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He wasn’t happy, not really and not for a long time. However, it wasn’t hard to keep up his good natured, good boy image.
It was always hard to have what you want in front of your eyes, but not being able to touch it or keep it. Not that it was ever his to keep. Not that He was an it, anyway.
For all intents and purposes, he wasn’t gay or bisexual or any other sexuality that would make him be attracted to another man, fall for another man as hard as he did. At least, that is what he made others think and it has worked in his favour.
In the beginning, he didn’t even see it or felt it for what it was. It was a case of meeting someone and thinking: “need to protect”. Well, that and a mix of “want to keep him in my pocket”, which made sense since he used to be so small and innocent. Still was, innocent that is, because He grew so nicely in just a few years. Broad shoulders, defined arms, perky butt. He notices, so sue him.
When He arrived, it was easy. They all got that instinctive protective mood regarding Him. Sometimes, they felt no one could be that innocent and pure, but He was and there wasn’t an ounce of fake about it. They also quickly realized how low His self-esteem was, which only served to make everyone even more crazy protective and he wasn’t any different.
Yunho was fortunate to have San as his roommate. Fortunate since they had common interests and could play games throughout the night. He could also keep an eye on San and just support him through his issues. Yunho also made sure to help San with his dancing, teaching him all that he knew to the best of his ability, even thought he was also a trainee. San was a quick learner and so incredibly talented, that it wasn’t even a chore.
Yunho and Mingi were best friends since high school, but it wasn’t hard to “adopt” san and include him in their plans. They went out to eat, San went to book shops with Mingi and practiced with Yunho.
The first inkling that he wasn’t seeing him as just a friend came out of nowhere. During practice, he noticed San’s pouty lips while complaining about whatever and out of nowhere the thought of kissing those pink lips crossed his mind. He was so surprised that the Americano he was currently drinking got in his airways and made him choke. San was so worried and kept patting his back, while Yunho only wanted to run away. He didn’t though, not then and not now.
At night, listening to San’s soft breathing while sleeping, Yunho tried to make sense of everything. He never had boy crushes that he noticed, never felt attracted to any boy before either. San was special to him, he could admit to that, but to want to kiss him? He let the thought float around in his head for a while and concluded he did actually want to kiss him. That part wasn’t a fluke. He pictured San with his eyes closed. Small skinny San, talking in pout and smiling with his dimples in full display. Cute San dancing around the practice room and jumping up and down. San being San… Yunho acknowledged he felt attracted towards the shorter younger boy. He wanted to protect him and keep him safe, while basking in that glorious pure energy.
At that time, he accepted it and immediately let it go as a crush that wouldn’t go anywhere. He couldn’t risk the group they were still trying to create for a crush and he also didn’t want to make his friend uncomfortable. It was ok… until it wasn’t.
Yeosang arrived from BigHit as quiet and innocent as San, but while San had this immense energy that he showed when he got comfortable with people, Yeosang continued being introverted and shy. Yeosang wasn’t the problem but he brought the problem with him.
Following Yeosang, Wooyoung arrived like a hurricane of laughter and affection. He was just so energetic and loved to touch, to hug and kiss everyone and anyone at any given moment.
Yunho wasn’t an unfair person. It was known that Wooyoung played a huge role in how close they all were, how affectionate they all become. Wooyoung was also talkative. Truly a person who was in touch with his emotions and who wouldn’t let a fight go without discussing it and making it better. So they welcomed him with open arms and, in a way, finally felt complete as a group with Wooyoung there to glue them all together.
Yunho’s problem is one he could never voice out. Wooyoung (or was it San?) got attached to San. Yunho could see how Wooyoung was intrigued by San and his duality (shy but loud, small but with a big presence, an introvert who could be the life of the party). Nowadays, they claimed their first impressions weren’t good and they felt that the other was boring in the beginning, but that was clearly not what happened. They were both affectionate boys, one wanted to give and other was so very much in need of that emotional connection and physical comfort. So they got attached at the hip. Yunho saw it and felt it. San no longer spent as much time with him or Mingi, always looking for and joining Wooyoung to eat or practice. Wooyoung, for all his bravado, kept choosing San and everyone noticed if San wasn’t there, since Wooyoung would be talking about him anyway.
It hurt. At first, it was just this nagging feeling in the back of his head and light weight in his heart, but it got worse the closer the two younger boys got. Turns out Yunho wasn’t only protective of San, he was also possessive.
Time didn’t make it better. If anything it made it worse. San got more and more handsome and confident. He was still playful with Yunho, still considerate, even if Yunho could tell he was now behind Wooyoung in San’s list of priorities.
He took any opportunity he had anyway, to bask in the other boy’s presence. At least, they still had the games they played in their bedroom. At least, San never asked to switch rooms and Yunho was so thankful for that. So he hid his emotions and continued to play the good protective friend and roommate. He couldn’t even hate Wooyoung, who was so friendly and affectionate towards everyone… it was just San.
He remembered intruding on a vlive the two were doing while on tour, sitting in Wooyoung’s bed. He was trying to be funny, making phone calls, and finally decided to take the opportunity and just go there. They tried to include him, but at times it was like he wasn’t even there… He couldn’t resist asking (it felt like begging) San for compliments too. Just San… Just trying to make San look at him a fraction of how he looked at Wooyoung.
When they played that stupid prank on stage, asking who was wooyoung’s best friend… San was so hurt, Yunho had to immediately ask if he was ok. He knew San wasn’t. He tried to disguise it but his mood had went crashing down and it lasted even after the concert, even when a placating Wooyoung tried to reason and explain his choice and how it was just a stupid game for fans. That day San slept in yunho’s bed, holding him like a teddy bear and Yunho wanted to hide him away.
Wooyoung and San were friends, best friends even, but Yunho wasn’t stupid. San was falling in love and that hurt more than anything else before.
So time didn’t make it better… not his feelings or San’s. San never confided in him. It wasn’t the type of person he was. He was quiet and reserved, he wouldn’t push his feelings on someone else. It was wearing him down though. Yunho saw it because he saw himself in San’s soft sighs and mournful looks at Wooyoung’s retreating back to another date. He was the same when he saw them cuddle and just talk without a word or sound. Yunho was just better at hiding it.
The tattoos were confusing to him (and all the members honestly). Very on point for Wooyoung, who wanted tattoos and was impulsive, not at all for San, who’s father’s opinion he respected above all else and that they all knew didn’t want tattoos on his son’s body. San did it because Wooyoung had asked, it was that simple. San would do whatever Wooyoung asked of him. He marked himself friends for life. Talk about being bro-zoned.
Lately though, he was starting to resent Wooyoung. San was right there. This perfect man, body and soul, fell in love with you, was willing to die for you, permanently mark his body and you were rubbing your conquests in his face? If Yunho could have just one opportunity with San, he would treasure it and give him all the love and care he deserved.
Recently, San and Wooyoung were in a state of cold war, where they couldn’t live without each other, but fought for the pettiest of reasons. And Yunho picked a side… He would always pick San’s side. He was in love with him after all. A one sided love that he had no hope for. It was just there. A constant reminder in the shape of a hole in his heart. He could mend it he thought, he would one day. Until then, he vowed to protect San and always remind him Yunho was his roommate for as long as San would have him, with all that that entailed.
San would never see him as anything other than a friend, but that is ok. He could handle it. He learned how a long time ago. He just couldn’t handle seeing him in pain, so he would do his best to soothe that pain away, even if it meant pushing Wooyoung away too.