the company’s coffee shop. He looks at him, expecting some kind of conversation to be initiated, but Taehyung just smiles his way and continues walking away. And that, thankfully, breaks the spell and he’s able to work on his tracks the rest of the day.
But, in retrospect, he should have known that it wouldn’t last long. Not with how it has been haunting him, with all the implications of a physical-yet-invisible being following him around, after he admitted the fact to himself.
Jungkook, in a rather unexpected nature, has asked for a get-together with the seven of them. Maybe it’s hitting him the fact that they’re all living in their own houses, rather than at the dorms, and that they haven’t seen each other (the seven of them at the same time) for two weeks straight. So they, as the doting hyungs that they are, complied and made plans for dinner that day.
And that’s how he finds himself tipsy, sated and with a half asleep drunk Hoseok on his shoulder, as Seokjin gets braver by the second. Their conversation had started like it always does: about work. But something about working with people you like and doing things you enjoy makes them divert the conversation into something more personal, less strategic. Like how music used to feel to Namjoon.
“I know you dislike Makoto Shinkai’s movies.” Seokjin replies to a frowning Jungkook, who was in the middle of a serious explanation about some movie he had hated, apparently. “But consider that I like when things don’t make sense and are just pretty.”
“That’s your charm, hyung. You don’t make sense but at least you’re pretty.” Jimin chirps in, always the comedian.
“Yah! This kid…” Seokjin retorts, red in the face. Namjoon wonders if it’s the alcohol or being called pretty. Or Jimin’s audacity getting to his pride. However, the table erupts in laughter and Jimin looks pleased with himself. He always looks more in his skin when he makes people laugh.
“Yeah but even hyung has more than just your looks. He has a personality, and is able to tell things in a way that matters.” Jungkook continues.
“I think Seokjin hyung only likes how romantic everything looks.” Taehyung adds.
“I do, actually.” Seokjin replies, relieved to be understood instead of antagonised.
“I can’t imagine hyung being interested in romance.” Jungkook says, a weird look on his face.
“He looks stupid as fuck when he’s in love.” Yoongi chirps, clearly knowledgeable in the matter.
It’s true. Namjoon had seen Seokjin shyly gushing about Jaehwan when they had been dating, and Seokjin does look kind of stupid.
“I only look stupid to you because you don’t get love.” Seokjin retorts. “I look normal when I’m in love.”
“No way hyung, whenever you and Jaehwanie had a date you came back like you were a teenager. You looked dumb.” Hoseok, braver in his sleepiness, offers.
“Well,” says Seokjin, now jokingly mad. “If It’s so obvious when I like someone, how come none of you know I got a boyfriend?” Seokjin looks smug for just about one second in which he realises what he just said. The table starts screaming, and although Namjoon, too, is surprised about the news, he doesn’t want to be kicked out of the restaurant for being loud.
Between all the screams of incredulity and questions of who, when and how, Yoongi says that he already knew, because he knows the guy.
“Do we know him too?” Asks Jimin, one of the most affected by the news. (Namjoon is always endeared by how loudly and deeply Jimin cares about each one of the members.)
“I think you might have.” Seokjin says, embarrassed but owning up to his drunken mistake. “He was one of the staff members the day we shot this one Run episode…”
“The one with the gamers.” Yoongi supplies.
“The one with T1 players.” Seokjin confirms.
“How did you guys keep in contact, then?” Taehyung asks, very happy about the news.
“He worked with Beomju hyung once, and since he knew he was friends with Seokjin, he asked for his number with the false pretext of returning something lost.” Yoongi explains to the astonished room.
“I hadn’t actually lost anything.” Seokjin says. “But he needed an excuse because he didn’t want to out me… or himself. Beomju hyung asked me if I was okay with sharing my phone number and, well… Here we are.” Seokjin finishes, taking what seems like a final gulp of his drink.
The younger ones try to pry more information about the mystery guy from Seokjin, and they get his name (Son Heungmin, yes, like the football player), his age (born in 1992, like Seokjin, and yes, also like the football player, but no, Taehyung, he’s not the actual football player) and a single picture of him (taken in one of their dates, with him looking extremely focused on something else not pictured in the photo. Seokjin does get a lot of shit for the face he makes while showing them after that).
But Namjoon realises that, lost in his own stupor and inner monologue, he hasn’t said a single thing about Seokjin’s newly gotten boyfriend. He doesn’t want to look like he’s not happy about Seokjin. He is, he definitely is. But he’s also jealous. Not only jealous of Seokjin having a boyfriend (which, if he muses for more than a second, he is so very much it hurts), but rather jealous of the way he’ll be able to talk about it with his mother. Because Seokjin is closer with his mother than he probably is with most of the members, and he came out to her even before joining the group.
Seokjin, unlike Namjoon, doesn’t have the problem of having found himself in his twenties. He hasn’t had it bad when he so desperately wanted to like and be liked by girls he almost lost himself for a minute. No, Seokjin knew himself, and he knew Namjoon too, so when Namjoon was ready, Seokjin was there for him. He now has to be there for Seokjin.
“Hey man,” Namjoon approaches Seokjin, as they’re grabbing their puffer jackets and ugly but expensive bags. “I’m really happy about you and Heungmin. I hope you introduce him to us soon. I’d love to meet him.”
Seokjin smiles sweetly at him, clearly pleased with how Namjoon is handling this. “Thank you, bro.” He adds in english. “I will eventually bring him around. It’s not like I can hide him forever… But I’ll wait until the kids are less shouty about it.”
Namjoon is satisfied with how this ended, despite his initial lack of response. It all morphs so naturally that when Jimin grabs his arm and guides it to his car, nobody bats an eye. Not even himself, and he thought he was going to have to call a taxi to get home.
“Nonsense! We’re neighbours, why waste the money on a taxi when I could drive you instead?” Jimin replies, when Namjoon voices his surprise. “By the way, how come you came straight from the studio?”
Jimin has an indecipherable way of knowing when any of the members are unwell, and what to ask to make them talk about it. At first the hyungs were immune to it, only Jungkook and Taehyung being subjected to Jimin’s powers, but as the years went by, and with how many hardships they endured together and as a group, they all crumbled one by one before Jimin’s (metaphorical, but Namjoon sometimes also literal) feet.
“I wanted to work on my stuff before the weekend. Brought clothes with me and all. I think being at home the whole day would have killed me.”
Namjoon thinks it started with Yoongi. Despite how he’d like to look, he’s always been a softie. Yoongi is probably the member most in touch with his own feelings, and he let Jimin read him like a book right after debut. They were inseparable for a while. Namjoon thinks that’s what connection does to you.
“You shouldn’t overwork yourself, though. Nothing good comes from being tired, and you know it better than anyone else.”
Then it was probably himself. He doesn’t know how it started, but they had shared many interests back then too, so it became easy to guide their long conversations into something more personal, less guarded behind a fake persona he couldn’t fulfil 24/7.
“Yeah… I know. I took breaks, if that helps. I just… I think I forgot how to relax and have fun these days.”
Seokjin hyung came next, then. They had bonded over their shared queerness and love for video games, and something about Seokjin’s habits made Jimin realize that he was the youngest in his family and loved it, so he went out of his way to baby his hyung in a way that didn’t feel disrespectful nor patronizing. Just enough, comforting. Like Jimin himself.
“Do you want to go bike riding with me again?”
And lastly, Hoseok. He had been a hard egg to crack, since he kept his heart well guarded at all times. Namjoon is his same-age friend in the group, yet he couldn’t be able to tell why he’s always so squirmy when it comes to his feelings. Maybe there’s something about the way he already bares himself in his lyrics, exposing his thoughts in a way so raw he feels like he can’t trust himself outside of that context.
However, Jimin managed to break that wall and make himself comfortable inside Hoseok’s heart. His struggles, as he’s confessed to Namjoon before, are very similar to Hoseok’s, and that helped them get closer. And that also helps Jimin read Hoseok better.
“It’s fine now. After being with you guys I feel more relaxed. I think I just need to sleep this over.”
Jimin frowns, but lets it go. Because he also knows when to stop. He should tell Jimin how amazing he is more often, but Namjoon’s embarrassed about how much he thinks about his friend. He should be putting all that energy into figuring his own problems out. Like, how to tell his parents that he’s gay.
“Oh,” Jimin says after a short pause. They’re stopped at a red light, so Jimin glances over to Namjoon. “I almost forgot. Your mother called me the other day. Did she tell you about the tangerines?”
“My mom? The tangerines?” Right. Jimin makes friends with people so easily, he has everyone’s parents on a chokehold since debut. He’s probably their kid as much as their actual sons are, which is terrifying in many ways but endearing ultimately. Jimin speaks regularly with his own parents too, of course, but something warm spreads in Namjoon’s chest at his own mother specifically calling Jimin just for the sake of it. And to tell him things she forgets to tell Namjoon, apparently.
“On her trip to Jeju, she bought like five tangerine boxes. She wants you to come get one for us all. Didn’t she call you?”
“She did,” Namjoon answers, still confused. “But she forgot to mention that. How am I supposed to bring back a whole box of tangerines, though?”
Jimin laughs an airy, beautiful laugh of his. “I think she keeps forgetting you don’t have your driver's licence. I can drive you there, if you want to. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow.”
“You’re an angel, Park Jimin.” Namjoon says in lieu of an answer.
“Not an angel, a fairy.” Jimin corrects him.
And Namjoon thinks that yes, Jimin is a fairy, an angel, an ethereal being capable of solving every known bad and probably someone he doesn’t even deserve in his life. But he’s grateful for every second he spends with him.
Namjoon has always thought big of Jimin. First it was his dance moves and ability to hit notes, then his courage and understanding of himself as well as his friends’ needs. He’s so good, Namjoon thinks, hopes, he hasn’t had as many problems as the rest of them. Because he has no Jimin to look after him, although all of them try to fill that role, nothing could compare to what Park Jimin having your back feels like.
He probably didn’t have a hard time coming out as bisexual to his parents at all. They seem so much closer than Namjoon has ever dreamed to be with his own. It feels surreal sometimes, how Jimin treats his father like he’s an old friend, even after telling him that he likes both boys and girls. But it should’ve been fine for him, since he’s such a lovable person. Maybe Jimin’s father didn’t actually understand what being bisexual meant for his son, but he rationalized that since Jimin had so much love to give, it couldn’t be bothered to distinguish between genders.
Hell, even Namjoon’s parents would probably get it if that were the case. They love him so much. If Jimin were the one coming out to Namjoon’s parents, they’d be more than happy to have him over anyways, “Of course! You’re so handsome and polite, not even boys can resist your charms!” they would say.
An idea pops into Namjoon’s mind.
They’re already at their building, Jimin parking on his designated spot in the private underground parking. Jimin hops off the car, and Namjoon follows after him, like a baby duck following his more experienced mommy duck, even though this is his apartment building too.
They’re floor neighbours, even.
By the time they’re supposed to say goodbye and head into each other’s houses, Namjoon decides it’s now or never, and he dives into the ice cold water pool that is what he’s about to propose.
“Jimin, wait.” Jimin then seems to focus his whole attention on his friend. Sometimes he does that, makes you feel like you’re the most important thing in the universe. “I need to ask you a favour. It’s really important to me, so I’d like it if you listened… With an open mind.”
“Okay.”
“You know how I’m gay, right?” He says, and Jimin nods. “Well, I haven’t told my parents. I know they’re fine with other people being gay because Seokjin is out to them, but I fear what would happen if I came out to them, you know?” Jimin nods again. “Well. Well.”
“Just spit it out, hyung.”
Namjoon dries his sweaty palms in his pants. Why is he so nervous about this?
“I was thinking how they love you and stuff. And uhm, how It wouldn’t be an issue for them to accept that you’re gay, right? And I thought maybe… Maybe the blow would be less hard if I told them I was dating a guy. If I was dating you, specifically. Since, y’know. They already love you…”
Jimin’s face is inscrutable, absolutely no face Namjoon has seen on him since they’ve known each other. What does that face mean? Has Namjoon said something wrong?
Maybe he has. Maybe he’s such a mess that even the idea of pretending to date him for an evening is so terrible that Jimin is-
“So you want me to… Fake-date you?” Jimin asks. “Like in the movie The Proposal?”
Oh.
Or maybe not. Maybe Jimin was just trying to understand Namjoon’s words, make them relatable. Like a movie he likes! Yes, of course.
“Yes! Yeah, just like that.” Namjoon replies, too quickly. “Minus the weird power imbalance, I guess.”
Jimin huffs out a laugh.
“Weird power imbalance… You’re such a nerd.” Jimin takes a careful breath. “Let me think about it, okay? I’m not that great of an actor, and I need to think about.. What I would tell your mother as an excuse for not telling her earlier.”
“Yes! Yes, of course! It doesn’t even have to be tomorrow, you know? Just, one day in the near future. We can plan it ahead.”
Jimin starts pressing the buttons to his apartment, almost in a hurry.
“Yeah, yeah, plan it ahead, I’ll think about it. Night hyung!”
And with that, he leaves Namjoon, alone in the foyer of his own apartment.
His therapist should feel proud: he was brave about something today.
His phone alarm rings at 8 a.m., and Jimin turns it off. As if he’d slept at all.
Jimin texts a probably still sleeping Namjoon with a “Hey, I thought it over. Let’s do it. I’ll pick you up later.” And lets out a breath he didn’t know he was still holding. He has been holding things for far too long.
He leaves the phone on the bed and makes his way to the bathroom so that he can wash-up and amend the mess he’s made by not being able to catch a wink of sleep all night. He had been too busy thinking: about his conversation with Namjoon. About his short text conversation with Yoongi, who had then called him to talk it over in a way that didn’t hurt his eyes (he was halfway to sleep when Jimin had texted him). About what he knew he was about to do.
The thing is, Jimin has been in love (not in like, not in an infatuation, but in love) with Namjoon for quite some time now. He knows for a fact that Yoongi’s advice on subtle flirting and subtle anything hasn’t worked at all, but he liked to pretend. He liked to fool himself into thinking that maybe his tactics were working. Maybe when Namjoon called him late at night because he was stressed and needed someone to rant to meant something to him, meant something for them. He wanted to believe it so hard, he had pushed what he knew deep inside the closet.
But the truth couldn’t hide for much longer, and that broke Jimin’s heart like no other thing. Namjoon was complete and utterly oblivious to his feelings. Jimin hadn’t risked enough for him to catch on, and all the progress Yoongi had assured him he was making was nonexistent. Lost, like the way cotton candy disappears in the water, returning to its original state.
Whoever’s fault it was (it was Jimin’s), the problem lies in the proposal Jimin had just accepted. He now needs to both look like he’s in love with Namjoon and hide the fact that he is, indeed, in love with Namjoon so that his parents believe it but Namjoon doesn’t notice. Because if there was a time for Jimin to come clear, it has clearly passed.
“He must be joking, maybe he’s too nervous to ask you out and just wants to… I don’t know. Surprise you somehow.” Yoongi had said last night, after being explained the whole scene in the foyer.
“And when has Namjoon done that before?” Silence on the other line. “Exactly. Hyung, you know him better than anyone. I know you love me and hate me being pouty, but just accept that he doesn’t like me back. This stupid plan of his is the clearest proof of it.”
“I think,” Yoongi starts, carefully choosing his words because he hates being wrong, but hates hurting Jimin even more. “That Namjoon… Likes you, but he’s just not aware of it yet.”
Jimin actually laughs at this. “Really, hyung? Come on. That’s, like, toddler-level reasoning. I’m not a toddler, I can read between the lines. Namjoon’s not a toddler either. If he was able to figure out his sexuality… He could have figured out feelings for someone he’s known for, like, ten years.”
“But Namjoon… He takes his time with this stuff. He might just need a little nod in the right direction.”
“Yeah? I feel like ‘a little nod in the right direction’ for him would be, I don’t know, a billboard the size of a small country with the words ‘I, Park Jimin, am in love with you’ for him to even consider I’m not joking.”
Yoongi stays silent. It’s probably true.
“Why don’t you say yes?” Yoongi ends up saying.
“What do you mean?” Jimin asks, because surely he can’t be talking about saying yes to the plan Namjoon had told him about.
“Say yes to the plan Namjoon told you about.”
“Hyung, do you want me to die? If you wanted me to die, you just needed to say so. Do you secretly hate me?”
“You know I’m not a good enough actor. If I hated you, you’d know.” Yoongi answers, after softly laughing. “But you wouldn’t die. You just need to show him what a cool and nice boyfriend you’d be. Like one of those free trials.”
“You want me to have the same flirting strategy as a phone app?”
“Jimin, think about it. This is the nod in the right direction that Namjoon needs. He needs to see you as a boyfriend, not just as a friend. And then he’ll realise he likes you too.”
“I think,” Jimin says, after a pregnant silence. “That you’ve been letting me show you too many romance movies. Hyung, this isn’t The Proposal. This is real life, what if he sees right through me, doesn’t feel the same and then we fuck up the group’s whole dynamic?”
After this, Yoongi doesn’t say anything for a while. And Jimin knows exactly why.
That exact same scenario has already happened. And they fought so bad they almost split up.
Sweet, naive Taehyung had fallen madly in love with Hoseok. Because Hoseok is nice, and kind, and funny, and attractive as hell. But, unluckily for Taehyung, Hoseok didn’t notice nor reciprocate. This culminated with a confession which took a really weird turn, when Hoseok had been shaken to the core thinking he could have, unintentionally, led Taehyung on; and with Taehyung feeling more heartbroken than he had ever been.
Hoseok started retreating more into himself. Stopped hugging the members, paranoid about anything and everything. And that had made Taehyung feel worse, in turn, for making a once carefree Hoseok into a nervous mess incapable of being affectionate with the members. And, of course, the fighting and the crying they had made when they thought everything they had once built was crumbling into pieces because of romantic love.
It had eventually been solved, when Namjoon had declared them in a crisis and sat them down for hours on end to talk everything over. They said hurtful things, they said cheesy stuff, and finally they all agreed that their friendship was more important to them than their careers, but that they also wanted for their career to work. So they worked on it, and they got one of their best selling albums and rawest lyrics out of it.
Taehyung came out from the incident a lot bigger, Jimin could tell from the way he held himself now. Jimin was so proud of it, that still being in the group was one of the brightest and proudest medals he wore on a daily basis. He could not, for anything in the world, mess that up again.
And Yoongi understood, but Yoongi did know Namjoon better than anyone in the group…
“Namjoon wouldn’t react that way, if he didn’t like you back.” Yoongi says.
“I know. I don’t fear how Namjoon would react. I fear how I would.”
It’s both a blessing and a curse, being able to read anyone and, in turn, not being able to predict your own reactions to literally anything. Jimin surprises himself more than he’s proud to admit, and fears his own feelings sometimes. Everything feels too much, too deep, like a superficial wound could actually be lethal. But that’s the magic with Jimin: he concentrates all of these contradictions in his firm (but admittedly not very big) body and tries to move on through life.
“That’s one way to see it. Ah, shit. I’m sorry I’m not good enough at this.” Yoongi laments himself, a shuffling is heard over the phone and Jimin feels bad, Yoongi was about to sleep, after all. “If you let this opportunity go, you might not have another one. And maybe your reaction will be worse in the future, if you let it grow. Like- Like a tumour? Don’t tumours get worse if they’re not treated right away?”
“Are you saying Namjoon is a tumour, hyung? He’s your best friend.”
“Nothing in the best friend contract said I couldn’t call him a possible tumour. You just need to check if he’s a benign one.”
That thought placates Jimin, and he spends the rest of the call thinking about it that way. Maybe, if he gives this a shot, he can actually have something nice out of it. It’ll be like ripping a bandage whose glue has been stuck to your arm hairs, maybe it doesn’t hurt at all if you do it fast, or maybe it hurts even more.
Jimin is so tired (and not just from not being able to sleep) that he doesn’t care anymore. He wants it out of his way, for better or for worse.
So he gathers his things, puts on a semi decent outfit, eats breakfast and grabs his car keys. He’ll be the best boyfriend he can for the next five-ish hours, if the traffic is merciful (it won’t be) and Namjoon’s parents let them off the hook sooner rather than later (they won’t).
Jimin is absolutely not prepared. He feels like diving into unknown waters as a newborn, but without that weird instinct babies are supposed to have that make them learn how to swim in order to not drown. He feels the most vulnerable he’s ever felt in ages, so when he enters Namjoon’s door code (the date in which he released his first song online, he feels so proud of it even now) he hurts from each and every press of his finger.
Namjoon’s apartment makes Jimin want to cry, most days. It feels empty, devoid of life. It’s better in certain parts of it, though. Like the home-studio, or one little corner of the living room. Jimin wishes he were a poet, so that he could better elaborate how everything in this space makes him feel. But he isn’t, and he’s also nervous, so he powers through the room towards the hallway he knows leads to Namjoon’s room.
It’s not closed, and he can’t hear Namjoon at all, so he must still be asleep. Maybe he didn’t read his text at all? The thought gives Jimin an idea: maybe he can delete it from Namjoon’s phone and pretend it never happened. Leave his own heart in a glass box and never try to open it again.
But he’s made a decision, to rip the bandage fast and clean, and he is committed to go through with it, even if it hurts like hell and makes his palms all sweaty and gross.
He wakes Namjoon up, who grumbles an undignified “Wha-?” before realising who this is.
“I actually woke up at 7. I had breakfast and came to bed to chill until you were ready, but I must’ve dozed off again. Oops.” Namjoon tells Jimin, after retouching his hair (it was already perfect) and rinsing the sleep from his face (also perfect). They were already headed to the underground parking, Jimin remembering last night, and how he had liked the way he and Namjoon could hold a long silence, not uncomfortable at all. But Jimin can’t afford the luxury of being silent, not right now.
“Okay, so we need a plan to fool your parents. I know for a fact your mother won’t not ask questions. So we need to be on the same level.” Jimin is grabbing his keys and opening the door to Namjoon’s apartment, hoping Namjoon is following close but not looking back, afraid of what his expression will show him. “We need to come up with some story believable enough that it fits with everything else, okay? And we need to memorise it. But not too much that the words feel rehearsed, you know? I saw once that testimonies are more believable if they have errors since memory isn’t flawless.”
“Woah. You gave this a lot of thought, Jimin… I’m impressed.”
“Well,” Jimin replies, a little defensive. “I like to be prepared.”
“I thought,” Namjoon replies, getting into Jimin’s car. “Not that your plan isn’t good, of course, and I appreciate your effort. But I thought this could be more… Chill. You know?”
Jimin stares at him, buckling himself up. He doesn’t know, and he hopes Namjoon understands.
“Like,” Namjoon explains. Understanding. “We’re friends. You’re one of the members I’m closest to, and my parents already love you. Maybe… we don’t need to explain?”
Jimin thinks he’s going to go crazy.
“Okay,” Jimin says, gripping the wheel and trying to relax. “Okay. No plan. Just us. Like we’re together. Okay.” He grips the wheel harder.
Namjoon smiles, showing his full dimples, and Jimin is no longer in the fight, already defeated and sent home to a metaphorical wife and children crying for his loss. He stood absolutely no chance against Namjoon. Jimin starts to drive, gets them out of the underground parking lot.
But, of course, not even ten minutes later the Seoul traffic gets them stuck, and Jimin starts again.
“I still think your mother will ask questions. If we don’t prepare in advance, how am I supposed to know what’s okay to say and what isn’t? And, hyung, you’re shit at lying too.” Namjoon grimaces at that, but doesn’t deny it. He lowers the radio’s volume so that it’s only a whisper in the background.
“Okay, let’s compromise. We’ll set a basic storyline, but the details will be whatever we feel at the moment. Okay?” Namjoon, always diplomatic, proposes.
“A compromise…” Jimin wonders, like in a real relationship, he thinks. “Okay. Okay, that’s better. Thank you.”
Namjoon smiles again. “Of course, Jiminie. You’re doing this huge thing for me, after all.”
“What do you mean? I’m just driving my boyfriend over to his parent’s in order to get a month’s supply worth of tangerines.” Jimin and Namjoon share a sweet, knowing smile, but Jimin still doesn’t feel appeased. There’s something that’s been nagging at him since yesterday’s conversation, and he won’t be satisfied until he clears it up with Namjoon. He didn’t even say anything to Yoongi when they spoke on the phone, but it’s one of the reasons he’s been up all night. “Just, one more thing. Hyung?”
“Yes?” Namjoon answers, looking up from his phone. Jimin notices the radio’s volume is still down.
“Why me?”
“Uhm… Why did I ask you in particular?” Jimin nods. “Well. That’s a good question. Hmm.” Namjoon thinks harder than he probably should, and that makes Jimin worry. The fact that he’s trying so seriously to answer him could mean two different things: one, he didn’t think this through, only reached out because Jimin was close and available. Or two, he knows Jimin is taking this question way too personal and doesn’t want to come across wrong or be misunderstood. Both terrify him, hoping for a fast and easy answer when he asked, but both are very Namjoon in their nature, so Jimin has no other choice but to be endeared at the same time.
Namjoon must notice Jimin’s uneasiness, because he finally starts speaking again after taking a brief glance at the driver. “When Seokjin told us about his new boyfriend, I remembered how I’ve been trying to come out to my parents, and thought that maybe doing so with a boyfriend would be easier. But I don’t want to wait, because it’s been eating me up from the inside, you know?”
“All those night bike rides…” Jimin mutters, eyes fixed on the drive.
“Yeah. Those were nights where this… guilt, if I had to give it a name, was too much for me. Anyways, I thought about it, and how I don’t want to wait or it’ll kill me. And I thought of you, since my parents love you so much already, you know?”
Jimin thins his lips and nods in answer. They do love him dearly.
“Well. Maybe, since they already love you, the blow of me being… Gay. Yeah. Of me being into guys would be… less. I guess. I’m not sure.” Namjoon starts regretting his choice, seeing how the air between them has started to sour. “I’m sorry, but it made sense. Last night. Is this too much to ask of you? You just- God, I don’t know. I’m talking nonsense, but it makes sense, right? That I might have hidden it from them because you’re famous, too. Your career would also be on the line here. And, and, we get along so well! You understand me better than, I don’t know. Hobi, maybe.”
“It’s okay,” Jimin answers, seeing how panicked Namjoon has started to sound. He didn’t want to make Namjoon have a hard time, damn it. Just get some answers. “I was just, you know. Curious about it. We can still do it if you want to.”
“I do.” Namjoon answers quickly. “I really do. I want to get this over with, but I also… This is going to sound selfish, but I think I need you by my side.” Namjoon confesses, and Jimin wishes there was more traffic so that he could look at him instead of the road. “I don’t think I say this enough but you’ve helped me a lot these past years. I’m thankful for you all the time.”
“Namjoon… Please don’t make me cry, I’m driving a car with us both in it.” Jimin says, trying to deflect the fact that he wants to cry for a whole other reason than Namjoon’s words. Or, well. Because Namjoon’s words don’t match what he wanted them to be.
“Sorry, sorry… I got too mushy there. But you truly are wonderful, Jimin.” Namjoon says, one last dimpled smile directed at Jimin.
And God, If Jimin could just be happy at the nice things Namjoon is telling him. If he could just accept their friendship for what it is: a friendship. If he could stop the knot that’s slowly forming on his throat, or the way his guts seem to be rearranging his insides. But he can’t, because he’s desperately and tragically in love with his friend and bandmate, and he’s weak. So he asks: “Could we stop one moment at the next gas station? I’m running out of gas.”
It’s a lie, but Namjoon still doesn’t have his licence, and that means he has no way of knowing if he’s being lied to, so he just nods and says Of course, and doesn’t notice how Jimin never really acknowledged the compliments the way he always does. Doesn’t notice the way Jimin’s heart almost literally breaks at the effort of trying to beat through the pain.
Jimin thinks that’s okay. Ignorance is bliss.
Namjoon thinks Jimin is taking way too long at the gas station’s convenience store.
But it’s a passing thought, and he ignores it in favour of his new line of thought: Why was Jimin his first and only choice?
After explaining to Jimin himself, he realised he had a lot more to say about it, but it felt wrong somehow, letting it all out. Was he being too dramatic? He thought about how the rest could also have been a good option to do Jimin’s job. Seokjin is already out to his parents, and his dad is best friends with Namjoon’s dad. They were really close right after debut. And even though Seokjin already has a boyfriend… It’s not like his parents would know about it anyways. Seokjin is very private.
However, he didn’t even cross his mind. Neither did any other member of the group, and neither did any of his other friends who have met their parents. He now thinks that maybe he could’ve asked his friend Seongjoo, who he met through art and who he made fast friendship with. He’s both openly gay and close enough to Namjoon that his parents wouldn’t suspect a thing.
Then why did his tipsy brain only think to ask Jimin?
He knows he would be lying if he said the reason was because Jimin was just there. They might be neighbours, but that night he had been with everyone else from the group, too.
No, that’s not the reason. And somehow it’s only starting to down on him the real reason. One that’s been so intertwined with his daily thoughts that he hadn’t realised until right this moment, sitting in Jimin’s car, on the passenger side, parked in a gas station and all alone.
Of course I have this kind of epiphany in a place like this, he berates himself. But there’s no way to deny it any longer, and he tries to trace down the thread of his feelings, to when it all started.
Last night, when Jimin offered to drive him home. He’s so nice. He takes care of me so well. He’s so attentive. I love him. The other week, when they were having dinner at Namjoon’s studio because Jimin “happened to pass by” but Namjoon knew he hadn’t been answering Jimin’s texts and he had gotten (rightfully) worried. He’s so considerate. He knows my tastes so well. I love him. Last month, on one of their nightly bike rides. Jimin always does this for me. He looks so cute with his cap on even though there’s no sun to block. I love him.
It’s embarrassing, how many times he’s thought about it in passing but never acknowledged properly. And it’s embarrassing that he’s only doing it now that he’s asked Jimin to be his fake boyfriend. Maybe Namjoon is not destined for happiness. (He knows his therapist would disagree. That he has been happy in the past, and will be in the future.)
And if this crisis weren’t enough, Namjoon thinks again how Jimin has been gone for a long time, and starts to panic. What if he got hurt? The thought makes Namjoon bolt out of the car, haphazardly undoing his seat belt and getting out. Once the cold air outside hits him (it is, after all, February) he calms down a little. He remembers the breathing exercises his therapist taught him, and after being able to do three consecutive reps correctly, he starts to walk towards the convenience store.
Namjoon still feels alarmed, the worry not leaving his body just yet, but when he enters the convenience store he notices Jimin looking at the snack shelves. Or, rather, staring, since he looks more lost in thought than evaluating his snacking options seriously. He tries to make his way towards Jimin without startling him, but on his way he almost knocks a magazine tray with his leg and causes Jimin to jump a little. He winces.
“God, you scared me,” says Jimin, his cute hand on his pec.
Namjoon offers him a shy smile, now too self aware of his own body and mind. “Sorry. Are you okay? You weren’t coming and I got worried.”
Jimin looks him in the eye and averts his gaze, suddenly finding the floor, the snacks, and really just anything other than Namjoon, truly interesting. “Yeah. Sure, sorry. Let’s go,” he says, and he makes his way towards the car. Namjoon follows him, feeling uneasy. Jimin’s behaviour is… Weird at the least. But Namjoon decides he won’t push his friend, since he has pushed him too much already.
They silently get into the car, and while Namjoon is busy with his seatbelt, Jimin slumps onto the wheel, with his face hidden between his arms.
“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I don’t think I can do this.” Jimin says, and Namjoon’s every alarm goes off at the same time, because Jimin’s voice sounds wet. He sounds defeated, like he’s trying his best not to show how he truly feels to Namjoon, but his voice betrays him anyways. “I’m really sorry, I can still drive you, but I can’t do… the faking.”
Namjoon doesn’t understand. Has Jimin figured out his feelings? Is he trying to let him down easily? Is it something else entirely and Namjoon is once again making it about him? “It’s okay, Jimin. It’s okay,” he says, because it’s the truth. Even if it’s not about Namjoon, Jimin has every right to not want to do it. He tries to convey that thought. “You’re okay. This was too big of a favour to ask of you, I’m sorry.”
Jimin looks up at him, sad eyes filled with unspilled tears, tear tracks all over his cheeks. He wipes them off with his sleeve. “It was not. It wouldn’t if I wasn’t… Ugh. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologise, Jimin. It’s okay, I promise.” Namjoon answers, even though Jimin’s words have him more confused than anything.
“No,” Jimin says, and more tears come out. He sniffs, tries to dry them off again, and continues talking. “I need to be honest with you, or it will make me implode.”
“Kinda dramatic, but okay. Shoot.” That makes Jimin laugh a little.
“I… can’t fake date you. I’m sorry I can’t. I know how important it is for you to come out, but it hurts and I’m worried I’ll be too convincing because I’m in- I, I like you, hyung. Namjoon, I like you more than a friend should.” He sniffs again. “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m doing this right now.” He hides his face again, mortified and embarrassed.
And Namjoon? He’s astral projecting, probably. His brain has gone blank, not a single thought in his mind. Not a muscle of his moving, his eyes open as can be. It looks creepy, and when Jimin looks up again, his first thought is that he looks like a robot that’s been broken. Namjoon also feels like a computer analysing data not meant for his code or something like that. Whatever metaphor you can make out of it, he’s not as bright in this moment as he normally is.
“Please say something, this is making me panic. Say I didn’t ruin us, please.” Jimin fucking begs.
“You didn’t ruin anything.” Namjoon says, breaking out of his trance. “Oh my god. Jimin. You like me? You like me?” Namjoon feels drunk. Maybe he fell asleep in the car and is just dreaming all of this. But the Jimin of his dreams wouldn’t cry like this, like he’s terrified. No. Because Namjoon has never seen Jimin like this, and it looks way too realistic for his mind to have created it. “You like me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Jimin. I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t realise-”
“No, no, no. Please. Not right now. Just tell me if you hate me or not but don’t do this now because we’re still fifteen minutes away from your parents’ house and I can’t-”
“Jimin.” Namjoon says, using a tone reserved only for extreme situations. This might just be one of them. “Let me finish.”
Jimin nods, eyes panicked. Namjoon hates that he looks good even like this. You know what? Fuck it.
“I hate that you look this good even crying. What I hadn’t realised until today is that I like you too, Jimin. I think we’ve been going on dates all this time. And I hate that I’ve been stringing you along unknowingly. But I do love you. Like a friend, but also… More. You asked me why I thought of you, and the answer is because it made sense to me. I already love you, Jimin. And I’m sorry it took me this… bad fucking plan to realise. Please, don’t cry, I’m really sorry.”
Jimin hits his arm once. Then twice, then he cries harder and hides his face into Namjoon’s shoulder, over the hand brake and the gears.
“You’re so stupid,” Jimin tells him, and Namjoon smiles because despite his intelligence, that’s fair. “I didn’t say love. I said like, but you said love.” He looks up at Namjoon, who is unsure of what to do with his body. “You said love. And I know you meant it, because you can’t lie for shit.” They both smile. “I love you too,” Jimin confesses, and then he surges forward and kisses one of Namjoon’s dimples.
Jimin sits upright again, feeling refreshed and more relaxed than he has been since their dinner yesterday. He pats Namjoon’s leg and says. “Let’s go to your parents’. If you don’t want to come out today, then let’s do it another day but let’s take the tangerines at least.”
Namjoon laughs, untangling the mess he hadn’t realised had formed on his throat. He nods and says Okay.
“And one more thing,” Jimin adds. “Those weren’t valid dates. You owe me those, so figure out how you’re making it up to me.” Jimin smiles mischievously, as if he’s asking something tedious as revenge.
But Namjoon only agrees. He wouldn’t like anything more than taking Jimin out on a real, proper date.
In the end, Namjoon ends up coming out to his parents.
They take it better than expected, with only mild confusion (because, apparently, they thought rappers were excluded from being queer) before acceptance. They are, after all, his parents, and they love him no matter what.
Maybe they will never get how much this means for Namjoon, how quickly they were to accept that he won’t bring home a nice korean wife (his mother now insisting he brings a nice korean husband, at least), but Namjoon does. And Jimin does, too. And that’s what truly matters to Namjoon as he brings back home a month’s supply worth of tangerines, a newfound feeling of acceptance and the biggest news he’s ever brought to the band since he chose them over a solo career.
fin.