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Yuuta wakes to sunlight streaming in through the window and the dead weight of a sleeping Toge. Toge is lying half on top of him, cheek smushed against his chest, right arm thrown across his torso, and right leg hooked around Yuuta’s. His hair glints in the morning light, and Yuuta can see a few freckles scattered across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, above the black mask that fits snugly over the bottom half of his face.
It’s surreal that this is something Yuuta is allowed to have—that after everything with Rika and despite all of the risks that come with being a sorcerer, he found love with someone as kind and as incredible as Toge. He’s allowed to hold Toge in his arms, a sense of peace spreading through his body. He’s allowed to wake up grateful that he’s still breathing.
He watches Toge as the room brightens, the sun climbing higher in the sky. Sorcerers are not often granted moments of tranquility, so Yuuta will savor every second.
When Toge begins to stir, it’s with the same disgruntled half-asleep movements that come every morning. He mumbles something unintelligible, but they’ve gone through this routine enough that Yuuta knows it’s, “Kelp, Yuuta.”
Good morning, Yuuta.
Yuuta laughs softly, brushing Toge’s hair out of his eyes. “Good morning,” he murmurs as Toge pushes himself up. He looks down at Yuuta, resting his head in his hands. “How’d you sleep?”
“Salmon.” Good. He raises an eyebrow, asking Yuuta the same in return.
“I slept pretty well too.” Any more than five hours of sleep is “pretty well” by Yuuta’s definition, so that isn’t saying much. But he does tend to sleep better when Toge is next to him.
Toge nods, content with that answer. Yuuta may not be able to fully see his expression, but he picks up on the way Toge’s eyes crinkle just a bit at the edges, letting him know that there is, indeed, a smile beneath the mask.
Toge rolls off of him then, sitting up and stretching his arms.
Yuuta knows he should follow Toge’s lead—they should get up and start getting ready for training and classes. But he would much rather lie here for just a few moments longer, basking in the calm of morning sunlight and sleepy cuddles—a few more moments where they can pretend they’re normal teenagers instead of jujutsu sorcerers.
Yuuta knows they can’t stay here forever, though, so he pushes himself up into a sitting position as well. He leans his head against Toge’s shoulder, wrapping an arm around him. Toge laughs softly as he brings a hand up to Yuuta’s hair, running his fingers through it.
“Yuuta,” he scolds lightly.
“I know, I know.” Yuuta sighs before forcing himself to pull away from Toge. He kisses the top of Toge’s head, and then Toge lowers his mask so he can press his lips against Yuuta’s cheek. The contact only lasts for a moment before Toge disappears from his side, sliding off Yuuta’s bed and heading for the door.
He waves to Yuuta before silently slipping out of the room.
Once the door clicks shut, Yuuta flops back onto his bed, grinning. He loves mornings with Toge. He loves Toge. He loves his quiet laughter and his messy morning hair. He loves the soft kisses—one placed on each of Toge’s cheeks, right over the seals—
Yuuta frowns.
Well. That last part is only once Toge lowers his mask.
He always sleeps with it on, and when they’re running behind in the morning, Yuuta settles for simply kissing Toge’s forehead before sending him off to his room to get ready, occasionally having to literally push him through the door. It isn’t a problem—Toge can wear his mask whenever he wants. Yuuta never wants to be the sort of person who pressures his boyfriend into doing something he isn’t comfortable with.
But Yuuta likes seeing Toge without the mask, because those are the moments when he seems most relaxed. Those are the moments when Toge looks most carefree, and most like a typical teenager—when cursed spirits and cursed techniques melt away, and Toge can just be Toge.
It’s when Toge seems happiest, and above all, Yuuta likes seeing Toge happy.
It’s just… sometimes, when Toge continues to wear his mask despite it just being the two of them alone in Yuuta’s room, Yuuta worries that he isn’t able to make Toge as happy as Toge makes him.
— —
Yuuta caps his water bottle, then uses his arm to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He looks out at the field where Toge and Panda are still sparring. It isn’t particularly hot out, but Toge still tossed his mask aside with his bag instead of wearing it for training today, meaning his full face is on display as Yuuta watches from the sidelines.
Toge dodges a strike from Panda, but he loses his balance and topples into the grass. Before Panda can strike, though, Toge kicks his feet out from underneath him and Panda goes down as well. Laughter rings out from the pair, and Yuuta feels himself smile.
“You are so far gone for him,” Maki’s voice sounds from behind him.
Yuuta rolls his eyes, but he isn’t going to deny it. They both know it’s true.
He looks back over to Toge as Panda helps him to his feet. Toge brushes the dirt from his clothes, then glances at Yuuta. When their eyes meet, Toge waves and grins at him.
Yuuta waves back, warmth spreading through him at the sight of Toge’s smile.
“Wow,” Maki sits down beside him. “Satoru says Megumi and Yuuji are bad, but you two are so much worse.”
Yuuta shrugs sheepishly. He feels like he and Toge have an excuse since they spent a year pining across the ocean. Megumi and Yuuji got together after a few months of being increasingly obvious about their feelings, and they never had to deal with the long distance thing. But Maki is well aware of that, so Yuuta won’t bother pointing it out.
He rests his chin in his hands, watching Toge, and it occurs to him that maybe he should ask Maki about why Toge sleeps in a mask. That eliminates the fear of Toge feeling pressured into sleeping without a mask if Yuuta asks him, and it could also give Yuuta a feel for Toge’s reasoning before bringing it up to him directly.
The only problem is Maki doesn’t exactly know that Toge has been sleeping in Yuuta’s room basically every night for the past three weeks, and Yuuta would sort of like to keep it that way. He doesn’t need to give Maki more reasons to tease him. Not to mention she’ll… probably think they’re doing things that neither of them are particularly interested in.
So he has to be vague about it.
Toge never really explained the mask to him. Obviously he wears it when they go off campus to avoid questions about his seals. But even on campus, he tends to cover his mouth. In their first year, he would wear a scarf. Now, he has a modified uniform with a high collar that covers the bottom half of his face.
Yuuta sort of always just assumed it was a sensory thing. Regardless, he didn’t want to pry. He knows the gist of Toge’s childhood—accidental curses, forced isolation, tape over his mouth, treated like a prisoner and an outcast by his own family—but Toge has been evasive about a lot of that as well. And Yuuta doesn’t want to force him to reopen old wounds. God knows he doesn’t really want to relive Rika’s accident.
So he’s let Toge open up at his own pace.
But he’s also really curious about the whole sleeping-with-the-mask-on thing, and asking Maki one or two vague questions shouldn’t hurt. If Maki tells him that it’s something she thinks Toge should explain himself, Yuuta will drop it.
Yuuta takes another swig from his water bottle before turning to Maki. “Can I ask you something?”
“You just did,” Maki points out. “But sure.” She fixes her gaze on the training field. “Ask away.”
“Do you…” Now that Yuuta is actually asking this out loud, he feels like a bad boyfriend. Isn’t this something he should know? If Maki knows and Yuuta doesn’t, what does that say about him?
He swallows his uneasiness. He’s already started, so Maki won’t let him off the hook if he tries to back out now.
He fiddles with the lid of his water bottle, looking down at his hands. “Has Toge ever said anything about why he covers his mouth while he’s on campus? Like… everyone here knows about his technique, so there’s no reason for him to hide his seals. No one here is going to question them. And he wears his mask like… while we’re having movie night, or when he’s asleep, so there’s not really anything dangerous happening…” Yuuta lets his voice trail off. He feels like he should add more—explain himself better—but he doesn’t really have anything left to add.
“While he’s asleep?” Maki questions, shooting a glance over at Yuuta. “I didn’t think he actually slept in it. He wears it on campus because it’ll take the brunt of the cursed energy if he accidentally curses someone. I’m not sure why he’d wear it to sleep.”
Yuuta blinks. “Oh.”
“Why?” Maki raises an eyebrow.
“I was— I was just… wondering,” Yuuta can hear himself stumbling over his words, his mind racing too fast to worry about that right now. “I thought it was, like, a sensory thing or something that he didn’t like talking about. But… but yeah. That makes sense.”
Maki hums vaguely, still watching the sparring match, oblivious to Yuuta’s internal crisis.
Does Toge even want to sleep in Yuuta’s room with him? Did Yuuta unintentionally pressure him into agreeing? Did he just agree to please Yuuta, when really, it’s been making Toge uncomfortable this whole time? Were there signs Yuuta should have seen? Has he not been observant enough? Is he a bad boyfriend?
What if being overseas for so long has made Yuuta less attuned to Toge’s nonverbal cues? Toge’s nonverbal cues are, like, eighty percent of his communication. If Yuuta has been blind to Toge’s discomfort, maybe he shouldn’t even be dating Toge at all. Toge deserves someone who can fully and entirely understand him.
What if Yuuta isn’t that person anymore?
What if Yuuta lost that ability, and what if it’s something he can’t regain? What if he was gone for too long?
“You okay?” Maki asks, bringing Yuuta back into the present.
“Yeah!”
Yuuta is almost certain Maki can see through the lie, but she doesn’t call him out on it. She looks at him oddly for a moment, and then carefully says, “Well, if you have any more questions, maybe you should ask Toge instead of me. I’m sure he’ll be able to answer better than I can.”
Yuuta wants to argue, but he… can’t. Maki’s right; Yuuta really should just ask Toge. Even if asking Toge means confronting answers he may not want, it’ll probably be better for both of them if he talks to Toge directly.
He just… has to figure out what, exactly, he should say.
— —
Yuuta spends the rest of the day trying to figure out how to ask Toge about his mask, but nothing sounds right in his head. It’s either too pushy or too judgy or too passive or too weird or just wrong.
He’s starting to circle back around to the idea that maybe he doesn’t know how to communicate with Toge as well as he’d thought, or as well as he’d used to. Before he went overseas, they’d gotten to the point where they could understand each other almost seamlessly, despite Toge’s limits in verbal communication and Yuuta’s limited knowledge of sign language. But now, even with Yuuta’s vastly improved fluency in JSL, his ability to communicate with Toge seems to be slipping from his grasp.
Hours later, when Toge comes into Yuuta’s bedroom, Yuuta is sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed, trying not to have a breakdown. He’s picking at threads on his shirt and he doesn’t really register that Toge has come into the room until he sits down next to Yuuta, wrapping his arms around him and leaning his head on Yuuta’s shoulder.
“Kelp.”
“Kelp,” Yuuta repeats absentmindedly. Once he realizes what he’s said, he blinks and shakes his head. “I-I mean—”
Toge giggles. He pulls back to look at Yuuta, and then his smile fades into a frown. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Yes!” Yuuta answers much too quickly.
Toge raises an eyebrow, and Yuuta looks away.
“Yuuta,” Toge says softly. “Tuna mayo.”
“I know, I know.” Yuuta runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. He adjusts his position so he and Toge are sitting across from each other. This way, he can really see Toge—he can watch his body language, and hopefully he’ll be able to pick up on any nonverbal cues that may contradict Toge’s words.
Toge looks at him expectantly.
“Are you… Are you still, um, comfortable with… you know. The whole bed-sharing thing?”
Toge tilts his head. “Salmon.” Yes. He pauses, briefly. “Mustard leaf?” Why?
“Well, I just… I want to be sure! I want you to be comfortable and happy, and…” Yuuta’s voice gets quieter, “and I guess I’m worried that I’m not as good at reading your body language as I was before I went overseas.”
Toge’s expression softens. “You always understand me best,” he signs simply. “I promise this is something I want. I’ll tell you if I ever change my mind.” He pulls his mask down under his chin before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Yuuta’s cheek. Then, he slips off the bed. He grabs one of Yuuta’s hoodies off of the back of his desk chair and pulls it on over his head.
“Right,” Yuuta says. “But… I was sort of asking because you always wear your mask when you sleep over here, and I… I was wondering why?”
Toge freezes. Then, he shrugs.
“Just ‘cause I know you wear it while we’re out to avoid people asking about your seals, and I don’t want you to have to feel like that around me,” Yuuta explains. “I like when I can see your seals. Not in a weird way! I just… I like when you feel like you can be yourself, and you don’t have to hide part of who you are. Because all of you is wonderful and incredible and—” Yuuta snaps his mouth shut, forcing himself not to continue his rambling and potentially make everything worse.
Slowly, Toge turns to face him. He raises his hands hesitantly and signs, “That’s not why I sleep in my mask.”
“Can I ask why you do?” Yuuta whispers.
Toge opens his mouth, then closes it. “I… had accidents when I was little. There were times when I would talk in my sleep and accidentally curse other people. I wear my mask on campus because it’s designed to absorb the brunt of the cursed energy if I misspeak. And… that’s also why I wear it when I sleep in your room.”
“Oh.” Yuuta swallows. The explanation makes sense, but…
But Yuuta doesn’t want Toge to have to sleep in a mask every single night just to keep him safe. That isn’t fair.
“You don’t have to sleep here if you’d be more comfortable in your own room,” Yuuta whispers.
“I like sleeping here.”
“But you have to wear a mask!”
Toge shrugs.
“Toge…”
“Yuuta.”
Yuuta huffs. “I just don’t want you to have to spend the rest of your life sleeping with a mask on. And… I want this—us—to last, you know?”
Toge smiles. “Salmon,” he says softly. “I haven’t had problems with sleep talking in years, but… I don’t want to risk hurting you. I want you to feel comfortable sharing a bed with me.”
“I do,” Yuuta insists. “I know you would never purposefully do anything to hurt me. I’m not scared of you, Toge.”
Toge hesitates. Yuuta can’t figure out exactly what he’s thinking, but he can see that he’s contemplating something. So he sits in silence and waits patiently for Toge to gather his thoughts.
“You can say no if you want,” Toge finally signs. His hand movements are sloppier than usual, as if he isn’t sure he wants Yuuta to be able to understand what he’s saying. “But… since it’s been years since the last time I cursed someone in my sleep, I… I could try sleeping without the mask. Only if you’re okay with it.”
Yuuta nods emphatically. “I’m okay with it. I trust you.”
“If something bad happens, we aren’t trying it again,” Toge warns.
“Deal,” Yuuta agrees. He’s really hoping nothing bad will happen—not necessarily so he can avoid being accidentally cursed, but so Toge can continue to sleep comfortably without a mask.
Toge nods. “Now go change into your pajamas so we can sleep. I’m tired.” As if to prove his point, he yawns.
Yuuta thinks it’s probably a fake yawn, but he won’t say anything. He’s tired too—panicking about talking to Toge all day sort of drained his energy, and now that the talking is over, Yuuta can feel the anxiety wearing off and the exhaustion sinking in.
“Okay, okay.” Yuuta climbs off the bed. He drops a kiss on the top of Toge’s head before brushing past him to grab pajamas and get ready for bed.
— —
“Tuna mayo,” Toge whispers, rubbing his jaw as he climbs into Yuuta’s bed. This feels weird.
“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Yuuta says. Even if sleeping without a mask will be more physically comfortable for Toge, Yuuta doesn’t want him to have to sacrifice his mental comfort.
Toge shakes his head. “I want to. I’m tired of missing out on things because of my technique.” Yuuta has to strain his eyes to make out the signs in the dark, but he can piece together what Toge is saying well enough. “I want to learn to trust myself like you trust me.”
Yuuta feels himself smile as his face heats up. He’s grateful that the lack of light should hide the way his cheeks flush.
Toge lies down next to him, snuggling up close. “Tuna tuna, Yuuta.”
“I love you too,” Yuuta whispers before pressing a kiss to the top of Toge’s head.
— —
When Yuuta wakes, it’s to sunlight streaming in through the window and the dead weight of a sleeping Toge. Toge is lying half on top of him, their limbs tangled together, same as every other morning for the past three weeks.
But this morning, Yuuta can see the seal on Toge’s left cheek and all of the freckles splattered across his jawline. The bottom half of Toge’s face is not blocked by a mask, and Yuuta does not feel cursed by anything apart from love.