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Kaz Brekker wasn’t one to get emotional, but that could also be his doom at the end.
He had fallen in love with you. You, of all people. You, who loved touch, who dreamed of someone who you could cuddle with, hold hands and kiss. A hopeless romantic who was always touch-starved.
For you, he would have given pretty much everything to get rid of his touch aversion, just so he could hold your hand, cup your face, kiss. Show you how much you meant to him. For so long, his traumas had fed into his will to have revenge, but you had rearranged his mind. He hated it and it terrified him to the bone, he couldn’t love anyone. He had a lot of enemies and being with you would make you a sitting duck because no matter how much you would try to keep it as a secret, there was always a huge risk. Risk that someone would find out and you’d get tortured for information or be just straight-up killed, most likely both. He would never forgive himself if that were to happen.
But he couldn’t stop thinking that if you would ever give him a chance, he would love you in a way no one else could. Maybe he wouldn’t be very romantic, he wouldn’t come up and serenade you on your birthday or say anything gooey-lovey to you, but he would make you feel special in other ways. Fond looks reserved only for you. He would try to get better with showing affection for you. If you would wish for something out loud or even look at something in certain way, it would appear on your bed within just a few hours. For Dirtyhands, that was equal to being ugly lovey-dovey and as far as he could go.
But he wasn’t sure if it would be enough. Who would love someone like him? Even his Crows were afraid of him sometimes even when he knew that they thought of him as a friend and could forgive his harsh words and they would never leave him, they were family. It was something he had believed to never have again. A family.
But even when people cared about him, would someone be able to care enough to love him as more than just a friend? And more - could you love him? He knew it was unlikely, you were perfectly aware of his boundaries and he was the only one you hadn’t hugged or showed any physical affection to. She would want - no, deserve someone who can show her they love her in a way you can’t, his inner voice said. And Kaz listened to it, and that’s why he never approached you with his feelings and tried to treat you as he treated every other Crow. It was better that way.
But he was wrong.
Kaz Brekker was observant and smart, but somehow he always seemed to miss the looks you gave him - looks that were just like his. Fond and loving, even when he knew to hide the emotion but if you watched closely, you could see it in his eyes. You were more open with your looks and everyone who saw who you were looking at could tell it - you were completely and utterly in love with Dirtyhands.