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𝑳𝑨𝑪𝑼𝑵𝑨 — 𝑹𝑰𝑵 𝑰𝑻𝑶𝑺𝑯𝑰.
“And now there's a missing space that's waiting for you.”
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The night your parent's had called you to talk about something important was the day you wished you did not have royal blood. You had just turned 20, and yet they were asking more of you, it's not like you wouldn't mind doing your royal duties, but this one made your blood boil.
For what must you act like a useless trophy wife? You were their only child, if not you then who else would take the throne? Everything was unfair and you knew somewhere out in the world there'd be people talking about how lucky you were. I guess you were as they had not pressed on the topic too much, but you had a feeling they'd be actively searching and noting down suitors.
It was overwhelming. That night you slept tucked deep under the covers. You knew the servants would be frightened once they saw this. They would definitely think you suffocated and died and maybe, that would've been better.
The morning came fast and your sleep was light, it did not replenish your energy that much, but you certainly felt better. A few knocks were heard and a voice, “Please excuse us, your highness.”
Then several footsteps were heard and then the chatter of servants. The sheets were ripped off you and up you went, grabbed by the servants and dragged to get ready. You did not mind, they were your friends and they had known you for long.
“Have you not heard? There is a ball being hosted tonight.” one stood idly to the side as the other cleaned your face, “I had thought you would've been up early, the but it seems..like you weren't notified.” you let out a sound of agreement, you weren't in the mood to talk. There were three other servants readying the bath. “Do you think it's being held in my honour?” you asked, suddenly wide awake at possibilities.
“Erm, well it is being held at the castle so possibly, otherwise it could simply be due to business reasons.” They said simply, “Do not fret too much.” And the other suddenly perked up, “I heard that the Count's son would be there!”
The Countess and Count had already passed because of old age. They are rarely whispered about and you do not know who their son is but you were certain that they did not have any kids.
Before you could ask, they bowed. “The bath is ready, please make it out on time for breakfast.” And they left you to your own devices. A horrible choice, really. Now you could only worry about the ball being held tonight, you were at the mercy of your own parents. A feeling of discomfort pricked your senses. You had a premonition that this would not end well.
As you walked down the hall there were whispers of tonight and Rin Itoshi whom you have heard of but did not know, he was taken in as the count's son. Everyone knew of him, only by name. He was a banished prince; the Count and Countess took pity on him, so did everyone really. He is rumoured to be shockingly handsome and this was the only time he would be in the spotlight for everyone to gaze at him, apparently.
Well, you did see him once or twice, but it was only the back of his head, then again, that was when you were a kid and he had just been taken in. You do not know Rin Itoshi and how ‘special’ he is. You only know that his name has been haunting you everywhere you go. It seems like fate. Everything is ready for tonight.
“Your highness, it's time.” your servant ushered you out of your room and into the gathering crowd; who stepped away to let you pass as you took the place next to your parents. The waltz with everyone would start soon, but not before the King and Queen danced first.
Then began the music. Your mother smiled at you, “You look great Hun! Make sure to pick a partner to dance with.” You really didn't want to. “Oh! It's starting, shall we?” your father spoke, quite loudly, and took her hand. You cannot comprehend how he ended up with her, but all is well.
There was a familiar face in the crowds, a man with black hair and blonde streaks made his way to you, tumbling through. “Let's dance!” he offered his hand and you gave him a look. “With you? No thanks.”
He grinned, “Aww, don't be like that! I only stepped on your feet a few times.” you would not make a fool out of yourself like that again, seriously. “Well, whatever! I heard that you wanted to meet Rin, so you should dance with him.”
“I did not say anything about meeting him—” you defended yourself, you had just been curious and you knew Bachira had connections to him so you offhandedly mentioned him in a letter. He dragged you through the crowd and onto the dance floor.
Everyone had joined now, “But you did want to know how he'd look, how he is and why he was banished. Am I wrong?” Bachira sighed, hopelessly. “Well, you're not exactly right either..” you huffed at his antics, he had improved in dancing. “Whatever! I'm doing you a favour so suck it!”
You had come to the conclusion as you were getting ready for the gathering that you should make a deal with Rin- or at least try to. It would be mutually beneficial. You also wouldn't have to act like a sap.
And Bachira grew further away as you switched partners, he bid you goodbye and waved towards you and left the dance floor mouthing something along the lines of ‘Tell me all about it later!’ You were going to beat him up later.
Your partner had nice,smooth black hair and bright blue eyes to compliment it, he was pretty. You definitely had not seen him before, was this actually Rin? You opened your mouth to speak, “Rin.”
“Yes, that is me. What do you want with me?” he squinted— or glared at your face, this man was crude, but you did have ulterior motives afterall. “I want to make a deal with you.” He didn't seem interested and that encouraged you to continue.
“Become my suitor.” you had not meant for it to sound like a demand, but it did. He scoffed, “What's in it for me?” And you hesitated, “I'll give you anything you want.” He stared at your eyes—in a possible attempt to see if you were being truthful.
“You want revenge right? Then I will provide you with aid.” You reasoned, the man's grasp was light, unlike his character. “And how do you know that?” His eyebrows furrowed as he huffed. “It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.” It really doesn't.
“No.”
“What?”
He exhaled, “I decline your offer, I'd rather do it myself.”
“Then, please give me 50 days of your time, 3 hours of your evenings and If you fall, you will become my suitor and I will aid you, anyways. There's nothing for you to lose.” you insisted stubbornly. It seemed like he knew this would get nowhere if he didn't agree. “Fine, 50 days, you will take up only my evening's,” you smiled.
The music was coming to an end, he spoke up again. “But do remember that I won't fall easily.” and the warmth of his hands left yours, everything came to a close. You both bowed. “Thank you.”
He left, sending you a mere glance and walking off. This man would be a case and you did not know what spurred you to actually make a deal with him. It was a simple idea but you did not plan to go through with it. Now, you have to play your cards right.
Rin Itoshi is quite the man, although he is simple. You can see what he wants clearly and he wants to gain. You could easily become the ruler of this kingdom if you win his heart. You too will gain alongside him.
You made your way back to your parents, who were left baffled, “I shall retire for tonight, please excuse me.” you left with a bow. As of now you were determined to get your way.
You sunk into the covers for a peaceful slumber. This would be exciting.
You could vividly remember his eyes, the way they crinkled, closed and stared at you, you thought that his eyes were the most wonderful part of him. He was pretty, ethereal even, and that made you feel nervous; inferior, perhaps.
His hair was matte black and it seemed ever so soft, it fell over his eyes at times and he tolerated it. His lips were rosy, his cheeks were too and despite him trying to come off as cold, his looks were warm. Endearingly so. You remembered him from somewhere but you could not put your finger on it.
Anyways—you should not even be dwelling on his enchanting appearance, it would do you no good in preparing for this evening, how were you even supposed to capture his heart? His heart is one that seems chained up, in a cage or either made of stone. You proposed quite the awkward deal and you had hoped that the both of you would not be sitting at a table in silence.
Surely, it was too early for you to have such affections for him, but you would not deny that you had a slight crush, you did not like his personality, although, he was rather pleasing to look at and right now, Bachira was pushing you towards him. Or in other words, encouraging you.
The clock striked 5 and you were in a hurry to get ready, you'd eat dinner at the Count's manor with Rin. You had informed your parents of this and they did not say anything about it. You could tell that your mom was especially unhappy though.
After the carriage ride you were escorted to Rin. Your intuition was right, this dinner would be silent; if it wasn't the consequences of your own actions. You awkwardly coughed, “So...do you have any hobbies?” His utensils scratched the plate. “Not really, I enjoy reading..and sometimes watching sports.” He breathed out, keeping it short and simple, this was going to be tough.
“And..your job?” You played with your food, “Other than dealing with the manor's business, I'm the captain of division one in the tower of magic.” He's boring to talk with, this conversation was one-sided, if only he could return the questions.
“Oh, that's where Bachira works, right?” and he went stiff when you mentioned the lad's name. He hummed in agreement. “So then, is there anything you'd like to ask me?” he seemed to freeze, the cogs in his head were turning and he was thinking. “Why do you want this deal to work out? And why did you choose me of all people?” he chose not to start off with the easy questions, but the complicated ones instead.
You had a feeling he'd ask this, you weren't sure how to answer, “I think we both have a lot to gain from this deal, I do not actually want to get married either as I'm young and...the reason I chose you was out of luck, I guess. I had heard your name quite a lot that day.” you sighed.
You could not tell if he was pleased by your answer, “Are you done?” He asked with a tilt of his head, “No, not really.” You huffed and rolled your eyes, you didn't even get to eat a bite. “Well, too bad, let's go.” He calmly said, and grabbed his coat.
“To where?”
“Your damn carriage, it's been 3 hours, pay attention.”
“Oh.” you lost track of time. He was not as unpleasant as he seemed, you thought. He walked you back to your carriage—even waiting until he was out of your view as the carriage moved. He was not that bad of a man, you thought.
Evening II.
“You took quite the time getting here.” He was snarky today, just what had gotten into him? “My bad, I just wanted to look good for you.” you jested. Bachira had slowed you down in getting ready and possibly rubbing off on you, “Well, you look awful.” you knew, the bags under your eyes were very noticeable; you had stayed up late again, signing documents.
“Thank you, you look lovely as usual.” you commented sweetly, he shot you an exasperated look. “You're annoying.” and with that you settled down in silence. Or at least—until you decided to speak up; deciding to ruffle his feathers a bit. “I think we make a good couple.” his eyes bore into yours and he was not impressed, “Well, I don't.” and he kicked your leg under the table. What a guy. For a man so strict and rigid, he sure had a childish side to him
His presence was tolerable, but it was too early to say you were fond of him. The banter was fun and perhaps, you were looking forward to it.
Rin Itoshi is not a man of words, rather his actions show what he means, he sometimes freezes up when he's trying to think, it's cute, really. And maybe, he is not a cold man at all, maybe, he's just simply been perceived wrongly his whole life.
“Evening” III.
Rin Itoshi is hauntingly beautiful, you think. You had convinced him to change the meeting to later, tea time. And in the dead of night only a few candles had been lit, his attire was dark but regal, it suited him. The moon's light settled on him as if it were a stage, spotlight, only for him; you think you've made a bad decision as now you were entranced by his looks.
“Stop staring, ugly.” he huffed out, he was quite childish. “You're ruining the mood.” you reasoned with him, leaning your head on your hand. “There was no mood to begin with.” his eyebrows furrowed and he sighed.
“Did you eat well? Without me.” you questioned, smugly, emphasising, “Is this how you plan to win my heart? With your cheeky stunts. And yes, I did, infact, eat well without you.” he looked annoyed at you. “Maybe.” you shrugged, “I did not plan out how I would exactly win your heart.” your voice sounded weird, foreign even, to be talking in such a way.
“Good. It would've been weird if you had done so.” he sipped on his tea. And you thought, Rin Itoshi really is beautiful, he's a sight to behold; the rumours did not lie, and his fair complexion could rival the moon's. “You're pretty.” you complimented, genuinely. Your intention was not to flirt with him. “I know, I get it a lot.” his lips tugged up into a slight smile, before he ‘fixed’ it. “Come on, your time is over.” he stood up.
Yes, you were already looking forward to meeting him each day, Rin Itoshi brings excitement and thrill to you. You could not read his character at times, and he could be unpredictable, but that's what you liked best. Soon, you'd leave for the palace again, watch the sun rise and wait for it to set, just so you could see Rin and idly chat with him, something a heir like you could not afford.
It felt as if you had regressed back into a child, you could playfully banter with him, even though he did not reciprocate at times. You were not given the time to grow up, you were a child at heart and you always will be, although you are always treated like an adult with Rin it's different, you think. With Rin you could act childishly and foolishly, without someone to reprimand you. Maybe, it was the same with Rin.
And with Rin, it was fun. It had already only been 9 hours with him and the hours were treasured. He would make a great friend. It made you feel pathetic that in the span of 9 hours you had already grown attached. Your mother would not be happy, but you were glad you weren't as cautious as her or Rin.
Evening X.
On the 10th evening you both sat in silence. There was nothing interesting to talk about. A few glances were shared and strained chatter coming from you, mostly. Rin Itoshi wasn't a fan of small talk, so you tried to spare him.
Was this game already coming to an end? Were you getting nowhere with Rin? You pondered. There was still a lot to learn from him, a lot to learn about him; his likes and dislikes. The silence nipped at your nerves, and so spoke, “How was your day?” you felt uncomfortable and your voice came out scratchy.
“Good. How was yours?” he stared directly at your face whilst speaking, making you feel conscious. “It was quite boring, you know, maybe, one day I should visit the tower.” you stretched your arms.
“Absolutely not. The people working there are a bunch of mongrels.” he scoffed and rubbed the bridge of his nose as if they were truly off the rails. “And you're not?” you shot back with an amused look. “Of course not. I lead the first division. If I wasn't responsible why would the head Mage appoint me?” he questioned, bumptiously, brows furrowed, eyes glaring.
“The things people do to retire..” you sighed, sitting back and stretching your legs under the table. Rin stepped on your foot, Your body jerked and your chair screeched. “That hurt!” and he rolled his eyes, “I don't care.”
You were sure bruises were going to form. You were truly a disciplined heir. Too good. You would never do this to anyone. And that tells you a lot about Rin Itoshi. “You're such a narcissist.” you sighed and sat back down, “And you're lukewarm.” his weird analogy was going to be the death of you.
You now question if you truly wanted to be stuck with him. A part of you said yes and the other said no. Would you find better than Rin Itoshi? Or was he simply the best? You wouldn't know until you've stuck it out with him.
Evening XV.
You guys are getting along swimmingly! Unless it's just a one-sided delusion that your mind had formed. No one would possibly believe you if you said that you were to marry Rin Itoshi. But here you are, working your way up the ranks! You assume..
“You're quiet today.” Rin noted, sitting down after his coat was taken. “Thank you for the obvious speculation, Einstein.” you grumbled, and swallowed a spoonful of soup.
“What's gotten into you today?” he rolled his eyes, questioning inquisitively, “'m just tired.” you slurred. His tone was soft, the room was warm and the lights were dimmed. You were getting drowsy. “What did you do today that got you so tired?” he stared at you, seemingly observant.
“Signed documents, argued with my mother, and more duties.” you breathed, your back aches from sitting in that forsaken chair in your study. “Lay down.” his tone was soft, almost as if it was whispered, you were surely falling asleep. “Huh?”
“Go to sleep.” he snapped, lightly, and you cracked an eye open to look at him. He sighed, “The sofa..is free, or if you want, you can rest in a room here.” He was getting annoyed, probably.
“Mm.” you leaned back in your chair, unbothered to respond, traversing the edge of sleep. “Gosh.” Rin snapped and got up. And you felt your body going up, probably ascending, you think.
And you were put down later, a silky fabric scratched your skin, you felt a weight on your forehead and at that moment, you actually crossed over to dream land.
Evening XVI.
You had awoken in a foreign room, on a large bed. The last thing you remembered last night was talking to Rin and then, …perhaps you fell asleep? Yes, that would explain why this room matched the interior of the manor so much.
A few knocks sounded on the door, “I'm coming in!” a voice you had not heard before announced and you felt the rush of cold air slipping into the room as soon as the door opened. “Greetings, I will help you get ready for today, my lord awaits you.” the servant bowed and rushed over.
You had thought he would simply send you home when you awoke, but it seems like he had other plans. Your parents were probably worried sick, your mother was going to be mad.
“You took your time.” Rin commented as you walked into the dining room. “Well, it takes longer to get ready with just one servant helping.” you remarked, irked. “How many servants do you have?” he inquired, in what seemed to be curiosity.
“5.”
“Really? Usually one of noble blood would have 3, you are simply extra.” his eyebrows raised.
“Whatever, I have to return to the palace, my parents are probably worried.” you brushed off his comments and waited for his reply.
“I already informed your parents.” with indifference, he dug into his breakfast.
“Oh.”
“Are you going to stand there the whole day? Sit down.” he grumbled. Old man.
Evening XVII.
Another argument occurred with your mother this morning, she had not approved of your choice on making Rin your suitor; Rin informed her properly before you did. And she claimed that there were others that were better. But was there really?
It was going well with Rin, and you felt like being selfish for once, why must you sacrifice so much for others? Why can't you put your happiness first? You wouldn't even be considering Rin as your suitor if it wasn't for your parents actively forcing it on you. It's the consequences of their actions.
And the feelings flowed like poison through your veins, it was bitter and numbing. You were tired of this already, but you had to keep this performance up. You entered the Count's manor and walked to the dining room. You might as well live here at this point. “Did you fair well today?” you sat down in front of Rin and asked the man.
“It was okay, what about you?” at least he was reciprocating. Dinner went fast and so did your conversation. Your meeting for today was coming to a close. And you hesitated before leaving. Since when did Rin Itoshi become your happiness?
Evening XXX.
It was the 30th day and you were starting to wonder if you had really made any progress with him, you had 20 days left, if these feelings only affected you it would be shameful.
It was going to be winter soon, and when winter came the plants wither, the kingdom of Roselia seems barren, there would be thick snow that came up to your shins and the couples would blossom in the winter. Maybe, you and Rin would too.
“Do you like me?” your feelings had taken over and urged you to ask.
“What?” Rin froze and stared at your direct question, before composing himself, “I..do not.” you know that he is an honest man, if anything he'd surely tell you the truth if he did, his tone did seem truthful, but then again, he was unreadable. And now you definitely felt ashamed. Were you imagining the mutual attraction?
You stayed silent that evening, scraping the edges of your plate. There wasn't anything else that you could talk about to Rin, you hoped your emotions weren't present on your face. Your mother would probably have her way in the end, Rin Itoshi does not share what he's feeling, so it is likely that the outcome would always be the same.
Your motivation was dwindling, you urged yourself to keep going, 20 days left, the tide could change. But with Rin you are not sure.
Evening XXXI.
You had requested Rin's help for the upcoming winter festival, the use of mage's could enhance the performance of the dancers, but after you asked him that question yesterday you didn't feel like showing your face in front of him.
If not for Bachira's nagging, then you definitely would not. And here you were, quietly seated across Rin, signing documents and asking for suggestions.
“Are you..okay?” Rin quietly spared you a glance from the sofa and brought you out of your daze. Returning to the papers in front of you on the table,“Yes, why wouldn't I be okay?” you coughed. And he sighed, “If the paperwork is too much for you just leave it.”
“And, just who would be filling it out?” you raised a brow. You had no one to do it for you, he knew that. He leaned his head on his hand, staring straight ahead, at you.
“I'll do it.” the air seemed to escape your lungs at his proposal, would you do such a tedious task for someone you did not like? Or were you simply over analysing the ‘signs’. Rin Itoshi was unreadable, once again, and you wished for a second, atleast to see him vulnerable. The tension between you both seemed to be resolved, ignoring what happened yesterday. Maybe, this was the fruit of friendship—no. You did not like him platonically, you knew that. And, now you feel like you should run away from your feelings.
“Okay.., you can do it then.” you settled, softly and uneasily. You both sat in silence for a few minutes, until he opened his mouth and hesitated with a few bated breaths. “Do you..want to rest?” It seemed like a silent request to sit next to him, you hesitated too, before responding, “Alright.” and your chair screeched as you got up and sat on the sofa, albeit a bit too stiffly.
Rin Itoshi's warmth attracted you, you hesitated for the 3rd time, before shifting your head to lean on his shoulder. He froze, and you could feel the vibration of his heart beating throughout his body. He was uncomfortable. You sat up quickly, “I'm sorry—” his gloved hand gripped your clothes, in an attempt to pull you back, a silent action to tell you that it was okay. You laid back in your former position.
You did not know what to do, you could hear his heart beating, again. The warmth radiated off his clothes and you could not steal a glance of his face—or you could not bear to see his reaction and ruin this. Rin Itoshi seemed to make you feel scared, intimidated even. You felt sickeningly warm.
For now you'd rest with Rin and sweetly bask in his presence for as long as you can.
Evening XXXII.
You settled into a comfortable position on the wooden chair, “Rin, what is it that you long for?” you asked, the topic was closed off and it piqued your interest. He looked taken aback by the sudden question and stayed silent, his eyes softened for a few seconds before it shifted back into its fierce position. “The throne.”
“Why?” you tested the waters, once again. “...It is rightfully mine.” he settles, there is nothing else you could ask, nothing else you could interrogate about that. You wanted to know more, more about him. “Do you have any family members back there?” he tensed up and suddenly, he looked angry, You could not tell if the cause was you or something else.
“Yes.” his gaze hardened as he stared at the wooden table, “I have a brother, the current king..” he whispered, his fingers tapped on the surface of the table, you were lurking into unknown waters. He seemed to overcome his temper with you. You did not bother to ask more as he looked slightly pained.
“Would you like to see the festival with me?” you changed the topic, even if this offer did not work out you both could have a final day together and maybe, remain friends.
“..What?” he was confused at the sudden question. “The winter festival, would you like to go with me? Take it as a final day of being together, if this deal doesn't work out.” you smiled, he stayed silent for awhile, thinking about it, before answering, “Fine.”
And Rin Itoshi complied to your demands, even taking care of you, though rather harshly, when it's not needed. You must be quite the charmer, you think. Your ego was getting worse. You had not spoken about what occurred the day before, it was better forgotten after all. To Rin at least, you assume.
Evening XL.
The rough fabric of his sleeve bothered your skin as you walked through the garden, arms intertwined with him. It was a serene evening, sun setting and all. The trek was tranquil and you wished he would say something to ruin it, was he having second thoughts? You were no mind reader, you would not know.
The way he offered his arm before was shocking, but it made sense. You had to escort a royal properly, after all. “So—” your voice cracked, “When do you plan on going back to your Kingdom?” he looked rigid at your question, “When the war starts.” he gazed into the distance and you blinked, twice, owlishly, you had not known of a war? Or were you not informed?
“A war? I have not heard my parents discussing this?” this was dangerous, your Kingdom rivalled his and a lot of commoners would be impacted during this. Eventually, one Kingdom would surrender or be defeated and even you could not predict that. “Yes, that's because,” he hesitated with a few beats, “I have permission to declare the war and it is only discussed within the armed forces.” he let it all out.
You came to a conclusion, was this plan all for naught? “So..you'd be taking part in the war? And that's how you'd get the throne?” he hummed in confirmation, “So…what if you're not able to come back?” or what if you don't bother coming back? was what you meant. You trusted Rin, but anyone could break a deal off like that.
He seemed to get the underlying meaning of your words and unhooked his arm from yours, he stood in front of you, “I will honour my side of the deal if it works out that way,” he muttered, eyes piercing into yours and he descended to the ground, one knee to the floor, grasping your hand. “I promise.” you could feel his lips on your hand, it was a silent pledge of his loyalty—to this deal, of course.
You do not know what makes Rin do these things, it seems almost as if he's the one trying to pursue you and not the other way round, it was unfair. And you could see the tint of pink that coated his cheeks as he stood up, he composed himself with a cough. “You did not have to—”
“I know, isn't this how the people of this Kingdom show their promises though?” he ran his hand through his glossed hair and you continued walking at a pace with him.
“I suppose.” you hummed, your heart was still beating from earlier, you had not received a pledge like that before. And you tried to take your mind off it by looking at the flowers in the garden; they were marvellous, there were many assortments of different kinds, colours, so very pretty. If fairies did exist, you were sure that they'd live here. “Do you..” he trailed off and coughed again, “Do you want some?” his face was turned and your hands itched to see it, to touch his face.
“Look at me.” you spoke, without thinking. He exhaled, trying to mask his expression, “What is it now?” he turned. You cupped his face and he stood, stiff like a board, “What?” he repeated, voice sounding airy, eyes getting drawn into each other's. “Your face.” you whispered and his eyebrows furrowed, he glared and slapped your hands away, stepping back, “What's wrong with my face?” he huffed.
“No, I was just wondering—if there was something wrong as you kept turning.” you played it off, coolly.
“Oh, let's head back inside.” he suggested in slight embarrassment turning around, again. And walked off with you trailing behind, his ears were tinged with pink. The topic from before was long forgotten.
Evening XLI.
“The tea is lukewarm.” he stated—or commented, “Are you talking about the temperature or …” he rolled his eyes, “The temperature, you can drink it now.” he notified you, Winter was approaching fast, and the night came faster, the sky outside was grey and clouded in gloom.
The moon stood strong in the night's domain, the stars too. It was pretty, you wanted to dwell here forever. “The sky looks good tonight.” you commented and he agreed, “It's pretty.” you would never have expected him to compliment something so sincerely. And you never seemed to notice how his eyes were locked on you instead of the sky.
“The manor is always so beautiful.” Just like its owner, you glanced at him and drank your tea. “I didn't know you liked it this much.” there was a lilt to his tone. “It's not as luxurious as the castle, but it's still lovely, I can imagine living here one day.” you droned on, and he hummed, “Maybe.” you were aghast at his response, “Do you—” “You should leave now.” his teal eyes dwelled on yours, he was not ready to come to terms with his feelings and neither were you, but you so badly wanted to ask the forbidden question again.
“Oh. I'll take my leave then.” you were a bit bummed, maybe a bit hurt too that he dismissed you like that. “There's,” he glanced at you and looked away, “some flowers left in the carriage for you.” He closed the door to his study, on you. He was acting odd.
Evening XLII.
Both of you were dressed in white and roaming the gardens of the manor, where you finally stepped into the fancy sun-room that had a clear arched roof. Inside the room, the glass panes were decorated with flowers—and even gargoyles. And oxidised gold lined the edges of the interior. His tone was uncharacteristically endearing as he asked if you liked it, even stating that he made it for you as he knew you liked the flowers. Rin was sweet.
And you were delusional, It was a ludicrous dream and you came to terms with the fact that you wanted this deal to work out, badly. It was not even about the deal anymore; it was about your feelings, and you hoped that Rin returned the sentiment. On the last day, at the festival you'd confess. You'd ask him to take his time to mull over your confession and hold your head high, calm and collected.
But, if he denied then.. “Stop making weird faces.” he snapped, looking at you in concern. “I am not! This is how I always look.” you brushed off, confused and annoyed. “Then, you look…” he trailed off, pausing, eyes fixed at your appearance. It felt as if things were repeating, “—ugly.” he settled and moved his scrutinising gaze back to his book. “You too, your charm is starting to wear off—I think you look uglier now.” you spoke, voice enlaced in pettiness. The words you spoke were anything but true.
“Sure.” he flipped to the next page, “Are you seriously reading about philosophy?” you questioned, that could not be.
“What else would I be reading?” he raised a brow, lost.
“Novels—there's so many popular ones now, like Emily's—” he cut you off, “And so I've heard, I guess you'd just have to recommend me one.” he murmured.
“Is that so? Then gladly! I shall fetch one for tomorrow.” you rattled on.
And you didn't notice how his stare lingered on you, admiring. So oblivious.
Evening XLIII.
It had been getting a bit chillier these days. Well, frost began to coat the grass and settle on rooftops. It was bound to snow soon, you hoped the changing of seasons would bring you luck. “This novel isn't that bad.” Rin spoke in satisfaction, he appeared to like it, “I told you they were good.” you groaned.
He ignored your comment whilst flicking through the pages, “You really annotated it all?” he raised a brow, wondering where you got the time from. “Yes, sorry about that..” you knew a fresh copy would be better, but you wanted to share this with someone.
“It's okay, I like it.” he resumed back to reading, you could not see his face, once again. The book was blocking your view. He always did this, at least to you.
Your hands were cold and now shaking. Winter was getting to you badly and you had not dressed for this occasion; having tea with Rin on the large balcony of the manor.
“Are you okay?” he took notice of your shaking, you wondered how many times he's actually asked you that all together. “No,” you exhaled, you could see your breath in the air, “It's terribly cold, do you not feel it?” you rubbed your hands together. “You must be sick.” he assumed.
“I'm not, it's just that I did not dress for this weather.” you sighed as he shifted and got up. You could hear the tapping of his shoes across the floor and then a heavy weight of cloth, presumably Rin's cloak. You could hear him breathing from behind and you would've turned if it had not been for the sneaking hands, that held yours. His hands were warm and you could clearly hear and feel his heartbeat from behind.
“Is that better?” he whispered, you did not know what to say and tried to turn to face him, but his arms kept you trapped in place. “Yeah.. aren't you cold though?” you wanted to see his face. “No, you're quite warm.” most of his weight was leaning on your chair, and you guessed that he was badly hunched over as you were sitting. He would surely be in pain later, but the gesture was appreciatively sweet.
“My friend told me that couples do these things.” he hissed, breath tickling your ear, regretting listening to his friend's advice, “But we're not a couple.” you reasoned. You think this means that he reciprocates your feelings. “I know, but if we do these things then..” he paused, thinking about what to say next, “Then, I would know if I had feelings for you.” he settled, head now leaning on your shoulder, his voice faded out.
You were startled out of your wits, your heart ached and raced. “So.. there's a possibility of you liking me?” you replied, heart beating in anticipation, “Obviously, this deal was made solely for that reason, have you forgotten already? ”
“So you do like me?” you asked again, hopefully, and his head bumped into yours, he did not answer, “It's getting too warm.” he sighed, “Then, you should let go,” you muttered, playfully. “But, I still haven't heard you say it.”
“Say what?”
“That you like me.”
“Don't get too excited about this.” he sighed and let go, “I'm heading inside.” his face was flushed.
Evening XLV.
It was comforting, you thought. The way he smelled, his touch and voice. You were surprised that he even agreed to come this close to you, it was a big step, to be huddled up together under a blanket with only a lamp to illuminate the words on the pages of the book, not that you needed to see it, Rin was reading it to you, it felt almost too doting.
Only for you did he free up his schedule, only for you he rushed his work and only with you he was close, physical, limbs entangled and bodies pressed up against each other. It was so very warm, you only got this drowsy with him, you would definitely drift off to sleep soon.
Just a moment longer, you wanted to savour it whilst it lasted. His hand smoothened out the wrinkles of your nightwear as he affectionately and soothingly rubbed your back. Too good to be true, you hope the food from before wasn't poisoned, only now you seemed to be lucky.
Rin was luck to you, you don't know how it all changed so quickly, but it was true. Your feelings became increasingly obvious over the past few days, it was surreal. Though, even now you seemed to have to wait and take it slow, only for Rin. Something was holding him back almost guiltily.
Evening XLVII.
Perhaps things were going too well between you and Rin, you told the news to your parents and they did not reject it. You were happy, more than you could've possibly imagined in this outcome. These few days Rin had told you about his Kingdom and past. Or at least a little bit, he was opening up, slowly and you greatly appreciated it; he was being vulnerable with you.
Bachira also congratulated you, things were going great and the weather was quite lovely too, although it was gloomy, you could appreciate it if things continued on like this. The sky was full of grey, it was going to rain soon and you had arrived early to Rin's study, just incase. You were excited to see him. The clock ticked, moving slowly.
You wanted to see him, badly. You were just being impatient, you knew that, but you wanted to share the news with him and it felt too quiet without him. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. The minutes went to an hour and now you were worried, had something happened to him? You did not know his plans for today.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Another few minutes went by and you began asking the servants, but they had not known either. Surely, Rin knew that you were going to meet today? Maybe, he got held back in a meeting. And it began to rain.
Tick. Tick. Ti—your thoughts had betrayed you; what if this was all a ploy and Rin wanted to make fun of you? What if—this was some sick joke? Your mind was a mess, thoughts jumbled and ripping apart. You stopped walking about and chose to sit down to compose yourself.
Rin wouldn't do that, he was loyal, he made a pledge to you, But even you should know that it could be broken. You refused and chose to wait instead. You had faith in him.
L.
You waited— in the same room, for two days. Still as a board and only moving when food came or to go to the bathroom. You slept, a bit, you were weak and weary, possibly delirious, imagining he was still here. Bachira had come to visit you today, “You know this already,” he sighed, confirming your fears, “he's gone off to war, have faith that he'd win, today's the festival day too. You have to go out whether you like it or not.” he reasoned, messing around with a pen.
Silence. You spoke, voice scratchy and throat dull, “But, he did not tell me..that it was approaching so soon.” it almost felt like betrayal. No, it was betrayal. He had known beforehand and did not tell you. What if he returned to you dead and bloodied? Just what would you do then? You didn't want to lose him.
He didn't bother to think about you, you weren't as important as you thought, pathetic. You planned to confess to him properly today and that made it even more depressing. If anything, Rin Itoshi would always be a cold man, no matter what, he was fit for winter, no relationship would do him justice and you do badly hoped that he'd return to you in one piece just to trap you in the warmth of a lover's embrace and push these thoughts away, give me some affirmation.
But, it was so unbearably cold. You were alone, with nothing to fend for, was it all for naught? Your heart was still fighting, but it still badly hurt and anxiety got to you, before Rin did. Your mother would tell you that she was right, that Rin was truly no good and that you should find someone better. But was there anyone better than Rin? No, there wasn't, you were attached to Rin now, his existence was etched into your mind and his name was engraved into your skin.
Your soul would surely depart if you never reunited with him again, you doubted you could live without him, pathetic. Right now you could do nothing but bear the words, the show must go on until the end. And you hoped that he would return quickly.
There laid a letter across the barren land, splattered in the blood of a messenger.
The letter read,
‘ Dear , I sincerely apologise, I did not know how to bring this topic up to you, about the war. It's probably as if I had led you on, I promise I did not and I didn't mean for it to come off like that. I hesitated in telling you about my feelings, I'm sure you knew about it already, but I do love you and I did not get to tell you properly, so I hope this letter will find you in good health and will give you some sense of affirmation.
I will come back for you.
—Yours truly, Rin Itoshi. ’
The letter was soggy, with water and the ink had smudged. There was no proper address of the person the man was writing to, only dear. And this letter would remain unknown to you. Covered by the sand until it finally blew away and found water to dissolve in. The pieces of paper would depart down the found stream, just like your soul.
END.
The time you both had reunited was when you were getting married, it had been a year after the war, after Rin had secured his position, all connections to his Kingdom had been restored and the role of Count had been fulfilled by Isagi. There was a dull ache in Rin's chest, longing, untimely glances that nobody saw between the both of you.
You were exchanging rings, and Rin longed to be in your husband's place. He did not deserve to, he knew. You were mad, impossibly so, that you did not return his letter, he thought. But, he told you he loved you and that he'd even come back for you—he promised to. He doesn't understand why it is that he was left behind. Maybe, you were fooling him all along, maybe, you did not believe in him—or his words.
It felt as if a weight had been placed on his forehead, his head was aching and the tears were held back, it was another betrayal to be marked in his book, a betrayal he could not get over, he thinks he can hate you, pretend and be selfish for the sake of it. But, he still loved you and he would always love you until the end of time. The feelings did not seem to be returned as now you were married, your heart and soul probably attached to another and Rin would have to leave quickly, before he'd cause an ugly scene, which would probably result in another war—it was far too early for that.
The hearts did grow fonder overtime, but they were not meant to stay side by side, together. Now there was a space missing, waiting to be filled, who would've known that the banished prince and heir of Roselia had gotten stuck in this cycle with no way to erase the unpleasant red ‘defeat’ of this ending off the screen. Even if their love continued, so did fate. And it ripped them apart.
©️M3GSI3N, do not plagiarise, copy or translate!