Work Text:
“Hey, want a picture there?”
The sculpture was round and white. The bear wearing an almost comically happy expression. Taehyung took a step in its direction, the screen by it reading “Let’s take a photo with the Coca-Cola Polar Bear!”
After a short minute of following instructions on screen, it shined red with a new message:
Welcome to Hokkaido
TAEHYUNG
2022-01-16
He moved in front of the smiling bear, threw up a victory sign, then returned to Yoongi’s side. He’d airdropped the photo to Taehyung’s phone without another word. Something he’d taken to doing since Wednesday. Taehyung felt a dull throb in the pits of his stomach, imagining Yoongi deleting any photos of Taehyung as soon as he could.
On his phone, the bear seemed impossibly happier, and he himself looked as gloomy as he felt. Looked like he’d been crying in secret whenever he’d had a moment away from Yoongi. He could tell Yoongi had been doing the same though. His thick scarf had hidden away part of his face, but certainly not the swelling around his eyes.
“Thanks.”
A shrug of the shoulders, then Yoongi was in motion again. Taehyung fell into step. Their next stop was the Ramen Dojo. When they’d still been planning the trip, they’d decided every small detail together. Argued over which ramen to have as their last meal, before settling on the popular shrimp-based stock at Ebisoba Ichigen.
Now, Taehyung couldn’t have cared less. Certainly couldn’t dream of finishing a full bowl of ramen.
The last three days had been excruciatingly miserable, but they were nearly at the end now. Already arrived at their final destination, New Chitose Airport and its impressive shopping centre — they’d agreed to leave the souvenir shopping for friends for this last pitstop.
Taehyung had just pictured their last day of the romantic getaway differently. Yoongi would have gone on and on about the terminal’s architecture. Would have picked things right back up from explaining the geometric façade as he had when they’d landed two weeks ago. Instead, Yoongi had hardly spoken a word.
Of course, when they’d been planning their trip to Hokkaido, Taehyung hadn’t planned on them breaking up either.
❄️~❄️~❄️
Yoongi loved Seoul and Seoul loved him back just as fully.
Taehyung could tell from the littlest things. The tension in Yoongi’s shoulders when they’d board the train to Daegu for Chuseok, and the spark in his eye when they’d board the train back to Seoul.
The way Yoongi insisted that every one of his favourite spots desperately needed his patronage. His favourite place to have gamjatang, or his favourite for kkotgetang, or his favourite antique store, or the one furniture place with the best light fixtures, or the music shop with the most challenging piano arrangements, any and every store under the sun that he loved so abundantly and that only existed in Seoul.
Or his addiction to work. The way he could lament to Taehyung late at night that he was bone-tired, but was already back to work before Taehyung could wake up the next day. Taehyung was different, when bone-tired, couldn’t find the drive to work well and efficiently for at least five more business days. He wondered if that difference was because he didn’t share that same energizing and electrifying love with the city.
Taehyung loved Yoongi.
Loved him.
And he’d exhausted any love he’d had for Seoul, with nothing to show in return.
With the passage of time, he felt his connection to both his family and nature eroding away, Felt like he was floating further and further away from the child he’d been; adventurous, curious, outspoken, happy.
Had Yoongi not so clearly and exuberantly loved their life in Seoul, it might have been easier for Taehyung to bring up. Ask whether he’d consider moving away. If Geochang was too much, maybe just to Daegu, just to be closer. Because they’d been together for five years, shared an apartment for three, and surely their lives were intertwined enough for Yoongi to consider it.
Yet, over and over, Taehyung had lost his nerve. Thought of every offhand comment Yoongi had made whenever they’d visited Daegu, all with the sole purpose of expressing how much better Seoul was and how much he preferred it. Meanwhile, it had gotten to the point where Taehyung had already spoken of his plans to his family, had already given his letter of resignation at work. Still, he hadn’t managed to tell Yoongi.
With the approaching trip, he’d decided it would wait until their return. Afterwards, he would have no choice but to tell Yoongi.
The trip had been perfect. Any comprises made during the planning phase hadn’t felt like compromises at all once abroad. Watching Yoongi sample Sapporo beer was fun. Following Yoongi around in cities and villages as he took in various architectural styles was just as fun. And Yoongi had still looked happy when Taehyung had had them out in the cold for hours, trying to photograph the diamond dust in the air. Had been just as enthusiastic as Taehyung when roaming around winter festivals and judging the various ice sculptures.
It had still fallen apart midway through the second week.
Their cheeks red from the cold as they’d stood before the Shirogane Blue Pond. The water had been even bluer than the seemingly unrealistic photos Taehyung had seen online. Under the thin layer of ice, and amidst the snowy landscape, the blue had glowed almost unnaturally.
“I think if my soul were a colour, it would be this exact colour,” Yoongi had said, sounding both amazed and transfixed.
The assessment sounded fair to Taehyung. Such a pure blue, ethereal in appearance. A shade as rare as the kind of person Yoongi had always been.
Taehyung’s eyes had moved up to the sky, not any kind of shade of blue that day. An oppressive dark mass, grey and heavy with impending snowfalls. If Taehyung’s soul had a colour it might have been that one. And maybe it had once been a different, better colour, but the city had drawn all the pigmentation out from it over the years.
The contrast stung. Yoongi’s radiant, vibrant soul. And then his, battered beyond recognition.
“I quit my job.”
He’d blurted it out without fanfare, cat shooting straight out of the bag. He’d leaned his weight forward against the wooden fence separating them from the pond.
Though he hadn’t looked Yoongi’s way, he’d still sensed how he had turned to him, his full attention on Taehyung.
“What, why? Did something happen?”
Taehyung had clasped his hands together, pressed more of his weight onto his elbows, the birch of the fence grounding him as he had forced himself to say more.
“I want to move back to Geochang.”
“Like, in the immediate future?” Yoongi had asked, unreadable.
“Like… Eomma has been going there once a month to keep an eye on Halmeoni’s estate, right? And I told her that, maybe I could stay there permanently, so she won’t have to anymore.”
“Well, is it really a ‘maybe’?”
That had been his last chance. He should have asked.
But his eyes had been on the blue of the pond. Imagining that effervescent blue pale over time, until it was nothing but a grey mass; it had been too much of a risk.
He’d stayed silent, until Yoongi had asked instead, “Are we breaking up then?”
He’d finally torn his eyes away from the water. Yoongi had looked impossibly sad. His cheeks still pink, but his eyes dark. Like the moment just before a storm would strike.
Taehyung could have asked. But, apparently, Yoongi hadn’t even imagined the question as a possibility. Taehyung’s declaration like a formal termination letter for their relationship. Because Yoongi loved the city and the city loved him just as much, and Taehyung had never actually fit all that squarely into the equation.
So, instead of asking, he’d answered.
“Yeah, that would probably be for the best.”
❄️~❄️~❄️
Outside, fat snowflakes twirled down. The runway only visible for a few metres before vanishing behind a curtain of heavy snow. Taehyung hadn’t seen any plane take off or land in a while. Their flight, specifically, had already been delayed two hours.
The weather was postponing the inevitable in the most agonizing of ways. From the outset, he hadn’t been eager for their flight, three and a half hours wordlessly side by side. Once landed, they’d have to wait at the luggage carousel for the suitcase they’d packed together, their things intermingled, like the couple they no longer would be.
Both their phones buzzed, just as an announcement begun. That had already happened a few times. Taehyung didn’t need to check the notification to confirm that the flight had been pushed even later due to the snowstorm. Still, he sunk lower in his seat when Yoongi let out an aggravated sigh. Yoongi had stood up a while ago, backpack tightly strapped into place, looking more than ready to board the plane.
Attentive no matter the circumstances, Yoongi’s face softened when he registered that Taehyung had caught his expression.
“Look, can you cut it out?” The words would have been harsh, had it not been for Yoongi’s gentle tone. “You don’t have to look so guilty. There’s no reason for you to feel that way at all.”
The dull throb in his stomach was back, just a little icier.
“No? How about our five-year relationship?” He’d lowered his voice in hopes that it wouldn’t sound resentful.
From the puzzled expression on Yoongi’s face, he hadn’t quite pulled it off.
“That’s just life though, isn’t it?” Yoongi offered as he shouldered off his backpack, slipping back into the seat next to Taehyung. “Even when two people love each other, sometimes it’s just meant to be a chapter in your life.”
Digging his teeth into his tongue, Taehyung considered those words. Perhaps he had been wrong about the swelling around Yoongi’s eyes, or even that sad darkness he’d thought he'd seen in them on Wednesday. Maybe it was only Taehyung torn up about the outcome.
“But, I just… I thought that…”
Eventually realizing that he couldn’t find the words, he let the unfinished sentence hang in the air.
“It was unexpected, but you didn’t blindside me.”
Taehyung grimaced. That response had nothing to do with the words he’d been trying to get out. He’d wanted to explain that he’d never considered Yoongi a chapter. He wanted the next to be with Yoongi, and then the next, until the very end of the story. But the desire to get those words out had all but burnt out in the face of Yoongi’s candour.
“I didn’t?”
Yoongi crossed his arms, looking resigned as he explained himself.
“I know how much your family means to you. And I know how painful it’s been losing family members when you’ve been far away from home. So, yeah.”
While sounding rehearsed, the words were still true. Perhaps just not Taehyung’s full truth. They didn’t quite capture how Taehyung felt he’d lost a piece of himself in the city. He wondered if the piece he’d lost was the one that would have been attractive enough for Yoongi to feel more strongly about their breakup.
“Yeah,” he repeated, dully.
The snow didn’t let up after that. Skies growing darker as the flurry of snow gained magnitude. As night fell, Taehyung mourned the domestic terminal, where they could have killed time in countless ways — the terminal even including the airport onsen. Instead they sat in miserable silence, Taehyung too exhausted to even pretend to busy himself with his phone.
Then, out of nowhere, Yoongi’s voice, sharp and decided.
“When did you know though?”
“That I wanted to move back?” Taehyung asked back curiously, already reflecting on that. He wasn’t sure he’d have a satisfactory answer. It had been a seedling of desire, roots growing deep into Taehyung’s being and in between his ribcage whenever he’d allowed himself to think of his childhood, or even of the future.
“No.” Yoongi sounded particularly unamused. “That you were going to break up with me?”
“Oh…”
This time, Taehyung’s mind drew a blank. A knot formed in his throat. Surely, he’d have to tell a lie.
“‘Cause I mean why’d you buy me that music box if you knew?” The words didn’t sound bitter, but Yoongi’s expression was soured enough that Taehyung wondered if he was holding himself back.
He’d bought the gift at the Otaru Music Box Museum, on a whim. The Gan Sasho Pure music box in the shape of a brown grand piano. Something so intrinsically Yoongi that he’d bought it right away, with no care for luggage space.
“Don’t you like it?” he asked, unsure.
“You know the song it plays is ‘If You Love Me’?”
Yoongi's voice was just a little more cutting than before.
“No, I didn’t know,” Taehyung hurried out, truthful.
“And I know you like Edith Piaf enough to know that’s not the kind of song you think of when you think of the person you’re about to break up with.” This time, the words were as accusatory as Yoongi’s expression.
Urgently, Taehyung grew defensive. The thought of finally asking still lingered. Of course it did, it had for the past few nights, when he’d fought to find sleep, and all he could do was fantasize about a scenario where, once back home, he finally mustered the nerve and asked Yoongi to come with him. And then Yoongi would accept, without as much as a question.
Alas, the present moment wasn’t a fantasy. He wasn’t even in the safety of their home. In the middle of the busy terminal, snowed in, all he found to say was, “I thought you said you weren’t blindsided.”
Yoongi’s exhale through his nose was loud. A frustrated sound, though he quickly schooled his features.
“I’m not. Forget I asked.”
The response just dismissive enough for Taehyung to feel irritated.
“Why? Did you want to give it back to me? You going to get rid of everything that has to do with me now that my ‘chapter’ is over?” Taehyung bit his tongue again, harsher than before, but in the end it was no use. Angrily, he added, “Just like you’ve been deleting the photos of me off your phone?”
“What?” Yoongi’s face looked extremely pinched now. A perfect fusion of confusion and annoyance. “Do I have to remind you that you’re the one who broke us up?”
He had a passing thought for how this was the first time they’d spoken about it with quite this much emotion. Or at least this much anger. The rest of his mind was entirely focused on the task of keeping the truth out of Yoongi’s sight. That Taehyung had never actually thought of breaking up with Yoongi, had only been trying to work out a way to ask him to move with him, without depriving Yoongi of the city he loved so. As it turned out, an impossible task.
“No, thanks. You don’t have to remind me,” he’d said it coldly, but only because his face felt so warm. His throat so tight.
He pressed his inner wrist to the eye closest to Yoongi with enough force that he hoped his body would understand that crying was out of the question.
“Tae, come on… I wouldn’t do that.” Yoongi’s voice, back to the soft detachment he’d adopted for the last few days. “My lockscreen is still a photo of you, I haven’t deleted shit.”
A photo of Taehyung at dusk in Banpo Hangang Park. His eyes burned more thinking of Yoongi’s genuine love for the river. Whether Taehyung lied or not, Yoongi’s love wouldn’t change.
“I didn’t know we were going to break up until you said so,” he confessed, their phones buzzing in unison with the last word.
A glance down at his phone, and he huffed out a short humourless laugh at the horrible timing.
Your flight has commenced boarding at Gate 22…
Taehyung stood, pulling their passports out from his bag’s front pocket. Yoongi more so sprang up, looking quite dumbfounded.
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t know when I got you that music box,” Taehyung clarified, handing Yoongi’s passport over as they moved towards the back of the quickly forming line.
“But you quit your job,” Yoongi insisted, expression back to puzzled. And then, quite suddenly, it lit up. Yoongi’s eyes wider and brighter. “Were you thinking of us dating long distance?”
Taehyung understood Yoongi’s sudden look of hope, because it took hold of him then, too. Only fleetingly. He hadn’t given long distance a thought before, but he saw quickly how it wouldn’t work. Yoongi, who adored his life in the city, would be best suited for someone who was part of his life in the city. Simple.
“No, not really,” he admitted guiltily, watching Yoongi’s expression flatten out.
“Then you were thinking of staying…?” Yoongi’s tone was back to confused, as easily as that.
Taehyung stepped forward in time with the line’s flow, airline staff already just up ahead.
“Hyung, I just thought…” The words were stuck in his throat, just as they had been countless times before. Setting his eyes on the front of the line, Taehyung clenched his jaw painfully. Entering the aircraft felt like a looming deadline. If he couldn’t get it out before then… He took a deep, steadying breath. Then, in a very light and unsteady voice, said, “I thought I was going to ask you if you would move with me. But then I didn’t.”
Yoongi’s eyes were wider than before. Taehyung looked away.
“Why didn’t you?” Yoongi asked, whispered and urgent.
“Because,” Taehyung dragged out the syllable, hesitant to give Yoongi the reminder. “Because you love Seoul. So, that’s all. I didn’t figure out how to ask you. So we broke up.”
“What the hell,” Yoongi blurted out, almost as if the words had only been meant for himself. He fell out of step, but quickly caught up with Taehyung’s strides as passenger after passenger passed the identification checkpoint. “What are you talking about? I obviously love you more than I love Seoul.”
“It’s more complicated than that,” Taehyung said with a sigh. He would have left it at that, but with how quickly they were reaching the front of the line, he bit the bullet. “I love you way more than Geochang. And yet, staying in Seoul has just… I don’t even feel like I'm completely myself anymore. And who wants to be loved by someone who isn’t even completely themselves anymore? So, yeah. I don’t want that to happen to you, too, which it will if you leave Seoul.”
“No, I don’t think you understand,” Yoongi’s words were rough and hurried, as if he’d understood the timeline Taehyung had silently set for them. “I don’t have this special connection to Seoul like it’s sounding you think I do.”
“Hyung,” Taehyung let out plaintively. “Please, we’ve been together a long time. Whenever we go to Daegu, I can tell you want nothing more than to go back home.”
Taehyung was more than surprised when Yoongi wrapped his hand around his wrist and pulled him out of the line, letting those behind them take their spot.
“Our flight,” Taehyung protested weakly, head turning to watch the staff.
“Hasn’t departed yet. It doesn’t matter if we’re last to board. And if we miss it, we’ll stay an extra night. It’s fine.”
“What about work?”
“You’ve quit, and obviously so will I.”
Yoongi sounded serious, voice unwavering, and eyes steadily staring into Taehyung’s.
“No, come on, I meant it, when we’re in Daegu —”
“When we’re in Daegu, I can’t wait to go back home where it’s just the two of us, and I don’t have to put up with my family. Ok?” Yoongi’s eyes were searching. Perhaps they’d failed to find what he was looking for, because he continued in a rush, “Have I looked like I wanted to go back home at any point during this trip?”
“That’s different —”
“Because it’s just us together, doing activities we planned together, rather than me going back to Daegu out of some familial obligation?”
Yoongi stood tall. It was obvious he’d thought he’d made his point well. Unfortunately, Taehyung didn’t feel swayed at all. Forlornly, he glanced at the front of the line.
“I know firsthand what it’s like to be somewhere you don’t belong, even if you’re with the person you love the most.”
“The difference is that what I love most about Seoul is that you’re there.”
Soft-spoken and sweet, Yoongi sounded unbearably sincere. Taehyung felt himself caving in. Mind grinding to a halt as it caught up with the reality of what Yoongi was offering, he allowed himself to look back into his eyes.
“But, you were ready to end things,” Taehyung whispered, the back of his neck prickling with heat. It was a difficult conversation to have, let alone in public.
Despite the fact that Yoongi had rarely shown him physical affection in public, he soon reached his hands towards Taehyung's. When he linked their hands together, he was slow and careful, the same way his voice was as he spoke next.
“I want you to be happy. And if that had to be a fresh start without me… It sucked, but it probably sucked as much as having to leave me behind in Seoul, right?”
Taehyung nodded, heart heavy as it raced.
“So… you’ll come with me?”
His voice, paper thin.
Yoongi let go of his hands, and Taehyung’s heart all but stopped. The sensation was brief, as he startled when Yoongi’s hands found him again, this time framing his face as he brought them into a crushing kiss. Taehyung couldn’t think of a single time prior to this that Yoongi had kissed him outside the privacy of their own home. Yet, it felt natural to kiss Yoongi back, to hug him close and to chase after his lips every time it seemed like he would pull away.
He wasn’t sure how long they'd kissed, though he would not have been all that surprised to have found themselves alone in the terminal. Each second of relief both ephemeral and infinite. He was surprised, however, to see Yoongi’s eyes filled with tears when he finally stepped back. He was quick to wipe the sleeve of his jacket over his eyes, but it had been too late. Taehyung had seen.
“Oh no, hyung, were you actually…”
“Yes, I was fucking upset, god.” His voice cracked and Taehyung couldn’t help but to smile, both fond and worried. “I thought you’d broken up with me out of, like, nowhere. I was just trying to be supportive earlier. Every chapter after ours would be the fucking worst. And yes, it did blindside me. You know, I thought I was your family, too. Because you’re mine, and…”
The fast pace of words cut off when Taehyung wrapped an arm around Yoongi's waist, hugging him to his side. He pressed his cheek against the top of Yoongi’s head. Something he thought he’d never get the opportunity to do again just hours prior.
“I feel the same way. I just… didn’t want to uproot you from somewhere you love. Because you’ve never done that to me. I was already uprooted when you found me.”
“Then don’t uproot me from you,” Yoongi said, almost distantly. When Taehyung looked down though, Yoongi’s cheeks had coloured pink.
“Ok, yeah. Ok. Let’s go home? Before they close our gate?”
Yoongi nodded, extracted himself from Taehyung’s side, then moved forward with purpose. Taehyung, exhilarated, followed after. Did his best not to get too distracted with the flood of images of what their life could be like, together where Taehyung had grown up, where he felt most like himself.
To his surprise, when they’d finally sat down in the plane, overhead lights turned off to allow passengers to sleep on the flight to Seoul, Yoongi had leaned over, and kissed his cheek. The continued display of affection a dead giveaway for how truly relieved Yoongi must have been.
"You won't go anywhere without me, right?" Yoongi had asked in the dark, perhaps not yet completely relieved.
Under the airline blanket Taehyung had thrown over their laps, he'd found Yoongi's hand.
"Don't worry. I'll keep you in sight to make sure your soul stays just like that pond."
He hadn't seen Yoongi's expression in the dark, but had watched as he'd shaken his head, listened as he'd laughed lightly, so clearly endeared.
"What goes on in that head of yours, huh?" There had been no trace of malice in Yoongi's voice.
Much later in the night, as they'd unpacked their shared luggage side by side, Taehyung had finally breathed his own sigh of relief as he'd imagined them packing their entire life up, still together.
Yoongi loved the city, but — even when Taehyung hadn't felt it — Taehyung had been the biggest part of that city.