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Eddy, for all his favorable qualities, has not been gifted with subtlety. He doesn’t bother hiding things when he’s around Brett, he lets himself be open, loud, easy to read. And so when he comes to Brett days before Christmas, knuckles clenched tight and face drawn with anxiety, Brett’s heart drops. Because he knows what’s about to be said. Because he knows how he’ll answer. Because he knows how everything will change.
Brett, for all his favorable qualities, has not been gifted with tact. He does his best to remain impassive as Eddy stutters through a confession. He tries to respond, to explain, to let Eddy down easy, but Eddy has always been able to tell what his real intentions are and Brett is sure that his eyes have given it all away. He’s never been good at hiding things from Eddy after all.
Brett is still fumbling through an apology when Eddy opens his mouth. “How long?” he asks. “How long have you known?”
“I – I never thought you would ever—”
“Brett,” Eddy interrupts, voice shaking . “How long have you known?”
Brett swallows. “I don’t know,” he mutters. “Uni? High school? Earlier?”
“Frickin’ hell, Brett. Really? Am I that…?”
Brett exhales shakily. “You’re just…when you’re with me Eddy, you’re, I don’t know, different? The way you smile and laugh at my shitty jokes and look at me, it’s all just…different.”
“Different,” Eddy whispers. “Different.”
“Yeah,” Brett mumbles, unsure of what else to say.
Eddy turns to wipe at his reddening eyes. “S-so what? You want me to, like, move out or something?”
Brett’s blood runs cold. “No – Eddy, no – that’s not what I want at all, I just…you know I can’t return your – I can’t change my feelings. Towards you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah. I get it.” Eddy stands, pushing himself out of his chair. “I’m gonna – I’m going out. I’ll see you, yeah?”
“Right,” Brett says. “Of course. Do…do what you need to do, Eddy.”
“Thanks.” The shaking in Eddy’s voice breaks Brett into pieces.
The sound of their front door clicking shut sounds like a coffin closing. Brett throws his head back and closes his eyes and waits.
The sun sets as day turns to night and night turns to day.
Eddy doesn’t come back.
*
When Eddy doesn’t doesn’t return for two days, Brett starts to get worried. But he holds himself back, Eddy is an adult, he can make his own decisions, he doesn’t need Brett chasing after him like a frantic parent. Instead, he compromises and sends a text, asking if he’s okay. A response comes only a minute later, a confirmation and a smiling emoji. Brett smiles., exhaling in relief. Eddy will return when he’s ready.
*
After three days, Brett awakens to find Eddy at their dining table, sipping coffee and scrolling on his phone. He looks up as Brett pads into the dining room and sends him a weary smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“I made coffee.”
“Right,” Brett says. “Thanks.”
Eddy goes back to his phone as Brett pours himself coffee. They drink in silence.
Only after both mugs are in the dishwasher, Brett dares to open his mouth. “How are you?” he asks.
“I’m okay.” Eddy shrugs. “You?”
Brett can’t stop himself from snorting out a laugh. “I’ve been better,” he admits. “Glad you’re back.”
“Me, too.”
*
Christmas comes and goes, then the new year. They don’t talk about Eddy’s confession. They practice violin and play games and spend days together. Life goes on.
*
Eddy starts dating Ava a year later. She’s a friend of a friend, kind and sweet and a killer oboe player. Brett likes her. She makes Eddy happy and in the depths of his soul, he breathes a sigh of relief. Eddy has moved on. Eddy has found someone else. Eddy has found happiness with somebody who isn’t Brett.
*
They break up just shy of their fourth anniversary. It’s mutual, she’s gotten an offer to a symphony orchestra in her family’s home country and Eddy would never dash her opportunities.
“I’m sorry,” Eddy apologizes on their last night together. “I don’t want to hold you back.”
Ava laughs, bright and free, the same one that Eddy had fallen in love with over the years. “I think I was the one holding you back, Eddy.” She smiles knowingly. “It’s always been him after all, right?”
The next day, he sees her off at the airport. He cries, just a little, and with a watery smile he hugs her tight and tells her to keep in touch.
*
Five more years pass by in the blink of an eye. Eddy doesn’t date again. Brett never mentions it, but he’s definitely noticed. On the eve of Eddy’s 39th birthday, Eddy approaches him again. After 10 years, his subtlety has improved, but not by much. Brett can still pick out that particular glint in his eye.
When Eddy confesses this time, there’s no stumbling, just self-assured confidence that can only be built over years of introspection. “I’ve been in love with you for twenty-five years,” he says, casual, as though he’s simply reporting the weather. “Will you try with me, just once?”
Brett thinks back on the life they’ve shared, the two and a half decades of friendship. He thinks of all the times he’s been there for Eddy, all the times Eddy has been there for him. He thinks of the days and nights they’ve spent together, thinks of when the lines of friendship and relationship have blurred. He considers what’s in front of him, what has always been in front of him.
“Okay,” he says. “We can try.”
Eddy’s smile is as radiant as the sun itself.
Epilogue
“Aren’t we a bit old for this?” Eddy asks, scanning the wide hall of the fifth venue they’ve toured. “We’ve been married for years, do we really need this?”
“You’re never too old for a wedding,” Ava says sagely.
“It’ll be fun,” Brett says, taking Eddy’s hand in his own. “It’s us, isn’t it?”
“Saps,” Ava mutters, wandering off to avoid their disgusting couple energy. “Gross.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Eddy says fondly, the king of sappiness itself. He knocks their shoulders together and smiles.
“It’s us.”
fin