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It’s been way too long, you had told yourself earlier that day.
But still, you weren’t sure how you had gotten here after lying on your bed and coaxing yourself to go up and just talk to him. And then you had gathered enough courage and now you were standing at the doorway of Kaz’s room at the Slat, your hand just about to knock on the door and still having second thoughts. Your mind flashed over all the things that you had used as encouragements, the looks, his faint blush after Jesper had told you two that he and Wylan will arrange you a date, how he had given you his coat and seemed to seek out reasons to spend time with you.
The signs were clear, everyone saw it. You and Kaz had something going on, and you had been teased about it by the rest of the Crows for months. Kaz had denied it, of course, but his friends knew him too well to believe him. In the beginning, it had been annoying and awkward as you were sure that Dirtyhands himself could never be fond of you like that. But when he had thrown a few men out, seemingly just for flirting with you, it became quite clear that he had been jealous.
He still denied it, but your heart was still warm for the thought that you could someday be together with him. But this had gone on for quite a while, and you needed him to know that you don’t care about touch and kisses, you just wanted him.
“Come in,” you heard Kaz’s voice calling for you. You weren’t sure if you had knocked in your thoughts, or if Kaz just sensed that there was someone behind his door, but either way, you were now stepping into Kaz’s room. He lifted his gaze to you momentarily from his papers as you stepped in front of him. He looked at you for a moment, before lowering his eyes back to the blueprints, bringing his finger to inspect it.
Your lips twitched slightly, before you sighed. “I think we should talk.”
“About what?” Kaz asked, this time not lifting his gaze.
You were quiet for a moment, hesitating but you knew that you just had to say it. “Us. Or what is it between us,” you mumbled the last part, and Kaz’s shoulders tensed immediately, and his finger stopped tracing the hallway.
“What do you mean?” he then asked, trying to play it off as indifference, but you knew that his heart was beating faster. You didn’t have to be a Heartrender to know that.
“Saints, don’t pretend that you don’t want me, Kaz,” you sat beside his desk. “I know it’s difficult for you, but we could work it out.”
Kaz sighed and leaned back on his elbows on his armchair, staring at the ceiling as he spoke. “It isn’t difficult for me to say no to you. I’ve done it before, remember?”
You nodded, leaning forward a little bit more. “But this is different, Kaz. You’re not going through some phase. This is something real, something permanent. We can make it work. It just takes time.”
Kaz fell silent, and only the sound of rain on the roof broke the quiet between you. Kaz stared at the blueprints in front of him, but you knew his thoughts were somewhere else, thinking about what you said. You waited for him to speak patiently, hoping he would agree with you.
Finally, after a long silence, he stood up and limped to the window, staring at the city outside, and you joined him. Ketterdam wasn’t the kind of city you had thought ending up to, but you had learned that life was full of surprises. Rain streamed down the windows, making puddles in the streets below. The lights were still on, even though it was late, and people moved through the narrow alleys, bundled against the cold.
Then Kaz spoke, his voice even raspier than usual. “You should go to your room.”
You nodded, inching your hand closer to Kaz’s, but not touching. Kaz looked at your hand, and then at you. “I’m coming back tomorrow.”
With that, you left his room and he listened to your steps descending the stairs. You should give him time to think and rest, you knew that starting a relationship, a romantic one, would be a huge step for him and he might not be ready, but you had to let him know that you’d be willing to take him as he was, with all his faults.
But if he wouldn’t feel ready, you hoped he would lay you down gently, carefully. Maybe tell you that he isn’t ready yet, but your worst fear was that he’d kick you out in panic of feelings, or fear that you’d get hurt if someone ever knew that you were his weakness. But nothing would really change, you just would make it more official, knowing that you belonged to each other and he wouldn’t have to be jealous.
You wanted to be his, and you wanted him to be yours - and you hoped that he’d want the same thing.