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Summer is about to end, but for some reason, Sunwoo is excited to go back to the city.
He’s spent the entire summer with his family and he missed his friends. Although he met up a few times with Eric, he still missed the rest of them.
Most of all, he missed Changmin.
This is why, when the elder told him that he was headed to Seoul a few days before the start of the semester, Sunwoo also cut his holidays short and decided to go back early.
He knows that it’s not as if he’s not going to be spending time with him through the year, but they’re both quite busy that most of the time, they only see each other at rehearsals when the rest of the guys are there, and it’s not the same.
Maybe it’s a bit greedy of him, considering they’re not together or anything, but he just enjoys his company very much.
And he’s very much in love with him, too.
Has been ever since he could put an image of what love was because it’d always been him. He loved him in his emo phase, in his ‘fuckboy’ phase, and now, in his artsy phase. It was impossible for him not to, but he never dared say anything. Not even when the elder’s actions indicated that he might reciprocate his feelings.
Sunwoo never dared to confirm it, too scared to lose what he already had.
But, who knows? Maybe this year can be different. Maybe he gets the guts to confess his feelings and maybe it works out.
Maybe.
He’s nervously checking his phone, looking around to make sure he sees Changmin before he arrives so that he can mentally prepare himself, but no amount of time would have allowed him to prepare for how lovely he looks.
He smiles so brightly under the starlights that he manages to put all of them to shame.
“You’re here!” Changmin exclaims, running a bit until his arms are around Sunwoo, hugging him tightly. The youngest closes his eyes and breathes him in as if it were the first bit of oxygen he gets in months.
“I’m here. I have been here for like… fifteen minutes, hyung,” he chuckles.
“Sorry, the subway was packed and I had to wait for the next one,” Changmin apologizes with a small pout. Sunwoo would give him the world if he could. “You look lovely! Did you dye your hair?” He asks, messing it up.
“No, the sun made it a bit lighter, is all,” Sunwoo responds, trying to get away from Changmin’s teasing hands. “You also look—lovely, hyung,” he feels his own cheeks blush when he says that. Sunwoo thinks he could write a million songs about how dazzling Changmin is. In fact, he’s pretty sure he already has around a dozen.
“Thank you,” and, without a warning, he leans in and kisses Sunwoo’s reddened cheeks. “Shall we? We won’t be seeing much of the fireworks if we stand around like this,” Changmin says, reaching out to hold Sunwoo’s hand the way they always do. It never fails to make Sunwoo’s heart speed up, though. Hoping the elder can’t feel his pulse against his skin.
They’re the only ones from their group that are back in the city, although the rest will be arriving through the week.
Sunwoo called a band meeting on Sunday, the last day before they start their classes, so they can discuss the plan for this year.
He needs to finish his music project this year because he’s already dragged it out for long enough. Has he been doing it because he’s terrified of showing the guys his songs only for them to see right through him? Only for Changmin to be creeped out at the fact that all of them are for him? Maybe. But he needs to put an end to that or else he’ll never graduate.
“Everything alright?” Changmin asks once they’re sat down by the river in a patch of grass, ready for the fireworks to start. “You seem… off?”
“Yeah, yeah, I was just… thinking,” he shrugs.
“About?” Changmin asks. You is what Sunwoo thought he could say.
“The project,” he says instead, and it’s close enough.
“Ah, of course,” Changmin nods with a smile, but it’s almost sad. Sunwoo wonders why but he doesn’t ask.
“I’m just… nervous, you know?” He blurts out. Doesn’t know why he feels like bearing his soul out today, but he needs to. He feels his entire body aching to talk about it because it’s been consuming his thoughts for the entire summer.
“It’s alright, we—” Changmin gulps, holding his hand again. Sunwoo doesn’t realize it’s trembling until Changmin squeezes it. “You’re not alone, alright?” he smiles. “Is it the songs?” he asks then. “Are you struggling to write them?”
“No, it’s not—” Sunwoo sighs, looking down at their entwined hands. “It’s not that. You know what? It’s fine, let’s—let’s enjoy the fireworks, yeah?” He smiles back at him, even if it’s forced. Even if Changmin calls his name to prompt him to keep talking and not shut himself off, but the show starts, and the only sound filling their silence is the explosions of color over their heads.
Sunwoo can’t help but think that none of them shine as brightly as the boy sitting by his side. And he’s so focused on the fireworks that he doesn’t notice the way Changmin spends the whole show looking at him instead, capturing the moment in his mind forever.
“Guys, I have something to tell you,” Changmin says out of nowhere and Sunwoo’s heart sinks. That doesn’t sound good. He’s got the guitar pick in between his teeth and looks at the elder as if begging for him not to say anything. However, their oldest hyung prompts him to speak.
“What is it?” Jaehyun asks, unaware of the inner turmoil happening in Sunwoo’s brain.
“I’m going to be away all year,” Changmin announces, and when Sunwoo’s mouth opens in shock, the pick falls to the floor. He feels like it’s a good representation of his own heart.
“What? Why?” Sunwoo can’t help but ask. It’s rather why didn’t you warn me? more than anything else.
“I got accepted in an internship in Japan, so I will be finishing the school year there while I carry out the internship,” Changmin smiles, and he does look happy. It makes it harder for Sunwoo to even be mad.
Part of him kind of knew something like this was going to happen. Changmin did tell them that he applied for the internship, but he also said that he was certain that he wouldn’t get it. Sunwoo knew that they would be stupid not to, but he also hoped that he wouldn’t leave.
He sees the rest of the guys moving to hug him and congratulate Changmin but Sunwoo can’t move, he can’t bring himself to do anything other than stare at Changmin as if he had to memorize him before he vanished.
“I’ll miss you, too,” Changmin’s voice pulls him back when his eyes meet Sunwoo’s. “I will probably still come back for the holidays and stuff, so it’s not like I’m leaving forever,” Changmin tries to reassure him, and all Sunwoo can do is nod.
“You deserve it, hyung, congrats,” he manages to say, and he does mean it. It doesn’t erase the bitter taste on his tongue, though. Changmin offers him a small smile and mouths thank you.
“Come on, let’s have one last band practice together as a nice send-off, yeah?” Jaehyun proposes, probably to cheer up the mood a bit. Sunwoo appreciates it, but he’s not sure if he’s going to be bringing any joy to the songs at all.
“Yeah, come on! Let’s do a hype song with lots of bass in your honor,” Eric chuckles. He dramatically plays a drumroll that manages to get a small giggle out of Sunwoo. He sighs and forces himself not to ruin their last night together. After all, putting up an act around Changmin is his specialty.
“You guys should find someone to replace me while I’m gone. I won’t get mad, promised,” Changmin has the nerve to suggest in between giggles as he puts his bass away.
“There’s no one that will be able to replace you,” Sunwoo responds, almost offended.
“Don’t be dramatic! He’ll be back,” Eric chuckles, but Changmin looks back at him as if he knew he stroked a nerve there without meaning to. “Besides, we do need a bassist.”
“There’s no need to decide on that now,” Jaehyun says. “I don’t know anyone that plays bass, though.”
“When are you leaving, hyung?” Eric asks, putting on his jacket.
“Tomorrow,” and that feels like a slap on the face. It’s bad enough that he’s leaving at all, but so soon? They barely had any time to say goodbye. “Chanhee will take me in the morning.”
“Chanhee hyung will drive? No way,” Sunwoo shakes his head. “I’ll take you.” the rest of them laugh because they all know how much Chanhee loathes driving.
“Okay,” Changmin smiles at him. “Thanks, Sunwoo.” Sunwoo just nods, looking away from him. He fears if he looks at him for too long, he’ll break.
They start to say goodbye to Changmin, but Sunwoo doesn’t want them to leave. Doesn’t want him to leave.
Even if he’ll see him tomorrow to drive him to the airport, he’d still rather spend every last second of his time here with him.
“I heard Juyeon was coming back today,” Jaehyun says, probably wanting to go visit his best friend.
“Oh, hyung is back?” Sunwoo asks. “We should meet up for some 5v5s.” It comes out naturally, even though that’s the last thing he feels like doing right now. Maybe it would be good to take his mind off anything or any one else, though.
“Yeah, but not tonight,” Jaehyun says like he knows what Sunwoo needs. He probably does, after so long. “I’ll just go say hi.” Jaehyun hugs Changmin goodbye one last time before he and Eric leave Sunwoo’s apartment, leaving him and Changmin alone.
Sunwoo feels like he’s suffocating under the silence.
“I… I should probably get going as well,” Changmin says after a while, but Sunwoo stops him.
“No, don’t leave, ” his voice breaks when he says that because he knows he has no right to ask him to do that. Changmin’s eyes are sad when they meet his, too.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just… I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, I didn’t want you guys to throw me a farewell party or anything, I just… I’m sorry, Sunwoo,” he sighs, looking down. And Sunwoo understands that, because Changmin has never been a big fan of surprises like that, not when they’re for him, anyway.
“I just wish I had more time…” Sunwoo admits, vision blurring due to his unshed tears. More time with him. “How are we going to finish my project without you?” He looks up again, anxiety crawling up his throat. “How am I—” he gulps down the words. He knows it’s not fair to say them now, even if he’s meant them for years.
“I’m not going anywhere, Sunwoo, not really,” Changmin holds his trembling hand. “I might be away physically but I’ll always be here, ” his smile is sweet. “I know it hurts, and trust me, it hurts me as well, but you and I… we’ll be together, no matter what the pain is.” He reaches out and cups his cheek, making Sunwoo close his eyes and he feels how his tears fall down, then. “But I have to go. ” And he knows that.
He knows that because this is his dream, and Sunwoo would never even dare to put himself in between Changmin and that which he’s always wanted. He just wished that he could take him with him, somehow.
“I know,” Sunwoo nods. “And I truly am proud of you, hyung, really,” he opens his eyes and meets his. “I’m just going to miss you.”
“And I’ll miss you, little one,” he wraps his arms around him this time and hugs Sunwoo so tightly that he almost feels his broken pieces slot back together. They always do, somehow, whenever Changmin is around.
He wonders how is he going to survive a year without him.
“But, as I said, we’ll talk often, and we can video chat as well! It’s going to be as if I hadn’t left at all.” And Sunwoo knows that he’s just saying that to comfort him, because the empty space he’s going to be leaving behind will be too great to be filled by a few conversations every other day, but he still nods.
He doesn’t want him to feel guilty for this.
“I really do need to go, though. I still haven’t finished packing and I promised Chanhee I’d be back for dinner,” Changmin says regrettably.
“Do you think hyung will mind if I join you? I don’t want—” he cuts himself off before he blurts out I don’t want to waste any of the seconds you’ve got left here. “I wanna be with you tonight.” He says instead. Changmin just smiles and nods.
“As long as you don’t try to take the stuff out of my suitcase and make a mess out of it, then fine,” Sunwoo can’t help but laugh properly for the first time since Changmin broke the news to them.
“Damn, you know me too well, you ruined my plans,” he shakes his head, and Changmin giggles. “Let’s go, then,” and he puts his guitar down next to Changmin’s bass on his couch. He can tidy all of that another time.
It’s times like these when Sunwoo wishes it could be a bit colder so that he’d have an excuse to hold Changmin’s hand all the way to his and Chanhee’s apartment without feeling guilty, but when it’s Changmin that reaches out, he thinks it’ll be alright.
Changmin is finishing packing his toiletries and stuff when Chanhee arrives back at their apartment. Sunwoo is the first thing he sees when he walks into his roommate’s bedroom.
“Oh! Sunwoo, hi,” his hyung says, sounding a bit surprised to see him there. But, considering he’s sitting next to Changmin’s full suitcase, Chanhee guesses that the younger one already knows.
“Hey, hyung,” his smile is small, and it also must be sad by the face Chanhee makes before he takes a few steps to hug him.
“Are you alright?” He asks, now that Changmin isn’t there. Truthfully, Sunwoo doesn’t know. He thinks he still hasn’t accepted it, so he’s a bit numb to it. “Are you staying tonight?” Chanhee asks.
“He’s actually going to be driving me to the airport tomorrow so you don’t need to,” Changmin says, walking back into the room with the toilet bag in his hands.
“Oh, are you?! You’re my savior, thank you,” Chanhee laughs, hugging Sunwoo again. “I’m coming with, though. There’s no way in hell I’m not.”
“Wasn’t expecting anything less,” Changmin chuckles adding the bag to the suitcase.
Sunwoo wonders how he’s managed to pack everything so neatly, but then again, he’s always been the messy one.
“You should’ve told me Sunwoo was coming, I brought some food but now there might not be enough for all of us,” Chanhee says.
“Oh, it’s fine, I can—” Sunwoo starts, but Changmin cuts him off.
“No, you’re not leaving,” he says and Sunwoo can’t help the smile that creeps into his face.
“I was gonna say that I can eat anything. Make myself some food or something, I don’t mind.” And Changmin’s cheeks burn after that. Sunwoo sees Chanhee cover his mouth so that his friend doesn’t see that he’s laughing.
“Oh, okay,” Changmin stands up and starts walking out of the room. “Well, let’s eat, then.”
Sunwoo can’t believe he’s not going to be having more of this for a while.
He misses it already.
He’s grateful for the excuse that allows him to hold Changmin through the night, but at the same time, when their alarms go off in the morning, it hurts more to let him go. He barely slept at all, wanting to make the most of the night, even if Changmin was asleep.
He knows it’s stupid to feel so sad when he knows that Changmin will come back because he promised. Under his covers, in the darkness of the night, he promised he’d come back, and Sunwoo believes him.
But as he drives him to the airport, his chest feels tight, and not even the bright music Chanhee is playing to cheer them up is helping.
He should’ve said something, he should’ve done more. But now he’s dragging his suitcases through the airport as they walk him to the line so he can check them in. Now he’s watching as they get labeled and taken away from him, now he’s seeing Chanhee cry as he hugs him in front of the security line, and feeling like someone’s stabbed him in the gut when Changmin turns to look at him and is crying, too.
“Come here,” Changmin whispers before he hugs Sunwoo and the younger boy breaks. “D-Don’t cry,” he says as he also cries. “I told you, didn’t I? We’ll be together, no matter what the pain is.” But the pain is too overwhelming.
Changmin forces himself to pull away and holds Sunwoo’s face in his hands, pressing their foreheads together.
“Changmin, they’re calling your flight,” Chanhee says, and when Sunwoo looks at his hyung, he sees how sorry he feels for breaking the moment.
“Yeah, I should… I should go,” he gulps and pulls away. “I’ll text you when I land, yeah?” He forces himself to smile, wiping his tears off. “I love you both!” And, almost as if he was scared that if he looked back, he’d never be leaving, he runs to the security check and disappears completely.
Sunwoo doesn’t realize how much he’s crying until Chanhee hugs him.
“I know, I’m sorry, Sunwoo,” he whispers. “Let’s go, I’ll drive us back.”
The first weeks of classes are by all means hard. Not even meeting up to play some League with his hyungs helps cheer him up, so that’s worrying.
Of course, at least he knows the reason why he’s feeling like this, even if knowing doesn’t help in the slightest.
If only he could put all of his emotions into words, he thinks he would manage to get amazing songs out of his dark times, but not even those are flowing, because everything reminds him of Changmin.
Of course, as he promised, they talk pretty much every day, but it’s still not the same. He misses his laugh, the way his eyes shine brighter than the sky full of stars, his touch... He just misses him.
Fortunately, he’s not the only one feeling the emptiness that Changmin left behind.
“I brought you some goodies,” Chanhee smiles, leaving a bag full of stuff on his aisle.
“You didn’t have to, hyung, I have more than enough—”
“Last time I came you didn’t even have a bottle of water to offer me!” Chanhee complains.
“I offered you tap water, though,” and Chanhee just glares at him. It’s true that it’s not their favorite, but it wouldn’t have killed him.
“I promised Changmin I wouldn’t let you starve and would look out for you in his absence, so just take them and shut it, yeah?” Chanhee smiles, putting away all the things he brought.
Something warm spreads across his chest at the mention of the eldest worrying about him.
“Have you told him that I’ve been depressed since he left?” Sunwoo asks, sitting on one of the stools and watching Chanhee trail across his kitchen as if he owned it.
“Oh, honey, I didn’t need to,” he chuckles. “You guys speak pretty much every day, he knows. And trust me, he’s sad, too.”
“He doesn’t sound sad when we speak,” Sunwoo points out, and Chanhee sighs.
“Of course, he doesn’t. When has Changmin allowed himself to be sad in front of you? He doesn’t want you to worry.” And he’s right about that. One thing they’ve struggled with the most during their years being friends was how closed off Changmin tended to be about his feelings. Always keeping them too close to his own heart that no one else would know until they blew up in his face. “Offer him to video call him next time, you’ll see the bag under his eyes, then.”
The thought of seeing him again through the screen is both exciting and heartbreaking. In fact, he’s been reluctant to suggest video calling because hearing his voice has been hard enough as it is.
“I’m gonna make you some dinner, is that alright?” Chanhee asks even if he’s already getting the ingredients ready.
“Thank you, hyung,” he says sincerely, meaning for more than just tonight.
“Anytime, Sunwoo.”
Sunwoo isn’t sure why he’s sweating but he is. As he waits for Changmin to join their Discord call, he keeps checking his own camera, thinking how maybe he should’ve put a bit more effort, maybe wearing other clothes. But this is Changmin , not a job interview or anything.
He’s nibbling at his lower lip so much that he eventually peels off a bit of skin, tasting the iron on his tongue.
The sound of someone joining the call startles him, but the sight of Changmin on the other side of the screen feels like home.
“Hey, there! Can you hear me?” Changmin asks, but Sunwoo is just so taken aback by how handsome he is that he forgets to reply. “Sunwoo? Are you there?” His hyung asks, looking distressed.
“Yeah! Yes, I hear you, hyung, hey,” he says. “Hi,” he repeats, feeling stupid, but he’s so nervous, he can’t help it.
“Hi,” Changmin chuckles. “Your hair got longer,” he notices, and Sunwoo unconsciously brushes it off his eyes so he can see him better. “It looks good, you look good, I’m glad,” his smile is real.
Chanhee was right, though, he does look tired.
“Yeah, Chanhee hyung has been pretty much feeding me for the past month,” Sunwoo chuckles. “How have you been, hyung? How’s everything over there?” He asks because although they do speak every day through texts and have called each other a few times, their conversations are too short most of the time.
“It’s alright! I mean… it’s also a bit weird, though, like—I didn’t expect things to be so different, but they are, so it’s taken me a bit to get used to everything. Classes are alright but also a bit hard because I don’t really know the language that well,” he sighs.
“I’m sorry to hear that…” Sunwoo tells him.
“It’s alright, I guess it just will take a bit to get used to all of it, but I’m alright! The internship is really cool, though, I’m learning a lot,” he smiles then, and it puts Sunwoo’s heart at ease. “How’s the project going? Any advances?”
“Not really, no,” Sunwoo ashamedly admits. “Guess I’m still a bit stuck, but Jaehyun hyung called us in today to—” he checks the time as he speaks and his eyes open wide.
“To what?” Changmin asks.
“Fuck, I’m late,” Sunwoo says. “I—We’re supposed to be meeting to discuss something about the band and I—I lost track of time, shit.”
“Oh, it’s okay! I was a bit later than I said I would be, so it’s on me, I’m sorry,” Changmin says. “You can go, it’s fine! We can talk another time, don’t worry.”
But Sunwoo doesn’t want to go or stop seeing the boy’s smile, even if it’s on his screen and not in real life.
“Let’s just video call from now on, okay? I miss seeing your face,” Sunwoo says and speaks again before Changmin gets the chance to, his cheeks a bit colored from his words. “See you soon, hyung, bye!” And he disconnects the call, closes his laptop, and rushes out of his apartment to make sure he’s not too late to the meeting, but he knows he probably will be and they will tease him for it.
In fact, when Jaehyun calls him, he’s still got a few minutes until he gets there, but he runs as fast as he can, getting there out of breath but with his heart feeling a bit lighter now that he’s seen Changmin, even if it was brief.
It seems to have given him enough strength to face the day and… who knows, maybe even survive the night.
Sunwoo comes back from Jaehyun’s apartment really late after the meeting because the elder ended up making them some dinner per Eric’s request. They also had some drinks, enough for Sunwoo’s mind to wonder and for his creativity to surface.
His apartment is pitch-black when he steps in, only the light from the full moon seeping through his bedroom curtains, lighting his guitar and his notebook as if it were a sign. Or maybe Sunwoo did drink too much.
He gets his laptop and his guitar and starts playing with his headphones on to make sure he doesn’t bother the neighbors, considering how late it is.
A baby cries in the building in front of him, and Sunwoo stops to hear how he gets cuddled until he stops. He smiles a bit bitterly and words start to spill out of him.
He keeps writing and crossing out words that he doesn’t like, letting the melody he started playing loop on his headphones until it lulls him to sleep, the laptop still on, the guitar on the other side of his bed, the notebook open where he spilled his heart out and the sun peaking through his window.
“Look who’s late today,” Changmin giggles once Sunwoo joins the call. He was in the shower when the eldest suggested calling before his internship and, even though he rushed as much as he could, he still was a bit late.
“Sorry, sorry, you should’ve warned me earlier, hyung,” Sunwoo smiles. They’ve been doing these calls a few times a week whenever they have a bit of time, and it’s honestly making his absence a bit easier. Of course, once the call ends, he feels a bit emptier.
“I know, my bad, I just—I guess I needed a bit of Sunwootonin before heading to class today.” And Sunwoo can’t help but laugh at that.
“Sunwootonin? What the fuck is that?” he chuckles, but Changmin just shrugs, smiling. “How is it going this week, hyung? It’s getting colder here, I hope you’re staying warm,” Sunwoo says.
“Yeah, it’s getting colder as well, I’m glad I brought my winter clothes even if I’m coming back for Christmas and would most likely get them then.”
“You’re coming back for Christmas?” Sunwoo asks, sounding a bit too surprised.
“Yeah, of course, I promised I would, didn’t I?” Changmin chuckles, and, truthfully, he did. Sunwoo just didn’t want to get his hopes up just in case.
“Yeah, but—Well, since you didn’t say anything I thought maybe something had come up and you couldn’t make it,” Sunwoo admits. “That’s great, hyung, I can’t wait to see you.”
“Will you go back home for the break?” Changmin asks, but Sunwoo shakes his head.
“I actually thought I could use that time to work on some songs if I got inspired by the season or something,” he chuckles. “Are you?”
“No, I… Well, since my parents came for my birthday, I decided to just spend the holidays in Seoul with you guys,” he smiles and Sunwoo feels his chest light up. He’s seeing Changmin soon.
“That’s… that’s great, hyung,” he can’t even hide his excitement, even if he’s covering his smile. “By the way, I wanted to ask you something,” he says, Changmin tilting his face curiously. Sunwoo’s heart melts at the sight. “I was wondering if you could… Well, you know, um—”
“Sunwoo, just breathe,” Changmin chuckles a bit, and Sunwoo isn’t sure why he’s so nervous. It’s not like he’s confessing his undying love for him… yet.
“I just wanted you to be a part of the mixtape even if you’re far away, so although you won’t be there for the recording and Juyeon hyung will be stepping in, I was wondering if you could design the cover for it? You… You’ve been a great part of this whole project since it started, it wouldn’t feel right not to have you in it, somehow,” he says, biting his lip, and before he can say anything, his doorbell rings, and he frowns.
“Expecting someone?” Changmin chuckles.
“Uh… no? Wait, let me see—” and he stands and goes to see who it is. He’s not surprised when he finds Chanhee with a bag on his doorstep. “Hey, hyung—”
“Hello! I brought you some stuff,” Chanhee smiles, letting himself in.
“Is that Chanhee?” Changmin asks from the laptop and his best friend gasps.
“Oh, you were calling Changmin? Helloooo!” He runs until he’s by the screen, waving at him. Changmin’s laugh is the sweetest melody Sunwoo will never be able to compose.
“Yeah, he’s taking the job you gave him very seriously. I never get to run out of food anymore,” Sunwoo says, sitting back down.
“Good! You shouldn’t!” Changmin spits back, chuckling.
“Oh, by the way, I’ve been meaning to show you this—” Chanhee says and takes out something from his pocket and shows Changmin, but when Sunwoo sees it, his eyes open wide.
“Oh, fuck no!” Sunwoo says, trying to shove him away, a picture Chanhee took of Sunwoo a few weeks ago in one of their gatherings where he was drunk and had been crying about Changmin in his hand.
“What’s that?” Changmin chuckles, and Chanhee keeps trying to show him, but Sunwoo snaps it out of his hand and throws it away. “Nooo, Sunwoo,” Changmin pouts.
“I’m killing you,” Sunwoo glares at Chanhee, who seems to find the situation extremely funny.
“Sure you are. I’m gonna go put away the stuff I brought,” he chuckles and walks away from the laptop, thankfully.
“Show meeee,” Changmin pouts and Sunwoo is having a hard time saying no to that.
“I look stupid, though,” Sunwoo sighs, reaching out to get the picture from the floor.
“I bet you look cute, come on,” he smiles sweetly and Sunwoo shows him from far away enough that he won’t be able to screen capture his screen. He knows him too well. “Ah, you’re adorable,” he chuckles. “When was that? The other day they went over to your place?”
“Yeah, Eric came over because apparently Juyeon and Jaehyun were having a gaming marathon or whatever,” he chuckles.
“Cute. I miss getting drunk with you guys, we better do it on Christmas!” he chuckles.
“Of course, we will, who do you think we are?” Sunwoo laughs.
“Also… I would love to do the cover for your mixtape, I’d be honored,” he says with the warmest smile Sunwoo has ever seen. “I’ll try to make it pretty.”
“I have no doubt in my mind that you will, hyung,” Sunwoo says. He can see Chanhee from the kitchen making hearts with his hands and he flips him off. “Thank you, really.”
“Anything for you,” Changmin smiles. “I have to go now, though, I should be at the internship in like five minutes and it takes ten to get there so…” he chuckles.
“Okay, don’t worry,” Sunwoo chuckles. “Have a nice day at work, hyung.”
“Thank you, little one. See you soon! In a few weeks!” And the prospect of that is enough to make Sunwoo giddy for the rest of the day.
He’s seeing them soon.
Sunwoo has never been so nervous in his entire life before. And he knows that he may be overreacting, but he can’t help it.
“We promise not to tease or laugh at you or your lyrics, Kim Sunwoo,” Jaehyun, Eric, and Juyeon say at the same time, pinky-promising. He told them to do that to ease his nerves, but it hasn’t really helped much.
“Alright,” Sunwoo sighs and hands his notepad to them. There it is. They have the song in their hands now and they’re going to read it.
The silence before Jaehyun speaks seems to be eternal, and Sunwoo fears he might pass out if they don’t say something soon.
“Sunwoo,” Jaehyun looks up at him. “Did you write this by yourself?” And Sunwoo nods, biting his lip nervously. “This is incredible! You’ve been keeping things like this from us for so long?” And before he can do anything, he hugs him, a wave of relief hitting Sunwoo. “It’s beautiful, Sunwoo,”
“Thanks, hyung,” he feels like he could cry . “It’s… well, I think it’s the first one I’ve actually managed to complete, so it’s not like I have a million songs hidden or anything,” he admits. It’s true that he’s done different verses here and there, he even wrote some with Juyeon a few weeks back, but neither of them is finished. Not like this one.
“It’s really good, Sunwoo,” Juyeon smiles, and he hands him back the notebook.
“Looks like you just needed hyung to leave to be able to put everything down, huh?” Eric chuckles and Sunwoo panics, eyes opening widely. “What? Don’t even try to pretend it’s not about Changmin.”
To be fair, he knows that his friends aren’t stupid, and it also doesn’t take a genius to figure out how Sunwoo feels about Changmin, but the fact that it’s so obvious in the song makes him panic a little.
He plays them the demo after that, the one he made that night he ended up writing the song, even though it’s just a base melody with nothing on it. Jaehyun seems to be focused, trying to come up with a tune that he can sing over it while Juyeon and Eric try to get the rhythm and notes right.
When the song finishes, Jaehyun shares with them the melody he’s come up with and they start putting it together.
By the end of the session, Sunwoo is pretty confident their first song is complete.
Sunwoo hates that he couldn’t go to pick Changmin up from the airport because he had a test at the same time. He wished he could’ve been the first face he saw when coming back home, but instead, he’s stuck here writing down things on a piece of paper.
They’re all hanging out together tonight, Chanhee having invited them all to their apartment for a welcome party for Changmin since he never got to throw a goodbye one.
Sunwoo knows that having a test today should be considered illegal because they’re not supposed to be even having classes today, but their professor missed one of the days and decided to make it up the day before Christmas Eve. Illegal.
He hands in the piece of paper and rushes out of the class, hoping that he’s not forgetting anything because he’s not going back to get it.
The weather is cold and the streets are snowed in from a few days ago, even though the sky is clear.
He tries not to run to Chanhee and Changmin’s apartment because the last thing he needs is for him to fall on his ass and break something from slipping on the ice.
He still rushes as much as he can, ringing the doorbell and waiting for them to buzz him in. And maybe he shouldn’t run up the stairs either, but he doesn’t want to wait for the elevator.
The door to their apartment is already open when Sunwoo arrives, and Changmin is already there waiting for him.
“Hi, Sunwoo,” his smile is sweet, but Sunwoo barely gets to see it before he’s wrapping his arms around him in the tightest hug he thinks he’s ever given.
“ God , I missed you,” he says softly enough for only Changmin to hear, closing his eyes. Changmin’s hands find the back of his head and they’re warm against his cold skin, making him melt a little bit.
“I missed you, too,” he pulls away and smiles, blinking the unshed tears away. “Merry Christmas, too!”
“Yeah, merry Christmas, hyung,” he hugs him again.
“Aren’t you going to hug the rest of us or what?” Eric asks from inside. It’s then that Sunwoo realizes that he’s the last one to get there.
“He sees you every day, Eric, of course not,” Juyeon chuckles from next to him.
“Come on, let’s go inside, you’re freezing,” Changmin reaches to hold his hand and pull from him inside, closing the door behind him.
Sunwoo doesn’t let go of him until he’s forced to, and even then, he still gravitates back to him.
Chanhee has prepared enough snacks and drinks for all of them, so they spend the night just chatting and catching up, missing Jaehyun since he went back home for the holidays (some more than others).
“What’s this I heard about you guys finally recording a song?” Chanhee says, eating another handful of chips.
“What?!” Changmin gasps, turning around to look at Sunwoo almost offended that he didn’t tell him. But there’s a reason for that.
“Yeah! Eric told me the other day,” the look Sunwoo shoots Eric would put him six feet under if looks could kill.
“Can I hear it? Maybe it will help me get inspired to draw your cover,” Changmin asks excitedly and Sunwoo wants to vanish out of the room.
“I, uh—” he looks around for help.
“We haven’t recorded it yet,” Juyeon jumps in to save him. “And we don’t have any of the instruments here, so, we can show you another day, right?”
“Right!” Eric joins in as well. “Besides, it would sound much better with Jaehyun hyung singing it, trust me,” he chuckles, but Changmin seems disappointed, but he takes a longer sip from his beer to mask it.
“You guys are the worst,” Chanhee complains as well. “I’m not making food for you ever again.”
“Yes, you are,” Eric chuckles. If Jaehyun were here, he’d call him a brat.
Chanhee went to bed, leaving the four of them alone to finish the food and the drinks. Sunwoo doesn’t blame him, he put a lot of work into making this gathering a success, plus he had to drive to pick Changmin up from the airport, so no wonder he’s exhausted.
Sunwoo is pretty tired himself, but having Changmin pretty much thrown over him is keeping him up.
“Should we try writing a song together?” Changmin offers, Sunwoo’s heart skipping a beat. “Since you guys won’t show me your other one…”
“We’ll show you… one day,” Sunwoo says, earning a pout from the elder. He’s so tempted to lean in and kiss it away.
“I think that could be fun!” Eric says, always the Changmin enabler.
“I’m in, yeah,” Juyeon chuckles. “We can use some of the drafts we’ve been working on together, Sunwoo,” and he’s not sure if he’d feel comfortable with that. “I have one I wouldn’t mind finishing, actually,” and Sunwoo knows which one it is. It’s the only one that Juyeon started.
“Let’s do it, then!” Changmin says excitedly, lifting his hands up as if he was riding a rollercoaster.
It’s not that they’re that drunk, either, but honesty keeps spilling off their lips as they try to come up with ways to round out the song.
“What’s it called?” Changmin asks, since he’s the one with the prettier handwriting and will be the one writing the lyrics down.
“ All About You ,” Juyeon says, smiling.
“A love song, huh? What have I missed?” He chuckles, writing the words down.
“Nothing that wasn’t already there,” Eric chuckles, making Juyeon’s cheeks blush. Changmin seems to catch on, then, and he turns to look at Sunwoo as well as if there were also other things there that have stayed the same.
The night keeps stretching as they come up with what seems to be the perfect lyrics and melodies for the song, recording it on their phones so that they don’t forget how it sounded the next time they have their instruments with them.
“Are you going to sing it for him, hyung?” Eric asks Juyeon, who just chuckles. “Will you stay true to the lyrics and actually tell him?” And for a reason, Sunwoo feels like he’s not only asking Juyeon.
“I think I will, yeah,” Juyeon smiles. “You should show Changmin our song, Sunwoo.” And the betrayal is imminent.
“Right, yeah, we should show him!” Eric joins in as well. Sunwoo wants to kill them both. “I think I have the recording on my phone—”
“Eric,” Sunwoo says with a warning voice.
“No, I wanna hear it!” Changmin says, turning to look at Sunwoo with those eyes. Those eyes that feel like pouring starlight.
And Sunwoo gulps. Maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s time.
“ Fine, ” Sunwoo says and gets his phone out, because unlike they said earlier, they have recorded it already, and he has the mastered version. “Just…” he sighs, not knowing what to say.
“Enjoy, hyung,” Eric says before Sunwoo presses play and pretty much shifts into a ball next to Changmin, not daring to see the boy's reaction to the lyrics. Jaehyun’s voice carries the sentiment of his lyrics so well, and Sunwoo almost feels like tearing up.
It brings him back to that night he wrote it, to the tears rolling down his face as the sun peaked through the horizon of another day without Changmin with him. It brings him back to that day they said goodbye and the words he told him.
“Sunwoo,” Changmin’s voice sounds wrecked when he looks up at him. There are a million words in his eyes, a million feelings that he doesn’t dare dissect.
“I think we should go,” Juyeon says, but Sunwoo can’t look away from Changmin. Not that he’s ever wanted to.
He hears the door close and assumes that his friends have indeed left, leaving them alone. The song has ended and the room is quiet, but Sunwoo’s heart beats so loudly in his ears.
“I meant it,” Changmin says, a tear rolling down his cheek, but he’s quick to wipe it off.
“Meant what?” he finds his voice, gulping down the knot in his throat.
“That we’ll be together, no matter what. It’s you and I, Sunwoo. It’s always been you and I. Do you want me to tell you what you should do? You should kiss me; because I don’t think I can survive another night without you.”
And Sunwoo doesn’t need much more than that to pull him in and kiss him as if he was the air he needs to breathe, because he almost is.
The memories of him weren’t enough to keep him alive anymore, he needed this, too.
Changmin’s hands find his face to keep him there, to keep him close, to not lose him again.
“I just wanna be with you, too,” Changmin whispers against his lips before he kisses him again, and Sunwoo lifts him up until they’re making out on his couch. The same couch they’ve had movie marathons with through the years, the same couch Sunwoo asked Changmin to join his band in, the same couch where they spent Changmin’s last hours in. And now, it will be the couch where they shared their first kiss in.
Sunwoo can’t help the smile that spreads across his face at the thought that this is happening, that he’s not dreaming it like he has multiple times, because, in his dreams, Changmin never felt this real, never touched him where he knows Sunwoo will melt, doesn’t whisper I love you s that sounded this true.
They eventually move to Changmin’s room, hungry kisses and wandering hands keeping them awake until the sun peeks through the blinds of his bedroom.
Sunwoo smiles and brushes his nose against Changmin’s neck.
“We did it,” he whispers before he leaves another kiss there.
“Did what?” Changmin asks, running his fingers through his hair soothingly.
“Survived the night.”
Agreeing to be in a long-distance relationship sounded easier than it actually is; because if Sunwoo missed Changmin before he knew what his kisses and his touches felt like, now that he does, it’s unbearable.
They spent all the Christmas break together, and after the break, when Changmin went back to Japan, they still talked every day. It wasn’t enough, though.
But after five long months of Discord calls and morning texts, Sunwoo is finally here: waiting at the arrivals gate of the airport, a banner and a bouquet of sunflowers in his hands.
People start coming out and he’s trying to find Changmin amongst the crowd, but either he missed him or he’s the last one to come out because he doesn’t see him.
But suddenly, he feels like he’s in a movie, where everything around him stops once Changmin walks through the automatic doors and meets his eyes. His smile spreads across his face in slow motion, and all Sunwoo can do is match it, raising the banner so that he sees it: ‘My boyfriend Ji Changmin’.
Changmin almost drops his bags as he runs and jumps on Sunwoo, his arms and legs around him and lips colliding against his the way they’ve both been dying to.
“Hi, boyfriend,” Changmin chuckles against his lips before he kisses him again. Neither of them is very into PDA, but neither of them also cares much right now after months.
“Hi, you,” Sunwoo smiles, putting him down and handing him the bouquet. “These are for you, welcome home,” and Changmin’s eyes well up, side-hugging him again as Sunwoo reaches out to take the suitcases from him.
“I love these, thank you,” he smiles.
“And I love you.” That earns him another kiss from Changmin, and he can’t believe that this is permanent now, that he’s not leaving again in a few days as it happened on Christmas. “Should we get you home, then?”
“I already am,” Changmin smiles, and Sunwoo feels like he is, too.
“This song is really special to me since it’s the first one we made for this album,” Sunwoo starts speaking, turning to look at Changmin on the other side of the stage. “It’s really special because it helped me finally come to terms with something that I’d been hiding for a while, and I think I’ll always think back on it with a smile on my face.” He takes a deep breath. “I hope you all enjoy it, here is Survive the Night.
Sunwoo starts playing the first chords himself, closing his eyes and waiting for Jaehyun to start singing, seeing as the crowd made up of his classmates and friends and family wave their hands along to the lyrics that he wrote about the love of his life a few months ago.
A crying child, the pouring starlight, I got lost in the night. I’m still lost there though I realize it all. I have to get out of here (warning warning warning) towards you I’m runnin’ runnin’ runnin’. Small fragments and intersecting sensations, only faint traces remember you. I endure the dawn without you again. I can’t do anything. Tell me what should I do? I just wanna be with you. In the stopped time, I want to find you and dive on this night again. It sinks in the night between the endless darkness, I drown in your thoughts and breathe, I survive. The time of my one small day that became a dream, waiting for the invisible you, I survive. Holding my trembling hand and smiling brightly: “We’ll be together, no matter what the pain is”. I still live in that moment and try to feel the warmth that’s cooled down. I can’t feel anything. Tell me what should I do? I just wanna be with you. For the past day, for the promise you couldn’t make, I dive on this night again. When you draw your eyes in the sky, I think you resembled a star. So that it won’t remain as a dream of an ecstatic summer night. Hold my hand tight between the dazzling lights, I breathe in your arms and survive. The time of that one small day broken and bruised, waiting for the invisible you, I survive. A crying child, the pouring starlight, I got lost in the night.
He didn’t just survive the night. He thrived.