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“Why? Why are you doing this?”
“It’s a test of training. You need to pass to carry on the family business.”
“It hurts … it hurts. Daddy, please!”
“This is to help you get stronger.”
“Mommy … mommy can I go now? I don’t like it here.”
“Shut your mouth, Kil! You’ve misbehaved again! I warned you what would happen if you did!”
“My arms hurt. My feet hurt. I’m hungry …”
“Pain is part of life, Kil. You’ll have to get used to it eventually.”
“No! Mom … Mom, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
“Sorry is not what I want to hear right now, dear Kil!”
“Please let me go! Nii-san … Nii-san please!”
“Not until you can break your way free. Ropes should be useless against you. Chains will become like scrap. Break your way free.”
“B-Break … ”
“… Break my way free.”
To him, the words were a barely audible whisper like the echo of a drop of water in a large cave. It’d been hours since he’d returned home after at least a week of freedom. Freedom that was too good to be true. After attacking his mother and his brother, Milluki, he’d found refuge in a ‘test’ used for Hunters. He’d gone in expecting to have some fun without being dragged down by rules, regulations and relatives. He’d been pleasantly surprised to find that it had been a liberation for him. In that short time, he’d found something he’d longed for his entire youth: friends.
Now, as the manacles of the rusty, old chains rubbed against his bony wrists and as his ribs began to ache from suspension, he wondered if it was really worth it. Was all of this worth anything? He’d met three people he’d call friends, one of which he could easily put into the category of 'best’ friend. His heart lept as he heard their voices in his head: Gon’s bright laughter, Kurapika’s gentle compliments, Leorio’s boisterous but amusing yelling. They were the friends he’d been looking for. He bunched up his fists as they lie imprisoned in the manacles and tensed up his muscles. Ropes were nothing. Chain was like scrap to him. He could leave whenever he wanted to if he was prepared to injure, and maybe even kill, his Mother and Milluki again.
But this was his choice. He’d come home by his own accord. Because, in the end, he ended up hurting them. Just like Father had said. Just like Mother had said. Just like Illumi had said. He’d lost more than just the exam; he’d lost his friends.
He could see their faces at the scene as his hands ripped through the man’s chest effortlessly. The expressions meant nothing to him as he spilled blood all over the floor and onto himself, but as he thought back, he could recall so much shock and pain twisted into their faces. Fear. Fear of who he really was deep inside. Fear of who he’d been molded to be. His sore, tired muscles relaxed and his head fell limp again against his bruised chest.
I can’t do it. I can’t! Tears brimmed on his eyelids. I can’t break free! I don’t know why … why can’t I free myself? Why can’t I be anyone else? Why did I do such things to my family? Why did I think I could do things on my own? Why did I ever leave this place? I’m a monster, from birth. And monsters … don’t need friends.
“Yeah … I don’t need friends.” He forced a few tears out of his eyes, the salt stinging a bit against his cheeks. "They’ve probably forgotten about me anyway. After everything I did … I’d forget about me too.“
It was strange. He thought nothing could hurt him. The pangs from the whip didn’t sting. The aches from being suspended in the air for so long hardly gave him something to sneeze at. In fact, watching Milluki try so hard to punish him was more amusing than painful. Yet, he’d never felt so hurt in his entire life. Like someone had stabbed a hot metal rod into his chest and left a piece of it inside his heart to smolder.
Is that what Illumi had meant by breaking free?