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If Sirius Black had known he would be kissing Remus Lupin tonight, he would have probably worn a matching pair of socks. He would have put on a nicer pair of earrings and the tight black pants that hugged his thighs and in that he could have sworn he had caught Remus sneaking a glance at his legs every now and then. He would have told James to keep him from eating all that scrambled egg at dinner because now he could feel it wiggling around in his stomach and mixing in with his jittery fingers and his beating heart.
If someone had told him he would be sitting in the middle of the common room on a random Thursday, his hands burrowed deep in one of Remus‘s soft brown sweaters, clutching it desperately in fear of waking up and realising it had all been a dream, he would have laughed in their face.
There was no reasonable explanation for the warm fingers on his cheek and the soft curls brushing his temple. No. There was no way. In his imagination, it had always been the most meaningful and significant moment, a moment that had to be carefully planned and prepared in detail so that everyone had to realise how incredibly right it was, how unbelievably perfect they were for each other. Maybe a confession at the lake, at midnight. A kiss in the middle of an ecstatic crowd, cheering for Gryffindor after a successful quidditch match. A walk in the woods and two hands that reached for each other tentatively.
This was not the way he had pictured it. There had been no thoughtful plan, no romantic details, no significant moment, just Sirius and his despicable impatience and his stupid, stupid wistful thoughts that had made him forget his common sense for the tiniest of moments. He had been watching Remus‘s long fingers draw his quill over the parchment for hours and hours and zoned out from the conversation the others had started. His eyes had flitted over the book peeking out of Remus‘s bag, the one he was currently reading, thinking of the way it would fit perfectly onto Sirius‘s nightstand, discarded there when Remus was done with it for the night, when he would fall back into the pillows and shuffle closer to where Sirius would already be waiting for him.
Sirius, who was looking at him way too often, glancing his way, always. Staring at him while he stirred in a cauldron, his brows knitted and his sleeves rolled up, exposing the marks on his skin and the freckles Sirius admired in the summer and missed in the winter. And just like Sirius messed up his potions in class, his homework had laid abandoned on his lap, his quill inking clumsy lines onto his hands as he admired the golden light speckles the fire cast on Remus‘s face. Staring at his mouth, watching his lips move when he went over a paragraph again. It was a very pretty mouth. His bottom lip was fuller than the top one, forming a slight pout when he was thinking and his tongue, oh god, his tongue sticking out from time to time to wet his lips.
Unconsciously Sirius had moved closer to him on the loveseat they were sharing in front of the fireplace. Remus had looked up from his parchment, over to him. A blank stare at first, his brows raised, trying to figure him out. Then, his face had relaxed, his lips curling up into a tiny smile just for him, just for Sirius. He had put down his quill, turning to Sirius. And the look he had given him, his eyes suddenly filling up with affection and warmth. The look Sirius always hoped for because it made his stomach tingle and his toes curl and suddenly it was all too much, sharing the tight space with Remus, their bodies already warmed by the fire. Their shoulders knocking against each other, Sirius‘s knees against Remus‘s legs on the couch, and his face so close. So close to Remus and his face and his deep eyes and his warm skin and his beautiful, beautiful mouth.
And without thinking he had reached out his hands, grabbing at Remus‘s sweater, feeling the fuzzy wool under his fingertips, letting it encapsulate him. He had pulled closer without ever taking his eyes off Remus like he was a lifeline, the only thing important enough to look at, his own personal sun he would orbit around for the rest of his life if he would let him. And Remus had raised his hand, stretching it out to tuck a loose strand of Sirius‘s hair behind his ear and when his knuckles grazed his scalp, Sirius‘s eyelids had honest to god fluttered as he had tried to enjoy every millisecond of Remus‘s warm touch while also preparing for the inevitable moment he would withdraw his fingers and avert his eyes off Sirius.
But when the touch behind his ear had disappeared, Remus hadn’t retracted his hand. He had let it linger in the air for what had felt like an eternity to Sirius, and then, Sirius had no idea what he had done in his previous life to deserve this, maybe he had saved a ton of children from a tsunami or something, but Remus had put his big warm hand on the side of Sirius‘s head, cupping his face and letting his long thumb graze his cheek. And at that moment, Sirius had known he could no longer hold back. All the floodgates had been opened and just for a second, his sappy thoughts had oozed out of him, his brain no longer able to control them and he had surged forward, pressing impossibly closer to Remus, careful to keep his hand on his cheek because otherwise, he might have combusted on the spot.
And so he had found himself in this terrible, terrible situation. Face to face with Remus entirely. Eyes to eyes, nose to nose, and, like a cheesy scene from one of Sirius‘s wildest dreams, mouth to mouth, lips to lips.
Sirius‘s sudden jerk had startled Remus and his breath hitched for a moment and Sirius could feel it fan over his chin, could smell the hot chocolate and even if he definitely wanted to curl up and die, he was certain he never wanted to smell anything else ever again.
Nervously, Sirius‘s eyes searched for Remus‘s, trying to assure that if he wanted him to move away he just had to say a word, a single word or maybe even just a noise, and Sirius would jump back, retract all his limbs and make sure to wipe the memory of every person in this room just to make up for his mistake.
But there was nothing. No panic in Remus‘s eyes, no discomfort, no disgust. Just the same flustered look Sirius could also feel on his face and suddenly there were lips on his own and he felt his heart do an embarrassing little stutter and maybe it stopped completely but he didn‘t care because the only thing in the world was Remus’s lips on his lips and his fingers on his cheek and his eyes on his face and his nose touching Sirius‘s and maybe Sirius‘s heart really had stopped and swept him to an early death but if it did, then goddamn was he alright with it if he could die with Remus‘s mouth on his.
Logically, he was aware there were at least five pairs of eyes fixed on them, a couple of shocked faces and gaping mouths but at this moment he could not have cared less about anyone else in the room because he was kissing Remus Lupin and Remus Lupin was kissing him back.
Somewhere along the way, they had closed their eyes and even though Sirius missed Remus‘s eyes on him, he was grateful because he couldn‘t possibly have endured another second of that heavy look fixated on his lips without going absolutely bonkers.
With that distraction out of the way, he concentrated fully on pressing his lips to Remus‘s as close as he could. He didn‘t know if he was doing it right, all he knew was that he had to press closer and closer because he knew if he stopped, if he backed up just the tiniest centimetre, Remus would stop and he couldn‘t have that, he couldn‘t and the thought of losing Remus‘s touch, Remus‘s skin on his, his stroke against his cheekbone, was devastating and would probably shatter Sirius‘s heart into a thousand pieces. But maybe his worries were unfounded because Remus didn‘t seem to be interested in moving away anytime soon. Instead, he pressed just as close as Sirius did, smushing their noses together and knitting his brows against Sirius‘s forehead in concentration.
And suddenly there was movement and Sirius didn‘t know if it had been him pushing himself up onto Remus‘s lap or Remus pulling him closer, maybe it had been both, but suddenly he was hovering a bit over Remus, his legs to either side of Remus‘s thighs and his hands roaming upwards, never letting go of Remus‘s sweater but pushing down on his shoulders, clinging to him like he truly was the only thing keeping Sirius alive.
And then Remus‘s second hand finally found his neck and he pulled him closer, down, down until the gap they had so foolishly created between their lips finally closed again and Sirius felt like he could finally breathe again, so he did and he opened his mouth against Remus‘s slightly and like a blessing from god Remus followed his example and for a second Sirius was content just letting their breath mingle and intertwine until he felt like a part of Remus, their systems becoming one until Remus started moving his lips again and slowly, slowly pushed his tongue into Sirius‘s mouth and Sirius felt his brain short-circuit, cutting off every thought.
He was only a cluster of senses, his body tingling with Remus‘s touch on his cheek, his nape, ruffling his hair, their legs pressing together, their chests so close they were probably constraining each other’s lungs but it didn‘t matter because what sense made it to breathe air that didn‘t come out of Remus‘s mouth and what point was there in touching anything that wasn‘t a part of Remus.
And then there was a terrible, terrible force pushing him away and it was Remus‘s hand. Remus‘s hand had pulled from his cheek and Sirius wanted to cry because it was pressed to his chest but it was pushing him away from Remus and their lips were separated by the force and Sirius didn‘t understand and he had to open his eyes to search for the answer but the only thing he found was Remus‘s face, his beautiful face with those beautiful eyes and Sirius whimpered at how flushed Remus‘s cheeks looked and Remus‘s lips, his wonderful red lips, swollen from kissing, swollen from kissing Sirius‘s lips.
Sirius lost his thought process again, staring at Remus‘s mouth until it curled up into a rare bright smile, paired with that look full of warmth. “Breathe,” Remus whispered, his hand pressed to Sirius‘s shirt, directly over where his heartbeat wanted to explode and jump out of his chest just to be closer to Remus.
Sirius didn‘t want to do anything but look at Remus but if Remus wanted him to breathe, then that was probably the right thing to do. So he followed the instruction and suddenly he was aware of his surroundings again and even though he was still pressed close to Remus, clutching his sweater like he would never let go again, he suddenly noticed the others staring at them. The common room was quieter than it had ever been with everyone turned to them, waiting, not daring to speak.
But Sirius still only had eyes for Remus and Remus was still looking at him almost lovingly. Sirius thought of everything his love-drunk brain had rushed through in the past five minutes and he wished he had smoothed out the crinkled love letter he had put in his pocket weeks ago so he could string together his thoughts coherently and make Remus see and hear the bottomless sea of affection he had for him. But of course, nothing in Sirius‘s life ever went as he had planned and so the only thing his breathless voice whispered was “Wow, what the fuck.”
And apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel‘s back because Remus flushed like an overripe tomato and suddenly there were hands clapping on Sirius‘s back, multiple girls squealing and giggling and the loud voice of James screaming into his ear, shaking his shoulders. Sirius, who was still processing the whole situation, started grinning like crazy and looked shyly at Remus whose lap he was still sitting in. Remus, still pink on the nose, grinned back at him and took his hands. “What the fuck indeed, huh?”, he breathed into his ear and suddenly Sirius didn‘t care about the perfect moment for his love confession anymore because Remus was here and he wanted to kiss him and hold him even without a perfect date at the lake. He was here. That was the only thing that mattered.
And if Sirius invited Remus into his bed later that night and Remus put down his book on Sirius‘s nightstand and crawled under the sheets with him that was their secret to share and James‘s to blab out at the breakfast table.