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If It Won't Kill Me, Then Why Am I Afraid?

Summary:

Kokichi struggles with a food phobia, but Rantaro is here to help.

Notes:

This is mostly me projecting my issues with ARFID onto Kokichi. Sorry if either of them are out of character.

Work Text:

Kokichi had always been called a picky eater by others. as a child, he was unwilling to try any new food, only sticking to a few food items he liked. it wasn't anything out of the ordinary at first. most kids were picky in some way shape or form, so no one thought much of it.

But, unlike most other children, he never grew out of it.

He never stopped being afraid of unfamiliar food. while everyone else grew older and stopped being afraid, he never stopped. he was never sure why, but if he had never tried it before, he was scared to death of it. His parents were always like "Just try it! It won't kill you." but he wasn't afraid of it being poisonous or dangerous.

To be honest, he never knew why it terrified him so much. he couldn't understand how everyone else could eat normally while he had to stop himself from having a complete meltdown over something as simple as trying a new brand of soda. it didn’t make any sense why something that was as natural as breathing to everyone else was so hard.

but his fear persisted through elementary school, then middle school, and it still hadn't gone away by the time he reached high school.

Cafeterias were a nightmare for Kokichi. they were crowded and noisy and smelled gross, but he still needed to eat or else he would die, so he went anyway. Though almost nothing seemed palatable for him, he had learned over time the art of Foraging for stuff he did like. He never talked to anyone, just kept to himself as he searched his food for anything that he was willing to force down his throat.

After a few weeks of this, he started dating Rantaro, who would sit with him and keep him company during the nightmare that was lunchtime. Rantaro didn’t seem to pick up on his peculiar eating habits, but Kokichi didn’t want to talk about his eating anyway.

But one day after he tried and failed to find anything that he was willing to try, he left the crowded cafeteria early, leaving Rantaro alone. He headed in the direction of his dorm room, hoping that maybe there, he would find something to eat. His walk was interrupted though, by a soft voice behind him that said

“Hey there Kokichi.” Kokichi whipped his head around to see Rantaro, who had followed him when he left.

“What do you want?” Kokichi yelled in response.

“Look, I just noticed that you didn’t eat anything today. You barely eat anything really. I used to think that you just had a small appetite, but I was just worried when you left, and you had barely touched your food. Now, I don’t mean to pry, but are you doing alright?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

“Because I care about you Kokichi. I just wanted to know if- “

“I don’t have a fucking eating disorder! There’s nothing wrong with me!” Kokichi yelled in frustration. The sudden anger in his voice shocked Rantaro, and Kokichi immediately regretted saying anything. “I- I- That came out wrong. I’m sorry I- “Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, but before he said anything else, Rantaro pulled Kokichi into a hug. At this, Kokichi buried his face into Rantaros shirt, which muffled the quiet sobs coming from him.

“It's ok Kokichi. You're ok. Just take a deep breath.” Rantaro said. He had been through many Panick attacks with Kokichi, and even though he wasn’t having one now, Rantaro knew exactly how he liked to be comforted. Rantaro gently rubbed Kokichis back while softly muttering comforting words. Once Kokichis crying had slowed and he was willing to lift his head from where it was buried, he said

“I’m afraid to eat, Rantaro! Other than a few foods, food scares the living shit out of me! I know it won’t kill me to try new things, but I’m still scared! I’m scared and I don’t know why!” Kokichi sobbed as Rantaro gently rubbed his head.

“Kokichi, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your fear. It's not your fault that you're afraid of new food.”

“But how is everyone else perfectly fine? Why am I the only one afraid of something stupid like this?”

“We can’t control what we are afraid of. Though your fear might feel stupid, your fear is real and valid. Food phobias suck, but you will be ok, I know you will.”

“Food phobia? I think I’ve heard of that before.” Kokichi said. He had heard of the term, but he never thought that it could apply to him.

“They're very common in younger children, but sometimes, a food phobia can persist as you get older. It fits what you’ve described to me almost to a t.”

“I never thought of that before. I always just thought I was being overly picky. It feels nice to know that I’m not just being overdramatic. But how am I going to stop being afraid? How do I get over this fear?”

“We can talk about that later. For now, do you want to head to your room for a bit? You can have some food, and we can decompress a bit.” The thought of relaxing with his boyfriend sounded magical to Kokichi. For some reason, Rantaro always knew exactly what Kokichi needed.

“That sounds wonderful. Thanks for… well, everything.”

“It's no problem! I’m always happy to help.” Rantaro smiled, and in that instant, Kokichi felt like all his problems had melted away.

Sure, food phobias were hard to live with, but Kokichi knew that as long as he had Rantaro by his side, he would be ok.