Work Text:
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
It felt like every memory you had of him, his back was turned towards you.
He was aloof, distant. No matter if you held your hand out to him and cried his name, he would never turn around to respond. His eyes were towards the horizon and his own future, away from you. A bitterness was constantly cloying in your mouth, suffocating you. You weren’t meant for a happy ending. It was what fate had in store for you. Heartbreak, tears, a broken heart... it was all you knew now. You couldn’t remember a time you were happy.
Perhaps it was his fault. You mostly blamed yourself.
---
He was five, and you were four. He was the bright star that you saw at night, and the rays of sun you chased in the morning. No matter how hard you tried to gain his attention, his eyes very rarely strayed to you. He was too busy, too caught up in his best friend. He had no time to pay attention to a younger girl who he found to be quite foolish.
You didn’t much mind though. You were still too young to understand heartbreak, and in your own way you thought he might care for you. He did. You were sure of it. There was nothing there to prove he did care about you, not yet anyway. Later on in your young life, he would be kind to you occasionally, but that was mostly because you were just there.
You were like all the other kids. You went to the small island to play and hang out with friends. Though you all knew each other, you felt distant from Riku. Only a year separated the two of you, and yet you felt like there was some uncrossable rift between you. You would never be able to get close to him, and he would never notice you the way your young heart wanted.
You had scuffed your knee once and he had helped you to your feet, dusting you off. It was one of the first times he had ever seemed to actually see you. Your eyes raised up to him in wonder and a smile slowly dawned on your face. The sun glinted off his silver hair, and for a moment you thought you saw a halo.
---
He was ten, and you were nine. A rousing game of volleyball was being played on Destiny Islands’ beach. You were laughing, mostly because of his antics with Sora. You couldn’t think of one without the other that summer. They were attached at the hip, more than they usually were. You tried to push yourself into their midst, but it was impossible.
You couldn’t find it within yourself to mind though.
To bear a grudge was past you. You didn’t have it in your childish heart; the anger, the despair, the hopelessness to look at him with a dark emotion in your eyes. Instead you laughed, and tried to talk to him after the game but he brushed you off. No matter. You were in puppy love and you didn’t care if he never noticed you. It was okay that he hung out with the older boys and didn’t have time to look at you. The only person who he spoke to that wasn’t one of his guy friends was Kairi, but you couldn’t find it within yourself to resent her for it. She was too nice to you.
You still tried though, you tried to make him notice you and be your friend. You just wanted to be close to him, because this awestruck way you gazed at him was from years of idolizing. Perhaps you didn’t really know him, or appreciate him for who he was. You were too young to realize it.
You just wanted to be close to him.
---
He was fourteen, and you were thirteen. It was almost beautiful, this soul crushing misery that enveloped you when you saw him look at her. He looked at her the way you always wished, the way you craved the most. He looked at her as if she was the only person in the world for him, though she didn’t notice and neither did his best friend. You noticed though. You usually noticed things about him that others overlooked.
It was a cloying darkness in your heart that made you take a step back and not greet him that day. Every day you would run up and yell his name, saying hello and asking how he was. Not that day, or any day afterward. You stopped. You pulled yourself back and berated yourself. Foolish, foolish, foolish. He didn’t care if you greeted him, and he probably wouldn’t miss it that you suddenly stopped. He was too wrapped up in his own world.
Did he notice? You weren’t sure. You stopped speaking to him as easily as you used to. Though you tried to keep up pretenses, to make him believe you were still friendly towards him, you could feel your heart icing over.
What was the point of loving someone, if they would never love you back?
---
He was seventeen, and you were sixteen. It was the first time you had seen him in almost two years. Your heart actually stalled in your chest when your eyes alighted on him, and he paused as he looked slowly in your direction. It was as if he could finally sense you, after all these years. He acknowledged you.
Your eyes met, held. For a brief moment, there was nothing else in this universe.
His brows furrowed and he called out a name-- your name, you were sure of it-- but you had already turned away. You walked quietly back towards your math class and didn’t look at him again all that day. He tried to speak to you at lunch time, but you evaded him. You didn’t think you were strong enough yet to chance a conversation. You had avoided him for precisely this purpose, so your heart could heal and you could forget your childish daydreams of him.
You were well on your way to getting over him. You weren’t going to fall back into that old self again.
---
He was eighteen, and you were seventeen. Riku felt like he had never actually seen you before until the day he came back to Destiny Islands. You had changed into someone that made his heart flutter in his chest, his stomach clench with feeling. He tried to ask you to a dance, but you evaded his question and gave him a vague, almost-not-there smile. “Sorry,” you told him but didn’t offer him any explanation. You walked away without looking back.
The girl from his childhood might have said yes, but the girl you were now barely even looked him in the eye. The girl he remembered would have glanced over his shoulder at him and smiled warmly, waving as she said she’d see him later. This one didn’t even seem to have the time of day for him now. Had he been away too long? Had things really gotten so bad that you didn’t even like to be around him anymore? He had noticed that you avoided him, but... he had thought...
He had looked forward to coming back and seeing you again. All that time away, and he kept remembering you in your pretty sundress when they were younger, chasing after him. He had thought you had liked him, and he had finally been able to see past Kairi to you. He had wanted to make things right. He would ask you out, and the two of you would get closer and he’d finally have something for himself. He’d finally have a little bit of light. As he watched you walk away, he wondered where it had all gone wrong.
What had happened to the girl he remembered from his youth? What had changed her to this cold, distant person who’s smile didn’t even reach her eyes?
Who had changed her?
---
He was twenty, and you were nineteen. It was raining, which you supposed was only fitting. Riku stood in front of you, panting as if he had ran a full mile. You supposed he had; he had given chase to you when he had seen you down the street, trying to catch up to you. You had heard him yelling your name, but had feigned ignorance. You hadn’t wanted to speak to the phantom from your dreams.
You still thought of him, from time to time. You didn’t want to, but he came unbidden to your dreams when you least expected it. You still wondered what might have happened in the past if you had said yes to that invitation to a dance. Would the two of you be together now, happy and smiling? Or would everything have fallen even more horribly apart? You didn’t want to think of what ifs and what could have beens. You wanted to focus on your own life, and your own future.
He had gone away for university and you hadn’t talked to him in almost a year. You had decided to stay close to home and attend community college for your first two years. You didn’t like change; you supposed it was something that was in your blood. Your father didn’t appreciate change either. That hadn’t stopped your mother from divorcing him and moving away though. Love wasn’t meant to last. You had accepted that now.
“I haven’t seen you in ages,” he murmured as he straightened, and an easy smile came to his lips. Maybe once upon a time that smile would have stopped your heart, but now it only irked you. You were late for your class. What did he want? “Can we get together sometime?”
“Why?” You asked and a brow shot up. Riku looked confused, then hurt. “I’m a little late, Riku, I have to...” There was something he wanted to say, it was on the tip of his tongue. You could practically see it as you started to turn away to leave.
“Wait!” He called you back, voice frantic. You turned to peer at him curiously and that brow was quirked up again. “Whenever I asked you to hang out during school, you’d always make excuses,” he said and his voice was quiet, thoughtful. “Why don’t you ever want to be around me?”
You blinked back at him owlishly, tilting your head to the side. “Why would you care so much? You’re always surrounded by friends. What do I matter?”
“You do matter,” he told you. “You matter a lot.”
“I don’t know why,” you told him plainly, and left it at that. You thought it would be left at that. You even turned to leave but this time Riku reached out and grasped your wrist, stopping you. You gasped a little in surprise, not expecting physical contact, and whirled back around to glare at him. “What, Riku!? We haven’t seen each other in two years. What do you want from me?”
“I like you.” He said it point blank, as if it was just a fact of life and the two of you had to accept it. You stared at him in mute shock, mouth open wide. You were too numb to realize what he had just said, not yet. You continued to stare, and then he went on. “I’ve liked you since I came back, and... I just... I don’t want to live life not knowing what could have been if I had only just told you.”
You couldn’t do this. You couldn’t let him wrap you up in this delusion. He would get tired of you. You weren’t anything special, and there was really no reason for him to stick around even if he did start something with you. Besides, you were going to different schools and you honestly didn’t like change. Not anymore. You were set in your ways.
“Well,” you said slowly, as if weighing each word. “Now you know.” Then you turned around and walked away. Your iced over heart gave a pulse, and pain shot through you, but you didn’t look back. You couldn’t look back. This was the only way your life could proceed.
---
He was twenty five, and you were twenty four. He felt as if his heart was breaking all over again. When he had admitted to you his feelings, he had thought that would be the worst. His heart would shatter, re-mend, and then he’d go on with life. He didn’t think he would be haunted by the what-ifs still, and the what-could-have-beens. He thought they would fade to the back of his mind, but they were still there every time he heard your name.
He wouldn’t even have known the wedding was taking place if it hadn’t been for Sora and Kairi. They had gotten invitations, but he had not. He showed up anyway though. He wanted to be here for this day, to watch all his dreams shatter for good. Maybe then he could move on. Maybe then he could find peace.
You were beautiful in your pure white dress, and your veil shadowing your face. Your father walked you down that aisle and looked proud, his chest puffed out and his eyes shining bright. Your smile curved your lips, but it still didn’t quite meet your eyes. Riku wasn’t sure why he found comfort in that. Though you were getting married and you seemed pleased, you weren’t blissfully happy like most couples. There was something missing in you too.
If you had given him a chance, if maybe the two of you had worked things out, perhaps...
But it would do no good to dwell on that. He watched as the two of you swore to love and cherish each other, swore to be together till death do you part. It all sounded hollow coming from you. You weren’t head over heels for this man, you didn’t look at him with a bright, shining smile like most women do. You were doing this out of obligation, he was sure. Kairi had said you were two months along now.
The reception afterward was even harder for Riku. He waited until everyone was done giving their congratulations before approaching you. Your husband had went off somewhere, leaving you to your own devices. You shouldn’t have been left alone. If he had married you, he wouldn’t have left your side once. “I wish you happiness,” Riku murmured as he reached your side. Instantly your body stiffened, and Riku watched as you almost mechanically smiled and looked his way.
“Thank you,” was your simple response.
The two of you left it at that. He stood there for a few minutes, just watching you, and then downed his alcoholic drink and walked away.
He thought ‘true love’ was supposed to conquer all. What a load of bullshit.
---
He was thirty, and you were twenty nine. He saw you in a park for the first time in years, a young child tugging at your hand. He approached you mostly out of curiosity. Were you happy? Were you settled in your life? When he was within a few feet of you, you finally noticed him and turned (e/c) eyes upon him. “Riku,” you said, speaking first. He was startled you remembered him at all. He had never forgotten you over the years, but he had assumed you would eventually forget him. A smile curved your lips as you peered at him, almost bowling him over with surprise and shock. You hadn’t smiled at him in quite some time, at least not a real smile.
“How are you?” You asked when he made no move to speak. Confusion was coming into your eyes the longer he stayed silent. Quickly, he gathered his wits. Come on, Riku!
“Great!” He said, though he stumbled over the word a little as he hurried to get it out. He smiled back at you. “And you?” His eyes went to the little boy clinging to your hand, peering up at him cautiously. He didn’t look anything like his father; he had your coloring, and your facial structure. He was the spitting image of you. Riku smiled at him too, but the boy just hid behind your legs.
“My life has been getting better,” you responded, and there was a heavy weight behind those words. He quirked his brows, but didn’t press. You decided to humor him by explaining. “I recently got divorced,” you told him with a sad smile. “It seems my husband didn’t take our vows seriously, and slept around.” You shrugged, and it appeared you didn’t really mind his absence. “Wataya and I don’t mind.” You looked down at your son and he smiled up at you.
Riku wasn’t sure what to say, but for some odd reason a flutter of hope began in his chest. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he told you, “but at least you’re still optimistic.”
“I didn’t have work today, and I had promised Wataya I would take him out,” you told him. “I honestly don’t know this area quite well, I just moved to this part of town.” You looked around and then laughed, squeezing your son’s hand gently. “I figured the park was a good start.”
“Are you free?” Riku asked, and the flutter was increasing inside of him. He felt like it was going to choke him at any second, but he had to try. This felt like his last chance, something he had been waiting all these years for. “I know a nice cafe a few blocks over. We could all go together.”
For a moment, he dreaded you would turn him down. You bit your lower lip and pulled it between your teeth, then glanced down at your son. He looked back up at you peacefully, eyes curious, and you finally turned to stare at Riku. “I suppose... that would be nice,” you murmured and you smiled again. Riku lost his breath and smiled back, laughing.
“Good!” He said and waved his hand back the way he had come. “We can walk together. It’s this way.” The three of you set out for your new destination, and Riku couldn't seem to take his eyes off you. Especially each time you smiled at him.
It reached your eyes.
---
He was thirty four, and you were thirty three. Even though this was the second time you were getting married, you looked more luminous than the first. The smile upon your face was exuberant, bright. It reached your eyes and transformed your whole face into a beautiful sight Riku never wanted to look away from. This ceremony was small, held on the beach of Destiny Islands. When Riku had proposed to you, he had told you afterward he hoped it could be held here. You told him you would love to have it there, just as long as you didn’t get sand in your shoes. So he had suggested you walk barefoot, and that was what you did.
Of course, this wasn’t the way Riku had always envisioned it... it was better because it was real. When he first realized he had feelings for you, he had dreamed of marrying you right off the bat when the two of you were still youthful. He didn’t think he’d be doing it at the ripe age of thirty four, and when you already had one child. Though he didn’t mind.
Wataya was a sharp, charming young boy and Riku was proud to be going through the paperwork to adopt him. Someday he hoped to give Wataya a sibling or two. The boy did seem awfully lonely at home without anyone else to play with. Riku would love to rectify that.
When the ceremony was complete, and everyone was at the reception, Riku went through with what he had thought so long ago. Where your first husband had left your side multiple times without batting an eye, he didn’t leave you all night. The smile on your lips was tender as you both held out the cake to each other, the first slice having been cut. He laughed when you smeared it, and he did the same on your own face.
Life was perfect.
At first he had thought you only wanted to keep yourself unhappy, distant and cold. He hadn’t realized you just needed time to settle into life and to learn to accept happiness when it came.
“Here,” he said, pretending to be ready to make peace. You looked doubtfully at him, a small smile dancing at the corner of your lips.
“You’re just going to smear that all over my face again, aren’t you?”
“Would I do such a thing to the woman I love?” He asked and you laughed, opening your mouth for the piece of cake. He promptly smeared it over your cheek and you cried out in mock outrage, laughing all the while.
“I’m going to get you for that!” You told him, before he wrapped his arms around you for a mind blowing kiss.