Chapter 1: M&Ms
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Edward: I'm sorry. Please talk to me.
Garp:
Edward: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure?
Garp: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms.
Chapter 2: Yeah No I Give Up On Titles
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Edward: How the hell are you still alive?
Garp: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.
Chapter 3: Chapter 3
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Garp: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.
Edward:
Edward: I like you.
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Garp: We can't lose. Because we have this. *points to his chest*
Edward: We have heart?
Garp: Heart? No, me. I'm pointing at myself. I'm going to win this for us.
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Edward: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.
Garp: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.
Edward: ...
Edward: You mean ring bearER, right?
Garp: ...
Edward: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.
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Garp: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Edward and not do the thing,
Garp: Well there’s a clear right answer here.
Garp: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*
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Edward: I can't imagine what Garp is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.
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Edward: We all have our demons.
Edward, grabbing Garp: This one’s mine.
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Edward: Did it hurt when you fell-
Garp: From heaven? Wow, I didn’t think you were such a flirt-
Edward: No, I meant when you fell down the stairs.
Garp: ...
Edward: You just laid there for 15 minutes.
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*Garp and Edward playing minecraft*
Garp: Oh no, oh no, oh no-
Edward: What’s wrong?
Garp: I did a thing.
Edward: You regret the thing you dID-
Garp: *screams*
Edward: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-
Garp: *screams again*
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Edward: When you've been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin.
Garp: Navy blue isn't your color.
Edward: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! *Chases after Garp*
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Edward: petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday
Garp: Wednesay
Edward: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible
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Edward: Violence isn't the answer.
Garp: You’re right.
Edward: *sighs in relief*
Garp: Violence is the question.
Edward: What?
Garp, bolting away: And the answer is yes.
Edward, running after him: NO-
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Edward: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.
Garp: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life
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Edward: Garp, do you love me?
Garp: Of course I do!
Edward: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
Garp: Well, of course I… would…
Edward: I mean something really, really—
Garp: Edward, what did you do?
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Edward: Garp, can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.
Garp, wearing a hoodie that's a million times bigger than himself: Spooky.
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Garp: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?
Edward: Aww-
Garp: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!
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Edward: Go fuck yourself.
Garp: Come over here and fuck me yourself you coward!
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Garp: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...
Edward: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.
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Edward: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.
Garp: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
Edward: They're not.
Garp: Haha, very funny.
Edward: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
Garp: No... what happened?
Edward: ...Why would you fall for this again-
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Garp: Fellas, I gotta know for science. Is the opposite of red green or blue?
Edward: Technically a mix of green and blue?
Garp: So blurple.
Edward: That's implying you're mixing blue and purple.
Garp: Would you rather have fucking bleen? MOTHERFUCKING GRUE?
Edward: You were confusing before but now I'm scared.
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Garp: Slash gamemode creative.
Edward: Garp, this isn't Min-
Garp: *starts levitating*
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Garp: I need to dye my hair.
Edward: ...
Garp: Or get another tattoo.
Edward: ...
Garp: Or a new piercing.
Edward: Why?
Garp: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.
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Edward: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...
Garp, nodding: Knife Monopoly.
Edward: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.
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Garp: *slams books down in front of Edward*
Garp: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night.
Edward: You could of said literally anything else.
Garp: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.
Edward: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now.
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Garp: Why are you on fire?
Edward: This is just how my day is going.
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Garp: *closes a cabinet*
*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door*
Edward: What was that?
Garp: The sound of someone else's problem.
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Garp: honk.
Edward: WHAT.
Garp: HONK.
Edward: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????
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*While planning to break in somewhere*
Edward: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"
Garp: What?
Edward: "Get Help."
Garp: No.
Edward: C'mon, you love it!
Garp: I hate it.
Edward: It's great! It works every time!
Garp: It's humiliating.
Edward: Do you have a better plan?
Garp: No.
Edward: We're doing it!
Garp: We are not doing "Get Help!"
*A Minute Later*
Edward, carrying Garp: Get help! Please! He's dying! Help Him! *throws Garp at guards, knocking them out like some bowling pins*
Edward: Ahh, classic!
Garp: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.
Edward, laughing: Not for me, it's not.
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Edward: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet.
Garp: Why’d you get banned?
Edward: Touched the rat.
Garp: … What rat?
Edward: Chunky Cheese.
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Edward: The Ocean is a soup.
Garp:
Garp: Do elaborate.
Edward: What are needed for something to be a soup?
Garp: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.
Edward: *Tilts head*
Garp: The Ocean is a Soup.
Edward: The Ocean is a Soup.
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Garp: Can I ask you for a favor?
Edward: I would literally die for you, but continue.
Garp: We need to talk about you starting sentences that way.
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Garp: *nudges Edward at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Edward? Wake up, Edward! Listen! They're sexless!
Edward: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.
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Garp: Lol. Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you’ll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this.
Edward: What did you do Garp?
Garp: a Mistake.
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Garp: Fight me!
Edward, standing behind him and holding his bisento: *mouths* Do not.
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Edward: *on the phone with Garp* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.
Edward: Anyways, you said Marco is enjoying finger painting! That's great.
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Edward: Do we have any orange juice left?
Garp: *pours the remaining juice into his cup*
Garp: Sorry, we’re all out.
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Edward: Don’t worry, I have a permit.
Garp: ...This just says “I can do what I want”.
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*Edward and Garp looking at a locked gate into a park*
Edward: Aw. :(
Garp: You know what they say.
Edward: Please don’t-
Garp: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*
Edward: Fuck-
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Edward: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*
Garp: Where did you get that?
Edward: My pocket.
Garp: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?
Edward: Skills.
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Edward, admiring a sleeping Garp: You’re so cute.
Garp, sleepily: I could beat your ass.
Edward, lovingly: I know.
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Garp: You believe me?
Edward: Garp, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.
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Garp: Given the circumstances, I will let you hug me for four to five seconds.
Edward: Forty five seconds?!?
Garp: No! I said four TO five seconds.
Edward, hugging Garp: Too late.
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Edward: May luck (and this picture of Garp eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.
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Edward walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Garp, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.
Garp, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)
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Edward: Can I have some?
Garp, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it.
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Garp: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?
Edward: wHat?
Garp: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.
Edward: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?
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Edward: Why is there blood everywhere?
Garp: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Edward: You stabbed someone?!
Garp: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.
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Garp: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.
Edward: Go the fuck to sleep Garp.
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Garp: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!
Edward: Oh? Even more humiliating than-
Garp: We are not doing this!
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Edward: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?
Garp: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
Edward: Yes.
Garp: I'd sleep.
Chapter 52
Summary:
Road trip was over like a week ago but I'm still going bc why not
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Garp: That was so hot, Edward.
Edward: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.
Garp: I'm so in love with you.
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Garp: Edward, you love me, right?
Edward: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like.
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Edward: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
Garp: Peonies, why?
Edward:
Garp: Were you going to get me flowers?
Edward:
Garp:
Edward: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ
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Garp: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.
Edward: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.
Garp: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??
Edward: Is it working?
Gigi_chan13 on Chapter 5 Sun 21 Apr 2024 06:11AM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 13 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:30PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 14 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:31PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 17 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:32PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 18 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:33PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 24 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:34PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 27 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:37PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 28 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:38PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 31 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:39PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 37 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:41PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 48 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:43PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 53 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:45PM UTC
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crazykittylover on Chapter 55 Tue 06 Jun 2023 06:46PM UTC
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thestarsinbetween on Chapter 55 Thu 10 Oct 2024 04:32PM UTC
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