Archive of Our Own ^beta

Thanksgiving

Kara gets a boyfriend and it’s okay, it’s fine. Because Mike is funny and kind and sweet and gets along with virtually everyone.

He brings Kara fake flowers so they never die, always shares his food, and Lena’s pretty sure he’s been stealing clothes from Kara’s closet because that checkered button up he’s wearing looks suspiciously familiar and not at all nauseating.

Kara gets a boyfriend and it’s great, really.

Except… except it’s Thanksgiving and he brought a pillowcase filled with fluff, “stuffing”. He ribs the joke at Lena like she’s in on it. Winn whoops and high fives him, and Kara laughs and laughs and laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world. Lena takes a large sip of her beer that she doesn’t even like but Alex watches the scene unfold knowingly and quietly hands Lena another one.

And then she goes to take a seat and Mike beats her to it, doesn’t even realize that Lena was headed right for it.

Alex gives her a sympathetic look and jerks her head at the chair next to hers and Lena reaches for the nearest casserole to Mike, tries to play it off and comes out of it with a green bean pinched between her fingers. She glowers at the vegetable like it’s offended her and then smoothes her (angry) facial expressions when Alex raises an eyebrow, takes a dainty bite and shrugs like this was her grand plan all along.

“They’re so cute together, aren’t they?” Winn says dreamily, a hand on Lena’s shoulder and just quiet enough to be considered a private conversation.

Lena doesn’t take her eyes off of Mike, the way he causally swings an arm around Kara’s chair and tries to hand feed her like this is some cheesy hallmark movie. “If by cute you mean an overgrown child, then sure.” She grits out, not kindly.

Winn says “oh Lena, you’re so funny,” and walks away before she can respond. Alex snorts into her wine like she’s heard and Lena startles.

Everyone slowly starts to file in, not quite time to start on dinner but late enough that Winn starts to steal bites when he thinks no one is looking. Lena, grudgingly, accepts the seat next to Alex and keeps taking sips of her drink to occupy her hands and keep herself from sulking.

Lena watches the way Kara tips her head back whenever Mike whispers something to her, all secretive and sly smirk on his face. He pokes at her stomach and tickles her side and practically swoons over her right smack dab in the middle of the dinner table like it’s at all appropriate and Alex says “gross” and coughs into her shoulder to hide it and Lena’s too miserable to even enjoy it because Kara looks happy. Her smile brightens the whole room and even with a whole plate of potstickers at the table, her whole attention is pointed at Mike and what the hell is wrong with Lena that she can’t be happy for her?

“Lena,” says Mike loudly, like he’s been trying to get her attention and Lena looks up to see all eyes on her.

He makes some stupid joke she’s probably heard a hundred times from him already and Lena is beginning to think that he recycles his one liners as much as that tacky bow tie he insists on wearing. He reaches the punchline, nearly at the edge of his seat and Kara is looking at Lena expectantly, a silent plea in her eyes that says try, please try and it softens something in her if even for a moment.

Lena laughs, loudly and obnoxiously and so obviously fake, enough to pacify Mike but Kara tilts her head and gives her this quizzical look like she’s not quite sure what Lena is getting at. Like she can’t hear Lena screaming in her head, I’m all tried out.

Lena wonders when Kara stopped reading her the way she still reads Kara. She never imagined how lonely it would feel. She never imagined it happening at all.

Lena reaches for her beer only to find it empty again and Alex wordlessly slides her glass of wine over.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Hisses Lena, just low enough for Alex to hear. “Or just get me drunk?” But she’s drinking half of it down in one go anyway.

“You should have seen me last year, alcohol was the only thing that got me through it.”

“I’m not going through anything,” Lena doesn’t need to be this snippy but she doesn’t care. It’s Friendsgiving. It’s Kara’s favorite holiday and Mike is sitting in her chair like he owns it. “You didn’t have him to deal with.”

“Worse. I had my mother,” Alex reaches for Lena’s glass and downs the other half at the mere mention of her mother and Lena is placated, momentarily, with the thought that maybe her and Alex have more in common than she initially thought.

Nia breathes a finally when there’s knocking and goes to let Brainy in, her floral dress long and pretty and her face even prettier when she kisses the cheek of her favorite person.

Alex leans in slightly, shoulder bumping Lena’s when she whispers, “what’s going on with them? Are they together yet?”

“Brainy looks like he’s about to throw up, so I’m gonna go with maybe.” Says Lena resolutely and everyone at the table hums in agreement.

“Well doesn’t this all look scrumptious,” Brainy says, eyes roaming the spread laid out.

“Someone forgot the stuffing,” says Lena accusingly and then she does that terrible, awkward laugh again when Mike laughs like it was a friendly jab. Like they’re at that level where they joke with one another.

“No worries, I estimated this would happen.” Says Brainy and procures a dish seemingly out of nowhere.

-

Lena is elbows deep in soapy water, dinner long over and anyone who isn’t in too much of a food coma to drive has already gone home.

As it is, only her, Kara, and Alex remain and it’s the biggest breath of fresh air Lena has felt all night. She thinks back to every interaction her and Kara have had, going back to the very beginning. Lena wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. She was detached, focused, and out to prove something. Friends don't necessarily fit into that equation. Lena was new in town and Kara wouldn’t leave her the hell alone. She slowly wormed her way into Lena’s life anyways, until every piece of her fit, one way or another, significant or small, until there wasn’t a single part of Lena’s life that she could see without Kara in it. Lena wonders when that process, having someone know her so intricately and fully, began to feel so stifling. It’s a feeling Lena is intimately familiar with, but not for a long time now. Not since her family, her father, the near bankruptcy and the media mogul who framed it all on destructive Lillian Luthor, every negative article on her father twisted and turned around to point at anyone who was willing to shoulder the blame. It’s a feeling Lena is familiar with, yes… but not with Kara. Never with her.

Kara swishes a dish towel at her and Lena squirms just barely out of reach, letting the sound of Kara’s laughter wash over her until the only thing that matters about tonight is this. Them. Right here, right now, and every little moment that’s about to follow. Lena prepares herself to soak it all in, let it course through her and lift her through the night the way one would fill a swimming pool, slowly and then all at once until it’s chock full and glistening. It took her a while to recognize what she was doing, didn’t fully understand it at first. Lena preserves her time with Kara like she’s stranded in a desert and every little touch or glance is the water she so desperately needs.

They stand side by side, Lena doing the washing up while Kara dries and Lena’s heart squeezes at how domestic it feels.

“I’ve missed you,” comes out as a hushed whisper and Lena almost isn’t sure who’s said it. If her mouth would really betray her like that but when she looks up Kara is already looking at her, expectant.

“Me too,” Lena clears her throat, hating how strangled it’s all coming out. “I’ve missed you, too.”

Kara ducks her head, small smile on her pretty face and it reminds Lena so much of the beginning. Of tentative lunch dates where they tried way too hard to impress each other when all they needed to do was enjoy. Back when Lena was delusional enough to think she had a shot. It feels like a lifetime ago now.

“So… Mike.” Says Lena with all the subtlety of a stomping elephant. Kara tightens her hold on the plate she’s drying so much Lena’s surprised it hasn’t cracked in two.

“He likes you,” Kara says carefully.

Lena can’t help it, she rolls her eyes. “I can’t imagine why.”

“Really? You can’t think of a single reason?” And Kara doesn’t sound upset, she just sounds tired. “I’ll give you one: You’re my best friend, of course he likes you.”

And there’s so many things Lena can say to that such as he only likes me when I’m not looking at you but instead Lena takes the plug out of the drain, watches the bubbly water swirl around. Not today. This is Lena’s problem.

Which is why Lena ends up saying, “he’s really into you,” instead.

“Yeah…”

Lena detects a hint of something when Kara says that single word, by itself and lonely in a way only the person speaking it needs to feel to really mean it. That would be absurd, though. What does Kara have to feel desolate about? Why would her words come out sounding faraway? She’s not the one who has to go home and spend the rest of thanksgiving alone, only a chilled bottle or maybe that pint of icecream Lena pretends she didn’t buy to keep her company tonight. If Lena weren’t so focused on her own raging thoughts maybe she’d put more thought into it but as it stands right now, she’s too tired to even go there. What would be the point? She already knows how this is going to end. Kara has a boyfriend and things have changed. They have, as much as they both like to pretend they haven’t. Kara has Mike and Lena… Lena still has her friends, their shared outings. Her routine hasn’t changed much, only the places she sits and the person she no longer feels comfortable confiding in.

Alex lies, ignoring, or uncaring maybe, on the couch a few paces away. She’s idling with her phone, the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard, and Lena tries to focus on that instead of the person next to her. Tries to smooth her expression into one of indifference until her face doesn’t give away anything and if Kara notices, she doesn’t bring it up.

“Hey,” murmurs Kara and bumps their shoulders lightly.

Lena can feel the mood change instantly, the way her smile brightens the whole room and Lena knows just like that. They’re going to be okay.

Lena turns to look at her, their faces so close, and Kara wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. “There’s still blueberry pie leftover,”

“We don’t all have a bottomless pit for a stomach. Some of us have to go for a jog after consuming an enormous amount of calories, you know.” Teases Lena but it comes out as more of a groan, secretly a little jealous of Kara’s superpower.

Kara swishes the towel at her again and she yelps, jumping away and cowering from each blow. Kara lets out the ugliest cackle, head thrown back and everything and Lena loves her so much in this moment. This is enough, it has to be.

Lex inevitably (predictably) fucks up

“Shouldn’t you be lighting a candle or something?” Is, inexplicably, the first thing out of Lena’s mouth. It’s rash, and insensitive, and Lena can spot Kara’s flinch even from across the kitchen island.

She grabs the glass, the pretty ones that Sam gifted her after Jack’s terrible gag gift at last year's Christmas party. Her hand curls around it and lifts and -

“Lena!”

She looks down, her vision already a little blurry, and she’s confused for a moment before realizing she’s dropped it, glass shattered on the fancy marble she spent too much fucking money on to impress her mother who never even visits.

Lena blinks, “hey look. I made a metaphor.”

Kara fusses over her, tries to inspect Lena’s hand but she just swats her away in favor of another glass. She makes extra sure not to drop this one and then pours another drink. It’s Pappy’s tonight. The twelve year Van Winkle Reserve that she was saving for her brother's birthday. Lex… every time she thinks about him she has this strong urge to punch the wall. She settles for taking a sip instead, he won’t be drinking it anytime soon.

“Are you here alone?” Asks Kara. She’s frowning, the lines creasing around her eyes making her look her age. She’s always had a bit of a childish streak but for once there’s no punchline waiting at the end of her sentence, nothing to lighten the mood. Her words are laced with concern and just a little bit of reproach because Kara had called earlier and Lena had lied and said she was with a friend. To not worry. Naturally, she’s come here to make sure that’s true and Lena’s been caught with her hand in the whiskey bottle.

Lena waves her hand, the warm liquid sloshing dangerously close to the rim of the glass, and even she’s ashamed at the way she slurs her words just the tiniest bit. “Sam’s running my brother's company, Jack is doing damage control, Lex is…” Lena chokes a little, not ready to go there so instead she asks “news from the front?” and squints at Kara in the low lighting because if CatCo has gotten ahold of this then everyone’s bound to know by now.

Kara makes her way around Lena, grabs the nearest trashcan and starts to swipe the glass off the counter, but Lena see’s it for what it really is. She’s making time and Kara even falters a bit before answering. “Nothing yet,”

“You know, you’re terrible at hiding things from me,” accuses Lena. She says it a little angrier than she meant to and she jerks back quickly, steadying herself with one hand on the counter.

Kara’s face is a little pink. Lena can’t remember if she forgot to turn on the air conditioner. It feels hot in here, is it hot?

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that…” she mutters and it pisses Lena off. If the media is defaming her name again then Kara should just tell her. She’s going to find out sooner or later, why postpone it? Still, there’s a smaller part of Lena, even now, that feels warmth bloom across her chest at having Kara try and protect her. Having someone on her side. She tamps that down as far as she can because if Lena is good at anything, it’s self-destructing.

Kara starts up again, gets three words in before Lena is waving her hand erratically. “Stop. Just, stop.”

What could Kara say that would make her feel better? Lena doesn’t even want her here. She doesn’t want anyone. All she wants is to drink until she’s numb, until even her alcohol addled brain can’t remember a single thing about her fucked up family and the latest Luthor scandel. If they keep this up, they might be able to make it an annual event.

Everything had been going so well, the company finally had legs to stand on and then Lex just had to -

“You are the strongest person I know,” says Kara and Lena turns to look at her in almost slow motion. She’s finally stopped fidgeting and is sitting down right next to her. Lena blinks, when did that happen? “Why aren’t you fighting this?”

“Because I did!” She snaps, so loud in the otherwise quiet apartment. Lena searches Kara’s eyes hoping to find some semblance of understanding there but Kara just looks lost. Lost and helpless, just how Lena feels. “Kara… I did. You know, all I ever wanted to be was good. My whole life I was a pariah. First because of Lillian, being in my brother's shadow. And then finally I did just one thing, one thing that was good and… you know, for all his faults even Lex Luthor never did that.”

Kara is quick to comfort her, hands reaching for hers. Her touch is absolutely searing, Lena can feel it burn all the way up her arm. “This isn’t your fault,”

But isn’t it? She’s the one that made the phone call. She’s the one that handed in the evidence. Lena is single handedly responsible for the downfall of her family’s company when all Lex ever tried to do was fix their fathers mistakes. He took loan after loan out to pay off all the debt Lionel had accrued, worked practically all day to the point that Lena hadn’t seen him sleep or eat for weeks following his initial takeover. He catered to the suits in a way Lena would have never been able to… she’s too proud for that but Lex? If his freedom was the price to pay then he’s paid it ten times over by now. And thanks to Lena, he’ll never get it back.

“It’s my fault, Kara, why can’t you see that?” She’s crying now, can feel the hot sting of tears on her face. Lena tries to tamp down her immediate reaction, to turn around and hide, to cover her face somehow. But this is Kara, if she can’t be open with her then with who? Lena turns stiff at the thought, and for a second she’s entirely sober. This is all she has. Her fathers been out of the picture for over two years, skipped off to god knows what country. Her mother hates her. And now even Lex is gone… and holding her hand is a woman who will never love her back, not the way she wants.

Everything had been going so well earlier. Lena had gotten up at five, like she always does. Made coffee and got through a couple emails, like she always does. Was planning on going to a couple different stores to finish up her last minute christmas shopping; a twist neck top and a striped cotton button down that Lena’s had on order at Bloomingdales ever since Sam showed interest a couple weeks back when they passed by the store… those ridiculous cuff links that Jack always insists on, and the matching tie that he will surely wear at the holiday conference. He’s her date every year and Lena likes to make sure they match. She was nearly done, arms bursting with shopping bags that she had handed off to her driver, Stan, when Lena had decided to make a quick trip to the office. It was her day off, sure, but there’s that R&D chart she’s been dying to get her hands on for weeks now and with Lex in a board meeting, this was the perfect opportunity. He never did like it when Lena got ahold of them, the way she would break it apart and return it with notes in the margins. You always give me more work, Slick, he always says. Lena was just going to slip into his office, grab the documents, and head out to read at home. It was going to be quick, two minutes tops. Instead she found an RO for the lab, this janky old machine from the 80’s that she could have sworn had been fixed already. It was like the floodgates had opened and once she had started looking, she couldn’t stop. Various repair orders for things that had been fixed already, purchase orders from a manufacturer that didn’t even specialize in tech, and then there were the corporations hidden under LuthorCorp subsidiaries underneath clauses you wouldn't think to look at. What they consisted of Lena couldn’t tell you. They had no meaningful assets, no business operations. Shell companies, she realized.

“I know that you believe everything is good and kind and…” flashes of her brother's face like a film reel, the way she had confronted him, the way she had made a flashdrive on a whim and nuked it all from the main server. Suddenly all these loans Lex had taken out throughout the years started to make sense, how he magically always had the solution to every single one of their problems. How he never stressed over the numbers when Lena would drive herself stir crazy trying to crunch them.

There are so many things Lena wants to say. How she had her suspicions but always set them aside instead of digging the way she would have if it had been anyone other than her brother. The way her first instinct was to save it all to a flash drive, conserving the evidence. How quick was she to condemn him? And then… the minutes ticked by but Lena was still in his office and in a moment of stupidity, she had wiped it all away. Not a single trace would be left if she destroyed the flash drive. The longer Lena stayed there, the more she spiraled, the more she started getting this itch to fix .

“...and that is one of the things I love about you,” is what Lena says instead because it’s the only thing she feels she has left. Lena swallows hard, letting this confession wash over her in a way she’s never allowed herself before because all she sees is Kara, the judgment she feared would be waiting for her isn’t there. She looks so beautiful and Lena feels so weak.

She breathes it out so quietly, almost afraid to really say it. Lena waits with bated breath, feels Kara squeeze her hand and for one traitorous moment she really believes Kara has heard her, has taken her words at face value. There's a moment where Kara looks like she’s about to say something, anything. A couple seconds suspended in the air around them and feeling like a lifetime. Kara searches Lena’s eyes with her own with something Lena could only really describe as urgency and she feels anchored to it almost, and to the way Kara’s face softens when she looks right at her like she’s seeing her for the first time. And then the moment passes, Kara blinks dumbly and Lena pushes on, a feeling of shame like she’s never felt before settling deep in her chest.

“Lena, if you -” Kara sighs out but Lena is already shrugging her off. She doesn’t need to hear a rejection, doesn't think she’d be able to bear it if Kara actually said the words out loud.

“Everything I do hurts people. It’s in my DNA okay? So please just. Just stop. Stop believing in me okay? I’m not worth it.” Lena punctuates that with another drink, raises the glass between them and then lets it burn all the way down.

They don’t talk much after that. Lena finishes the bottle, leans heavily against Kara as they stumble to the couch. The last thing she feels before drifting off is a blanket being draped over her and the ghost of a kiss to her forehead that Lena is pretty sure is some sort of alcohol induced dream.

The next morning Lena’s alarm goes off at five, like it always does. She makes coffee, like she always does. And if Kara happens to still be there, the futon made up with pillows and a throw when usually she doesn’t mind sharing the couch with Lena… well, they don’t talk about that.

Kara makes a mess of her kitchen, pancake batter smeared across her cheek and Lena sips her scalding coffee and pretends to get through emails.

Christmas Eve

The pack of snow hits the windshield in short and consistent bursts, the wipers clearing away as much of it as they can. Lena sits unmoving in the back seat of her town car, temple pressed to the hard glass. She watches the window fizzle over with a slight sheen of thin ice, the snow starting to come in a little harder now that they’ve reached the highway.

She closes her eyes, breathes in deep and slow, and tries not to think about what she’s about to do. Stan is humming along to some cover of Baby it’s Cold Outside that’s playing on the radio.

When she blinks her eyes open the only thing she can see through the glass is her own reflection. In between patches of wet can she see the listlessness of her eyes, how tired she is. The slope of her nose, distorted through water, her jaw line and curve of her chin that seems to go on and on, and then her mouth permanently set into a frown. Lena feels like she's staring into a funhouse mirror.

The walk to the building sits heavy on Lena’s shoulders. Every step she takes weighing her down until she feels shorter, shoulders slightly bowed. Her boots sink into the soft snow, a sign that it has landed recently, the heel of her boot creaking against the thin grains of ice. As snow compresses, it creates more friction, the ice sitting heavier and heavier. And the colder it gets, the harder it will crack. There was a time in boarding school when, upon a dare, Lena skidded across the lake. It was late, too late to be out on the grounds, and the lake had just frozen over a few days prior. She hadn’t realized her mistake until she was getting a pocketful of freezing water.

That’s how Lena feels now, with the snow crunching beneath her feet and a group of carolers singing softly outside the gates. Like she’ll be knocked off her feet any second now.

The voices get a little louder, a song Lena has heard before but can’t name.

Lena imagines the steps she’ll have to take, from telling the receptionist who she’s here to see and the surely critical look she’s bound to get, to security rummaging through her purse.

It all happens in nearly slow motion. She sits in a metal chair across the table, her big brother smiling ugly with a busted lip. He’s happy to see her, Lena realizes.

She wasn’t sure, at first. Had changed her outfit twelve different times. Kept postponing what time she would visit. If the roles were reversed Lena has no idea how she would feel. Lex says “hey, Slick,” and Lena thinks it’s some sick joke that he isn’t throwing a chair at her.

“You look like crap,” says Lena.

“I look better than you,” says Lex.

It’s his usual response, but for once Lena thinks he might not be joking. She hasn’t slept in days, her poor attempt at makeup can’t hide the dark circles under her eyes, and even her usual power walk is lacking. She’ll blame it on the lack of heels.

She takes a moment to observe her brother. His clothes are baggy, like they’ve given him the wrong size, or maybe he’s lost weight. His face is patchy and uneven, it reminds Lena of his highschool days before Lillian made him start shaving. Even his bald head is lacking its usual shine. It’s that very thought, the idea of his head not being shiny, that prompts a delicate laugh from her that bubbles up until she can’t contain it.

“Not possible,” she finds herself saying with a genuine smile on her face. It lacks a little in the corners, like she can’t bring herself to give a true and unadulterated smile but it’s there nonetheless and for a moment she forgets why she’s here. For a moment, the metal table is made out of amish wood and there's a chess board standing between them instead of a prison sentence. Lena looks at Lex and for just one shining second she sees a goofy fifteen year old boy with floppy receding hair and the preppy sweater vest to match. She blinks and Lex is wearing a dull gray instead, off brand tennis shoes and a sensible ribbed tank top peeking from underneath his shirt. Lena blinks and it all comes crashing down and the small smile she managed earlier starts to fall with it.

Lena sets her face, that stony look she gets when she wants to rid herself of emotions. They’re not kids anymore, Lex isn’t fifteen, and Lena shouldn’t be pretending everything is going to be okay just because her big brother gives her that signature crooked smile.

“Money laundering,” she says drily. It’s the first time she’s said it out loud and it sits in the air between them like she’s testing it out. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“Father left us in ruins, Lena. I had to save the company. I had to fix it.”

There’s that word again. Fix. Is that all they’re good for? There was a moment, brief but indisputable, when Lena considered doing just that. All those shell companies… she knew right away what kind of deep water her brother was in. She held the flashdrive in her hand like it was a live grenade, the seconds ticking by and all Lena could do was stand there, frozen and stockstill and sick to her stomach.

Someone buys a soda from the vending machine around the corner, the aluminum can skating down the chute. Lena had leaned against it when she was first cleared in, not yet brave enough to peek inside the common room. Maybe if she didn’t see Lex like this then it wouldn't be real. How stupid is that? There’s a strip of Christmas lights hanging overhead, green, red, and blue twinkling in the stuffy room. A couple of the bulbs are out completely and the twining green cables are a little frayed towards the end like the lights are old. Like they put them up every year. Do holidays even matter in a place like this?

“You’re an idiot,” says Lena, just now realizing how claustrophobic she’s beginning to feel. The room is getting smaller, the light chatter of other inmates reuniting with loved ones is starting to sound like ping pong balls bouncing noisily. The sound makes her flinch.

“How else can we measure up?” Asks Lex and Lena is already rolling her eyes because she knows exactly where this is going. She’s heard this speech too many times before. Their mother instilled a sense of importance in them growing up, and their father did everything in his power to tear that down. He worked Lex to the bone, like he was a grown man before he was even out of school. Made an example of every single one of his mistakes and never wasted a chance to tell him what a terrible job he was doing. If Lionel’s sole purpose was to make his children feel not good enough, then he succeeded.

Lena forces a smirk on her face. She didn’t come here to argue and if she says what she really wants to say… how different would that make her from their father? “I’m not sure I’m quite as concerned with measuring.”

“Don’t,” Lex drags out the word, only pausing to wring his hands together but Lena can see the laugh he’s trying to hold back all the same. “Insults are pedestrian, you’re better than that. Now, enough about me. I want to know how my baby sis is doing.”

Flashes of the other night come to mind. Of a bottomless glass, of reassuring hands steadying her, of that is one of the things I love about you. Lena shakes herself out of it. This isn’t about her, she came for her brother, because as fucked up as her family is, he’s always been her rock. Not that she’d ever admit it to him, so instead she says, “Lex, you are a horrible brother.”

“You like me anyway,” he quips, never too slow for this easy banter they seem to collect throughout the years.

Lena scoffs, “you are very hard to like. But I do like a challenge.”

Lex turns serious then. He raises his eyebrows high into his forehead in that way Lena has always known meant business. “Good, because I’ve got one for you.”

Christmas Eve [2.0]

Lena waits for the slight murmer in the crowd to fully stop before she makes her way on the stage. Which, really, was a waste considering it starts back up the second the first reporter realizes who it is. There’s one flash that everyone else seems to take as permission before she’s drowning in pictures. Lena tries her best to remain neutral, completely schools her features so she doesn’t give anything away in the face of some of the questions being shouted at her. They’re sharks, Lena. Show them weakness and they’ll attack

And then Lena sees her. Kara is wearing shiny shoes and she’s sporting a camera strap around her neck. The camera is hanging loosely in her hands but she’s not pointing it at Lena, instead she only directs a small smile at her. Even in the cacophony of noise surrounding her right now, Lena would hear her anywhere. Kara is asking if she’s okay.

There’s dozens of cameras snapping harshly at her right now and Lena pays them no mind, but when Kara looks at her like that, she feels just a tiny part of herself being given away. She returns Kara’s smile with a smaller one of her own, gives a small and imperceptible nod, and gives the only smile she’ll give the cameras that night. Dozens of reporters flash angry at her in the hopes to capture a good picture, Lena Luthor being personable and almost approachable in a rare look that’s only meant for one.

Lena takes a deep breath, her heart rate is off the rails and she’s afraid the second she opens her mouth, she’ll choke. They’re all expecting Lex, it’s why the crowd is going wild. Somehow, someway, the news of why Lex has gone underground hasn’t been leaked yet and it’s up to Lena to deliver the message . You need to assume control, let them all know the kind of Luthor you can be.

Lena walks up to the podium, fiddles with the note cards there for a moment before putting them down. She searches the crowd for Kara again, needing something to ground her. Kara’s eyes are like fire, burning icy hot across the room and landing smack dab in the middle of Lena’s chest and even though this exact look is what usually hurts her, right now Lena doesn’t mind. Right now, she can use this to fuel her.

Lena stands up straighter, chin high, and scans the room, a look of almost boredom on her face that she has to will to the surface. It’s like the crowd is expecting something out of her. Give them a reason to follow you and they will.

And then it happens. Lena puts a single palm up in the air and like it’s been ingrained in them, the entire room quiets in an instant. Camera’s slowly slip from their grasps, only eyes on her. That’s when you attack, Slick.

In which our leads take a pause (and a flag is raised)

“I hate people who are perpetually late,” has Lena raising a perfectly manicured eyebrow because that’s something she would say. Alex makes eye contact from across the kitchen and raises her glass slightly, like she knows and she’s only said it to tease Lena.

Kara shushes her sister. She’s running circles around her own kitchen, opening and closing every drawer until she lets out a small but pleased noise, utility lighter in hand.

“He’s not coming,” Kara is distracted when she says it but Lena knows better. Knows when she wants to announce something and not make it a big deal. Lena knows everything about Kara; all her tells.

If it weren't so awkward between them right now she would call her out but it is so she doesn’t.

“Well, here’s to a Christmas miracle -”

“Alex!” Admonishes Kelly. She’s wearing this tacky sweater that she plied Alex into so they could match their first holiday as a couple. Lena had mimed throwing up when she saw them.

Lena sips at her scotch slowly. She’s playing a game tonight. Drink everytime Kara looks at her.

“It’s okay. Really. I didn’t invite him.” And that certainly gets Lena's attention.

“What do you mean you didn’t invite him?” It’s Alex who asks but Kara looks to Lena instead when she answers. There’s this look in her eye Lena can’t quite make out, it’s as unfamiliar to her as their current dynamic.

“He’s not Jewish,” Kara answers slowly and Lena tilts the glass back and takes a long sip.

Alex and Kelly share this knowing look with each other.

“Lena’s not Jewish,” supplies Alex helpfully.

“Lena’s different,” Lena doesn’t miss the way Kara grits her teeth when she says it. “I always spend the holidays with her, right?”

Lena nods into her drink, trying not to be too obvious about watching the Danvers sisters. It reminds her a little bit of what holiday dinners used to be like with her own family, the way Lionel and Lillian would size each other up across the table.

Kelly reaches a hand across the kitchen island in a friendly gesture that Kara quickly accepts.

“I completely understand. I want to spend every holiday with Alex, too.”

Kara drops her hand immediately, the tips of her ears burning red. Lena promptly chokes on her drink and excuses herself, the scotch soaking into her lungs and making it hard to breathe.

There’s a dinky little tree in the corner of the room, handmade ornaments and various polaroid pictures hanging off of it. Lena knows Kara only keeps it around for her, knows that every picture except for one is of them and that's only because Alex teased her sister about it last year until Kara dusted off an old photo album. Sandwiched between a picture of Lena scowling at Kara, ice cream cone half dripping down her hand, and Halloween two years ago when Kara convinced them to dress up as the tinman and scarecrow respectively, is a picture of an adolescent Alex and Kara, Jeremiah and Eliza standing close to them and beaming at the camera. Their last family photo together before Jeremiah passed.

Lena jumps slightly when someone approaches and then relaxes when she sees who it is.

“I’m uh, sorry about them.”

“It’s okay,” says Lena because it is. Really. So what if Kelly insinuated that they’re dating? Alex probably put her up to it thinking it would make a good joke. It’s not like her and Kara give off some vibe. Lena would know if they did. And besides, Kara has a boyfriend. A very absent boyfriend…

Kara puts her hands up and approaches Lena the way one would a wounded animal. Lena raises her glass only to find it empty and frowns at it, and then she looks up at Kara and frowns at her.

“I didn’t tell them,” she’s quick to assure. Too quick.

“Didn’t tell them what?” Asks Lena slowly, carefully. Denial is so ingrained in her that she can’t even bring herself to talk about it now when it’s all out in the open. It’s not like it would matter anyway, Kara made her choice and now Lena has to live with it. The best thing for both of them is to move on. Lena doesn’t think she would be able to forgive herself if this affected their friendship in any way. But looking at Kara now, the way she’s about to say something before shaking herself out of it and plastering on a small smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes… maybe it already has.

“Nothing. Come on, we’re about to light the Menorah,” says Kara softly so Lena nods and follows her in the way she thinks she’ll always follow Kara.

They stand around the kitchen table, the four of them, huddled up side by side in the dark of the night. The candles wash the room in a soft glow, making this moment feel like it could last forever. Alex recites a traditional blessing that Lena is surprised Kelly follows along with. Kara stands nearby but doesn’t join in. Lena knows she never does, knows that her birth parents never believed in much of anything and when she joined the Danvers family, it was Jeremiah who always recited the blessings. It just seems right to let Alex do it, Kara had said once.

It reminds Lena of her college girlfriend, how she would say thanks before a meal and Lena wouldn’t join in exactly, but she would wait patiently, sometimes even hold her hand in a show of respect. Lena remembers feeling tethered in those moments, to a person who believed in something greater and grander than life itself in a way she could never put into words. Sometimes Lena wonders if she’s wasting away not believing in some higher power, wondering how different her life would be if she did. And then she looks at Kara, the way the other woman instinctively grabs for her hand and twines them together and Lena doesn’t have to wonder at all.

“Happy Hanukkah, Kara.”

“Merry Christmas, Lena.”

Lena swallows past the feeling in her throat, squeezes Kara’s hand and wishes desperately for matching tacky holiday sweaters. And then she shakes her head at herself, she shouldn’t be fantasizing like that. It’s dangerous.

Later, when they’re all sitting by the tree, Alex kicks a small box her way. Lena raises an eyebrow at her. They never exchange gifts with each other, this is uncharted territory and suddenly Lena feels like an impolite guest.

Kara urges her on to open it, like she knew this was the plan all along the traitor.

What she finds makes her laugh. A LuthorCorp mug stamped with the pride flag and a tiny rainbow flag sticking out of it, LuthorCorp logo running across its length. Lena had no idea the company even made pride edition merch, let alone where to get it. Where did she even find this?

Lena looks at Alex bemusedly, not quite sure what to make of it but Alex just shrugs like it’s no big deal and says, “For your new office. The boss always has a mug they don’t use on their desk, right?”

Lena’s chest blooms, a small wildfire running across its length and nestling deep. Her laugh cuts off midway and chokes and Lena has to blink away rapidly approaching tears that sting behind her eyes. After the press release last night, Lena had turned her phone off. When she turned it on this morning, she was disappointed to see no missed calls from her mother. Lena knew she wouldn’t call and yet… and yet a small part of her hoped she would. The only family she has left that still believes in her, dare she say is even proud of her, is Lex and that’s because he all but handed her the company. If he had never been arrested, Lena wonders how much longer it would have taken him to surrender it anyway.

Maybe this isn’t so bad. Without Mike here, it almost feels like old times. Kara sits beside her, excited to hand off her gift next and when she smiles at her, Lena feels it press against her skin like a promise.

“Thank you,” she manages to say, not sure if they should hug now but thankfully Alex waves her off and just like that, Lena understands all the big sister stories Kara has told her. Understands where all this deep seeded admiration comes from and how it was forged. When she looks back at Alex she understands the message where there need not be one; can see the metaphorical olive branch she’s extending.

Maybe this could be enough for Lena.

Nothing lasts forever (so why does it feel like this could?)

Mike comes stumbling into the apartment. Her apartment.

What started off as a small get together with friends turns into Jack finding her stash of whiskey, the one Lena purposely puts away when he comes over. Lena is seconds away from forcibly taking the bottle from his hand but then Alex is walking into the kitchen, eyes glinting.

“I have a great idea,” she says and Lena groans. She learned a long time ago that Alex and Jack make for a night full of regrets and hangovers.

How Lena ends up sharing a love seat with Kara and Mike on the other hand, Lena has no idea. ( Okay , so maybe she saw them sitting together and maybe Lena plopped herself down right between them. This is her couch. Sue her.)

Mike takes it in stride, extends an arm over the back of the couch, his hand awkwardly grazing Lena’s shoulder and Kara does this strange half turn to glare right at them.

“I’m thirsty,” Says Kara sharply and Mike stops his conversation with James to look at her. He spares a glance at Lena as if he’s just now noticing it’s her who is sitting next to him. He lets out a small huff, places his drink down to get up and Lena lets out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

“Okay, that was weird,” says James unhelpfully and Lena just nods along because yeah, it was.

Everyone else seems to be doing their own thing for the most part. Alex and Jack are probably making a mess of her wet bar, James has already shifted his attention to his sister, and Lena feels frozen in place, the heat of Kara slowly radiating off of her and making Lena’s skin feel like it’s on fire.

Instead of looking at her, Lena zones in on the beer Mike left on the coffee table. He’s completely missed the coaster and she curls her lip distastefully at the water stain it will surely leave.

“He’s drunk,” explains Kara, her arm flapping in the general direction of her man child. “I told him to stay home.” She says more quietly this time, head hanging low and close to Lena’s ear and Lena’s entire body tenses up.

“I don’t see why you would,” Sniffs Lena. “Why wouldn’t you want your boyfriend here?”

Kara’s eyes go wide, “Lena…”

“Here,” says Mike loudly, water bottle in hand. He flits his eyes between Lena and Kara and back to Lena again and that’s when she remembers how close they’re sitting to one another. Almost unconsciously, Lena scoots as far away from Kara as she can on the small couch and that dark look Mike has in his eyes gets turned into an almost imperceptible smile as he plops himself down right between them.

Kara shifts uncomfortably under his arm that Lena chalks up to his rancid cologne, and before she’s fully thought about it, Lena is jumping off the couch and scurrying to the kitchen.

“What do you think of the party?” Prods Jack. He’s wearing this hideous Hawaiian shirt Lena’s pretty sure is actually Lex’s.

“Thoroughly unpleasant surprise,” she says dryly.

“I thought you’d be pleased?” Frowns Jack and Lena just jerks her thumb back behind her to point at Mike.

“Who invited him? ”

As if almost on queue, Jack and Alex both say “not me!” and Lena squints at them.

“I think he invited himself?” Asks Jack to seemingly no one. “It is rather odd, isn’t it? I mean, considering…”

“Considering what?” Says Lena and Alex’s eyes widen in alarm.

“You really don’t know?”

“Know what? ” And Lena is seriously starting to feel like a broken record tonight. Jack and Alex both look at her shaking their heads. Jack nearly looks sympathetic… and then Alex is rolling her eyes and shoving her way into the living room.

“God you’re such idiots. Both of you.”

Jack drains his drink, “well now I’m proper confused.”

“Shut up, Jack.” And then Lena is storming out of the kitchen, too.

And sure, Jack usually is an idiot, Lena will give Alex that, but to lump her in with him like that? What the hell Alex? She’s just about ready to give her a piece of her mind when she re-enters the living room and it gets awfully quiet. Alex is tucked away in the corner of the room with her sister and even from her spot, Lena can see the frustration on Kara’s face. Alex is waving her arms and whispering something fast that Lena can’t make out. She doesn’t think they’re fighting? But maybe Lena should go over there just in case they are. To break it up, of course. No other reason.

Mike trips over his own feet when Lena walks past him, his beer dangling off his hand and spilling a little.

“Have you lost control of your basic motor functions?” Snaps Lena.

“Al’s anyone?” Asks Nia right after and everyone nods and starts to gather their things.

Lena keeps looking at Kara and when their eyes meet, there’s something in them Lena can’t make out. Can you hear me?

But her eyes are so dark and there’s only silence.

A Confession (no, not that one)

Al’s dive bar is probably the dirtiest place Lena has ever been to in her entire life. The tables are somehow always sticky, there’s at least one bathroom out of order that hasn’t been fixed in the two years she’s been frequenting this place, and the jukebox in the corner refuses to play Cyndi Lauper no matter how many coins Lena feeds it.

So naturally, they come here a lot.

There’s the chip at the corner of the bar where Winn wiped out and hit his head during Superbowl Sunday last year. Today, Nia and Brainy occupy that space and make small talk around their drinks. It was getting a little awkward so everyone kind of spread out. Nia keeps touching her hair and Brainy keeps doing that thing where he blurts out “fun facts'' instead of just admitting his feelings… Lena wishes she were in a place to see the humor in it but considering her own love life nowadays, well, maybe she can take a page out of his book. At least they’re talking.

“You know, I never pegged you for the pining type,”

Lena turns to Alex, a red flush already running down her neck from that sentence alone. She makes a sound at the very back of her throat that she hopes conveys how absolutely untrue that is. Lena isn’t pining.

“I’m not pining ,”

Alex scoffs, takes a pull from her beer. “Tell that to your face.”

“Oh please, enlighten me on what my face is telling you right now. I desperately want to know.” Lena’s eyes widen in alarm the second she gets the words out because she’s just challenged Alex, and for what? So she can prove something they both already know. How pathetic.

Alex rounds on her then, just a little too close for Lena’s comfort, but when she talks there’s only worry there, and maybe even a little resignation. Like she’s had this conversation before. “That’s the thing. I don’t think you do.”

Lena notices then, that fire Kara is always telling her about. It lingers just below the surface and the only thing capable of bringing it out is when a younger sibling is being an idiot. Lena’s never been on the receiving end of it before, though. Lex might be older, but between the two of them, it was always Lena coming to the rescue. Always Lena doing the responsible thing. Always Lena cleaning up his messes and pretending like it didn’t suck the living life out of her. Always Lena. And now what does she have? A friend, she thinks, in the woman standing in front of her. A woman that, for all her faults (and there are many, Lena is sure) is as protective as Kara and it’s strange, isn’t it? It is in this moment that Lena realizes a lot of the things she loves about Kara are actually traits she picked up from Alex. And she wonders what that’s like, having an older sibling you want to model yourself after.

“You know, for what it’s worth,” says Alex and Lena has to look away from Kara who she’s been staring at from across the room. It should be unnerving how quickly they can find each other but when Kara meets her eyes, all Lena feels is confused at that look she’s giving her. Kara has her brows pulled tight, and she’s looking at them like there’s a puzzle to be solved. Hell, Lena and Alex are getting along. Maybe there is. “You know what,” says Alex suddenly. She’s looking between Lena and her sister similar to how Mike was earlier today but unlike him, there’s no disdain there. “I’m gonna let you figure this one out.”

And then Alex is patting her on the shoulder and walking away and Lena is left with this feeling of loss. Like there’s this bigger picture Alex keeps alluding to and she’s just too stubborn to see it.

Lena is debating walking up to Kara, maybe offering to get her a drink so that this big awkward cloud that’s been looming over them can finally go away, when Mike fucking Mathews siddles up right next to Lena.

“Mike,” she says neutrally.

He plops on this smile Lena can only assume he thinks is charming.

“Can I get you a drink?”

Lena takes a pointed sip, the whiskey burns in that way she’s always loved. “I already have one, thanks.”

And please dear god let this man take a hint but Mike is nothing if not persistent. He tilts his head slightly and looks at Lena like she’s the one that’s said something strange.

“How about another one? You're almost done right,” There’s this little tick Mike gets when he’s annoyed and he’s doing it right now. His eyebrows pull down in a way that reminds Lena of those cartoon villains and he’s smiling but it feels forced. Lena doesn’t have it in her to pretend not to notice, not anymore. Not when her best friend isn’t talking to her and the only person Lena has felt she can confide in recently is her best friend's sister. Not when her mother is still avoiding her and her brother is asking for more attention than Lena can spare. And not with Mike. Never with him.

Lena runs a shaky hand through her hair, lets out a sigh that sounds as tired as she feels. “What do you want, Mike?”

The mask drops almost immediately. Lena looks at him and for the first time she realizes how clever he really is and how well he hides it. All those snide jokes hidden behind a friendly smile, every single time he’s interrupted when Lena was just being a friend for Kara… he didn’t like it then and he doesn’t like it now and for once he’s decided to read between the lines of what Lena really means. It’s not all on him, of course. Lena could have been more amicable if she had chosen to but the animosity between them has been running rampant and thick for a long time now, so long she isn’t too sure when it started but if Lena had to take a guess, she thinks it started when Kara had said, “This is Mike, my boyfriend.”  

“I want you to stop confusing Kara,” he says point blank and Lena is glad she’s leaning against the bar otherwise she might have stumbled back a little. Instead, she raises her chin a little, straightens out her back in that signature Luthor power stance and -

“There it is,” she says darkly, knowingly.

“What?” He asks, irritated.

“That nice guy act you put on, I can see right through it.”

“Yeah? Well you’re not the only one. I can see right through you, too. Why can’t you just leave her alone, huh? You’re hurting her.”

Lena reels back then, flinches a little at his words. Mike gets this smug look on his face that makes Lena want to punch him but instead she does something she hasn’t done since she was a kid. She flees.

Lena doesn’t remember putting her drink down, she doesn't remember pushing Mike out of her way. All she knows is she’s staring into the dirty mirror of the women's bathroom, her head winding back like one of those old vhs tapes. You’re hurting her, you’re hurting her, you’re hurting her. Which her? Because as far as Lena is concerned, she’s been hurting herself a lot longer. She never even stopped to consider that she might have been doing the same to Kara - but no. It can’t be. Mike will say anything to get what he wants. He already has it though, doesn’t he? So why get under her skin anyway?

Because he’s Mike, that’s why. Lena has always been distrustful of him and part of her always wondered if that was rooted in jealousy but no, tonight has proved that’s not it. If he was a good guy maybe Lena could get along with him. It would still kill her all the same, though, how couldn’t it?

Just as Lena is patting cold water under her eyes, trying to make herself somewhat presentable, Mike enters the picture.

“Will I ever get a break from you?” She asks bluntly. There’s no need to walk around eggshells with him anymore and part of Lena is pissed that she ever did to begin with.

“You can. You’re a Luthor, you can find friends in high places, why waste your time?”

Lena laughs. An awkward, scruffy laugh that rips its way out of her mouth before she can think better of it. “Is that what Kara is to you? A waste of time?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Luthor!” And it’s the way that he says her name that really gets to her. Lena knows what the grand majority of people think of her, what people think of the Luthor name. She’s been bred for a fight her whole life, prepared for showdowns in boardrooms, practiced heated debates over a dinner table. This is the one piece of her life she can never give away so instead Lena has chosen to reclaim it, to turn it into something different, something more. This isn’t the first time Lena has heard someone say her name like that, dripping with disdain, and it certainly won’t be the last. Hearing Mike say it, on the other hand, after months of playing the nice guy, he doesn’t know it yet but to Lena all she hears is permission.

“Oh I see what this is about,” says Lena, already taking a step closer. “You’re scared.”

There’s a moment, so easy to miss but she doesn’t, where Mike nearly stops breathing.

“Shut up,” he whispers and just like that Lena knows she’s got him.

She gives him a withering look, takes a tiny step forward, “The question is, what are you scared of… of me? No. That would be too easy.” Lena thinks back to every interaction she’s ever had with Mike. He always tries to put on a show, talks to people he’s just met like they’re best friends, has always tried to placate Kara and in a way, it reminds Lena of herself. Not the sucking up part, Lena could never, but wanting people to like you? Going out of your way to not feel like an outsider? And suddenly it makes sense, so much so that Lena wonders why she didn’t see it earlier. “You’re scared of yourself, Mike. That’s why you put on this show and guess what, it still isn’t enough. I might be a Luthor but everyone here tonight likes me for me, including Kara. Can you say the same?”

“She’s mine,” sneers Mike. He’s angry and wild and his words come out a little wet.

“Kara doesn’t belong to anyone, least of all you.” Says Lena and she’s surprised at how composed she sounds.  Her chest feels like it’s on fire, and the words she really wants to say rattle and shake and threaten to claw their way out but Lena knows better than that. Men like Mike don’t respond to petty threats or low blows. They respond to unadulterated truth, the kind that they push deep down until the only thing left are the little lies they tell themselves until even those start to sound barren and ashen to their ears. Like they’ve heard it enough times to know it’s all bullshit but they hold onto it anyway because it’s all they have left.

“Poor little Michael is threatened by his girlfriend's best friend. Tell me, how does it feel knowing that she doesn’t really want you?”

“I said shut up!” Yells Mike. “She’s never going to be with you, you know that right? She’s fucked up. She doesn’t feel. So if I have to feel for the both of us, then that’s what I’ll do. That’s the kind of man I am.”

And he sounds so fucking righteous when he says it, thumb sticking up to point at himself, like he actually believes every word dripping from his mouth. Lena suddenly feels like throwing up.

“You want to know how it feels? You tell me.” He puffs his chest out a little when he says it, letting out a harsh breath that reaches Lena from a couple feet away. It smells like cheap tequila. “Don’t you think if she wanted you back, you would be together already? You lost, Lena.”

And out of every stupid, reckless, stupid thing Mike has said, it’s funny really, that this is her breaking point. What makes Lena snap and feel absolutely feral. She’s rounding on him before she’s even thought about it, heels clacking against the dirty ceramic tile.

“This isn’t some game,” she hisses, finger pointing right at his chest. “Kara isn’t some prize,”

“Then why are you still playing?” His voice is dark and gravelly and he’s staring right down at Lena.

The door opens, music from outside filling in the space. Mike doesn’t look away from her so Lena doesn’t either. It’s elementary at best but suddenly this stand off seems like the most important encounter they’ve had yet and Lena will be damned if she looks away first.

“Oh, hell no,” says Alex. She marches right up to them. For a moment, Lena is relieved, finally someone on her side. And then Alex rounds on her.

“Danvers! You’re just in time to see crazy over here attack me,”

Lena is just about ready to lunge when Alex gets between them. She puts a steady arm across Lena’s chest and pulls her away.

“You motherfu-“

Alex puts a couple of feet between them and just like that, Lena can breathe. “Mike, you’re drunk.”

He looks like he’s ready to argue but Alex puts a hand up in that way she does and he quiets immediately like a little kid who’s just been reprimanded.

“Whatever,”

He clambers out of the bathroom, his heavy footsteps making the room feel like it’s shaking and as soon as the door closes behind him Lena crumbles to her knees and dry heaves into the toilet. It’s the filthiest thing she’s ever seen and she holds onto the basin like a lifeline.

She hears a string of curse words behind her and then hands collecting her hair and sweeping it back.

Lena spits into the toilet and tries not to breathe in, the back of her throat constricting around nothing. She can feel the bile collecting at the base of her throat, burning and threatening to spill out but it never comes.

“I’m still mad at you,” says Alex when Lena is leaning against the wall. Her legs are splayed out in front of her and she’s got an arm draped across her middle, her other hand still gripping the toilet seat like she might still need it.

Lena laughs. It comes out hoarse and pathetic sounding. Just like how she feels. “What did I do this time?”

Alex kicks at her foot and Lena glares at her. “You seriously almost fought Mike? What the hell is wrong with you.”

Lena has to stop herself before she says something petulant like he started it which is bullshit because he fucking started it.

“Did I seriously almost get my ass kicked because Mike fucking Mathew’s said something out of line, you mean?” And saying it out loud makes Lena feel stupid, really, because Mike is always saying something out of line. What the hell did she expect?

“No way,” laughs Alex. “You totally could have taken him. You’re tougher than you look, Luthor.” She holds Lena’s foot the way one would hold a hand and it’s just enough contact to get Lena’s breathing under control.

And then, “how are you feeling?” It’s said quieter this time, this look on Alex’s face that she usually reserves for Kara. It’s worry tinged with affection, a look only an older sibling can manage to pull off and it makes Lena’s heart squeeze for a different reason entirely.

“How much of that did you hear?” She deflects immediately. Alex knows. Lena knows she knows, and yet she still can’t bring herself to say it out loud. How would she anyway? I’m in love with your sister and too much of a coward to tell her?

“Enough to see how much of a jackass Mike is.”

Lena snorts, “I could have told you that.”

Alex offers a hand and heaves Lena up. She stumbles a little bit, is leaning against her shoulder when she realizes Alex is the same height as Kara. She’s built strong and runs just as warm and when she slings an arm around her shoulders, Lena has to stop herself from getting too comfortable. 

Instead, she braces herself as they walk through the door and into the main hall. Lena expects everyone to be waiting and watching with bated breath, can already picture the dirty looks she’ll get from their friends, how angry they will be at her for picking a fight with Mike. She’s preparing herself for the worst so when it doesn’t come Lena’s at a bit of a loss.

Winn and James are still shooting pool, Nia and Brainy are still dancing circles around each other, and Kara… Kara is nowhere to be found.

Alex seems to realize the same thing. “Hey come over, I’m sure Kara wouldn’t mind the company.”

Lena finds her purse, it’s stowed away next to Nia at the table everyone had previously occupied and she’s quick to shut down Alex’s suggestion.

“We don’t even know if that’s where she went,” she says instead of what they’re both really thinking. She chased after him. She did, didn’t she?

“Then come over for me. We can put on a movie and get trashed in private for once,”

They end up at Lena’s loft instead. The last thing she wants to do is walk in on Kara making up with her boyfriend. She tells Alex it’s because she has better whiskey and Alex shrugs and reaches for her collection of single malt Glenlivet. Whistles and says, “Fourteen year scotch? Damn Luthor.” And Lena doesn’t have it in her to say the good stuff is stored in the cabinet right above the one she was just rummaging through. If Alex wants to burn through a cheap bottle to keep her from wallowing, so be it. 

Two glasses in and all Lena can think is, this was a very bad idea. There’s a knot that keeps tightening smack dab in the middle of her stomach anytime she thinks about Kara. The guilt is practically eating away at her. There was a time when Lena would go to Kara, unbridled and completely self indulgent. Any little bother, miscommunication, it would be solved in a matter of minutes, as efficient as Lena has ever been and now mingled in with a sort of attentiveness that was less business and more familial. Intimacy laced into the conversation that only years of friendship builds. And now… and now Lena doesn’t even know how to confront her. Her own best friend and Lena has no idea how she is right now.

So it’s a surprise, really, when Kelly appears seemingly out of nowhere and begins to pry the glass out of Lena’s hand.

Lena sits spread out and uncaring on the same couch her and Kara had occupied earlier that day, her vision muddled and blurry as she blinks up at Kelly wondering if this is real and if she’s really here and why the fuck is Alex suddenly sober.

“What the hell, Danvers,” she all but slurs. A feeble attempt at rescuing her pilfered glass later and Lena is hugging the bottle of whiskey, afraid that will be confiscated too.

Alex shrugs, sips on some water. “It had to be done. Give me that -”

“No! This is my emotional support whiskey.” Lena unscrews the cap and takes a healthy swig to punctuate her point before Kelly takes that away too.

All Lena wants at this moment is her favorite pair of sweatpants she insists she doesn’t own and something cold to lean her forehead against. Instead, she gets this:

Kelly, on her knees, and gazing up at Lena with all the patience in the world.

Sam, who Lena is horrified to find out, has arranged this intervention. (A dirty word, Lena has decided.)

And Alex, who has abandoned her babysitting duties and now stands awkwardly between both women and Lena may be drunk but is Alex blushing?

“Oh my god, are you blushing? ”

“What? No!” Sputters Alex.

Sam gives Alex a long look, her eyebrow quirked up and Lena can’t keep in her groan. Great, Alex gets to choose between two beautiful women while Lena dies alone. She takes this opportunity to reach for the bottle again, everyone shouting “no!” simultaneously.

This is beyond humiliating as it is, Lena doesn’t need her friends there to watch. She mutters traitor at Alex and then when she doesn’t look up, Lena says it again but louder, satisfied by how offended she looks.

She’s only ever been to one other intervention in her life. When her fathers drinking got out of hand. Lillian spent most of it pretending nothing was wrong and Lex showed up late, a bottle of half finished champagne dangling from his fingers. It ended just about as well as Lena had expected but never in her wildest dreams did she ever think she’d be at the end of one.

“Oh honey, when I told you to face your feelings this is not what I meant.” Sam is looking as beautiful as ever and Lena suddenly hates it. Hates how put together everyone in her life is except her.

Lena can’t help it, before she can get a snarky reply out the tears start to fall, like a dam that’s been bursting at the seams and threatening to spill for weeks now. It’s messy and ugly and Lena presses the heels of her hands hard against her eyes in a fruitless attempt to just. Stop. She can feel everyone flock around her, surround her. Can feel the emanating support but she doesn’t know how to accept it or if she even should. How lucky is she to have such staunch friends? And what a bastard she is for feeling like she doesn’t deserve it. These are the thoughts that run through her mind at this moment. Not of the fight she had with Mike or the even worse fight she had with Kara. Not of her brother or her father or her enabling mother. No, those thoughts don’t need to run. They’re already ingrained in Lena in the far recesses of her body. She feels it in her feet when she remembers her brother can only walk so far, only has so many steps in a cell block. Can feel it in her hands when she remembers the way her fathers used to shake. Can feel it on her tongue when she hears herself lie the same way she always cursed Lillian for doing.

Kelly pats at her hair, “Let it out, sweetie,” and somehow that makes Lena cry even harder.

“What’s going on?” Asks Sam, her hand clasping Lena’s tightly and Lena holds on like a lifeline. This is what she chooses to focus on. The feeling of her hand being held, the warmth of being so close to another person. This is her anchor that’s going to bring her back, all Lena has to do is keep her eyes closed and breathe and she does just that. Fast, shallow gulps that turn into slow and deep breaths as the minutes tick by and when she finally opens her eyes she can’t believe any of this is real. Her friends, her people, here and ready for anything she needs. Lena doesn’t believe she’s ever had that before and she’s not quite sure if she’s ready to accept it but she would like to try.

“I’ve been carrying around this, this,”

“What?” Asks Alex softly, imploringly.

“Shame,” she finally manages to choke out and she’s surprised by the candor of it. How honest it actually is. Sam is still dressed in her office clothes, a fact Lena can’t run away from. Her best friend is running her company because Lena doesn’t have it in her to go back, is afraid that if she ever does then that will cement the truth and the truth is her brother is serving twenty years and Lena might as well have signed away his rights herself. The truth is, she just showed Mike what a short fuse she has and word will surely get back to Kara. The truth is, irreparably and so regrettably, that Lena loves Kara Danvers with all her heart and she’s been lying to herself if she keeps saying Mike was the only reason she hadn’t acted sooner. Lena feels something deep in her bones that she hasn’t felt since she was a child, all alone in the world and staring at her new family over a stack of paperwork that was taller than she was at the time. She feels loss and shame all swirled together into one, over her actions and her inactions and worse of all, over the way she can’t help but feel towards the only person who’s ever looked at her and thought she was worth it, thought there was something worth looking at.

“Do you know what the difference between guilt and shame is?” Asks Kelly. She’s so serious about it too, like this is the most important thing and Lena should listen so she does. “Guilt tells us we did something wrong. Shame tells us we are wrong. Guilt is a good thing. It shows empathy and awareness and it’s the first step to making things right. Shame is self indulgent, it lies to you and tells you you’re not good enough. But Lena, you are good enough. You have to know that.”

Lena peers at these three women, these wonderful women, and feels a feeling like something out of a movie swell and burst in her chest and work its way out of her mouth in a cry. This is what having a family is like, she realizes. This is what a support system is supposed to be. Lena feels sober in the way only a year long drought can cause and is hit, suddenly and fiercely, with the realization that there are two people missing in this room.

First, her idyllic and moronic (and loathe as she is to admit it, her very close friend) Jack Spheer.

And second, her Kara. Because Lena doesn’t want to be in any room that doesn’t have her in it.

The new guy

Lena doesn’t realize something’s wrong until the fourth time her assistant finds an excuse to enter her office, and even then she’s not sure.

What started as a simple reminder about the upcoming board meeting turns into a suggestion for lunch turns into a pick me up coffee turns into said woman in question bobbing her leg three feet from Lena’s desk, the printer whirring to life and-

“Jess. Are you printing blanks? ”

Jess stands at attention so quickly her knee slams into the machine. She looks at Lena with a thinly concealed look of pain, her bottom lip turning white between her teeth. Lena raises an eyebrow and hopes her look conveys “really?” but ultimately decides to take pity.

“I think I’ll take that lunch now,” she settles on and what she hopes to be a friendly smile on her face. Lena’s never had employees, that was always Lex’s department. She handled the numbers, he handled people. And now Lena is sitting at his desk wondering when those roles reversed so suddenly.

Lena waits for the door to shut softly before selecting her second speed dial.

“Took you long enough,” says Sam on the other end. And then, “how are the books looking?”

Lena rolls her eyes. Sam’s been away one day and already she’s micromanaging. And then she remembers the question and groans. Between the false transactions Lena has been manually scrubbing from their database, and the very real transactions that LuthorCorp definitely can’t afford now that they’re on a legal payroll, Lena is already anticipating the mass shutdown of two or three non essential departments. Now is not the time to be reminding her that if it comes to it, Lena will be the one delivering that final blow and during a new year at that.

“It’s a mess. No wonder he got caught.”

“And your new assistant?”

“I don’t know… she’s a bit of an airhead,” challenges Lena. Sam insists she hired her from the lab, her experience would be invaluable during assessment weeks something, something. Lena thinks she’s a spy, primed and ready to jump in the second she can’t handle the pressure.

Sam scoffs. Lena thinks she’s about to rebuttal but nothing comes. Sam’s playing nice right now. Still, that’s just another thing to add to the growing pile, reasons Lena doesn’t feel normal. Since when does Sam not give as good as she gets? Dumb question, Lena knows. She spins around in her chair and takes in the expansive floor to ceiling windows. It’s pretentious and exactly what Lex would want in an office he hardly ever stepped foot in. And now it’s all hers. Maybe. She’s still debating giving it back to Sam but hey, she’s here right? Baby steps.

“Is it weird?” Sam finally asks. She says it so softly Lena has to press the phone closer to her ear.

She shrugs even though she knows Sam can’t see her. “The view’s not bad. At least you decorated.”

“You like?”

“It’s hideous,” Lena glares at a potted plant in the corner to drive her point across, these multicolored daisies stamped all across the pot. Honestly, what was Sam thinking?

“Lena, be serious.”

“It still feels like it’s his, you know?”

Sam sighs, “yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Wait- Ruby! Crap, I gotta go. Hey listen, you’re doing great. It’s only the first day.”

Those last words ring in Lena’s head long after the phone call has ended. They persist through her lunch and during the board meeting, up until she collects her things for the night and turns off the desk lamp. She hesitates at the door, takes in all the shadows, and then firmly shuts the door, and tries to leave the exhaustion of today behind with it. Lena meant what she said the other night, half drunk and nursing a bottle of water Alex kept trying to force feed her. She can’t live like this, always running away from her family's mistakes and taking those burdens with her, always weighing her down.

At home, Lena stares at herself in the bathroom mirror. She wipes away all the makeup, leaves her skin stripped and bare. Blinks her watery eyes. She’s tired. And tomorrow she is going to wake up and do it all over again and tonight she is going to sleep and not feel like something is sitting on her chest for the first time in months. She’ll close her eyes and the only thing she’ll wish for is that the feeling doesn’t go away in the morning.

-

Lena reaches for the triple shot americano and gives a firm tug when Jess doesn’t loosen her grip.

“Miss Luthor, respectfully. I think you’ve had enough.” Jess looks at the empty cups lining her desk, and then her eyes go wide as if just now realizing what she’s said.

Lena squints at her. “What does Sam have on you?” She accuses and takes a satisfied sip when her assistant lets out a squeak and runs away.

Sam sends an email not half an hour later. All it says is, “stop harassing Jess.” Lena deletes it.

By lunch time she’s already designed a program that can comb through the company's financial transactions. It estimates a 100% certainty of completion by mid week and Lena lets it run for a few hours before realizing she can’t close the books this early in the month. She dials it back to 86% and wonders if a CEO should really have this little work.

“Only you would complain about not having enough to do,”

“I’m going crazy, Sam! You were so overpaid.”

“Hey! We’re not all certified geniuses. If you used the computer to process the calculations like you’re supposed to do, it would take you just as long.”

If I had the money to keep all my staff, I wouldn’t be going this crazy to begin with, thinks Lena but she keeps that part to herself.

“I like stacking the numbers in my head,” she waves off, and then as an afterthought. “Please come back. I would do anything to be in the lab right now.”

“No way. I came back to Jack using my office as a storage closet. I am not sifting through his old baseball trophies a second time.”

Lena can see it now. Jack tiptoeing through the halls of his own building and steadily filling up the shelves in Sam's office with tacky paraphernalia. He kept snapchatting her updates and Lena had forgotten about it entirely until now.

“Hello, earth to Lena…”

“Sorry. I’m listening.”

“I said, you’re the boss. You don’t need to schedule lab time anymore.”

And if that’s not the smartest thing Sam has said all day. Lena hangs up and stands up so fast she feels a little lightheaded and when she power walks to the elevator she pretends not to hear Jess running after her and waving her down.

-

On her fourth day, Lena feels like she’s finally starting to get the hang of things. She disposes of her nitrile gloves and prepares herself for a mundane rest of her day, happy she at least got a couple hours in the lab to start off her day. She passes by a table littered with test tubes when someone looks right at her and whispers, “red alert!”

“Excuse me?”

John is scrawled across his nametag and it sits crooked on his white coat and when he talks, he cups his mouth for emphasis. Or maybe he’s just playful like that. Lena isn’t a very playful person, and she certainly can’t imagine being that around a coworker much less a boss. Still, his smile is friendly enough.

“Word is the new guy is down here again. I’ve heard they’re really strict so I just thought I’d give you a heads up.” He nods at Lena’s hands, already fiddling with one of the test tubes.

Lena realizes he means her lack of gloves and she laughs softly, tells him she’ll take her chances. Whoever this new supervisor is, Lena is pretty sure she outranks him anyway. Lena wonders for a moment how Lex would have reacted to that. He wouldn’t have been down at the labs for one, no way he would ever risk staining his precious Brioni. He would probably be offended not all of his employees immediately recognized him. Lena’s not surprised they don’t recognize her. She hardly spent any time on the upper floors way back when. When Lillian had convinced her to work for the company right after graduation. She spent eight months holed up in a musty cubicle, coding to her heart's content and satisfied that refusing an office and slumming it with the ninety percenters bothered her father so much. Lena quit just short of nine months, when she realized that’s a whole baby’s worth and here she is wasting it on her father of all people. Life is created in nine months and here Lena was, getting the living daylights sucked out of her. It’s funny how life has a way of circling back sometimes and how ironic it can be.

Lena stops by Jess’ desk on her way back, asks her to schedule her lab time in the morning from now on and to pencil her in for the next three days.

“You mean two?”

“Excuse me?”

“Pencil you in for the next two days,” she clarifies. Jess furrows her brows at Lena’s blank expression. “You’re not… wait. You’re not working New Years, are you Miss Luthor?”

And oh.

Lena stops short. Has to blink away the memories that come to mind so quickly at the mention of new years. Last years is a little muddled, sometime between soju bombs and that one sushi place she loves for dinner, and a fancy japanese whiskey that Alex had brought out for dessert. Still, shouting the countdown on the roof of the Danvers establishment is a fond memory Lena likes to hold onto and this year, she will need to remember that more than ever.

“No, I suppose not.” Lena manages a weak smile. Jess looks like she’s about to say something but decides against it and Lena wonders not for the first time if she’s misjudged her.

Back in her office, Lena sends a tentative text. A simple “lunch today?” and has to put her phone in a drawer after the fourth time she picks it up to check for a response. The second she does, it rings and Lena is a little embarrassed by how quickly she scrambles for it.

In tiny black letters, Kara sends back “I’ll bring the food :)” and Lena smiles at her phone a little too long before remembering she’s still at work.

-

“Hey Jess, can I ask you something?”

“Of course Miss Luthor,”

“Who is in charge of hiring upper management?”

Jess uses a stylus pen to scroll through her ipad. “That would be Jeff on the 36th floor.”

“Have him set up a meeting with B2’s new supervisor. I’ve been hearing some questionable things about him that I would like addressed.”

“That’s weird…”

“What is?” Lena is only half paying attention. She left a single contract that needs revising on her desk before lunch and came back to another three added to the stack.

“I’m not seeing a new supervisor in the employee records. Are you sure that’s the right floor?”

“I’m certain.” Lena’s been hearing gossip. Rumors here and there. First from John down in B2, and then from Craig just a couple rows ahead of Lena's very own workbench, and finally today right after lunch. Two men by the watercooler complaining about their new control freak of a supervisor who overrode protocol and accessed their product files. Lena can appreciate when someone takes initiative but these rumors are starting to get awfully close to the truth. If anymore employees start whispering about mass layoffs incoming, there will be panic in the halls.

“What?” Asks Lena and beginning to notice the way Jess is looking everywhere but at her. “What is it, Jess?”

So Jess tells her… she tells Lena exactly how many hours she’s logged in the lab and how many projects she’s finished for other departments. From coding to programming to the eugenics trial. Happening in the lab. That Lena keeps granting herself early access to…

Lena lets out a strangled noise so abruptly that Jess hugs her ipad to her chest and takes a small step in the opposite direction. “I’m the new guy?!”

-

There’s something to be said about powerful people, at least, that’s the foundation Lena was raised on.

Stand up straight, take up as much space as you can. Never waver and never raise your voice, if you have something to say people will listen. This always worked for her father, her mother, hell it even worked for Lex. So what the hell is wrong with Lena that it doesn’t work for her?

“As I was saying…” She was in the middle of presenting a solution to their quarterly budget, had spent the week preparing for it and moving numbers around on a spreadsheet to find the change between the cushions so to speak. By day three it became obvious the company had no money to spare. A change in leadership is hard enough already without the new boss implementing budget cuts, the exact thing everyone was scared she was going to do. That is, until last night. Jess, as it turns out, is amazing with numbers. A fact that she would like to make clear if it weren’t for how blatantly everyone in this room is ignoring her right now.

She only knows two of the men personally. They used to tee off early with Lex on the company's dime. The rest of them, she only recognizes by their suits and their domineering stance. There’s a reason Lena never took her father up on these meetings. Maybe she should have, maybe if she had she would know what to do or what to say. Suddenly it’s the first day of boarding school all over again and Lena feels severely lacking. Not to mention that no amount of late nights with Jess would make this any easier. Her assistant helped come up with a solution alright, and Lena’s layoff plan was reduced by 73%. Limit the casualties, she had said. And she was right.

Later on, when it’s just Lena and the head of HR finalizing termination letters before the holiday weekend, she gets a glimpse of why she was so hesitant to come here in the first place. Remembers the real reason she quit the company all those years ago. Because she really fucking hates Scott from HR.

“We’re down two Luthors in two years, you know.”

Lena freezes immediately. “What’s your point?”

If Scott hears her tone, he clearly doesn’t care. He snaps his suitcase shut and stands up from his seat, a marmy smile that Lena hates already. “What makes you any different?”

“Excuse me?”

“Four days on the job and every department is hemorrhaging. Even your brother never caused that much damage.”

That has Lena out of her seat in no time. Normally it wouldn't be this easy to get a reaction out of her, but right now? After an exhausting day followed by another. After she has forced every ounce of energy she has left and brought it here in the hopes that it can mean something? She can feel every negative emotion from these past few days coming to the surface and Scott has just done the one thing that can push Lena over the edge. He has held the mirror up and forced her to look at herself. She knows. Doesn’t he know she knows?

“I am trying to save my family without becoming them! You have no idea what that entails!”

Scott stands unmoving, a shocked expression that slowly turns into a satisfied smile. As if today’s meeting wasn’t humiliating enough, she can add spontaneous emotional outbursts to her professional résumé.

In the end, Scott does bring up a good point, loathe as Lena is to admit it. What does make her different? Lena knew what she was signing up for. She didn’t need to take on this responsibility. There was a COO waiting in line the second Lex was out of the picture. Instead of letting the board members handle the natural succession, Lena recruited Sam. She wanted to get away for as long as possible with no end in sight. It never occurred to Lena that she would take her brother's place, but it certainly occurred to him and that made her even angrier. Her head still spinning following her brother's arrest, Lena did the only thing she could think to do in a moment of weakness. She had called for help. In a way, hiring Sam meant that Lena was always going to take over at some point. Asking Sam to step in, in her place, meant that Lena felt accountable long before she realized she had already made up her mind.

“Look, I love my family despite… all of it. There is a way to do this. The right way. And frankly, I don’t need anyone on my team who doesn’t believe that.”

Lena turns the light off on her way out, Scott still inside the room and watching her retreating figure. He’s smart, he’ll get the message.

New years

“This is my house too, ya know!”

“Alex! We need these,” Kara frowns that same frown that Lena can never say no to. It appears this does not have the same effect on her sister.

“ We don’t need them.” Says Alex between gritted teeth. She has a party cone on her head and Lena immediately searches the room for Kelly, almost certain she’ll have one on too.

“Fine! Then I need them.”

And thus begins a tug of war match between the two. Alex yanks at the tupperware that Kara has a death grip on and in the process knocks over a couple containers off the kitchen island.

“Control freak!”

“Hoarder!”

“My money’s on the blonde,” says Kelly. She walks right up to Lena and leans in conspiratorially when she says it.

“You’d bet against your own girlfriend?” Asks Lena, taking note of the sparkly cone sitting crooked on her head and trying to stifle a laugh.

Kelly lightly smacks Lena’s arm, daring her to laugh. And then, “hey, how are you?”

Lena doesn’t know how Kelly does it, how she can turn a playful conversation serious while still keeping her tone the same. She’s speaking softer now but that friendly smile is still fixed on her face, a gentle nudge to get Lena to talk to her while also letting her know she doesn’t have to.

Lena has to catalog through her laundry list of specially curated defense mechanisms before she can properly parse a response. On the one hand, she’s been learning to build boundaries, something Kelly herself advocated for Lena. If she were to follow that plan, then Lena would wish to say a quick response, a polite one, that ends this conversation effectively. On the other hand, maybe it’s time Lena went beyond that… right? She’s so used to shutting things down, shutting people out. At one point in her life, Lena began building little boxes, she learned to compartmentalize. She started doing this to protect herself, to shield away from tough conversations, but at what point does it stop? When does Lena hear a sincere question from a concerned friend and have her first instinct be to deny and lie and hide and decide no more?

“I’m good,” she says, and then a little more hesitant. “Truthfully, work has been harder than I anticipated.”

There. It’s out in the open now. A beginners attempt but an attempt nonetheless. Kelly runs a hand down Lena’s arm, squeezes gently.

“I’m here if you want to talk,” she says and Lena’s grateful. For the offer, sure, and for not pushing, not asking more from Lena.

Lena finds Sam in the living room. The apartment is a decent size, not particularly small but not big either. Kara told Lena once she loved it the second she saw it, with its expansive windows and herringbone floors the color of rich pale cream. There’s still a few people missing, Winn and Brainy, Lena notices immediately and that’s only because it’s so quiet without them. Kelly’s brother, although James rarely shows up on time. When Lena takes a seat next to Sam, she’s relieved to note that Mike is absent as well, and as she surfs the crowd Sam pulls at her chin with index finger and thumb.

“I’m right here,” she says, eyebrow arced in that way Lena stole from her. It’s playful and intimidating at the same time, just the right amount of tease to get your point across and no one does it better than Sam. Not even Lena herself, though she’ll never admit it.

“I know, I was just looking for -”

“Kara?” Finishes Sam. Lena is glad she interrupts because she honestly doesn’t know how she would have finished that sentence otherwise. Except that’s just as bad of an answer as Mike nowadays and now Lena feels cornered, a trap of her own making.

“How's work?” Sam asks instead of waiting for a response, when it’s obvious one isn’t coming.

Lena feels relief almost immediately and she settles more comfortably into the couch. “I convinced the board to hold off on sending the termination letters until after the holidays. I’d hate to ruin someone's New Year. Maybe there’s a chance we can keep a few?” Lena says that last part a little hopefully. That’s the kind of person she’s trying to be now, with hope. “It’s just a week but if the numbers curve up enough then that’s something right?”

“Right,” Sam says with a touch of sadness, but she smiles anyway. It’s easy for Lena to forget, not too long ago, it was Sam who was running this show and those were her employees and surely she cares for them. If not personally than in a diplomatic way.

“Hey losers,” says Alex in lieu of greeting. She’s taken the party cone off but Lena can still spot the glitter that’s stuck to her hair, her fingers, and the beer bottle she’s holding.

“That’s one way to greet someone,” says Sam, that signature eyebrow back in action. The subject? Embarrass the fuck out of Alex Danvers. And it works. Alex’s eyes go comically wide, as if she hadn’t realized it was Sam Lena was with. She lets out this strangled noise, excuses herself, and promptly runs away.

“Are you going to tell me what that was about or should I start guessing?”

So Sam tells her. And when she brings up that godforsaken intervention, it takes everything in Lena not to hide her face behind her hands. It does make Lena curious though, which is the only reason she keeps listening. It’s not like Sam and Alex knew each other. Lena’s life has always been pretty split. There’s Kara, and her sister, and her crazy friends that have become her friends that were always part of the package. They involve game nights and karaoke bars and celebrating wacky nonsensical national holidays as if they are real holidays. And then there’s Lena’s family and every tiny thing that’s accumulated due to them. Like boarding school. Lena went to an all girls but Jack was right across the street, in that same stuffy uniform. He was just as much of an ass then as he is now but he’s the only person who didn’t immediately turn his nose up at her. They went on to MIT together where Jack finished the five year nuclear engineering program in three but stuck around for the extra two anyway because he loved the frat parties. And because he was running away from his own family's business just as much as Lena. Those two, they were one in the same. Lena met Sam her second year. They were seated right next to each other during a science in management course that absolutely bored the living daylights out of Lena. Still, Lena wanted to study tech, Lillian wanted her to study business, this was about as much of a compromise they would get to. Sam has always been easy on the eyes and while she was taking naps and sneaking food during lectures, Lena was sporting a small crush. And then the bonfire bash happened during dead week. The second Lena realized how similar Sam is to Jack, any lingering attraction instantly vanished. Lena went home with Andrea Rojas that night instead and every day after that, the three of them were thick as thieves.

Now Lena sits on Kara’s couch, the very same one they’ve had countless movie nights on with Kara pretending not to cry and Alex surreptitiously throwing popcorn at them, and wonders how the hell Sam Arias knows Alex Danvers.

“...so I asked James for Kellys number, told her ‘this is crazy, you don’t know me, let's do it anyway’. The last person I was expecting to see was someone I’ve hooked up with god knows when.”

This surprises Lena. More than anything, it feels absolutely out of this world and yet… “oh my god, you and Alex had a sordid affair.”

“Shh keep your voice down. It was not sordid, ” Sam rolls her eyes but the corners of her mouth crinkle all the same, a small smile already forming and making her pale lipstick stand out. “Besides, this was years ago. I doubt she remembers.”

“Oh, she remembers,” Lena waggles her eyebrows suggestively and earns a pillow to the face in return. “That’s why she’s being so weird. It all makes sense.”

“Small world, huh?”

“Do you think Kelly knows?” She says suddenly, only now seeing the ramifications that weren’t so overt when all Lena could hone in on was the giddiness you feel when you get fed good gossip. Now that it’s sunk in, she can’t help but wonder. And worry.

Sam looks at Lena sideways, contemplating. “I think so? I mean, Kelly’s been a good friend since we met that night and she hasn’t brought it up but it hasn’t been weird between us either. Do you think I should tell her?”

Lena stops fiddling with the piping of the pillow long enough to think, and then says, “if anyone knows how to handle a sordid affair it’s Jack.”

They both say his name at the same time and when their eyes meet, they break out into giggles like a couple of school girls and Lena decides she doesn’t mind having both parts of her life together in one room. Not one bit.

-

When it’s only an hour till midnight, and everyone’s had one too many drinks, they stand on the roof of the building.

Jack had wrangled Lena into a party cone the second he arrived, announced he came bearing gifts and then swiftly threw a tequila shot down everyone's throat.

There’s glitter all over Lena’s hair, underneath her fingernails, a trail that runs from the hardwood of Kara’s apartment and up and up the stairwell that leads to them. Lena doesn’t have to ask who chose the decorations. She’s looking right at her. Kara stands in a pretty yellow sundress under the hanging lights, leftovers from Christmas that never got taken down, and she twirls Winn around in a circle. Lena watches, entranced, the way her arm extends out until you can see the lean muscle pull tight around her inner forearm. Winn pretends to reel in a fishing line and Kara laughs and stumbles towards him, her elbow bending and arm encircling his waist as they sway together. Lena thinks she’s the prettiest girl in this entire goddamn building. Lena tries to look at her face, wanting to see the way her laughter warps her mouth into an open smile. When Winn spins her around, once, twice, three times, Kara catches her eye from across the rooftop and Lena’s breath catches and for one shining second, Lena swears she can hear her. Lena rolls her eyes, tries to fight back a smile at the silly face Kara is making and Lena aches to be the one dancing with her. To be the one wrapped in her and surrounded by her.

“When do we tell them there’s no music?”

Lena turns to see Brainy standing next to her. His hair is shorter than it was a week ago. Instead of brushing his shoulders and having the excess tucked behind both his ears like he usually wears it, it’s been cut a few inches. He’s combed it back completely until it all meets in a peak at the back of his neck and there’s a stubborn piece that keeps falling in front of his face.

They both stand there, blanketed by the multicolored lights, the moon, the warmth of a crowded space. Nia Nal stands not ten paces away, half her shirt drenched where a champagne bottle has just erupted. Kelly stands beside her, a roll of paper towels in her hand that she’s too overcome with laughter to properly hand over. Lena watches Kara, her heart growing twice its size and then she turns to Brainy and can imagine his doing the same.

“May I ask you a personal question?”

Lena isn’t sure what he’s going to ask but she finds herself nodding yes anyway.

“Do you love Kara?”

Lena becomes motionless and immediately she wants to laugh it off, wants to deny, wants to get far, far away and then. And then she considers his question. Boundaries, she reminds herself. There are so many ways she can answer. Love falls short, it pales to what Lena is feeling. Has felt, for a very long time. Lena wants to wake up to a messy kitchen every morning. She wants embarrassing karaoke nights. She wants to lose to monopoly because someone always cheats. She wants to go out to a fancy dinner with someone who considers a clean hoodie dressing up. She wants to dance on a lit up rooftop on New Years Eve with her best friend, the only music guiding their steps the sounds of their friends drunken laughter.

Lena stumbles over a simple, “yes,” and then finds herself with nothing more to add. If the question is does Lena Luthor love Kara Danvers then the answer is yes, it’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.

“Why aren’t you two together then?”

How does Lena answer that? I love her, she doesn’t love me back. I confessed and then took it back. She’s with Mike.

“It’s… complicated.” She settles on and immediately feels wrong for lying.

Lena turns to Brainy. His hands are steepled underneath his chin. She expects a big reaction, something outrageous, something that attracts attention but Brainy doesn’t do that. In a way, Lena thinks he already knew. Lena watches him watch Nia and realizes that’s not really what this is about.

“Brainy, do you love Nia?”

“Indubitably.” Unlike Lena, he doesn’t hesitate to answer. Doesn’t stop to ponder the most tactful way to answer. Lena feels guilty for a moment. That she did hesitate. That she did ponder. Doesn’t Kara deserve someone who unquestionably, undoubtedly, unyieldingly loves her and won’t deny it?

“And why aren’t you two together?” Lena echoes.

“It’s complicated,” Brainy wisecracks. Lena doesn’t realize it at first so she stays quiet, her face gets a little serious even, and then he chuckles and Lena understands that she’s being made fun of. She laughs, too, and Brainy steps away from her flying arm just in time to avoid being pushed.

Nia meets him halfway, a glass of champagne waiting for him. Lena decides she’s happy for them.

And then Kara is walking up to her. She presses a glass into her hand, her shoulders now covered in a white cardigan to ward off the cold. Lena takes a big gulp, feels the bubbles roll around in her mouth and travel down her throat and decides she doesn’t need any liquid courage for this after all.

Kara takes her outstretched hand and Lena lets herself be led, imaginary music flowing around them. Lena can feel an arm snake around her waist, the small of her back. She can feel strong arms holding her up and wonders if it’s really supposed to be this easy. Her and Kara, they have so much history, so many reasons this shouldn’t work and yet here they are, surrounded by their closest friends and not a care in the world. Kara pulls her in closer when the fireworks start to go off. There’s a whole show going on in this city but the only thing Lena can look at is standing right in front of her.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” says Lena without even thinking. She’s got her head nestled against Kara’s shoulder, and every time they spin, the lights all muddle together.

“That night… did you mean it?”

Lena stands up a little straighter, moves away just the slightest bit so she can look at Kara. The way she’s chewing on her bottom lip, the way she stops leading. They sway together for a moment when Lena asks, “what night?”

“The night your brother got arrested. I came over and you said you -“

“Can we forget everything I said that night?” Lena tries to not have her words shake, she really does. (She really fails.)

The twisting in Lena’s stomach comes somersaulting back in full force. She hates the small step she takes. Away, always away. They’re still dancing by a catholic nuns definition. Kara’s arm is draped around her waist, Lena’s around her neck, but there’s a cold spot between them where there was warmth just a moment ago.

Kara pulls her in again, so close that Lena steps on her feet but Kara doesn’t seem to care. “What if I don’t want to forget?”

Lena’s entire body is absolutely catatonic.

There’s a moment, so subtle Lena could have sworn she made it up, when everyone’s counting down from ten. Kara looks right at Lena and Lena looks right back and when she flicks her eyes down Kara stumbles forward instead of away and Lena’s traitorous heart thunders in her chest.

The confetti goes off, everyone screams happy new years. Alex and Kelly are at the very edge of the rooftop making out. Brainy and Nia seem to have worked things out if the new years kiss they share is any indication. Even Sam and Jack drunkenly kiss when the countdown ends and Lena can see James pushing Winn away, exclaiming “I’m not kissing you, dude.”

“What the hell, Kara,”

They break away in an instant.

Mike fucking Mathews stands at the top of the stairwell, bouquet of yellow flowers clutched in one hand. Kara lets go of Lena’s hand and takes a small step towards him and the pain that floods Lena’s chest occurs almost instantly. But when she finally speaks, Kara’s voice is hard. Commanding. And nothing like Lena’s ever heard before.

“What are you doing here, Mike?”

“What am I doing? What are you doing with her!” He waves his arms out, everyone stops what they’re doing to watch. Lena has seen this side of Mike before, has been on the other end of it, but to finally have others see it too? A small part of Lena is relieved there’s witnesses.

“This is real nice, Kara.” He throws the flowers on the ground and turns to leave and Lena wouldn’t believe it if she weren’t standing right there but Kara chases after him.

“Kara?” She can’t help but call out because this is something she would have expected an hour ago but now? After dancing and did you mean it’s and every other signal Kara’s thrown her way that has made Lena’s heart grow tenfold.

Kara stops at the top of the stairwell. There’s a pained expression on her face when she looks at Lena but when she nods, it’s not directed at her. 

Lena looks behind her, past the empty beer bottles and deflated balloons littering the floor. Alex is looking right at her sister and shaking her head.

“I’m sorry,” says Kara and then descends the stairs and Lena is too confused to even chase after her.

How the hell did everything go so wrong so fast? And why the hell does Lena keep doing this to herself? She knows she can’t get this close to Kara. Not anymore, not like they used to. She should have never danced with her. Whatever Lena was picking up during that whole interaction was wrong. She’s wrong. And it’s about damn time Lena started to accept it. Even if Mike is ever out of the picture, there will always be other guys. These are the thoughts that run through Lena’s mind but the second she lays her eyes on Alex, all the pain evaporates and Lena is left with searing, unadulterated anger.

Lena marches right up to Alex, uncaring of who is watching. “What the hell is going on?”

Alex, for her part, has the decency to look a little sheepish but Lena is in no mood. “Lena,” she says, her hands raised in a calm down motion, like when you’re trying not to spook someone. “This really isn’t something I can talk to you about -”

“Like hell you can’t!” She all but snarls. “I’ve been watching you. All those private conversations. What aren’t you telling me?”

“I really think you should talk to Kara.”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do!”

Lena is reminded of the showdown she had with Mike, how they were toe to toe and Alex came between them. She’s surrounded by people but no one intervenes now. They all stand back and watch with bated breath. For some reason, this is what makes Lena stand down. She’s so angry right now she can feel it practically radiating off of her and despite her faults, Alex has been a good friend to her. Especially as of late. So why does Lena feel like she isn’t? Why does something about this feel so wrong?

“They broke up!” Brainy all but blurts out and everyone turns to him simultaneously, but no one looks surprised. Not a single person. Lena looks around her, from Brainy and Winn who at least look guilty, to James and Alex who have the gall to shoot daggers at Brainy.

“What?” Lena all but whispers.

Brainy is hesitant to speak up but even he knows there’s no turning back now. Nia bumps his shoulder, encouraging him to continue. “Kara broke up with Mike. They’re not together. Lena, please talk to her.”

Lena imagines this should flood her with relief, and a small part of her does, but that feeling is overshadowed.

“You all knew,” it’s not a question. Not when everyone is avoiding looking at Lena directly. Not when there's not a single person who denies it. The real question doesn’t need to be said aloud. You all knew and didn’t tell me?

Sam tries to stop her but Lena shrugs her off. She’s on autopilot when she runs down the stairs. Doesn’t think twice about it when she enters the Danvers apartment. Her only goal is to get her purse and then get the hell out of here. Instead, she walks into Kara kissing Mike.

Pain, immediate and across her entire chest. It doesn’t bloom, instead it erupts. It doesn’t spread out like a puddle of water, it explodes across every surface until she’s covered in it.

Kara pushes Mike away and he staggers, nearly tripping over his own feet but Lena doesn’t even question it. When they both look at her, they all freeze.

“I’m just getting my things and then I’m leaving.”

“Good.” Says Mike, sly smirk on his face.

“What is your problem!” Lena shouts at him before she even realizes what she’s doing.

“You know what my problem is!”

“Stop it! Both of you!” Kara gets right between them.

“Choose.” Says Mike. “Me or her Kara. Who’s it gonna be?”

There’s a moment, so perverse and big and it looms right over all of them. This is it. Kara is about to kick her to the curb and Lena is going to be sick. Mike has this cunning look about him, like this is his final trick and he’s been waiting for Lena to fall right into it and as far as Lena is concerned, she has. If it feels like a trap, you’re already in one, right?

What Kara says knocks the breath right out of her. “I chose a long time ago, Mike. Leave. We’re done.”

“Kara, we’ve been through so much together. Don’t do this.”

“You’re right. We have been through a lot together. Like that time when you promised you would leave my best friend alone, and instead you cornered her in a bathroom, and then you ran off to get wasted and left me to clean up your mess. Time and time again you have been reckless and selfish, you have lied to me and you never apologize.”

“Kara, I…” Mike takes a small step forward but Kara puts up a hand to stop him. Lena should leave. She knows she should leave but her feet are cemented in place.

“And then there was the time you picked a fight with my sister. Wanting me to stop spending time with Lena wasn’t enough for you? I vouched for you! To my friends and my family. You didn’t apologize for that. And, shocker, I apologized to you for trying to make you into a better person.”

“I hear you. I get it.” He says. But Kara isn’t done.

“No, I don’t think you do get it. I don’t think you get that I gave my heart to a lying jackass! Who was unaware of his behavior towards me, who disrespected me at every turn, who told me he wanted to be my friend and now you tell me that was a lie too?”

When Mike leaves, Lena almost doesn’t believe it. There’s a presence that sits coldly in the room, wedged right between Kara and herself. Lena can hear it mocking them and this mess they’ve made. Kara stands close by but unmoving and when she frowns at Lena, Lena isn’t sure if she can hear it too or if she’s just upset about Mike. Lena wants to ask but finds herself unable to, finds that her mouth is already making noise. She’s laughing. She doesn’t mean to sound so callous. She hadn’t realized it was her all along and when she does, Lena breaks it off abruptly. She stands up straighter, shoulders back. The only thing she knows to do to take back some semblance of control but it's too late. Lena will always be without control around Kara. These are the reasons Lena has to tell herself to walk away, even in the wake of Kara’s gesture.

“I didn’t know,” is whispered out like a confession.

And Lena is already so weak. Already feels so frail. What’s one more hit for the road?

“What?” She asks, no hesitation because when Kara says something, Lena listens reverently.

“I loved Mike, okay? I didn’t…” Kara pauses, like she’s considering her words carefully. Or maybe she’s not considering them at all. Maybe she’s spilling her guts out and trying to contain it all before it stains everything in this room. “I didn’t know!”

Lena suddenly feels cold. She wraps her arms around herself, seeking comfort, but all she feels are her brittle bones. The meat protecting her ribcage is tough, and her heart pounds against it, begging to be set free. Lena hugs herself tighter. She lets out a scornful laugh instead because that’s how Lena feels. She feels scorned and betrayed and every other word that means delusion.

“You love Mike. So go be with him!” She hears herself shouting and her heart pounds faster, threatens to expose Lena and these bitter words she’s saying but doesn’t really mean. Because Kara kicked him out. Because Kara chose her right in front of Lena and Lena still doesn’t believe it.

Kara paces back and forth in front of Lena. Any second now, she’ll start pulling her hair Lena is sure. “You’re not listening! I said I loved Mike. Not that I love him. Can’t you see?”

She’s standing right in front of Lena now. Close enough to touch. Lena takes a step away, tries to physically distance herself in a feeble attempt at composing herself. She feels so undone right now. Kara undoes her, piece by piece and Lena lets her because that’s what they do.

“I think I’ve seen enough.”

It takes everything in her to walk away. Lena turns before Kara can see the tears start to fall. Her feet feel like cinder blocks, every step she takes getting her farther away from the love of her life. This is it. This is the moment she’s been dreading. Lena has a choice to make, she can keep walking, each step stretching out the string that ties her stupid heart to Kara’s until it snaps. Or she could turn around, right now. She can rush back and apologize and tell Kara she doesn’t need more. They can be best friends and that’s enough because it has to be.

And even though everything in Lena is screaming to do exactly that… it’s time she does something for herself, isn’t it? Lena can’t keep living in pain just to keep herself together. Her body is mismatched, every piece of her made up of all the things she has loved and has felt and cried over. Every experience that has shaped her life and led her here. Her legs feel heavy because her mom never had a leg to stand on; was always at the mercy of other people, and Lena fears this is what was passed onto her. Her hands always shake when she’s angry, ever since she was a kid and would watch Lex react the exact same way. Lena always wanted to be just like her big brother and that’s been her burden in life, that she’s become too much like him. And thanks to Kara she cries. Lena is far from an open book and she keeps her cards close to her chest but ever since she met Kara and slowly let herself open up to another person…  every now and then, rare as it may be, Lena shows a hand. The thing no one tells you about opening up is that you don’t just start to let things out, you also invite them in. Lena’s skin is a broken mosaic of every person she’s ever met in her life that has influenced her one way or another and even though Kara was never going to be the first, a big part of Lena had always hoped she would be her last. The last person she loved, the last person she built something with, the last person to disappoint her. Because Lena isn’t so sure she can do it again.

When Kara pulls her arm and turns her around Lena’s first instinct is to be pissed off. Walking away is hard enough without having to see her face. Those beautiful blue eyes have been crying too and just like that, her anger begins to vanish.

A beat goes by, and then a second. Kara is frantically looking at Lena, like her only plan was to stop her but not what to do after.

Lena is feeling irritated, confused. She rips her hand free, “Kara, what the hell -“

And however Lena meant to finish that sentence, the second Kara puts both hands on her face and surges forward, every thought Lena has ever held vanishes.

Lena has fantasized about this very moment, has imagined it in vivid detail, but even her wildest dreams could never prepare her for the way her heart beats erratically, threatening to escape. The way she stops breathing, hands fisting the material of Kara’s cardigan. Lena sinks into the touch, can feel her face melting against strong hands. Her brain just about short circuits and when Lena closes her eyes, she forgets where she is entirely.

Kara kisses with a single intent. With laser precision. With just a little too much teeth.

“Why did you break up with him?” Lena is breathless as she puts a single hand on Kara’s chest to gently push her away.

“I would rather be alone than without you,” says Kara. Her eyes are still closed when she rushes through the words, has barely even finished saying them when she noses forward again.

There’s a thought at the back of her head that tells Lena they are moving but she’s not paying that any mind right now. Lena grips Kara’s shoulders, takes the material she’s wearing by the fistfull and kisses Kara back. It feels sloppy and urgent, like there’s an undisclosed period of time that’s slowly ticking down and Lena is going to get her fill.

Her knees touch the back of the couch and Lena pulls away a second time. “How did you know?”

“What?” Kara’s pouting and she holds Lena over the armrest of the couch.

They hover there for a moment, Lena’s eyes searching Kara’s. They breathe each other in, the realization of what they’re doing hanging precariously over them. Lena feels her heart pounding against every pulse point in her body. She needs Kara to give her an answer that will make sense. She doesn’t care how outrageous it is, how fantastical or unbelievable. Lena will believe her because she wants to, because she needs to. Because this is everything she’s dreamed about for years and now that Lena’s had a taste, there's no way she will ever be able to move on. Kara could ruin her, right here right now. So Lena searches her eyes, her mouth, her face. Tells Kara without telling her and prays to anyone who might be listening that Kara can hear her. That their connection hasn’t been lost forever.

Kara takes a small step back and pulls Lena up with her. They wordlessly walk to the front of the couch and sit down, Lena following Kara’s lead. They sit across from each other on opposite sides. Lena reaches for a throw pillow to hug just so she’ll have something to do.

“I’ve never been with anyone who didn’t make me feel alone.” Says Kara after what feels like a lifetime. She’s wringing her hands together. That headstrong woman that kicked Mike out of her apartment not twenty minutes ago is gone, replaced is the Kara Lena knows all too well. She bumbles through her sentences, she picks at the skin of her thumb, she looks just as scared as Lena feels. “The one person I wanted didn’t want me back and the people who did, didn't really want me. You were drunk and you started saying all these -”

“Of course this is about that night. Why is everything about that damn night?” Lena can’t help it if she’s still a little angry. It’s just that everything that's gone wrong these past few weeks has been a direct result of that night, of Lex’s screwups that are really just Lena’s screwups.

“You started saying all these things, Lena,” says Kara, uncaring of the interruption. This is her truth and she needs to get it out and really, wasn’t Lena the one that invited this? “You said you love me and it clicked. Why I always wanted to be around you -”

“But you didn’t want me!”

“Of course I wanted you! I just didn’t know it yet. And then you told me you loved me and I froze, okay? Everything made sense. We made sense. And then you wouldn’t let me talk and I thought to myself, ‘I’ve misread this entire situation. Here I am realizing I’m in love with her when all she’s asking for is a friend.’ What was I supposed to do?”

This would be the appropriate time to laugh. Because Lena thought Kara hadn’t understood. Lena thought Kara had, and then chose to ignore it anyway. Lena didn’t know what she was thinking. Not that night. And not every night that followed it. Not when Lena is still getting phone calls from her brothers attorneys. Not when her mother is making holiday plans like nothing is wrong, like Lex never existed and she and Lena can carry on just the two of them. (Lena ignores those calls too.)

Kara continues, never one to know when to stop. “I just kept thinking, if I could be Kara. Just Kara. And not someone's girlfriend, then I could keep you as a friend. I was selfish and scared and I didn’t want to lose you. So I kept pretending and I never stopped. I thought I was protecting -” 

“Wait,” says Lena, head still reeling. Because Lena confessed and Kara didn’t want her back. Because Mike’s absence these past couple weeks never added up and Lena never stopped to question it. She has been living through the lens of a mad woman, a scorned woman. An idyllic life burned and scoured away. When Lena makes a mess of her life, she likes to sweep it up into a cute little box that warns don’t open me I bite. Everyone’s been subtly asking Lena to talk to Kara. Really talk to her and all Lena ever did was chalk it up to awkward friend dynamics. The kind that have the potential of splitting a group up. And Alex has been hovering around Lena for what seems like ages now, always within earshot except when she was in cahoots with Kara to the point that Lena was becoming paranoid. Were they really talking about herself? Did Alex know that Kara -

The record scratches.

“You love me?”

The look Kara gives her is enough to make Lena fall in love with her all over again. Her face softens when she nods, head tilted just slightly. Her eyes are so expressive, so gentle. She’s staring at Lena in the only way she can.

“Why?” Lena whispers the word, afraid she’ll break.

“Because it’s you. There’s no whys about it.”

Lena wants to kiss her. There’s this building pressure in her chest and the longer she stays quiet, the bigger it gets, but there are no words right now. There is no metaphor that could describe how Lena is feeling. She loves Kara, it’s as simple as that, and Lena wants to kiss her.

What she does is so much worse.

Lena sits up straighter, removing herself from Kara’s space. They had slowly started to inch towards one another and Lena hadn’t noticed until she was close enough to count the flecks of gray in Kara’s eyes. Close enough to feel her warmth permeate her space. Close enough to open the tap in Lena’s chest and let it flood and wreak havoc, uncaring of its destruction. If Kara were to break her heart right now, Lena would never get over her. Would be getting over her her entire life, maybe even a little longer than that. But when Lena does move away, feels her back press into the arm of the couch, takes out her mental ruler to prove that they’re at least a foot away from one another, there’s no relief. There’s no breath of fresh air that tells Lena she is doing the right thing. It doesn’t wash over her as it normally does; in waves, slowly lapping at her feet and working its way up. Lena used to describe that same feeling to her quack of a therapist, would say that it felt like a balm soothing all her wounds and licking her clean. He had asked Lena if it ever occurred to her that she described love the way one would describe a ticking bomb, and distance and isolation the way someone would describe medicine. Lena fired him. And now she sits across from her best friend in the most unimaginable of situations. And there is no relief. Replaced is an ache, so gnawing that, if left alone, would erode every bone away, every ligament, every last faculty of Lena’s brain. Because Lena knows what it’s like to touch Kara and have that touch returned, not pushed away like she did in her nightmares. Lena knows what it’s like to kiss Kara, and not just a chaste kiss, but a full and deep kiss, the kind that has the potential to sock all the oxygen right out of you.

Lena sits up straighter, removes herself from Kara’s space because it is what she is accustomed to. Like a habit. Kara withdraws, too. Like a habit. And how curious is it that Lena has never noticed before? When did that habit form? How was it forged? Lena can answer in excruciating detail, down to the day and time and that handsome floral dress shirt Kara sometimes wears but only on formal occasions. Can Kara do the same?

Lena moves forward, suddenly and clumsily. Like a child who hasn’t quite figured out how to walk yet. Or a touch starved adult who is about to kiss her best friend because she’s just realized she can . Lena isn’t sure which simile fits her best, only that Kara is looking at her with this deer in headlights look. This kiss feels different from the others. It’s not as rushed. There’s no ticking clock looming over their heads reminding them time might just run out. Kara places her hand on Lena’s arm, the one that’s cradling Kara’s face, and when they pull away, forehead leaning against the other, she lets out the faintest sigh. It feels like Kara is breathing life into her.

“I’m not very good at this,” Lena closes her eyes when she says it.

“What? Kissing?” Kara jokes, never one to miss an opportunity. Lena doesn’t have to see her to know she’s crying. Knows that the tremble in Kara’s voice is as real as Lena’s shaking hands.

“You have no idea how hard it is to love you.” It’s an admission, the raw truth scrubbing until she feels clean. It’s also a confession, as if saying this is something to feel guilty about. A sin of the highest caliber. Lena has turned purity into a crime and yet she can’t stop herself from admitting it. Because if anyone will understand, Lena needs it to be Kara.

“You love me?” Says Kara. Not at all what Lena thought she would. Of course sweet, optimistic Kara would take one of Lena’s most shameful admissions and focus on the one part Lena has spent her entire life pretending didn’t exist.

“I’ve been walking around here for months missing you and feeling like someone cut a hole in me. How could you ever ask me that and not immediately know the answer is yes? The answer is always going to be yes.”

“And you’re with me right?”

“Always.”

“Then let me make it easy.”

This time, Lena doesn’t remove herself.

Nothing is as it seems (everything is as it seems)

It occurs to Lena, quietly and in the middle of the night, that Kara heard her and has been heard in return. She’s almost ashamed she didn’t notice earlier, but this feeling in her stomach is too strong to be fleeting. Instead it lingers and with it, Lena feels full. She has eaten each and every word Kara has given her tonight and has chosen to save it, savor it. You’re with me right tastes like their first Halloween together, when Kara painted Spiderman all over her face. Because it’s you has notes of beginnings in it, Lena in the corner of a little cafe, too engulfed in her work to realize that the answer to all of her questions had been staring at her for a solid ten minutes just trying to build up the nerve to talk to her. You love me is the perfect echo to Lena’s insecurities. These are Lena’s favorite words because it reminds her that she’s not alone in this. That she hasn’t been the only one with something to lose in all of this. She repeats them in a delirious state, caught between the living and the dreamers. Almost asleep but awake enough that nothing (and everything) feels real. You love me, you love me, you love me… and on and on it goes, lulling her.

“Hm? Did you say something?”

Lena shakes her head. The movement causes her hair to scatter across Kara’s chest. She is more awake than asleep now. Is conscious enough that the skin under her ear registers. Lena can feel it, warm without any barriers, a strong heartbeat just underneath the surface.

In the morning, Lena is too late to work to watch Kara make a mess of her kitchen. They linger at the door and around each other. Lena wants to touch her but hesitates, her confidence from last night is nowhere to be seen and left is the Lena of past. The Lena that overthinks every little interaction with Kara, who’s so careful about every word spoken lest it be misconstrued (or understood perfectly. Both would be a disaster).

Kara shakes her head, almost at herself, and kisses Lena goodbye. It’s quick. Like a habit. Like they’ll be doing it for the rest of their lives.

“Did you know quantum jitter on the surface of black holes can cause them to evaporate?”

Lena isn’t sure who’s more surprised. Kara, who is looking at Lena like she just grew two heads, or Lena, who can’t believe she just took a page out of Brainy’s book. Luckily, Kara shakes off the awkwardness of that too. She tips her head back and laughs, so loud in the otherwise empty hallway, and gently pushes Lena all the way out the door with a single palm to her chest.

“Have a good day at work. I’ll see you later?”

“Later.” Promises Lena.

-

There’s a robotic arm on Lena’s desk. It’s all crude metal and tangled wires and it’s sitting smack dab in the middle of all her unfinished paperwork.

Lena turns to the culprit, not at all amused with Jack, though he certainly is. He’s sitting in her chair, leaning so far back he’s bound to break the ergonomic feature, and he has the biggest shit eating grin Lena’s ever seen on him.

“I don’t want to hear it,” she warns.

Jack is quick to put his hands up. “I’m just the delivery boy.”

Lena eyes him, takes a dainty sip of the proffered coffee. “And transformer over there?”

“He’s lost his will to live,” frowns Jack. “Help me won’t you?”

Lena regards the hunk of metal distastefully, watches a delicate roll of oil spatter onto her desk, and then she pushes her sleeves up and gets to work.

She starts by connecting it to her computer to test for motor function. She tests each individual joint by rotating the step motors, careful not to flex too much. All in all, it’s an exquisite piece of work. It’s programmed to detect naturally generated electric signals from the recipient's residual limb anytime they flex that muscle. Those electric signals get converted into movement. There’s a transmitter patent LuthorCorp has had a hold on for years now and Lena idly wonders if Jack would be willing to corroborate using his bioelectric signals. Hitting the right combo on her keyboard and watching the limb flex all on its own with nearly no lag time, Lena already knows this is exactly what could push that tech over the razor edge. Even if Jack isn’t up for a collab right now, there’s no doubt in her head this is going to be the only thing the medical community talks about for the next decade. For an idiot, Jack is quite the genius sometimes.

“Is this pneumatic or hydraulic?” Lena asks, only a little bit distracted by the prosthetic interface socket, or what it’s supposed to be at least. There’s not enough give around the socket and unless its user is a perfect fit, the interface could glitch when trying to communicate with the residual limb.

“Myoelectric,” corrects Jack. He’s tweaking one of the wires that somehow got disconnected.

They work in silence, the occasional tool clattering on the floor. Lena tries to ignore Jack for as long as she can but eventually she can’t take it anymore. He keeps looking at her every now and then, and she just knows he’s dying to ask about last night.

“What?” She asks, exasperated.

“You need to give me details! The weepy ones, the dirty ones, especially the dirty -”

He looks like an overexcited puppy that’s just about to be fed. Does everyone know? It’s only been eight hours. Then again, it’s been eight hours. That’s more than enough time for the gossip mill to go around. Lord knows they’ve gossiped about much less. Lena’s been trying to distract herself all morning to keep herself from thinking about it. Jack proved to be the perfect distraction even though she knew he had ulterior motives. She just figured he would have had the common courtesy to wait until lunch to bring it up.

Still, Jack is giving her that look and Lena knows he won’t leave until he gets something. She thinks back to the whirlwind that was last night. Mentally skips over the exhausting parts, she doesn’t have it in her to think about Mike or Alex. Instead she thinks about Kara. Her strong hands and pretty face and even prettier voice when it’s four in the morning and there’s too much to say and not enough time so they huddle together on the floor. Kara has pointed out constellations from her bedroom window, starting with the ones Jeremiah taught her and then the ones her and Alex had learned on their own. The day after his funeral, they had snuck in to his study and found an astronomy book, had hunched over it for days before Eliza caught them. Kara says it was the first time her and Alex ever willingly did anything together. Lena has a similar story with Lex. She was five, only a year after the Luthors had adopted her. Not long enough to know Lillian or Lionel or their motives, but long enough that she had started keeping her distance. She learned early on to keep to herself, Lillian made sure of that. Until one night, Lex found her on the grounds. She had been watching him kick around a soccer ball. They spent hours in the sun, Lena’s little feet kicking the ball to who she was now realizing was her big brother. Lillian wasn’t happy with the grass stains all over her dress but after that day, it was impossible to keep them apart.

And now Lena sits at his desk, in his office. The reputation of Lex Luthor looms over her and every move she makes.

“It was fine,” says Lena eventually.

Jack honest to god guffaws. “ Fine? It was fine? We are talking about the same woman are we not? You need to give me more than that!”

And here’s the thing. Lena could go on and on about Kara. She’s spent years mapping her out. And everything Lena learned last night was just an extension of things she already knew. Like how the reason Kara insists on wearing those ridiculously fuzzy socks isn’t (just because) the wacky designs on them, it’s because she has persistently cold feet. Lena tried telling her it was bad circulation but Kara was having none of that. Or how Kara has sworn up and down that she’s not religious the entire time Lena has known her but peeking at of her extensive book collection, the shelf on the other side of Kara’s room that Lena has never had any reason to venture to, is a single file line of the seven holy books with multi colored tabs sticking out every which way. She also has a copy of Hamlet smooshed right between the Bible and Quran.

“Why Shakespeare?” Lena had asked, fingers dusting over the spine.

Kara had shrugged but there was this twinkle in her eye, like no one had ever asked her that before. “There are more things in heaven and Earth.”

Lena shakes her head quietly at herself, wills herself back into the present. She can spend hours reminiscing about last night but ever since she woke up this morning, Lena finds herself far more interested in the future.

“The interface isn’t automatically adjusting the tension. You need an autograsp function.” She says to an expectant Jack. These memories that Lena has of her and Kara, they are far too precious and she wants to hold them close, close, closer. Right between her ribcage where they can stay safe.

Jack gives her this look, a deep frown that conveys his disappointment but it only lingers for a second. “Nevertheless, it’s good to see your cherophobia has been cured.”

“Always a pleasure speaking to you Jack.”

-

Scott is still there after New Years. Lena walks into her first board meeting of the year, already feeling the inklings of disappointment from last time but does her best to shake it off.

Loathe as she is to not be punctual, she walks in half an hour late. It’s a trick finance managers use before closing a big deal. Ice out the customer and make them wait for it, put them on edge a little bit. Lena hates that this is what she’s resorted to but right now she’s willing to try anything. Between her shaky takeover and every department head already receiving notice of which layoffs will be taking place, there isn’t much on her side to smooth things over right now.

She’s happy to see that they at least sit up a little straighter when she walks in. This one isn’t too pressing of a meeting. Really, she could have had the head of HR handle it but being this new and this disliked already has Lena wanting to be as hands on as she can get. There’s a new firm being opened in Metropolis, another complaint she’s sure to get in news of the layoffs going on here in National City, as if both businesses don’t have separate budgets. Still, Jack agreed to work with Lena using his bioelectric signals and with that, Lena was able to give the green light on the Radio Project. An electromagnetic transmitter that LuthorCorp only held the patent to for another eight months if not put to good use.

Lena stands at the front of the room, only four official board members. The rest are possible recruits that have been interning and recommended by the board.

“Who here is a licensed electrical engineer?” Asks Lena, already knowing who is before they raise their hands by the smirks their mentors hold. Each department head got their choice of two possible candidates and as it turns out, six out of the eight raise their hands.

“You can leave. I don’t hire engineers, I train new ones.”

“Lena you can’t -”

“That’s Ms. Luthor to you, Mr. Edge. Am I to expect more interruptions from you during this meeting or may I continue?”

Morgan Edge is one of Lena’s least favorite board members and it has nothing to do with his ability to do his job and everything to do with how lecherous he’s looked at Lena throughout the years, really, any woman in the vicinity. He’s always had an air of superiority towards him and his ostentatious behavior has only ever been matched by Lex. At least Lena knew her brother and how showboaty he’s always been, how it’s only ever been to attract attention. Edge on the other hand has no qualms about shooting daggers at Lena in her own board room and that just won’t do. This is her company now.

Six of the interns walk away and Lena turns to the remaining two.

“I’m sure you all have far more pressing matters to attend to right now so I’m going to keep this short. There is opportunity here at LuthorCorp despite all the rumors you’ve heard otherwise. You are here because my colleagues have recommended you and because I allow you to be here. There is no question whether you will become successful here, the only question is how quickly. That is entirely up to you. This is the head of HR,” Lena points to Scott. “He will get you started.”

Scott gives Lena a small smile on her way out and it isn’t much but it’s enough to let Lena know that she has at least one ally here.

Lena hurries back to her office, unkempt in a way she wasn’t just a minute ago but the adrenaline from that meeting is slowly starting to ebb off and she desperately needs to decompress. Shutting her office door behind her, Lena does the only thing she knows to do. She texts Kara.

Twenty minutes later Lena is dutifully ignoring paperwork in favor of reading Kara’s response. It’s a flourish of emojis that Lena can’t (and won’t) even begin to try and make sense of but it settles her nonetheless.

Lena doesn’t even bother checking the caller ID when she answers, already has a smile on her face that’s reserved for her favorite person but that smile degrades the second she hears who's on the other side.

“Do you know what bad press is, Lena?”

“Mother. What do you want?”

“Bad press is massive layoffs during the first quarter of a takeover. Bad press is being seen visiting incarcerated individuals. Bad press is -”

“Will you get to the point already?”

“-doing the walk of shame the day after a major holiday.”

“There it is. Are you seriously,” and if there’s an edge to Lena’s voice, she doesn’t make an effort to hide it, “keeping tabs on me?”

Lillian laughs over the line, icy cold just like she’s used to hearing. It should intimidate Lena but all it does now is keep their interactions familiar. She may be a terrible mother but at least she’s consistent and Lena can work with consistency.

“My dear, are we asking foolish questions now?” Lena doesn’t say anything and Lillian tuts. “Well, since we’re at it I suppose I should ask how Kara is.”

“Absolutely none of your business but thanks for checking in. I really appreciate these quarterly calls from you. Tell me, don’t they make you throw out the company's calendar when they fire you or is it just a coincidence that you always happen to call when the books are due?”

“I resigned,” hisses Lillian and okay, getting a reaction out of her is usually the goal during these conversations but to do it so early? Ten points Lena.

“You visited Lex?” Says Lena suddenly. How else would Lillian know Lena herself has been visiting, or is she really keeping tabs on her? Lena makes a mental note to have her office scrubbed.

“You’re really not going to tell me about this girl?” Sighs Lillian and Lena isn’t surprised in the slightest that she doesn’t answer her question. They both always make it a point not to but having her ignore this particular one hurts in a way Lena did not expect it to. It really shouldn’t, though. Why does Lena care that Lillian has visited Lex in prison but can’t even bother to visit Lena in her own apartment? It’s not like Lena would want her visiting. She’s not even entirely sure she would open the front door. So why does it hurt anyway?

Because I’m the one cleaning up his mess and he’s still the one being coddled.

“Since when have you ever wanted to know about any girl?” Lena holds the phone between her ear and shoulder and makes her way across her office, uncaps a water bottle to pour over that ugly plant Sam left behind. “Aren’t you the one that told me relationships were a waste of time?”

Lillian actually lets out a genuine laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous Lena. Networking relationships are very valuable, have I taught you nothing?”

“Is there a point to this conversation, mother?” The irony that both of them keep ending their sentences with a question, neither intending to answer, is not lost on Lena. She’s just full of sales tactics today, isn’t she? Lena leans back in her chair, takes a small sip of water and closes her eyes, can already feel a migraine coming on.

“Can’t a mother wish her daughter a happy new year?” And maybe it’s the irritated way Lillian says it, maybe it’s the migraine, (It’s Lillian. It’s always Lillian,) but Lena really doesn’t have it in her to entertain this conversation any longer.

“No.” She says simply and then promptly hangs up. She tosses her phone and it goes skidding across her desk but Lena doesn’t open her eyes. She doesn’t even move an inch. She stays reclined in her chair, water bottle cooling her forehead, eyes tightly screwed shut in the hopes that she’ll open them and magically be transported to Kara’s kitchen, a warm mug of Kara’s terrible coffee in her hands. A minute goes by and then two. Lena opens her eyes and the only things sitting across from her is that stupid daisy stamped potted plant. Lena eyes it distastefully, heaves herself up with an unnecessarily loud sigh and gets back to work.

Metaphorical explosions

Kara is curled up in the recliner, fuzzy blanket draped over her lap and a ridiculous romance novel in her hands. The kind with a shirtless man with long hair on the cover.

Lena is on the couch, her own novel in hand that she had to bring from home because Kara doesn’t like science fiction, let alone own any. With the amount of time Lena has spent on this couch, she should have made a sizable dent in the book by now but when she peers down, all she sees is the same sentence she left off on last night when she was in her own apartment. Alone. Because Kara is tangible and real. She’s wearing mismatched socks, a crooked ponytail, and she flips the pages of that book like it might run away from her. Lena knows when she’s reading dialogue, when she’s gotten to a cliffhanger or a sexy part or a sad part. Kara has always been an expressive reader and not having to pretend that Lena isn’t looking? That’s her favorite part of this whole dating thing. Kara is tangible and real and hers.

“Oh my god, stop it!”

Lena turns to look at Alex. “Stop what?”

“Could you stop eye fucking my sister when I’m literally in the same room?”

Lena sputters and Kara lets out a loud laugh. “I wasn’t- we weren’t- what..?” Lena turns to Kara, gestures incomprehensibly with her hands. Help she all but screams.

Kara gives her that look. The one where her face gets all mushy and her eyes soften just the tiniest bit. Just enough for Lena to notice. You did this it says. Lena wants nothing more than to touch her. To crawl into her lap and wrap her arms around Kara’s neck, press her nose into her hair and close her eyes and just stay. Lena has made it a point to refrain, usually waiting for Kara to interact first. She can lie to herself and tell herself she just isn’t big on pda, which has historically been true, but a small part of Lena is still stuck in her old ways. Her brain is so accustomed to telling her not to get too close that a small part of Lena still listens.

Kara puts her book down and makes her way over to the couch. She doesn’t hesitate to rest her head in Lena’s lap, legs dangling over the side of the couch. Lena looks down at her, a smile she can’t help but let loose on her lips, her hand that immediately finds purchase in Kara’s hair, gently stroking.

“I said stop it!” Alex drops her bag of chips to cover her own eyes.

“Read me something?” Asks Kara in her quietest voice.

“Wouldn’t you rather read your own book?”

“They’re all the same, aren’t they? They all answer the same question.”

“And what is that exactly?”

“How do two people profess their undying love for each other?”

Lena stops her hand in Kara’s hair. Stops all movement entirely. She doesn’t think she’s even breathing. Kara peers up at her through long, pretty lashes and Lena feels her own heart jumpstart every time she blinks.

She swallows, just enough to not choke on her words. “I don’t believe I’ve ever done that, I don’t know…”

Kara giggles into her stomach. “Shut up,”

Lena laughs too. She picks up where she left off, that same sentence tumbling out of her mouth before she even picks the book back up to keep going.

Alex watches them from the recliner, chip crumbs getting all over Kara’s favorite blanket. She watches the way Lena reads so matter of factly, her hand in Kara’s hair combing back softly. She has to refrain from calling her sister a dork whenever Kara mimics sounds to go along with whatever explosion or fight scene Lena is reading about, her hands shooting up.

Maybe Kara is onto something reading all those romance books but she got one thing wrong. The question isn’t how, the question is what. What happens, exactly, after two best friends profess their undying love for each other?

This is what happens:

Date night, at least twice a week, to make up for Lena’s very hectic and seemingly never ending schedule. Sometimes Alex and Kelly tag along for a double date but only if there’s a bar because Alex refuses to watch her sister be all lovey dovey unless she has something to drink. Lena reminds Alex that she never seemed to mind when it was Mike Kara was being affectionate with and it isn’t until a couple months later that Alex (drunkenly) confesses that it was different with Mike. That Kara looks at Lena the same way now as she did then. And that Alex secretly finds it adorable.

The following week, Lena invites Sam to join them for dinner after a late night combing through budget reports for the new quarter. They’re clinking glasses when Kara slips her hand under the table to hold Lena’s.

“I didn’t say I hated it. Only that we have different tastes.” Says Lena.

“You threw everything away the second you got back!” Says Sam over a sip of her wine.

“Not everything. I kept the plant.”

“The plastic fern?”

Lena frowns. “I’ve been watering it for weeks.”

It also involves visiting Lex, although this bit, Lena does alone. They play a round of quibble which is a completely made up game where they argue and call it banter and Lena aches for a life she used to have knowing damn well she hated it when she did. On these nights, she goes directly to Kara’s apartment.

Three months in, a personal milestone for Lena considering she’s never held a relationship this long, and she and Kara are officially banned from teaming up together at game night. Lena would complain but she and Brainy make a great team. He’s insanely good at trivia.

The day after New Years, Brainy had gone to Lena’s apartment. Lena has opened her front door, toothbrush dangling from her mouth.

“Statistically speaking, when conflict arises, it is best to let the people directly involved -”

Lena had pulled the toothbrush out of her mouth, a confused expression on her face. “Brainy, what are you talking about?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m apologizing.”

It didn’t take much more than that to forgive him. Or any of her friends for that matter. Lena is still a little upset they all knew (“Not all of us,” Jack had corrected, pointing to himself and Sam,) but if the roles had been reversed, Lena isn’t sure she would have said anything either. Brainy was right, this was something her and Kara needed to figure out on their own and even though it took them a stupid long time to finally do it, it led them here. To group dinners and game nights and long nights at the office where Lena finally has something to look forward to after work. Someone. To middle of the night star hunting, Lena racing to name more than Kara. (She never does.) Makeout sessions in the dirty bathroom of Al’s bar after they’ve had one too many and right before they leave early, their friends egging them on to stay for one more drink but Lena’s already called her driver and Kara has whispered a lot of promises into her ear.

Lena’s favorite part is their mornings. She makes sure to wake up before Kara so she can make the coffee first. They sit on the island side by side, Kara editing her latest article, Lena skimming her emails. It’s habitual at this point, boring almost. It’s a glimpse into their future, the kind where Lena leaves for work and kisses Kara goodbye, calls her on her lunch break to see how her day is going, and always tries her best to leave the office on time if it means getting home to Kara sooner. The only thing that might rival that is evenings on their days off, Kara reading the latest best seller, Lena pretending to read her own book.

Kara is curled up at the end of the couch, knees pulled up to her chest. She has one hand on Lena’s thigh, the other holding her book. Lena watches her, the way she absentmindedly draws circles into Lena’s skin, only ever stopping to turn the page. Her eyes scatter, never once looking away from the words. And then Lena watches her throw the book straight across the living room.

“Really! You’re gonna choose him?” Kara turns to Lena, a small pout on her face that Lena leans in to kiss away.

“Didn’t like the ending?” She teases.

“Love triangles are stupid.” Kara huffs out.

“You said it yourself, they’re all the same. Why bother reading them?” Asks Lena.

Kara gasps dramatically, “for the answer, Lena! Always for the answer.”

“How do they finally get together?” Asks Lena, already knowing that’s what Kara is referring to.

“The build up is the best part,” she says matter of factly, as if she hadn’t just thrown the book out of sheer frustration. Kara opens her arms and Lena laughs and puts her own book down, crawls the few inches or so of space between them. Kara wraps her arms securely around her and Lena can’t stop herself from pressing a kiss against Kara’s neck.

“That’s not the best part,” mumbles Lena against her skin.

“It’s not?”

Lena shakes her head. She places another kiss on that same spot. And then another, and another. The juncture between her neck and shoulder, the freckle on her throat, the edge of her jaw. Kara meets her for the kiss, arms tightening around Lena.

“The best part,” she says, “is what happens after.”

“You mean how it ends?” Asks Kara and it must be a very important question because she even pulls away from Lena to ask it but Lena pulls her right back in for another kiss.

“What happens after two best friends fall in love? How does the story conclude? That’s the best part.” Kara laughs after Lena says this and she doesn’t have to say anything for Lena to know why. The pointed look she gives her is telling enough. Kara is the one who reads those cheesy romance novels, not Lena, what does she know?

Lena swallows her laugh and they’re not even kissing. Not really. Not when Kara is laughing too much so Lena goes back to her neck, that one spot right behind her ear that always gets Kara’s attention.

Kara gasps, her hands pulling at Lena’s sweater. “How does it?” She asks, breathless.

Lena swirls her tongue around the spot she’s been sucking a hickey into, only giving Kara a moment to register her teeth before biting down gently.

Kara tugs at Lena’s sweater again. Lena pulls away to look at her, the way she’s breathing hard. “How does the story end Lena?”

Lena noses her way forward, kisses her soundly and then drags her lips up to Kara’s forehead for good measure before pulling away again. Kara is looking at her the same way she looks at the stars, the same way she looks at a plate of potstickers or a stack of pancakes. She’s looking at Lena the same way she’s always looked at her and it’s so goddamn nostalgic because Lena can count on one hand the number of years they’ve known each other and yet she can’t remember a single moment before she knew Kara. Kara is looking at her and Lena is looking right back and there’s only one answer.

“It doesn’t.”