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Katsuki Bakugou views himself as both a product of god and a complete piece of shit.
It’s led to a couple ups and downs throughout his life; namely, everything he did to Izuku, his self perceived position in All Mights demise and of course, his death.
Kinda.
Everything he did to Izuku is objective. It happened, he knows -trust him, he fucking knows- and he knows he’s lucky for being able to move past that at all. He looks back at himself, age 2 maybe, being introduced for Izuku for the first time.
Most of the memory comes from his parents cooing and teasing him for his yet-to-be-outgrown stubbornness but he can piece it together well enough. They waddle over to each other and Katsuki looks at him before grasping to the top of his head and shaking him as hard as a baby could. He grumbles something along the lines of ‘Mine’, apparently. (He chalks it up to the old hag thinking she’s so clever and funny.)
He then looks back to when they were four, Izuku trailing behind him like some sort of fly. Staring on right ahead at the same images of his (their?) hero. Katsuki would act as if he was better. Better fan, better at getting the trading card he wanted (even though they got the same. He wants to deny so very hard that he didn’t just keep his card because it was his, one, happy moment with Izuku), better person. As if he wasn’t… jealous every time he saw Izuku hold up his dumb little fists against the stupid older kids making fun of people on the playground.
Izuku wasn’t strong. Why did he always act like he was?
Katsuki asked himself this all the goddamn time. During those embarrassing savior attempts taking place at recesses, and after he gets his quirk a few weeks later, and as Izuku doesn’t get his own, and as he stares at the almost looming figure looking down to him with eyes of concern and pity. Like he was any better than Katsuki. Like Katsuki needed the help of a useless Deku.
It’s not like it stopped after he slapped his hands away, though.
The thought reoccurs every so often and Katsuki reminds himself manually to not explode another desk out of anger because his mom said she would take away computer access the last time. Instead he lets it stay in his brain, marinate for a second or two before lying to himself about how much worse stupid, useless Deku is than him.
His thought process is disrupted the moment he gets into UA. He can’t even pretend that Deku is terrible anymore because now the whole world would know he’s a big, fat, fucking liar. It’s so … irritating. Not only is Deku strong, All Might, THE ALL MIGHT, chose him. Fuckin bastard.
Who actually wasn’t a bastard at all, who wasn’t looking down on him or praying for his demise or trying to get back at him or using him. Who was just walking behind him, unable to catch up until now.
(This is where the self-proclaimed ‘complete piece of shit’ part comes in.)
Of course Katsuki felt remorse.
Especially after that heart to heart deep in the night, months ago, and the several hours of the next 2 days they spent together. But he knows he’s changing, he can have internal development without turning into a soft piece of shit, ya know. Besides, Deku has already got that covered.
His position in All Mights demise is bit more complicated in the way that everyone else tells him that’s nowhere near the truth, but even as All Might assures him, and Deku explains his quirk, Katsuki feels a bunch of tiny pinpricks inside him that each tell him it’s him.
All might wouldn’t have needed to use that last spark of One For All in that moment. He would have it, even if just for a month longer. If he hadn’t been caught, if he could escape earlier….
Katsuki can remember every moment of that night in vivid detail, showcased to himself through his mind during the times he couldn’t sleep, or when he could but he just couldn’t get the last hurrah out of his thoughts. All Might had looked cool as hell.
And the icing on the fucking cake, of course Katsuki’s death is just as flashy as everything else great in the world. (Not that he’s comparing himself to All Might, that’s another level of self-entitlement but… you get it.)
Izuku got separated from him at the beginning of the battle.
A part of Katsuki was grateful he hadn’t seen him get destroyed in the way he did, and that he wasn’t around to hear that asshole Shigaraki put the blame on Izuku’s inaction. Stupid fuck was only acting that confident because All for Balls told him to be, anyways.
Izuku is at fault for nothing.
Katsuki really recalls each and every one of his memories with Izuku as he sped through the air to aim his last shots at Shigaraki. He feels like a piece of shit one more time, and then again at the realization that Izuku will see him like this when he gets back.
That finger-thing ball-face jabbed through his heart left him on the ground, and as painful as it was, he doesn’t remember it. All he knows is that his All Might trading card, the one he got with Izuku, is in his hands, and he’s chuckling, amused, shy even, towards the flowing spirit, near mirror image of All Might’s small form, which greets his unconscious in his last moments.
“I really wanted you to sign this one day,”