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“Laoshi…Wanning. I–well…that is…” Mo Ran fidgets slightly in his seat, swallowing nervously. He’s acting unlike his usual self, taking the time to actually consider his words before saying them. He wants to be careful about this, not wanting to spook the man in front of him.
Chu Wanning looks as immaculate and beautiful as ever, and Mo Ran can’t help but swallow again, this time to attempt to control himself from imagining him in increasingly compromising positions. Taking in his snow white dress shirt, buttoned up to the very top, looking pristine and unwrinkled. He thinks about how he wants to rip those buttons off with his teeth, exposing the smooth, milky expanse of his neck that he wants to sink his teeth into–
“I already know what you want to say.” That single line jolts him right out of his fantasies.
Mo Ran’s head clears and his heart starts to beat even faster, this time in slight panic, “What? You do? How–”
“I…overheard your phone call. Apologies, I didn’t mean to intrude on your privacy.” He sees Chu Wanning lower his head slightly in slight embarrassment, and all he wants to do is cup his jaw and gently guide his face back up so he would look back at him.
However, he’s too tilted by what he just heard, so in the end he just says “And…what exactly did you hear, Chu-laoshi, did you–” he pauses, and steadies himself.
“Did you hear everything?” Mo Ran asks with a slightly shaky voice, unsure if it’s in trepidation or excitement.
“I heard enough.” Chu Wanning pauses briefly, “I know you’re going to confess.”
“So you…then–” Mo Ran’s heart leaps to his throat, barely even to get the words out. “What’s your answer, Wanning?”
Chu Wanning looks back at him with an unreadable look at the informal address, but his eyes seem brighter than it was before, or was Mo Ran imagining things?
“What other answer is there for me to give? Of course, I accept.”
Mo Ran can hardly believe his ears. He stays silent for a few moments, unable to parse the blunt reply.
“Really, that easily? Sorry Chu-laoshi, I’m not saying you’re easy but I expected more hesitance or outright denial…not that I’m not happier about this, obviously.” he stammers out, not wanting to offend the other man, but he’s still unsure he heard him right.
“Why would I refuse? I know my place, and I recognize our arrangement for what it is. I wouldn’t deny you your choice to pursue your happiness.”
Mo Ran’s mind blanks out. He feels like he’s missing a piece of the puzzle here, actually, make that multiple pieces.
“Huh? Sorry, I think you lost me at the last part there.” he says hesitatingly.
“I meant that of course I know the extent of this…thing that we have. Had. I knew the unspoken agreement that it was bound to end whenever you decide to finally confess.” Chu Wanning says, face unreadable. Looking every bit as beautiful and stone cold carved marble.
“Bound to end…when I decide to confess?” Mo Ran mouths back slowly, quietly.
He sees those beautiful eyelashes fan shut, fluttering gently over his cheeks. Mo Ran can’t help but want to press a gentle kiss over those closed eyes. Across from him, Chu Wanning takes a steadying breath and looks back at him.
“Yes. And it’s–” a pause, and he continues, “It’s very kind of you…to do this in the first place. You didn’t have to, but I appreciate you giving me the courtesy of doing all this.”
Mo Ran grows even more confused, but the feeling of indignance overpowers and instead he replies with, “Of course I had to, it’s what you deserve at the very least, Wanning–”
But Chu Wanning cuts him off, “You didn’t. I could see that you were struggling with how to say it outloud, but I know what you were trying to say.”
Chu Wanning’s expression somehow looks stiffer and more indecipherable than before. The conversation and his laoshi’s expression and tone confuses him even further.
“Chu-laoshi…sorry, you know I’m sometimes slow on the uptake, but I’m still kinda confused here. Are you accepting or rejecting it?” he blinks at him.
“I already said I was accepting it.” Chu Wanning replies flatly.
Mo Ran’s head is spinning, not really grasping the situation. He scratches the back of his head sheepishly, smiling unsurely.
“Oh, I guess you did. You…don’t seem very happy about it though. If you don’t feel the same way then you don’t have to force yourself, laoshi.” he tries to keep the dejection out of his voice.
“What does it matter how I feel about it? As I said, I understood the extent of our arrangement. You don’t owe me anything.” Chu Wanning says in a slightly peeved tone.
Mo Ran’s temper is starting to fray at the bemusing conversation they’re having, and snaps back “What do you mean what you feel about it doesn’t matter? That’s the whole point of this dinner!”
Chu Wanning’s eyebrow twitches at the raised tone, but replies evenly back, “And as I said, it’s kind of you to do this, and I’m flattered you even remembered my favorite restaurant, but it was unnecessary.” He crosses his arms protectively in front of him, expression guarded.
Mo Ran feels the fight drain out of him, seeing the subconscious gesture he knows Chu Wanning does when he feels scared or unsure of a situation. His heart hurts at the sight, knowing he caused it again . This was the last thing he wanted to happen when he planned this.
He slumps down his chair, takes a calming breath and asks in a soft, coaxing tone, “Chu-laoshi, I’m really sorry if I’m too dumb to understand what’s going on here but–can I ask what exactly you overheard?”
It takes a few moments before he gets a response. He sees various unidentifiable emotions cross Chu Wanning’s face, he thinks he sees hurt, sadness, and resignation there, but he’s unsure if he’s seeing it right. The thought doesn’t really serve to give him any clarity over what’s going through Chu Wanning’s head.
He wants nothing more than to reach over and place his hands over his. He wants to smooth out the wrinkle on those beautiful furrowed, straight, inky black brows. He wants to reassure him, to rest his palm over his nape and caress it gently. Mo Ran doesn’t want to see such a painful expression on that beautiful face ever again.
“I heard you talking to someone, about a favor. You said it was because you were going to confess. And that what you felt for that person was unlike what you felt for…for anyone else in your life. That how you felt… ” Mo Ran can’t help but follow the way his throat bobs as he swallows. He digs his nails into his palms to will himself to focus, as he knows what the other is saying is important. Possibly the most important conversation of his life.
“How you felt towards… others felt miniscule and insignificant in comparison. How it was never really love you felt, not until that person.” Chu Wanning finishes, his voice breaking ever so slightly at the last word.
Mo Ran feels his chest seize slightly at that tone. He thinks he’s slowly starting to understand what’s happening, but he’s still unsure and doesn’t want to jump to the wrong conclusions. Fighting back every protective instinct to reach out and comfort the man in front of him, he instead replies with a simple “Yes, and…?”
He sees Chu Wanning look at him with an annoyed gaze, as if asking if he really wanted him to say it outloud. A look that says that he should already know. Except he doesn’t know, which is why they’re having this conversation instead of making out in public right now.
He doesn’t want to assume, not again. He learned the hard and heartbreaking way what happens when you assume things about Chu Wanning. Mo Ran tries to push out his guilt-ridden thoughts and looks back with a pleading look he knows Chu Wanning can’t resist.
It works, of course. Chu Wanning shoots him a resigned look, and answers in an even more defeated tone, “That’s why we’re having this dinner right now, because you’re going to pursue the person that you love.”
That breaks the last remaining thread of Mo Ran’s self control. He refuses to let Chu Wanning continue on looking and sounding so miserable and dejected, like a cat out in the rain, curled pitifully near a warm shelter, trying to take in what bit of warmth it can. Attempting to stay hidden and trying to make itself smaller, afraid of being chased away.
Mo Ran puts his hands in the middle of the table, palms down. He wants to reach out to him but holds back at the last second. He keeps his tone gentle and even and says, “Wanning, I’m not really sure what’s happening right now, but will you let me say what I wanted to tell you in the beginning?”
“Do what you want.” Chu Wanning mutters grumpily over a glass of water. His other arm is curved protectively below his chest.
He doesn’t let the terse reply deter him. Instead, he takes in the reaction his question provoked from the man, and decides to do what he wanted to do in the beginning, what he should have done.
“Wanning, I like you. I really, really like you. It took me a while to realize it, to accept it.” he smiles cautiously, but genuinely at the man before him, who started coughing violently at the sudden confession.
He tries not to focus too much on how lovely the slight red around his eyes look, the way his eyes water so prettily like the way they do when he takes his co–
Focus.
He tries to steel himself and will his growing erection away. He needs to focus, this is important, and definitely not the time to think about how he’d much prefer to see that reaction from choking on his dick than a goddamned glass of water.
Focus, damn you.
“Excuse me, what?” he hears Chu Wanning ask in a hoarse voice, and he’s not sure if it’s due to the water or what he said. Probably both. He tries to be reasonable and convince himself to not resent an inanimate object too much.
Mo Ran briefly looks down, unsure of the extent of his feelings he wants to lay out in the open. If it would be too much, too early, too vulnerable–but honesty's what is needed right now, and he decides he’ll deal with the consequences later. He looks back up at him, his gaze unwavering.
“All this time, I was too blinded by my unfounded animosity towards you, so I never recognized my feelings for you for what it really was. I thought it was just intense sexual attraction at first–”
“Mo Ran, we’re in public!” he hears him hiss, fuming slightly. Oh, if only he knew that what was going on Mo Ran’s head was way worse than what he let slip out.
“I tried to convince myself that I would never have such impure, dark and outright primal desires towards someone I actually loved. That love was something sacred and pure, not to be tainted with something so base and animalistic.”
“Hm.” Mo Ran’s too busy admiring the lovely pink dusted across his laoshi’s cheeks to decipher if that was a good or bad ‘Hm’.
“But that’s the thing, Wanning. For other people, that may be their definition of love. Not for me, though. I realize that now.” a beat, and then he continues, “For me, those two things were never meant to be separated. I might have tried to deny it but my body, my heart, even my soul–All of it knew at various points that it loved you alone. It was only ever you, Wanning.”
He says it with so much sincerity and vulnerability he almost wants to cover his face, but he trudges on and stares readily back at Chu Wanning, who’s looking back at him with such intense confusion, and an emotion he can’t quite place. He’d like to think it was hope he’s seeing.
“...I don’t understand.” is the tentative reply he gets, breaking the heavy silence left after his confession.
“It’s alright, Wanning, I understand this is a lot to take in right now. But I needed you to know that I love you. I don’t know if you feel the same way, I had hoped–but it’s alright if you don’t. I understand.” Mo Ran tries to keep his tone even, not wanting to pressure the other if he shows how much the thought of his rejection affects him.
“Why me?” Chu Wanning croaks out in a thin, quiet voice. As if afraid of the answer but couldn’t help himself from asking anyway.
Mo Ran’s unsure of what to do with that question. “What do you mean?”
He watches Chu Wanning tap ever so slightly at the side of the glass. His gaze cast slightly away from him. “You’re still young, and very attractive–”
Mo Ran can’t help the smug, self-satisfied smirk that his smile morphs into. This doesn’t escape Chu Wanning’s notice, who sees the expression he couldn’t hide fast enough when he looks back at him.
“And very clearly aware of it too.” he then says in a tone drier than Mo Ran’s throat when he was watching him choke on water.
Mo Ran sees him lower his eyes again, the sight pricks against his heart like a needle. He reaches further to the table, closer to where his hand rests against the glass, but still not touching him afraid of scaring him away.
“Then there’s me. I know my worth, what I’m like,” the last part is spat out, slightly venomously. But it’s directed inwardly, he’s sure of it. Another needle to the heart.
“...Which is?” Mo Ran asks tentatively.
Chu Wanning levels him with the flattest gaze he can muster, but to Mo Ran it looks more battered and unsure than annoyed like he probably wants it to seem. “I’m old, ugly and ill-tempered. I don’t understand why someone like you would settle for someone like me.” he starts off neutrally but his voice breaks after the first sentence, leaving him to continue the rest in a more anguished tone.
Mo Ran can scarcely unpack what he just heard. ”Laoshi, what? I don’t even know where to start with what I just heard.”
“Hmph.” This time he knows that’s a disgruntled ‘Hmph’.
He can’t help the adoring smile his face melts into at the sight before him. His laoshi really is too cute, and quite a dummy too, it seems. “Wanning, look at me. Look into my eyes.” he says, his voice filled with warmth and affection for the wonderfully oblivious, ethereal beauty in front of him.
He gets a pair of elegant phoenix eyes glaring angrily back at him, but at least he’s looking him directly in the eyes now. His Wanning has always been very good at following orders. He slaps himself mentally before his thoughts can derail.
“Do you see that man staring back? That’s the most beautiful person in the world.”
Mo Ran observes as he lets his words sink in to the other. He sees the moment he understands, and the effect is instantaneous. He revels at the sight of pink that flushes from his cheeks, to the tips of his ears that he wants to graze his teeth against, and to where he can’t see right now but knows that it goes right to the back of his neck and down to his chest. He watches his face screw up in embarrassment, confusion before settling on an expression not unlike a cat who’s bitten on a lemon.
“...Shut up. You don’t have to lie.” Chu Wanning bites out, face still flushed red. Mo Ran stares wonderingly at the man who tests the edges of his self control just by breathing. He’s sure any comment about how he can prove it if he’d let him bend him over their table right now would be unappreciated. So instead he lets out his purer feelings, which are no less intense but probably more socially acceptable in public.
“I’m not! You are the single kindest, loveliest, most wonderful person I’ve ever met in my life, Wanning. And I spent too long not realizing that, but I’m trying to make up for it now.” his heart catches in his throat, remembering the decidedly much harrowing and heartbreaking misunderstanding they (or rather, he) had than this one. In comparison, this situation feels even slightly comical to him, with how ridiculous it is.
“You know I’m no good with poetic words, but I’ve always liked you. I know I spent a good amount of time acting the opposite, but after I got my head out of my ass, I realized so many things about you that I never had before, or willingly overlooked.” he pauses, hesitant to bring up what he planned to say next.
He pushes on, “Like that big misunderstanding before…I know now that it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry I never bothered clarifying things and just assumed the worst of you.”
“I didn’t want to bring up such a sore topic right now, but I want to tell you again that I really do appreciate what you did for us–for me. I’m so sorry for being such an asshole afterwards, without even bothering to understand what really happened.” his voice breaks midway, but he carries on, willing Chu Wanning to know how he feels.
“I already told you, it’s alright. I understand why you reacted the way that you did. It was justified, and–” Of course his laoshi doesn’t disappoint, always somehow attuned to his distress. He wishes it carried over to his more positive feelings, too.
Mo Ran cuts him off, gently, “It really wasn’t, Chu-laoshi. You just forgive too easily. And that brings me to another thing I overlooked, Wanning. I never really realized how quietly considerate and kind you are of others, how you always put yourself last.”
He longs to cradle his jaw gently, to swipe his thumb tenderly on the soft area between his jaw and neck, as he bares his heart and soul to the one person who could crush it with one word or deed. “Knowing what I know now, I feel even more like a fool. I spent too long being ignorant of how kind and selfless you are, and I never want to make that mistake again. Ever.”
Unable to resist needling his laoshi, he ends up mischievously but not dishonestly adding, “And of course I love the way you feel around me, how you writhe and squirm under–”
“That’s enough!” Chu Wanning interrupts hurriedly, his tone firm, but his face flushed to the roots of his ears. Mo Ran just grins devilishly at him.
“So. Is what I just told you what you knew I would say?” Mo Ran asks in a deceptively mild tone. He hopes he understood the situation right and the answer is no.
Chu Wanning looks back at him with a startled expression, the red on his face still not dissipating. He shoves his hands behind the table and sits with his shoulders drawn inward slightly, indicating he might be wringing his hands slightly under the table.
“I–this…I honestly thought you were going to confess to Shi Mingjing” he mumbles haltingly, like it takes everything for him to say it outloud. Like Mo Ran might suddenly take everything back now that he’s mentioned a name he’s been dancing around since the beginning. The missing pieces in the puzzle in Mo Ran’s head are slowly being brought back to form a clearer picture.
“When I was talking over the phone...You…thought I was talking about Shi Mei ?” Mo Ran asks in an incredulous tone, pitch rising slightly in disbelief.
“Hm,” is all that he gets. He thinks it’s a hesitant ‘Hm’. He’s too bewildered to decipher that tone too intensely.
After practically confessing his undying love, he fears like it would be redundant to repeat it, but feels the need to reassure Chu Wanning (and himself to make sure it sticks to the other man’s beautiful, oblivious head this time) so he says empathically, “I haven’t liked Shi Mei that way in years! And anyway, as you overheard, it’s not the same. I even said it outloud that It was never love I felt for him. Certainly not the same magnitude I feel towards you, Wanning.”
“Hm.” Mo Ran is well acquainted with that ‘Hm’. It indicates that he’s happy with what Mo Ran just said, but unsure of how to respond. He beams at him, pleased at getting that sound out of him, but he comes to a crashing realization that freezes the smile on his face.
Mo Ran squints at the man before him, before continuing with a careful tone, “Wait, if you thought he was the one I was going to confess to…Who did you think I was talking about when I actually was talking about Shi Mei?”
He’d find Chu Wanning’s expression really funny right now and probably think up another cat-related description if what was happening wasn’t so ludicrous that it wasn’t as comical a situation as he thought it was, before.
“...Me?” And thinking of Chu Wanning saying that versus actually hearing him say it feels like a punch in the gut. “I thought...that you were insisting that what you and I had was just something convenient, and not even comparable to what you felt…for him…?” he trails off and ends up saying the statement more like a question when he sees the thunderous look mixed with incredulity on Mo Ran’s face.
“Wanning, that’s the complete opposite of what I meant!” he nearly yells out, unable to control his volume. Some people briefly glance over at their table before going back to their own business.
Thankfully, Chu Wanning seems too embarrassed over how he seemed to have misconstrued the entire thing he had overheard, whether it was for the assumption or even listening in in the first place, Mo Ran can hardly judge, he has no leg to stand on.
Chu Wanning puts his hands on the table, one hand over the other, index finger tapping lightly at the side of his pinky on his other hand. Mo Ran watches the gesture attentively, aching to protectively dwarf his hands with his own.
“...I understand that now. I only thought you still had feelings for him since you seemed…jealous or annoyed whenever he got too close to me. When we were out with him and Xue Meng.” he says softly, but not sounding as unsure of himself as he did when they first started this conversation.
Mo Ran thinks he finally got through him, thankfully. He’s all too happy to remind his Wanning how much he loves him, however, and so he does. “Laoshi, I was jealous over you, not of you!” He decides to succumb to his instincts and reaches for Chu Wanning’s hands, covering them with his own. To his utter delight, the other man doesn’t pull away.
“Hm,” it’s that pleased little hum again, and it fills him with so much affection and pride to be able to draw out that noise from him. He squeezes the hands below his slightly, endeared by the sound.
“Wanning, now can we stop talking about another man while I’m trying to confess my feelings for you?” He says it lightly, even jokingly, but there’s an undercurrent tone of petulance and possessiveness that he knows doesn’t escape Chu Wanning’s notice. Another ‘Hm’ is all he gets in response, which satisfies him well enough.
“So…I’m not asking for an answer right now but, I hope you at least think it over. If you give me a chance, I can prove to you everything I just said, even if you don’t believe me right now. But if you really don’t feel the same, it’s alright.” he barely chokes out the last sentence, trying not to let the hitch in his voice be heard. His eyes feel wetter, though, so he’s sure his eyes are probably looking pleadingly at Chu Wanning.
He waits for Chu Wanning’s answer in barely concealed trepidation, watching his face for any sign of discomfort or hesitance. He finds none. Barely processing the relief that just went through him, he hears a rushed out, “...Ifeelthesame.” said in a quiet but definitely still audible volume.
He can’t help but ask again, whether to reassure himself or just to hear it once more, “Wanning? What was that?”
“I said I love you, too.” this time it’s said firmly and while holding his gaze. The beautiful molten gold staring back at him with such depth of emotions that it nearly sweeps the rug from under him to see such intensity. That is, if he didn’t see the same eyes staring back at him in the mirror whenever he’s thinking of Chu Wanning.
Mo Ran can’t help the beaming smile he knows he’s blinding his laoshi with, he’s ready to throw away all social etiquette and just grab his face to kiss him right there in the restaurant.
He’s halfway through reaching for him when he hears the soft, barely audible slightly melancholic voice that continues with, “I’ve loved you for a long time.” and his heart shatters and pieces itself back again. His love for this precious existence in front of him is somehow stronger than ever, something he thought wasn’t possible with how fiercely he already felt for him.
“I’m sorry, Wanning. I’m here now.” he says in an equally melancholic tone, but he smiles lovingly at him as he does. And that hint of vulnerability from his beloved snaps the tendrils of his self control, and he ends up gently cradling Chu Wanning’s face and kisses him softly.
He tries to convey the depth of his desire and feelings towards the other man as gently and tenderly as he can through the kiss. He can’t help the giddiness he feels at not being pushed away, at having the kiss reciprocated, even. Although he’d probably never get away with doing this in public if it was any other scenario. His possessive instincts scream at him to hide away such a precious gem far from prying eyes. Yet he can’t feel the satisfaction his more primal side yells out at being able to stake a claim like this in front of other people.
He tries to deepen the kiss, the need to possess him, to devour him whole overpowering him, flooding his senses with the raw urge to take . Unfortunately, this seems to break Chu Wanning out of his stupor and pushes him back slightly, panting slightly. He sees a pair of shining golden orbs looking slightly bullied, and the urge inside him grows stronger.
“Mo Ran, we’re in public!” he watches his soft, pink lips hiss out. Swollen and reddened glistening ever so temptingly. He forces himself to answer back, “It’s alright they’re too preoccupied with themselves, no one will notice–”
“But still!” he huffs out indignantly like an angry cat whose tail was stepped on. Mo Ran looks around to check, and amazingly enough, he was right and no one was looking their way. He didn’t know whether to be relieved or annoyed, but he won’t tell his Wanning that.
“Then, why don’t we finish up here and…go back to my place? Or yours? But we don’t have to if–”
“Yes.” His heart soars to euphoric heights at the instant agreement. “Good, okay…yes,” is all he can get out, unable to do anything but smile dopily at the blushing beauty in front of him. He takes his hand and caresses it gently, kissing his individual knuckles.
“Stop that,” it’s a weakly croaked out protest, so he just smiles indulgently at him, and asks him, “Why?”
When he doesn’t get a response, he decides to go for another kiss, and Chu Wanning lets him.
End.