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It was late on a Monday night and the mahjong parlour that Osamu worked at was dead. To pass the time he arranged the extra tiles they had into neat little lines. First the manzu tiles, then the pinzu and souzu. He stared down at the 3 rows in front of him. Then he frantically shuffled the tiles until they were back to being a disorganised mess. He stared down at his work for a few seconds and then reached forward to grab a 1 man. It was the last 2 hours before closing and he could feel his patience waning. He started arranging the tiles again.
He hated when it got quiet. Too much empty space to fill with his own thoughts. It didn’t matter where his mind started, it always ended in the same place. Today he was thinking about how much food was left in his fridge. He was long overdue for a grocery trip but he figured he could make yesterday's leftovers last a few more days. He used to cook a lot more but recently he seemed to have lost all motivation for it. He had finished the row of manzu and started collecting the pins.
As much as he hated when things were quiet he didn’t exactly like when it was busy either. The people there were loud and he always fumbled whenever he had to sub in as a player. At least when it was empty he didn’t have to worry about making conversation. He found it hard to talk to his coworkers. They seemed nice enough but he couldn’t help feeling anxious around them. Perhaps his time working at the factory had made him paranoid. Osamu’s old coworkers took a sick pleasure in bullying him and he felt a great weight lift off his shoulders when he finally worked up the courage to quit. Something he never would have done without Akagi.
He winced. It hadn’t taken him long to start thinking about Akagi again. Which wasn’t too surprising. He had thought about him everyday for the last two years. Yet he felt ashamed anyways. What kind of person is still hung up over someone they didn’t even know that well. He was pathetic. The sole reason he was still working here was for some foolish wish that he could reconnect with him somehow.
Osamu looked down at the tiles realising he had successfully put them back in their original state. Once again he scattered the tiles under his hands ruining his work, though this time he didn’t bother arranging them again. Instead he lay his head down and gave into the swirling thoughts in his head. A typical Monday night.
-
He felt fuzzy. Days blurred together. It had been years and he was still in the same spot, and he couldn’t get himself to move.
-
And then there he was. Akagi Shigeru, right in front of him. It took Osamu a few seconds to react. He thought he was hallucinating. But there he was. Actually there.
“Akagi!!”
Everyone stopped to look over at him. He didn’t care.
“Osamu.”
He said it bluntly, inscrutable as always.
“It’s so good to see you!! What have you been up to? Oh, are you tired? I can make you some tea-”
He felt like an overflowing pot. The words just tumbled out of his mouth, not even giving Akagi a chance to answer any of his questions.
“I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning,” he said simply, after Osamu had finished.
“That’s fine! I can come with you”
Akagi’s face twisted into a strange expression. Even when he did emote he was difficult to read.
“Don’t you have a job here?”
“It’s not a big deal, I’ll just get some time off.”
“I won’t be coming back.”
But Osamu had already run off to go tell his boss. Looking back he would feel incredibly guilty for not quitting properly, but in the moment he was so drunk on euphoria the thought didn’t even cross his mind. He had to go with Akagi. He had screwed up last time and he was not about to let him walk away from him again.
When the morning came he simply got on the train with him. Akagi never technically agreed to let him tag along but he didn’t tell him no either. Osamu never clarified this with him. Just in case.
-
Travelling with Akagi wasn’t easy. Osamu remembered the first night they spent together very well. They had just arrived at their hotel room when Osamu noticed that Akagi hadn’t brought any bags with him.
“Um Akagi, did you bring any extra clothes?”
Akagi was sitting against the wall smoking. He glanced up at Osamu and shook his head.
“...what about a toothbrush?
He shook his head again.
Osamu groaned and dragged a hand over his face. He had to fix this. So the next day he went into town and bought some clothes, (he guessed on the size) a toothbrush, some other basic toiletries and a decent sized duffel bag to carry all of it.
“I got some stuff for you” He held out the bag in front of him but Akagi didn’t take it.
“What is it?”
“Just some clothes and some other things you’ll need. C'mon take it”
Akagi stared at the bag, “I didn’t ask for this.”
“Well, I already bought it so you might as well have it.”
Osamu placed the bag on the ground in front of him and stared back at Akagi until he reluctantly took it.
They didn’t speak for the rest of the night but the next morning Osamu found some money placed by the end of his futon. Akagi didn't say anything about it, so neither did he. He used it to buy them dinner that night.
Osamu quickly learned that Akagi’s poor self care wasn’t his only quirk. He was also incredibly socially inept. Osamu had made the mistake of letting him arrange for their hotel room once and was forced to watch him stare uncomfortably at the receptionist for several minutes before he stepped in. After that, Osamu took care of the talking.
In a weird way he was happy to see Akagi struggling with something for once. It made him feel slightly better about himself knowing that Akagi wasn’t as infallible as he seemed, and gave him a way to make himself useful. If he wasn’t a burden then Akagi would have no reason to leave him behind, so he did whatever he could no matter how many times Akagi said he needn't bother.
He just had to stay useful and everything would be fine.
-
In the blink of an eye a month had passed. Osamu didn’t feel as nervous around Akagi anymore. It was funny how intimidated he was by him not too long ago, nowadays it was like they were old friends. In fact, Osamu didn’t think he had ever been so comfortable around another person before.
For the majority of his life he had felt on edge. A persistent anxiety with no clear cause, just a deep guttural feeling that something was wrong. Other people made it worse. He couldn’t stay calm around them, not even friends. Some primal fear kept his walls firmly up. But Akagi was different. Perhaps it was how blunt he was with his own feelings, or how he was even worse at dealing with other people. Whatever it was, Osamu found that he could talk and joke around with him without feeling nervous at all.
Though this lack of nervousness had its own issues. He wanted so badly just to be closer to Akagi, while Akagi seemed to be working just as hard to keep that from happening. As comfortable as they had gotten, it still felt like Akagi was keeping Osamu at arms length. Osamu was starting to suspect that even though he was no longer nervous around Akagi, that Akagi might be nervous around him.
But he didn’t mind. He’d give Akagi his space, let him open up on his own, and it finally happened one warm night. It was late and they were walking back from one of Akagi’s matches. Though his face remained apathetic, Osamu could tell by his soft humming that Akagi was in a good mood. They were about halfway back to the hotel when Akagi suddenly stopped.
“What’s wrong?”
“There’s a beach” and without waiting for a response he walked off the road and started making his way across the sand forcing Osamu to scramble after him.
“Don’t you think- It's a little late for a swim?” Osamu said while trying to catch his breath.
Akagi was already waist deep in the water, gazing out at the horizon. He looked like he was exactly where he belonged. Osamu stared at his back, not sure why he felt like he had just swallowed a handful of sand, when Akagi turned around to meet his eyes.
“Are you coming?”
Osamu violently shook his head, “I can't, my clothes would get wet!” and then a little softer “...and I can’t swim.”
But Akagi just smiled and held out his hand, “the water’s warm. You can hang on to me.”
He didn’t really want to walk the rest of the way back in soaking clothes, and he didn’t know what constituted ‘warm’ to Akagi, and he may have been a tiny bit terrified of the ocean, but nevertheless, Osamu waded out to take his hand and let Akagi lead him deeper into the water.
“Careful, it drops off here,” Akagi warned, letting Osamu grab onto his shoulders.
And then their feet no longer touched the ocean floor. Osamu felt himself sink suddenly and dug his fingers into Akagi’s shoulder. If this bothered him he didn’t let it show.
“Kick your feet,” Akagi instructed.
Osamu obeyed, kicking his feet back and forth in the water. Soon he realised he was starting to float and relaxed his grip on Akagi. After calming down with a few deep breaths he became aware of Akagi’s hands around his ribcage and was very thankful that it was too dark for him to see his face.
They floated silently in the dark. Akagi wasn’t too fond of physical touch and yet here he was, pressed close up to Osamu keeping him above water. Osamu’s mind was racing. Why was he doing this? Why had he asked him to go swimming? What was he thinking right now? But it seemed that his mouth had spontaneously decided to stop working. So he said nothing.
After what felt like too long and far too short at the same time, they swam back to shore and trudged back to the hotel. The walk back was miserable. Osamu’s soaked clothes felt like deadweights and he couldn't stop himself from shivering. But he had never felt so happy in his life.
-
Osamu was restless. The same kind of restlessness that plagued him back when he worked at the mahjong parlour and had only recently begun to resurface. He had no idea what triggered this sudden mood shift, just that once again, it always drew his thoughts back to Akagi.
But Akagi was here with him. They spent practically all of their time together. Why did it never feel like enough?
For a split second during that one night swim Osamu felt like he had breached that gap, that he had found what he wanted, but the very next day Akagi withdrew back to his old self.
After a few weeks of stewing in his emotions Osamu started to crack. He was sitting down at a table in their current hotel room with Akagi seated across from him idly smoking, when 3 years of baggage broke out all at once.
“Why do you keep me around?” his voice shook slightly
Akagi looked over at him, “I could ask the same to you.”
“Because I want to learn from you, I’ve told you this.”
Akagi sighed and stamped out his cigarette, “If that’s your only reason for staying then you should leave.”
“What are you talking about.” his whole body was shaking.
“You aren’t cut out for gambling. It doesn’t matter how much you practise you’ll never be able to do it,” he said blankly, “There’s nothing wrong with that. You should get a normal job and stop wasting your life with me.”
“I’m not wasting my life!”
The thought of going back to his old job -of being alone again- made him feel sick.
“Why do you think you know better than me?” Osamu clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palms.
“I’m trying to warn you.” His voice had suddenly gotten much quieter.
Osamu started to laugh, so hard that he couldn’t breathe. He leaned over the table as he started to cough and eventually sob. Akagi was frozen in place.
“I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you’d want to be around me. I’m not smart, I’m not talented, I can’t do anything. Why haven't you left me already?? I wouldn’t blame you.”
He couldn’t stop.
“I know I’m just holding you back but I want to stay so badly. I’m selfish and awful and I’m sorry.”
He covered his face with his hands so he couldn’t see Akagi anymore.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” He apologised over and over again.
For an agonisingly long time he sat there with his head on the table crying. Akagi hadn’t said anything in a very long time. Osamu was starting to suspect he had just got up and left when he felt something touch his shoulder. He jerked his head up to see Akagi standing in front of him. He stared down at him for a few seconds. Then he leaned down and hugged him.
It was a pretty bad hug. Akagi had wrapped his arms around Osamu but they weren't actually touching him, just awkwardly floating an inch above his body. It struck Osamu that Akagi had probably never hugged someone before. He reached up his own arms and pulled Akagi closer into a proper hug. He felt Akagi flinch but he didn’t let go.
They sat there hugging for a long time and neither said anything.
-
It wasn’t a particularly special moment, but when Osamu looked over at Akagi sitting next to him on the floor in front of a fan he felt a sudden burst of courage, and wasn’t about to let this chance pass him by.
“I’m in love with you.”
Akagi turned to look at him but quickly glanced away letting his eyes rest on the floor instead. Osamu could feel his heart beating loudly in his chest. He had almost instantly started to regret his confession but it was far too late to have second thoughts.
“Why?”
Osamu was taken aback. How on Earth was he supposed to answer that question? How could ever begin to describe everything he had felt these last few years? Where would he even start? Even if he were able to relay every moment they were together and the impact it had on him in perfect detail, he doubted it would explain everything. It was just impossible. But Akagi was waiting for him to answer.
“I like being around you,” he blurted out.
Not even close.
“I like being around you too,” Akagi replied.
But maybe he understood anyway
Osamu’s head was spinning. He was so overwhelmed with emotion he couldn’t speak, but the little cognitive function he had left he managed a weak smile. Akagi smiled back at him and it was the most amazing smile he had ever seen.
Then Akagi turned his body so he was fully facing Osamu and held out his hands. Osamu tentatively reached out his own and placed them on Akagi’s. He watched as Akagi dragged his thumbs in small circular movements across the backs of his hands.
And even though he didn’t say it Osamu knew that Akagi loved him back.