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“Do you like being alone, Lily?”
Regulus turns his head to look at his friend who is sitting against the wall beside him on the balcony of the astronomy tower. It’s dark out, considering it’s almost midnight. James lent Regulus his cloak, so he wouldn’t have a problem getting back to the dungeons.
“What do you mean?” Lily asks softly, eyes trained on the sky, her head resting against the wall. “I mean, I like my alone time, if that’s what you’re asking. I guess nobody really likes being alone,” she wonders aloud, chuckling. Regulus nods, swallowing thickly. “Except for you. You never have a problem with being alone,” she points out, nudging him with her elbow.
There’s a sharp pain in Regulus’ chest, and it hits him the moment Lily’s words leave her mouth and for some reason it makes him feel really, really sick. That’s how it seems, doesn’t it? He likes being alone, he likes being with himself, being in his head, alone with his thoughts.
If he’s being completely honest, Regulus would rather die than be alone with his thoughts. But it’s just that he feels so fucking alone lately. It isn’t that he is alone physically, not at all. He has his friends, his brother, his boyfriend, he has McGonagall, he has Effie and Monty. He knows that he’s not alone, he does, but there’s a part of him that still feels like he is.
Sometimes, Regulus wishes somebody could be in his mind with him. He wishes somebody could sit there and hear his thoughts, pull them out of his head and lay them out like a deck of cards because he doesn’t understand them and he doesn’t know if he ever will.
“Regulus?”
“Hm?”
“You’re thinking so hard I can see the smoke coming out of your ears.”
“Lily?”
“Yeah?”
“Go die, please.”
“Gladly.”
It’s silent for another moment before Regulus lets out a shaky breath, pushing his face into his knees and gritting his jaw so tightly that he feels it in his forehead, and he just chuckles. “I don’t want to be alone,” Regulus whispers quietly, and his eyes well up with tears before he even has a chance to stop them.
“I don’t – I don’t like it. I just – I want to let someone – I want someone to, like, hear me. I don’t know. Do you know what I mean, Lily? I just – I want to – fuck , I don’t even know anymore.”
Lily doesn’t say anything. Not at first, at least, but when Regulus chokes out a sob that’s nearly imperceptible, he feels Lily’s arm wrapping around his shoulder and her head resting against his and his entire body breaks as the tears rush out so fast that he can’t even catch them before they leave.
“I hear you, Regulus. I hear you loud and clear.”