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1.
It’s so agonizing, and so irritating. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days, days felt like months. The image of a dark corpse-littered classroom was burned into the backs of Yuuta’s eyelids.
He yearned to wallow in his room all day, away from the window because he didn’t want the world to see his unsightly pale face, but the dark only drudged up the painful memories again. He instead found solace in the mind-numbing blue light of his cell phone.
Until his teachers started emailing him. He winced and gently set the device down, opting to curl up in bed and just pray whatever god was out there would take pity on him and strike him down already.
The hands of his bed were warm and inviting, so soothing, but Yuuta knew deep down it was all a facade. He knew he shouldn’t be laying in bed for hours upon hours but he couldn’t help it. He was so weak. When his bed beckoned him, he followed, and he knew it was an impulse but indulging himself just felt so good while it lasted. So he pretended the bed was welcoming, genuinely inviting, kind, and not a death trap where his depression would fester little by little and eventually…
It was too depressing to think about. Yuuta sighed.
He couldn’t sleep. For the past three days, Yuuta had only experienced nightmares. Nightmares about what Rika had done back at school. The blood, the twisted faces of his assailants, Rika’s manic screams as she relentlessly tore at and warped the bodies that were once human if you squinted.
Rika. As he laid there in bed, he could feel the familiar cursed energy around him, gently thrumming with caution and worry. Of course Rika would be concerned for him. He legitimately hadn’t gotten out of bed at all that day, nor had he eaten, save for a less than satisfactory pack of fruit gummies he found in his desk drawer. His source of hydration was a lukewarm bottle of water, leaving Yuuta’s head throbbing harder than before.
But he just couldn’t muster up the energy needed to get his sorry ass out of bed. And it was pathetic, wasn’t it? Yuuta was absolutely pathetic.
And when Yuuta felt pathetic, he would wonder.
Why am I incapable of changing my boring, miserable way of life?
Why was I born out of millions of sperm?
Why does someone as pathetic as me deserve to live…?
Yuuta often turned that last thought over and over in his head. It was tempting. Certainly Yuuta was not a stranger to suicidal thoughts. He’d often consider killing himself after a “fun” day of being bullied after school or when he really, truly thought about the state of his life and how he’d never, ever accomplish anything.
Someone like him couldn’t do anything. And it was tiring.
Why not do himself a favor?
He knew where it was. Yuuta reached under his bed, his underused limbs crying in pain as he fumbled for his target object in the dark. His palm finally settled on something cold and long. Eyes sparking in familiarity, Yuuta dragged the object out from under the bed and into his line of sight.
A knife.
He wasn’t sure why exactly, but knowing the object was in his room was a comfort for him. He took comfort in the fact that if anything was too much to bear, he could simply end it at any time.
And now was the perfect time. Nobody would find him for days. Nobody would care to look for him. Nobody could interfere, right?
Yuuta sighed. He’d write a suicide note, something to explain himself, but why even bother? After the massacre he’d caused days before, it was clear to anyone with a brain why he would try to end his life. Was he even important enough to warrant an explanation for his death? Probably not.
Might as well get it over with. Yuuta sat up in bed, rolling his sleeves up and pressing the cold, sharp edge of the knife to his wrist. He pressed the tip against his teal veins, drawing a deep breath and vowing to not chicken out. He deserved a slow, painful death like this.
He already felt calm and content. Free of the misery, free of himself.
“Yuuta?”
Immediately, Yuuta jerked up, his spasm causing him to lightly nick the top of his wrist with the knife, creating a tiny cut.
“R-Rika-chan…w-what is it?”
“Don’t hurt Yuuta.”
“W-what?” Yuuta immediately felt powerless beneath Rika’s intense cursed energy. A large, wet, grotesque hand snatched the knife out of his hands, smashing it in between its fist like it was nothing more than a flimsy wafer. When Rika loosened her grasp on the knife, letting it fall upon his bed, it barely resembled what it used to be. Yuuta winced, unsure of what he was supposed to be feeling at that moment. Angry? Terrified? Dejected?
“Yuu~ta…” Rika’s massive arms gently wrapped around his frail body, akin to a small, defenseless ant being held between two fingers. “Yuuta…don’t die…don’t die…”
It didn’t feel genuine. Not like the books he’d read and the movies he’d watched, where someone would hold the other and tell them how much they loved them, and how life was worth it, and that they genuinely cared for the other person. No. It felt possessive. Rika was a broken record; her sole purpose was to keep Yuuta alive. Every action she took stemmed from that singular role.
She didn’t care for Yuuta. Not in the way she used to. She only wanted him to live. In a literal sense.
Yuuta wanted to scream and wrench away, but he was terrified of the consequences. So he let Rika hold him, cooing words that brushed past Yuuta. He couldn’t feel what she said. He couldn’t. He couldn’t.
Yuuta already felt effectively dead.
2.
He couldn’t come out. He wouldn’t.
Even though Gojo had knocked on Yuuta’s door, shouting at him to get his ass up for school in a lighthearted, jovial fashion, not knowing what Yuuta felt behind the door.
Even though Maki grumbled at him, telling him that Gojo made her check on him, and that she needed a sparring partner, so hurry the hell up.
Even though Toge softly jiggled his doorknob with a “Takana?” dripping with concern that made Yuuta’s heart sink lower than he thought it could go.
Despite all that, Yuuta couldn’t leave the comfort of his room. He didn’t want to show himself to the world.
It had been a month since Yuuta had begun attending Jujutsu High, and everything went at least half-decently until this day. His depressive, self loathing thoughts had begun to seep through his timid but kind exterior and pervert his mind once again. He knew it would happen eventually; he’d never catch a break. Ever. He was Okkotsu Yuuta—he didn’t deserve a “break”.
Especially after ditching his kind classmates and his teacher who just wanted him to break out of his shell. What an asshole he was.
He wondered if they would care if he died right then. If they walked in on his lifeless body, what would they think?
Nothing, a voice told him. Why would they care? You’re so gloomy all the time. They’d be glad to be rid of you.
And Yuuta believed it. Those sweet, syrupy words that drew him into the pleasant world of self-loathing. Nobody would care about you. Nobody would care. They’d be better off without you.
So do what you must.
His gaze landed on the brown belt that hung upon the doorknob of his closet. He crawled over to it, taking the article into his hands and turning it over.
This will do.
He pulled one end of the belt tightly, as far as the notches would go, creating a makeshift noose. He tied it onto the doorknob and tilted his head, admiring his work. It was rather pathetic, but Yuuta hardly cared. Whatever works, works. Some dark part of his brain made a joke about DIY suicide, which made him chuckle to himself quietly in his delirium.
Without allowing himself a second thought, he sat with his back to the closet door, pushed his head through the loop, and leeeeaned downward.
It wasn’t pleasant. He couldn’t breathe, which made his head feel like it was full of pressure. Yuuta felt like a lifeless ragdoll as he sat limply, slowly watching his vision depart and listening to the painful throbbing in his head.
It wasn’t peaceful. Yuuta was okay with that. He could feel himself getting closer, and closer…
“What the fuck ?!”
Yuuta’s eyes drifted lazily toward the noise, but he couldn’t make out what was going on. Suddenly, his body was thrust away, onto the floor, the pressure disappearing from his neck. His body coughed and spasmed against his will, desperately gasping for wonderful, wonderful air. He was pathetic, hunched over the floor of his room, gaping and trembling like a fish out of water.
A hand jerked his shoulder up, and his eyes tried to focus on the figure in front of him. Ah, Maki. Her gaze was intense on him, almost angry at him.
“Maki,” he muttered, his brain still not catching up with his body.
“Okkotsu. How many fingers am I holding up?” She asked quickly, thrusting her hand in his face. In hindsight, she must’ve been checking to make sure Yuuta hadn’t been hanging long enough to damage his brain. Yuuta blinked away the confusion, focusing on the question he was suddenly asked. One, two…
“Th-three…”
Maki appeared satisfied, still practically glaring at him, smoothing down his shirt and feeling his throat. “I’m calling Gojo-sensei.”
The gravity of the situation hit Yuuta like a ton of bricks. He realized what he had done, and what Maki was about to do. “W-w-wait…! I…I can explain…”
“You will explain to him.”
“P-please, I’m- y-you know, I’m fine-“
“ Fine? You tried to hang yourself.” Her words were obviously true, but they stung Yuuta anyway. Gojo must’ve picked up at that moment. “Gojo-sensei. No, yes, it’s- it’s Okkotsu. He's just…you need to come. It’s serious.”
For reasons he didn’t fully grasp, Yuuta began to cry. Maki threw an odd look his way, as if she wasn’t sure what to do with him in this state. He felt so helpless, so pathetic.
In a fit of desperation, Yuuta reached for the belt on the floor. Why? He wasn’t sure. Maki was right there; obviously he couldn’t attempt again. He simply clutched it in his hands, rolling over and sobbing on the floor. Like a fucking toddler holding his teddy bear for comfort. Yuuta was so stupid, so childish.
Yuuta was pathetic.
3.
Three months had elapsed since that incident. Rika had left him for good, and things were basically back to normal. Yuuta actually felt content with his life. He had friends, a mentor, possibly a crush (Toge was quite alluring, to which the romantically inexperienced Yuuta didn’t know how to feel); things were certainly looking up.
He felt it at the train station.
“Shut up, Yuuji. Your immaturity is a weakness.”
“I’m serious! That bush I saw back there really did look like a peni-“
Megumi interrupted Yuuji with a whack to the back of his head, earning a laugh from the nearby Yuuta and Toge. Yuuji joined in, completely unfazed by the hit, to Megumi’s irritation.
Megumi sighed and checked the time. “‘Train should be here in ten minutes.”
Yuuta stared at Megumi’s watch, then shifted his gaze toward the train tracks.
He’d be lying if he hadn’t thought about it at least once.
Okay, maybe twenty times. At least twenty times in his life did Yuuta think about jumping onto the tracks and ending his life.
At the moment, Yuuta would consider himself passively suicidal. Over the past week, he’s felt better than ever, but the thoughts still swam within his head. It was like they were just a part of him, and would never leave, so Yuuta just accepted it and went along his merry way.
“Yuuta?”
Eyes flicking open, Yuuta turned around to look at who had spoken: Toge. Yuuji and Megumi were looking at him as well, silently.
“Yes? What is it?” Yuuta asked sheepishly, feeling nervous beneath their gaze.
Toge pointed at the ground Yuuta stood on, his eyes not leaving Yuuta’s face. “Takana? Tuna…” Yuuta looked down at himself in confusion before realizing what Toge was saying.
Yuuta had walked toward the train tracks absentmindedly, and was a mere couple feet away from danger.
“Oh. Haha. What?” Yuuta asked, badly feigning confusion. “J-just…um…getting closer to the…tracks. For when our train stops.”
While Yuuji and Megumi had returned to their antics, Toge was still fixated on Yuuta. His eyebrows were knitted in…some sort of sadness. He seemed unconvinced.
Of course everyone knew. Everyone knew that three months ago Yuuta tried to kill himself. And even before then, everyone knew Yuuta was suicidal, but after the incident it felt real. Especially to Toge, who would dote on him and constantly ask if he was okay in between their talks and lighthearted arguments about food and whatnot.
Yuuta could tell Toge sensed something within Yuuta at that moment, and Yuuta shied away from his accusatory but concerned attitude.
“Toge, help us settle an argument. Are pigeons really just government drones watching our every move?”
Megumi scoffed at Yuuji. “It’s not even an argument. It’s me stating fact and you being a dumbass.”
Toge reluctantly turned his attention from Yuuta and joined their conversation. Yuuta smiled weakly at them and turned back toward the tracks.
It was just an impulse.
Just a small impulse. Something nagging at him.
He shut his eyes. The three’s discussion in the back faded to white noise as he focused on the approaching rumbling of the train. It was quiet, almost undetectable, but Yuuta could hear it. And it wasn’t their stop, so it’d zoom right past.
He wanted to.
He was going to.
Just quickly and quietly.
Slip away.
It was stupid, he knew. So dumb. But Yuuta didn’t care much. Because the train’s rumbling was getting closer, and Yuuta’s decision was unwavering.
He didn’t care much that there were people around, nor that three of his best friends were behind him to witness such a tragedy.
He didn’t care. And he felt bad, but it wouldn’t matter to him after this.
Poor Toge.
Yuuta took a cautious step forward, then another. Past the yellow line. His foot hovered near the edge of the platform. The world around him melted away, and suddenly everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. His eyes flickered toward the approaching lights of the train before he took a step downward.
Roaring. Bright, blinding light. The train’s cry in his ears. So loud.
Yuuta’s eyes were screwed shut, his body catapulted in some direction as the train screamed…past him.
Cold.
“ Yuuta! Yuuta!”
Very cold. Oh, warm. Warm on his chest. Cold everywhere else. He looked down at himself. A hand on his chest. Toge. He blinked slowly. He must be dead. Of course, he remarked inwardly, Toge would be his angel in the afterlife. Funny how that worked.
“ Yuuta.”
Yuuta’s eyes widened, getting the full view of Toge.
He was crying. His face was scrunched in a way Yuuta had never seen from him, his turtleneck down revealing his sigils. He was breathing erratically, clearly panicked. The train whizzed a ways behind him. Yuuta must’ve been pushed quite far back onto the platform.
Yuuta was speechless as Toge pulled him in, hugging him so tightly, practically suffocating him.
So Toge had saved him. He wasn’t dead. Although it hurt to admit with his crush on top of him, looking devastated, Yuuta wished he had succeeded this time.
“ Yuuta… ” Toge sniffled and gingerly lifted Yuuta’s paralyzed body off of the ground and into an embrace. Yuuji and Megumi had approached far before, looking upon Yuuta in worry and fear, but all Yuuta felt was Toge’s arms. Wrapped around him tightly, both saying “thank god you’re still alive” and “you aren’t going anywhere.”
Yuuta didn’t realize he was crying until Toge was swiping at his tears, smoothing down his hair, beautiful face still plastered with grief, as if he had envisioned Yuuta’s death and already mourned him in the three-second window he had to rescue Yuuta.
Damn it. Yuuta wanted to die. Figuratively speaking, now; how could he have hurt Toge’s feelings like this? He weakly returned Toge’s hug, pressing his wet face into the crook of his shoulder. “I’m sorry…” he quietly choked. Toge shushed him.
“Takana, o-okaka.”
“I’m sor….”
“ Okaka .”
An embrace warmer than that of death. Yuuta almost believed everything would be alright.
+1
“Stupid, stupid, stupid. ”
Yuuta bit back a sob as he pressed the blade of his prized box cutter against his lower wrist and sliced, creating a thick horizontal cut. Blood dripped down the side of his scarred arm, a beautiful sight that Yuuta observed for longer than a mentally well person would.
Yuuta took it upon himself to punish himself from time to time. Today he had failed to land even a single hit on Maki and Toge during sparring, neither of whom went easy on Yuuta.
Therefore he was a weak failure, wasting the time and energy of his classmates, therefore he had to cut. Having developed a tolerance to the pain since middle school, Yuuta had to cut deeper now. Yuuta had to cut more frequently now. Yuuta had to cut not just his wrists, but his thighs, and even on his stomach.
And it stung, it stung like shit, but that’s exactly what he deserved, right?
Yuuta got up from the toilet and headed toward the sink, his free palm held beneath his cut wrist to catch any blood droplets from splattering onto the floor. Once over the sink, Yuuta let the water run over his wrist, unable to hold back a whine from the pain. He scrubbed the cuts and gently slathered with soap, watching the blood flow down the drain. He felt rather woozy from his session. Plus from seeing so much blood.
Before the cuts could start bleeding again, Yuuta wrapped them in bandages from under the sink. Satisfied, Yuuta then pulled his sleeve down and examined his arm. Perfectly fine. Couldn’t tell anything was wrong.
Even though absolutely everything within Yuuta’s head that could go wrong was going wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Everything. Wrong. Purge. Die. Wrong. Bad.
Yuuta clutched his head, nearly tearing his hair out. He fumbled for the bathroom doorknob and stumbled out into the hallway, immediately releasing the grasp on his head and smoothing himself down. He literally had to pull his face down to stop it from scrunching up in agony.
Fine.
He’s all good.
It’s not like he’s already marked the day for his suicide.
Which was tonight.
Yuuta was sick. Sick and tired. Sick and tired of failing. He was such a failure that he couldn’t even kill himself properly. How…pathetic.
This time he would do it. This time Yuuta had an actual plan.
He would sneak out in the middle of the night, get far, far away from Jujutsu High, into one of the nearby wooded areas, and quietly hang himself. It sounded peaceful. No painful cutting. No impulsive hanging from the doorknob. No roaring of a train, crushing his body to nothing but a bloody mess. Just him in the forest. Calmly, slowly dying.
Yuuta had packed for this moment. He’d learned how to tie a noose, bought one of those collapsable stools, and brought a photo.
A polaroid photo of Toge. From Toge’s 18th birthday, a snapshot of Yuuta’s arm around him, and Toge gazing at Yuuta as he laughed, his sweater neck down to reveal his sigils and his beautiful teeth. So candid. So real. And despite the darkness around him, it made Yuuta so happy.
He knew it was sappy, so, so sappy. But he had to. For sentimentality. And that was all that was in the bag he slung over his shoulder, padding down the dormitory hallways and in front of the door leading outside.
It was nighttime, probably midnight, but Yuuta didn’t bring his phone with him. Outside was so peaceful; for the first time in forever, Yuuta thought it such a shame that he couldn’t properly appreciate the beauty of the outdoors. That he holed himself in his room most of the time, and resented the moments where he actually had to be outside.
But the starlit sky was beautiful, and as he opened the door, the wind on his face was better than any sensation he’d ever felt.
Did everyone get this feeling of admiration for the world before they killed themselves?
“Konbu?”
Yuuta froze, slowly turning. He obviously already knew who it was that faced him.
“Toge,” he breathed. “Hi.”
Toge tilted his head, looking Yuuta up and down with concern. Concern was all anyone had felt towards him lately. Everyone was on edge, constantly monitoring Yuuta to make sure he didn’t try to off himself again. It was pitiful. Even Toge was doing it, although Yuuta couldn’t blame him. And he knew Toge did genuinely care for Yuuta, differently than everyone else.
“Tuna mayo?” Toge asked, gesturing toward Yuuta and then his bag. What was Yuuta supposed to say in this situation? He opted to say nothing. Toge didn’t press, instead taking a step forward. Then another, as he opened the door wider and walked outside. Yuuta watched dumbly, frozen in place before Toge turned and beckoned Yuuta to follow.
Yuuta followed.
Toge wasn’t sure where they were going, so Yuuta led.
His legs took him to the forest nearby, even though it was a dumb idea, but that was his original plan, anyway. Every step they took, Toge was looking at Yuuta. Studying him, watching his footsteps, the way his arms swayed, his expressions. Everything. Yuuta knew Toge was watching him; he was used to being stared at.
Nonetheless, Yuuta couldn’t help but feel worried.
“Here,” Yuuta muttered, coming up on a dark but beautiful forest. Toge looked all around the area, and Yuuta finally met his gaze. “Um. Wanna take a walk with me?”
Toge suddenly stared at Yuuta with unbelieving eyes. He almost looked broken, which perturbed Yuuta.
“Wh…what’s wrong, Toge?” He asked.
Toge glanced to the side, pointing to the sign behind him. Yuuta peered at it.
“Life is a precious gift from your parents.
Think once more about your parents, siblings, or children.
You don’t have to suffer alone. Please reach out.
Call this number…”
Yuuta’s stomach lurched, realizing how idiotic he was.
He’d led Toge to a fucking suicide forest of all places.
And, of course, Yuuta had picked that site to kill himself specifically for that reason. Something must’ve been in the air on the walk there for Yuuta to completely forget, because nobody could be that stupid.
Suddenly, Toge stomped toward Yuuta, grabbing the strap of his bag and trying to yank it away. Yuuta, in a panic, pulled back.
“N-no, Toge- Toge, no, it’s- no!”
Toge was the stronger of the two, ripping the bag away from Yuuta’s shoulder. In one swift motion, Toge unzipped the bag and dumped it over, the objects that fell out making him audibly gasp.
Toge’s lavender eyes stared at the noose on the ground, then up at Yuuta. His head shook slightly.
And Yuuta broke down.
He fell onto his knees, uncaring of the rough stony ground scraping at his fragile skin. Immediately, Toge was there, wrapping his arms around him, stroking his hair.
But that wasn’t fucking fair, was it? Yuuta was scaring the shit out of Toge. Toge was scared. Not just worried. Scared. He knew because Toge was trembling just as much as Yuuta was.
Yuuta was selfish. Yuuta was selfish. How could he subject his friend to something like this? He was messed up.
Yuuta shushed Toge, wrenching him away and shaking his head, resigned sobs escaping his lips.
“You don’t deserve this,” Yuuta whined. “You…I-I hurt you…I…you…I-I’m so sorry…I’m scaring you, aren’t I…”
Toge’s eyes widened, and he shook his head back. “O-okaka! Takana. T-takana?” Toge’s hand rested on Yuuta’s cheek, wiping his tears, face scrunching up sadly. It broke Yuuta’s heart.
“I…I…I’m in pain. A-and I dunno what…to do.” Yuuta hiccuped, sobs taking over his ability to speak. Toge simply squeezed Yuuta’s shoulder through it, waiting patiently until Yuuta was okay to speak. “I…I keep thinking if I kill…myself…everything will be fine…nobody will care…everyone would be f-fine without m…m…”
“I CARE!”
Cursed energy rushed through Yuuta, simply gliding past him as the words had no command to them. Toge covered his mouth in shock as he realized he’d spoken. “Yuuta-“
“No! No, no, it’s okay. It’s fine.” Yuuta couldn’t bring himself to smile, but he sniffled and looked up at Toge in admiration. “I…did you mean it?”
“Shake!” Toge yelled for the world to hear. He meekly looked around. “I…I do care. Of…course I care…”
Yuuta almost started sobbing again, but he pulled himself together.
“Tuna Mayo.”
Yuuta looked up, meeting Toge’s beautiful tear-laced eyes once again.
“I’m guessing you want me to talk?” Yuuta suggested. Toge nodded, clasping a hand over Yuuta’s as if to say I’m here. I’m listening.
Yuuta drew in a breath.
“Every day…every day I’m- it’s hopeless. It feels hopeless. I-I just…I’m pathetic, and…every day is so hard for me…every day is so painful, and scary, and hopeless…and I’m pathetic…” he looked up to see Toge sadly shaking his head at him, denying the cruel things Yuuta claimed about himself. “I think…nobody would notice if I die, anyway…so I might as well end the pain. I-I’m sorry- I-“
“Okaka, Yuuta.” Toge rested soft hands on Yuuta’s shoulders. Never had Yuuta felt so understood by anyone. Without Toge ever saying it outright, Yuuta knew Toge loved him, and worried about him, and wanted him to live.
Toge set a hand on the ground, perking up suddenly as his palm caught something. Yuuta looked to see what he had found.
Toge pulled some piece of paper from the ground, turning it over and gazing at it in awe. Tears filled his eyes once again, and he looked up at Yuuta.
“Huh? W-what is it?” Yuuta questioned. Toge lowered his head so as to not show his face as he cried, pushing the paper into Yuuta’s hand.
It was his photo. The one he had brought, that must have fluttered to the ground when Toge shook his belongings out.
Yuuta’s eyes softened. He committed every detail of the photograph to memory.
Toge’s eyes that were crinkled up in a smile. The smudge of cake on his chin. Yuuta’s own genuine smile. With teeth, and dimples. Yuuta’s hand on the table. Yuuta’s other hand on Toge’s shoulder. The light from the birthday candles. Yuuji’s shoulder that could just barely be seen to the left.
Oh, and he understood now. He understood what he needed to live for. He didn’t need a reason to live; he didn’t need to do anything spectacular with his life. And he certainly didn’t need the grief and pain and sorrow that followed him ever since that gloomy day when Rika was taken from him.
He needed healing. He needed love. He needed moments like that photograph, when Yuuta forgot about his sadness and simply lived in the moment freely.
Yuuta was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice Toge crying too. Words were unnecessary, so they just cried. Crying is okay, too. Maybe being sad was okay. But it didn’t have to overtake Yuuta’s life.
Toge held a trembling hand out, asking to see the photograph again. Yuuta obliged, and Toge smiled as he took the shiny paper into his hand, then looked back at Yuuta. Yuuta returned the smile, genuinely. He was too weak for it to fully reach his eyes, or for his teeth to show, like in the photo, but Toge seemed pleased either way.
“I…” Toge paused, giving Yuuta a moment to prepare for the cursed energy that would wash over him. “I’m so glad you’re alive, Yuuta.”
Yuuta sniffled and beamed, a quiet laugh daring to leave his throat. Toge blushed, eyes widening just slightly as he looked away, past Yuuta, anywhere but into his eyes.
Toge seemed uneasy; he wanted to speak, but wasn’t sure of the effect the specific words would have on Yuuta. He pointed to his mouth, asking for confirmation.
“I’ll block the energy. Say what you want,” Yuuta encouraged.
Toge nodded. “If you need to talk, Yuuta…I’m here. You aren’t alone. I’m serious, I’ll be there for you. Any time. I mean, I can distract you, or we can talk about it, or…sorry,” Toge apologized, noticing the strain Yuuta was putting on himself by blocking Toge’s cursed speech.
“It’s…fine,” Yuuta gasped, releasing the strain as if he’d been holding his breath. “Th-thank you. So much. I’m serious. I…I’ll try to reach out. I’m sorry, it might be hard.”
Toge nodded in understanding, a kind smile on his face as he patted Yuuta’s shoulder. “Shake. Takana.” Yuuta once again returned the gesture.
Toge looked up at the sky. “Tuna tuna.” Yuuta looked up as well.
“Ah, it is getting dark, isn’t it? Um…we can head back now. S-sorry for dragging you here. And…”
“Okaka, Yuuta. Tuna tuna.” Toge stood up, stretching, then offered his hand to Yuuta. Yuuta accepted, accidentally stepping on something. The noose.
His breath hitched at the sight of it, stepping away as if scared of the inanimate object. With a frown, Toge yanked at the rope and shoved it into Yuuta’s bag, along with the stool. Yuuta assumed he would dispose of it when they got back to the school. He watched as Toge looked at Yuuta’s photo one last time before returning it to him. Yuuta put it in his pocket, gently.
He glanced behind himself, one last time, at the sign.
“You don’t have to suffer alone. Please reach out.”
“Let’s go home,” Yuuta said softly. Toge nodded, and they began walking, the soft crunching of dirt and grass calming Yuuta. It was so beautiful outside that day.
“Th-thank you…for what you did. I mean- I’m sorry, I know you didn’t want to do all that, but…thank you for pulling my head out of my ass, I guess.” Yuuta smiled faintly. “I mean…I’m not gonna feel better overnight, I know. But…I feel like I have the courage to like, um…talk to you now. Sorry, that’s dumb-“
“Okaka.” Toge interlocked their hands and then turned to gaze at Yuuta. “Konbu.”
With their school approaching on the horizon, Yuuta wanted to believe he could make the change. He wanted to believe he wasn’t pathetic, or worthless, or hopeless.
He believed it to be true that his life was worth living.
EPILOGUE
“Oh, you suck. Fuck you. Dick.”
Toge laughed at Yuuta’s irritation, raising his controller in the air and fist pumping. Toge always beat Yuuta’s ass in Super Smash Bros, and Yuuta had merely accepted it at that point. But playing with his boyfriend was undeniably fun either way.
Yes, boyfriend. Toge had enough of Yuuta’s poorly veiled lies and confessed the truth, with neither of them in disagreement. They’d been together for five months, and Yuuta had never been so happy in this entire life.
Ever since the incident six months ago, Yuuta was slowly and steadily getting better. He had a handful of bad nights and breakdowns that left him sobbing and feeling like his old broken, pathetic self. But now Yuuta had Toge. Someone by his side who genuinely, truly loved him.
His other friends watched Yuuta improve and felt less uneasy around him (they spent many a nights playing uno or Mario Kart together, most of which ended in screaming and fighting, but Yuuta loved it), and they became closer than ever.
Sometimes, Yuuta took pride in the fact that he was the one who pushed himself. He told Toge how he felt back then, and now he felt less alone and afraid. And maybe, just maybe, eventually, he’ll feel all better again.
Well, he knew deep down depression was a bitch and he would never fully heal, but that was okay. What he had now was enough, as well as everything to come later.
But now, Yuuta had Toge, who was rubbing in his seventh victory and gently punching Yuuta in the arm.
“Okay, I-I get it, you’re a tryhard. Haha, j-joking,” Yuuta laughed. Toge stared at him in mock-disbelief before tackling him onto the bed and “attacking” him with kisses and light punches. Yuuta laughed, trying to resist before flopping down and accepting his fate.
Toge sat up and gazed down at Yuuta, whose hair was messy (but clean!) and pupils blown wide out of adoration for his boyfriend.
“I…” Toge began. “I love you.”
Yuuta blushed, sitting up with Toge. “I-I love you…too.” He smiled widely, showing his dimples, to which Toge practically melted over in a puddle of oh god he’s so cute aa why-
Toge kissed Yuuta on the nose, wrapping him into a hug. Now was Yuuta’s turn to melt, so he did, right into Toge’s plush arms.
He was glad to be alive.
He never thought he would’ve said that years ago. Years ago, when Rika died. Last year, when he tried to die after the accident at his old school. Early that year, when he tried time after time again to die, hopelessness washing over him and corrupting him, convincing him he was disgusting and not worth love or effort.
But Toge pulled Yuuta out of that horrifying fog once and for all.
Yuuta was so, so glad to be alive.