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Dan had always loved Christmas ever since he was a little kid. He loved the snow, the warm sweaters, the Christmas tree and its twinkling lights and shiny baubles. He loved sitting around a table stuffed with delicious food with his family and friends. He also loved the anticipation of watching the gifts pile up under the tree. He’d always sneak in and feel the presents, trying to guess what they were from shape and touch alone. His mom would snap at him to leave it alone but Dan couldn’t help himself. He loved Christmas presents.
Except that year he was dealing with a new problem, one he’d never confronted before. A gift-related problem.
“I have no idea what to get him,” Dan sighed, slowly sinking against the wall.
Meg smiled at him and rolled her eyes. “You’ll think of something. Now, come on.”
Dan reluctantly pushed himself up and followed her. Since Christmas only days away, the streets were crowded with shoppers bustling about town, their arms laden with stuffed bags and scarves pulled up against their chins to fight off the bitter chill. With fresh snow lining the streets and the town decorated with Christmas lights and wreaths, the holiday cheer was certainly in the air. Dan would’ve revelled in it if he weren’t currently freaking out.
“I’ve tried thinking of something,” Dan argued as he hurried after Meg, carrying her bags of purchases. He had to hug the paper bags close to his chest to avoid whacking passers-by. “It’s pointless. His family’s, like, super rich. He can already afford anything he wants.”
“Well,” Meg mused, weaving through the crowd in a way only a petite girl could, “what about a joke gift? Something funny?”
But Dan shook his head. “No, I don’t want it to be a joke. This is our first Christmas together.”
“It’s not like you’re spending Christmas together,” Meg countered.
She pulled up short and ducked into a bookstore. Dan followed her and breathed a sigh of relief at finally being free of the crowd. He tugged open his scarf, letting the indoor air warm his chilled skin. People milled about them, pulling books off the shelves and flicking through the pages. Meg tipped her head to the side as she considered Dan and he tried not to laugh. Her sweater was so big, the turtleneck nearly swallowed half her face. She had to roll it down several times to get the folds of cable-knit wool under her chin.
Finally, with her sweater under control, Meg gave him a look. “You’re doing what you always do, right? Christmas Eve dinner with your parents, then a big Cain family bash at your grandparents’ house the next day?”
“That’s the plan,” Dan answered, bouncing his shoulders to get some blood flowing back into his fingertips. “But I’m planning on meeting up with Herbert after dinner on Christmas Eve. He said that’s when it’ll be easiest to slip away. I want it to be…nice. But that’s not gonna happen if I show up empty-handed.”
Meg just shook her head in exasperation. She gripped his elbows through the thick corduroy of his jacket. “Dan. What’s the oldest line in the book when it comes to gift giving? It’s the thought that counts. If you can’t think of something valuable to get him then get him something sentimental.” She gave him a wry smile and tapped him on the nose. “Surely you won’t have a problem with that.”
Dan pouted and rubbed his nose as Meg turned to peruse the shelves. He wanted to believe her but he wasn’t sure if the thought would count. Herbert’s standards were ridiculously high. What if he got him something lame? What if Herbert was disappointed? He didn’t think he could handle watching Herbert give him a strained smile and say something along the lines of, “Oh, you shouldn’t have.” He cringed just imagining it.
Still, he had to get him something. He couldn’t go through Christmas without getting the boy he was in love with a gift.
As he followed Meg between the shelves of that bookstore, he was deep in thought. He barely even registered Meg’s voice when she told him she was ready to head on. He just stared at a copy of Peter Rabbit, his mind elsewhere. Slowly, the start of an idea came to him and he perked up. Maybe Christmas could be saved after all.
Herbert waited until his parents retired upstairs and Colette was busy gathering up the dirty dishes to slip out the back door. He knew unless he took out the security cameras that his movements couldn’t be untraceable, but he reasoned there was no need to raise the alarm so long as no one knew he was gone. He’d just sneak out, see Dan for a bit, then come back in the same way he’d left, no one the wiser.
He raced down the long, sloping driveway, his boots nearly slipping on the frosty grass. His pulled his coat tight around his body, the cold seeping through the felt wool to scratch at his bones. By the time he slipped through the manual gate and down to the road, he was shivering. He immediately spotted Dan’s car a little way down the street and was grateful he didn’t have to wait. He wasn’t afraid of the dark by any means, but the road his family home rested on was secluded and eerily quiet.
He jogged over to the car and quickly climbed inside, breathing a sigh of relief once the door was shut behind him.
“Hey,” Dan greeted, leaning across the console.
“Hi,” Herbert breathed in reply, then met him in the middle for a brief kiss.
He thrilled as their lips touched. Even after all these months he still got all moony when it came to Dan. And over something as simple as a kiss too. It was all quite embarrassing, really. At least it should have been, but Herbert found he couldn’t muster up that feeling when it came to Dan. Perhaps with him, embarrassing things weren’t so bad.
When they broke apart Dan gave him a crooked smile and something in Herbert broke apart.
“I got you a present,” Herbert said, ignoring the little flip his heart was performing.
“Me too,” Dan replied. He pressed another kiss to the corner of Herbert’s mouth before straightening up in his seat. “Let’s drive a for a bit, then we can hand them over.”
Herbert nodded, even though Dan’s eyes were on the road and not him. As Dan pulled away from the curb Herbert was caught between watching the scenery passing them by through the window and watching Dan. The tall pines topped with mounds of glittering snow stood out against the dark sky. No stars shined overhead, doubtless a sheet of clouds were blocking them from view. It was all rather pretty but Herbert kept finding himself stealing glances at Dan.
As they passed under streetlamps Dan’s profile was briefly illuminated in the wave of light. His soft brown eyes, sharp nose, and smiling mouth. The quick curve of his jaw and arch of his cheekbone drew Herbert’s gaze in like a moth to a flame. Just looking at him was making Herbert want to reach out and do something sickening like stroke his hair or put his hand over Dan’s on the gear shift.
Ugh. So embarrassing.
Except it wasn’t.
The music crooning from the radio was some old timey Christmas carol. They all sounded the same to Herbert, though split into two distinct categories: ones about Christmas cheer, and ones about Jesus. It was a Christmas cheer one and he didn’t hate it. It was actually quite pleasant with the heater on and just him and Dan slowly thawing in that pocket of warmth.
They didn’t speak much on the drive but it was one of those comfortable silences that Herbert enjoyed. He was content at both being with Dan and away from home.
When they arrived at their destination Herbert saw that they were on the edge of town, parked behind a desolate gas station. He’d been expecting Dan to take one of his favourite drives up into the neighbouring mountains to park by a lookout or something. Someplace they could be alone, not into the throng of bustling bodies.
Dan must’ve seen the apprehensive look on his face as he laughed and gave Herbert a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
“Don’t worry. We’re not going into town. Well, kind of but not really.”
“Are you giving me a riddle?” Herbert asked dryly and Dan laughed again.
“Come on,” Dan said, opening the door and climbing out. “I’ll show you.”
Herbert followed slowly behind, his apprehension not entirely diminished as Dan lead him towards the back door of the station. Old crates, the wood brittle and rotting, were stacked against the cinderblock walls. Trash littered the ground and Herbert had to squint in the dark to avoid steeping on broken shards of glass.
“I’m beginning to question your taste in date location,” Herbert said, hooking his fingers through Dan’s belt loop, and eying the grimy back door with distaste. “What is this? A meth lab? Are you selling me for drug money?”
“Of course not,” Dan snorted, peering at him over his shoulder. “That would ruin my master plan to get that sweet ransom money from your parents.”
Herbert scoffed. “Good luck with that.”
“This is what we’re looking for,” Dan said, tapping a rusty A frame ladder with his boot. He climbed up the first few rungs and nodded for Herbert to follow. “Come on.”
Herbert waited for Dan to reach the top and haul himself up, over the lip of the roof and onto safety before letting out a long breath. He stepped onto the ladder, certain that the rusty metal would give way at any second and send him tumbling to the ground, but it held firm. When he reached the last step, he grabbed a hold of Dan’s hand and allowed himself to be pulled up. He scrabbled at the cold cement, his feet kicking at air as he clambered onto the roof with far less ease than Dan had shown.
“Good job,” Dan said, rubbing Herbert’s back through his coat as he straightened up.
“Now that we’ve successfully climbed on top of a dingy, old building,” Herbert griped, “are you going to tell me why we’re here?”
Dan threaded his fingers through Herbert’s and rubbed away some of the chill seeping into his bones. His mood and his fingers quickly began to thaw.
“Why else?” Dan said, tugging his hand and leading him to the opposite edge of the roof. “For the view and the privacy.”
Herbert followed Dan’s gaze and was surprised that such a stout building gave the such a nice view of the town. The buildings and street lamps were all lit up and glowing, bathing the streets in a golden shimmer. The tall Christmas tree set up in the central block was laden with a rainbow of lights, strings of glittering tinsel criss-crossing over the leaves, and glass baubles shaped like teardrops hanging from the branches.
Despite the late hour, the sidewalks were packed with people. They flowed in every direction, bags of toys and boxes of Christmas pudding, or whatever it was that other people ate on Christmas Eve, stacked in their arms. In the distance Herbert could hear the ringing of a bell and calls of, “Merry Christmas!” No doubt it was one of those charity raisers dressed as Santa and begging people for money.
“You know,” Herbert commented, “if I was a child and saw Santa standing on the streets on Christmas Eve, I’d have some questions. Shouldn’t he be out delivering presents?”
Dan shrugged. “Kids don’t really think about that kinda stuff.”
“And that’s why kids are stupid,” Herbert stated.
Dan laughed, his breath puffing out in a cloud around his face. He let go of Herbert’s hand to sit on a patch of roof edge not dotted with lumps of snow. Herbert sat down beside him, the cold biting through his pants to nip at his legs, and Dan immediately reached for his hand again. They kicked their feet gently back and forth in the open, freezing air.
“Did you ever believe in Santa?” Dan asked after a minute of quiet sitting.
Herbert shook his head. “My parents never tried to sell me on the lie. Probably for the best. If I’d known all those other kids actually believed in it, I’d have been determined to set the record straight.”
“Why does it not surprise me that you were a total grinch?” Dan snickered.
“I was not,” Herbert argued, nudging him with his shoulder. “I don’t hate Christmas or anything. My family just never really celebrated it.”
“Oh.” Dan blinked several times, as though this were information he’d never been dealt before. He shook his head and faced Herbert, his eyebrows drawn together. “Are you, like, Jewish or something?” Herbert opened his mouth to reply but Dan barreled on, jabbering away. “’Cause this old Jewish lady, Mrs. Benowitz, has lived next door to us since forever. She told me all this stuff about Hanukkah one time, and even showed me her candlestick thing- Um…Menorah. That’s right. She-“
“I’m not Jewish,” Herbert said, cutting him off.
“Oh,” Dan said again, still tense like he was ready to keep rattling off random Hanukkah facts he’d picked up from his elderly Jewish neighbour.
“My family just isn’t the festive sort, I guess,” Herbert shrugged. “My mother would buy me new clothes to take me to some charity function with her but stopped making me go when I started putting up a fight about it. Those parties were the extent of my Christmas time experiences.”
“What about Christmas Day?” Dan asked, sounding bereaved. “You must’ve had some kind of celebration then?”
Herbert paused, wracking his brain for anything his family had done that could be considered a ‘celebration.’ “We have a tree. Colette puts it up.”
“What about presents?” Dan pressed. “You must’ve got presents as a kid.”
Herbert shook his head. “No presents. You already have everything you could possibly need. Presents would just be spoiling you,” he grouched in an imitation of his grandfather’s voice.
This was the response he’d received when he was five and wondered aloud why no presents with his name on them ever appeared under the tree on Christmas. He hadn’t wondered again.
Dan looked appalled. “That- That should be illegal! No kid should go without gifts on Christmas.”
“Well, lucky you, you won’t be this year,” Herbert replied smoothly, opening his coat and pulling out the wrapped box he’d been careful not to drop during his climb onto the roof.
Dan took it with a smile, his outrage momentarily forgotten. He pursed his lips as he held the gift to his ear and shook it.
“Hey!” Herbert protested, grabbing Dan’s wrist and pulling his arm down. “What if it’s fragile?”
“Then we’ll quickly find out, won’t we?” Dan answered with a grin.
He refrained from shaking the gift at Herbert’s glare and instead tore open the green wrapping paper. Herbert keenly watched Dan’s face as he squinted in the dark to read the label.
Dan started to say, “It’s a-“
“Lamp,” Herbert cut in, unable to help himself. “Shaped like Saturn. I got it from the planetarium.”
Realisation slowly dawned on Dan’s face. “Where we went on our first date…”
“It was a toss up between that and a Marvin the Martian toy,” Herbert explained.
“It’s great,” Dan said softly, staring down at the box, decorated with a smiling cartoonish drawing of Saturn. He looked at Herbert with that same softness. “Thanks, Herbert. This is…really thoughtful.”
“You don’t have to sound so surprised,” Herbert responded with a sniff, but he flashed Dan a grin to let him know he was joking. “I’m not the most experienced gift-giver but isn’t it the thought that counts?”
Dan’s eyes flickered down and he nodded shakily. “Um, yeah. That’s right.” He cleared his throat and fidgeted with the cuff of his sleeve. Herbert tried to catch his eye but Dan resolutely avoided his gaze.
“Don’t you have something for me too?” Herbert asked slowly.
Dan’s shoulders bunched up to his ears and he slightly shook his head. “Um, yes. But, uh, no.”
Herbert raised an eyebrow. “No?”
“Yeah, I changed my mind,” Dan said quickly. “It’s lame. Don’t worry about it. I’ll get you something else.”
“I don’t want anything else,” Herbert countered, intrigue spurring him on. “Now hand it over.”
“No,” Dan grumbled, pulling his jacket tighter around him. “Herbert, really, just drop it.”
But Herbert wouldn’t drop it. Now that Dan had introduced the concept of this mystery present, he needed to know what it was. Dan absolutely couldn’t get rid of it and find him something boring, like a pack of socks, instead.
So, he drew himself up and said in a commanding voice, “If you don’t give it to me, I’m breaking up with you.”
Dan whirled around to gawk at him. “What? Herbert, you can’t keep threatening to dump me every time I don’t do what you ask.”
“Yes, I can,” Herbert said, hands going to his hips. “I don’t remember that being an agreed-upon rule before we started going out.”
Dan sighed, his shoulders drooping as he looked at Herbert with defeat. “You’re not gonna let this go, are you?”
“No,” Herbert said cheerfully and held out his hand. “So, let’s just skip all the painful parts and you just give it, okay?”
Dan pouted as he dug around inside his coat pocket and pulled out a little parcel, wrapped in candy striped paper. Herbert swiped it out of his hand and excitedly shredded the wrapping paper apart. Little scraps fell from his fingers until he was left staring at a compass. Herbert silently stared at the small disk, turning it over in his hands. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for; some clue as to why Dan would A. Have given this to him or B. Been embarrassed about it. Eventually, he gave up and glanced up at Dan, who was watching him with wide eyes.
“Am I missing something here?” Herbert asked, still trying to puzzle it out. “Are you trying to tell me I should become a boy scout?”
Dan shook his head and buried his face in his hands. Herbert had to strain his ears to make out his words. “Look at the face of it.”
Herbert frowned but did as Dan said. He peered down at the tiny arrow pointing north and that was when he saw the little heart scratched into the glass over the W. Herbert’s mind began to put the pieces together as Dan spoke between his fingers.
“Compasses always point north, right?” he said, sounding miserable. “But my, um, heart points…west.”
An odd flurry of emotions were warring inside Herbert’s chest. Part of him wanted to mirror Dan and hide in embarrassment. He would have done this if it weren’t for the fact that he wasn’t embarrassed.
“Oh, Dan,” he chuckled, running his thumb over the glass. “You’re the stuff of schmaltzy dreams. It’s not too late to find your true calling and write cheap paperbacks for housewives.”
“See, I knew you’d make fun of me,” Dan huffed. He crossed his arms over his chest, the boxed lamp tucked against his stomach. “It was a dumb idea.”
“It’s not dumb,” Herbert assured him, shuffling over until the line of their thighs were flush. He managed to burrow his hands around Dan’s arm and hug it to his chest. Resting his head on Dan’s shoulder he said, “It’s thoughtful.” He nuzzled his cheek against the corduroy of Dan’s jacket, then added, “And cheesy.”
“Damn it, Herbert,” Dan whispered as Herbert tried to suppress his shudders of laughter wracking his shoulders. “I tried so hard to make this night romantic. I’m not gonna see you tomorrow.”
“You can see me on Boxing Day,” Herbert told him.
“What the hell is that?”
“The day after Christmas. I guess a lot of Americans don’t know about it.”
“What? Is this some weird Canadian holiday?”
“It’s not really a holiday. Just an excuse to buy even more stuff.”
“Okay, great. Well, we can celebrate Boxing Day together.”
“Yes. Just you, me, and this cheesy compass.”
“Herbert,” Dan whined, burying his face in Herbert’s hair. “Stooop.”
“Okay, okay,” Herbert relented, unable to stop grinning. “Fine. No more jokes. It’s very…sweet.”
Dan made a “Hmph,” noise, but kept his nose pressed to Herbert’s hair as they sat on the edge of the roof and gazed out at the glow of the town. After a while snow began to softly fall like powdered sugar from a sieve. Herbert could feel snowflakes catching in his hair and melting along the tips of his ears. He knew they would have to move soon or risk frostbite, but he wanted to hang onto that moment for just a little longer.
With the compass in his pocket and nestled up to Dan’s side, he could safely say it was the best Christmas he’d ever had.