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It probably wasn’t a surprise that someone approached him after he stood over half an hour in front of a bookshelf. This clearly was the ‘How To’ and self-help section, but that fact and his staring still didn’t make the book appear he wanted to buy. Or more like the sort of book he was searching for. He had searched the rest of the bookstore already and there was no other section that could hold what he was looking for. It had to be here, but he couldn’t find it.
“What are you looking for?”
The employee didn’t sound very happy about having to talk to him and the feeling was mutual. But Andrew had finally convinced himself to try this and he wouldn’t go to another store. So he had to ask this man for help or he wouldn’t make progress for another month or two until he would have the courage to try again.
“A self-help book.”
“So you can’t decide which one of these badly written books that contain even worse advice you want to choose first to ruin your life with?”
Andrew tore his eyes away from the book shelve to look at the man beside him. It was the guy from the register he had seen when he came in. It was the reason he had actually tried to find the book, because he wanted to ask him out. But Andrew was too broken to have something as beautiful as this man. Everything would just end like the last times he tried to date someone . He would freak out and that guy wouldn’t call him again. And Andrew would be too proud to call him first and that would be that.
Not that he would have any chance with him after this conversation, but at least he had been useful for Andrew so far. Maybe he could be more useful.
“I am searching for a book on sex.”
The man’s eyes darkened visibly at that. “We don’t have those.”
“I can see that,” Andrew deadpanned.
“They shouldn’t be allowed to be sold anywhere.”
Oh well, there went all his attraction for that man.
“So you are one of those,” Andrew answered, his tone as dark as the stranger’s look.
“One of what?”
“One of the people who think that making information about sex and how it works public is harmful.”
The man’s eyebrows vanished under his unruly, auburn hair.
“Oh? You want a sex-ed book? Those are in the serious section. You know, where all the other science is.”
Warmth pooled in Andrew’s stomach again. Okay, okay, such a smart mouth shouldn’t turn him on the way it did. They stared at each other for a few long seconds, Andrew indifferent, the register guy with a heat so intense it felt like Andrew could combust from it.
“But you refuse to sell self-help books on the topic.”
It was a statement as much as it was a question because it sure as hell didn’t make any sense.
“They are all missing some very essential stuff.”
Now it was Andrew’s turn to lift an eyebrow. Who was this guy? Some kind of sex guru? A sex snob who condemned the opinions of other people?
Andrew was well aware that everyone was able to write a self-help book, he had just hoped he would find something from a psychiatrist or a sexologist or something.
“And what exactly are they missing?”
“The word ‘no’ for one.”
It came so quick and sure it nearly swiped Andrew off his feet. Usually he wasn’t shook easily.
“No…,” he repeated and it felt like his throat was closing up.
“Yes, or the fact that not every relationship needs sex to be healthy. And this whole ‘how to I please my partner better’… don’t even get me started on that. I know people grab these books because something isn’t working, but the books are never about the reader and always about the dissatisfied partner. You know what people should consider? That you have to find someone who matches your sexual preferences, who respects you, your boundaries and the fact that sex isn’t the same for everyone and isn’t the same level of importance for everyone. Instead those books promote that you have to work on yourself to make the relationship work, because as soon as the sex works better, you will feel better about it, too. But maybe the sex isn’t working because you just don’t like sex or you just don’t like sex the way your partner likes it. And both has to be okay, don’t you think? So no, we are not selling this crap here, I am not giving people something that will convince them that hurting themselves just to fit some arbitrary standard is a good and normal thing to do. So if you want something like that…”
“Will you go out with me?”
Andrew wasn’t one to just blurt out words, but he wasn’t able to hold himself back anymore.
“What?” The register guy asked like Andrew had told him a ghost stood right behind him.
“Go out with me,” Andrew repeated steadier this time. “Dinner, a coffee, whatever. Your choice.”
The guy blinked and Andrew felt a tiny bit proud about the fact that he had managed to shut him up. A second later the nervousness of a potential rejection settled in his stomach. He didn’t even know if this guy was into men. It was just… this speech indicated some problems with intimacy and maybe… just maybe he would understand. Maybe they would never have sex, but with this guy that felt okay. It felt like he wouldn’t ghost him if Andrew freaked out when they would try. It felt like he wouldn’t even leave. It felt like this man would wait out the panic together with Andrew, would sit with him and eat ice cream until his skin didn’t feel to sizes to tight anymore.
It felt like this man would be able to understand.
“I… okay. Coffee sounds good.”