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Funnily enough, it was raining, perfectly encapsulating the gloomy mood you were in. Markl had done his best to cheer you up, pulling funny faces while in disguise and out, and Calcifer offered to make a shadow show, but you didn't feel like doing much else than sitting or lying in your little seat by the window, watching the rain mix with the steam from the castle moving.
The feeling of inadequacy was not a fun one, nor was it entirely justified at this time, which made you even more upset as you didn't know why you were feeling this way. Everything seemed to somehow tie into making you upset and you couldn't place a finger on why.
Sophie had visited with Prince Justin, but even she couldn't lift your spirits during this episode. Most of your time recently had been spent moping, and you couldn't bring yourself to clean, only getting up to make the others' food. You couldn't let them down, that would just be the icing on top of the current failure cake. Today was not different from most, you were laying and staring out the window, thoughts buzzing around in your head, but no real will to act them out.
Howl arrived home perfect as ever, clearly not having let the rain affect him. His clothes were still pristine as when you'd finished ironing them, and his hair was dry. A painful reminder of the struggles you were dealing with currently, though why his appearance sent a pang through you, you weren't sure. After a glance, you laid back down, letting the curtain fall back into place.
"Hello, my dear," He grandly swept back the curtain, and his eyebrows raised at the state of you. "Oh. Having a lie-in?" You nodded your head simply, not daring to look at him in case he saw the tear stains. He was quiet for a moment, before turning to Calcifer.
"What're you looking at?"
"Can you heat the water for a bath please Calcifer?" The demon didn't complain, and you assumed that he and Howl had exchanged some sort of non-verbal communication.
"Yeah, sure." Then suddenly, before you knew it, you were being lifted into Howl's arms. A loud gasp escaped you, and you clung to your blanket and Howl's neck to keep yourself from feeling you were going to fall.
"Howl! What do you think you're doing?!" You asked, before burying your face away in the crook of his neck, allowing his black hair to cover your face.
"I'm going to bathe you. You're practically oozing sadness. We're gonna wash it all away." You scoffed with a smile, he always had a way of doing that. His words reminded you of when he got all dramatic and started sliming everywhere.
"Okay." You responded meekly, unable to do much, not willing to either.
He sat you down on a little counter in the bathroom, where you checked in the mirror that your tear tracks had dried while he had his back turned, and once you were satisfied you turned back, only to find him already staring at you.
"Did you find something on your face? Here, I'll look." He cupped a cheek, turning your head this way and that, inspecting your face. You'd grown used to his theatrics, not necessarily needing to question him, but you knew he wanted you to.
"Howl, what are you doing? Is there really something on my face?" You played along, the smallest of smiles curling your lips at the edges.
"It's just as I thought, you're beautiful." The comment caught you off guard a second, and you blinked before regaining your bearings and scoffing, less at him and more yourself.
"Yeah, okay." He turned back to the bath, turning the water off.
"What? Aren't I right?" The half-hearted smile began to fade lightly.
"Don't worry about it." You stated simply, pulling off the little cardigan you liked which signalled Howl to look away. You clambered into the tub, immediately sinking into the extremely bubbly water, which obscured the rest of your body from view. Not that Howl would've cared about seeing, it was more for your comfort that he averted his eyes; shameless man as he was.
"So," He started, voice gentle and soothing. "Want to tell me what's on your mind?" You looked at him from your position with your nose just above water level. The warmth of the water was extremely comforting, and Howl's soft tone was helping you relax more. You felt he probably knew what he was doing; after all this time he'd definitely learned how to be a bit more empathetic and aware, but he saved his best treatment for you, always.
"It's really nothing. Just an old phase coming back. It'll go away." Howl's sweet smile never once left his face as you tried to brush off the depressive mood you'd been in, and he reached to play with your hair.
"You don't want to talk about it one bit? Not even for someone so curious as me?" He was trying to coax it out of you, you were aware. That didn't mean you didn't want to completely let your tongue loose so your mouth could run as it wanted. Curse his kindness.
"Okay, remember when we met and I felt... Not beautiful at all? I was just sad and mopey all the time." You started, an arm swishing the water as it raised to scratch your neck briefly. "It's like that. Except, worse." You frowned, feeling hesitant to go on. It wasn't easy to describe something that you didn't understand, and it felt nearly painful to pull it out of yourself, almost like very slowly pulling off a very stuck bandage.
"How so?" Howl said gently, reaching to travel circles on the back of your neck mindlessly. You took a moment to think, a comfortable silence taking the room - only bothered by the quiet popping of the bubbles in the bathtub. A quiet realisation came upon you as you watched some of the foam float around.
"Because... Well, I would say I'm jealous but I'm already in a relationship with you so..." His tracing stopped.
"I'm making you jealous?" The smile finally stopped showing, and he looked at your face. You hunched a little, feeling embarrassed and almost guilty.
"Yes." A sudden tumble of words found its way up and past the tightness currently building in your throat. "You have everything so put together, and you're so confident in everything you do while I always second guess myself. I can barely keep our home clean and get the food done, let alone take care of myself properly. I'm not special. Not by beauty, not by smarts, not by magic. I can't even handle a spell delivery!" Your frustrations and pain left your mouth with vigour, and you began to shake, tears building up. You held your hands to your head, trying to wipe the salty droplets away, but your wet arms did little to dry your cheeks.
"Not special?" Howl muttered. "You're one of the most special people I know. Few can handle Calcifer the way you can, even after my heart was separated from him." He said, wiping your cheeks for you as he observed the way you struggled. Your eyes found him, and they seemed to stare right into your very soul. You'd never minded that, where others may have found it threatening, you'd found it comforting in a sense that he could see your intentions.
"I know it's difficult to feel extraordinary when things around you aren't ordinary, but you're really the most incredible person I've met, and I've met wizards and witches and demons." He listed, the smile returning as he described his affections for you. "You stole my heart, the Witch Of The Waste would be proud. Well, if she wholly understood what was happening around her." He joked lightly, and you chuckled lightly between sniffles. Why you hadn't confided in him earlier you'd never know. Sure, jealousy was ugly and hard to deal with, but Howl made everything feel natural and easy.
"Sorry I didn't say anything. It's just slightly awkward when the man I love is unintentionally causing my troubles." You said, before cringing. "Oh, it sounds so terrible when I put it like that." Howl let out a gust of air through his nose, signifying how he seemed to find humour in that statement.
"You know... before I met you I never knew what it was like to look at someone and smile for no reason. Now it's different. You're beautiful, and that beauty transfers into day to day life for me. Thank you." It was an unexpected statement, and the confession followed by thanking you made you blush lightly, feeling flustered.
"I should be thanking you, Howl." You said. After all of that, the foamy bubbles had dissipated and the water was just a measly lukewarm, leaving you curled up to hide and conserve heat.
"Well, we should be getting you out now, your fingers are pruning." He commented, standing and turning to get you a towel. You raised from the water, feeling clean in multiple ways as you took the towel from him - he handed it to you while turned away - and wrapped yourself up, relishing in the warmth. Howl took your hand as you went to your room to get clothes, then seeing it had gotten dark, you curled up in Howl's bed for the night, deciding you wanted to be surrounded by the soft ticking of clocks.
It was a quiet comfort, the ticking reminding you even with your eyes closed of where you were, so you knew Howl was close if you needed him. You laid with your head on his shoulder as his arm was curled around you, and the dark feeling began creeping again up your back, but you paid it no mind. It wasn't going to go away just like that, you knew that it would have to slowly heal.
Your partner stroked your head comfortingly, and it lulled you into a very peaceful state.
"Sleep well, my love," Howl said softly, and you obliged, much needing the time to dream and rest. With the warmth of his body and the white noise of the clocks ticking, your eyes slowly lilted closed, and the heavy comfort of sleep overtook you.
Sure, insecurity would plague you for as long as it could, but as long as you had Howl, you'd be just fine.