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It was the tail end of 9:32 Dragon, the archdemon of the Fifth Blight had been long defeated. The Hero of Ferelden, one Warden-Commander Brosca, and her love, the nightingale, Leliana, sleep side by side in bed in an inn they're hiring for the night. They're not sure where they are, somewhere by Lake Calenhad, but they don't care too much to know. Travelling Thedas with no map to guide them but a thirst for adventure, anywhere is home as long as they're together.
Leliana has been asleep for hours now, while Brosca stays awake, staring up at the wooden planks of the ceiling, hands clasped. She isn't religious. She doesn't pray to the Maker, she doesn't seek blessing from the Stone, and she doesn't call upon the strengths of the Paragons (she feels it would be even weirder now that she is one). But some nights, some desperate nights, she mumbles a few words of the Chant of Light, the few she recalls from hearing Leliana's own prayers. It's an odd sort of comfort. She doesn't believe what Leliana believes, but she admires her devotion, wishing she had the same faith and trust in something so unobtainable.
There are nights when she prays for Leliana's safety and happiness, or nights when she tries to wish away her regrets from the Blight. But tonight she prays selfishly. She prays for the Maker's mercy, or for the Paragons to reach out their hands and save her. She prays she won't be taken by the Calling.
She hasn't spoken to Leliana about this. Not about her fears, not about the Calling whatsoever. She knows Leliana isn't as naive as she appears. Leliana has a mind of steel and a incomparable wit. She figures Leliana's already found out about the Calling through other means, but knows Brosca doesn't wish to speak about it, so she doesn't ask. Brosca appreciates this. Appreciates Leliana's care and trust in her, appreciates how deeply and truly she respects her and her boundaries. But a part of her wishes Leliana would raise the question herself, would bring up the topic for her, so she didn't have to admit her fears. Admit her weakness.
She looks over at her love, sleeping peacefully beside her. She traces her silhouette with her eyes, studying and admiring her beauty. She wonders how she ever got so lucky as to have Leliana as her own. She wonders if she's even deserving of her. She reaches out to touch her, accidentally rustling the sheets as she does, but stops herself before she comes near.
"You're still awake?" Leliana's soft voice pulls her from her reverie.
"Unfortunately. Killer's snoring is terribly loud."
"Killer is a silent sleeper." Leliana raises an eyebrow, tone sarcastic. She sits up on her elbows, "Having trouble sleeping?"
"Like most nights."
"I've noticed, but I've neglected to ask, I apologise."
Brosca cuts her off before she can say anything more, "You have nothing to apologise for. I've been avoiding talking about it, I should apologise to you."
"Nonsense. You can tell me anything, you should know this." Leliana shuffles closer, placing a hand on her shoulder. Both lay on their sides so they can face each other.
"I know." Brosca considers her for a moment, then opens the floodgates, "I've been thinking about the Calling. How all wardens are eventually summoned to the Deep Roads to die... I know it's selfish, and I've been very selfish in the past few years, but I really don't want to die. I want to keep exploring with you and completing my map of Thedas and meeting people. I... I didn't want to be a warden to begin with, but I never would've accepted if I'd known this is how it ends. I was cocky when I joined, I thought I was invincible, and I now I just... I don't know."
Leliana moved her hand from Brosca's shoulder to her neck, then to her face, cradling her cheek, "It's not selfish to want to live your life." Brosca puts her hand over Leliana's, holding it in place. She holds in her tears and bites her lower lip, searching for something in Leliana's face, not sure of what exactly it is. Leliana continues, "There must be a way to avoid it. I will not lose you after we've fought so hard to be together."
Brosca reaches out to wipe away the tears now falling from her love's face, "I love you."
"I love you too."
After a pause, Leliana releases her old on Brosca, "Do you want to try to sleep now?"
Without a word, Brosca rolls towards Leliana and is pulled in to her embrace, tucking her nose under her chin. She smells of Andraste's Grace and sweet bread, and Brosca's breath is warm on her collar. They both fall asleep faster than either has in weeks.
-
The topic of the Calling is never brought up in detail again, saved only for brief mentions in drunken stupors. They deliberately choose to keep it out of their minds, choosing to focus on the overwhelming joy and bliss of their nomadic lives while they can still maintain them. And even as they slowly forced apart by circumstance and their lives harden both their spirits, their thoughts of each other remain only happy ones. Though their jobs as Commander of the Grey and Left Hand of Divine Justinia see them in the farthest corners of Thedas, always so far from one another, they know they will always be able to find each other once again.
That is, until one cold night in 9:40 Dragon. They sit in a tense silence as they eat their dinners in a quaint cottage near Denerim. Leliana can tell Brosca has something she wishes to say, but doesn't ask. If Brosca wants to speak, she will.
Once they've both finished eating, she does, "I've found a lead. I'm going to pursue it and I don't think you should follow me."
"You... What?" Leliana doesn't know why she's surprised.
"I think I have a lead on the Calling, but it'll be a long journey and I know you've got a lot to be doing."
"I do."
"So we're going to part ways. Not like... Well I don't want to stop being with you, and I still definitely love you like a crazy lot, but it just wouldn't really be convenient for-"
"Yes, I know, I understand." Leliana reaches across the table to hold Brosca's hand, "When do you have to go?"
"Well, I don't really have a certain timeframe but I was thinking I'd leave as soon as possible, y'know? The Calling isn't going to wait for me."
Leliana chuckles, then her face melts back to sorrow, "But you'll stay in touch?"
"Of course, of course! Letters every day, naturally. Long, grossly sappy ones." Brosca reaches out to twirl her finger in Leliana's sleeve, "Maybe you can pull out some old stories to send back to me?"
"I'll see what I can do." Her smile returns and both laugh, "But let's enjoy one final night together before you go, okay?"
"More than okay."
Though they grin and howl with laughter, both know they won't be able to keep these promises.
-
Though Brosca's letters are consistent at first, they start to arrive with longer and longer waits in between, and less and less words, more and more hastily written. Leliana's letters back are minimal to begin with. Her occupation is consuming, and the Maker's work is tireless and unforgiving. Her title finds her all across Thedas, from the Free Marches to Orlais, from Ferelden to the Anderfels. And even if she did find the time to write, it becomes impossible to locate Brosca. After just a year and a half, communication between the two halts altogether. Leliana prays for Brosca's safe return, pleads for any sign to tell her she's still out there fighting for her. Brosca does the same, finding herself to be more spiritual than she ever thought possible. The Maker responds with silence.
9:42 Dragon, Leliana finds herself seated at a rookery table in Skyhold, the base of operations for the Inquisition. She's taken up the role as the organisation's Spymaster, at the bidding of Divine Justinia. She stares at her gloved palms, then up at Inquisitor Adaar as she approaches. While she's slower to trust these days, the Inquisitor has done good in her position and handled the sudden appointment well. Leliana can't help but admire her, but her mind is still plagued with doubt. "Inquisitor, I'm-" She starts, "I have been thinking. You remember everything now, yes? The explosion at Haven, the Fade, escaping the Breach." She is slow and thoughtful with her words, adopting a softness in her voice she didn't know she still had, "In your report, you said Justinia was with you, but only you emerged in the end... Why?" Her voice is only barely above a whisper, but there's a venom to the final syllable. "Why were you the only survivor?"
"She knew it was either her or me," Adaar replies, eyebrows turned upwards in a sympathetic expression, "And she wanted me to live."
"Of course. Of course she did." She refuses to cry in front of the Inquisitor, "That's just like her."
Leliana speaks of Justinia. Tells Adaar how she failed her, failed her only job of protecting her. Though she doesn't admit to her shaking faith in the Maker. If the Maker is love and mercy, why would he allow her warden to be taken from her? If the Maker protects his children, why would he allow Justinia to die to Corypheus? She keeps these thoughts locked away, deep down inside, where only one could ever reach. One who is nowhere to be found, in a shadow obscuring the Maker's light.
Working under Justinia for so long, seen as a Left Hand before anything else, Leliana begins to realise what she's becoming. She's no longer the happy bard who sung songs to her friends by campfire light and spun stories of heroes and gods and true love in the quiet of the night, she's a hardened spymaster, fluent in the language of lies and trading secrets for lives. What has she become? What have the years made of her? Would Brosca still see the same Leliana when she came home?
It takes a message etched into a golden box and the Inquisitor stopping her from killing a traitorous Sister for her to find herself again. "The Left Hand should lay down her burden." it says. Leliana reads it over and over. She's being released. After all these years, she's finally free from Justinia. Free from the responsibility. Free from the beast she's been carrying on her shoulders. She's also thankful for Adaar. Thankful she prevented a senseless killing, one she cursed herself for not realising was senseless until Justinia's words brought her back to ground. She is more than Justinia.
This is when Leliana begins to long for Brosca once again. The only one who knew her soul and saw her for who she truly was. She had only gratitude for Adaar once again when she managed to find a contact to communicate with her. After many weeks of nothing, two letters came to Skyhold. One for the Inquisitor and her advisors, offering apologies for not being able to do more against Corypheus, and small tokens of appreciations, as well as a short message begging the Inquisitor to help Leliana find her faith again. Leliana has become talented at hiding her tears, but she comes close to slipping when she reads that passage. I beg you, if she is faltering, help her find her way back into the light.
The other letter is addressed only to her. She cleverly thinks to read it in her own quarters, where she can, only once, allow herself to cry.
My dear Leliana,
I have tried for months to contact you, but I have always been too consumed by my research or too far from civilisation, so I am immensely grateful the Inquisition was able to find me and give me this chance. I'm convinced I've walked every inch of Thedas by now, and in every one, I hear only good things of the Inquisition, which I interpret as praises of you, as I know it would not run nearly as smoothly without you. You remain to be the most intelligent and thoughtful soul I know, and I am certain you are a vital asset in stopping Corypheus.
However, I know this is not what you need to hear. You should know by now that I am singing your praises every time I open my mouth. These past years have been rough on us both, and I know how deeply you have been hurt. Not only by the loss of Divine Justinia, but by my loss as well. I know you love me just as I love you, so I am not afraid to admit I am missing you just as dearly as you are missing me, if not more. I wish I could be there beside you, but I know that if I'm successful in my search, then we can be together for the rest of time, so I am holding on to hope. I need you to know that I am fighting for you. My victory will be one for all wardens to celebrate, but I have only you and I in mind.
I don't want to instil either of us with false hope, so I will not say that I will see you soon. But I will see you. Even if it takes me to the end of my life, I will see you again.
Yours always,
Natia
Leliana reads the words over and over again, tracing her finger over her handwriting, letting it revitalise her. Brosca is still out there. She is still going strong, and she is still longing for Leliana, just as Leliana longs for her.
-
All the way across the continent, Brosca pokes at a dying campfire, somewhere down in the Deep Roads. It's an eerie feeling she feels, groaning in her stomach. This is where Wardens go to die. She's been here before, when she, Leliana, Oghren, and Killer pursued the Paragon Branka. She misses Killer now, his disgusting drool staining every carpet, his nasty slobber on her face. But more overwhelmingly does she miss Leliana. She feels a little bad that she misses her, very much alive and well, more than her dead companion. She stares into the fading embers, wondering if perhaps Leliana's melodies could've fanned the flames hot enough to brighten the entire cave. If anything, she could've warmed Brosca with her arm around her waist and lips on her cheek. But instead Brosca sits on the cold stone, nowhere near home.
It's been at least three months since her letter to the Inquisition and to Leliana. She received no reply, and she delivered nothing more, but she is certain her message was received, and she's certain Leliana is thriving.
And though she doesn't quite know it yet, Brosca is too, as it is only a month later that she is finally able to see her love again.
It's a week before Leliana's coronation as the next Divine. Brosca is eagerly racing through the streets of Val Royeaux, en route to the Grand Cathedral. Josephine and Adaar will be waiting for her, as well as some old friends, Oghren, Zevran, even King Alistair, all of whom know she's coming. The only one who hasn't been told of her impending arrival, the one she's most excited to see, is Leliana herself.
"Warden-Commander! It's an honour to finally meet you in person." Adaar smiles down at her. Brosca finds their height difference hilarious, "And great to see you too!"
Adaar laughs, then gestures down a long corridor, "You might want to go say hi. She should be in the last room."
She smiles wide at Adaar, then bows to her deeply before speeding down the corridor. She pauses just outside the door, taking a moment to tidy her hair, fix her collar, and pull a sprig of Andraste's Grace from her satchel. She takes a deep breath then knocks on the door, "Divine Justinia? A dignified guest would like to speak with you."
"One moment!" Her dulcet voice calls out from inside. Brosca feels as though she can't physically contain her pure excitement and joy, like she might burst if she is to wait another second. Seconds later, the door swings open and Leliana's eyes fall on Brosca. She stares at her, motionless, for a dreadfully long few seconds, before falling to her knees and pulling Brosca into her. "You're here!" She cries, holding her neck and shoulder like she might be stolen away, like she was something precious to be treasured. Brosca wrapped her own arms around Leliana's waist, kissing her cheeks, her chin, the sides of her mouth, then her lips. They meet, soft and sweet, but also desperate and eager.
Leliana moves her hold to Brosca's face as she pulls back, "You're really here? So you've succeeded then? You've cured it?"
Brosca nods enthusiastically, drunk on the feeling of bliss, then pulls Leliana back in, kissing her thoroughly. Eventually, she forces the two of them to come apart, but only to say, "Maybe this isn't the best display for the soon-to-be Divine to be having on the floor of a cathedral?"
"Oh be quiet, you." Leliana growls playfully, standing up and pulling Brosca into the room and shutting the door behind them. "So where's this dignified guest I'm supposed to be meeting, hmm?" She chuckles, taking a seat. Brosca chortles, "Surely I'm dignified enough for you?"
The two continue to laugh for a few minutes more, before Brosca builds up the courage to say, "I know being the Divine you're not really supposed to have... Romantic relations and such, but-" Leliana puts a finger to her lip to silence her, shaking her head. Brosca raises an eyebrow, but Leliana explains, "I am the Divine, which means I can do whatever I want. There's a lot of changes that must be made to the Chantry, I have many plans you see, one of which is to allow all members of the Chantry to have relationships. The Maker says we must share our blessings, no? Andraste had a mortal spouse, so why can't I?"
Brosca stares at her, jaw dropped to the ground, then erupts with laughter, "That is an incredible use of power."
"What can I say? I'm told I'm the most intelligent and thoughtful soul there is."
"That's what I've heard."