Chapter Text
I'm disappointed in you. I miss you. I don't want you back.
Gordon stares at the words through tear blurred eyes. He’s been crying for a while now, ever since he understood what the content of this letter really was about. It’s these last words though, that delivers the killing blow. The tears running down his face drips onto the paper, staining it and blurring the words even further.
While he knew things had been rocky between him and Tommy lately, he never expected things to be this bad. He knows exactly what caused it though. Who has caused this letter to arrive at his doorstep.
…
It had been so easy in the beginning, when they’d just gotten out of Black Mesa. Gordon had been so paranoid back then, not daring to go outside if the military would try and retaliate against him. Tommy had been the only one able to calm him down.
“It’s uhm… It’s ok Mr. Freeman. My dad, he took care of everything.”
Gordon had looked up at the man, standing before him in his bright yellow cardigan and ever present propellor hat, looking a lot like a host from a children’s tv- show. Tommy’s bright disposition had been in stark contrast to the dim light of Gordon’s apartment, who’s blinds hadn’t been opened ever since he got home.
“Sorry bud, I’m not so sure I trust that. We- you know we killed a lot of soldiers.”
Gordon had winced at the memory of it, a flash of phantom pain traveling up his arm. He’d gotten it back somehow, and the only reminder of that whole incident was the pale scar around his arm and the bursts of pain that flashed through it at times.
Tommy had looked at him then, with something that Gordon would have perceived as pity from anyone else. On Tommy’s gentle face though, it only came off as worry mixed with sympathy.
“I know but my dad he- they won’t be able to know it was us.”
While Gordon had some faith in G-man’s abilities, he had teleported them back to earth somehow and restored Gordon’s arm after all, he still wasn’t sure that the man could make that amount of slaughter just disappear from the minds of the US military.
“What about that Forzen guy? He got away! How can we be sure that he-”
Dad paid him off.” Tommy said, interrupting Gordon’s paranoid ramble before it could even begin. “He’s not- he’s not so bad you know. Once you get to- to know him.”
“The fuck? You’ve been talking to Forzen?” A spike of fear ran through Gordon at those words as he shot up from his couch, stalking over towards the window and peeking through the blinds as if he’s expecting to find the man hiding behind the cars down on the street.
“He came and ap- apollo- wanted to say he was sorry for the uhm… the whole Sunkist business. He brought me a Beyblade and everything.”
Looking back towards Tommy, Gordon had found him holding out his hand, a small plastic toy resting in the middle of it.
“I mean… he could just try and trick you again bud.”
“He wouldn’t do that Mr. Freeman!” Tommy had exclaimed, sounding horrified by the mere thought. “The bond between fellow beyblade players is a sacred one.”
Despite not being fully convinced, the Gordon had been able to sleep a little better after this talk.
It still hadn’t been enough to get Gordon to join on the daily walks Tommy took with Sunkist though, and the older scientist had made it routine to stop by Gordon’s apartment at the end of it instead. Often he brought little gifts. A soda, some takeout from his favorite places or a set of Beyblades so Gordon got some kind of enrichment that wasn’t cooking shows on Netflix.
Eventually Gordon did manage to venture outside, clinging to Tommy’s side the first few times. Tommy never complained though, instead he wrapped a lanky arm around Gordon’s shoulder, pulling him even closer as they walked down the sunny sidewalk.
“It’s ok Mr. Freeman,” Tommy had said, his voice hushed like he’d been afraid to startle the shorter man. “I won’t- nothing bad will happen as long as you’re with me.”
Gordon still isn’t sure if this was the moment his crush started to develop, or if he just noticed feelings that had been there for a long time already.
It still took him several weeks and some new PTSD medication to work up the courage to actually ask Tommy out for a date. Before this he held several long conversations over text with Bubby and Dr. Coomer. Or rather, Gordon sent essay long messages with pro’s and con’s lists to ask Tommy out. Dr. Coomer sent back encouraging things about young love and links to wikipedia articles about various mostly related topics. Bubby mostly called Gordon various names, implying that he was too much of a chicken shit to ever actually do the deed.
In the end, it was actually Bubby who eventually got Gordon to pull the trigger on that conversation (by threatening to tell Tommy himself if Gordon didn’t man up and asked him out but that’s beside the point). So on their next walk with Sunkist, Gordon stammered his way through his confession, the notes he’d carelessly written on his palm unreadable thanks to how sweaty he’d gotten. Luckily, Tommy didn’t have any trouble understanding him and the smile he gave Gordon lit up his whole face.
“I’d- I’d love to, Mr Freeman.”
Gordon had laughed then, the anxiety that had been building for several weeks finally releasing him from its grasp. Tommy hadn’t laughed, but his smile had grown even wider. “Please…” Gordon had wheezed once he’d been able to catch his breath. “I think- it’s gonna be fucking weird if you keep calling me that on a date. You- just call me Gordon, ok?”
“Oh.” Tommy said, like the thought had just occurred to him. “I can do that Mr- uhm… I mean. I can do that, Gordon.”
Gordon hadn’t been able to stop a blush rising to his cheeks at the sound of Tommy saying his first name like that. Luckily, he hadn’t been the only one blushing at that moment.
Their first date had been at a classic 50’s styled diner. Gordon had asked if he hadn’t wanted to go anywhere fancier but Tommy had insisted that this place had the best root beer floats in the whole state. Apparently he’d done research on the topic. Gordon couldn’t protest against that and in the end, he was glad he didn’t. Sitting opposite Tommy in a booth, sipping from a root beer with two silly straws, somehow ended up one of the most romantic moments in his life.
And so it began, his and Tommy’s relationship. There had been some more dates before their first kiss, which Tommy had initiated before quickly stepping away, leaving Gordon flushed and starry eyed outside his own door. Some more dates and a lot more kissing later and they’d finally tumbled into bed together.
While at first glance, Tommy might come off as timid and shy, Gordon knew from experience that this was mostly because of the way he spoke and avoided eye contact. In reality, Tommy was not afraid to take charge, something Gordon became very privy to during that first night. While being far from his first male partner, Tommy was the first one to dominate him so completely. Afterwards, when Gordon laid sweaty and satisfied in Tommy’s arms, his neck and torso filled with bruises from the older scientist’s mouth, he tried to figure out how he’d ever managed to get this lucky.
This bliss lasted all of six months. After that, they returned.
To be honest, Gordon hadn't thought much about Benrey once the nightmares had stopped. The entity , as G-man had described them, had been destroyed in the final battle and in Gordon’s mind, that was it. Only, it wasn't’. Because one brisk autumn afternoon, they’d turned up on Gordon’s doorstep.
Gordon had frozen in place where he stood on in the hallway, the fight and flight response in his brain not able to decide and therefore ending up on freeze. Benrey both looked just as Gordon remembered them but at the same time totally different. There was that same gaunt face, same unsettlingly dark eyes and shadow cast over them. Only now they were no longer dressed in the Black Mesa uniform. Instead of a helmet, a dark blue beanie was pulled over a mop of dark hair. That coupled with the hoodie, sweatpants as well as the crocks and socks combo made Benrey look exactly like the cellar dweller gamer they always sounded like. So here Benrey was, their face unreadable as they peered up from underneath their beanie.
“Yo.”
The sound of their voice was what finally made the pendulum in Gordon’s brain smash into the fight option. Before he’d gotten the chance to rear his arm back to punch Benrey in their fucking face, Tommy ha come walking out from the kitchen. His question about what was taking Gordon so long faltered halfway as his eyes landed on Benrey.
“TOMMY!”
“Ben- Benrey?”
Gordon never did get to punch Benrey in the face, since he was swiftly pushed aside to give room for Tommy to sweep them into a hug.
This marked what Gordon saw as the beginning of all the problems in his and Tommy’s relationship. It really didn’t matter that Tommy tried to explain that Benrey hadn’t fully grasped what they had been doing in Black Mesa. That them not being human somehow explained why they thought getting his arm cut off was a funny joke. According to Tommy, Benrey had apparently thought it grew back. When Gordon incredulously had asked if Benrey had been raised in a lab, Tommy had looked so sad that he decided to drop the topic. Apparently, it had all been explained to them now, although Gordon didn’t believe that for shit. Nor the “apology” they gave under Tommy’s supervision. Being traumatized to the point of not functioning without medication can’t really be fixed with a “my bad” in Gordon’s book.
Not that his opinion on things mattered. Tommy was adamant that Benrey be included in all Science team activities now that they’ve apparently returned from the dead. Gordon had hoped that at least Dr. Coomer or Bubby would be on his side on this but it turned out not to be the case. Dr. Coomer had swept up Benrey in a spine crushing hug the moment he lay eyes on the ex security guard, loudly announcing that he was “glad that Bibbet was back.”
Bubby hadn’t given them as warm of a welcome but after some complaining he also accepted Benrey back into their mist. It was like Gordon was the only one actually remembering that Benrey had tried to kill them all at one point. Even if Benrey seemed perfectly harmless now, Gordon didn’t trust them as far as he could throw them. Which wouldn’t be far since Gordon had been neglecting to go to the gym even before the Resonance Cascade.
Still, it didn’t matter what Gordon thought, Benrey was back and there was nothing he could do about it. That didn’t mean he had to be happy about it either though. When the group hung out together, Gordon did his best to ignore Benrey as much as possible. At times, this was easy since Benrey seemed to hang back a lot, preferring to sit in a corner and play on their handheld console of choice.
Had things stayed like this, it might not have been so bad. Unfortunately, Tommy kept dragging them into the conversations and activities the Science Team were doing. It didn’t take long for Benrey to go back to their usual annoying self, which unfortunately included teasing Gordon. It was the usual stuff, calling him names, acting like they didn’t hear him or understood what he said. Gordon snapped at them a few times, raised his voice and pushed them away much like he had in Black Mesa.Tommy had intervened though, sitting Gordon down an evening after such an altercation had occurred and sternly telling him that he was acting like a bully.
“You’re being mean Gordon.”
“I’m not being mean! I’m standing up for myself. Since no one else seems to be fucking doing it.” Tommy had deflated at those words and guilt had flushed the residual anger out of Gordon’s body. “I didn’t mean- Listen. I’m just trying to keep my boundaries up around that guy, ok? I’ve accepted that they’re going to be… around from now on. But that doesn’t mean I have to put up with their bullshit.”
With a sigh, Tommy leaned against Gordon’s side, his long arm wrapping around Gordon’s shoulder in that way that he always did when trying to calm him down. And as usual, it worked like magic, Gordon melting against Tommy’s side, his head ending up on the taller man’s shoulder.
“They’re not trying to be mean.”
“Yeah?” Gordon asked, giving Tommy an incredulous look. “What are they trying to do then?”
“Flirt?”
Gordon had snorted a laugh then, slapping Tommy teasingly on the knee. “Gross. But really, I have no fucking idea what they’re trying to achieve.”
“I can uhm… I’ll talk to them. If they stop, you gotta- gotta promise to be more nice, ok?”
Be more nice. It had sounded so easy when Tommy had put it like that. Gordon had known it wouldn’t be though.
While Gordon wasn’t privy to the details of Tommy’s conversation with Benrey, it must have taken place because the teasing eased up after that. Although Gordon would have preferred it to have continued over what they started doing next.
He’d suspected Benrey had a crush on Tommy ever since they returned. There was just a way with how he acted around Tommy, like a puppy following its owner around. They always laughed more when Tommy said something even similar to a joke and insisted on showing him stuff in their games all the time. There was also the way they looked at the older man, their eyes growing soft and adoring when Tommy did something. Not that Gordon spent much time watching Benrey or anything, it was just impossible to miss.
All that he could ignore, until the touching started. It started out small, Benrey always hugging Tommy when they met and said goodbye, pulling at his sleeve whenever they wanted or needed anything. After his and Tommy’s talk though, they started to grow bolder. Holding Tommy’s hand, even as his other arm was looped around Gordon’s shoulder, or leaning against Tommy’s side when they all sat on Tommy’s wide couch together. Worst was when they crawled into Tommy’s lap though, the look of satisfaction on their face when they caught Gordon’s eye was enough to make him want to wring their neck.
Eventually it all spilled over at a BBQ party. Gordon had overindulged on the cocktails Darnold had prepared for them all (The scientist had apparently also made it out from Black Mesa thanks to his rocket boots and at times he joined in on the Science Team’s shenanigans) and with liquid courage burning in his stomach he’d dragged Benrey off to a secluded corner and pushed them up against a wall. They hadn’t said anything, not even protesting when Gordon gripped their stupid meme t-shirt, only looked at him with dark eyes and an unreadable expression.
“Listen here you little shit,” Gordon had hissed through gritted teeth. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing but Tommy is with me.”
He’d expected some kind of response, maybe a taunt of some kind, or an excuse. Benrey only blinked slowly at him though, nothing else even twitching in their face. For some reason this provoked Gordon even more and he pulled Benrey close only to slam them back into the wall.
“Stop fucking… just fucking stop! Ok?! I don’t fucking care that you have the other ones all- all tricked. You can’t fucking trick me. I fucking know what you are.”
This finally got him a reaction. Something flashes over Benrey’s face, although Gordon wasn’t sure what it was. Hurt? Anger? …Sadness? He quickly dismissed the last one. There is no fucking way Benrey even knew how to be sad.
His theory was all but proven correct when they finally opened their mouth to speak. “Kinda stupid Feetman. Don’t get it do you? Can do what I want. What you gonna do about it?”
It’s all a bit hazy in Gordon’s memory after that. The next thing he remembers clearly is the look of hurt on Tommy’s face as he’s dragged off Benrey. Apparently he’d managed to break their nose before the others heard the ruckus and Dr. Coomer had broken up the fight. Although, thinking back on it, it hadn’t been much of a fight since Gordon was the only one who did anything. Benrey hadn’t even tried to hit him back, not even to defend themselves. Gordon is convinced this is part of their scheme as well.
He’d tried to tell Tommy this once they were finally alone. That Benrey had provoked him, that they’d all but told him that they would try to steal Tommy from him. It hadn’t mattered what Gordon had said though, however much he’d tried to defend his actions. Tommy had driven him home in silence, dropped him off at Gordon’s apartment. The letter had arrived the day after.
It didn’t mince any words of the reason for the breakup. According to Tommy, it was all because of how Gordon was so unwilling to let go of his animosity towards Benrey. How he kept trying to paint Benrey as the bad guy. And then finally, those devastating words at the end.
I'm disappointed in you. I miss you. I don't want you back.