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“Chase?” Kaz asks, his voice showing his prominent worry. His boyfriend of five years called him, but he hadn’t started like he normally did, and instead had been abnormally quiet. “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah,” Chase’s tired voice sounds like it always did, like he has a grin on his face, but it was just that. Chase sounds exhausted, like he hasn’t slept. Kaz knows he hasn't slept much, if at all since Kaz went back to his flat the night before last; Chase and Kaz never did fair well sleeping away from each other. “Uh, can you come over? I have a new song I want to show you.” Chase’s voice was shaking, like he was waiting for permission to cry, which, from experience, was probably what's happening. His boyfriend only cried if he was given permission from Kaz specifically, why though, Kaz had no idea. But Chase only ever cried in front of Kaz; he never cried in front of any of their other friends. Ever. Not even in front of his brothers and sister and Skylar, Kaz’s older sister.
Kaz’s worry grew. Something was wrong. “Darling, are you sure you don’t want to get some sleep? You sound exhausted,” Kaz asks, knowing he was going to go to him regardless. When Chase was like this, exhausted and sounding like he wanted to cry, Kaz knew all he wants is his arms around him. It's been like that since before they even got together. He gets up and makes his way around his living room, grabbing his jacket and slipping it on along with putting on his trainers and grabbing his keys.
“I just want you here. I just want to show you this song, bubba,” Chase whispers, and Kaz knows immediately something (and he had a very strong feeling he knew exactly what) is wrong. He is having a red day, and only Kaz can dull the pain he feels, the tightness in his chest he only lets Kaz see. He only calls Kaz “Bubba” when he is extremely upset and is too exhausted to say anything else. It's code for 'I need you here with me but I don't know how to voice it,' and Kaz always responds to it by going to Chase's apartment to snuggle with him.
When he uses 'bubba' it means that Chase's depression came unexpectedly and he doesn't know how to make it stop. Chase suffers from bad depression, and as time goes on, Kaz can see it wasn’t letting the grasp it had on Chase any looser. It only seems to get tighter. Chase and Kaz came up with a system for Chase that they practiced every day. The stoplight system helps Kaz see what is going through his love’s head. Green days are good days where Chase is happy, he is responsive and full of light and laughter. Yellow days are okay days, where Chase was neither full of angst, but he isn't happy either. And red days, Red days were his really bad days, where Chase was crippled in pain the most, where he wasn’t at all responsive unless it was to Kaz. On red days, Chase did little more than get out of bed. He only speaks to Kaz, and he barely eats. This was usually when his most depressing songs came out, too. So Kaz can only guess the song Chase had for him to hear today.
“It’s a red day, isn’t it, baby?” Kaz asks quietly, already knowing it was. Chase’s slow, exhausted moan proved him right. “Alright, superstar. I’ll be there soon, I promise. I love you,” Kaz tells him, opening his flat door and walking out, closing the door, and locking it.
As he was heading down the stairs and to his car, Chase hums an “I love you,” to Kaz before he hangs up and Kaz sighs, running his hand through his brunette hair. He adores the way Chase said that he loves him. It was never 'I love you too' or 'Love you'. It was always 'I love you' no matter what.
He gets into his car and before he leaves, he feels tears forming in his eyes. He hates feeling so helpless when his boyfriend, the love of his life, his best friend is feeling like this. The only thing Kaz can do is be there for him and hold him. He hates not being able to do anything else, loathes it. He slams an angry fist against his steering wheel, blinking away the tears on his face so he didn’t show Chase how utterly helpless he felt when he arrived. That wouldn’t do any good for him or Chase. He starts his car and, putting the car into gear, starts driving to his boyfriend’s apartment building.
When Kaz arrives at his boyfriend's apartment building, the doorman doesn't bat an eye as he walks in, knowing who Kaz is and why he is there all the time, so he only nods at him, and then Kaz walks to the elevator to go up to his boyfriend's apartment. When he gets there, he grabs his keys and unlocks his door, because this is the reason Kaz has a key. Chase also gave it to him as a testament to him basically already living there anyway, but it was mostly for when Chase couldn't drag himself out of bed long enough on Red Days to get the door and unlock it.
He hears the creaking of Chase's bed and walks calmly towards the sound after he hangs up his jacket, takes off his shoes, and puts his keys on the counter. When he gets to Chase's room, he almost tears up again. The love of his life is curled into a small ball in the middle of his bed, under his blankets, staring at the TV on the wall opposite him blankly, as if he wasn't really watching it. In truth, Kaz had a feeling he probably wasn't watching it. His boyfriend's eyes were glazed over with tears that hadn't fallen because Kaz hadn't been there. He chokes back a sob as quietly as he can and walks over to kneel next to his boyfriend's side on the bed.
It is only when Kaz runs a gentle hand through his hair that Chase's glazed eyes turn towards him. He nuzzles into the hand that is running through his dark hair as Kaz begins to move next to him, stripping off his shirt and jeans to be in closer contact with Chase because he knows it helps. Skin to Skin contact always helps Chase come back from wherever his troubled mind takes him. Just like it did as soon as Kaz's warm muscled chest settles against his back, gently pulling his arms away from his knees and pulling his legs down to tangle with Kaz's before he wrapped his arms around him, kissing his shoulder and neck periodically, waiting on Chase. He never had to wait long once Chase was comfortable and felt safe in Kaz's loving embrace.
"It's a red day," Chase mumbles, nuzzling his head into Kaz's bicep where it's laying directly under his head. The hand of that arm cards through Chase's hair softly, scratching gently at his scalp. Chase sighs in relief. "I woke up and suddenly it felt like I couldn't breathe. Like there was too great a weight on my chest. So. . .I worked on a song to see if it would help. What came out was. . .well, I'll just show you."
Kaz hums, surprised. Chase never usually left his bed, or more accurately, Kaz's arms when it was a red day, but now he was leaving the bed altogether and moving to grab the guitar on the other side of the room. Instead of sitting at his desk like he usually would, he came back over to Kaz, who was now sitting up, and climbing onto the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of him.
"I've been working on this song for a while, it's a very sad song, and I know I'm going to cry. Is. . .is that okay?" Chase was already almost crying, and Kaz doesn't like it, but he knows he would eventually break, and he is glad he could be here for his boyfriend, even if he felt useless.
"Baby," Kaz sighs, smiling patiently at his lover. "Sweetheart you know it is."
Chase gave a jerky head nod and started strumming his hands along his guitar. When he starts to sing, Kaz can see the tears clearly starting to fall and feels his own fall as the words start falling from Chase's lips.
"No, I don't want to admit it
But there's something, you're not saying
If you don't want a commitment
No running, just say it
Maybe you want to disappear
I can't tell my God, from my fear
Feels so damn real and you're in it
If that's what's coming, I can take it"
Kaz has never heard his boyfriend sound so. . .broken before. He sounds so heartbreaking, and Kaz can feel his tears falling from his eyes. He hastily moves his hand to wipe them away, and Chase smiles shakily as he sings.
"I love you more than you love me
I can't be more sure of that
You keep on saying "No, trust me"
And nothing feels worse than that"
Kaz watches Chase’s deft fingers strum along the guitar strings and listens as he stumbles around a few of the notes. He is shaking, it's barely there, but Kaz knows Chase too well and knows it is there. He can see it from the tremble of his hands and shoulders, the way Chase draws into himself. He places a hand on his boyfriend’s knee, wishing he could do more.
"You tell me we're great, it feels like a lie
And all that I need is for you to be mine
But I love you more than you love me
Please God don't tell me I'm right
I'm wrong, right?"
All Kaz wants to do is hold him. Kaz wants to just hold him until it goes away. All of the hurt, the problems, the stress, the anxiety, all of it. He wants Chase to know how loved he is. To show him that no matter how many times Chase tries to push him away, he would stay. He’d always stay. He looks so broken, so fragile as he sings to Kaz that all he wants to do is wrap him in his embrace and keep him there until the day they die. Kaz hates seeing Chase like this, but this song is like wrapping Kaz in a too-tight hug and causing him to lose his breath. There is something so heartbreakingly beautiful about the way Chase's voice catches in some places, and even more in the way the tears fall from his boyfriend's eyes.
"I've never felt so seen by somebody
Think you know me, but don't control me
I'm used to boys leaving for money, girls, drugs
It's always something
My friends are calling my bluff
They're telling me it's all in my head, I'm enough
I know you don't recognize anxious
But it's crashing, I'll explain it
It feels like"
Chase is openly crying now, his tears flowing from his eyes and onto the dark blue sweatshirt he had put on when he got up. Kaz smiles seeing that said sweatshirt is his hoodie. It was his Tecton sweatshirt,his favorite comic book character. Kaz had wondered where it went, he should have known his boyfriend had it. Chase’s closet was overflowing with Kaz’s clothes he stole from him, but Kaz didn't mind. Kaz rubs a soothing hand over Chase’s knee, bowing his head when Chase sniffs and smiles shakily at him.
"I love you more than you love me
I can't be more sure of that
You keep on saying "No, trust me"
And nothing feels worse than that,
You tell me we're great, it feels like a lie
And all that I need is for you to be mine
But I love you more than you love me
Please God don't tell me I'm right"
Despite Kaz knowing the meaning of the song is about Chase saying what is going through his mind, his ridiculous notion that Kaz would get tired of him, Kaz can’t help but smile at his boy. He is so brave for singing this to him. Chase doesn’t usually show him unreleased songs unless he feels sure about them, and this one he seems very passionate about it. But Kaz has a feeling Chase will only ever let Kaz alone hear this one in particular.
"Why does "I'm right here" sound like "I might disappear"?
Why does "we're just fine" sound like "I'm tired of trying"?
You are using your words but I'm hearing the worst
So please God don't tell me I'm right
I'm wrong, right?
Please tell me I'm not right
I'm too close to losing it don't let me ruin this
I've never felt this in my life"
Chase takes a deep breath, his bright blue eyes speckled with golden flecks watching Kaz. He looks apprehensive about everything he is doing right now, and with a small smile when Kaz looks at him like he hung the sun, he continues his song.
"I love you more than you love me
I can't be more sure of that
I love you more than you love me
I'm so fucking scared of that
"You can't relate, but the thoughts in my mind
Convince me you're way too good to be mine
That I love you more than you love me
Please, God, don't tell me I'm right
I'm wrong, right?"
When Chase stops playing, he, without a word, gets up and puts his guitar away, coming back and looking up from his feet when Kaz makes a noise to get his attention. Kaz has his arms out, tears falling from his eyes. Without saying anything Chase takes the cue and crawls along the bed and climbs into Kaz’s lap, putting his knees on either side of Kaz’s waist and then connecting their foreheads, closing his eyes.
Chase doesn’t say anything for a while and neither does Kaz. Chase shifts slightly and pulls back and while he still doesn’t say anything, he leans a little further down and kisses Kaz. Kaz understands the message. Thank you. Kaz kisses back softly, giving his own message back, You're welcome, as he rolls them, putting Kaz in between his thighs. The kiss stays soft and gentle, not heating up or really going anywhere. Kaz pulls back and connects their foreheads again, kissing Chase’s nose.
“I hope you understand that I am never leaving you, Chase. Ever. I will be here throughout all of it. The good, the bad, the amazing, and the worst. Sweetheart, you are my entire world, and I love you so much,” Kaz tells him softly, “You are my favorite person in the whole universe, no matter what. You are so loved and you are so, so important baby. Unless you want me to leave, Darling, you won’t be getting rid of me. Understand?” he finishes, and Chase nods, letting out a sob, and wraps his arms tightly around Kaz’s back, pulling him impossibly closer.
“I’m so sorry,” he sobs, his tears falling onto Kaz’s shirtless chest. “I don’t know why I’m so broken. I’m no good. I shouldn’t be here, I’m not important, I’m not,” he hiccups, “I’m not anything worthy.” He whimpers, and Kaz tenses, pulling Chase back and staring at him, his glare pinning Chase to his spot.
“Do not ever say that you are broken, Chase. Ever. Never say that you are sorry for what you are going through, ever. Do you understand me, love? I know that you are hurting, and I am so, so sorry, but you cannot put yourself down. I wish I could take away your pain, but I can’t. I know it hurts, but do not ever call yourself “no good”. You are so, so good. Especially for me. When we met I was a stuck up, mean ass kid. What changed me? What came into my life and changed me so completely? Huh?”
“Kaz-,” Chase whimpers, shaking his head.
“No, Chase. Answer me,” Kaz kisses his cheeks, his head, and his nose, and it has the desired effect. He smiles faintly.
“I did,” Chase sighs in resignation, watching Kaz nod. “I came into your life,” he whispers.
Kaz leans down and kisses him so softly it's barely a kiss, but Chase knows that's what he meant to happen. “You did,” he agrees. “You are more important to me than anything in my life, Chase. You are my first priority, so don’t ever say you are not worthy of me, my love, alright?”
Chase nods, not saying anything else. Kaz takes it as a cue to lean down and kiss him again, putting his hands on Chase's face, holding him in place. He pulls away just as quickly. "I love you. I love you. I love you." Kaz repeats it and repeats it until Chase is laughing and trying to push Kaz away from his face where he is planting kisses all over it.
Kaz grins as an idea pops into his head.
Instead of pulling away like he usually does, Kaz sits up, maneuvering them both so that Kaz is sitting on the back of Chase's thighs and Chase is on his stomach. Kaz has also managed to get his Chase's sweatshirt off of him so both men are shirtless. He leans over and grabs the lavender oil from the bedside table, and pours the cold fluid onto Chase’s shoulders. Chase shivers and then moans when Kaz’s hands begin to rub into his shoulders, easing the tenseness away from him. Kaz smirks, knowing Chase can’t see him and leans his torso down so he can whisper in Chase’s ear.
“Feel better?” he asks, kissing the shell of Chase’s ear.
Chase moans again in contentedness and mumbles out “If you’re going to do my shoulders, do my spine and lower back too please,” and then goes back to burrowing into his pillow.
Kaz huffs a laugh, shakes his head, and then grins, leaning down to kiss his lover’s head. He loves making his boyfriend feel better.
Kaz makes his way along Chase's back, gently massaging his spine and lower back. When Kaz reaches his lower spine, Chase lets out a moan of pain. Kaz frowns at him. "What's wrong?" He asks, moving off of Chase despite his - loud - protests.
"Nothing Kaz, I'm fine, just a little sore there is all. I probably slept wrong last night," The dark haired man mumbles, turning towards Kaz onto his side. Kaz moves to lay on his back, then brings Chase to lay on his chest, his hands rubbing slow circles into the skin of Chase's lower back. Chase settles, and then flinches when Kaz's fingers hit the most tender part. Kaz immediately moves his hand away from that spot, and Chase relaxes into his embrace.
"Why didn't you take anything for it, love?" Kaz asks, reaching over to the side table next to him to grab the remote to the TV and unmutes it, then changes it to a movie they both like: The Hunger Games.
Chase shrugs. "I didn't want to get out of bed. I was pretty desolate all morning, and then earlier, I felt the need to write "right?" and I called you and then kind of. . .went back to my dazed state, I guess." He mumbles, burrowing his head into Kaz's neck. Kaz sighs, kissing his head.
"So it was a Crimson day?" Kaz asks, and Chase's hopeless shrug tells him that, yes, it has been a Crimson day. He probably hasn't eaten all day, and probably hasn't even moved except to grab his guitar and notepad.
He'd known it was a bad day, but Chase only got so dazed like that if it was a Crimson day. A Crimson day was when Chase stayed in a continuous dazed state, usually only snapping out of it if Kaz was there and continually engaging him, as he did earlier. He should have known it'd been a bad day. Chase was burrowing. He only burrows into things when he's desolately dazed like he was when Kaz arrived.
Kaz sighs again, shaking his head. "I'm glad you called me when you did, babe." Kaz doesn't say anything after that, and neither does Chase. They watch The Hunger Games for a while, and then Kaz is sitting up carefully, trying not to jostle the sleeping man on his chest.
Kaz quickly gets up and walks out of the room, walking into the kitchen to start making dinner. As he did, he called Oliver to tell him what had happened that day and how he wouldn't be at work the next day.
Kaz, Oliver, Skylar, Oliver's girlfriend and Kaz's younger sister, and Bree, Chase's older sister, along with a few other friends of theirs all worked with the recording and label company Chase was signed to, called "Elite Records." It was how they met. Allen's, a friend of Oliver and Kaz's, uncle Horace was the one who owned the record company, as well as being a doctor on the side. Kaz had been assigned as Chase's tour guide around the building, and eventually, it stuck and they became the best of friends. After a few years of being friends, a lot of sexual tension, and both of them pining after the other, they finally got their heads out of their asses and Chase asked Kaz on a date. That was five years ago.
He grabs the ingredients to make broccoli and cheese casserole, one of Chase's favorite dishes as he dials Skylar's number on his phone.
She picks up almost immediately. "Hey Kaz, what's up?"
Kaz feels a smile pull at his mouth as he grabs a mixing bowl. "Hey, sis," he says. Even to his own ears, he sounds exhausted.
"What's wrong?" Skylar's voice is sharp but has an undertone of concern in it. He shakes his head as he pushes the facetime button, placing it on a stand near him. She accepts it immediately and his face must give something away because his sister sighs. "Is it Chase?"
Kaz sighs, and pauses in his mixing of ingredients to look at her. Her pale face is drawn into concern, her eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah, Sky. He had a red day and wrote a song. A song about how he thinks I'm going to leave him, and about how he's not enough." Kaz shakes his head as Skylar sighs, watching her brother. "I just," he sighs, "I wish I could do more. I hate seeing him like this."
Skylar sighs, running a hand through her ebony curls. "You and Chase aren't coming in to work tomorrow, are you? What kind of red day was it? Red or Crimson?"
“Crimson,” Kaz sighs, looking at her.
Skylar winces and sighs, running a hand through her black curls. “Yeah, okay. Just. . . take care of him. Tell him we all love him, okay?” She asks, and he nods.
“Always. Talk soon,” He says and then smiles as he hangs up.
He goes back to cooking, placing the casserole into the oven, and setting a timer.
Kaz sighs, running his hand through his brunette locks as he uses his other hand to brace against the counter. He bows his head, sighing, this time shakily. He knew Skylar would understand, but he hates that his boyfriend is this depressed and wishes he could do something.
He feels arms wrap around his waist and turns, wrapping Chase into a hug, kissing his head. “When did you wake up?” He asks, and Chase shrugs.
“A few minutes ago,” he says, placing a kiss on Kaz’s neck where it meets his collar bones. He trails kisses up his neck and lands on his jaw, before pulling away and kissing his lips.
Kaz sighs, pecking his lips before wrapping his arms around the younger male and picking him up, setting him on the unoccupied space of the kitchen island. Kaz stands in between his legs placing his hands on Chase's hips. Chase's arms go around Kaz's neck.
Chase sniffs the air. "Are you making a casserole?" He asks, smiling at his boyfriend.
When Kaz nods, Chase's grin gets bigger. "Marry me," he groans out, kissing Kaz on the nose.
Kaz laughs. "Do you want to marry me, or my cooking skills?"
"Both?" comes the sarcastic answer, and Kaz rolls his eyes as Chase giggles into his neck.
"I would, you know," Kaz whispers lowly a few minutes later, stifling a snicker when Chase's head jerks up.
"What?" He asks, his voice soft and his hands in Kaz's hair, playing with the tips at the nape of his neck.
"I would marry you. Right here, right now if I could." Kaz states, pulling back to look into the hazel eyes of his lover.
"Really? Even with all my baggage and neediness? You'd marry me?" Chase asks, his voice quiet and his eyes hopeful.
"Even with all of that, I would marry you." Kaz pecks his lips. "Actually, on that note . . ." Kaz grins and walks away from him and into the living room. He comes back to find Chase in the same position on the counter, his face one of confusion.
Instead of giving him a verbal answer, Kaz hands him a small velvet box, before going over to the oven and checking on the casserole inside. And then afterwards coming to stand in-between his legs again. At Chase's quizzical look, he nods at him to open it. When he does, Chase gasps, bringing his hand up to over his mouth, tears welling in his eyes. Chase looks at him, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Yes Chase. I was planning to do this with a fancy dinner and on a beach somewhere but this is better because we're at home, just ourselves. I bought this ring five years ago, only a few months after we first got together because I knew you were going to be the one I wanted to be with for eternity. I knew that you were going to be the love of my life. When we first got together you said something that resonated with me so much and now I'm going to tell you, repeating these words, so that you can take it in and use it: The course of true love never runs smoothly. A person learns how to love himself through the simple acts of loving and being loved by someone else. Chase, you are the most amazing person in my life. Despite the depression, despite the bad days, despite the zero cooking ability you have or the terrible social skills you have. Chase, you are my everything. You always will be. And, while this is already cheesy enough, I have to do it to complete it. Will you do the honor of making me the happiest man in the world and marrying me?" Kaz finishes his speech, and Chase stares at him, tears now streaming fully down his face.
Chase can't speak enough to get out a yes, so he just nods and Kaz takes the sapphire jeweled gold banded ring out of the box and places it on Chase's left ring finger.
Chase's smile is infectious, and Kaz grins, kissing his fiance before picking him up off the counter and spinning him around, both of the laughing.