Chapter Text
I was used to being alone...no, not in the sense of I didn't have any friends or family by my side but in the sense of feeling alone because I didn't have someone by my side romantically. It was my second year of college and I had friends that had been with their significant others since highschool. Other's had found their partners within the first few months into the college life but here I was sitting on the sidelines with no one to love me. I was tired of living the thirdwheel life and I was tired of relationship after relationship getting shoved into my face. It was like it screamed 'hey look at me, I've loved and you're not'.
It became so awkward being around my friends at times, some much so that I had picked up the habit of always being the quiet one who sits back and reads or does homework. It was just one of those things that I couldn't help doing, I didn't want to interrupt intimate moments or say something at the wrong time. I had even turned to my journal once or twice when things go to be to much for me. I guess that''s why I was probably looked at as the quiet nerdy kid that everyone in my friend group would run to if they didn't understand their homework.
And so here I was going through the motions of my everyday life. College was a lot like highschool, you go to class and hope you stay invisible to the assholes who just want to use you or you drown yourself in piles of homework that seem like a cruel punishment to society. I hated living with this mind set but with being the quiet one, I had to learn to stay away from the fakers. My friends were the only ones I cared for, the only ones who cared about me and even if they made me feel alone at times with their relationships, I know they'd have my back no matter the case.
I was currently sitting outside on the top tier of the bleachers watching as my friends all played a few rounds of basketball, some of their significant others either sitting down further on the sidelines, cheering for their respected partner, or playing along with the game either together side by side or on opposite teams in hope of winning bragging rights.
"Hey, Renjunnie!" I looked up to see my chinese best friend, Chenle, the boy tripping up the bleachers.
"What's up Lele?" I asked, my eyes drifting past him toward the so called school's bad boys who walked through the fencing that caged the court.
"So, I was on my way to my locker which passes right by yours and I caught someone breaking into your locker. I mean at first I thought someone was trying to steal something from it so of course like any good best friend, I yelled at them. They ran off like expected and I searched to see if your usual was still in the locker, and it was. But the thing was they dropped something in the process of running." He told me before pulling out a small little box and handing it over to me. "I found this."
"This isn't mine." I told him looking the little box over, it was a simple black box probably no bigger than a tissue box.
"I know that." Chenle told me, his hand going to point down at the white lettering. "But it's addressed to you."
"I wonder what it is..." I trailed off, unsure of if I wanted to open it up or not.
"Maybe it's a letter or something."
I gave him a pointed look. "Lele, it's a box, how can it be a letter?"
"I don't know, Junnie, but I'm gonna go play some ball. It looks like we finally have enough to play a full court rather than half." He grinned at me, turning to stumble down a few steps before pausing and looking back up at me. "Dude, it's Jeno and Jaemin, I wonder if they're gonna play with us. Anyway see ya!"
I shook my head at him as he all but tripped down the bleachers and onto the basketball court, my eyes traveling curiously to the two who now stood on the sidelines. Jeno's arm was slung lazily over Jaemin's shoulder and for whatever reason I couldn't keep my eyes off of the two. I had always found the an interesting study when they were around me. They were boyfriends, or at least that's what the rumor around the school ways but according to their actions it seemed like they weren't together. Though I could swear I saw tiny glimpses of a possible truth to the rumor, Jaemin giving the older a fleeting glance or Jeno's over protectiveness when someone said shit about the other.
As if reading my thoughts and hearing his name, Jaemin's eyes turned up as if they were looking for and finding me. He smirked to himself, maybe catching me staring at them, before he reached over to elbow Jeno and whispering something. Whatever he said to the other had Jeno looking up in the same direction and seeing me, a smirk on his own face before he shoot up a wink in my direction.
What the hell was that? I should have looked away from them, I really should have but I didn't. I should have looked away as Jaemin looked back up, the three of us having a staring contest before one of our mutual friends called out to them.
"One of you guys gonna play?" Taeyong called out to them.
"Yeah, I'll play, Nana is out until his ankle heals up." Jeno's eyes shot away from me and to the man who was talking to them.
"So that's why Jeno had his arm wrapped around Nana." I mumbled to myself.
"Sweet, I was gonna step off, I have homework that's due tomorrow and I need to get it done before I keep putting it off." He man mumbled as he began gathering up his things as the bottom level of the bleachers. There was always a pile of peoples bags and other items in that one spot.
"It's all good man." Though they were the school bad boys, Jeno, Jaemin and I share a mutual friend group. No one cared that the men had a rep around the school, they welcomed the boys into our group and treated them just like they were the rest of us. Though with that said the two rarely came around as a whole, nor have I myself interacted with them much aside from being the fly on the wall during conversations.
Jeno stepped onto the court, Jaemin taking his time to slowly walk up the steps that lead up to me. My flustered face had yet to calm down as I looked away at lightning speed, he was watching me ever step he took. My eyes shot down to the box before me, a low chuckle making me flush a deeper red. From the corner of my eye, I could see that Jaemin picked the bench seat below me, laying the length and tossing an arm over his eyes.
Trying my best to ignore him, I finally pulled open the box. There within the content sat two little sunflowers along with two letters that sat below them. And taking the first letter, I opened it up to read the content.
Renjun...to be honest I'm not sure how to start this other than I find you so adorable and absolutely beautiful. I even though about writing you a little poem like how roses are red or some shit like that but J told me not to because he wanted to do that. So for you, I am instead here, stuck on not knowing what to say to you.
Should i just start listing off all the reasons as to why I believe I'm so head over heels in love with you because I can do that. Though I think I'd be wasting your time since you should know every single detail on what makes you so loveable but maybe next time I'll give you my top ten reasons. For the mean time, I will tell you I'm your secret admirer or at least one of them but you can call me L for now. I won't tell you if that's my first of last name initial nor will I tell you my name just yet. And ps it's going to be the same way with J so be careful. But anyway keep a look out for another letter from me...from us.
Love,
L
I coked my head to the side yet a small smile found its way onto my lips as I whispered unconsciously to myself. "Of course as soon as I get jealous of all my friends being in relationships, I get something like this to make me feel better."
"Did you say something, Renjun?" Jaemin asked me, by now his arm slung to his side and his eyes were trained up at me.
"Oh...um...no just talking to myself." I mumbled shyly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your little nap or whatever it was you were doing."
"It's all good." That was all that was exchanged as I reached for the other note, pulling it from the box as I delicately put the other back.
I didn't fall in love. I fell through it:
Came out the other side moments later, hands full of matter, waking up from the dream of a bullet tearing through the middle of my body.
I no longer understand anything for longer than a long moment, or the time it takes to receive the shot.
This kind of gravity is like falling through a cloud, forgetting it all, and then being told about it later. On the day you fell through a cloud . . .
It must be true. If it were not, then when did these strands of silver netting attach to my hair?
The problem was finding that you were real and not just a dream of clouds.
If you weren't real, I would address this letter to one of two entities: myself, or everyone else. The effect would be equivalent.
The act of falling happens in time. That is, it takes long enough for the falling to shear away from the moments before and the moments after, long enough for one to have thought I am falling. I have been falling. I continue to fall.
Falling through a ring, in this case, would not mean falling through the center of the annulus—a planet floats there. Falling through the ring means falling through the spaces between the objects that together make the ring.
On the way through, clasp your fists around the universe:
Nothing but ice-gravel.
But open your hands when you reach the other side. Quickly, before it melts.
What did I leave you?
~Love Letter (Clouds) by Sarah Manguso
I wanted to write you my own poem but when I saw this one I just couldn't help but take such a lovely piece and relay it as my own. I mean it does in fact discribe how I feel for you. I just hope this made you see that L and I are completly and utterly in love with you. Totally whipped for you in a way so unimaginatable that it's hard to put your emotions into words.
We hope to talk with you soon...maybe one day you can love us like we love you.
love,
J
"Beautiful." I sniffed softly, wiping away the tears that had slipped without my knowledge. I smied softly to myself, laughing softly to myself as I continued looking down at the letter. "How can someone write something so beautiful and though it might not be his...to pick something so beautiful to relay such raw emotions...wow..."
I placed the letter back in the box alongside the other, missing the small smile that graced the lips of the man a bench below me.
***
Basketball was another two hours for the boys that were playing but I really couldn't focus on my friends or even read for that matter when I was two busy thinking of the two that send me the anonymous letter. Who were they? How did they know each other? Why did they both basically confess their undying love to me? Were they really wanting me to be theirs? Would they share me or is it who I like more? So many questions and I didn't have the answers to a single one of them.
Letting out what felt like my thousandth sigh, I looked down at Jaemin who had, by now, fallen asleep. I was taking a moment to look over the man, his features, unlike being awake, were soft. I wanted so much to just bend down and poke the younger in the cheek or to run my hand through the locks of his hair.
"Stupid." I mumbled annoyed at myself. Jaemin had a boyfriend, I think. Regardless he had Jeno, whatever he wanted to call their relationship. I should have these heart eye feeling for him when looking at the other nor should I have any heart eyes when looking up to focus on one particular person on the basketball court. He was dominating the court, his team winning though I didn't care as I watched the sweat glisten against his tan skin.
"You're drooling a bit." Jaemin's voice made me jump, my eyes ripping away from Jeno and looking down at the now awake boy in front of me.
"I'm not!" I cried softly.
"Are you sure about that?" Jaemin just sat up, reaching forward to wipe a bit of something from the side of my mouth and making me heat under his touch. The smirk he gave me was evident on his face, it made me fall into a deeper blush as I tried looking away. The man before me held my face in his hands, keeping me looking at him and I couldn't help but lock eyes with him. His expression was dark and alluring, it had my toes curling and my lust trying to drive me into pressing my lips against his. It took so much in me not to kiss him right here, my thoughts being interrupted as he spoke again. "Who ya have the hots for?"
I'm sure he didn't need to know the answer, it was probably already clear as day when he woke up. He probably caught me staring and at who but that didn't stop me from trying to lie to him. "I...no one inparticular."
I pulled away from him, shaking my head and trying to clear my thoughts when Jaemin laughed at me softly.
"And I don't have the hots for anyone, I was simply just watching my friends play basketball." I mumbled, looking away from him.
Jaemin smirked, shaking his head. "So what do you have planned after this?"
"Oh um...I'm not sure really. I think my mom said something about how she volunteered me for a babysitting job but she didn't tell me more than that. I have no idea for who and where I'd be going, I might need to call her and find out but I seriously don't want her nagging me to death either."
"Why would she do that?" He asked me.
"She's always nagging." I sighed. "She says I need to find myself a girlfriend but I think she forgets the little fact that I'm gay. But when I remind her she just turns around and tells me to hush and that I need to find myself a man. She's ready for me to have something serious, though I think she also wants to set me up to be some kinda house husband. She's always said I didn't have to work but she's nagged me to learn how to cook good meals and how to take care of the house properly. It's honestly kinda funny at times, but it's still her nagging nonetheless. She only asked me about the babysitting thing because her coworker was desperate but I think she secretly hopes that the coworker has a son my age I can hook up with. I know she means well but it's kinda annoying."
Jaemin chuckled sofly. "Cute."
"No, it's not. I don't have...I just wish I could do something right for once. I wish I could just be like yeah mom, I finally found myself someone who'll take care of me and that I love. Want to meet them? It's frustrating when I've got my mother and my friends on top of that, wondering when I'm getting someone. Correction, I have friends that say I just need to get laid so they don't really cound."
Jaemin was chuckling softly by now, making my annoyed expression from my ranting die down. I couldn't help but smile softly at him, admiring the bad boy before me and a man that rarely ever showed that he could actually smile. Showing this side of himself was something I felt privileged enough to see.
"I can always try to help you out." He laughed.
I choked, spinning to face the other. My eyes were probably huge by now, but what could I do with a comment like that? "W...what?"
"I can always try helping you find someone." He told me.
"Oh...no you don't have to do that at all." I told him.
"Okay, but my offer will be there any time you change your mind."
"Thank you." I looked away again, not realzing that the game had stopped and that someone was bounding up the bleachers toward the two of us. I hadn't noticed anything until I felt someone ploppind down in the empty space next to me.
"Whatcha guys talking about?" Jeno's voice had me looking up to meet his eyes.
Jaemin just grinned at the other. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Watch it Nana or I won't help you get home with that hurt ankle of yours." Jeno threatened, a smirk on his face as he turned away from the man who was pouting now. He then focused in on me. "Hello, Renjun."
"H...hi Jeno." I breathed out.
"Would you like to tell me what kinda conversation you had? I'm curious by nature and just wanna join in on the fun."
I paused, making the two men before me smirk. It was Jaemin who reached out in the moment of silence to pinch Jeno's leg and shoot him some kinda glare, but I ignored that as I finally worked up enough courage to speak.
"Um...boys?" I questioned not meaning for it to sound that way.
The two burst out laughing. " I mean we kinda were Junnie."
"Cute." Jeno chuckled lowly, making my blush deepen.
I wanted nothing more that for the world to open up underneath me and swollow me whole. One thing helped me though, pulling me from my conversation away from the two and for once I was thankful for my mother texting me.
"Oh, um...I have to go." I mumbled looking up from the address and time my mother had sent me. "My mom just told me more stuff for the babysitting thing so I need to get going to be there on time."
"Want us to take you so you don't have to walk?" Jeno asked me.
"Wait, you know I walk places?" I asked surprised.
"Yeah, we've seen you a few times walking home or something, but each time we've thought about helping out we couldn't stop because we were in a rush."
"Oh, but I don't want to inconvenience you" I shook my head.
"Where's the address then? Maybe it's on our way home?" He told me and I reluctantly showed my phone with the address, the two of them smiling. "So you're the one that my mom got to babysit the twins."
"I...what?" I whispered. "Why can't you just watch them then?"
"I'm usually the one who watches them ut I've got work tonight after this. And Jeno has been strictly told to no longer watch them by himself because the last time they nearly burnt the house down trying to bake cookies." Jaemin explained.
"Hey, in my defense I thought I put the timer one and mom legit said I just needed a babysitter if I watched them...shit that didn't really help my case, did it?"
The two of us shook our head, my small giggles making Jeno smile. "So does that mean you're babysitting them tonight and I'm babysitting you?"
Jeno smirked, leaning closer to me. "If you'd like. I just planned on staying home reather than watch them but since they have such a cute babysitter than I might just have to come over and bug you."
I looked awya, trying to hide the blush that had just faded. "I...I guess I'll ride with you then if it's on your way."
"Perfect." Jaemin said with a grin.