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Never a dull moment in his life, that's what all the people would say if he'd been cast to play a role on screen for the soulful eyes of a keen audience. Meet their expectations as his main objective and carry the trophy home when it all went according to plan.
But Madara hadn't won with an audition nor did he believe anyone was watching — it was just a perilous case of seeing his life in first person. He'd known from the start that any god out there was just some flip-of-a-coin trick, he'd known everything ran on its own measure - vulnerability - desire, and sometimes none of it even held explanation. Nothing set in stone, a guide to him had been but a foreign concept. All locked away in fairytales and beliefs he'd rather never get involved in.
So maybe that was what started this, the fear of being seen. He hadn't meant to just dip, but Rei asked far too complicated questions none of which he could answer. As if said question managed to get stuck in his ears as his voice tripped up by otherwise healthy vocal cords. A mystery, why and when did it get so hard to converse? Maybe that was where it started.
"Madara-kun.." Rei calls from the other room, experimental at best - a bit sad at worst. Madara would come back in due time, he just could not stand still. He'd rather be anywhere else than idle in his own head. Even if the hand of guidance had been extended with so much grace.
The attention landed on him.
When I asked you, I knew I'd get no answer.
Ghosting through long hallways, up some stairs and down others, a comfortable sort of labyrinth. He's gotten used to the flickering of lights and lack of it altogether in areas like he'd never known anything different. He pauses for a second, eyes scratching the door of a long-tired Sakuma Ritsu. Was he supposed to feel pity? All efforts Rei-san took to reach his brother never seemed enough, time and time again he'd been met with baring teeth and icy eyes that for all intents and purposes should have been warm. Like the two didn't share any traits at all anymore, at least not when in the same room.
Flickering of a small dying light tells him it's time to move on, best to let the boy rest. He doesn't even know what he would say really, they've barely spoken. Perhaps that's something he shares with Rei.
Moving along Madara extends a hand to a gray-striped cat who's nestled up in a shelf. Usually, it's too dim to notice him, but Madara bets on always finding him here. "Hey Mochi-chan.."
The cat's purr is enough to say I'm so happy you're here and that gets the corners of this man's lips to lift. If only a little. He'd been in control of every movement, it was his choice to walk up here with no say on where he'd end up. But perhaps the universe still granted him peace in the form of a fluffy cat who liked him far more than anyone else. How rare.
"Do you ever go anywhere else bud? Explore?" He says as if animals can understand the likes of human questions. He's met with the silence of the hall, and then Mochi meows.
He takes it as a sign to get going, but maybe it'd been a yes too.
How many answers can I truly expect to ever find?
When he hits another descending staircase, the thoughts rush back. Subdued for enough time to forget, but forgetting never lent itself all that permanent.
Did he have any right to criticize how Ritsu felt? No.
Because when it came down to it, Madara was just as bad at catching the hand calling out to him. It was certainly in his reach, always in the form of a looming phone call or a day where his heart shatters just enough to where he can't give less of a fuck about keeping his cool. But actually taking hold of Rei's hand makes his stomach churn. Like if he let his soul bleed any more in front of those crimson eyes he'd dissolve into the dust that gets stuck in the floorboards. He hates leaving a mark.
His inevitable destruction of everything around him. No one had been watching, but he had to see it all.
Familiar stings hit his eyes and for a second he considers just sitting on the top step of these stairs, to bury his face in his hands as everything around him becomes too much. Despite how dim it all is. In darkness, the monsters of the mind are in their element. It's so easy to fall prey to it, the sinister eyes waiting to strike at his weakest point.
Fuck it.
Madara holds on to the handrail as he ignores his instincts, reaching the floor with dejected shoulders. And without letting anything catch up, he turns the corner to rejoin Rei in the living room. Atmosphere slightly brighter because the other man had been reading, and perhaps to fool guests into the security that their lights won't shoot out at any second. The warmth of light is nothing compared to when he collapses on the couch.
He's involuntarily pulled by Rei's arms to rest his head on his lap, though there's no resistance. May be the only being of darkness who hasn't sought to hurt him.
If there's a god out there, how do the kind people you place on Earth do it?
"How can you look at me." With a smile on your face.
He wants to say so many things to that.
'There isn't anything that could tempt me to turn away.'
'Because I love you.'
'I can't let you disappear.'
But Rei instead runs his fingers through Madara's hair. "I just do." Never takes his eyes off the pained face he holds so close — and he wishes he could take away the reasons he's asking that in the first place.
God never granted wishes, they seemed more privy to playing tricks.
Tears trickle down Madara's cheeks and the first thing he goes for is closing his eyes. The eye contact is too much, how do you manage to keep them open?
"Madara-kun, you wouldn't turn away to a deer whose leg is fractured. You would get it the help it needs in a heartbeat I'm sure." Rei's thumb wipes at his tears. "Didn't you tell me yourself you'd vow to protect everyone you care for?"
It's soothing. As soothing as hearing a voice can get while silently crying. Madara raises his left hand up, and his angels are his saviors tonight. Rei clasps their fingers together.
At first it's gentle, but Rei tightens his grip and leans down to be even closer. Putting his other arm under Madara's shoulders so they're as close as can be. Whatever sort of embrace this counted as, Madara welcomes the warmth.
Why should I beg to be saved by someone who doesn't even care.
His eyes flicker open, they feel dry even if that's impossible.
"I didn't wanna talk about it then."
"You don't have to."
You can't say that anymore.
You make me want to.
And isn't a want just millimeters from being a need? To the human existence, the line blurs on quite a many occasion. It's as clear as the days they choose to run away from, Madara needs to talk.
Lifting himself so he's less 'at the mercy of Rei's arms' and more can I rest my head on your shoulder — of course — taking a breath almost psyches him out of it. Not this time.
"I believe them sometimes. My parents." He says it almost too casually for what it really entails. "All I'm good for is destroying everything I touch."
"Everything?" Rei's voice borders on disbelief.
"Yeah, everything and everyone."
He's said this before, to himself more times than he could ever keep track of and it's something shy of surprising to be questioned. How deep did ingrained belief go, he wonders.
"Are you afraid of hurting me?" The nod against his shoulder is enough confirmation.
I don't wanna live to see that happen.
"With my track record, shouldn't I?"
Rei takes a moment to think out his response. Choosing not to let go of Madara's hand no matter what, he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
"I think we just view you, Mama, and some circumstances of your life differently; your perspective is much harsher."
So someone was watching, maybe even multiple people were. Was that what it meant to cross paths with someone else? To collaborate in living and observation? Maybe the prospects were much less agonizing, and more so frustrating. If everyone watched, why didn't they take the time to intervene? Did he simply focus too much on intervention? Ah, and now he's back at the beginning.. Rei senses he's struck something.
"Whatever happens to us in the near future won't be another death. You need not worry so much, especially not about me.. I've lived through Hell and I'm willing to take my chances. And.. The fact you're here now means I'm doing something right." Rei muses as he does with reassuring words he's so ever good with.
"And if my fear comes true?"
"Then we deal with the aftermath the best we can. You can't control everything— no matter how hard you want to."
He'd given him that lesson before Madara even accepted his offer of becoming his successor. Not that he hadn't already known it, he'd been painfully aware how life did not have steady horns to hold. Ever since he failed his first friend - he didn't hold much faith if any at all. But repetition was medicine, a lifetime prescription. Hearing it again never hurt.
"Besides you can't destroy everything you touch, Mochi-chan likes you most after all."
And so do I.
"Tell me about what you were reading.."
Rei lets out a chuckle. "An alien girl doing everything she can to protect her planet, and others. The reason I laugh is because she reminds me of someone.."
"You." Madara says with so much confidence. "That's you."
"..I was going to say you. You'd sacrifice your entire life in order to protect everyone else, very hero-like."
He can't argue with that. Wanting to deny it— very much a want, not a need.
"I'm still not wrooong though. I mean haven't you already done that exact thing Rei-san?"
"We'll go in circles if we keep this up."
"Then.. kiss me instead."
Everything I need is right here.
"Gladly."