Chapter Text
Saying that sentence out loud felt freeing…mostly. But also terrifying. Confusing.
What exactly am I supposed to do with these feelings?
It had been some time after the baseball club and everyone left one by one. Even Diya had decided to drag Min-seo away to spend some alone time together.
Currently, Noelle was standing outside the bathroom alone, waiting for Akarsha. She was unfortunately talked into hanging out with her before going home. While waiting around in silence, she is now forced to reflect on her thoughts and actions that have happened throughout the day.
Noelle couldn’t help but constantly think about Akarsha and her feelings the rest of the day after the Senior Bhangra. Throughout remaining classes, she would constantly stare at Akarsha’s back when she was done with whatever tests and assignments they were given.
During passings, she would always be caught up in whatever ridiculous conversations Akarsha would attack her with and evidently bump or run into something or someone because she couldn't help but give all her attention to the person next to her.
At lunch, she couldn't retort as much as she normally could at whatever nonsense Akarsha sprung at her. Noelle was too distracted by her smiles and laughs to formulate anything better than “you’re annoying,” and “go away.”
During Baseball club, she had tripped over herself 6 times because of Akarsha’s stupid antics and many more stupid jokes.
It seems that I might have become a “fool in love.” Perhaps I should reconsider my “feelings” and thoroughly examine them before proceeding any further if I’m going to be this pathetic.
Noelle closes her eyes and starts massaging her temples, desperately hoping the embarrassment she was currently feeling would subside.
It’s a good thing I've gotten used to having a permanent scowl on my face. She will never notice how strange I'm acting and by the time she DOES expect anything, I’ll have more control over my feelings and I'll be able to…
Do what with them?
Do I court her or not? Should I? Would we even be a good fit for each other?
...Is it ok to like her?
“Hey, all done.”
When she meant “that’s not her style” earlier, does she perhaps mean being extremely affectionate? Or is it simply being public with all that affection? I had easily agreed with her since I assumed it was the latter but what if she’s not interested in someone being into her that strongly?
“Hey!”
Would she be uncomfortable with someone constantly thinking of her? And a friend no less!
How will she feel if I tell her? Should I even tell her?
“HEYYOO!!!!!”
Noelle jumps as she removes her hands from her face and looks over to her side to see Akarsha. “Oh you're done…”
“Yeah I’ve been done for half an hour now.” Akarsha says hands on her hips and a smirk on her face.
Noelle plays her usual role as the straight man and looks at her watch. “It’s only been 5 minutes.”
“Yeah so half an hour in-” Noelle had decided to walk away, fearing that she would laugh at whatever joke would be thrown her way.
Akarsha quickly follows after her. “Wait~ Don’t leave me all alone~”
Once Akarsha had caught up, walked side by side towards the parking lot. For whatever reason, Akarsha remained uncharacteristically quiet, walking with her eyes closed. Noelle couldn’t help but take this chance to stare at her. Again.
I can’t tell if she's plotting something or if somethings wrong… Her thinking face is really-
After a moment, Akarsha’s eyes open suddenly and Noelle quickly looks away and becomes suddenly interested in the ground. She was hopelessly counting each crack she walked over until she was suddenly interrupted by the person next to her screaming.
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
“SHUT UPP!!!! WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY SCREAMING!??!?!”
Arkarsha moves a little ahead of Noelle to walk directly in front of her and turns around while still walking backwards.
“Why wouldn’t I be screaming??? I’m currently freaking out about all kinds of things and I needed to let it all out.” She smiles jeeringly.
“Oh please, you don’t need to do that. I doubt screaming helps anything, you just can’t stop being annoying for one second.” Noelle crosses her arms.
“What’s wrong?” Calm down and talk to me like a normal person. Tell me what’s on your mind and I'll do anything to cheer you up.
Akarsha looks away for a moment, her face panicking for a bit before morphing into a fake grin. “...Seriously?? Never heard of Primal Scream Therapy??? Your living proof that it works you know.”
Of course she's avoiding my question.
“I make you scream and yell everyday and look at you!!!! You're thriving!!!!” She stops walking backwards and bows with hand over her chest. “You're welcome my dear frenchman!”
Noelle’s heart unfortunately stutters at the words “my dear.”
She looks back down to the ground. “…Shut up.”
After a moment of silence, she looked up to see Akarsha looking worried at her.
“Uhh..”
“What?”
“Sorry, I was expecting more of a response. That kinda threw me off…” She steps closer to Noelle, eyebrow raised.
“You ok? You seem kinda out of it today…like earlier.”
Noelle feels as if her heart wants to jump out of her chest, half because of the sudden closeness and the other half because Arkasha is noticing her weirdness. “...I’m just tired. Mentally.” She manages to stumble out, hoping her face appears annoyed to the girl in front of her.
Akarsha’s worried face became even worse, to the point where she almost looked scared. “Oh geez, wanna talk about it?”
“N-no, not at the moment.” Don’t look at me with that kind of face, please.
Akarsha brings a fist to her chin, thinking. “Hmm…Then ya wanna be cheered up???” She then lifts her hands up.
“I know exactly what will help…MORE SCREAMING AHHH-'' Noelle then shoves her. “Don’t you dare you imbecile!!!” She goes into another push but is immediately thwarted by warm hands taking a hold of her own.
“GASP how dare you do such grievous bodily harm to me!!! So mean!!! So much hatred!!!” Akarsha then starts some kind of strange beatboxing, which leads to mumbling out incoherent “lyrics” to some song Noelle doesn’t recognize.
She guides Noelle to do a little sway with her, still holding her hands. “Something something cause people got me questioning~” Arkasha then makes her twirl for the second time today.
“where is the love~~ where is the love~~ Where is-”
The normal Noelle reaction would have been to get her to get her hands free and continue to attack the clown in front of her. Perhaps Noelle should but she can’t even bring herself to pretend she isn’t having fun following along. To be so close to Akarsha while being caught up in her antics makes her heart swell with warmth.
Akarsha makes her do a little spin again and Noelle can’t help but laugh a little this time. “-Where is the love, the love- Hey wait, this just reminded me of something.” She suddenly stops, causing Noelle to trip a little.
“What did you say back there?”
Noelle blinks. “Back where?”
“What do you mean where??? Back when we were doing that funky tango together! You said some shit while smiling and said you will tell me later. And guess what,” she lets go of Noelles hands and raises her arms up in a usual Akarsha shrugging pose “it’s later now!”
“Oh, that.” She grimaced at both the lack of hand holding and that she has to potentially face reality. The possible reality of Akarsha not sharing the same… feelings.
If she tells her that is.
Should I tell her? Will she make fun of me for liking her? Or will she be happy to know that someone likes her that way?
“So???”
“Well…”
While Noelle was debating whether to make up a lie or tell her the truth, someone accidentally bumped into Akarsha while reading a textbook.
“ Sorry! Sorry- Oh hey Akarsha.”
“Oh…Hey.”
It was someone familiar. A boy in their History class. Noelle didn’t know his name because she never cared enough to remember it, but she knew that he’s Caucasian and that he liked anime.
A couple of months ago, Akarsha had “perfected” her list of suspects to the WGAR (Who Gave Akarsha Roses) incident and decided to actually talk to them. She's had lengthy conversations with this boy specifically over the course of a couple of months, making an effort to chat with him in between classes and before the baseball club. Much to Noelle’s subconscious disappointment at the time.
For some reason, Akarsha never bothered to tell her friends about how their conversations went. She had always just brushed it off as something uninteresting.
But strangely for this month, she hadn’t made the effort to talk to him at all. Noelle had simply assumed that Akarsha had made herself a fool during their last conversation and didn't want to talk to him anymore because she was embarrassed.
Which is perfectly acceptable to Noelle of course.
“I saw you snuck out with your friends to dance in that Senior dance thing earlier! You looked like you guys were having fun.”
“Yeahhhh, we were…”
Noelle can’t really see Akarsha’s face but judging by her voice, she sounds somewhat upset.
“ Hello there.” Noelle interjects, maybe hoping that he will talk to her to save Akarsha from being more uncomfortable.
“Oh hey Noelle-” He manages to look over at Noelle for a moment before Akarsha side steps so that she’s blocking his view at her.
“Hey we were like, in the middle of something so…”
“Oh sorry. Umm…before I go, do you mind if I ask something?
“Yeah?”
“You know we haven’t had a chat in a while. You seem pretty fun to hang out with… Wanna schedule… a chat later?”
What? He wants to talk to her?? Akarsha was always the one to initiate first!! Does he actually like her???
Noelle steps to the side to get a good look at the boy's face and sees him smiling.
That’s impossible!! I know Akarsha way more than he does and therefore I should only know how likable she is!!!
“Uhhhh… I dunno…” her voice strained.
“Oh come on! We had so much fun that last time we hung out after school, didn’t we?”
What?? Since when?!? And why is he insisting on talking to her!! It’s so obvious that she doesn’t want to talk to you!!!
“ Well I dunno, I…I don’t feel so good- o-oh!! OHMAHGOD I- '' Akarsha bends over a little and covers her mouth. “Sorry I don’t feel so good right now. I think ima gonna puke!!”
She turns around fully and grabs a hold of Noelle’s shoulder with her free hand. “Frenchman!! Halp mee!!! I need you to hold my hair back when I upchuck in the bathroom!!!” She muffles out.
“Excuse me?? You don’t need help? Your hair is already-” Akarsha let go of her shoulder and started dragging her away by the arm.
Noelle goes along easily and looks back to see the boy shocked. “Oh, ok see you later then!” he yells out.
“PROBABLY NOT!!! SORRY MAN!!!!!!”
****
They didn’t actually run into the bathroom but instead ran towards the locker room.
“Just in case he decides to wait outside the bathroom for some stupid fucking reason.” Akarsha says exasperated as she went to open the locker room door.
Once they both reach inside, Akarsha immediately lets go of Noelle to bury her face in her hands.
“What was that about?” Noelle asks, reaching out to grab Akarsha’s shoulder to see if that could somehow comfort her. She then backtracked when Akarsha turns around and shifted her hands to hug herself.
“Sorry! I just didn’t want to talk to him then, or now or later!!” she yells out.
She doesn’t? So she has no interest in him! Do I have a chance?
“Are you sure? Isn't he one of your "secret admirer" suspects?”
“Yeahh…” she starts to grip the shoulder part of her windbreaker looking extremely uncomfortable “But I kinda hope he’s not the one.”
“What, why?”
“I dunno how to explain it to someone who’s never been in MMOs and anime spaces as a girl… I guess the gist of it is that he's…” She waves her arms around, trying to find the best word to describe him.
“Gross. Like, there's a plethora of shit about how those kinds of guys are and I don’t really wanna get into it right now. Just trust me for now, alright?” she says finger gunning while winking.
For Noelle, this is the first time seeing Akarsha like this. So completely and utterly grossed out but desperately trying to keep up a smile to seem unaffected.
It was unsettling.
… Would that be her reaction if I told her how I feel about her?
“...I thought you would have been the type of person to enter a relationship with anyone as long as they liked you somehow.”
“WHAT?!? Hah!! And you thought you had little ol' Akarsha all figured out!!” She steps closer to poke Noelle’s forehead and then goes to cross her arms.
“You know, I may not like myself that much, but I don’t exactly HATE myself?? Like, I would never put myself in a relationship I just KNOW is gonna suck. I actually have standards.”
“Oh…”
Standards? What are your standards?? Tell me so I know if I meet them and can be allowed to have feelings for you.
“Anyways!!” Akarsha lightly punches her arm, taking Noelle out of her thoughts.
“What did you say? At the dance??”
Why does she want to know so badly? Did she actually hear me the first time and wanted to make sure she heard me right??
“…You’ve got some noticeable dried nasal mucus in your nose.” She lies, just as a test to see if Akarsha would tell her she was incorrect.
“What the fuck??” She goes to wipe her nose on her sleeve. “I had boogers in my nose this whole time and only now you're telling me?? When the school day is already over???”
“Well, I tried to tell you earlier. But I decided to let you go because it was hilarious. Besides, I think it suits your image very well. Your clown like image paired with mucus is quite terrifying”
“Huh, really?!! That actually sounds useful!! You think it scared that guy away?” She grins widely.
“Hopefully.” Noelle's heart feels like it lightens a bit more knowing that Akarsha really doesn’t like someone who’s clearly into her.
“What!? Was the booger really that scary??!? And yet you're still here?? With me???” She fake gasps dramatically.
She puts her hands on her hips and smugly smiles. “You must really like me huh?”
Despite how Akarsha looked cute posing that way, Noelle's heart drops.
I shouldn't like you. I can’t like you if I’m not allowed to.
“Also ‘dried nasal mucus lol. Can’t you just say boogers like normal people for once, you weirdo.”
“That’s rich coming from an ACTUAL weirdo who just said L.O.L outside of a chat room.”
“Hey now! I need more vocabulary funsies besides balls, frenchman.” She sticks her tongue out before placing an elbow on her shoulder.
“Why are you so…” Cute.
“Cute?”
“I-I never said that!” Did I? Oh no .
“Yeah, yeah. You’re right you didn’t. But you were gonna say sexy huh?” She wiggles her eyebrows while raising her free arm to use her hand to make an L under her chin.
Noelle rolls her eyes, hoping to appear unaffected. She then batts Akarsha off her and walks away to open the locker door.
“AHAH! YOU DIDN’T DENY IT!! I TOTALLY AM!!!! HAHA YOU LIKE MEE!!!!!” Akarsha catches up quickly and flung her arm around Noelle while they walked out.
I don’t want to like you!! Why are you being so physically intimate today? Was this because I was receptive to your hand holding at the earlier dance?? And she thinks it's ok to be like this?? With ME??
She looks over to see Akarsha still talking but Noelle couldn’t not process whatever she was saying, too caught up in her own thoughts.
Why did I dance with her a second time too?? This is so annoying. How did I even come to the conclusion of having “feelings” for her? My heart can’t take this!! I need to push her off of me!!
But Noelle doesn’t. She can’t bring herself to.
Think. Think!! There has to be another reason as to why I’m like this. So I won’t be torn on whether or not I should confess…
While Noelle is wracking her brain to find a reason, she doesn’t realize the shaky smile that is caused by the closeness of the dork next to her.
“Hey, what's so funny?”
“What?”
“You look like you're holding in a laugh judging by that smile heh..”
Noelle quickly turns away to cover her mouth to feel and surprisingly Akarasha was right. She is smiling.
“I was just debating whether or not to tell you that your dried nasal mucus is still in there.” She said the same lie again to then muster up a fake smug smile when turning to face her.
“ACK THE BETRAYAL!!!” Akarsha pulls away, much to Noelles dismay, and uses her sleeve to wipe her nose again. She looks to her sleeve to see nothing still and then blows in it.
She stares at her somewhat snotty sleeve before looking up at Noelle and giving her an evil smile.
Akarsha quickly runs up to Noelle to wipe her dirty sleeve on her and makes a break for it. “HAH TAG YOUR IT!!!!
“AKARSHA YOU DISGUSTING CRETIN GET BACK HERE!!!!”
Noellle takes off after her. “THAT'S NOT EVEN HOW THE GAME TAG WORKS!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU 7?!?!!!”
As she finally catches up to her when Akarsha tries to make a sharp turn, Noelle takes the chance to strike. She manages to grab a hold of Akarsha’s left arm and pulls her back, making them sort of knock into each other.
Noelle’s heart stutters intensely at being so close at seeing how pretty the face in front of hers is.
How could she be insecure about her looks, she's so-
“6 actually, but thank you for thinking that I was way more mature for my age though~” She says mockingly following up with a smirk afterwards.
“You’re actually incorrigible.” Noelle immediately uses her free hand to grab Akarsha’s face to avoid getting lost in her looks again.
I refuse to like someone who’s so incredibly childish!!
“ARGHHFF!!?!? WHAF DAH FUCF ARR YOU DOINGGHH!??!”
“TRYING TO RIP THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!!!!!!!”
Akarsha manages to easily free herself from Noelle’s hands and keeps hold of them to prevent her from doing anything else. “Uhh More like my whole face??!!!” She laughs out.
She looks so pretty when she laughs.
While Akarsha chokes on her own laughter, Noelle’s eyes widen at a possible realization that's going through her mind.
That’s it!! I could just find her somewhat attractive!! And if I’m just attracted to her, then I don’t have to worry about whether or not I should have feelings for her!
But wait, if I find her attractive then…
During these past few weeks, she was completely focusing on her “feelings” for Akarsha and didn’t stop to think how she could even have feelings for a girl at all.
…Does that mean I like girls? Do I like girls??