Work Text:
Time was moving a lot faster than Sieun liked. It felt like the maths teacher was barely there 20 minutes before the bell rang for breaktime. The students bid their teacher goodbye and began moving out of their chairs to stretch and leave the classroom. Sieun felt his stomach growl again. It's been rumbling all morning since he intentionally skipped out on having breakfast in favour of getting to school early and studying.
He sighed as he closed his books and put them away under his desk. He got up and looked at the desk in the far back where his friend sat with his head buried in the fluffy pink cushion he always sleeps on. Suho was the only friend he had in the class that was currently there, Beomseok being absent due to being sick. So he walked over in his usual sluggish, poor-posture manner and stood above the boy, contemplating whether he should wake him or let him rest until the next class.
Before he could decide Suho shifted in his sleep and faced him, and as if he felt the presence of Sieun lingering above him he cracked one eye open and said, "What?"
"Do you want to grab a snack?"
Suho sat up, rubbed his face and replied, "Sure." As he stood up to follow Sieun he let out a groan that made a couple of student turn to him in terror. "Dammit, my back is killing me. Sieun-ah, do something." he whined trying to stretch the pain away.
Sieun looked at him with a straight face. "What am I supposed to do about that?" Suho grunted and draped his arms over Sieun's shoulders, leaning into him for support. "Besides, it's probably all because you sleep on the desks at night."
"Oh yeah, blame the victim."
"You are not a victim, Suho." He stopped in his tracks when they reached the small line to the vending machine. "I've told you before that sleeping on the desks could hurt you."
Huffing, Suho twisted his body at the waist to get out a knot right at the bend of his waist. Sieun watched with a glimmer of concern in his eyes. He pursed his lips. "You should come and sleep at my apartment during the nights you do delivery," he suggested. They moved up the line and he put in some money to dispense his usual snacks; dried squid and a yoghurt. He also got chocolate milk and some biscuits for Suho who usually takes them with a cheesy smile but this time with furrowed eyebrows and lips twisted to the side.
"I don't know, Sieun-ah. I don't want to be an intruder."
"How can you be? I'm inviting you over myself. My dad is hardly around, and if he was I don't think he'd care." They made their way back.
Suho pondered over it for a moment before shaking his head. "The whole point of not sleeping in my own bed was so I don't miss school by falling asleep for too long."
"Have you ever seen me come late to class?" he asked rhetorically. "I'll have you out of bed and at school before the teachers even arrive."
Sieun watched as the older boy contemplated it. He did it with a straw in his mouth, staring at the ceiling with purpose. He finally looked back at Sieun, "I'll probably just get a thicker blanket, thanks for the offer though. I think you're sweet." Sieun blinked and sat down on the table next to Suho's, legs crossed.
He watched with easy eyes as Suho opened his pack of choco biscuits and popped one in his mouth. He moaned in delight, "Thank you, Sieun-ah. You're the best, really, you're my favourite person ever." Sieun couldn't stop the smile that was tugging at his lips. Suho always had a tendency to thank Sieun in the most outlandish way for buying him food. It was sweet and Sieun liked seeing him eat so happily, so he kept doing it.
He'd do anything to keep Suho happy and healthy.
—
Sieun jolted awake at the sound of the doorbell reverberating throughout the house. He sat up confused, listening to see if it was in his imagination but it rang again. He squinted at the clock on his laptop; 02:20 AM … who's at the door at this time?
He got out of bed and shuffled his way to the door. "Who is it?"
"Delivery."
Sieun blinked and felt his heart hum. He unlocked the door and opened it for his friend. Suho smiled his usual warm smile, hands in his pockets. "Hey, did I wake you?"
"Yeah." Sieun replied then moved out of the way and let him in. "You finished with work?"
Suho hummed in confirmation as he took off his backpack followed by his jacket. "Sorry about waking you."
"It's fine, I – I'm glad you came. There's water and some soup in the fridge if you want any." He motioned towards the kitchen. It was then that he realised Suho has never been inside his home before, even the times he would come over on his route for a drink of water or a banana to energise him, he's never made it past the foyer.
Suho shook his head, "I'm good, I just wanna crash and sleep." Nodding Sieun led him into his bedroom, a new sense of alertness striking him. Suho was in his room. His most private space. Luckily for him he never kept a mess nor was there anything that could embarrass him.
He walked to the closet and grabbed a pair of large pyjamas and handed it to him. "It's a large."
Suho smirked, "Large on you is probably a small on me." He placed them on the bed and in a quick swoop he had his shirt off. Sieun blinked before turning around, the leg of his pyjama pants balled up in his hand. He heard Suho whisper 'gwiyeowo' under his breath.
"You can take my bed. I'll take the floor."
"No, no I'll take the floor." He protested.
Sieun tried not to turn around to give him a glare. "Suho, the reason I offered you to come is so you can rest your back from sleeping on hard surfaces."
Silence.
Suho took in a deep breath then hummed in agreement, "Okay, okay but you're not sleeping on the floor either. Your bed is big enough for us, don't you think?"
Peaking over his shoulder he saw that Suho was done changing, his clothes nicely folded on the foot of the bed. Sieun looked at his bed then back at the boy in front of him, he felt a foreign sensation in the hollow of his belly at the thought of sharing the space with him. It wasn't small, but it definitely wasn't large enough either. But if it meant keeping Suho from sleeping on hard surfaces, he was prepared to face that challenge.
He nodded and made his way to where he was originally sleeping. Suho followed, "Do you mind,.. if I take the left side?" Sieun stared at him for a second too long before shifting over to the right side, Suho sliding in after him.
He watched carefully as Suho made himself comfortable, sighing in relief when his back sunk into the soft bedding. Sieun smiled small, then hesitated as he reached across him to turn off the light. Suho's eyes stayed on him on his way back.
"Goodnight." He whispered. Sieun hummed in response.
They laid there for a couple of minutes, Sieun stiff as a board, the whole left side of his body warm from the radiating body heat of the other boy. He wasn't used to sharing his space. A part of him disliked it, he was cold on one side and warm on the other. but the other part of him felt safe in Suho's presence.
"Thanks… for inviting me Sieun-ah." Suho whispered. "I feel better already."
Sieun's heart fluttered. He's never felt so good about doing something, not even the times he got the highest scores on tests. It felt nice knowing his friend was no longer in pain. "You're welcome."
"I only sleep at the school so I don't accidentally sleep in and miss class."
"I know." He's told him before. "Do you only live with your grandma?" he asked.
"Yeah. I lost my parents when I was younger, in a plane crash…" his voice trailed.
Sieun turned his head to him, a sombre frown on his face. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I don't really remember much of them anyway. What about you? Why's your dad never around?"
Sieun sighed. "Work. He trains a team somewhere. I'm not really sure."
"And mum?"
Sieun swallowed. He never felt comfortable talking about his mum, not because he hated her or anything. He just didn't love the emotions she pulled out of him whenever she was a subject of the conversation. His dad knew better than to talk about her to him. "They divorced a while ago. She lives in Busan with her mum." He said then shifted to face the wall. "It's late, we should sleep."
He felt Suho shift and face the opposite direction, and with that he felt his heart begin to come down from its high. He closed his eyes and felt himself drift back into sleep.
—
“Are we still on for this weekend?” Beomseok asked. The three of them were walking out after school, Sieun sandwiched between his tall friends.
Every other weekend they would go to karaoke to blow some steam from cram school. Sieun was never used to doing that, if he wasn’t at cram school he was studying at his house. Being friends with Suho changed all of that. As fun as Beomseok can be, he’s also as quiet and nerdy as Sieun and if it was only the two of them they’d probably find the fun in studying together. Suho was the glue that helped them break out of their routines and have fun every once in a while. At first it annoyed Sieun but he realised he worked a lot better whenever he let his mind cool down by having fun once in a while. He would never tell Suho this but he actually likes spending his weekend with them.
He turned to Suho. “Are you working this weekend?”
Suho pouted, “Yeah, but I’ll be finished by the time we go to karaoke. I’ll just meet you guys there.”
“Alright, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Beomseok waved them goodbye then walked off to the car that was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs.
Sieun and Suho walked over to Suho’s motorcycle. He usually gets a ride from Suho whose work is normally on the route to Sieun’s cram school. He watched Suho take out the helmet from the delivery box and walked over to sieun and put it on his head. This was something Suho liked doing, putting the helmet on for him as if he’s a child. Sieun doesn’t mind because it was better than doing it himself. Maybe he even liked it when Suho did things for him that he could do himself.
“Can you pick me up from cram school later?” He asked.
Suho glanced at him then tilted his head with a smile. “Of course. You know you’re gonna have to get a licence one day, you’re turning 18 soon.”
Sieun got on the motorcycle behind him, his hands holding onto Suho’s hips. “Why would I do that when I have you to drive me everywhere?” he deadpanned.
Suho scoffed, “And what if I get a girlfriend and she wants rides too?”
Sieun frowned. He didn’t think of that. Suho was a handsome boy, he was funny and chivalrous, he was bound to be a boyfriend to someone sooner or later. He just didn’t realise it might affect them. He shook his head, no, it doesn’t have to affect them. They’re just friends, there’s no reason to be distressed about a possible future.
“I’m joking, I’m happy to drive you around Sieun-ah.” He started the engine and Sieun wrapped his arms around his waist and tried not to think about the future where he won’t be the one Suho showers with friendly affection and acts of chivalry.
—
“Alright, make sure to do these practice questions at home. Next week we’ll be covering proportions and rates of change, read up on it.” The cram school Maths professor announced as she started packing away. The students stood up to bow to her and she bid them goodnight.
Sieun rubbed his eyes and got up, swung his backpack around and slipped his arms through the straps. He shuffled across the classroom following his fellow classmates out. He was beyond exhausted, they spent the whole time going over algebra equations and now all he can see when he closes his eyes are letters and numbers.
He sighed in relief when the fresh night air hit his face. “Sieun-ah!” He followed the voice calling his name and found Suho sitting on his motorcycle. Oh. He had forgotten that he asked his friend to pick him up. What a relief, he was not in the mood to stand around waiting for his bus.
“Thanks for coming.” He said as he reached him. He had a lollipop in his mouth, poking at the side of his cheek.
Suho nodded then handed him his helmet. “How was class?”
Sieun shrugged. “It was fine.”
The taller boy popped the lollipop out of his mouth and offered it to him. Sieun scowled, a look of disgust falling upon his face. It must’ve been a funny look because Suho burst into a fit of laughter. He reached into his pocket and pulled out another sweet, wrapped. “You like watermelon?”
“Sure.” He took the sweet before hopping on the motorcycle. And soon they were off on the road.
Sieun doesn’t admit it often because the first thing he did when he saw Suho’s motorcycle was say it was a mechanical death trap waiting to happen but he really does enjoy riding with him, especially at night. It’s not as quiet as he imagines it is for Suho later during the night but it’s a lot less boisterous than the day. The wind was much cooler, and it made him hold on tighter. On the colder nights he would put his numb fingers in the pockets of Suho’s jacket and snuggle in closer. He hoped Suho didn’t mind.
Soon enough they arrived at his apartment building and Suho put the motorcycle in park. Sieun got off, unclasping the helmet with a struggle. Suho smiled, “gwiyeowo.” Sieun blinked at him with a straight face then handed him the helmet. “Thanks for the ride… Do you want to come in?”
“Oh, I’m– my grandma’s expecting me home.”
“Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Suho watched Sieun walk into the building and only left when he saw him enter his apartment safely.
It took Sieun around 20 minutes to change and shower then grab a protein snack and snuggle into bed. Usually he keeps his gadgets away during the last 30 minutes of the night before he sleeps but a notification pinged in his phone and he couldn’t help the curiosity. He swiped the phone from the desk and saw that it was a message from Suho.
Ahn Suho
You left the sweet in my pocket ㅠㅠ
Oh. Sieun hadn’t realised. He didn’t even know he had his hands in Suho's pockets this time.
Ahn Suho
Thats very mean yeon sieunah
Sieun
Sorry. I didn’t realise i had forgotten it. Bring it to me tomorrow?
Ahn Suho
Ah ur so cute i cant be mad at you
Sieun tried not to roll his eyes. He watched as Suho continued to type.
Ahn Suho
Goodnight sieunah 💗
Sieun
Goodnight
Suho 🤝
—
“Penalty, penalty! Beomseokie, you cheated.” Suho urged pausing the game.
“How am I cheating on an arcade game?” Beomseok retorted. Suho sputtered, unable to come up with an explanation on how Beomseok is suddenly good at the same game he lost on the last weekend they played it. Well, other than practice.
Sieun sat on the side entertained by their bickering. He slurped on his soda and chuckled softly when Suho put Beomseok in a friendly headlock, urging him to spill his secret.
“Excuse me,” A small feminine voice came from behind them, the boys instantly stopped messing around and turned to face it. It belonged to a girl, as tall as Sieun, with long red hair and honey skin. Her eyes were locked on Suho, as she tilted her head and cocked her hip to the opposite direction.
“Hi.” Suho smiled charmingly at her.
“My name’s Jihyo.”
Suho took her hand in his and shook it firmly, much to the girl’s surprise. “Ahn Suho.”
Beomseok stepped aside, leaning next to Sieun and the two watched them talk. The girl was apparently watching them for a while with her friends and she was interested in Suho. Sieun has to give it to her for shooting her shot and by the looks of it, it’s working in her favour. Suho leaned his arm against the railing of the Dance Dance Revolution game, exposing the bulge of his biceps. Sieun turned to Beomseok who looked just as disturbed as Sieun felt.
After what felt like 20 minutes Suho returned with a blinding smile on his face. “She just asked me out!”
Sieun saw that coming. “Like on a date?”
“Yeah, she said she wants to go see a movie next friday and asked me to join her.”
Sieun tried not to think about why his chest was suddenly tight and why he stopped breathing, and gave him a small smile and a nod. “Are we done here? I have a zoom call with a professor soon. I don’t want to be late.” he doesn't know why he just lied like that instead of simply saying he has to study like he usually does.
“Prof. Huang? I thought you said that was tomorrow?”
“It’s tonight. If you guys want to stay you can. I can just take the bus home.”
Suho frowned. “It’s fine, I can drive you.”
Sieun shook his head. “Just stay, have fun. I’ll see you guys on Monday.” It almost felt like he couldn’t get out of there quick enough. He was barely out of the door before he stopped to take a deep breath that his lungs were giving out for. His eyes stung and he leaned against the wall to steady himself.
Slap. Slap.
One more slap across his cheek and he was back to himself. He closed his eyes, feeling his heart slowly come back to its normal rate. What was that? He’s never felt this explosion of emotions before. All he could think about was the attractive smile Suho flashed at the girl who in return ran her fingers through her curls and smiled sheepishly.
He expected this to happen to either Suho or Beomseok sooner or later. They were charming and good looking in their own ways. This only meant that sooner or later Suho’s time would be occupied by this girl, or whatever girl comes after and Beomseok would most likely follow lead. Leaving Sieun alone yet again.
He knew having friends would just end in heartache but he didn’t expect it to hurt this bad.
—
Monday evening came and Sieun was at home reading up on the Korean war for a history practice exam at his cram school. He went through the day in a foggy haze, he doesn’t remember going to school or coming home, nor does he remember what he ate or if he ate at all. He just knows a brief period of time between two classes when Suho came to sit in front of him. He thinks Suho might’ve fed him a slice of sandwich and some juice.
His stomach growled just as the doorbell rang. Sieun groaned. He was the only one home, his dad staying to work late again, and he was far too engrossed in his book to get up and see who’s at the door.
So he compromised, he got out of his seat to go and open the door taking the book with him, eyes glued on the small notes he’s made on the edges to help him memorise dates. “Who… is it?” he mumbled, hand on the door handle.
“Delivery.” Suho’s voice came through and without blinking he opened the door for him. “You’re still studying? Sieun… did you even have dinner yet?”
Not entirely registering what was asked he gives a mumbled answer, “Uh,.. I - I don’t know, check the fridge.”
Suho huffed and followed the boy into his room, gearing him away from bumping into the door frame. “Seriously Sieun-ah. You need to put the book down for two minutes and eat something. You’re not gonna get perfect grades on an empty stomach.” He took a seat on the foot of the bed and opened the plastic bag he was carrying. “Good thing I brought you food.”
No response. Suho frowned. “Sieun? Sie-” He walked over and snatched the book out of his hands, forcing the boy to look at him for the first time since he got there.
“Suho? I- what are you doing here?” He shakes his head like he's coming out of a trance.
“Seriously? You just opened the door for me. Dude, you need to eat something.”
“I can’t, I need to keep reading. I’m shit at history, I need to pass this exam and in order to do that, I can’t slack on my studies.”
Suho placed the closed book on the table and took his friend’s cheeks in his hands. “Please, just come and eat for 5 minutes. I’ll even time it for you.” Sieun glanced at the food in the plastic bag and felt his stomach growl again. He then sighed, agreeing begrudgingly.
They sat on the floor and Suho gave him a big bowl of egg fried rice and chicken. Sieun began devouring the food immediately. “Slow down or you’ll get sick.”
Sieun breathed through his nose and moaned in satisfaction. “This is so good.”
“Meh. I think you just think it’s good because you barely ate anything today.”
“Didn’t you have work tonight?” Sieun asked.
“Yeah but I swapped my shift with a coworker.”
“Why?”
Suho looked at him with a raised eyebrow, “Someone had to make sure you didn’t starve yourself to death.”
Sieun’s heart fluttered, he couldn’t believe Suho left work for him. Why would he do that? “You’re being dramatic.”
“You barely knew you let me in. I could’ve been a serial killer.”
“What serial killer would ring the doorbell? I knew it was you, I heard your voice. I just immediately forgot.”
Suho scoffed. “Because you’re feeding your brain dates of ancient history instead of actual nutrition.”
Sieun put the last piece of boneless chicken in his mouth then looked at Suho. He was instantly frozen in his place. Suho’s eyes swam with concern. Sieun hasn’t had anyone look at him like that since his mother found out that sometimes he would press a pen so deep into his thigh whenever he was stressing about school work. It would bleed sometimes and leave dotted scars on him. His mother was sick to her stomach when she found out. 4 weeks later she was filing for divorce. Sure those two events probably didn’t have any correlation but he was certain it was her breaking point.
Seeing that look on Suho’s face was like a slap to the face. Sieun slouched down, and swallowed slowly. “Thanks, Suho. Thanks for taking care of me.”
Suho’s features softened and he placed his hand on Sieun’s knee, caressing softly. “I’ll always take care of you.”
Sieun pursed his lips and looked at his watch. It was just after 9PM. He had a little while to study before going to sleep. “So,..”
“You can go back to studying if you like.”
“I was going to ask if you have spoken to that girl yet.”
“Oh. I– no I haven’t. I don’t know,.. I kinda stalked her insta-profile and I don’t think we’re a match.”
Sieun furrowed his eyebrows. “You got that from a couple of pictures?” He asked. “So you’re not going to go on the date?”
“I will, I can’t just stand her up but I’ll tell her it’s only the one time.”
“But what if you like her?”
“I won’t.” He responded.
Sieun pursed his lips and nodded. He didn’t dwell on why that made his heart feel light, instead he got up and sat back at his desk. “What time are you sleeping?” Suho asked.
“In a couple of hours. Midnight maybe. What are you going to do?”
“Watch Hitman’s Bodyguard.” Sieun rolled his eyes, Suho was obsessed with those films. Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L Jackson were his favourite actors so you could only imagine his obsession when it comes to the two films they’ve starred in together.
Sieun hummed as he put in his headphones. He went on youtube and clicked on an 8 hour long video of Brown Noise to help him concentrate.
Two hours later his eyes were beginning to droop, his head heavy and his hand hardly gripping on the pen. By the third time he caught himself falling asleep he shook his head and got up, leaving everything behind. When he turned to his bed he found Suho lying fast asleep, phone still in hand and airpods in his ears.
Sieun rounded the bed and reached over to take the airpods out. He found the case on the bedside table and put them inside. He placed the phone next to them. Suho shifted and placed his hands under his cheek, squishing them in the process.
Carefully, making sure not to wake him, Sieun got in the bed, turning the lamp light off on the way. He wiggled until he was comfortable. Suho was right in front of him. His chest moving gentle-like, soft and peaceful. His face was as serene as ever.
With very light movement - almost nonexistent touch of his fingers, Sieun swiped across the short bangs on his forehead, trailing the fingers behind his ear and down his neck. Suho snuggled deeper into the pillow, his hand following Sieun’s as if to swat him away.
Sieun smiled. He softly took hold of his hand and opened up his arms, daringly scooting closer until his chest was pressed against Suho’s chest, his face was buried in the nook of his neck and Suho’s arm fell over his figure. Suho hummed as he stirred a little, a soft “Sieun-ah?” escaping his throat before snuggling in closer.
Sieun could only sigh as he felt the warm embrace of his friend, everything that was clouding his mind & reigning terror on his thoughts, completely vanishing. All that mattered was Suho not letting go, and the gentle subconscious way his fingers entwined in Sieun’s hair. This was the most peace Sieun has ever felt in his life, the only thing he could hear was their heartbeats beating against each other, and feel the way Suho’s chest rose up and down against his own until they were in sync. It almost made him want to stay awake the whole night just to continue experiencing this feeling.
In the back of his mind he knew this meant more to him than just a friendly cuddle. But he was willing to leave those nerve wrecking thoughts unattended till the morning.
—
Sieun doesn’t remember the last time he read a fictional book during his leisure time. He was trying to learn English and he heard the best way to do so was to read lots of books and immerse yourself in other forms of media. Usually when he’s travelling to school he would listen to a podcast or an audiobook to try and understand. He never really had the time to read a book on his own (outside of school books) until now.
He was sitting against a tree in the field behind the school, Beomseok sat in front of him and Suho laid next to him with his head on Sieun’s lap. From time to time Sieun couldn’t help but run his fingers through Suho’s hair. He tried not to do it too often, out of fear that Suho would get annoyed or start to wonder about Sieun’s feelings.
Feelings that even Sieun doesn’t properly understand quite yet.
He’s never truly thought about the possibility of being homosexual. He never had crushes on boys or girls so it never really occurred to him. He doesn’t know how anyone would react to him dating, much less dating a guy. His father was the first to come to mind, Sieun thinks he won’t have the best reaction to it, but he’s understanding and he cares about Sieun much more than Sieun likes to admit so he’ll most likely come around eventually. He supposes his mother will too, if she even cared enough to talk to him. And Beomseok would probably not care that much, he’s not sure. Sometimes Sieun thinks Beomseok might be gay too.
Sieun just doesn’t think he’s gay. However the feelings that grow inside his chest whenever he’s with Suho don’t seem as platonic as when he is with Beomseok. He reckoned that maybe he just admires Suho, who’s a kind, brave and hardworking guy. The fact that he’s handsome and has the nicest features Sieun has ever seen on a guy doesn’t really mean Sieun is gay for him. Right?
He wondered if the other boys ever thought about someone they knew being gay.
“How’s the sleeping arrangements?” Beomseok spoke, his voice shaky as he peeled his orange. “Are you sick of him yet?” The question was directed towards Sieun.
He felt Suho shift and he looked down to see him smiling, his eyes still closed. “A little.”
“Hey!”
Sieun smiled, small. “He’s fine. He snores though.”
“I literally do not.” He doesn’t but it feels nice to tease him. Suho is usually the one that teases them a lot.
Beomseok chuckled softly. “You guys look like a couple. It’s cute.” He added. Sieun tried not to show any reaction to that, good or bad. He was emotionless as he normally is, but deep down his heart was rapidly beating and his stomach felt like there were a thousand butterflies tickling him. He almost felt sick.
Suho on the other hand stiffened, his head becoming heavier on Sieun’s lap (or maybe it felt that way because everything was becoming heavier to Sieun, even his clothes left like they weigh a ton on him). Suho sat up with so much quickness that Sieun wonders if he got whipneck from it.
He squinted up at the sky and even from his angle Sieun could see a swarm of redness painting his cheeks all the way to the tips of his ears. “I should get going.”
“Where?”
“I - uh I promised the principal that I would photocopy some papers for him during lunch. There’s only 10 minutes left, I should hurry.” and before anyone could say anything he was running down the small hill and towards the school.
Sieun turned to Beomseok who looked just as confused as he did. “Do you think – I didn’t upset him with my comment did I?” Sieun shrugged. “Maybe I read him wrong, I thought he was – you know, gay.”
Sieun frowned. “You think Suho is gay?”
“I did… I thought he totally had the hots for you. The way he treats you like a princess… you seem to enjoy it too.”
“What? No I don’t–”
“Sieun, there’s no reason to lie to me. I saw you looking at him the entire time we sat here. You have this weird look on your face that I’ve never seen before.”
God, was he that obvious?
Sieun didn’t know what to say. Even if he did, his throat wouldn’t let him speak.
“Well? Do you like him?”
He closed the book and looked down. A part of him wanted to say yes but the bigger part of him stayed silent. Beomseok leaned over and pressed his hand on top of Sieun’s. “Look, you don’t have to say anything right now but you should know I’ll support you no matter what.”
Sieun just blinked. Tears were glistening in his eyes and all he could do was blink and not meet Beomseok’s eyes.
—
If there was one subject Sieun loathed more than anything in the world, it would be Chemistry. It was a tricky subject because one minute you think you understand it and then the next minute it makes you feel like you’ve never learnt a thing in your life. A lot of students either hate Chemistry and love Physics or hate Physics and love Chemistry. Sieun was one of the saner few that loved physics.
His class had a Chemistry mock exam the upcoming monday and he was glued at his desk trying to figure out the empirical formula.
The front door opened and he heard a voice call out from the hall. It was Suho. Sieun had given him his spare key in case he came super late whilst he was sleeping. But he’s earlier than he expected. “Sieun-ah?”
“You’re early.”
“Yeah, we had to close up because the chef had an emergency.” he walked into the room carrying a couple of plastic bags. “Did you eat?”
Sieun hummed in response.
“Good. I got some skin care, and thought we could do it together.”
“Why?”
“Because… it’s good for you?” He took off his jacket then proceeded to ransack Sieun’s wardrobe to find some change of clothes. When he did he went into the bathroom to shower.
10 minutes later Suho returned, a towel around his hips. Sieun became very still for a moment as he watched him walk past, drops of water trailing down his chest. He shook his head and turned around giving him the privacy to change into the fresh clothes that were obviously a little small on him but he didn’t complain. Sieun tried to ignore the reflection of Suho on his blacked out laptop screen. He swallowed hard, suddenly feeling hot.
“I keep forgetting how tiny you are.” Suho mumbled as he pulled on his boxers followed by the sweat pants that looked like ¾ pants on him. He then began to walk towards him, still half naked and Sieun looked down at his book, pretending as if he wasn’t watching him through his laptop screen. “What are you reading?” he leaned over him. Sieun got a whiff of the vanilla body wash that was in Sieun’s bathroom.
“Chemistry. We have it. I mean we have the mock exam next week.”
“Oh right.”
“You have studied, haven't you?” He turned to the older boy. Their faces were a couple of inches apart. Sieun didn’t react, he waited for an answer.
“Of course I have. I’m not dumb you know.”
Sieun’s eyes softened, “I know you’re not. Maybe we can answer questions together?”
“Whilst I do your skin care?”
Sieun huffed, “Fine.”
They sat on the bed, a book and skin care products between them. "Ok, this is a simple question: what is an empirical formula?”
“oh easy. The simplest whole number ratio of an atom in a compound.” Suho started putting some sort of water based product on his skin. As he did that, Sieun stayed quiet for a minute, his eyes locked on Suho’s still shirtless torso. “Next?”
“What compound is formed when 16g of sulphur reacts with 24g of oxygen? In the simplest form.”
Suho paused as he began to calculate in his head. A small voice in the back of Sieun’s mind couldn’t help but call him cute. He looked a little unsure as he replied, “SO2?”
“Correct.”
Suho grinned. “Can you lay down?”
Sieun furrowed his eyebrows. “Why?”
“It’ll be easier and this is kinda killing my back.”
Sieun laid back on his bed, uncertain of how to lay there without looking weird. Question: when did Sieun start caring about how he looked in front of his friend? Answer: since he developed an embarrassingly huge crush on him.
“The empirical formula compound for–” his words were swallowed when he felt Suho climb him, his knees bracketing Sieun’s hips. The heat he felt directly radiating from Suho rushed to his cheeks and he felt his eyes widen. “What–What are you doing?”
Suho just continued to apply more products onto his face and Sieun could only desperately keep his eyes shut and try to control his breathing and steady his heart by not thinking about all the ways Suho’s body is pressed against his. He thought of all the different scenarios that could come out of this; one) Suho feels the same way and he leans in whilst Sieun's eyes are closed and gives him a kiss, two) Sieun somehow gets the confidence to do it himself or three) his father inconveniently returns from his trip and walks in to this compromising position of theirs. Sieun shudders at the thought.
When Sieun finally calmed down, he rested his hands on Suho’s thighs, thumbs gently caressing him. He might've imagined it but Suho relaxes into him, his body weight slightly getting heavier on Sieun's lap enough to notice. He must've been tense, Sieun thought.
“What was the question?” Suho asked, absent-mindedly, his focus on applying a lip lotion on Sieun’s lips. Sieun’s lips have always been dry, flaky from lack of hydration and constant lip biting whilst studying. This is probably the first time ever that any form of treatment touched his lips.
“I– erm,” he doesn’t remember. Something about empirical formulas but he doesn’t remember. He opened his eyes and almost immediately regretted it. Suho’s face was less than 3 inches from his. He’s never been this intimate with anyone, usually he hated being touched, but the way Suho’s body molded in perfect harmony with his - hip to hip, chest to chest… made him almost forget his own name.
Finally Suho finished and he sat back, still on top of Sieun. Sieun didn’t want to push him off but he could feel the friction being rubbed against him and his blood rushing towards his groin area. He hoped Suho couldn’t feel him as well.
Instead he gulped and quietly asked, “Why did you rush out during lunch?”
“What?” Suho got off him and Sieun finally felt like he could breathe, so he sat up and as covertly as he could he placed his pillow on his lap and the book on top of it.
“You left in a rush. Beomseok thought he upset you. Did you not like when he said we looked like a couple?”
The silence that followed was cacophonous. Sieun has never seen Suho be so quiet when he isn’t sleeping.
“You’re awfully quiet Suho-yah… you okay?”
“I don’t – I don’t want to talk about that okay?” without meeting his eyes Suho began to pack away the products and then walk back into the bathroom. It was then that Sieun realised that he hasn’t accounted for the reaction of Suho if he ever did come out because it’s more clear now than ever that Sieun is in fact gay. Would Suho not be okay with him if he came out? Would they stop being friends?
By the time Suho left the bathroom Sieun was sitting back at his desk, paying the boy no mind. Suho turned off the lights leaving sieun with the dim reading lamp on his desk. “You coming to bed?”
“Later.” was all Sieun could choke out. Suho grunted in response then went to sleep. Sieun stayed there, unmoving, for about 10 minutes. His eyes stung with tears at the thought of possibly losing his best friend because of his sexuality. He wondered how many other people had to go through this before him and if he would ever be okay with it.
—
He doesn’t see Suho for the rest of the week. He doesn’t come over, he doesn’t sleep at the school either. And worst of all he misses the last two days of the week. Sieun doesn’t know what’s wrong, he’s texted and called multiple times. But to no avail.
It’s the day of their chemistry exam and Sieun sent one more text early that morning.
Ya Ahn Suho… we have an exam today, are you coming?
The contact name stares back at him. Suhoney💗 Suho had changed it when he learnt that Sieun had him saved by his full name. “What kind of soulmate am I to you if you can’t even give me a nickname Sieun-ah?” he tsked as he took his phone and typed that in. Sieun didn’t know Suho thought of them as soulmates until then.
An hour went by and Sieun was no longer the only person in class as students began to file in. Beomseok greeted him before taking his usual examination seat behind him. Just when Sieun was beginning to think Suho would miss this exam he comes in right after the teacher. He sat down in front of him without so much of a glance.
Sieun leaned across his desk and whispered, “Are you okay? You didn’t respond to my messages.”
“I’m okay.”
That’s it? I’m okay?
Frowning, Sieun sat back and waited for the teacher to pass out the papers, and he tried not to think about Suho being mad at him for whatever reason.
Sieun didn’t speak to Suho again (despite his best efforts) for the rest of the day. When he had gotten home, he spent a long time in the shower trying to forget about Suho and how upset he was with him. Why wouldn’t he even text him? Did he really hate him that much? Was he scared that Sieun being gay meant he liked him? How fucked up is it to cut someone off for being gay when they didn’t even come out to you yet? At least let him come out first!
Sieun was angry and he just wanted to speak to his friend and set things straight. But he couldn't do that if the said friend wasn't even willing to be within close proximity as him.
For the first night in years he laid in his bed before it was even 9PM and instead of studying he put on a Taiwanese film on his laptop. He snuggled up in his duvet and watched a story about two boys falling in love and eventually losing each other. Maybe this wasn’t the perfect film to watch at this vulnerable time.
He heard the front door click open and ignored it knowing it was probably his father. But then the footsteps came closer to his room until his door swung open, and in attempt to hide the fact that he was watching a gay film Sieun slammed the laptop shut and sat up in lightning speed.
It was Suho.
Oh.
“Hey…”
Hey? HEY?
Sieun wanted to scream at him. He hasn't seen or heard from him in almost a week and he just shows up at his house and says “Hey”? The audacity this man had was beyond him.
Instead Sieun watched in silence as he took off his jacket and did his normal routine whenever he came over. As if nothing happened. He walked over to the left side of the bed and took the laptop and placed it on the bedside table before proceeding to get in under the covers.
Sieun’s eyes followed him then laid down next to him. It was when they were eye to eye and only a couple inches apart that he noticed his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, all colour was drained from his face barring the bloodshot eyes that looked like he'd been crying.
He kept himself from placing a hand on his cheek and caressing it. Instead he waited until Suho spoke.
“I’m sorry.” It came out as a whisper.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just – I just got so scared you know?”
Sieun shook his head. “I don’t know. What were you scared of?”
“You were right. Beomseok’s comment about us… it spooked me out. I didn’t realise that people could see us like that. I didn’t think I was doing anything that made people think that way about me. And when he said that I became scared of what it could mean, if I really was – y’know..”
“Gay?”
“Yeah. I never really thought of it. I just knew what I didn’t like, I always assumed me not liking any of the girls I tried to date meant just that. That I didn’t like them, that they weren’t my type and that there was a girl out there somewhere that I’ll meet and fall in love with.” He paused and tore his eyes from Sieun’s. “I didn’t think of the possibility that it would be a boy that I liked. Much less that boy would be you.”
Sieun had to bite his cheeks to stop him from smiling so hard. “You like me?”
“I do.”
“I like you too. A lot.”
Suho scooted closer, one of his hands finding its way on Sieun’s hip pulling him flush against him. “I’m such an idiot for screening you this whole week. I’m so sorry.”
“No, don’t be. I had my own panic moment too, I don’t blame you.”
Suho smiled sheepishly before leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to Sieun’s lips. It was soft and quick but it was enough to send a wave of electricity down Sieun’s back. His first kiss was gentle and so natural between them. It felt like the pat on the helmet on Sieun’s head before they ride his bike. It felt like the fluttering feeling that would swarm in his chest and the depth of his belly when Suho would lean back in the desk in front of him just before a test was handed out, his head resting on Sieun’s desk, to ease Sieun’s nerves. Sometimes he would make sure his fingers were aligned to where Suho’s head would rest so that the simple proximity of the tips of his fingers and the nook of Suho’s neck would be enough to ease his mind. It felt like every other intimate touch they’ve shared over the months they’ve been nothing but friends.
It felt like the most natural part of their new nightly routine.
Suho tilted his head and deepened the kiss, a hand coming up to hold Sieun’s neck. When he felt Suho’s leg slip in between his own and pressed up against him, Sieun finally pulled away. He inhaled deeply then looked at Suho, whose eyes were hazy with lust.
“We should go to sleep.”
Suho pouted but nodded. He leaned in and kissed him one last time before Sieun snuggled into his chest. Suho wrapped his arms around him and Sieun was immediately soothed to sleep.
—
“Did you see Yeongbin’s face when you replaced him as top 2 in the test?” Suho laughed, shaking Beomseok’s shoulders. The three of them were placed on cleaning duty again. Sieun was straightening the desks whilst the other two messed around.
“I’ve been waiting so long to see him lose the one good thing he had.”
“You could’ve done it a long time ago if you actually studied.” Sieun mumbled. The two turned to him and Suho smirked, “I’m glad you have that much faith in me Sieun-ah but sometimes you just need more brains than brawn to take down a bully.”
“If you’re the brawn and Beomseok is the brain then what am I?”
“You’re beauty, of course.” Suho said as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Beomseok gagged playfully, causing them to pull away. Sieun rolled his eyes.
Beomseok grabbed his bag, “I can’t believe you guys are actually dating. It feels unreal.”
“We’re not dating. Are we?”
“I don't know,” Sieun replied. “Doesn’t dating mean you go on dates? We haven’t been out together yet.”
“Well, we should change that. You free this weekend?”
The three began to make their way out of the building. “Sure, I think I can make time.”
“You think? Am I not a priority to you?”
Sieun smiled small, then leaned up to kiss him. “Saturday, 6pm.”
“Yessir.” Suho pulled him into a longer deeper kiss.
“God, you guys are already becoming insufferable.”