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It's been weeks since the last time he saw Jinyoung.
With the younger's filming schedule fully packed and his own recent tour, there had been little to no time to text, much less call.
Of course Jaebeom understands how busy their lives currently are, but it doesn't stop him from feeling like they're slowly drifting apart. He used to know where Jinyoung was all the time before, what he was doing and who he was with.
The strong bond he thought unbreakable seems to be cracking at the edges, falling apart in tiny little pieces the more they spend away from each other. Jaebeom wonders if Jinyoung misses him as much as he does, with all the new friends he's made recently and who Jinyoung has been very vocally supportive about when he didn't comment anything on the release of his latest album ㅡJaebeom will never admit he's a bitter about it, but he kind of isㅡ a part of him can't help but think he doesn't. He wonders if Jinyoung even has the time to think about him still.
Jaebeom wishes he could just text Jinyoung, let out all the negative emotions oppressing him from the inside like he used to do when they still lived togetherㅡ He misses the times when Jinyoung would sit down with him and listen to all his troubles, carding fingers through his hair as Jaebeom laid his head on his lap. He misses the times when Jinyoung was just a knock on a door away.
He knows he can't anymore, not now that Jinyoung has a whole different pace of life as his own. Jaebeom doesn't want to be that person, sad and burdensome, it wouldn't be fair for Jinyoung.
With his cats still under his mother's care, coming home to an empty apartment feels heavier than ever. Jaebeom closes the curtains as soon as he's removed his shoes and jacket, not in the mood for the bright lights illuminating Gangnam's district tonight. He plops down on the couch with a huff and pulls out his phone, unlocking the screen and going straight to their group chat, where the last messages sent are still Bambam's memes. Jaebeom sends a few laughing emojis just to not leave the conversation on read and he'a about to turn his phone off when it pings with a new notification from another chat room.
Bammie:
Hyung, are you okay?
He asks. Jaebeom arches an eyebrow.
Jaebeom:
Uh… yeah, why?
Bammie:
cuz you usually fight me about the memes?
Jaebeom:
I'm fine, don't worry
Bammie:
Okay, if you say so
Jaebeom leaves it at that. He doesn't reply to Bambam's last message and decides to just fix himself something quick to eat, shower and go to bed. He has a week to prepare to fly again, but the sooner he starts mentally preparing, the better.
He's in the middle of making a sandwich when he hears the knocks on his door. Jaebeom frowns, putting down the knife he'd been spreading garlic mayo over the slice of bread, wipes his hands and heads to the door. If it was his manager, she would have called first; the anticipation makes his stomach churn, what if it'sㅡ he pulls the door open and all hope dies as his heart breaks a little more, looking as Bambam stands there, grinning and holding a plastic bag in one hand. How naive should he be to believe it was Jinyoung finally coming home?
He knew the passcode, anyway.
"Bam…"
"I brought chicken and beer." Bambam lifts the bag.
"What for?" Jaebeom blinks, confused.
"Can't I visit my hyung after a long time?" Bambam chuckles, pushing past Jaebeom inside the apartment with no other explanation.
Jaebeom remains there for a moment longer, then sighs as he closes the door and follows Bambam into the living room. He's already placing boxes of fried chicken on the coffee table.
"That seems like a lot of food." Jaebeom points out quietly. He's not quite in the mood for company, but he's not heartless to kick Bambam out, somehow knowing the real reason he came all the way here with food and alcohol. Jaebeom would be grateful, if he wasn't feeling so down right now.
"We both know that once you start eating, you won't stop." Bambam chuckles. "Where are the kids, by the way?" He glances up at him, uncapping all the sauces.
"My mom has them while I'm on tour."
"How's that going? I mean, I've seen pics and fancams but I want to hear it from you." Bambam smiles and it instantly makes Jaebeom feel more at ease.
Okay, this could be a good thing, he thinks. A good distraction to keep his mind from wandering to dark places.
"Ah, you know. Tiring." Jaebeom shrugs, sitting down on the couch once Bambam finishes unpacking everything. "But seeing our fans, hearing the loud cheers and screams, is always refreshing."
Bambam hums, nodding. "Def is releasing a new album too, right?"
"Yeah, it's a bit more… personal."
Jaebeom mumbles the last word, looking away, remembering all the hours he spent awake at night and then at the studio, recounting his last memories with Jinyoung and feeling their relationship slipping through his fingers like sand. He had not allowed anyone aside from his team to listen to the songs beforehand and even now, two days before the release date, he's still having second thoughts.
Will people be able to connect the dots? Will Jinyoung? It terrifies him, having to explain himself if Jinyoung takes the time to listen to the album and figure out the chronology of the songs. Hinting at a break-up and an ode to heartbreak at its best.
Not that he's planning on breaking up with Jinyoung, not willingly at least.
"Can I listen to it?"
Bambam's question throws him off for a second. Jaebeom is looking at him as if he didn't truly understand the question, but Bambam waits patiently for an answer until Jaebeom's head jerks in a hesitant nod.
He takes his phone, connects his earphones and passes the device to Bambam. The younger glances at him before pressing play.
They spend the next 19 minutes and 39 seconds in complete silence. Jaebeom watches as Bambam's smile slowly starts to fade away, replaced by a slight frown of confusion and by the sixth song, he has tears in his eyes.
"Hyung, it'sㅡ"
"Depressing?" Jaebeom chuckles, taking his phone back.
"ㅡamazing. The feelings areㅡ wait," Bambam pauses, eyes widening in realization "did you and Jinyoung hyung break up?"
"No!" The word stumbles out of his mouth. "No." Jaebeom repeats, calmer. "It was just… how I was feeling at that moment." He shrugs.
Bambam hums. "But you know why I'm really here, don't you?"
"Kind of."
"Would you like to talk about it?" Bambam asks, uncapping a beer. The snatching sound of the can startles Jaebeom a little.
"Not really." Jaebeom takes a sip of his drink. He grabs a chicken leg and starts chewing. They eat in silence for a while, then Jaebeom takes another sip of his beer. "It's just that," he begins. Bambam stops munching on his wing, "I've been feeling out of place lately, regarding my relationship with Jinyoung."
"Did you fight?" It wouldn't be the first time.
"No." Jaebeom sighs. "We haven't talked in weeks. I know it's stupid, but I feel like I don't know where we stand. I'm busy, he's busier. There's no time for each other. Especially for me in Jinyoung's life anymore."
"Hyung." Bambam starts, putting his can down. "Jinyoung hyung loves you. I don't think any other person is capable of loving someone for as long as hyung has loved you, not in the field we work in. He will always make time for you. He invited himself to your fancon, brought you a cake and whined about it."
"I guess…"
"I understand why you might be feeling the way you do. It's hard to be away from the people we love, but if we start doubting them then what do we have left?"
Bambam had a point there. He used to spend months, years even without seeing his family, barely talking to them due to their packed schedules as a group and not once he doubted his love for them, never felt like their relationship was coming to an end because of that. So why should it be different with Jinyoung?
"He has a lot of new friends. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even remember me." Jaebeom looks down at his lap, embarrassed of his own confession.
Bambam gapes at him. "Impossible. Jinyoung hyung would never." He shakes his head.
"What if he meets someone new? Someone more interesting? More skilled? With more things in common?"
"Really? Jinyoung hyung? The one person who is so synchronized to you it's scary? The one who made you choose between him and your cat? The one who wholeheartedly agreed to be buried next to you?" Bambam chuckles. "Don't be silly, hyung."
"It does sound stupid when you say it like that." Jaebeom huffs, leaning back against the couch and drinking the rest of his beer in one long chug.
"I'm just saying you're entitled to your feelings, but I also think you should talk this through with Jinyoung hyung before it escalates. Hyung will listen." Bambam nods, more to himself.
Jaebeom chuckles at that, half-lidded eyes looking at the younger as a small smile curled at the corner of his lips.
"He raised you well, didn't he?" Jaebeom reaches out to pat Bambam's upper thigh, then leans over to grab a new can of beer.
Bambam chuckles. He can't say his hyungs weren't there for him for more than half of his life: dealing with angsty, obnoxious, loud teenagers when they weren't much better themselves. Jinyoung had certainly done his best to take care of him and the rest of the boys in the areas where Jaebeom couldn't.
Jinyoung and Jaebeom have always been there to listen to his problems and worries, now is his turn to lean an ear and a shoulder, maybe, if things get teary.
"The both of you did." Bambam agrees vocally, wanting to do something to light up the sour expression on Jaebeom's face.
"Do you think I'm a good friend? A good hyung? A good boyfriend?" Jaebeom asks, drinking from his beer.
"You put up with us for so many years, you still do. In my opinion, yes, you are a good friend and a good hyung. As for a boyfriend… I don't know hyung, I don't think I can ever date you." Bambam teases, gaining a small giggle from Jaebeom and a soft shove on the shoulder. It's not a full-on smile, but it's something, Bambam supposes.
"Thank you for coming, Bam. I thought I needed time alone, but… yeah. Thanks."
"Anytime." Bambam smiles. "Go on, eat."
Two and a half boxes of fried chicken and eight cans of beer later, Jaebeom is crying quietly on Bambam's shoulder, his body trembling with his sobbing. Bambam can only sigh, run his fingers through Jaebeom's hair and whisper encouraging words.
It doesn't take long for Jaebeom to fall asleep, face tear stained, red and swollen from so much crying. Bambam lies him down on the couch and covers him with a blanket; he silently picks up the trash and writes a note to leave it where Jaebeom can see it when he wakes up.
Bambam puts his shoes on, his jacket and grabs his bag. He opens the door and comes to a complete stop, eyes slightly widening in surprise when he sees Jinyoung out there, hand raised up, ready to enter the code on the keypad.
"Bam. What are you doing here?" Jinyoung's face pinches on a small frown.
"Well… hyung and I are having an affair." Bambam says. He knows it's not the time for a joke like this, but seeing the moment Jinyoung's face goes from confused, to shocked, to pissed is priceless.
"What?" Jinyoung grits his teeth. Bambam has to cover his mouth to stop himself from bursting into laughter. "Seriously, Bambam. It's not funny." His frown deepens.
"Sorry. You were right there. Anyway. I just came to check on hyung, he's been feeling down lately." Bambam shrugs, stepping aside to let Jinyoung in.
"Down? Why? Did something happen? He didn't say anything, Iㅡ" Jinyoung's tone starts turning frenetic, Bambam has to stop him with a hand on his shoulder.
"You should talk to him. Not now though, he cried himself to sleep."
"Oh god." Jinyoung grumbles.
"What are you doing here? I thought you were packed?" Bambam quirks an eyebrow.
Jinyoung hums. "I got a few days off. They're filming scenes I'm not included in and I wanted to see hyung before he leaves on tour again."
Bambam nods. "I think he's going to appreciate that."
"Is he… okay, Bam? I haven't exactly been the best boyfriend lately. I couldn't reply to the texts he kept sending. I wanted to, but…"
"Like I said, talk to him, hyung. I gotta go. Call me if anything." Bambam flashes a smile before he's walking away.
With a sigh, Jinyoung closes the door and removes his outdoor clothes. He pads into the living room to find Jaebeom on the couch, dead asleep and hugging one of the cushions against his chest.
Despite the uneasiness in his chest due to Bambam's words, Jinyoung can't help but smile a little. He leans over, pushes back some strands of hair and carefully kisses Jaebeom's forehead.
Jinyoung makes sure he's comfortable and properly wrapped with the blanket before heading to the bathroom for a quick shower. Sleeping alone in Jaebeom's bed doesn't feel ideal, but it calms him to know he's right outside. Surely, Jaebeom won't mind him taking over the bed tonight.
He buries himself in the covers, pressing his face on the cool pillows, filling his lungs with the lingering, almost vanishingㅡ unfortunately, scent of Jaebeom. But it's enough to give him some peace of mind at least for tonight.
Jaebeom wakes up with his head pounding in his skull, immediately regretting drinking that much to soothe the emotional distress he's been in for the past weeks. He refuses to open his eyes, turning his head a little to the side to rub on the cushion below. A hair from one of his cats gets into his nose, tickling and forcing him to finally move properly. Jaebeom sniffs out a few times and then, under the darkness of his living room, he reaches out for his phone.
The bright light of the screen burns his retinas, but he manages to catch the time, only 4:16 in the morning. With a groan, Jaebeom makes an effort to get up and head to his room, knowing the consequences sleeping on the couch will have on his back later on.
He wraps the blanket around his shoulders and drags his feet up the short hallway. Jaebeom pushes his door open and stops, squinting and blinking as he tries to figure out if the lump under his sheets is real.
Did Bambam steal his bed? It wouldn't be surprising at all.
"Bam." Jaebeom grumbles, head still aching. He pokes at the sleeping lump with a finger. "Bam, move over." His voice sounds raspy, like he hasn't used it in days and his throat kind of stings. Damn it, he has a concert in a week, he can't get sick. "Bam." Jaebeom insists until the lump moves, grumbling something under his breath. The person sleeping on his bed finally removes the covers from his face and oh. "You're not Bambam." Jaebeom blinks, confused.
"Hyung," Jinyoung whispers, barely keeping his eyes open, "hi."
"What are you doing here? I thoughtㅡ" Jaebeom frowns, refusing to believe that what he's seeing is real. He could still be drunk and hallucinating.
"C'mere." Jinyoung scoots over against the wall and pats the empty space next to him. "Let's talk in the morning."
Speechless, confused and still hesitating a little, Jaebeom climbs up the bed. He's trying hard to remember if he received any messages from Jinyoung to tell him he was coming, but he can't recall a thing. He lies down on his side and stares at Jinyoung's sleepy face, illuminated by the dim light coming from outside, peeking through a slit of the blinds on his window.
"I didn't drink that much." Jaebeom whispers, then pauses. "Am I dreaming?"
Jinyoung chuckles, smiling lazily as he pushes hair behind Jaebeom's ear. "It's finally getting longer. Come closer."
Jaebeom does. Jinyoung wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him closer. Jaebeom buries his face in Jinyoung's chest and takes a deep breath, enjoying the scent of his soap on Jinyoung's skin.
"I missed you." Jaebeom says a moment later.
"I missed you too." Jinyoung replies, running his fingers through the back of Jaebeom's head of hair. "Get some more sleep."
"Will you be here when I wake up?"
"Yes."
With his heart feeling a little calmer and Jinyoung's soft touches, Jaebeom falls asleep easily again.
The next time Jaebeom wakes up, sunlight is coming in strongly through the partially open blinds and he's alone in bed. He feels it immediately, without needing to open his eyes; the warmth from last night is gone and the tender touches of Jinyoung's hands are now no more than a ghostly sensation on his skin.
Jaebeom sighs and blinks his eyes open, of course it had been all a dream. There was no way Jinyoung would go out of his busy schedule just to come see him. It doesn't make sense and Jaebeom feels stupid for even believing it so. It had been just too good to be true.
A little bit angry at himself, Jaebeom kicks the blankets away, now feeling suffocated, head still pounding and back starting to ache.
There's no sign of Bambam, so he must have left after he fell asleep. He makes a mental note to text him a thank you message for putting up with his messed up bullshit later.
When he opens his bedroom door, however, what hits him is entirely not what he was expecting. The smell of coffee is so strong it's a wonder how he didn't catch it from inside the room and it smells like something delicious is cooking.
Frowning, Jaebeom rushes to the kitchen, hoping to find Bambam still there, maybe the lady who comes to help him clean up from time to time. She must have seen the empty beer cans on the table and connected the dots.
But who he sees there, with his back turned to him and wearing Jaebeom's clothes is not Bambam and certainly not Ms. Kim.
"Jinyoung?" Jaebeom says. He curses at himself when his voice cracks; his throat feels dry and his mouth parched.
"Oh, hey." Jinyoung turns his head a little and smiles. "Come sit down. I made you kongnamul-guk," Jinyoung is speaking, but Jaebeom can't quite comprehend what he's actually saying. His head is a buzz and he's having trouble catching up. Is he still dreaming? "Hyung?" Jinyoung calls when Jaebeom remains unresponsive.
"Uh?" Jaebeom finally wakes up from the brief trance he put himself in.
"You okay?" Jinyoung is frowning now. He turns off the stove and goes to him, cupping Jaebeom's face with his hands to make him look at him. "Are you still drunk?" He asks then, now amused surely by Jaebeom's lost eyes.
"Iㅡ um… what are you doing here?" Jaebeom swallows.
"I got a few days off from filming and Iㅡ" Jinyoung doesn't manage to finish his sentence as he has an armful of Lim Jaebeom wrapping himself around his body. "I know. I'm sorry." He mumbles, hugging Jaebeom back with the same strength. "Let's eat first, yes?" Jinyoung continues, rubbing Jaebeom's back up and down softly.
Jaebeom immediately relaxes once again, nodding as he lets go of Jinyoung's body and goes to sit at the kitchen island.
They eat in silence. Jaebeom steals a few glances at Jinyoung, just to make sure he's still there, sitting across from him, drinking his tea and having something lighter for breakfast. Jinyoung smiles at him, tenderly, almost knowing and Jaebeom feels a sense of relief running through his body.
Jinyoung is really here and they are okay. Of course they are okay.
Jaebeom insists on washing the dishes after they finish with their food, but Jinyoung insists he goes wait for him in the bedroom instead and after a glaring contest obviously lost by Jaebeom, he sighs and leaves the kitchen.
He knows what is about to come. The conversation they're about to have, because despite having opened up to Bambam in confidence, the younger was unofficially bound to inform Jinyoung about his current emotional state. Small, traumatic events from the past left an imprint on Bambam, so Jaebeom can understand his actions. He isn't mad, but he also wishes he could have had more time by himself to put his thoughts together.
A few minutes later Jinyoung walks in the bedroom, the door softly clicking shut behind him. He's smiling a lopsided smile, apologetic in a way that makes Jaebeom's stomach churns.
"Bambam told me we should talk." He says, straight to the point, as always. "Do you want to start?"
Jaebeom averts his eyes, avoiding Jinyoung's gaze. Then he huffs and nods, deciding there is no point in trying to hide.
"Are we okay, Jinyoung-ah?" Jaebeom starts by asking.
Jinyoung frowns a little and comes to sit next to Jaebeom on the bed.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean us. Our relationship." Jaebeom says, pointing between Jinyoung and himself.
"Of course we are okay. I mean, why?ㅡ I'm confused, please explain?" Jinyoung pleads, reaching for Jaebeom's hands.
"I just thought… I had gotten used to the distance between us. But lately, I feel it growing and growing and I don't really know what to do with myself sometimes." Jaebeom confesses with a sigh, closing his eyes and squeezing the soft hand holding onto his. "I don't want to become needy and greedy of your attention and presence because I know it's impossible to be together all the time like we used to."
Jinyoung opens his mouth, ready to protest, but then he remembers all those missed calls and unanswered text messages and sighs. He can't promise to be one call away anymore, but that doesn't mean that what he feels for the boy sitting next to him has dwindled.
"You're never a bother, I need you to know that." Jinyoung says instead, firm and eyes fixed on Jaebeom to hopefully, transmit some reassurance. "I know I don't answer my phone and most of the time I forget about it all together. But it doesn't mean you're losing me and I want to think I'm not losing you either."
Jaebeom is quick to shake his head. "Of course not."
"Okay, good." Jinyoung nods, eyes glassy and nose starting to run. He places his free hand over Jaebeom's cheek and strokes the dark spot under his eye tenderly. "You need rest." He mumbles, a soft smile grazing his lips.
"Are you staying?" Jaebeom leans into the much needed touch.
Jinyoung hums. "Four days, then I have to go back."
"It's enough."
Enough to be himself again; enough to feel that what they have exists and hasn't slipped through his fingers; enough for Jinyoung to patch up what had started to crack.
"We can just sleep and eat and sleep some more." Jinyoung giggles, the eyes wrinkles Jaebeom's missed so much making a most awaited appearance.
"Sounds good. But… I would like you to listen to my Def album. If you're interested, of course." Jaebeom pulls out his phone.
"Obviously I'm interested. I'm excited about the release, but if you grant me that privilege, I'd be honored." Jinyoung is grinning as he accepts the earphone and sets it in.
As expected, the grin slowly vanishes as the songs play one after the other, replaced by a confused and somewhat pained frown.
"Nyoungㅡ"
"Is this really how I make you feel?" Jinyoung asks, grimly, all tenderness suddenly gone. He stares at the phone screen with a deep scowl between his brows.
Jaebeom kind of immediately regrets having shown Jinyoung this. He regrets having written it.
"No." Jaebeom says after a moment. "Not exactly. I just took every feeling and every thought I had at the moment and projected it into lyrics. It is personal, but it's not a dedication." He clarifies before things get out of hand. Jaebeom never meantㅡ no, well, he did. He would not have thought about a concept like this one if he had not meant anything.
"I don't know what to say." Jinyoung is still frowning, hand clutching tightly around the phone. Jaebeom carefully removes his phone from Jinyoung's hand, locks it and stands up. "Where are you going?"
"The studio." Jaebeom's lips curl up with a little smile. "I'll work on something else. Ask the company to delay the releaseㅡ".
"No." Jinyoung jumps to his feet. "Hyung, Iㅡ" He stops and huffs. "Just promise me, look me in the eye and promise this" Jinyoung curls his hand around the one holding the phone, "is not really how you feel about me. About us."
There is no hesitation in the way Jaebeom looks at Jinyoung now. His hand travels to the side of his neck, then to the back, fingers curling around the overgrown strands falling over his nape.
"I promise you it's not. Not anymore." This time, the smile Jaebeom gives him is genuine. "Because if you're here, putting up with me. It must mean you love me, right?"
Jinyoung chuckles wetly, looking down for a second before meeting eyes with Jaebeom again.
"I've never stopped, Jaebeomie."
"Hyung." Jaebeom corrects softly, a teasing reminiscence of those times he was hellbent of making everyoneㅡ including Jinyoung, refer to him with the respect an elder deserved.
But Jinyoung knows, so he just nods and leans over for a quick kiss. "Jaebeomie hyung."
The eye wrinkles appear again and Jaebeom feels relief surging through his body.
"It's going to be a success. The album. I just know." Jinyoung reassures him.
"Thanks, Nyoung. It means a lot."
Jinyoung nods and kisses him again.
"How do you feel about a movie?"
"Go ahead. Pick one." Jaebeom says. He pats Jinyoung on the butt on his way out of the bedroom, gaining a small grunt and a glare.
Jaebeom waits, smirking until Jinyoung has left the room entirely and unlocks his phone in search of his messaging app.
Jaebeom:
Thanks, Bam.
He sends and doesn't wait for a reply. Hoping the younger will know what he's thankful for.
Surely, the strange sensations in his chest won't go away in a blink, but now that he's here, with Jinyoung waiting for him on the living room couch, it isn't something he can work on and fix. With time.