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The Three Bears
Once upon a time there were three Bears, who lived together in a house of their own in Provincetown. One of them was actually an Otter, as they called him, one was a Small Bear, and the other was a Great Big Bear.
They had each a mug for their coffee; a little mug for the Otter; and a middle-sized mug for the Small Bear; and a great mug for the Great Big Bear. And they had each a chair to sit in; a little stool for the Otter; a sensible wooden dining room chair for the Small Bear; and a big comfortable La-Z Boy recliner for the Great Big Bear. And they had each a bed to sleep in; a twin bed for the Otter; and a double for the Small Bear; and a great king-sized bed for the Great Big Bear. But many nights all three bears wound up in the king-sized bed, and that was quite nice, too.
One day, after they had made their morning coffee, and poured it into their mugs, they walked out onto Commercial street while their coffee was cooling, so it wouldn’t burn their mouths. And while they were away a straight woman named Amber, who was visiting Provincetown for her bestie’s bridal shower, passed by the house, and looked in the window. And then she peeped in at the keyhole, for she was curious about the funny looking toys she saw in the living room. Her best friend was gay you see, so she felt like it was her birthright to know more.
The door was not fastened, because Provincetown is a small town, which is why the bears moved here from Boston once Small Bear was able to retire and Otter and Great Big Bear were able to transition to working remotely. So Amber opened the door and went in; and immediately smelled the delicious fresh coffee. There seemed to be quite a lot of it, and she couldn’t imagine they wouldn’t mind sharing a cup, just one cup, so she helped herself.
First she tasted the coffee of the Great Big Bear, and that was too hot for her. Not enough milk. Next she tasted the coffee of the Small Bear, but that was too cold for her. And barely tasted like coffee, there was so much milk. And then she went to the coffee of the Otter, and tasted it, and that was neither too hot nor too cold, but just right, the perfect mix of coffee, milk and a bit of sugar, so she drank it all up.
Then Amber was tired, for she had a late night at the Crown and Anchor, where her friend took in a fabulous pre-shower drag show and then insisted everyone go to a second bar for more drinks. So she sat down in the La-Z Boy recliner, but that was too soft for her. And then she sat down in dining room chair, and that was much too hard for her. But when she sat down in the chair of the Otter, the little kitchen stool, she unexpectedly found it was just right. It kept her back perfectly aligned. So she sat herself in it, but as she wiggled a bit to get comfortable, she heard a creaking and then a CRACK and then she was on the floor. It was clearly too small for her. And she felt mortified and had all sorts of eating disordered thoughts run through her mind – “I always knew you were fat and this was the proof,” she could hear her mother telling her.
Now, the things that really piqued Amber’s interest were the interesting looking toys in the room, so Amber made her way over to the living room table to check them out. There was a bullet vibrator, so small she hadn’t actually noticed it from the window, but Amber recognized it immediately, she was familiar with this sort of toy herself. It was dwarfed in size by what she had thought was a butt plug from the window but now that she saw it up close she wasn’t sure. Was it art? Surely no one could insert something that size? What was it even made of? And then there was a more reasonably sized latex butt plug sitting beside it, and again, Amber was not unfamiliar with products like that.
She did feel strangely aroused, which made her uncomfortable. Something about realizing she was in someone else’s home and looking at their sex toys, she knew it was taboo but of course that’s why taboos are sexy, right? She felt guilty but that just made it sexier.
She was contemplating “borrowing” one of the toys and trying to figure out whether she would wash it off afterwards or just steal it when she left, and which toy she was really most interested in, when her thoughts were interrupted by a big booming voice.
“SOMEBODY DRANK MY COFFEE!’”
For it was a small Provincetown bungalow, and all the rooms were quite close. Amber jumped a little where she stood and then felt afraid to turn around. She was still holding the smallest of the toys and aware of this but also couldn’t figure out how she could surreptitiously put it back down without calling attention to the fact that she was holding it.
“SOMEBODY DRANK SOME OF MY COFFEE TOO!” yelled the Smaller Bear, and then she heard the squeakier voice of the Otter yell, “SOMEBODY DRANK MY COFFEE TOO, AND THEY DRANK IT ALL UP!”
“And somebody messed up the blankets in my favorite chair!” The Great Big Bear yelled, stomping around the living rom. “I had them all adjusted just right.”
“Somebody moved my dining room chair,” the Small Bear said. “I left it set up with my etching, and now it’s all the way over here. Sure enough, his etching materials were still at the table but the chair where he had been working on it was moved further down, when Amber had tried it out.
“Somebody sat in my chair too,” the Otter said, “And broke it. Now I’m really pissed.”
“We got that chair for you on our fifth anniversary of being a triad,” Great Big Bear said.
“I had it hand painted with all your favorite flowers,” Small Bear mused sadly.
Now Amber felt terrible. She’d been drawn to that little stool with the hand painted flowers on the stool, that was why she wanted to try it out. She felt like a real asshole.
“Somebody’s still in our living room,” the Great Big Bear had moved far enough into their bungalow that he could see Amber standing there, still frozen, not sure how she could make her escape.
“I’m s—s- so so sorry,” Amber stammered.
“What are you doing holding that?” the Otter asked, looking horrified.
“I didn’t use it!” Amber exclaimed. “I’m sorry – it – it fell on the floor and I, I was picking it up. Here.” She tried to hand it to the Otter.
“Put it on the table,” the Otter said.
“You need to leave,” Small Bear said, calmly but firmly.
“Yes,” Amber said. And she paused for a brief moment, trying to figure out if there was anything she could possibly say that would not make her look like a complete schumuck, decided there probably wasn’t anything, so she turned and ran out the door she’d slipped in.
“I’ll wash the toys,” The Otter said.
“I should be able to fix your chair,” The Small Bear said, stroking the Otter’s back consolingly. The Otter appreciated the gesture, but he was hungry, so he made his way to the kitchen to prepare himself some breakfast.
“Fucking straight people,” the Great Big Bear grumbled and stomped over to his La-Z Boy recliner and settled himself into, trying to get it to feel like his again.
“They’re ruining Provincetown,” the Small Bear sat himself on the Great Big Bear’s lap and rubbed his beard soothingly.
“They’re good for the local economy!” the Otter called from the kitchen.
The three bears laughed at that; it was an ongoing inside joke they’d had ever since they moved here.
“I do think we should probably start locking our door now,” The Small Bear said, and from that day forward, there was never any argument about that.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears was originally titled The Story of the Three Bears, published in the collection English Fairytales, retold by Flora Annie Steel (1922), illustrated by Arthur Rackham.